A revelation of sorts

     I dont know how to let go of control. Sounds crazy, right, since I'm so gung ho for DD to work in my relationship? I know. It sounds crazy to me too, and I had quite a hard time wrapping my head around it. After a conversation J and I had, I did a lot of thinking about ttwd, submission, and spanking in general.
     I am a submissive person. I don't prefer to be the leader, I don't like making decisions, and I avoid confrontation at (pretty  much) all costs. J is very naturally a dominant person. He is strong willed, extremely intelligent, and absolutely hates not being in control. I think it's frightening for him when something is out of his hands. These are all reasons that I believed (and still do) that dd would work for us. What I realized is that I wasn't allowing either of us to fall into our natural roles. I put pressure on (unknowingly at times, but it happened) him and tried to control the when/where/how, and sometimes even the why! I didn't even recognize that I was doing this until the conversation that we had, and it took me a long time to come to this conclusion. It shook me, honestly.  At one point in our talk, J said, "I thought it was supposed to be my decision, and it turns out thats not the truth at all."
     Now that I'm aware of what I've been doing ... I'm going to make a conscious effort to be truly submissive. To stop fighting him in search of a reaction, and just do what he tells me to. To stop testing him, and let him take the reins. I should have been doing this all along, and I'm pretty upset with myself that I worked against us for so long. It's pretty scary giving your whole self to someone and trusting them with it, but that's what I have to do. Just give it to him, and let it be his...thats my new motto these days.