I am so missing spankings! Life with a newborn is hectic and stressful at times, and I could use a good spanking to reset me and ease my stress. My incision opened up in a small spot and it's still pretty tender but I've been doing most everything I normally do and feel "fine". I'm probably over-doing it and my dr scolded me a little when I went to have the opening checked, but I just want life to be back to normal. I'm not doing anything crazy or heavy lifting, but a mommys gotta do what a mommys gotta do, right? (especially when daddy sleeps through ANYTHING lol). Ah well... I'm hoping J can be talked into maybe easing back into spanking? We'll see!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
talking it out
Yesterday, while J was at work, we were sending texts back and forth to each other. I told him I couldn't wait for the six weeks to be up because I wanted spankings and love making. He agreed, and then added, "Well, I dont personally want to be spanked.." to which I replied that it was a good thing, because I didn't want to spank him, and asked if he wanted to spank me. He texted back: I miss it, I have to admit.
I couldn't help but smile. I have always thought that J only spanked me because it's what I wanted, and that he didn't see any real benefit for himself or us. It made me feel good to "hear" him say that he was missing it. The conversation rested there as J had work to finish and I didn't want to bother him as he was nearing the end of his shift. Today, however, I sent him a text asking, "Do you really miss the spankings? I doooo! What do you miss about them?" I was so curious as to what about them he enjoyed.
I miss the intimacy of them, he replied, bringing another smile to my face.
I felt my heart swell with happiness, and explained, "I always thought you just did it for me, and didn't really like or want to do it."
What he said next kinda stopped my heart. I do do it for you. The "punishment" stuff I'm not so sure of, but I like the good girl ones.
I felt crushed. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I felt like I was given a beautiful, shiny gift only to have it ripped away from me. Since the beginning of this, I've been insecure about it and felt guilty that J was doing it just for me, and not enjoying it himself. I'm not saying I enjoy punishments, but the results are beneficial to me, and I thought, to us. I wanted to just cry. I texted back a short, "ohh." and quickly put my phone aside, hoping he wouldn't press the issue.
My phone vibrated moments later, signalling a text.
Babyy.
Now the tears welled in my eyes, because I knew that I'd made him feel bad, and that wasn't what I'd meant to do at all. I just didn't know what else to say to what he'd told me. I was so delighted when he'd told me that he was missing spankings, that I assumed he meant all kinds, and it was disappointing to hear that he wasn't doing it for him too, but just for me.
He texted again before I could gather a response. I don't mean that I won't do it.
"I know." I wasn't trying to be harsh, I just didn't know what else to say. I was hurt.
Babe...please don't be mad at me :(
I explained that I wasn't mad, just that it had made me a little sad, to which he responded that he shouldn't have said anything at all. I told him that I liked talking about it, and that I wanted to know how he felt. Positive or negative. He told me he didn't like upsetting me, but I argued that I would rather know and I didn't want him to be pretending to like something, or just doing it for my sake. I asked if it was just punishment he didn't like, or maintenance too?
It's not that I dont like them, it's just hard for me still to make you cry.
As most of you know, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings or my needs, especially when it comes to ttwd. But here, I knew that I had to just open up and let it all out. I explained that the spankings that make me cry are the ones that make me feel closer to him. That letting myself be open and vulnerable enough to cry during a spanking and feeling safe enough to do so strengthened my trust in him, further cemented my feelings for him. I told him that while I do lovelovelove my good girl spankings, and that I dislike punishments and maintenance while they're happening, they're the ones that "reset" me and make me feel cared for and loved. After typing out my rather long response, I hesitated before pressing send, and when I finally did, I felt anxious and breathless while I waited for his answer.
After what felt like forever, all he said was I know baby.
GAH! "I'm sorry," I texted.
He didn't want me to be sorry. He told me that it's just the psychology of him hurting me, thats hard for him to get past. He promised that he understood how I felt, and why it works, but that it's still just hard for him.
And then it hit me. What a lucky girl I am. He cares for me so much that even though I ask him to, he finds it hard to "hurt" me. I realized how many men in the world would take the power and control that I willingly offer to J and abuse it, use it to their advantage and to make their women feel badly, and probably really hurt them. He cares so much for me that even though it makes him uncomfortable, and even though it's emotionally hard for him to do it, he spanks me because it's what I need. He graciously accepts the power and control I offer him and uses it sparingly, while taking my thoughts, feelings, and needs into consideration before doing anything.
I told him I was sorry that it was hard for him, and that sometimes I forget this doesn't come naturally to him. I told him that I appreciate that it's hard for him and that I realize that's a good thing! I told him how grateful I am that he's willing to still give me what I need even though it's hard for him.
The conversation ended there but I think this was an important breakthrough for us.
I couldn't help but smile. I have always thought that J only spanked me because it's what I wanted, and that he didn't see any real benefit for himself or us. It made me feel good to "hear" him say that he was missing it. The conversation rested there as J had work to finish and I didn't want to bother him as he was nearing the end of his shift. Today, however, I sent him a text asking, "Do you really miss the spankings? I doooo! What do you miss about them?" I was so curious as to what about them he enjoyed.
I miss the intimacy of them, he replied, bringing another smile to my face.
I felt my heart swell with happiness, and explained, "I always thought you just did it for me, and didn't really like or want to do it."
What he said next kinda stopped my heart. I do do it for you. The "punishment" stuff I'm not so sure of, but I like the good girl ones.
I felt crushed. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I felt like I was given a beautiful, shiny gift only to have it ripped away from me. Since the beginning of this, I've been insecure about it and felt guilty that J was doing it just for me, and not enjoying it himself. I'm not saying I enjoy punishments, but the results are beneficial to me, and I thought, to us. I wanted to just cry. I texted back a short, "ohh." and quickly put my phone aside, hoping he wouldn't press the issue.
My phone vibrated moments later, signalling a text.
Babyy.
Now the tears welled in my eyes, because I knew that I'd made him feel bad, and that wasn't what I'd meant to do at all. I just didn't know what else to say to what he'd told me. I was so delighted when he'd told me that he was missing spankings, that I assumed he meant all kinds, and it was disappointing to hear that he wasn't doing it for him too, but just for me.
He texted again before I could gather a response. I don't mean that I won't do it.
"I know." I wasn't trying to be harsh, I just didn't know what else to say. I was hurt.
Babe...please don't be mad at me :(
I explained that I wasn't mad, just that it had made me a little sad, to which he responded that he shouldn't have said anything at all. I told him that I liked talking about it, and that I wanted to know how he felt. Positive or negative. He told me he didn't like upsetting me, but I argued that I would rather know and I didn't want him to be pretending to like something, or just doing it for my sake. I asked if it was just punishment he didn't like, or maintenance too?
It's not that I dont like them, it's just hard for me still to make you cry.
As most of you know, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings or my needs, especially when it comes to ttwd. But here, I knew that I had to just open up and let it all out. I explained that the spankings that make me cry are the ones that make me feel closer to him. That letting myself be open and vulnerable enough to cry during a spanking and feeling safe enough to do so strengthened my trust in him, further cemented my feelings for him. I told him that while I do lovelovelove my good girl spankings, and that I dislike punishments and maintenance while they're happening, they're the ones that "reset" me and make me feel cared for and loved. After typing out my rather long response, I hesitated before pressing send, and when I finally did, I felt anxious and breathless while I waited for his answer.
After what felt like forever, all he said was I know baby.
GAH! "I'm sorry," I texted.
He didn't want me to be sorry. He told me that it's just the psychology of him hurting me, thats hard for him to get past. He promised that he understood how I felt, and why it works, but that it's still just hard for him.
And then it hit me. What a lucky girl I am. He cares for me so much that even though I ask him to, he finds it hard to "hurt" me. I realized how many men in the world would take the power and control that I willingly offer to J and abuse it, use it to their advantage and to make their women feel badly, and probably really hurt them. He cares so much for me that even though it makes him uncomfortable, and even though it's emotionally hard for him to do it, he spanks me because it's what I need. He graciously accepts the power and control I offer him and uses it sparingly, while taking my thoughts, feelings, and needs into consideration before doing anything.
I told him I was sorry that it was hard for him, and that sometimes I forget this doesn't come naturally to him. I told him that I appreciate that it's hard for him and that I realize that's a good thing! I told him how grateful I am that he's willing to still give me what I need even though it's hard for him.
The conversation ended there but I think this was an important breakthrough for us.
Monday, May 23, 2011
I'm still alive ...
I've been super busy with our prince lately, but I want everyone to know that I have been reading! I havent been able to comment much as I've been catching up on my iPhone while I breastfeed. I also wanted to update everyone and let you all know that baby Silas is doing WONDERFUL, and I'm healing up pretty well also. My incision is still a little sore, so I'm trying to take it easy, but J went back to work today so I'm hoping my strength comes back soon!
I am sooo missing spankings. I don't know what it is, but the other night, J was holding the baby and I was kneeling on the floor kissing the baby in J's lap. I looked up at my husband and all of a sudden was overwhelmed with the desire to be spanked. It was wierd. My hormones are raging and I'm crying at the drop of a hat, so I may just be looking for a pick-me-up or a reset. Every now and then walking by, J will pat my bottom and give me a smile. That made me cry the first time he did it, because I want to be spanked so badly! Sheesh. He held me, and promised me that soon, once I'm good and healed, I'll be spanked again. I know it's not going to be forever, but damn, it feels like it! It doesnt help that we cant have sex, either. I know we should both just be focusing on enjoying the baby, and of course, we are, but I can't help but miss the intimacy with J too. Ah well, soon enough!
Hope everyone else is doing well!
I am sooo missing spankings. I don't know what it is, but the other night, J was holding the baby and I was kneeling on the floor kissing the baby in J's lap. I looked up at my husband and all of a sudden was overwhelmed with the desire to be spanked. It was wierd. My hormones are raging and I'm crying at the drop of a hat, so I may just be looking for a pick-me-up or a reset. Every now and then walking by, J will pat my bottom and give me a smile. That made me cry the first time he did it, because I want to be spanked so badly! Sheesh. He held me, and promised me that soon, once I'm good and healed, I'll be spanked again. I know it's not going to be forever, but damn, it feels like it! It doesnt help that we cant have sex, either. I know we should both just be focusing on enjoying the baby, and of course, we are, but I can't help but miss the intimacy with J too. Ah well, soon enough!
Hope everyone else is doing well!
Friday, May 13, 2011
SOOOO in love!
Wednesday night, J gave me an "empowerment spanking" as he called it. It was a nice, warm hand spanking meant to get me in the right head space for the next days event. I was terrified about having a c-section, having to get a spinal, etc. I'm awful with needles so this was my worst nightmare. Anyway, it was sweet of him to think of me like that. It made me feel so good.
We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 am yesterday, registered, and got hooked up to the fetal monitor. Baby boy was doing great, very active still, and they explained to us the procedure. I got a little shaky when I was informed that J could not be with me while they administered the spinal but they assured me that right after, hed be coming in and things would be fine. Did not turn out to be the case. They tried inserting the spinal 5-6 times but couldn't find the right space. All I got was sharp, shooting pain in my right leg. So next they tried an epidural. That only numbed one half of my lower body. Finally they decided I would be put to sleep (first time ever). Neither J nor I witnessed our sons birth. It was nothing like we'd planned or hoped for but our prince is here and he's just amazing!
We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 am yesterday, registered, and got hooked up to the fetal monitor. Baby boy was doing great, very active still, and they explained to us the procedure. I got a little shaky when I was informed that J could not be with me while they administered the spinal but they assured me that right after, hed be coming in and things would be fine. Did not turn out to be the case. They tried inserting the spinal 5-6 times but couldn't find the right space. All I got was sharp, shooting pain in my right leg. So next they tried an epidural. That only numbed one half of my lower body. Finally they decided I would be put to sleep (first time ever). Neither J nor I witnessed our sons birth. It was nothing like we'd planned or hoped for but our prince is here and he's just amazing!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Today's the day!
The doctors have decided it's best to go ahead with a c-section bc baby boy is up to a whopping 10 lbs, and feel it's too dangerous for me to try to deliver naturally. At first I was terrified and very upset, but I realize that my doctor is only trying to do what's best for baby and me. This afternoon (just a few short hours!!!) I'll be holding my boy :)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Still baby-less ...
So, as much as J and I hoped, our little man did not make an appearance today. We did have a nice day, though. We had his parents over for lunch and just spent the day enjoying each other's company.
We had an appointment last Wednesday with a midwife at the practice I go to (my doctor was out for the week) and we also had an ultrasound to determine etimated size of the baby. According to the ultrasound, he is over 9 lbs! Of course, those things are not completely accurate, but it's a little frightening LOL. Anyway, the tech doing the scan seemed concerned that he's so big already and wanted to discuss with the midwife before letting us leave (the ultrasound was AFTER the appointment for some reason). So she went and talked to her, and the midwife suggested instead of coming back next Wednesday for our regularly scheduled appointment, we make one for Monday to see our own doctor immediately to discuss a plan of action. I'm assuming they're going to suggest induction, and I'm hoping they're going to set a date sometime during the coming week! Our anniversary is Friday, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they'll deliver him before then! My due date is Thursday, so it'd be kinda cool to have him that day. At any rate, we should know TOMORROW! I'm very excited :)
J and I spent the day together yesterday doing things for just us. We decided that since it was probably our last chance to do stuff by ourselves for a while, we'd have a date day/night. We went to lunch at my FAVORITE restaraunt, then got ice cream cones, and then we went to the movies. It was very sweet. We ended up going out with my dad and siblings for my sisters birthday dinner last night as well and by the time we got home, J was very tired and fell asleep before maintenance could be addressed. I have been promised one tonight :p
I hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day and weekend.
We had an appointment last Wednesday with a midwife at the practice I go to (my doctor was out for the week) and we also had an ultrasound to determine etimated size of the baby. According to the ultrasound, he is over 9 lbs! Of course, those things are not completely accurate, but it's a little frightening LOL. Anyway, the tech doing the scan seemed concerned that he's so big already and wanted to discuss with the midwife before letting us leave (the ultrasound was AFTER the appointment for some reason). So she went and talked to her, and the midwife suggested instead of coming back next Wednesday for our regularly scheduled appointment, we make one for Monday to see our own doctor immediately to discuss a plan of action. I'm assuming they're going to suggest induction, and I'm hoping they're going to set a date sometime during the coming week! Our anniversary is Friday, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they'll deliver him before then! My due date is Thursday, so it'd be kinda cool to have him that day. At any rate, we should know TOMORROW! I'm very excited :)
J and I spent the day together yesterday doing things for just us. We decided that since it was probably our last chance to do stuff by ourselves for a while, we'd have a date day/night. We went to lunch at my FAVORITE restaraunt, then got ice cream cones, and then we went to the movies. It was very sweet. We ended up going out with my dad and siblings for my sisters birthday dinner last night as well and by the time we got home, J was very tired and fell asleep before maintenance could be addressed. I have been promised one tonight :p
I hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day and weekend.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Little Fun
I have never been one to be shy about sex toys. I bought a vibrator when I was 17. I was waiting to have sex until I found someone worth giving my virginity to, but that didn't mean that I didn't have needs. My vibrator was good for fulfilling those needs. I have had to replace it a few times in the past few years, but I brought it with me when I moved in with J, and now we have fun with it together. I had honestly never considered buying a dildo, because I need outside stimulation to get off, and dildos kinda creeped me out!
However, when I was given the opportunity to review a product for Eden Fantasys, we chose a dildo. After reading Audra's post, we thought it could be fun to use together. It came in a VERY discreet package, which was great, because our roommate was actually the one who found the package on the doorstep after it arrived! I would have just died if he'd been able to tell what it was, but there was no way of telling.
The actual dildo that we received was the silicone crystal cote. I decided to try it out on my own before using it with J. I was honestly a little apprehensive about using it since sex lately has been incredibly painful (being 39 weeks preggy and all) but I had NOTHING to worry about! I obviously used a bunch of lube and it felt great! The dildo is ribbed and somewhat stiff but realistic feeling. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked it! It was just the right size, and it even looks neat! There's also a suction cup on the bottom that I didn't use, but could be super useful in the shower! ;)
If you haven't checked out the website for Eden Fantasys, you totally should! They have a wide selection of fun toys, including dildos, glass dildos, vibrators, and more kinky stuff!
However, when I was given the opportunity to review a product for Eden Fantasys, we chose a dildo. After reading Audra's post, we thought it could be fun to use together. It came in a VERY discreet package, which was great, because our roommate was actually the one who found the package on the doorstep after it arrived! I would have just died if he'd been able to tell what it was, but there was no way of telling.
If you haven't checked out the website for Eden Fantasys, you totally should! They have a wide selection of fun toys, including dildos, glass dildos, vibrators, and more kinky stuff!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
maintenance fulfilled
Maintenance finally happened. Today, before J went to work instead of last night. Last night I was having irregular contractions and we didn't want to mess with those so it was better to put it off til today.
It was a quick hand spanking (100 on each) and it didn't hurt too bad ;p .. nah, it wasn't bad at all. It stung a little, and I pouted afterward, but only playfully. It was nice, to be honest. It left me with that warm tingly feeling. I love being spanked before J goes to work. Something about it keeps me happy and upbeat while he's gone.
He'd wanted me to pick a card at first but I asked if he would please just use his hand. I can't handle implements right now. They all just hurt so bad, and I'm afraid that since I havent been spanked with one in quite a while, they would leave some sort of mark that would have to be explained to my doctor. No thanks!
Anyway, thought I'd pop in and update y'all. It's a beautiful day, so I'm off to take a nice, long, (probably SLOW) walk! Then it's back to eating pineapple on my bouncy ball :)
It was a quick hand spanking (100 on each) and it didn't hurt too bad ;p .. nah, it wasn't bad at all. It stung a little, and I pouted afterward, but only playfully. It was nice, to be honest. It left me with that warm tingly feeling. I love being spanked before J goes to work. Something about it keeps me happy and upbeat while he's gone.
He'd wanted me to pick a card at first but I asked if he would please just use his hand. I can't handle implements right now. They all just hurt so bad, and I'm afraid that since I havent been spanked with one in quite a while, they would leave some sort of mark that would have to be explained to my doctor. No thanks!
Anyway, thought I'd pop in and update y'all. It's a beautiful day, so I'm off to take a nice, long, (probably SLOW) walk! Then it's back to eating pineapple on my bouncy ball :)
Monday, May 2, 2011
No Baby Yet!
Thats right! He's holding tight in there. We'll be getting another growth scan on Wednesday to see how big he is. My sisters birthday is on Friday and she's hoping he'll share a birthday with her. I'm kind of hoping he doesnt have to share his birthday with anyone in the family! It would be kinda cool I guess, but, I also want him to have a day that's all his!
J stopped the daily spankings. He didn't say anything to me about it, but I think he was realizing that I didn't really need them anymore. Saturday night (maintenance day), we watched a movie on the couch and he ended up falling asleep. I had to wake him up to drag him to bed...so needless to say once we got to the bedroom, he was out like a light again. Sunday, while we made breakfast (strawberry banana belgian waffles - amazing by the way!), he patted my butt and apologized for falling asleep and missing maintenance, and promised me a spanking before bed. Well, wouldn't you know ... he fell asleep on the couch again! In his defense, he woke up really early Sunday morning, so he was tired. I again woke him up and we went to bed, and just before drifting back off to sleep, he told me we'd have a spanking today.
Now, this may shock some (or all!) of you, but I wasn't the least bit disappointed! For one, I knew that he was not intentionally blowing off the spankings or forgetting them, he was simply exhausted. Second, I am not thrilled at the idea of being spanked! Sure, it sounds nice, but when I start to think realistically, I know it's going to hurt! Yeah, yeah .. that's what I signed up for, I know ... but this past week, I just have not been in the mood. Not sure why. I know he's going to go easy, being so close to delivering and all, but I'll let you in on a secret, folks .. I'M A SUPER WIMP THESE DAYS! I am reeeeaaally sensitive. J gave me a love swat this morning and I actually jumped! Normally I'd be pushing my fanny out and waving it at him, begging for more but no, no .. not today! I covered my butt with both hands and high tailed to the living room where I promptly sat on the couch to avoid any more smacks. Sheesh. Sometimes I think about the spankings I got before I was preggy and I can't imagine taking half of that now! I hope I'm not such a wimp about spankings after the babys born or I'm gonna be in some deep doo doo!
Anyway, we had a nice weekend. J's cousin made his first communion on Sunday, so we got together with his family for a bit in the afternoon to celebrate, and I stuffed my face full of cookies and cake :p
My brother in law finally talked to J and tried to make peace (LONG and drama filled story, but to shorten it up a bit, sister in law is very immature and self centered and was alienating brother in law from his family and he just went along with it. She was treating everyone badly and he took her side and his family got fed up with it ... ). He apologized for the way sister in law treated everyone and explained that they want to have a good relationship with us and their parents, blah blah etc etc. Not sure I believe it after all thats been said and done in the past but I'm willing to put it all behind us if they are.
I hope everyone had a great weekend! Happy Monday :D
J stopped the daily spankings. He didn't say anything to me about it, but I think he was realizing that I didn't really need them anymore. Saturday night (maintenance day), we watched a movie on the couch and he ended up falling asleep. I had to wake him up to drag him to bed...so needless to say once we got to the bedroom, he was out like a light again. Sunday, while we made breakfast (strawberry banana belgian waffles - amazing by the way!), he patted my butt and apologized for falling asleep and missing maintenance, and promised me a spanking before bed. Well, wouldn't you know ... he fell asleep on the couch again! In his defense, he woke up really early Sunday morning, so he was tired. I again woke him up and we went to bed, and just before drifting back off to sleep, he told me we'd have a spanking today.
Now, this may shock some (or all!) of you, but I wasn't the least bit disappointed! For one, I knew that he was not intentionally blowing off the spankings or forgetting them, he was simply exhausted. Second, I am not thrilled at the idea of being spanked! Sure, it sounds nice, but when I start to think realistically, I know it's going to hurt! Yeah, yeah .. that's what I signed up for, I know ... but this past week, I just have not been in the mood. Not sure why. I know he's going to go easy, being so close to delivering and all, but I'll let you in on a secret, folks .. I'M A SUPER WIMP THESE DAYS! I am reeeeaaally sensitive. J gave me a love swat this morning and I actually jumped! Normally I'd be pushing my fanny out and waving it at him, begging for more but no, no .. not today! I covered my butt with both hands and high tailed to the living room where I promptly sat on the couch to avoid any more smacks. Sheesh. Sometimes I think about the spankings I got before I was preggy and I can't imagine taking half of that now! I hope I'm not such a wimp about spankings after the babys born or I'm gonna be in some deep doo doo!
Anyway, we had a nice weekend. J's cousin made his first communion on Sunday, so we got together with his family for a bit in the afternoon to celebrate, and I stuffed my face full of cookies and cake :p
My brother in law finally talked to J and tried to make peace (LONG and drama filled story, but to shorten it up a bit, sister in law is very immature and self centered and was alienating brother in law from his family and he just went along with it. She was treating everyone badly and he took her side and his family got fed up with it ... ). He apologized for the way sister in law treated everyone and explained that they want to have a good relationship with us and their parents, blah blah etc etc. Not sure I believe it after all thats been said and done in the past but I'm willing to put it all behind us if they are.
I hope everyone had a great weekend! Happy Monday :D
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