Ups and Downs

     I'll start with the ups. Friday night, J's mom came over to watch the baby so we could have a date night! It was awesome. J took me out to eat to one of my favorite restaurants, and then we went to see Our Idiot Brother, which ended up being pretty funny. Later we sat together in the basement talking, and I was developing a bit of an attitude. J raised an eyebrow and kinda playfully asked me why I was being so fresh .. I of course replied with a *ahem* polite response (not, try super sarcastic ... oops!) and he quickly grabbed me and pulled me over his lap. He gave me a dozen or so hard smacks and told me to stop being so sassy. When he let me up, I may or may not have pouted, just a little! ...and J pushed me back down and swatted me a few more times, hard. Apparently, making a pouty face counts as being "fresh". Who knew?
     J seems to be more drawn to my butt. Anytime he is around I can expect a pinch, grab or smack on the bum. He doesnt care if people are around, either .. the other day, he swatted me in front of his brother! I could have just dropped dead, and I felt like my face was blazing, but his brother didnt seem phased. I'm sure it came across as playful, but I was still embarassed! I like that he's enjoying that region more .. I love the attention!
     Now, the downs. Today is a sad day for me. I am remembering someone who was taken from us too soon. My mother would have been 44 today. I am like my mom in many ways, and as much as I cherish that, it frightens me too. I fear finding the disease that took her, in me. Sometimes I am afraid that I will die young, too. I get overwhelmed by this sometimes, especially on days like today, when I think of her more. It almost seems inevitable. I wonder if the things I do specifically to lower my risk of developing breast cancer will even make a difference. I worry that I would not be strong enough to stand up in the face of it, if it ever were to strike. I know it is silly and probably unhealthy to worry so obsessively over this, but sometimes I can't help it.
     We didn't have maintenance this past weekend. Saturday, J had a few drinks at dinner at my father's. It turned out he had one too many and he wasn't feeling well, so he laid down and fell asleep. I wasn't bothered, really .. a little uneasy, because I really need my maintenance spankings, but I was tired and fell asleep quickly after laying down with him. Sunday, J told me in the morning that I was getting a spanking that night. He apologized for falling asleep, which was sweet. There was a short, quick spanking Sunday during the day. It was playful and the tone was light. Sunday night, I came out of the baby's room after putting him to bed and found J snoring on the couch. I woke him up and we went to bed. He fell back to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. This morning, when he woke up he said, "When (the baby) takes a nap, you're going to get your spanking." I just shook my head. "No." I waited. The first time the baby fell asleep, I sat around waiting for him to tell me to go to the bedroom. I wondered if he would get the implement, or if he would ask me to. I thought about how I'd moved and hidden the strap and hairbrush, and what his reaction would be if he asked me to get either of those implements. I went to the room and put them back in the drawer where they belong as soon as I was able to go without J noticing. He didn't tell me to go. The second time the baby fell asleep, I wondered while I watched the minutes go by if he was going to do this at all. I wanted to just say 'hey lets go do maintenance?' I didn't say anything, though. I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him, and honestly, I didn't want to ask. That just ruins it. I wanted it to be on his terms. When the baby woke up from his second nap, I started to feel a little panicky. I didn't think that he would even sleep again before J had to go, but he did fall asleep about a half hour before J was supposed to leave. I went and laid down in the bedroom, curled up beneath the covers 10 min later. J came in to change into his work clothes, and saw me laying on the bed. I'm not sure if I wasn't in there if he even would have done this, but he got the five fingered strap from the drawer and came over to where I was laying. I was mad. I didn't even want him to spank me, now! He had to leave soon, there wasn't possibly enough time ... "NO!" I said, when he told me to roll over.
     His eyes softened. "Come on, babe. Roll over..."
     "I don't want one!" I said stubbornly.
     "I have to spank you a little bit, roll over."
     I shook my head. "Uh-uh."
     "Please don't make me roll you over..." he said quietly.
     I stared at him, my expression stony.
     "Babe, you're not supposed to resist or object." J reminded me, narrowing his eyes.
     Sighing, I rolled over and put my face in the pillow. I was determined not to make a sound, not to let him in. I made it through the first ten or so swats before I cried out.
     He gave me probably 30 swats in all, and then it was over. He laid down next to me in bed and held me, but I didn't feel better.
      I felt like spanking me was some kind of horrible chore, something that had to be done but he didnt really want to. I felt like it was put off and put off until it couldnt be anymore, and then rushed through. I was looking forward to the release that maintenance usually provides, I needed to be able to be shed all my protective layers and be vulnerable, open. This spanking was not that.
     There could be more. Maybe, that was to hold me over until he can take care of it fully. I know I should just trust him, accept the decisions he makes, even when it's not what I think I need. I'm working on that.
     I recently noticed that there is a feature on blogger that allows you to add emails to a list, and then when you post an entry, it emails a link to it to the people on the list. I told J about this feature, and asked if he would like me to add him to the list, or did he prefer to look on his own? I asked because I hoped he would say yes, add him .. I know he hardly reads here because I always ask if he's read recently, and he always says no. But, he said that he'd prefer to look on his own (translation:not at all). It hurt my feelings at first, that he doesnt want to read what I write but now I'm choosing to look at it differently. If I thought he was reading here regularly, maybe I wouldn't share all the things I do. I wouldn't explore different aspects of my feelings for fear of what he would think. If he did something I really liked, I would wonder if he'd acted of his own accord, or in response to something I'd posted about wanting. So, maybe it's good he's not always looking.

     Today was J's first day on second shift. It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, except I waited up for him to get home, and now I'm exhausted. Good night everyone. Thanks for letting me rant.

Eden Fantasy Review !

     The Rainbow G Dildo

Recently, I received this dildo from my favorite place to get sex toys. It is made of glass, which is why I chose it. I had never used a toy made of glass before and I was very intrigued by the idea. It's definitely heavier than I imagined it would be, but the weight of it didn't bother me. In fact, that combined with it being cold since my bedroom was cold from the A/C made it feel really good when J rolled the tip over other parts of my body. It's curvy, so it hits all the right spots, and the pretty, colorful nubs aren't so bad either ;)

From the site:
Design / Shape / Size

Color: Multi-color
Length: 7 3/4"
Insertable length: 7 1/4"
Circumference :4 1/4"
Diameter: 1 3/8"
Weight: 10.5 oz
 
If you're looking for a good way to spice things up in the bedroom, this is one of the best dildos that I've owned.
 

All Mixed Up

     It feels like someone took ahold of my brain and shook it all up, and now everything inside is all stuck together, and out of place... and I'm having a hard time picking up the pieces, separating it all and putting it all back together. So, this is going to be me trying to figure everything out ... forgive me if this post makes no sense at all!
     This week is the last week that J is on the day shift. After this, he will be working second shift. Even before the baby, I wasn't crazy about him working second shift because it meant less time together. It doesnt seem like it should, because we have the day together instead of the night. But, by the time hes home it's close to 11:30, then he has to take a shower, usually hes hungry .. and wide awake. He doesnt usually fall asleep until 2 or so in the morning, and thats on a good night. Which means he sleeps later in the morning to catch up on what he needs to be functional. This was alright when the baby wasn't around because I didnt mind staying up late to wait for him to get home, and then we'd spend time together after his shower, AND in the morning/afternoon before he went to work. Now, however, I will most likely be in bed by the time he gets home (pout .. I hate going to bed alone, not to mention its hard for me to sleep when he's not beside me). Oh yeah, and alone time? You can forget about it. The only time the baby sleeps longer than 30 min is at night, and he wont be here. 
     Saturday night, we were laying in bed talking and cuddling and it came up about him going back on nights. Before I knew what hit me, I was in tears! I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me until that moment. I dont know who was more surprised, J or me! I hate crying in front of people, even J, as silly as it might seem. Then I got annoyed with myself for letting him see me cry. I didn't want him to think I was upset with him. I wasn't. I know that he's unhappy working second shift as well, but it pays better and we need it. I know that the only reason he does it is because he gets great benefits and he wants to take the best care of our family as he can. But knowing all this doesnt make it hurt less thinking about all the time we wont have together. It makes me feel needy, and weak. I dont like that. I want to be strong, and independant...but deep down I know I'm not. I miss him when he's not around. I was already struggling with the little amount of alone time we have together, and now this. J is like my air, and I already feel like I'm choking without him.
     I had to ask him to post-pone maintenance for a night. If you read here often, you know this is not like me at all. I hate skipping spankings, and especially missing maintenance. I really needed it, too, but Saturday night was not the time. I could hardly get control of myself, sobbing off and on for the next 45 minutes or so. When J picked up the hair brush and told me tonight I'd be getting 150 on each, I felt my stomach knot. I started crying again. I didnt think I could handle being spanked in my emotional state. I asked softly could we please just do it all Sunday? He wasn't sure at first, but once he was assured I wouldn't be disappointed with him not spanking me, he agreed. I felt far too fragile already to have to put myself in an even more vulnerable position, and was thankful for the reprieve.
     We had "the first part" of maintenance last night. Apparently, maintenance now occurs on saturday AND sunday, and since we skipped saturday, my next "appointment" as J called it, is tonight. Last night's spanking was pretty intense. Same routine as last week ... started and ended with the strap with a little hair brush in the middle. Ouch. J was firm again throughout. My hands only went back once, and he graciously didnt give me more swats for it, but he did let me know in no uncertain terms that if it happened again, I'd get two very hard swats extra. Thankfully, I was able to keep them where they belonged! Yay, me :)
     As difficult as it is, I like that he expects that of me. It feels good to be held accountable for something, and its as good a place to start as any. He knows that it's hard for me to not put my hands back and try to protect my bottom, but if I do put my hands back, I could get hurt, and he doesnt want that. So, no matter how difficult, he expects restraint. I can live with that ... and I can live with the two extra swats if I screw up. Anyway, it gives me hope that he will eventually extend the accountability into our every day lives and not keep it confined to spanking time only. 
     I'm actually not looking forward to tonights spanking. If last week was any indication, the "second part" is going to be worse than last night, and to be honest, I'm a little tender today. Sometimes I wonder, if we could get spanked and it not be painful but still get all the benefits from it, would it be the same? Somehow, I dont imagine it would.

Just a Word?

     After writing my post yesterday, it sent my brain spinning in another direction. I started thinking about all the things that J does and says that put me in a more submissive state of mind. These are just a few of the things that put me in a better place:

• grabbing a fistful of my hair and giving it a firm tug
• making me look him in the eye (although this sometimes makes me feel extremely defiant and sassy)
• having me get the implement he's going to use on me OR
• not letting me know what implement he's going to use on me until he starts using it
• ordering me to do specific things like not put my hands back while he's spanking me or hold a certain position
• putting me in positions for a spanking that make me feel vulnerable
• either taking my pants and panties down, or instructing me to do it myself...both have similar effects.
• leaving an implement out for me to see it before telling me I'm getting a spanking
• making me eat regular meals (sometimes I forget, guys .. or I just dont feel hungry! dont give me that look) or making sure I dont eat junk (or cookie dough, mm) before an actual meal.
• telling me put to on something specific to wear when I'm being spanked i.e a certain pair of shorts or panties
• having to wait in position or bare for a spanking
• making me tell him why I'm being spanked, why I didn't do what I was supposed to
• when he makes me choose a card, and then has me read it aloud to him.
• if during a spanking, I complain that it hurts and he tells me that "its supposed to," or "it needs to be."
• he asks to see my butt the next day, or asks if it hurts still the next day
• squeezing my butt kinda hard

     I am pretty sure there are a bunch more but by now I'm sure you all get the gist. The majority of the ones I wrote are mostly intentional, I think, but there are others that I think he just does naturally. Another thing I love is laying down with my head in his lap. I feel very submissive in that position, and it is my favorite place to be. When I'm laying in his lap, the rest of the world melts away. Nothing matters anymore except that I'm his, and he is mine. 

      Okay, folks .. now it's your turn! Girls, is there anything your man does or says that instantly puts you in your place? Guys .. anything you do or say with the intention of getting her back in a submissive mindset?

Rewards

     J and I were sitting in our newly (almost) finished basement. He had just come back from the laundry area, where there was a little puddle of water. His shoes were squeaking on the waxed floor when he came back, and he wondered why the floor was wet. I suggested that he probably stepped in the puddle in the laundry room.
     "Well why is there water here on the floor," he said, pointing to where his feet were now.
     "Because you probably stepped in the puddle, and your feet were wet, which made the floor wet .. and squeaky."
     "I dont think I stepped in the water though."
     "You probably did," I told him. "I did."
     He got up and traced his foot steps back to the laundry room, where he found footprints coming from the water leading to the room we were in. Laughing, he came back over, admitting he did step in the water. "Who knew?" he asked as he was sitting back down on the futon next to me. 
     I slowly raised my hand, a grin on my face. "Me! I knew."
     Laughing again, he asked. "You knew? Well, do you know what your reward is?" he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me over his lap.
     I toppled forward over his legs, and let my hand brace myself on the floor as he started whacking away. "Hey!" I cried. "This is a little hard for a reward!!"
     He only gave me probably a dozen then helped me up, his expression still amused.
     We went back to our conversation, filled with light banter back andf forth. We play a lot with each other, tickles and playful pinches and grabs, and this night was no different.
     I was pretty hyper, admittedly, and probably a little over zealous with my "playing". 
     "Wow, you are fiesty tonight!" he raised his eyebrows. "You might be getting another reward in a minute," he threatened, and grabbed my hand.
     "No! I'll be good..." I promised, sitting back and putting on my most innocent face.

     He didn't spank me again. Lately, though, it seems he's been showing signs of taking more control. I don't know if these small acts are his way of expressing some more dominance, or if it just seems that way because I am working harder at being truly submissive. When he asks me to do something (asks, not tells...he hardly ever tells me to do something) I am doing my best to just do it, without complaint or attitude. It seems that the more submissive I act, the more dominant he acts. Now thats my kind of reward :)

Sitting Tenderly

     I'm not sure if he's been reading here again. It almost seems that way, because it's like he's inside my head. I feel so in sync and connected with him, it's pretty amazing.
     Last night was maintenance, and it was definitely not the experience I was expecting at all. It was extremely intense, painful, and it was exactly what I needed. J somehow knew just what to do. He originally told me he wanted me "butt in the air" again, but agreed when I asked if I could please lie over a pillow. Thankfully, because I could not have taken that spanking in that position.
     There was no warm up. He used the strap. It was long, and hard. It took a lot to break through the big, strong walls I'd built up around my extreme emotions. He did start over my pants, but they didn't stay up long...neither did my panties.
     I had a little problem with keeping my hands away from my backside. I really did try, but it hurt so darn bad!
     The first time my hand went back, J ordered me to take it away, then delivered two hard whacks to my backside. "For putting your hands back," he said and returned to task. This might have happened another time after that, too. *sigh* He switched to the hair brush a short time later. On my already so sore bottom, it hurt. A lot! Those pesky hands, well, they found their way back again. I think I even said, "please!"
     "Move them." he said firmly.
     My stomach flip flopped as I quickly thought about my choices. I desperately wanted to protect my backside from any more attention, however, I wanted to do what J said. As he was repeating his demand for me to move my hands, I slowly pulled them away from my butt.
     Two more fast, hard swats fell, then his deep voice spoke sternly. "The reason I punish you more when  you put your hands back is beacuse you could get hurt if I accidentally hit your hand."
     Believe it or not (yes, you might call me crazy) my heart soared when he said those words to me. Part of that big, strong wall crumbled. What I heard was he was punishing me because he cared. He didn't want me to be hurt. I didn't put my hands back again the entire spanking, even though at times it felt like I couldn't stop myself...but I did. I felt myself let go a little, and I finally stopped resisting the spanking and just absorbed the swats, accepted the pain. When that big, strong wall I'd built finally fell down, all the emotions I'd buried behind it came flowing out. It was relieving, a weight lifted from my shoulders. It felt good to let it all go. I sobbed. Even after the spanking ended and J held me tight in his arms, kissing me and comforting me, I could not stop crying. I had so much intense emotion that I'd pushed aside because I dont know how to deal with it.
     He helped me deal with it. He reminded me that he was there, a strong force in my life. He showed me that I could be vulnerable with him and show him my feelings and that he would protect me, and make me feel loved. He did this all, just by spanking me.

     I think this was my hardest spanking to date. Usually, an hour or so after being spanked, you wouldnt even be able to tell I was spanked at all. Not last night. I could definitely feel it hours later. I didn't even go to the bathroom to look at my bum, which I usually do, too. I didn't want to see. This morning, and well into the day, I felt it every time I sat down. It wasn't pleasant, but I liked it. Weird? Maybe. But its true.
     He gave me a few solid swats "just to warm me up," and just a few made my butt burn like crazy!
     OMG. I have never experienced anything like this before! I have never ever EVER been sore the next day. Tender (if spanked again) maybe, but not sore like I could feel it without it even being touched. People, if this man ever decides he's going to start holding me accountable and really punishing me for things ... I'm in some serious trouble. OUUUUUCCHH. Having said all of that, I am so thankful that J was able to read me, and gave me exactly what I needed, even though it was hard on both of us. He is such an amazing, wonderful man and I really am so lucky that I am his.

Just What I Needed

     Yesterday was a stressful day and I was texting with J while he was at work, and told him the baby was being really fussy. Being the awesome hubby that he is, when he got home from work he showered, then offered to take the baby for a ride so I could shower and have a little time to myself. I was in a horrible mood, and my attitude was sour for sure. Even after I'd showered, I was still feeling cranky. J called me and asked if we had rice. I looked in the cabinet, we didnt have any. He told me he'd gotten a surprise, and I kinda blew it off. It wasn't that I didn't care that he'd gotten something special, I just had a lot of other things on my mind.
     When he got back with the baby, he announced that he'd bought SWORDFISH for dinner! MY FAVOITE!! He'd also gotten garlic herb rice pilaf and asparagus. I was in heaven! He really, really is so good to me. He said that since it was obviously hard to go out to eat, he wanted to bring a really nice meal to me, because I deserve it. I could have cried when he said that!
     Even with all of his nice gestures, and the amazing dinner, I still felt myself falling into a "funk." I dont know what my problem was but I just felt cranky. Just before we were getting to bed, I leaned against J and sorta whined into his chest, "I feel grumpy.."
     "What?" he asked. "Even though I got swordfish and made a special dinner for you?"
     Put that way, I sounded like a horrible jerk. I quickly tried to explain. "Thank you, for dinner, baby, it really was awesome!" I didn't want him to think I didn't appreciate what he'd done for me, because I really, really did! I just was feeling off, and I felt like I needed to tell him I was feeling that way.
     He shook his head. "No, get on the bed, butt in the air." he ordered.
     "But baby, I just wanna say thank you for dinner," I whined, puckering my lips.
     He walked past me, pointing at the bed. "Butt in the air," he said as he rounded the bed, and grabbed the strap.
     I was filled with a variety of emotions at this point. I was mostly surprised, because he doesn't usually specify a position for me to be in when he spanks me. I felt little, not in a bad way, but I was intensely aware of how much bigger and stronger J is than me. It gave me sort of a thrill, to be honest! There was a little bit of fear, because I hate the strap ... but also because I could feel that I wasn't in control. I made a feeble attempt at maintaining a little control, and lay down on the bed. I moved to put the pillow below my waist but he stopped me.
      "No. Butt.In.The.Air."
     I looked back at him, and he was serious. My tummy fluttered, and I reluctantly raised my backside, my back sloped. The seconds that lingered between the moment I presented J with his target and the strap falling felt like hours. I felt so exposed, even fully clothed. It seemed to me that if he looked at me at just the right angle, he would see everything inside of me. The strap finally did fall and it did hurt. I didn't hold position very well, but each time I moved from where I was supposed to be, J insisted I move back.
     He was firm. His presence was commanding, and I felt relieved. Safe. He was gentle and tender afterward. He climbed into bed with me and held me, kissed me. Things moved to a more passionae avenue.
     I was on cloud nine. I had really missed J throughout the week and it felt good to reconnect in the ways that we both respond best to. A good spanking, for me. (Great, actually...) And sex, of course, for both of us. And J's favorite thing, but we wont go there ... ;)

Eden Fantasys Review :)

 SLIQUID ORGANICS GEL

So far, I have loved everything I've tried out from Eden Fantasys. If you haven't been to their website, you definitely should check it out. They sell a variety of sex toys and other fun things!! This time, J and I tried the Sliquid Organics water based sex lubricant. What I loved SO much about this product is that its very light, and not tacky-feeling like a lot of other lubes. It has no smell and it's not edible but if you happen to lick it by accident, well .. it has no taste, either. This was a big plus for us as well because I've accidentally licked the KY that we have, and it tasted HORRIBLE. Another thing I really liked is its made from natural and organic ingredients, which is good for me since I tend to be a tad sensitive, and this didn't cause any discomfort at all. I also really like the look of the bottle that the lube comes in! This lube also works great in the shower :) The only complaint I could make is that we had to reapply once or twice.



What's a Girl To DO?

I want to start by saying I am pretty pleased with the way things have been going. I was afraid that without me reminding him, he would just let DD fall by the wayside, but he hasn't. It feels like he is slowly taking more control, maybe just taking his time to find what works for him and us. I hope that someday, he will see the benefits this has not only for me, but for him and our relationship as a whole. I know that right now, it's all for me; smoke and mirrors.

The last time I posted, I wrote about maintenance and how there was supposed to be a second part. J tried to follow through monday night but literally as he was telling me to get over the pillow, the baby woke up. He tried hard to stay awake, but he just couldn't do it. We finished up last night instead, with a hairbrush spanking. It hurt, and my bottom was definitely sore when he finished.

Here lies my problem. I need a hard spanking. Okay, maybe hard isn't the right word. Let's use "thorough" instead. I have felt it for weeks now, the tugging feeling beneath my skin like I'm slowly being swallowed from the inside out. Time and time again, I have wanted to tell J that I need a serious spanking, but each time convinced myself not to say anything, because I don't want to discourage him. He is doing such a great job and I don't want him to think I'm ungrateful or something. I am having a hard time figuring out why I need such a big time spanking, because usually I only feel like this when I am very sad or overwhelmed. I think part of it is that I miss J. He's been so busy with work and projects at the house, lately. Between him being preoccupied with that, and me always with the baby .. I feel like we never see each other. At times when I am overhwelmed and have a lot on my mind, this feels like he doesn't care about me, doesnt have time for me. I know thats not true, but it's how I feel sometimes. Some days, it feels like we're on different planets, even though we're sitting right next to each other. I want him to reach up to my planet and pull me back down to him, where I belong. I want him to break down the walls that I put up, the ones that are meant to protect me from the rest of the worlds bullshit, but hold me tightly within while they keep everything else out. For him to bare me, both literally and figuratively, strip me down til there's nothing left but the core of my being. When I'm in that place, then I can see that he is in control, he's going to take care of me. I can see that he's paying attention, and he won't let me get swallowed by everyday life. He will always save me, catch me every time I fall. Those kind of spankings recenter me, reconnect us. I feel closer to him when I'm sniffling into his chest with a hot bottom than I do most any other time. SO ... where does that leave me? I promised myself (and J) that I was going to back off and let him take control. Does that mean I shouldn't ask for a spanking when I need one? Am I supposed to wait, now, for J to recognize that I need to be rescued, or can I call for help?



I don't know what to do! I hate feeling so needy and pathetic.Blech. I hope someone has some good advice for me, because I definitely don't want to be overstepping any freshly drawn lines...but I need a spanking! HELP!!

little update

     Saturday, we went to a family reunion at J's grandma's house. J got to see some family that he hasn't seen in a very long time, and I got to meet a bunch of new people! My nephew was with us, and he had a blast meeting and playing with cousins he didn't even know he had. It was awesome watching him enjoy himself so much.
     When we finally got home Saturday night, J told me he was making himself a sandwich, and asked would I like one? I told him no thank you.
     "What did you eat today?" he asked. I hesitated just for a moment and he said, "You didn't eat sh*t today, you're going to have a sandwich. You have to eat,"
     I sighed. "But .. I was thinking of having some ice cream!" For the record, I had eaten fruit for breakfast, and a turkey sandwich and more fruit for lunch at the reception. I thought I'd done a pretty good job, and was just gonna skip dinner and have ice cream :)
     He looked at me, and shook his head. "Ice cream? I'm overriding that decision. You're having a sandwich. Sorry. Do want pastrami on yours? Mustard and mayo?"
     I thought for one second about arguing with him, then reeled myself in. I had to remind myself that I had to let him do this, because this is what I'd asked him to do. This was an act of dominance, he was stepping in where he saw me making a less than stellar decision and turning me in the right direction. Now, it was my job to submit. So I did. I let him make me a sandwich, I thanked him for it, and the smile on my face was genuine.
     Later, he gave me a spanking with the hairbrush. It lasted a while, and my bottom definitely was stinging pretty good by the time he finished. I wasn't crying, or close to tears, but thats a rarity these days anyway. He then told me that there would be an additional session the next day, and that he was only stopping because he was tired and sore.
    
     I was excited that he remembered maintenance on his own on Saturday. I havent been pushing the subject at all, even though spanking is pretty much always on my mind. Ugh! It's hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I know he has to do this his own way. The spanking I was supposed to get yesterday has been post-poned until today, because J was tired and falling asleep by the time we went to bed. Today, he's not feeling too great, so I wouldn't be surprised if it doesnt happen today either. (Though I really hope it does! I hate having to wait, and I hate even more not knowing whats going to happen!)
    

A revelation of sorts

     I dont know how to let go of control. Sounds crazy, right, since I'm so gung ho for DD to work in my relationship? I know. It sounds crazy to me too, and I had quite a hard time wrapping my head around it. After a conversation J and I had, I did a lot of thinking about ttwd, submission, and spanking in general.
     I am a submissive person. I don't prefer to be the leader, I don't like making decisions, and I avoid confrontation at (pretty  much) all costs. J is very naturally a dominant person. He is strong willed, extremely intelligent, and absolutely hates not being in control. I think it's frightening for him when something is out of his hands. These are all reasons that I believed (and still do) that dd would work for us. What I realized is that I wasn't allowing either of us to fall into our natural roles. I put pressure on (unknowingly at times, but it happened) him and tried to control the when/where/how, and sometimes even the why! I didn't even recognize that I was doing this until the conversation that we had, and it took me a long time to come to this conclusion. It shook me, honestly.  At one point in our talk, J said, "I thought it was supposed to be my decision, and it turns out thats not the truth at all."
     Now that I'm aware of what I've been doing ... I'm going to make a conscious effort to be truly submissive. To stop fighting him in search of a reaction, and just do what he tells me to. To stop testing him, and let him take the reins. I should have been doing this all along, and I'm pretty upset with myself that I worked against us for so long. It's pretty scary giving your whole self to someone and trusting them with it, but that's what I have to do. Just give it to him, and let it be his...thats my new motto these days.