OH, snow!

           I hope everyone had a great holiday! Christmas was awesome for us, we got a few things for the baby (a red sox hat, booties, and onesie that I ADORE) that we absolutely love! We had a less than pleasant hour or so with our sister in law from hell but we expected that to be terrible so all things considered, it went well.
             The holidays are a very stressful (and sad) time for me, since my mom passed away when I was 16. Even though it's almost been 6 years, it doesnt get any easier around the holidays. This year was one of the hardest times because it is sinking in that my child will not know my mom as his gramma like he will know my hubbys mother. It's very emotional bringing a child into the world anyway but knowing that my mom missed out on my wedding, meeting her first son-in-law, enjoying her first grandchild, its very sad. I don't do well with the "sad" feeling. I internalize it and it turns to anger and frustration and I end up upset over the silliest things.
               J is very good at recognizing when this is happening, and understands that I have a harder time processing my emotions.
              

              Nothing out of the ordinary happened yesterday. We spent the day together, and I teased, and prodded him a little, hoping to elicit the response I so desperately needed. I pushed a little, and he looked at me, smiling.
              "You're cruisin, girl."
               I raised an eyebrow. "Oh yea?"
               He just nodded, and the conversation dropped for a few hours. A little before we were going to be going to bed, he looked at me and announced, "You're going to get 75 with the black strap."
              Gah. That's not what I wanted! When he says 75, he doesnt mean total, he means on each cheek. My heart started beating faster and my lower lip pushed out.
              He grinned, satisfied that he'd gotten my attention.
              I pouted some, and pleaded that he not use the belt. I thought he'd gotten past me begging to be let off. Sometimes I just need to be able to fight the punsihment, for it to make an impactl. I need the power struggle, need to be overridden and for him to take control, whether I'm jumping for joy about being spanked or I'm stomping my foot and demanding he not touch me. I learned that he was not completely indifferent to this.
             He looked at me, and his eyes betrayed the fact that he was struggling with holding his ground. "Why are you trying to guilt me out of this now?"
             I knew that I could probably push a little further and get him to lessen my sentence, but I didn't. Instead I hung my head and admitted, "I'm nervous,"
             He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I have to, though. I have to."

             We cuddled for a long time when we got into bed. He held me in his big, strong arms and I felt at peace, comfortable in his embrace.
              "I'm sorry," I whispered.
               He asked me what I was sorry for, and I replied that I was sorry for whatever I was being spanked for. "Don't be sorry," he said, stroking my hair.
              "Isn't that the point?" I asked.
               He sighed. "But I havent even spanked you yet. Aren't I supposed to make you sorry?"
               I didn't know how to respond to this. I just shrugged, and huddled closer to him. I felt him kiss the back of my head, and then he loosened his grip on me.
                He ordered me to go get it, and being the obedient girl that I am, I got strap and presented it to him.
                I laid over my maternity pillow and grasped underneath it. I knew this wasn't going to be fun, or easy, but I also knew that he was doing what he was supposed to do, and that deep down, I did need this.
                He started the first 75 on my right cheek and I didn't think that I could bear it.
                My butt was burning and I couldn't help but sway from side to side in an attempt to get away from the sting. I buried my face in my pillow and bit down. Finally, the first 75 were over. I was breathing hard, my heart beating out of my chest. The next 75 were harder to take, and felt much more intense for some reason, though he told me after it was just the same on both sides. Once he'd finished, I started to cry, and he held me while I did.
                He stroked my hair. "I love you baby, are you okay?" he asked, hugging me to his chest while the sobs shook my body.
                I nodded. "I love you too sir."
               "Do you feel better now?" he wondered.
                "Yes sir."
                "See?" he said, kissing the side of my head. "I told you I had to."

                We got hit with a snow storm last night through this morning, and J got up early to go out and shovel the driveway, walk ways, etc.
                I didn't see him for most of the morning, so when he came in, I went to the basement where he was shedding his wet snow gear so I could give him a kiss.
               As soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs he said, "Babe, why is your car out of gas?"
               I paused. "I thought there was like .. a quarter tank? I havent driven it in days, I didn't even think of it."
               "I had it running for 15, maybe 20 min in the driveway to defrost and your gas light came on. It's not good to be so low on gas in the cold weather, especially a snow storm. I've told you that a million times!" he reminded me.
                I nodded. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't think of it."
                "Well you shouldn't let it get that low in the first place without going to get gas that day. You're going to get a reminder spanking for this later," he announced.


Great. My butt's sore from last night still and now I'm in for another spanking. It's gonna be a long week, I think.
                

trouble brewing?

gaaahhh.

That pretty much sums up how I feel today. I really don't even know why, because it was a GREAT day! We had our big ultrasound today and they told us that our baby boy looks perfect and everything is growing just the way it should be. We got to take home some really cute picutres, and he even gave us thumbs up in one! Then, when we got home,  the CRIB ARRIVED! EEEEEK! I was so excited!!

But now, that J is at work I'm starting to feel down again. He asked me to remove the empty cups (and beer cans on his side of the bed), and I promised him I would. The only problem is, I am now overcome with an undeniable urge to "forget" to actually do so. I know he would notice, but I am not sure he would do anything about it? I know that I am craving the kind of spanking that cleanses your soul. The kind that makes you bare all (pun intended) and just let it all go. I believe that I'm so tempted to "forget" his task to get him to give me this spanking. Unfortunately, not sure he will. WHAT DO I DO? I want to please him, I love him dearly. Why do I doubt him so much?

I am not good at keeping still during a spanking, and last night was no exception. I was getting close to the point where the flood gates were going to open, but I was moving around too much and J stopped because he was concerned I was going to hurt the baby. I know he's got the best of intentions but it left me feeling empty and sad. Of course I don't want to do anything to hurt the baby either, he is the most important thing in the world to me, but I cant help my feelings I guess.

Tolerance

I have been reading some of my older posts, and realizing how intense my spankings used to be before I got pregnant. It never dawned on me how much it took to get me to my breaking point. Most of those posts occurred in the earliest stages of our domestic discipline relationship, and I'm considering that one of the reasons it took so much for me to reach tears because J was the first man to ever spank me, and I was reluctant to let my guard down. I guess I didn't really truly and completely submit to my spankings / emotions during a spanking? Not sure if any of this makes sense. Of course, I attribute most of my lack of tolerance now to the hormones from the pregnancy making me more sensitive, but it's much easier for me to cry from a spanking/punishment than ever before. Just a bit of thinking I've been doing.

So turns out the new puppy brought kennel cough with her, and gave it to my doggy. The cold air only aggravated it more, making her sound like she was choking. She has to be on antibiotics for ten days, but she's just fine. Whew!

all over the place

There is a lot going on. Our roommate bought a puppy last saturday, but is not being much of a responsible owner. He hasnt been home one night since he got the cute little bugger, leaving me and J to take care of it (so mostly me, since J works 3-11). J and I have our own dog, who is a bundle of energy and still a bit jealous of the new pup. It does not make for much fun watching both when I am alone, especially since I am completely drained of energy by 5-6 at night. Being pregnant sure is an energy suck lol. ANYWAY, so tonight has been especially overwhelming, because I feel terrible, and I think my dog is sick! :( Everytime she sniffs at something, it sounds like she is coughing/choking on something. I am terrified of whats going to happen tomorrow when we call the vet. I'm stressed that it's going to be something very expensive to treat/fix, or even worse, that she might die. Ok, so my hormones might be making me think a bit drastically, but I literally was in tears today because I am so scared of whatever is wrong with her :(

Sorry. Just needed to vent a little.

All is well in the spanking world, for us, however. I got my good girl spanking the other night (NO STRAP! thank goodness, because that thing is the devil) and another play spanking last night. J seems to be more in the mood for spanking than I am lately! (which I'm kind of loving because I used to have to talk him into it!)

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for my poor doggie! <3

good girl spanking ... or not?

Yesterday was the "anniversary" of J and I when we first started dating. I had almost fogotten, but when I remembered, I texted J to remind him. He worked overtime yesterday, so he wasn't home for most of the day. He told me through text that I'd be receiving a celebratory spanking. However, when he got home, he was tired and feeling sick. I told him I could wait until today for my spanking, because I knew he'd worked hard all day and  he deserved a rest. While we were laying in bed, I was bratting a little and just giving small doses of sass and being playful. Part of our conversation strayed to the mess our bedroom was becoming again. He said, "You're lucky I dont spank you for all the clutter." To which I replied, "Yeah, yeah.."\
     He told me that I was "adding lashings," and that he'd be choosing the "weapon" with which I'd be spanked today.
      Most of our spankings occur at night because we have a roommate who is home during the day so the only real alone time we get is at bed time. Our roommate bought a puppy over the weekend, and since he went to the football game tonight, I have been busting my butt between taking her outside to pee/poop, cleaning up her accidents, and keeping her out of trouble. I alslo did the dishes and a load of laundry. J texted me to see how things were going and I informed him of all the stuff I'd done tonight while he was working, and he replied telling me that he sees a good girl spanking in my future! I asked if that meant my kinda sassy spanking was cancelled out, and he called me to tell me that he'd be using the strap, but he'd go "easy" on me. There is nothing about that strap that says GOOD GIRL SPANKING to me. I'm beginning to wonder what tonight holds for me. Cross your fingers for me!

Birthday Spanks

       Friday was hubby's 30th birthday. He works second shift which made it  impossible for us to celebrate with our families on his birthday, so we planned a nice dinner at our home for my famliy and his family to get together and celebrate.
       When he got home from work on Friday night, I whispered to him that he was going to get a bday spanking, and started giggling. He just shook his head and told me no.
        The birthday dinner was a success, and most of the food got eaten. It's always nice getting our families together, especially since soon they will be seeing a lot of each other, when the baby comes. A good time was had by all and the birthday boy certainly enjoyed himself.
         After everyone had gone, we sat on the couch together and when our roommate went to the bathroom, I looked at my husband with a mischeivous glimmer in my eye. "Know what I'm gonna use for your birthday spanking?"
        He grinned back. "What?"
         "The black strap!" I gave him a smug look and turned away to stifle my giggle. I hate that evil strap.
         He started laughing. "Ohh, no." he shook his head.
         "Yup!"
          We didn't go to bed for another hour or so, and I wasn't even sure if he was going to let me go through with it. When we did go to bed, he laid down on his stomach and was stretching, so I jumped on the opportunity. I opened the punishment drawer and pulled the strap out and came and sat beside him.
          "Are we doing a straight 30 or should I do 30 on each cheek?" I asked, teasing him.
           "No, no. You're not doing 30 on each..." he said.
           I started tapping the strap on his left cheek. I didn't bother pulling his shorts down or anything even though he always spanks me bare. I thought he'd feel it enough through his basketball shorts. I gave him the first 10 and then rubbed his cheeks. "Does it hurt?" I asked.
            He wouldn't respond.
            "Honey, I'm trying to go gentle so tell me if it hurts!" I insisted.
            Still, he said nothing.
             "Okay," I said, and raised the strap again. I gave him another 10, a little harder this time, then paused to rub his bum again. "That's 20, does it hurt yet?" I heard nothing but silence so I gave him the final 10. "There. That's 30...."
             "That wasn't 30," he bragged. "I barely felt that."
              I started laughing, and gave him another 20 or so moderate smacks with the strap, then reached over to the dresser and grabbed the brush. I tugged his shorts down and tapped it on his boxer briefs.
              "What is that? NO." he argued.
               I started giving him smacks with it, increasing intensity as I went. I could see him wincing. "Done yet?" I asked.
                "I cant give up. You know that," he told me.
                 Ha. Men and their pride. I gave him 10 more and put the brush back on the dresser and sat back down beside him.
                 "Rub it! It hurts," he whined.
                  I massaged his bum for him and smiled to myself because I am usually the one to ask him to rub my bum. LOL.
                  He got up, and asked, "Baby can you do me a favor?"
                  "Sure," I replied.
                  "Can you go get me a beer? And, on your way back, get me the brush." he had an evil grin on his face.
                  "What! It's not my birthday yet," I complained.
                    He announced he was giving me thirty swats for his birthday.
                    I got up and got him the beer, and handed him the hairbrush with it when I came back into the room. I laid down on top of my body pillow to alleviate the pressure on my belly. "I better get to keep my yoga pants up since you kept your shorts on,"
                   He graciously kept them up, but certainly didn't go as lightly as I did.
                    I yelped and bucked and at about 11 I rolled off the pillow, clutching my butt. "No, I cant .. it hurts too much!"
                   "Get back over. Ill give you 15 and 15 and then give you a break between your next thirty." he promised.
                   So, I rolled back over and got back on the pillow.
                   "But since you moved, you're getting those 11 again."
                   I gritted my teeth and somehow made it through the first thirty. I buried my face in the blanket in front of me, trying to supress the tears that already threatened to break. When he announced the next thirty were coming I tried to hold my breath but after about 5 or 6 I was crying out again that I couldn't do it, the tears started rolling down my cheeks and I flipped off the pillow.
                 "Get back over, Heather." he demanded firmly.
                   I buried my face in my pillow and the tears took over and he noticed I was crying.
                   "Honey, come here. Are you okay? I didn't mean to make you cry ... so early." He joked. "I was just playing. I'm sorry babe, I thought you were giving me crap like you always do." he wiped my tears and stroked my hair. " I love you so much," he whispered.
                    "I love you too honey, and it's okay." I murmured. "I'm just sensitive these days,"
                     He kissed my forhead. "I love you,"

stress relief ... for my other half.

      Yesterday, hubby was having a very hard time with the day to day stresses of life. Things have been piling up for him lately and I just felt awful. He's unhappy at his job but since we are expecting a child and we made the decision for me to leave my job a few weeks ago, leaving his job at this time is not an option. On top of that, there's been drama between his brother and him, and another famliy issue arose last night. I went out and bought a wooden hairbrush, a little larger than the one we already have. I left it in the top drawer in the bathroom with a note saying "Darling, I know how much you LOVE the hairbrush, so I thought I'd get you one to cover more area :) I've been naughty, and I know you could use some stress relief." then I jotted a note to look in the top drawer on a sticky note and stuck it on the inside of the cabinet where our toothpaste is kept.
       I waited patiently for hubby to get home from work (he works the night shift). When he came in, I kissed him, and hugged him tight.
       He gathered his clothes per usual and headed for the shower. When he finally came back, he was holding the hairbrush and note in his hand, a small smile on his face. "You're cute, you know." he said quietly. He came and sat on the bed beside me and I piled the pillows in the middle of the bed and bent over them. He paddled me with that hairbrush pretty hard but gave me plenty of breaks and as the spanks rained down, the tension washed away.
        I was relieved to see that one of the things that helps me deal with stress was also beginning to help him too. I had previously thought this was something he did only for me, but I'm seeing now that he's benefiting as well.

surprised

    Well, my darling husband surprised me last night. Just before bedtime, he looked at me with a cute little smile and said, "aren't you supposed to be getting a 'pankin tonight?"
    I looked up at him. "Yeah, with the cane?" I teased.
    "It's your choice. But if you choose the cane, it'll be 50 on each cheek instead of 25." he announced.
    "Fine," I said, thinking it'd be no sweat. BOY, was I wrong. After 50, I was panting and my bottom was sore, sore, sore. And, to top it off, he looked at me after and said,
    "I don't think that's gonna do the trick,"
     I looked up, shocked. I felt like my eyes might pop out of my head. "WHAT!"
     "25 more on each." he decided.
     "But WHY!?" I complained. "I wasn't even bad today,"
     As he started the added 25, he reminded me, "You bit me a few times. You weren't all that good."

    When my spanking was finished, I was close to tears and my bottom was hot and sore. I put my hand back and rubbed it, and could feel the tiny welts beneath my fingers. "Ouchh," I complained. "That hurt!"
     "Good. It's supposed to. Isn't that the point?"

=D    Well, I guess it is!

Moving on ...

    It seems that J has overcome his fear of "hurting" the baby while spanking me. He is careful as always, and pays attention to my body language etc but he has completely gotten over the "I must be gentle" phase. I was spanked with the hairbrush Sunday for our weekly reminder spanking (that has NOT been occuring since we discovered our little one was on the way) and though it doesn't take as much to get through to me anymore since I am SUPER sensitive, he spanked me to tears. Yesterday he worked the day shift so we were able to spend the night together, and we took advantage of it and had a "date night." Before bed, he paddled me. He only gave me 30 on each cheek, but by the end I was panting and my bottom was VERY hot and sore. This morning, he squeezed my bum and whispered in my ear, "Is your butt still sore from last night?"
    "No, sir." I answered quietly.
    "Huh." he grinned. "Guess I'll have to do it again, tonight."
     My heart started thumping in my chest. I love when he talks about spanking me. After a few moments I said, "You can use the cane tonight." We have a 4 rod short acrylic cane that causes some sting but isn't too bad.
     "The black one?" he asked.
     I was puzzled. "What?" I raised an eyebrow. "We don't have a black one,"
     "Oh, I thought you said strap." his face nearly split in half he was grinning so wide.
    "No ... I said CANE!" I clarified.
     "Well what I heard was, 'You can use the black strap tonight, sir.' " he looked at me, his eyes gentle but his expression was now firm.
     My heart dropped. I hate that thing. I groaned.
     "What's the matter?" he asked softly, running his hand through my hair. "Are you scared?"
     "Yes sir," I murmured.
     He shook his head, and told me not to be scared. "I'll use whatever I choose." he told me, reminding me it was his decision and I would abide by it.
      I nodded meekly. "Yes sir," I whispered, knowing full well that I'd be strapped tonight. It's his favorite.


He should be home in about 10 minutes, and quite honestly, I'm nervous. I'll let you know tomorrow how it goes!

chaos

    Things are crazy in my life right now. On top of the pregnancy (my first- and definitely much more emotionally crazy than I imagined!), my husband and I have decided that I needed to leave my current job. I was highly stressed out and was not being treated the way I should have been. I am an early childhood teacher and have spent the past three years growing and bonding with most of the children in my class. It is not going to be easy leaving them behind, but I need to put myself and my family first. I know that I can always visit them, but it's just difficult. Many of the preschoolers I have now, I knew as infants, some as young as 6 weeks old. I have been looking for something part time and though I know my husband makes enough to support us for the time being, I find myself panicking about not having a second income.
      On top of this, today is the two year anniversary of my cousins death. He was killed in a drunk driving accident. I cant stop thinking about him and all of the people I've lost who were close to me. It's just been a very difficult day for me. Thanks for letting me vent, even if no one is listening.

Post Created Oct 10, 2010 1:49:38 PM

losing ground

I have no idea what happened last night. We were laying in bed together, and I reached over and pinched J's arm, in hopes to provoke a little spanking. He yanked the covers off me and gave me a solid smack. I turned my face up to him, smiling a little.
    "Do you want another one?" he asked.
    I nodded.
     "Just one?" he pushed.
     I shook my head. "No sir."
     He started swatting my backside, making it sting nicely. After a moment he asked, "Go get the black strap,"
    "Nooo," I whined. "It hurts too much.."
    "It's too much work to use my hand the whole time. It hurts my arm," he explained. "Can I use something?"
    "Yeah, just not the strap,"
    "Fine, I won't use the black one." he agreed, getting up off the bed.
     "NO! Not the other one, either." I pouted, "they hurt too much now." I have been super sensitive lately, and the leather is just too much. This was supposed to be a fun spanking, not a punishment.
      Still, he brought the doubled pink strap. He sat beside me and told me I was getting 80 on each cheek.
      I moaned, burying my face in the pillow in front of me. After about 30 on one cheek I was wiggling around, it stung so much! I couldn't keep myself still, it reall hurt. I put my feet up to block my butt.
     "Move your feet," he said, but I didn't. He sighed, and laid back down on the bed. He didn't say a word, and as I lay over the pillows waiting for him to say or do something, the silence enveloped me and I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole.
      Tears started streaming down my cheeks because I had no idea what I had done to make him so upset with me, and I felt like spanking me was becoming a burden to him. Just as I was about to put my pillows back in place and just lay down for bed, he sat back up and started strapping me again.
       He said nothing until he'd completed the 80 on both cheeks (through which I'd done my very best to stay still and keep my feet down despite the nearly unbearable burn). When he'd finished, he laid back and said, "There's your 80." there was nothing else after it, no hugs, no rubbing, no words.
       I felt crushed. I didn't know what was happening, but this didn't feel right. This didn't feel like our usual spankings, even play ones, when he would pull me to him and kiss me and tell me he loved me. I just moved my pillows back in place and curled up against them, facing away from him. I let my tears fall silently down my cheeks, hoping that he wouldn't notice I was crying.

This morning things felt alright between us, and he kissed me and told me he loved me before he left to finish a painting job he'd begun with his brother yesterday. However, I am still so confused and slightly hurt over what happened. I don't know how to bring it up to him, or even to explain why I felt/feel hurt.

punished.

    Yesterday, I was cranky and a complete brat. Everything that J said to me caused me to roll my eyes or toss a sarcastic remark at him. A few times, he'd raised his eyebrow and said nothing, and a few times after that, he'd asked me why I was being so fresh. We were invited to my father's house for dinner since my younger sister was home for the weekend. On our way there, J said something that wasn't correct (I cant remember now what it was,) and I pointed out his mistake and then teased him about it, laughing. He just turned and looked at me and said, "I cant wait to get you home and spank your ass,"
    That caught my attention. Immediately, I began back-pedaling and trying to redeem myself. "No, baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it,"
    "Yes you did. You're getting 80 with the black strap," he announced firmly.
     Panic set in. With my hormones going haywire, I have been SUPER sensitive lately. Even just a spanking with his hand has been intense at times, where usually it takes much more than his hand to get through to me. "NO, please not the strap! Please baby, I'm sorry..."
    He shook his head. "Nope. You're getting it. You deserve it, you've been naughty all day."
    I turned and looked out the window, silenced by my sentence.
    He laughed. "Whats the matter, baby?"
    "Nothing," I pouted.

     We got to my dads, and had a nice dinner and spent some time with my family. My aunt and uncle were also there with my cousins, and it was nice to see everyone together. After dinner, while my dad and uncle and J were watching football, I fell asleep on the couch. When I finally woke up we went home, since it was getting closer to the time my brother and sister had to start getting ready for bed. School night, and all.

      At home, we sat on the couch with our roommate for a while. J got up to go change into more comfortable clothes and I followed him into the room to steal a few kisses. As I walked in, he was taking off his belt. I recognized the look in his eye and turned to walk out of the room again. He caught my arm and smiled at me, then kissed my forehead. He doubled his belt over and turned me around.
     "Baby no please!" I cried, but he gave me a few whacks anyway. "Ouchh," I complained, rubbing my sore butt. I looked up at him with pleading eyes. "Please honey, I don't want the black strap. I'm so sensitive lately, and I'm already so sore from playing last night." I pouted.
      He kissed my forehead. "Sorry babe. It's the only way."
     For the rest of the night, I pleaded my case. Finally, he stopped, and thought about it. "I'll reduce your sentence, but that's it." he agreed. "70 on each cheek."
      My heart sank. "That's still a lot! I don't think I can do it."
      He didn't reply. When we finally went to bed, he laid down across it. "How about this? If you massage my back, because it's really tight and sore, I'll only give you 50 on each."
       I jumped on it. I knew this was his way of giving me the break I needed without giving in to my pleading. He knew that my tolerance level was way low. I massaged his back, kneading the knots out of his tense muscles. When his massage was over, I lay down beside him and he pulled me into his arms, and kissed my temple. He held me close for a couple of minutes before telling me to roll over. I moaned. "Aw, babyy..."
     He got up and went to the drawer, taking out the strap and carrying it over to the bed.  "Roll over right now Heather,"
     "Baby please," I pleaded.
     "Now." he demanded. He folded my body pillow in half and patted it. "I want you to face that way, and I want your butt right here."
       I did as I was told, nervously. I felt him immediately pull down my sweatpants and panties, and a whimper escaped my lips.
      "Fifty on each, ready baby?"
       I shook my head no, but he started anyway. As soon as he did it was like fire on my skin. Fifty first on the right cheek and I was squealing and squirming around, putting my hands back and trying anything to escape that awful strap. He caught my hand and his fingers intertwined with mine, holding it out of the way but reminding me that he was there, and he loved me. He paused before moving to the other cheek. "Please J, I really don't think I can do it, it hurts too much,"
      Ignoring my plea, he gave me the rest of my fifty and as he got up to return the strap to its place, I started sobbing. I was a bit surprised that I was crying after only 50 on each. On a regular day, fifty on each is the finale of a much longer, harder punishment. He came back to bed and pulled me back into his arms, kissing me and stroking my hair. "I love you honey,"
      "I love you too, babe."

I fell asleep cuddled up to him, feeling safe and loved.

raging hormones and NO sleep :-/

My hormones have been doing a number on me...one minute I am happy, the next I am irritated and angry for no reason, and still the next, I am a teary eyed mess. We have been playing only VERY lightly, as J is pretty concerned about hurting the baby although most of the research I have done says that spanking is safe just like sex and exercise as long as it is not overly severe (which they never have been). I just miss his hands making my bottom smart :(

NEED ADVICE !!

My husband and I have found out that I am about 5 weeks pregnant! I am wondering if anyone has any advice or knows if it is safe to be spanked while you are pregnant? We have been waiting for this day for a very long time and we want to do everything possible to keep our un-born child safe. I would give up spanking for the term of my pregnancy in a heartbeat if I am told that it is unsafe, but would love to have the best of both worlds. I tend to need a lot of stress relief spankings so I know that they would be emotionally useful for me throughout the pregnancy but again, do not want to risk it. Any information you have to share is greatly appreciated !! :)

thanks guys!

weekly list addressed....

Lately, J has been giving me lots of "warm-up" spankings before my weekly reminders. I'll get a few spankings through out the day, leading up to the big one at bed time. Sunday night, J gave me a short spanking but wasn't feeling well so did not give me my full punishment that night. Yesterday, I was given a two-minute hand spanking in the morning on my bare bottom. We spent the day in Boston walking around and enjoying the sunshine and when we got home, I was given another spanking. At bed time, J ordered me to bend over the arm of the loveseat. He went to the punishment drawer and pulled out the three straps we own, the black strap, the five fingered strap, and the new doubled pink strap. He bared my bottom right off the bat and started with the pink strap. He informed me I'd be getting twenty for not doing the laundry I was asked to do. When he says "twenty" he means each cheek. Twenty consecutive strokes on each cheek. After those, he picked up the black strap and  announced I would be getting FORTY on each cheek for not cleaning the coffee table because I was asked last week :-/ ... OUCH. Then I was spanked with the five fingered strap for "general sassiness" as J calls it...25 each cheek! After that he alternated straps and blistered my bottom for a little longer, telling me, "these are just  so you'll remember."

All in all, it was an OUCHY spanking, but I kinda knew I had it coming. The past week had been really tough on us and I admittedly slacked on a lot of chores last week because I was so sad and depressed about J's schedule change and the fact I was seeing him less than half as much as in the summer. I'm glad that he punished me and that we were able to stablize grounds/roles again and I know this week I will do much better =]

its the love...

This week has been absolutely exhausting. Work has been a whirlwind, and since the summer is over, J is back on the night shift. That in itself has been hard on me. I don't like spending my nights alone and I miss talking to him, and the WORST part is going to bed alone. It is so hard falling asleep without him by my side. This morning we slept in together and cuddled most of the morning away. J gave me a short but firm hand spanking that made my bum smart. A little while later he rolled me over and started smacking my tender cheeks. I squealed, and started to rub a spot that particularly stung.
"Oh, that was just a love tap," he reminded me.
"I still can feel it!" I pouted.
"It's the love you feel, not the tap."
This made sense and I nodded my head. "Yes sir!" I whole-heartedly agreed.

It's true. After all is said and done, it's the love I feel that keeps me coming back for more.

change is in the air.

Sorry guys, its been a while! Things on the homefront have been WONDERFUL. Out of respect for my husband and for our marriage, I have done a lot of heavy thinking and re-evaluating of the things that I feel I want and need out of him. Then, I wrote them down in a series of notes, each of which we discussed after he read them. Things have been much better. J has been more firm, more vocal, and more consistent with discipline. He seems to finally be getting comfortable and accepting his role as my leader / dominant. My love for him has only grown over this journey together, and I know our bond is only growing stronger.

We have implemented a "weekly goals" list, that J writes at the beginning of each week. If the list is not complete by the end of the week, I will be punished in addition to my weekly maintenance spanking. Last week I did not finish the list, and J followed through and punsihed me. I am starting to feel like we are really figuring this out and it's starting to work :)

On the downside, J begins working on the night shift (3 - 11) again tomorrow night until the school year is over. It's a good thing in some ways because he receives a shift differential so we will have more money coming in, but on the other side of things, I hardly see him when he is on nights because we have almost opposite schedules. He is often asleep when I leave for work and I am often asleep when he comes home, so the weekends are our only time together. Not only does this put the regular stress of not seeing each other on our relationship, but we are trying to have a baby, and being limited to the weekends and RARE weeknights is not going to help our chances :-/ ... I just have to remember to be patient and it will happen when it's meant to. It's all just very overwhelming to think about.

Well, thats about all thats going on in my life right now. Hope everyone is well !! :)

liberator!

I ordered a piece of Liberator furniture off the website, from the "black label" collection. I chose the hipster because it it perfectly shaped for bending over for that good spanking I so often need. The black label collection conveniently has a bunch of buckles on it that when combined with the cuff package, turns into wonderful retsraints :) It is comfortable, thrilling, and it makes sex 1000X hotter! We give it an A+!!

Jack has spent the day in the basement with his brother putting up a wall. His brother had to leave for a short time to bring his step daughter to a friends house. When he left, Jack came up from the basement, and poked his head into the bedroom. "I'm going to take a quick shower," he said, coming down the stairs to get clean underwear. He grabbed the new furniture, cuffs attached, and tossed it on top of the bed. "When I get out of the shower, you're getting a 'pankin'!" and off he went. True to his word, he was done pretty quickly, and ordered me up over the hipster. This thing is cushy, but firm enough that when correctly draped across, it presents your bottom at the perfect angle! He gently fastened the cuffs on both of my wrists. Once I was buckled in, he slipped my shorts down, displaying my black lacy panties. He started spanking me firmly on my bottom. I wiggled and moaned, and he quickly tugged my panties down to spank my bare cheeks. As a warm pink started to glow on my once creamy skin, he stood up and went to the punishment drawer, pulling out the black strap. My heart started to pound in my chest. Lately, leather was my worst enemy. I winced as I felt him sit back down on the bed beside me. He brought the strap down in full, crisp strokes in a solid rhythm. I begged him to slow down, and he graciously left a slightly longer gap between smacks. He paused, clearing his throat.
   I twisted, to look at him as he spoke, panting over the foam hipster.
   "Since you're getting you're real spanking later, I'm going to go easy on you. You're going to get 40 on each cheek with this, and then we're going to be done." he told me firmly.
    I felt like my eyeballs might fall out of my head. "What!" I cried. "that's not going easy, 40 on each?! Can't you please use your hand, I really don't think I can do that," I pleaded.
   He shook his head. Much to his credit, his deep voice murmured, "Yes you can, honey. Get over...."
   (I had wiggled my bottom right off the furniture.) I whimpered. "No, I really don't think I can,"
   He didn't say anything...but he didn't have to.
   I straightened myself out over it and let him give me 40 on one cheek. I bounced around trying to avoid it's stinging kiss, and by the end of the first set I already felt like I couldn't take another single swat. I blurted out. "NO! Please, wait, please hand me my Stitch I can't reach him, please..." I begged.
    My sweet, darling husband reached out and grabbed my beloved stuffed animal off the floor and wedged him beneath my restrained arm so I could cuddle against him. Then he lifted the strap and lit into me, 40 burning, blazing swats. Afterward, he un-cuffed me and rubbed lotion into my sore cheeks. "Looks like there'll be some bruises with this one," he whispered softly. "Sorry my love," he pulled me close, kissing my hair.
    I shake my head. "No sorries. Thank you sir."

:)

( ... nervous for the "real" spanking, if earlier's was "going easy"!!!)

see-saw

I am so confused. I feel like once we get things on track and I finally feel like we're headed in the direction I would like us to be, we flip right back to where we were before. I am not totally sure that Jack is cut out for the whole DD liftestyle. I do not believe that he will ever take full control, it doesnt seem like he is comfortable doing so, and not only that but he almost acts as if he's against it.

Last night, I shared a video with him that I really like. It is a Firm Hand video with Samantha who is punished for going overboard when drinking and becoming nasty and mean with her husband. I am very shy and self-conscious about my interests and desires when it comes to spanking, and it is hard for me to communicate the things that I like/want, especially when it feels like he is weirded out by it. I felt like sharing this video might give him some insight, and/or open the door for a little bit of conversation about it. Instead, a few minutes into the video (only a cpl swats in) he says, "I don't know about this, it's almost like he's beating her." Immediately I stopped the video and shut the computer down, completely deflated and feeling stupid for wanting to show him. We didn't have a conversation about this after, and I am hesitant to do so. Here's why:
1) I know that he loves me with all of his heart and he would do most anything to make me happy. I don't want to guilt him into doing things that he doesnt like or want to do.
2) I am terrified that he is going to tell me that he is done with all of this.
3) Last night, I was so hurt and embarassed by his comment that I am afraid similar statements might be uttered during the conversation, and I'm not entirely sure I could handle that.

I don't know what to do.

spanking prematurely ended...

Okay. This one really upset me, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Maybe that's my problem, maybe I think too much. Friday night Jack was spanking me with the hair brush and the black strap, and I was having a hard time lying still (or quiet). I put my hands back a few times, and finally, Jack gave up. At first I thought he was giving me a break and I lay motionless, panting over the piled pillows. But then he didn't pick up the strap again. He just laid down on his side of the bed, and started flipping through the channels. I had no idea how to react. I felt horrible, like I was some naughty child too wild to be controlled, so it was considered a lost cause. I knew that he stopped only because he felt like he was being mean by spanking me when I was putting up such a fight, and that broke my heart even more because I had been aware of how hard it was for him, and still couldn't manage to keep myself under control. Has anyone else experienced this? What do I do? :(

scolding during a spanking?

Jack hardly ever scolds me, and out of those times, maybe once or twice has he even been serious about it. He does not scold during the spanking, and never EVER mentions the "misdeed" after the spanking is complete. If anything is said at all, he will mention it shortly before the spanking. I sort of wish that he would take issue with something, genuinely scold me for something. I am not sure if he is uncomfortable with controlling me? Has anyone had a similar experience and worked through it? How did you approach it? Is anyone involved with someone who does scold them during a spanking? Appreciate feedback :)

battle of wills (inside myself?)

   I have not quite been able to fathom my feelings and actions lately. I brat and brat until J says I'm going to be spanked, but as soon as he does, I back pedal and plead to be let out of it. I pout and whine to no end. To top it all off, when he gives in to me and lets me "off the hook" (which he often does,) I become angry and frustrated! I don't understand what is wrong with me, and I can't figure out how to explain to J that deep down I really do want him to spank me, even when I'm begging him not to.

honeymoon and party

We spent five wonderful days in Montego Bay, Jamaica on our honeymoon. It was absolutely amazing. The water was beautiful, and soo warm. The people were so friendly and kind, and as far as honeymoons go, it couldnt have been more romantic. There were playful spankings and passionate love making. We hiked Dunns River Falls and visited Dolphin Cove, where I was able to touch a shark! It was SOO much fun! When we got home, my father threw an incredible reception party for us, where we partied all night long. Last night, the first night in a full week where we had no plans other than to spend time together, we had a reminder spanking before bed. I was spanked with both straps, the paddle, and the 5 rod cane. After he'd given me 20 on each cheek with both straps, 23 on each with the cane, and 40 on each with the paddle, he held me in his arms. I could feel inside me the frustration and turmoil and very quietly I whispered, "baby?"
    He paused, and said "yes?"
    My voice faltered and I lost the courage to ask.
    "You want more?" he asked gently.
    I nodded.
    "Go to the drawer and choose something," he told me.
    I got up and carried the paddle back, despite my burning backside.
    He laid me over his lap and started to rub in a warming cream.
    My backside started to tingle and burn and I wiggled around, trying to extinguish the fire.
    Before I knew what was happening, he'd picked up the paddle and started paddling my bottom hard and fast. I hadnt even put my hands back at all until now. I couldn't help it. But he just grabbed it, moved it aside and kept spanking. He brought it lower, spanking right where my bottom meets my thigh.
     I squealed and squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath and did all in my power not to cry. But as the paddle came faster and harder, its relentless sting building and fueling the fire already there, my walls began to crumble and I collasped, exhausted, into a heap of tears.
     He stopped immediately and pulled me into his arms, kissing my forehead and whispering "I love you"s.

It feels good to be home again :)

a little confused

     I'm starting to feel more and more confused. I thought Jack and I had come to an understanding about what I need, but I find that I am left feeling disappointed more often than not. I want constant, firm guidance. Instead, he gives me lenience, enjoying the lighter side of spanking much more than the discipline aspect. Instead of giving me a choice I want him to say "this is how it's going to be. if you don't like it, I'll spank you harder." I know it's hard for him, and I'm unbelievably lucky that he does what he does. I don't blame him for going easy on me. I know he perceives it as doing me a favor. I feel badly because I beg him to stop while he's spanking me, but I don't really want him to. On the surface, I want him to stop. My ass is on fire, I can't think of anything besides the pain, can hear nothing other than his hand crashing down on my tender bum cheeks. I writhe beneath his strong hand, attempting to avoid it's punishing blow. I can't help but cry out, unable to control myself. Deeper down, however, I want him to continue. I find comfort in the somewhat primal display of dominance by way of physical pain. I love that he is blatantly stronger and larger, and could so easily overpower me. I feel safe within his arms, certain that no harm will come to me. I need him to continue even though I cry out and plead for him to stop. I want him to show me it's his decision, and he will make the decision that is best for the both of us, difficult or not.

a few little fun ones ;)

     That's me. (and my new piercing that I LOVE!) Jack and I stuck to our decision to skip the reminder spanking this week, but we have had a few fun ones in the past couple of days.
     I have noticed, more so in the last couple of weeks than ever before, that my husband is becoming quite the spanko.
     We were walking alongside the harbor on the Vineyard this weekend, and I noticed a girl in a bikini, who's butt was BARELY covered by her bathing suit.
      I giggled and pointed her out to Jack.
     He reached over and grabbed my bum. "Makes me wanna spank you," he whispered.
    Anytime we see a wooden spoon or something that could be used as an implement, he'll whisper "wapishhhh" and give my cheeks a squeeze, or something to the effect. If I ask for a spanking, I better be ready for whatever he feels like dishing out, because once he's started, he's not stopping til he feels like it. It's funny to think that at one point I was worried that he would totally balk against the idea of spanking me, and that it took a lot of convincing to get him to spank me and take the control that he now has. I don't think all the convincing in the world could get him to stop now!
     I am beginning to realize that sometimes, things just take time. You can't rush things and make them progress faster than they're meant to. Patience and honest communication are essential in any relationship, and a thousand times more so in a spanking relationship, in order to find what works for you and your loved one.

Memorial Day Weekend .. the beginning of my SUMMERR :)

    As I type this we are on the ferry to Martha's Vineyard, to spend the weekend with our best friends. I AM SO EXCITED! I used to spend the summers there and work as a teenager, and all of my closest friends live there year round.
    Yesterday I got my monroe pierced (like Marilyn), and I LOVE it, but the bar is too long and sticks out of my face too far. The bar has to be big, in case it swells, and I can't have it changed until NEXT FRIDAY! I asked Jack today if we could put off spankings until after I get the bar changed out. I don't have much control of my movements when I'm being spanked, and I often bury my face in the blankets or a pillow and I'm afraid of ripping the long bar out. I guess that's all the news I have for now, as the ferry will be pulling in soon and I need to shut my laptop down. Have a great weekend everyone! :)

The Luckiest (:

    There was no spanking Sunday night. Jack was too tired and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Monday morning I slept in, cuddling with Jack until about 10:00 :)
We got up and had cereal for breakfast, and played with our dog for a while in the living room. We made a delicious Salad together for lunch, and after we finished eating, Jack got up from the couch and put the dog in her crate.
    "Come on," he said, walking into the bedroom.
    I followed him in, and saw the hairbrush and the five-fingered strap already laid out on the bed. My heart dropped. "Are you serious?" I asked, fear pumping through my body.
     We sat down on the bed together and he looked at me. "What?" he asked, grinning widely.
    "Those are the worst ones..." I murmured, looking up at him, pleading with my eyes.
     "Which one do you want me to start with?" he asked.
    "Your hand?" I said hopefully. When I saw him raise his eyebrow I quickly continued, "I won't bruise as much if you start with your hand...."
     He shook his head. "Which one of these do you want me to start with?" he repeated, his tone more firm than the last time.
     "Baaaabe, why can't you start with your hand?" I whined. "Pleasee!"
     "Alright, I'll start with the hairbrush," he decided, holding it up. His stern eyes gripped mine. "It's not your rules, babe." he reminded me. As I nodded he added, "it's about loss of control, so stop trying to gain it."
     I hung my head. "Yes sir." I got up and changed out of my sweatpants, pulling on thin pajama pants instead, knowing he wouldnt allow me to wear sweatpants to be spanked in.
    "Lay down. You can lay on the bed if you want," he offered. (Usually for these spankings he makes me bend over the arm of the couch in our room but I had killer cramps yesterday :( .. hes a good hubby!)
     "Thank you," I said, piling the pillows and laying over them. I held onto my stuffed animal and closed my eyes.
    He started out with hard spanks right from the start, and after only about 4 or 5 swats I was wiggling like crazy. He kept bringing that darn brush down over and over again.
    I felt him pulling my pajama pants down and knew that soon, that evil brush would be coming down on my panties. I squeezed my eyes shut and did my best to hold my hands in front of me, and did pretty well doing so until he started using the five fingered strap.
     After about a minute or so of that my bottom was aching and burning, and I threw my hands back to protect myself. "OW OW pleasee," I begged.
     "Go to the drawer and get me the black strap please," he ordered.
     I happily jumped up off the pillows, glad for a break, and kicked off my pants so I could walk across the room .I went to the drawer and got the black strap.
     "While you're there you might as well get the big paddle, also." Jack's voice said roughly behind me.
     I grabbed that, too, walking back to the bed slowly and handing them to my husband. I couldnt help but think how goddamn sexy he was, even if he was about to paddle my ass! 
     He gave me a smile. Mmm how I looooveeee that smile. "Get back over, sweetie." he nodded at the pillow pile.
     I climbed back over, adjusting myself so my bottom was a perfect target for him. Before I knew what was happening, both straps were coming down relentlessly on my sore, tender backside. It hurt like hell and I burst into tears before even a minute had passed of this, and he just kept going. I cried softly, hoping I wasn't sobbing to noticably (because in some sick way, I didn't want him to stop yet). All I could think about was how much it hurt and that the paddle was out and hadn't been used yet. I squeezed my stuffed animal as hard as I could, lying still and just crying.
     He picked up the paddle and gave me a couple of hearty smacks, causing me to cry out loudly. "Okay babe, ten on each cheek with this and that'll be the end," he said gently, giving my back a tender caress before beginning the whacks. Left, then right, left then right, he counted up to ten swats on each side, then gave me a couple with his hand for good measure.
     I laid over the pillows sobbing while he got up and put the weapons away.
     He came around to me, sitting beside me. "Come here my baby," he murmured, taking me into his arms. He brushed the hair from my face and kissed my tears off my cheeks. "Are you okay love?"
     I nodded. "Yes sir," I whispered. "I love you."
     "I love you too, baby."
     "It didn't take long, today. I was bawling in no time. Usually I can hold out waay longer than that," I told him.
      He nodded, smiling sweetly. "I know, baby. It was the combination of both straps that overwhelmed you. Before you could recover from the first one the other strap had already hit you. How do you feel?"
      "Sore, and HOT, but better." I smiled contentedly. "I love you soo much!"
      While we argued over who loved the other more, I knew in my head that it's probably he who loves me more. He definitely puts up with way more things (and loves me despite them!) than I do. It is moments like these, however, that I know that our love will only grow and strengthen over time.  I really must be the luckiest girl in the world.

a little rambling..

    Today has been awful. I have breaking into tears for no apparent reason, and feeling deeply rejected and hurt by the smallest of things. I am not sure where this is coming from. I have also been feeling reluctant about being spanked and when Jack brings up spanking me, I balk. Yesterday was supposed to be our reminder spanking but we didn't have it because I fell asleep before he came to bed. I'm starting to feel like we should move the reminder spankings to sundays anyway, since he and his best friend tend to spend saturday nights talking and drinking together until late hours, which I usually cannot stay up for. I can't quite figure out what my problem is lately. Jack has already told me that I am getting my spanking tonight. I shook my head no, and have been bringing it up all day how I don't want to be spanked tonight. I don't think he'll let me get away with it. Part of me reeeeeaaally wants him to let me out of it, but deep down I know I would be disappointed and hurt by it if he did.

A new road to follow

    We got married last Thursday, at a quaint little inn called Angels Watch. The ceremony was small and simple, just the two of us, but we both dressed up; he wore a tux and I wore a gown my mother had bought in NY while shopping for wigs. She was going through chemotherapy and was anticipating the loss of her hair so she made a weekend of going to New York City to buy wigs with my sister, aunt and cousin. While there she saw this dress, there were only a few made and it was her size, so she bought it. She never used it, it just sat in her closet for years. When she passed away, I was 16 years old, and my grandmother gave the dress to me, in case I wanted to use it for prom or something. I never opened the bag again until Jack proposed, and when I looked at it, I realized how perfect it would be, and when I tried it on, it couldn't have fit better! We got married on my parents anniversary and it couldn't have been more special. Everything was just perfect. The inn was empty so we had the place to ourselves that night. We took a bath, and I got a lovely spanking, and we made love. We spent the weekend at a friends house a few miles from the inn we got married in, so we had to push back our saturday "reminder spanking".
    Jack had declared that I would get it Sunday night, but we were both tired from our long weekend. We'd gone to visit my father and went to dinner with our roommate after that. By the time we got home it was 10:00 and we didnt crawl into bed until at least 10:30. He told me to get up and go to the drawer but I asked if we could post-pone until today because I was falling asleep, and he kindly agreed.
     I got the spanking today after lunch, before Jack went to work. It hurt like hell, a lot more than usual. I was very sensitive today, and was squealing and squirming from the very beginning. More than one time I jumped off the arm of the couch all together. Jack would hug me and comfort me and then make me bend back over and take the rest. He used the paddle, the black leather strap, and the double rod cane. He went back and forth between all three implements, spanking me first over my thin, patriots pajama pants, then over my panties, then finally on my bare bottom. I held my tears back, clenching my teeth and holding my breath. When he moved to my thighs with the strap I screamed.
     "PLEASE NO!" my legs were kicking, my hips rotating, desperately trying to escape. "Pleaseee not my thighs, pleaseeee..." I begged.
      He gave me a few more with the strap on my thighs and right where my bottom meets my thigh. Then he dropped the strap and used his hand to spank my thighs a little more. After a dozen good swats, I threw my hands back. He stood up and walked away, and I thought he was getting the handcuffs. I kept my eyes shut, and waited for him to come back. When he did, he pushed my hands out of the way, and squeezed lotion onto my flaming skin. He gently massaged it in, then gave me a few more swats with his hand before he picked up the strap again.
     My bottom was blazing, and I could feel myself reaching the brink. The strap came down again and again and I wiggled for all my life.
     "You get ten more with this, on each cheek." he annouced. He brought the strap down 10 times hard, on each cheek.
      I screeched with each swat, begging him to be done. When he finished with the strap, I was panting, my bottom throbbing.
      "Fifteen with this," he told me, holding up the double rod.
      Shaking my head, I laid my head down on my arms. "No, no. Please,"
      The first fifteen stung like hell, building and building and erupting in fire on my backside.
      "OW OW OW OW OWWWW PLEASE NO PLEASE," I cried, begging. Tears had welled in my eyes and when he started his rapid-fire fifteen stroke assault on my other cheek, they poured over, rolling down my face.
       He picked up the paddle. "And fifteen of these," he brought it down hard and fast, keeping his pace despite my pathetic wails and sobs. The tears were really coming and I sobbed freely. I was so engrossed in the pain I didn't notice the spanking had stopped until I heard the drawer opening and Jack putting the implements away. I wanted to jump up and hug him but I waited for my command. He sat down on the bed. "Come here," he said. I got up and he pulled me into his arms, lying down with me. He held me close while I cried, stroking my hair and whispering gently to me.


So far, married life has been great!

He Never Ceases to Amaze Me

I woke up yesterday morning a little dizzy and dazed from the night before. The ladies from work had taken me out drinking in leiu of a bachelorette party, and being someone who doesnt drink all that often, I spent friday night puking and fighting with Jack. I woke up on the couch with a puke bag next to me and our bedroom door propped open. Jack came out a few minutes later, recalling the previous night's events to me, including how I cut myself with my necklace because it was so tangled and I yelled at him about taking it off and fought him the whole time he was trying to. He also reminded me that he had to make me go outside and pick up paper towels I'd drunkenly tried to throw in the neighbor's yard after cleaning my puke out of a friend's car.
    "I think there's a paper towel on the neighbor's car," he told me sternly.
    I felt like my face must have been on fire. "Are you serious?" I asked quietly.
    He nodded. "You know what today is," he reminded me.
    I thought for a moment. "Saturday? Oh. It's saturday." Reminder spankings. That dreadful anticipation swelled in my belly.
    "You're going to get a good one tonight," he told me calmly. By now my stomach was doing flip flops. "Do you know what I'm going to use?" he asked.
    I shook my head. "No. What?"
    He grinned. "I'm not going to tell you yet," he patted my butt.
    Dread gripped me. "Can I make a request?" I asked meekly.
    He nodded. "You may. It might not be granted, but you can try." he responded fairly.
    "Please don't use the five fingered strap tonight," I pleaded. My eyes grew wide and I blinked innocently, literally begging him with my baby blues.
    He started to laugh. "Why is that your nemesis all of a sudden?" The five fingered strap is his favorite.
    "I really hate it. It hurts so much," I complained. Just talking about it made my bottom tingle. I climbed on to the bed next to him and nuzzled my head against his chest. "Please, baby."
    He sighed. "I don't know, I'll think about it. But, there's a good chance I'm going to use it." he warned me.
    For the rest of the day, every now and then he would go, "Baby..." and when I'd turn to look at him, he'd whisper, "Wapishh,"
    My heart rate would jump, the anticipation of the upcoming spanking growing and growing. By the time of the actual spanking (not until about 9:30 pm!) I was so anxious I could barely contain it.
    We went to our room, and sat down on the bed, cuddling each other and talking about our day and how close the wedding was. When a comfortable silence had settled over the room, Jack's voice broke sternly through it.
    "I want you to get up and go to the drawer," he ordered, referring to the drawer we keep our spanking arsenal in.
    I sighed, standing up and going to the dresser, opening the drawer, then looking obediently to him for my next direction.
    "I want the green 2 rod cane, the hairbrush, aaaannd...." he paused, letting me stand in agony as I waited for his last choice, praying he wouldn't say the five fingered leather strap. "You may choose the last implement, but choose wisely because if I don't agree, I'll just pick one."
    I looked over the implements left in the drawer, not particularly wanting to meet up with any of them, but knowing I had to pick something that would be nasty enough that he wouldn't just come get the strap. I reached for the big paddle, ignoring the voice in my brain telling me that wasn't a good choice. I knew I was already in for a good spanking, so I figured I might as well just accept it.
    He nodded. "That's fine," he said. "Now come over here and bend over the arm of the loveseat."
    I did as I was told, wondering how long it would take him to notice I was wearing sweat pants.
    He whacked me a few times successively with the double rod cane and then growled, "What are these? Get up and put spanking pants on." he demanded.
    I got up quickly and averted the swat he tried to land on my passing backside. I changed into leggings, and laid back over the edge of the couch.
    This time he attacked with the hairbrush, smacking my sit spot over and over. I was wriggling before the tenth swat had landed. He switched to the double rod and stung my whole backside rapid fire with it.
    I could hardly control my body and kept sliding off the side and throwing my hand back. After a particularly painful stinger to my sit spot with the double rod, I jumped up and grabbed my butt. "Oh, owww." I looked at Jack with my puppy dog eyes, hoping he'd give me a moment to recoup.
    Instead, he said, "You need to get the handcuffs."
    I nodded my head and went to the drawer, pulling out the pink velcro handcuffs and bringing them to him to fasten on me. Once he had, he kissed my forehead and firmly guided me back over the side of the couch. When I had cuddled up to my stuffed animal and put my head down, I felt him tugging my leggings down, keeping my panties in place. Thankfully, I'd remembered to put full bottom panties on yesterday. I moaned fearfully anyway.
    The next round was excruciating, as he switched back and forth between the double rod and the hairbrush, burning my bottom beyond what I thought possible. Despite the incredible pain, I hadn't yet started to cry. Again, I was "dry sobbing", like the last spanking. After a particularly hard round of fast hairbrush spanks, I looked back pleadingly, sliding off the arm. "Can we take a break?" I could see on his face that he was not going to comply. "Please," I begged, feeling desperation beginning to wash over me.
    "I'll go slower," he compromised.
    This wasn't any less painful, though it was less overwhelmingly so. He pulled my panties down, and started paddling my bottom. This paddle covered a whole butt cheek at a time, and the burn was intense, making my skin radiate heat.
    I cried out, unable to keep quiet. The only words coming out of my mouth were "Ow," and "OhGODthathurts", making sure not to ask him to stop. He paddled my thighs, (which are suuuuper sensitive,) and then moved back to my burning backside.
    "I'm going to get the strap, okay?" he told me softly.
    I felt the tears well up in my eyes at that. My butt already hurt so much, it didn't feel like I could possibly take anymore, let alone from the strap. I looked at him and I was crushed between my desire to submit to him and my fear of that horrible strap. I nodded my head and whispered, "Okay," putting my head down to hide my tears. I could hear him fussing around in the implement drawer, and my heart pounded erratically.
    He came back and started smacking my bare bottom with the strap.
    My legs were kicking, I squirmed, squealed and cried out for all I was worth, and that damned strap just kept coming down on my scorched skin. I jumped up off the arm of the couch, turning to look at Jack with my tear-filled eyes. I thought he might let me off easy when he saw my tears but to his great credit, he didn't.
     "Get back over the arm of the couch, babe." he said firmly, putting his hand in the small of my back and pushing me back down.
     As the strap started coming down again I started to feel myself lose control, and a wave of panic swallowed me. I wiggled hard, giving one last attempt at an escape before lying still and accepting my spanking.
     "Baby," he said softly. "Ten more with the strap on each side and you'll be done with it."
     "Do I have to count them?" I whimpered, breathing hard.
     "I will," he offered kindly. He doled them out, crisp and firm, counting them one by one. First ten on the left cheek, second ten on the right. When he finished, he put the strap down on the bed and stood up, getting the lotion off the dresser. He squirted some on my flaming bottom, and I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking maybe it was over (and yet insanely still hoping in the pit of my stomach that it wasn't.) He rubbed the lotion in gently, massaging as he did so. "Your ass is covered in welts," he said quietly, applying a little more lotion. He set the bottle of lotion back on the dresser and came back over to me, picking up the double rod and peppering my bottom with crisp swats.
      I clutched at my stuffed animal, feeling the emotion welling up inside of me, crashing against the walls of my body like the ocean. It swelled and churned, washing away the sadness and uncertainty inside of myself.
      Next came a barrage of swats from the awful big paddle again. The pain from the paddling and my emotional storm had finally built up enough and boiled over in the form of tears, rolling down my cheeks.  At last, he stopped, and massaged my welted, hot skin with his big hands.
     I moaned, grateful for his gentle touch yet quivering under the pain from the spanking. I caught my breath and got myself under control during this much needed break.
    "Ten more with each implement and then your spanking will be over. Five on each cheek. I'm going to start with the hairbrush. Okay?" he announced.
     I started to cry again, my bottom throbbing and throwing some serious heat. Nevertheless, this was exactly what I had asked Jack to do, and he was doing a marvelous job at carrying out my wishes. How could I do anything but submit? I nodded my head and whispered, "yes sir."
     He went pretty easy, (not to say they didn't hurt!!!!!) but I think the last ten with each implement was more of him showing me that he's in charge now, and it's not over until he decides it's over.
    The spanking hurt like hell and I sobbed in his arms for a good five to ten minutes after it was over, but I felt so wonderful and refreshed. I felt like we connected on a level deeper than anything we've experienced before last night. We made love afterward and it was absolutely amazing. Although all I could think about during the spanking was how much it hurt and how badly I wanted it to end, once the tears were flowing and it was over, I was at peace with myself and felt very safe and protected. I thanked him, and he told me I didn't need to thank him. He shared with me that it was very difficult for him to do this. I told him that I cant imagine how hard it must be but that I appreciate it very very much. I havent been able to stop staring at him and touching and cuddling him all day today. I'm still glowing from last night's experience, and can't think of any other way to describe it besides mind-blowing.

Back On Track

The past couple days have just been great. Yesterday morning I was given a good spanking, and Jack made sure to spank me until I was  crying. He maintained control throughout the whole spanking and he did a wonderful job. Things feel back on track, just the way they should be. Jack has been doing much better at assuming more control in our relationship, and it in turn makes me feel safer and more balanced. I am very happy with the way life is treating me right now, even though the wedding is next thursday and I still need shoes! :-o

reminder spanking round 2

It's saturday again, which means it's time for our reminder spanking again. This morning, I asked Jack softly, "Am I getting a hard spanking tonight?" He nodded. "Yep. Sorry in advance, but not really. Especially when I break out the picture paddle for the grand finale. The tears are gonna be flowing," he told me easily. My stomach immediately tensed into knots, but I felt a sense of joy coming over me as well. I hope beyond hope that tonight will be the night. I think he means it. He seems to. Honestly, I'm pretty nervous, and very excited. I just hope he doesn't give up before I actually cry, but I have a feeling it won't take much after the amount of playing we've been doing the past couple days. If he goes through with using all the implements like he threatened, I'll definitely be squirming and crying. My ass is pretty tender. My stomach is filled with butterflies and I don't want the time for us to go to bed to come, but a part of me just can't wait. I'm so nervous. I'll be back tomorrow to share how it went. Happy Saturday! :)

Lost

So, I got spanked last night. Yet somehow I was left feeling more empty than I did before the spanking. He built the spanking up, and I felt, didn't deliver. Teasingly this morning, I said, "I thought I was getting a long spanking last night?" Instead of threatening another spanking like I expected, he said, "Well I was tired babe, what do you expect?" I felt crushed, like spanking me is just a chore he has to get done before he can go to sleep. Just typing that sentence makes my chest tight and the tears well in my eyes. I don't want to force him to do something that doesn't feel natural to him. It makes me feel guilty and just so heartbroken that he's not as "into it" as he lets on. I want this to be something that we both benefit from and I feel like he's burdened by it, which in turn makes it very difficult for me to benefit from it either. Just when I thought things were getting on the right track, I fall off the edge of the cliff again. Flailing blindly for a ledge to grab on to, I am left struggling to pull myself back on a level of clarity. I wish I could find a way to communicate this to Jack without making him feel criticized or unaccomplished. I need to be spanked until I cry. I need it for my emotional and mental sanity. I feel like a hypocrite for asking him to be in control and then telling him how to do everything. I honestly don't know what else to do.

A Spanking in the Near Future

Today is Saturday, and the day that Jack chose to administer my weekly "reminder spankings." He has been working in the yard all day with our roommate, leaving me with nothing to do other than to think about what's going to happen tonight. This will be the first ever reminder spanking, and I'm beginning to wonder why I suggested it in the first place! He came in a little while ago and bent down to kiss me. "You're getting your spanking tonight," he reminded me. "A long, long one. And I might have to break out the cuffs if you start putting your hands back." My heart immediately started racing and I looked up at him to see if he was serious. He was. "Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked, leaning forward and kissing my chin quickly, and grinning. "I love you." What the hell? How can he be so nonchalant about this? It's amazing how he can just go on with his day and not give a second thought to it, and it's all I can think about all day long. He left to go finish his yardwork, and I sat contemplating his words. How did this man go from being afraid to spank me, to threatening me with this?! I'm afraid to even try to imagine what he's going to use. The black strap, probably, the five fingered strap, definitely, the hairbrush? Possibly. We have quite the little arsenal of spanking tools, but he tends to forget about the old ones as we get new ones. The endless posibilities are torturous.

Needing it...

Today has been the longest day of all days. For no particular reason at all except that my allergies are terrible this week, and my favorite child was absent from school today. I feel tense and I can feel myself needing it more and more. It's strange and I cant quite figure out how to perfectly explain it. It just builds up, layer upon layer inside of me, like thick, dark, smoke. It makes me feel restless. Jack is sitting across the room with his mother, trying to show her how to work facebook. All I want to do is be hauled across his lap and have the daylights spanked out of me. Urrrgh. I hate waiting :(

New Beginnings

I always knew that I was interested in spanking. By age 14, I was reading stories about spanking discipline online when my parents went out and I was left to babysit. I would read countless stories, distinterested by the sexual stories and drawn to those with a clear discipline focus. I didn't date much in highschool. Even after highschool, I only dated a few guys and I never even thought about telling any of them about my spanking fetish. This was something that was very very personal and intimate with me and I didn't feel I shared a connection worthy of sharing that part of myself with any of those guys. When I met Jack, it was immediately obvious that he is naturally dominant, and I was extremely attracted to him. It took me a long time to open up to him about my interest in spanking, but I am genuinely glad that I did.
When we first began incorporating spanking, it was playful and often erotic. He spanked very lightly to begin with, experimenting each time he spanked me, discovering that he wasn't going to actually hurt me.
Jack proposed on Christmas eve, and shortly after, I became aware that I needed and desired more from the spanking dynamic of our relationship. More importantly, I realized that I needed to share my desires with Jack, and that although it may be embarassing, he deserved to know about something that meant this much to me. I came across a book online called "How to Give a Spanking" (there is another that goes with it called "How to Get the Spanking You Want,) and I bought/downloaded it and printed it out for my fiance. I read through it and highlighted and underlined specific things that applied to myself and my desires. The most important part (from my point of view) was that it included the observation that if it was embarassing and difficult for the wife to ask to be spanked, then she probably is looking for the sort of spanking that will leave her marked and teary-eyed. This part of the book does not come until about half-way through, and let me tell you, it was torture waiting for Jack to get to that part. Since he works such odd hours, he spends much of his free time with me, not leaving a lot of time for reading. He had discovered some important tid bits of information such me wanted to be disciplined for real actions, and he commented, "I have no problem bending you over and spanking you when you're bad. But you don't do anything wrong."
After a month or so of his reading, and still not getting to the key point, I became frustrated and anxious. I wrote him a note, explaining that I wanted to cry from a spanking. I was terrified to tell him this, afraid he would refuse or think differently of me. He told me that he would do his best, that he wanted to make me happy and give me what I wanted, but that it would be extremely difficult because all he wanted was for me to be safe and happy and he did not want to be the one causing tears or pain. I understood this, and it became a lot more clear to me at this point just how much I was asking of Jack. I was overcome with appreciation for Jack and all he has done for me, very aware that many women aren't as lucky as I.
My spankings were much harder after that, and it was as if Jack was playing with my limits, exploring my boundaries and seeing just how far he could go before I would cry. We continued to play with spanking, buying new implements and testing them out, taking it day by day. Over the past weekend, I was starting to feel like I needed a spanking. I was short-tempered and cranky for no reason, and I felt as if I could crawl out of my skin. I wanted to behave but I just couldn't, taking every opportunity to poke or pinch or just plain bother Jack. He had asked me to do something and I scoffed. He told me that my behavior was going to earn me 65 swats with the black strap if I didn't change my attitude. I asked if I would have to count them or if he would, because it might be worth bratting some more if I didn't have to count. He told me that I was going to have to count, and that I could certainly look forward to a spanking that night. Later he actually gave me and made me count the 65 (which I did not expect in the least) and continued spanking me with a different strap when he'd finished those. He spanked me harder than he usually does, and after finishing up with the strap, he hand spanked me on my thighs until my eyes had welled with tears. I was breathing hard and had tears rolling silently down my cheeks when the spanking had finished.
I was ... relieved .. for lack of a better word. It felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders, and I was finally balanced and safe. I nuzzled into Jack's arms and cherished the feeling of his arms around me.
"How does your butt feel?" he'd asked.
"It's sore," I complained. "You made me cry!" I pointed out, unable to communicate this to him any other way.
"I'm sorry," he murmured softly. "But not really,"
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. "No sorries." I insisted. "Thank you," I couldn't explain to him how much it meant to me that he was so accepting and accommodating to my needs. I felt another wave of emotions and I smiled. "I love you,"


That was my first spanking to tears and it was all I could have wished for. Looking back at the past year and a half, and how much our relationship has evolved, I know that our future is bright. It is a wonderful way to begin our new lives together, and I believe it will only make our bonds stronger.