If you step up, I'll step up, too.

     I got myself into hot water this past weekend. I will tell you the story, and you might say that you've heard it before. You would be right. *Sigh* This has happened before.
     J was sitting across the room from me in the basement, and when I was moving to go upstairs, he told me that I had to come around the coffee table past him and not on the other side. He had a glimmer in his eye.
     I didn't want to outright disobey him, but I just knew if I walked by him, I was going to be subject to a few swats or a pinch or something. I moved to go around the outside of the table, but I moved slowly, and I watched his face carefully. "I dunno..."
     "Walk on this side."  he said more sternly.
     I shook my head, and kept moving in the same direction I was headed. I was still moving fairly slow.
     He narrowed his eyes at me, and I paused. "Walk past me." he demanded.
     I weighed my options quickly. I figured even if I was threatened a spanking, if I could get away quick enough, it probably wouldn't happen. I knew he wasn't going to follow me upstairs where our roommate and my sister were, and didn't think he'd remember later on. I found a bit of bravery somewhere, took a deep breath and said, "No." I moved quickly for the stairs but he closed in on me in no time.
     He grabbed me, pulled me in. He told me that later, I was going to face consequences for not coming to him. I tried to apologize, but he shook his head. He reminded me that he had first asked me to walk his way, then told me to, and then I said no. He said I was going to "get it good."
     Later, after we'd finished our second maintenance session for the weekend, he was giving me a couple of swats "for attitude" (or something) and I said, "Well, what was the last one for then?"
     "Because you've always got an attitude." he didn't mention the incident earlier.
     I wondered if he'd forgotten, or decided not to punish me for it? Maybe he'd included it in the maintenance spanking and just hadn't told me? I didn't want to nag him, so I didn't question him about it. You know me though, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Was he going to punish me, or wasn't he? I had thought 'finally he's going to step up and spank me for something thats important to him.' After thinking about it all day, I had come to the point where I'd realized my wrong doing, felt guilty about it, and wanted to wipe the slate clean. The next morning I told him he forgot something.
     After a few minutes of trying to get me to tell him, he guessed "you think I forgot what you did yesterday?"
     I made a face, and smiled a little.
     "I didn't forget. I asked you to walk by my side, then I told you to, and you didnt listen. Then you said no." he recalled, looking at me sternly.
     I squirmed, blushing under his firm glare. I looked away.
     "Didn't you?"
     "Yes sir."
     "What's up with that?" he asked.
     "Well ... you had a devious look in your eye! I was just trying to avoid whatever you were going to do to me!"
     "I dont care," he told me. "I told you to do something, and you're supposed to do it, devious look or not."
    Just then, yeah .. you guessed it! The baby started crying, looking to eat. So the conversation pretty much died there. A little bit later, the baby was napping and J and I were alone. I decided to bring it up again, to put my mind to rest.
     "Am I not in trouble for yesterday?" I asked.
     "What do you mean by that?"
     "Well, you said ... "
     J cut me off. "I said, 'later there'd be consequences'. I didn't say when later was." When he saw the disgruntled look on my face, he added, "Fine. I'll tell you this. You're going to get 20 hard smacks on each cheek for doing that. You just never know when."
     My heart sank. So I'd have to go around knowing that at any moment I could be spanked? Or worse, that he'd forget about it all together? I wish he'd have spanked me right when it happened! Or at least that day. I didn't want to have to wonder forever when and if I was going to be punished. "You can't do that."
     "I can do whatever I want," J said, "The reason you hate it, is the reason it's good."
     "No," I argued. "It's not fair!"
     "Why isn't it fair?" he wanted to know.
     I could name a million reasons, and they were all rushing through my mind. But for some reason, when I opened my mouth to tell him, I felt a sob rushing up to fall out instead, and snapped my mouth shut, covering my face with my hands. I didn't want to cry over this! Why couldn't I just tell him how I was feeling?
     "Baby, come on. Let's go upstairs." he suggested.  
      We went upstairs, and checked on the baby.
     After making sure he was still asleep, J took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
     I sat on the bed and watched as he walked to the drawer and opened it. I felt my heart beat a little faster when he pulled the oval hairbrush out.
     He pointed to the arm of the love seat and I bent over it. "I'm satisfying your need," he told me as he pulled my pants, then panties down. When he firmly put his hand on my lower back and pushed me down was when I started to get nervous.
     Oh crap. Why did I have to say anything in the first place?
     The swats were hard and fast. They hurt. I struggled to stay in place and even though it was only 20 on each, my butt was hot and stingy when it was over.
     He hugged me afterward, and I apologized. He made me tell him what I was sorry for, then accepted my apology.

     Today, out of nowhere, he told me to go with him to the bedroom. When I asked why, he told me I was going to be spanked. He told me it was a reminder, because he'd asked me to do something last night, and I'd forgotten. He brought me to the bedroom, and he used his belt on me.
     It hurt, but it was short lived, just enough to warm me up and remind me that task needed to be done tonight.
     We were back to laughing and joking together afterward. He told me to stand up on the edge of the bed and I did. This brings me closer to his height and it's easier for him to wrap me up in his arms when I'm up there.
     With my arms around his neck I said, "Baby .. I don't like your belt."
     He started to laugh. "What's the matter with it? Doesnt fit right? Should I get a new one?" He thinks he's funny.
     I havent done the task yet, but once the baby is down for the night, I'm going to for sure. I want him to see that I really am trying. I want him to know that I appreciate when he takes the time to correct me and let me know that he expects better behavior.
     I can feel J stepping up, in big and small ways. Now it's my turn to show him it's worth it to do so.

Even Though Summer's Ending

     Things are heating up around here. Friday, I was going to write a post about how down I've been. How lately, I've been feeling like I can't do anything right...like I'm a failure at the only things I'm supposed to be good at, being a mother and wife. I didn't get around to writing that day, and I'm glad I didn't.

     Saturday night, J and I had a talk, it was not about dd but about some things that have been going on in our life. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. He told me how he was feeling about the way I have been acting recently, and it was really an eye-opener. He was absolutely right about everything he said, and it was hard to hear it.
     I was wrong, that's for sure. I hadn't done these things intentionally to hurt him. I would never do anything to hurt him, on purpose. There was just a lot going on at once and I didnt know how to process everything at once. I shut him out. I was lonely, not having spent enough time with J. I started to feel like he didn't want to be around me, to spend time together. Once that happened, it was a lost cause. I started putting up walls to protect myself. I felt like I was on my own, and of course that scared me. I pushed him away. When he offered to help me with the baby, I told him I didn't need his help, I could do it myself. I was being stubborn, it was like I was trying to prove (to myself) that I could do it on my own. It was silly, but I didn't see that then. I cried while he told me how my actions had affected him, and he sounded pretty upset himself.
     He wiped my tears and told me he hadn't meant to make me cry.
     I knew that. I know that J loves me more than he loves himself, more than anything, except our son. He wants to protect me at all times, never wants to see me sad. My heart hurt...but it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have treated him the way that I did. I should have thought more about it, but I was selfish and only looked at it from my perspective. I thought about all of this as we sat in silence.
     When our roommate came into the basement where we were sitting, I excused myself to bed. J followed soon after. He got out the strap, and told me to roll over. I did. He didn't say anything the whole time, except to tell me to get my hands away or to roll back over.
     It was extremely intense. J told me after that he wasn't hitting me any harder than usual, and I do believe that. I was still emotionally raw from the talk we'd had only a short while before. I was feeling so guilty for what I'd done, so sorry that I'd disappointed him. He didn't say a word, and yet I felt punished. It hurt so bad, at times I really didn't think I could take it. I rolled away, positive I just couldn't do it. He wasnt phased, just told me to roll back over, firmly guided me back to where I need to be so he could strap me more. I thought it would never end. I sobbed, and he kept spanking. When it finally ended, and I was snuggled up in his arms, I felt so relieved. Even though he didnt say it, I felt like "maintenance" had more of a discipline tone to it. All the guilt I'd felt for hurting J, for acting the way I did, for being so stubborn, it all melted away. I felt so peaceful, like J and I were back on track again, together. The distance had been closed between us, effectively.
     "How's your butt feel?" he asked, sticking a hand down the back of my pants and squeezing my bum.
     "Ouch!" I squealed, giggling a little. "It's soreeee, does it feel hot?"
     "Nope," he murmured in my ear. "I think it needs something more."
     I felt alarmed. "What?!" I cried. "Like what..."
     His voice was gentle, but totally serious. "I'm thinking maybe the hairbrush."
     My heart nearly stopped. "Wait...really?"
     "Yep."
     "No." I said firmly, looking in his eyes. Only a moment after saying that, though, I re-evaluated. Yes, my bottom was hot and sore. BUT he is the one who's in charge. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay."
     "Okay what?"
     "If you want to give it to me," I whispered. "I'll take it."
     His deep laugh rumbled through the room. "Well, there's an open invitation if I ever heard one, I'll have to keep that one in mind." He didn't spank me again. Was he just looking to see if I would submit to it, even though I had already had more than I thought I could stand? I don't know.

     Sunday, I felt like a whole new woman. We had a great day together. We laughed, and played with each other too, not just the baby. We were all over each other every chance we got, touching, kissing, caressing, squeezing. Lots of fun, sexy, sporadic spankings happened throughout the day. J made it clear he planned to make love to me that night. It was a wonderful thing to day dream about to pass the time. We were watching tv together in the basement when J said it was time to go to bed. I put him off for a few minutes and he sat on the futon a few feet away. Finally, when I was ready to go to bed, I got up and started for the stairs, announcing I was going to bed.
     "No you're not," J told me.
     "Yes, I am. Come on," I urged him.
     "Come over here first."
     I shook my head, turning back for the stairs. "Come on! I'm going to bed,"
     He didn't move. Waited for me to turn around. Which, of course, I did. "Get over here, now!" he ordered, pointing to the spot on the floor in front of him.
     I stood there for a minute, contemplating turning and going up the stairs, but realized what I was doing and went to him. He held his arms out to me, and I sat beside him and leaned into his offered embrace. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should have come over right away."
     "Naughty," he said, shaking his head.
     "I'm sorry!"
     "You couldn't walk ten feet over to me? You just said, no." he sounded disappointed. He looked disappointed.
     "I know, I'm sorry baby." I said softly, looking into his eyes. "I should have come over."
     "Let's go," he sighed.
     We went upstairs, to bed, together.
     I walked into the room as he was undressing. I stood before him, running my finger tips over his bare skin while he took his clothes off. I couldn't take my eyes off him, couldn't get enough of feeling him.
     When he was down to his boxers, he grabbed me and pulled me against his body. He rubbed his hand between my legs, kissing me hard. Then, he roughly spun me around and bent me over at the waist, putting my hands on the bed. He spanked me for a couple minutes, hard enough so that I was dancing around and my bum was pretty warm.
     "Get on the bed." he ordered, pointing at the bed.
     "Yes sir!" I cried, happily obeying. I climbed onto the bed and looked up at him, my eyes sparkling, a smile on my lips.
     He laid me down, and kissed me tenderly. He undressed me, made me feel good. He laid back and let me make him feel good. Then we laid beside each other, slowly and gently touching, enjoying our bodies. We made each other feel good.
     Suddenly, "Roll over on your tummy."
     I did.
     He spanked me again, bare, and even though I was already a little sore, I felt so good that it just increased my pleasure. Then, he rolled me over again and we made love.
     It was amazing. It was hot.

     This morning, when the baby went down for his first nap, J dragged me off to the bedroom to make love again. It's like a spell has been put on us, ever since that big spanking on saturday.
     All this little episode in our lives proves to me is that maintenance is an extremely important part of the equation for us. When we went too long without a serious-toned spanking, I started to feel shaky. I panicked, tried to handle things on my own, and crashed and burned. We both ended up confused and hurt. Once that "reset" button was hit, things were easy between us again. We gravitate toward each other instead of repelling away. We cant keep our hands off each other, cant get enough. I havent hesitated to ask for his help, or to accept it graciously when it's offered. We are working together instead of for ourselves, and it feels really great.  Things are definitely heating up ;)

Ups and Downs

     I'll start with the ups. Friday night, J's mom came over to watch the baby so we could have a date night! It was awesome. J took me out to eat to one of my favorite restaurants, and then we went to see Our Idiot Brother, which ended up being pretty funny. Later we sat together in the basement talking, and I was developing a bit of an attitude. J raised an eyebrow and kinda playfully asked me why I was being so fresh .. I of course replied with a *ahem* polite response (not, try super sarcastic ... oops!) and he quickly grabbed me and pulled me over his lap. He gave me a dozen or so hard smacks and told me to stop being so sassy. When he let me up, I may or may not have pouted, just a little! ...and J pushed me back down and swatted me a few more times, hard. Apparently, making a pouty face counts as being "fresh". Who knew?
     J seems to be more drawn to my butt. Anytime he is around I can expect a pinch, grab or smack on the bum. He doesnt care if people are around, either .. the other day, he swatted me in front of his brother! I could have just dropped dead, and I felt like my face was blazing, but his brother didnt seem phased. I'm sure it came across as playful, but I was still embarassed! I like that he's enjoying that region more .. I love the attention!
     Now, the downs. Today is a sad day for me. I am remembering someone who was taken from us too soon. My mother would have been 44 today. I am like my mom in many ways, and as much as I cherish that, it frightens me too. I fear finding the disease that took her, in me. Sometimes I am afraid that I will die young, too. I get overwhelmed by this sometimes, especially on days like today, when I think of her more. It almost seems inevitable. I wonder if the things I do specifically to lower my risk of developing breast cancer will even make a difference. I worry that I would not be strong enough to stand up in the face of it, if it ever were to strike. I know it is silly and probably unhealthy to worry so obsessively over this, but sometimes I can't help it.
     We didn't have maintenance this past weekend. Saturday, J had a few drinks at dinner at my father's. It turned out he had one too many and he wasn't feeling well, so he laid down and fell asleep. I wasn't bothered, really .. a little uneasy, because I really need my maintenance spankings, but I was tired and fell asleep quickly after laying down with him. Sunday, J told me in the morning that I was getting a spanking that night. He apologized for falling asleep, which was sweet. There was a short, quick spanking Sunday during the day. It was playful and the tone was light. Sunday night, I came out of the baby's room after putting him to bed and found J snoring on the couch. I woke him up and we went to bed. He fell back to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. This morning, when he woke up he said, "When (the baby) takes a nap, you're going to get your spanking." I just shook my head. "No." I waited. The first time the baby fell asleep, I sat around waiting for him to tell me to go to the bedroom. I wondered if he would get the implement, or if he would ask me to. I thought about how I'd moved and hidden the strap and hairbrush, and what his reaction would be if he asked me to get either of those implements. I went to the room and put them back in the drawer where they belong as soon as I was able to go without J noticing. He didn't tell me to go. The second time the baby fell asleep, I wondered while I watched the minutes go by if he was going to do this at all. I wanted to just say 'hey lets go do maintenance?' I didn't say anything, though. I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him, and honestly, I didn't want to ask. That just ruins it. I wanted it to be on his terms. When the baby woke up from his second nap, I started to feel a little panicky. I didn't think that he would even sleep again before J had to go, but he did fall asleep about a half hour before J was supposed to leave. I went and laid down in the bedroom, curled up beneath the covers 10 min later. J came in to change into his work clothes, and saw me laying on the bed. I'm not sure if I wasn't in there if he even would have done this, but he got the five fingered strap from the drawer and came over to where I was laying. I was mad. I didn't even want him to spank me, now! He had to leave soon, there wasn't possibly enough time ... "NO!" I said, when he told me to roll over.
     His eyes softened. "Come on, babe. Roll over..."
     "I don't want one!" I said stubbornly.
     "I have to spank you a little bit, roll over."
     I shook my head. "Uh-uh."
     "Please don't make me roll you over..." he said quietly.
     I stared at him, my expression stony.
     "Babe, you're not supposed to resist or object." J reminded me, narrowing his eyes.
     Sighing, I rolled over and put my face in the pillow. I was determined not to make a sound, not to let him in. I made it through the first ten or so swats before I cried out.
     He gave me probably 30 swats in all, and then it was over. He laid down next to me in bed and held me, but I didn't feel better.
      I felt like spanking me was some kind of horrible chore, something that had to be done but he didnt really want to. I felt like it was put off and put off until it couldnt be anymore, and then rushed through. I was looking forward to the release that maintenance usually provides, I needed to be able to be shed all my protective layers and be vulnerable, open. This spanking was not that.
     There could be more. Maybe, that was to hold me over until he can take care of it fully. I know I should just trust him, accept the decisions he makes, even when it's not what I think I need. I'm working on that.
     I recently noticed that there is a feature on blogger that allows you to add emails to a list, and then when you post an entry, it emails a link to it to the people on the list. I told J about this feature, and asked if he would like me to add him to the list, or did he prefer to look on his own? I asked because I hoped he would say yes, add him .. I know he hardly reads here because I always ask if he's read recently, and he always says no. But, he said that he'd prefer to look on his own (translation:not at all). It hurt my feelings at first, that he doesnt want to read what I write but now I'm choosing to look at it differently. If I thought he was reading here regularly, maybe I wouldn't share all the things I do. I wouldn't explore different aspects of my feelings for fear of what he would think. If he did something I really liked, I would wonder if he'd acted of his own accord, or in response to something I'd posted about wanting. So, maybe it's good he's not always looking.

     Today was J's first day on second shift. It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, except I waited up for him to get home, and now I'm exhausted. Good night everyone. Thanks for letting me rant.

Sitting Tenderly

     I'm not sure if he's been reading here again. It almost seems that way, because it's like he's inside my head. I feel so in sync and connected with him, it's pretty amazing.
     Last night was maintenance, and it was definitely not the experience I was expecting at all. It was extremely intense, painful, and it was exactly what I needed. J somehow knew just what to do. He originally told me he wanted me "butt in the air" again, but agreed when I asked if I could please lie over a pillow. Thankfully, because I could not have taken that spanking in that position.
     There was no warm up. He used the strap. It was long, and hard. It took a lot to break through the big, strong walls I'd built up around my extreme emotions. He did start over my pants, but they didn't stay up long...neither did my panties.
     I had a little problem with keeping my hands away from my backside. I really did try, but it hurt so darn bad!
     The first time my hand went back, J ordered me to take it away, then delivered two hard whacks to my backside. "For putting your hands back," he said and returned to task. This might have happened another time after that, too. *sigh* He switched to the hair brush a short time later. On my already so sore bottom, it hurt. A lot! Those pesky hands, well, they found their way back again. I think I even said, "please!"
     "Move them." he said firmly.
     My stomach flip flopped as I quickly thought about my choices. I desperately wanted to protect my backside from any more attention, however, I wanted to do what J said. As he was repeating his demand for me to move my hands, I slowly pulled them away from my butt.
     Two more fast, hard swats fell, then his deep voice spoke sternly. "The reason I punish you more when  you put your hands back is beacuse you could get hurt if I accidentally hit your hand."
     Believe it or not (yes, you might call me crazy) my heart soared when he said those words to me. Part of that big, strong wall crumbled. What I heard was he was punishing me because he cared. He didn't want me to be hurt. I didn't put my hands back again the entire spanking, even though at times it felt like I couldn't stop myself...but I did. I felt myself let go a little, and I finally stopped resisting the spanking and just absorbed the swats, accepted the pain. When that big, strong wall I'd built finally fell down, all the emotions I'd buried behind it came flowing out. It was relieving, a weight lifted from my shoulders. It felt good to let it all go. I sobbed. Even after the spanking ended and J held me tight in his arms, kissing me and comforting me, I could not stop crying. I had so much intense emotion that I'd pushed aside because I dont know how to deal with it.
     He helped me deal with it. He reminded me that he was there, a strong force in my life. He showed me that I could be vulnerable with him and show him my feelings and that he would protect me, and make me feel loved. He did this all, just by spanking me.

     I think this was my hardest spanking to date. Usually, an hour or so after being spanked, you wouldnt even be able to tell I was spanked at all. Not last night. I could definitely feel it hours later. I didn't even go to the bathroom to look at my bum, which I usually do, too. I didn't want to see. This morning, and well into the day, I felt it every time I sat down. It wasn't pleasant, but I liked it. Weird? Maybe. But its true.
     He gave me a few solid swats "just to warm me up," and just a few made my butt burn like crazy!
     OMG. I have never experienced anything like this before! I have never ever EVER been sore the next day. Tender (if spanked again) maybe, but not sore like I could feel it without it even being touched. People, if this man ever decides he's going to start holding me accountable and really punishing me for things ... I'm in some serious trouble. OUUUUUCCHH. Having said all of that, I am so thankful that J was able to read me, and gave me exactly what I needed, even though it was hard on both of us. He is such an amazing, wonderful man and I really am so lucky that I am his.

little update

     Saturday, we went to a family reunion at J's grandma's house. J got to see some family that he hasn't seen in a very long time, and I got to meet a bunch of new people! My nephew was with us, and he had a blast meeting and playing with cousins he didn't even know he had. It was awesome watching him enjoy himself so much.
     When we finally got home Saturday night, J told me he was making himself a sandwich, and asked would I like one? I told him no thank you.
     "What did you eat today?" he asked. I hesitated just for a moment and he said, "You didn't eat sh*t today, you're going to have a sandwich. You have to eat,"
     I sighed. "But .. I was thinking of having some ice cream!" For the record, I had eaten fruit for breakfast, and a turkey sandwich and more fruit for lunch at the reception. I thought I'd done a pretty good job, and was just gonna skip dinner and have ice cream :)
     He looked at me, and shook his head. "Ice cream? I'm overriding that decision. You're having a sandwich. Sorry. Do want pastrami on yours? Mustard and mayo?"
     I thought for one second about arguing with him, then reeled myself in. I had to remind myself that I had to let him do this, because this is what I'd asked him to do. This was an act of dominance, he was stepping in where he saw me making a less than stellar decision and turning me in the right direction. Now, it was my job to submit. So I did. I let him make me a sandwich, I thanked him for it, and the smile on my face was genuine.
     Later, he gave me a spanking with the hairbrush. It lasted a while, and my bottom definitely was stinging pretty good by the time he finished. I wasn't crying, or close to tears, but thats a rarity these days anyway. He then told me that there would be an additional session the next day, and that he was only stopping because he was tired and sore.
    
     I was excited that he remembered maintenance on his own on Saturday. I havent been pushing the subject at all, even though spanking is pretty much always on my mind. Ugh! It's hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I know he has to do this his own way. The spanking I was supposed to get yesterday has been post-poned until today, because J was tired and falling asleep by the time we went to bed. Today, he's not feeling too great, so I wouldn't be surprised if it doesnt happen today either. (Though I really hope it does! I hate having to wait, and I hate even more not knowing whats going to happen!)
    

Interrupted.

     Yesterday, overall, was a pretty great day. My aunt and uncle are in town from Illinois and I havent seen them in over a year. We spent the day with them and some other family.
     While we were gone, our roommate had a cookout with some friends. When we got home at 830, we walked into a loud house and a kitchen full of intoxicated people. One girl in particular was especially drunk. I was a little pissed, yes, but it is his house, so there wasn't much I could say. I just reminded myself that soon enough we will be out of here and just our little family. Anyway, while I was in the living room with the baby, apparently the drunk girl was wrestling with her sisters boyfriend (yes, this is real life ... what the heck?) and she turned to look at my husband and says, "I want you to slap my ass."
     I, of course, was completely unaware of this until after she'd left. Thankfully, everyone left pretty soon after we arrived home. When J told that she'd said this to him, though, I was shocked! Who says something like that to a man who just arrived home with his wife and two month old baby?! It wasnt like she didnt know, either, I had met her once before when she went to a hockey game with our roommate. I wish I was in the room when she said it. Where do you get off asking a married man to touch your behind? IN THE PRESENCE of his wife and child? Can you believe the nerve?! Some people, I tell ya.

     Anyway, once the circus ended, we went to bed. Saturday is maintenance and I was really needing a hard spanking. I have had many spankings in the past week but I've kinda sorta been craving the spanking that breaks you down to your natural, vulnerable self. The spanking I got started off a little slow. He warmed me up with the strap but picked up the pace pretty quickly. Before I knew it, he was strapping me pretty hard and I was bucking around, begging for a break. It seemed like he would never stop, but finally he did, granting me a break. I lay still trying to catch my breath. After a few moments he started up again, burning my butt with that awful piece of leather. Then, he stopped, and put the strap up. He rubbed my hott tush and squeezed the fleshy part of my bottom. This was starting to feel not so much like maintenance and very much like a good girl spanking. MMM. Fine with me. His fingers roamed and his hands kneaded and rubbed, while I squirmed beneath his delicious touch. And then, baby cries. Meh. So I got up and rocked him back to sleep, then rejoined J in bed. I laid over the pillow and he spanked my sit spot, and rubbing, letting his fingers explore. He laid gentle, sensual spanks on my hot butt and I was getting so turned on. I couldn't tell if this was maintenance still or if he was turning this into a more fun occasion. His big hand fell again and again on my panties, warming me up in more places than just my panties. He was spanking kinda hard and I just pushed my bottom up and out, raising up to meet his hand. Overwhelmed with my desire, I found myself murmuring, "Sir,"
     "What, baby?"
     "Take them down," I breathed raggedly.
     "I will do what I want," he purred in my ear, giving me a few hard whacks. "I can keep them up and spank you and you tease you if I want to." when all I offered in reply was a moan, he asked, "Cant I?"
     "Yes sir," I panted. I was feeling so good.
     After a minute or so of hard spanks, J did take my panties down and continued spanking on my bare, fiery butt. He had me get up and lay over his lap. Once there, he pushed my legs apart and spanked some more on my sit spot and upper thighs, taking time to visit more pleasant areas. I was sooo turned on and wanted him so bad, and then ... the baby woke up, this time ready to eat.

     Bummer.

     By the time I had fed the baby and put him back down, J had fallen fast asleep. Double bummer.
     J told me earlier if I play my cards right today, I just might get spanked again tonight.
     I am going to do my very best to insure that happens. I have a feeling J was just as disappointed that our fun was interrupted last night, which ups my chances of having a repeat performance tonight. Keep your fingers crossed for me! :D

Vacation

    Yesterday we returned from a week long trip to Cape Cod. J's family has been doing this for years, and this was my third year. It was nice to have an entire week with J, and we were constantly showing each other how much we appreciated being together 24/7. There were lots of discreet sexy moments, playful spankings, and even maintenance. We brought the pink 4 rod cane and the dogging bat. Since we arrived on Saturday, and that's when we usually do maintenance, we got a chance to use them the first night. He gave me a few with the dogging bat but he realized quickly it was too loud with his mother sleeping on the other side of the wall. He gave me the rest of my spanking with the cane, then put them back in the drawer where they'd been stashed in our room. We cuddled and talked for a while before falling asleep together. The baby slept pretty good most nights.
    There even were a few public spankings! Oh man, it was so embarassing .. and thrilling! I was following behind J in the parking lot at Ocean State Job Lot and swatting his butt playfully. Glancing over his shoulder, he told me to stop. I was feeling feisty, and I swatted him again. He quickly grabbed me and sort of tucked me under his arm and smacked my butt twice. I thought I was going to have a heart attack! There were three people two rows in front of us! I know they didnt see, but still! I have no idea if there was anyone behind us in cars or anything. I told J later that I hope if anyone did see us, that it made their day, because if I had been the one to witness something like that, it would certainly make mine! One night, J's mom watched the baby for us while we took a walk down to the beach. We went to a couple different ones, and at the last one we went to, J had me put my hands on the railing and he gave me a few spanks with a group of teenagers sitting not too far away behind a shack. Just the possibility of someone seeing (though I know J would never do that to me) was absolutely exhilarating! I was horrified, but at the same time, loved every minute. It really was a great week! We were able to have a date night and get dinner by ourselves, and J's mom watched the baby for us. Things have been so hectic lately with the baby that we havent been able to enjoy each other's company as much as we would like and it was great to catch up a little on that this week.
     Last night we had maintenance again. I had put the baby to sleep, and sat down beside J at the end of the bed. We sat there a few moments before he got up and took his shirt off. Then, he unbuckled his belt and slid it through it's loops. I stared at him as I always do when he takes his belt off like that, but then, he folded it and pointed it at the love seat.
    I got up and started to climb up on the love seat, and he stopped me.
    "No, over here." he pointed to the end of it.
    I went to where he stood and bent myself over the piled up towels and blankets from vacation. I felt him tug my pants down, and then my panties. For some reason, I still wasn't expecting what came next.
    He used his belt on me! He has given me maybe three swats with his belt total, EVER, and they were all very playful and gentle. He has never used it for maintenance or punishment.
    OH.MY.GOD.
    I can tell you this. I dont want to meet up with that belt (or any other) ever again. ouch.
    He used his hand some, too. Hard. (I thought it was hard. This morning when I told him he spanked me hard with his hand last night he informed me they were "mediocre" and offered to demonstrate what hard ones would be like. I declined very politely.) He was very firm yet loving throughout the whole thing.
    I was having a hard time keeping my hands where they belonged. I tried time and time again to protect myself.
   After my hand strayed back a third time, J pushed it away and told me for every time I put my hand back, I'd get another ten on each cheek.
    I believed him, and I wasn't even trying to test him! But, my hand came back at least twice after I was warned.
    J, true to his word, counted out ten straight on each cheek before returning to slapping all over my bottom, each time it happened. After he finished, he got up and got some lotion and rubbed it on my sore, hot flesh. He spanked while he rubbed it in.
    By the time I was allowed up and gathered into his arms, I was feeling very submissive and turned on. I started to show J how much I approved of my spanking, and we wound up making love. It was the perfect way to close out a week away.

    Unfortunately, we eventually realized that the dogging bat and the cane were forgotten at the vacation rental house in the drawer! Oh man, wish I could be a fly on the wall when the next renters come in and discover them? Wonder if we'll have caused / inspired a spanking? I kinda hope so ;)

I really need to get more creative with my titles

     Before the baby was born, J and I used to shower together. We did this most every day, and I cherished the intimate alone time together. Now that our little one is here, obviously this does not happen anymore. Friday night, however, when J got home from work, the baby was sleeping and I finally felt comfortable enough leaving the baby alone for 20 minutes while we showered. It was wonderful. Nothing scandalous happened, but it was great having a few minutes for ourselves. Before he left the bathroom, he asked me to take the trash out of there and put it in the big bag in the kitchen. I said that I would, but by the time I'd toweled off, dried my hair, and dressed, I completely forgot.
     I was sitting on the couch after putting the baby in his swing, when J came out of the bathroom and caught my eye.
     "Why is there still a full trash in the bathroom?" he wanted to know, sitting down beside me.
    I immediately felt my face flush. Why does that always happen when he asks me things like this? "I forgot, I'm sorry..."
     "You forgot?" he asked.
      I nodded.
     "That's okay, do you know why?" he asked, turning to look at me with a gleam in his eye.
     Saturday. Maintenance! Eeep! "No," I whined, flopping down on the couch and resting my head in his lap.
     "No, you don't know why?" he pushed.
     I don't want a harder spanking, I whined to myself. I shook my head, not daring to speak a word. I didn't want to hear them aloud.
     He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Because I love you," he whispered.
    "I love you too!" I cooed, kissing him back. Then, I jumped up and high-tailed it to the bathroom to change the trash bag. Crisis averted.

     Later on that night, we lay together in our bed. The light was still on, and J asked me to get up and turn it off. I pouted and told him that I thought he should do it. We were laying close, and he reached his arm around me, and slid it down the back of my pants.
     "Go turn it off," he murmured.
     "Noo," I whined. "You do it, you're closer!"
     Suddenly, he started pinching me all over my bottom. Small, stinging pinches covered my sensitive skin.
     "Hey! No pinching,"
     "That's your punishment for telling me no," he grinned evilly.
     I was a little taken aback by this, as we have never talked about using other forms of punishment, and I certainly hadn't expected him to come out with something like that. I tried to hold out as long as I could, determined not to give in and turn the light off. After about a minute, though, I wriggled free and jumped up to turn the light off. By the time I got back in bed, J was practically passed out. Ugh.

     Sunday, J didn't apologize for falling asleep, but told me that I was in for a big spanking Sunday night. Momentarily, a sassy comment spun through my mind but I decided not to push my luck.
     As it turned out, J fell asleep on the couch before we'd even gone to bed. Disappointing as it was, I couldn't hold him at fault since he'd had such a busy FIRST FATHER'S DAY! He is such a wonderful father, as I always imagined he'd be. Our son is such a lucky boy to have a father that is so dedicated to his family.
     Even though I understood his fatigue, I still felt neglected. I'd been really needing my maintenance spanking, and now it'd been two days in a row it had been pushed off. I planned on telling J that I just didn't even want it anymore because I was sick of waiting for it, and it never coming. But when J told me he hadn't forgotten and that he'd just been tired, I had nothing to say. My mouth clamped shut and I couldn't open it for the life of me. I withdrew into myself, becoming upset, feeling like I wasn't important. That's two nights in a ROW he was too tired for me, I thought.
     He came and snuggled next to me, whispering in my ear. "Are you okay?"
     "Yup." I replied.
     "What's the matter?"
     I shook my head, signalling I didn't want to talk about it.
      "Do you want to go in the room for a spanking?" his voice was velvety, so tempting ...
     "NO!" I pouted. Duh, yes you do! I was really kicking myself for that, but oh well, nothing I could do now!
     He tried and tried some more to figure out why I was so down. "Stressed?" I nodded yes. "Sad?" I nodded yes again. He sat beside me for a while, holding me, until finally he said, "Okay, get up and go into the room."
     I wanted to argue, but I knew that I really did need the spanking. The only reason I'd said no before was because he was supposed to give me one anyway, and once you ask me if I want one, it changes the whole feeling for me. I didn't want to have one because I wanted one, I wanted one because I needed one, and that is hard for me to admit sometimes. I followed him into the bedroom and sat on the bed.
    He laid down on his side of the bed, and murmured, "Come here, I want to hold you."
    I rolled over to him and he held me tight in his arms.
    "I love you so much," he told me. After holding me for a bit and kissing my head, he reached behind him and grabbed the dogging bat. With me still in his arms, he swatted my bottom a few times before letting me roll over onto my tummy so he could have free range. He peppered my bottom with the bat. It stung, so he must have been using it pretty hard since it's usually an implement that feels good. Before I knew it, though, he'd picked up the black strap and started using that just as liberally on my behind. YEOWTCH! He went for about a minute before pausing and saying, "Okay, you're going to get 100," and starting right in. 100 swats on both sides.
     I wiggled, and cried out, but did not cry.
     He set the strap down and pulled me into his arms. "I love you," he whispered. "Are you okay?"
     I nodded, but felt disconnected.
    "Do you need more?" he asked.
    I nodded again, embarassed.
     "Okay, roll over."
     Back to my tummy I went. The strap fell again and again, and he announced I'd be getting another 100 on each. I tolerated that pretty well, though my bottom was on FIRE. Then, I felt him pull my pants down, and the cool air blew across my naked, hot skin. Goosebumps rose over my body.
     He hand spanked me for a bit, which surprisingly, hurt more than the strap today. After a minute or so of hand spanking, he decided another 50 on each with the strap was in order, and boy, did he deliver.
     I really hate being strapped on my bare butt. I really hate it. Still, no tears. But my backside was blazing and after a couple more hand swats, J started massaging my bottom and kissing the side of my head. I felt so loved and taken care of once it was finished.

     I can't say enough how lucky I am to have J. He is really stepping up. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in his position. We are both going through a huge transition and on top of that, he has to figure out how to help me stay above water. He is an amazing, wonderful man, husband and father. It melts my heart to see him holding our tiny (hahahaha well, tiny in J's arms) baby and whispering and talking to him. I'm so grateful to have a man who is so dedicated and outwardly loving of his family.


Baby update!! the "little" prince is now 12 lbs 4 oz and 23.5 in at five weeks! He's growing like a weed :)

talking it out

    Yesterday, while J was at work, we were sending texts back and forth to each other. I told him I couldn't wait for the six weeks to be up because I wanted spankings and love making. He agreed, and then added, "Well, I dont personally want to be spanked.." to which I replied that it was a good thing, because I didn't want to spank him, and asked if he wanted to spank me. He texted back: I miss it, I have to admit.
    I couldn't help but smile. I have always thought that J only spanked me because it's what I wanted, and that he didn't see any real benefit for himself or us. It made me feel good to "hear" him say that he was missing it. The conversation rested there as J had work to finish and I didn't want to bother him as he was nearing the end of his shift. Today, however, I sent him a text asking, "Do you really miss the spankings? I doooo! What do you miss about them?" I was so curious as to what about them he enjoyed.
    I miss the intimacy of them, he replied, bringing another smile to my face.
    I felt my heart swell with happiness, and explained, "I always thought you just did it for me, and didn't really like or want to do it."
    What he said next kinda stopped my heart. I do do it for you. The "punishment" stuff I'm not so sure of, but I like the good girl ones.
    I felt crushed. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I felt like I was given a beautiful, shiny gift only to have it ripped away from me. Since the beginning of this, I've been insecure about it and felt guilty that J was doing it just for me, and not enjoying it himself. I'm not saying I enjoy punishments, but the results are beneficial to me, and I thought, to us. I wanted to just cry. I texted back a short, "ohh." and quickly put my phone aside, hoping he wouldn't press the issue.
    My phone vibrated moments later, signalling a text.
    Babyy.
    Now the tears welled in my eyes, because I knew that I'd made him feel bad, and that wasn't what I'd meant to do at all. I just didn't know what else to say to what he'd told me. I was so delighted when he'd told me that he was missing spankings, that I assumed he meant all kinds, and it was disappointing to hear that he wasn't doing it for him too, but just for me.
    He texted again before I could gather a response. I don't mean that I won't do it.
    "I know." I wasn't trying to be harsh, I just didn't know what else to say. I was hurt.
    Babe...please don't be mad at me :(
    I explained that I wasn't mad, just that it had made me a little sad, to which he responded that he shouldn't have said anything at all. I told him that I liked talking about it, and that I wanted to know how he felt. Positive or negative. He told me he didn't like upsetting me, but I argued that I would rather know and I didn't want him to be pretending to like something, or just doing it for my sake. I asked if it was just punishment he didn't like, or maintenance too?
    It's not that I dont like them, it's just hard for me still to make you cry.
    As most of you know, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings or my needs, especially when it comes to ttwd. But here, I knew that I had to just open up and let it all out. I explained that the spankings that make me cry are the ones that make me feel closer to him. That letting myself be open and vulnerable enough to cry during a spanking and feeling safe enough to do so strengthened my trust in him, further cemented my feelings for him. I told him that while I do lovelovelove my good girl spankings, and that I dislike punishments and maintenance while they're happening, they're the ones that "reset" me and make me feel cared for and loved. After typing out my rather long response, I hesitated before pressing send, and when I finally did, I felt anxious and breathless while I waited for his answer.
    After what felt like forever, all he said was I know baby.
    GAH! "I'm sorry," I texted.
    He didn't want me to be sorry. He told me that it's just the psychology of him hurting me, thats hard for him to get past. He promised that he understood how I felt, and why it works, but that it's still just hard for him.
    And then it hit me. What a lucky girl I am. He cares for me so much that even though I ask him to, he finds it hard to "hurt" me. I realized how many men in the world would take the power and control that I willingly offer to J and abuse it, use it to their advantage and to make their women feel badly, and probably really hurt them. He cares so much for me that even though it makes him uncomfortable, and even though it's emotionally hard for him to do it, he spanks me because it's what I need. He graciously accepts the power and control I offer him and uses it sparingly, while taking my thoughts, feelings, and needs into consideration before doing anything.
    I told him I was sorry that it was hard for him, and that sometimes I forget this doesn't come naturally to him. I told him that I appreciate that it's hard for him and that I realize that's a good thing! I told him how grateful I am that he's willing to still give me what I need even though it's hard for him.

    The conversation ended there but I think this was an important breakthrough for us.

maintenance fulfilled

    Maintenance finally happened. Today, before J went to work instead of last night. Last night I was having irregular contractions and we didn't want to mess with those so it was better to put it off til today.
    It was a quick hand spanking (100 on each) and it didn't hurt too bad ;p .. nah, it wasn't bad at all. It stung a little, and I pouted afterward, but only playfully. It was nice, to be honest. It left me with that warm tingly feeling. I love being spanked before J goes to work. Something about it keeps me happy and upbeat while he's gone.
    He'd wanted me to pick a card at first but I asked if he would please just use his hand. I can't handle implements right now. They all just hurt so bad, and I'm afraid that since I havent been spanked with one in quite a while, they would leave some sort of mark that would have to be explained to my doctor. No thanks!

    Anyway, thought I'd pop in and update y'all. It's a beautiful day, so I'm off to take a nice, long, (probably SLOW) walk! Then it's back to eating pineapple on my bouncy ball :)

No Baby Yet!

    Thats right! He's holding tight in there. We'll be getting another growth scan on Wednesday to see how big he is. My sisters birthday is on Friday and she's hoping he'll share a birthday with her. I'm kind of hoping he doesnt have to share his birthday with anyone in the family! It would be kinda cool I guess, but, I also want him to have a day that's all his!

    J stopped the daily spankings. He didn't say anything to me about it, but I think he was realizing that I didn't really need them anymore. Saturday night (maintenance day), we watched a movie on the couch and he ended up falling asleep. I had to wake him up to drag him to bed...so needless to say once we got to the bedroom, he was out like a light again. Sunday, while we made breakfast (strawberry banana belgian waffles - amazing by the way!), he patted my butt and apologized for falling asleep and missing maintenance, and promised me a spanking before bed. Well, wouldn't you know ... he fell asleep on the couch again! In his defense, he woke up really early Sunday morning, so he was tired. I again woke him up and we went to bed, and just before drifting back off to sleep, he told me we'd have a spanking today.
    Now, this may shock some (or all!) of you, but I wasn't the least bit disappointed! For one, I knew that he was not intentionally blowing off the spankings or forgetting them, he was simply exhausted. Second, I am not thrilled at the idea of being spanked! Sure, it sounds nice, but when I start to think realistically, I know it's going to hurt! Yeah, yeah .. that's what I signed up for, I know ... but this past week, I just have not been in the mood. Not sure why. I know he's going to go easy, being so close to delivering and all, but I'll let you in on a secret, folks .. I'M A SUPER WIMP THESE DAYS! I am reeeeaaally sensitive. J gave me a love swat this morning and I actually jumped! Normally I'd be pushing my fanny out and waving it at him, begging for more but no, no .. not today! I covered my butt with both hands and high tailed to the living room where I promptly sat on the couch to avoid any more smacks. Sheesh. Sometimes I think about the spankings I got before I was preggy and I can't imagine taking half of that now! I hope I'm not such a wimp about spankings after the babys born or I'm gonna be in some deep doo doo!

    Anyway, we had a nice weekend. J's cousin made his first communion on Sunday, so we got together with his family for a bit in the afternoon to celebrate, and I stuffed my face full of cookies and cake :p
    My brother in law finally talked to J and tried to make peace (LONG and drama filled story, but to shorten it up a bit, sister in law is very immature and self centered and was alienating brother in law from his family and he just went along with it. She was treating everyone badly and he took her side and his family got fed up with it ... ). He apologized for the way sister in law treated everyone and  explained that they want to have a good relationship with us and their parents, blah blah etc etc. Not sure I believe it after all thats been said and done in the past but I'm willing to put it all behind us if they are. 

    I hope everyone had a great weekend! Happy Monday :D

Progress ...

    First, and most exciting, J is working days this week :) I love when he works first shift! AND, he had a holiday Monday, has the day off tomorrow for an ultrasound, and has a holiday Friday. So he only has to work two days, and the other three are still paid! Woo hoo! Gotta love a week like this.
    That being said, last night was kind of a rough one. I did not get my daily spanking yesterday. I thought he'd give it to me first thing when we woke up, but it didn't happen. Then, I started thinking that maybe he was waiting unil later when we'd have the house to ourselves, since he wasn't working, what was the rush? Nothing all day, either. Not even a hint. We went to dinner, came home, still nothing. By the time bedtime rolled around, I'd pretty much figured he'd forgotten. Despite the fact that my butt was still tender from Sunday night's spanking and I really didn't want one, I was still hurt. I started to feel like the spankings, and I, just didn't matter to him. I felt rejected. He usually admits to me when he almost forgets, and then ALWAYS says that he doesnt forget often, which is true. He really hardly ever forgets when there's supposed to be one. Anyway, while we were laying in bed watching tv, I worked up the courage to say,
   "You forgot today, you know."
    "Forgot what?" and before I could say anything else he continued, "Your spanking? I didn't forget. I'm skipping today because you got bruised last night. You'll have one tomorrow. I don't want your butt to be purple when you finally go into labor..."
    I rolled over, completely unconvinced. I wanted to say a million things but I felt my emotions take over and my eyes were filling with tears. "I think you forgot," I said.
    "No I didn't!" he insisted.
    "You're mad I didnt spank you?" he asked.
    "I'm not mad," my famous line. "You didn't say anything about it,"
    "Why do I have to? I thought it was my choice," he argued.
    There was so much stuff rolling around in my head that I wanted to say but I knew if I did I would just burst into tears, and I didn't think I could handle that right then. So I took a few minutes, sucked it up, and rolled back over to face him. He asked if I was okay, I assured him I was, and we turned the tv off and put music on to fall asleep to. In the dark, it was much easier for me to find the courage to say, "How do you feel about doing maintenance maybe earlier in the day on Saturday, instead of at night?"
    "Why?" he wanted to know.
    "Because it always gets put off," I said quietly.
    "No it doesnt," he countered.
    "Pretty frequently," I amended, waiting for an answer.
    "You don't like skipping a day, huh?" he asked.
    "No, sir."
    "Okay," he agreed. He then joked around a little bit, saying he'd have to stay up real late on Friday night so he could spank me Saturday morning between 2 and 4 AM. I'm almost positive he was kidding about that, but I felt good about letting him know I didn't like skipping maintenance.

    Today while he worked, I wrote him a letter, expressing all the things I'd been thinking the night before. My brain is kinda all over the place lately so I touched on a lot of things. I explained to him that I definitely was not mad that the daily spanking was skipped on monday, that I actually would have welcomed the break if he'd told me we were skipping it. That because he didn't say anything, I thought he forgot, which led me to feel rejected and uncared about. I told him that spankings were very intimate to me and that I looked forward to those times together, so when I think all day that it's going to happen and then it doesnt, I feel hurt. I talked about a lot of other things that I'd sort of bottled up, and it felt wonderful to let it all out. I think I'm making progress! :D


AAAAAAAANNNNNDDDD ... I got another chapter up at stories by a spanko
go read & leave me some comments, pretty please :p

pretend theres a title. I'm too lazy to think of one.

    Maintenance got post-poned. Again. This was the third week in a row! By the time J told me that it was going to occur Sunday instead of Saturday, I'd already figured it out on my own. He had a bad headache, and we'd just finished watching a movie around 1:30 AM. I wasn't tired, and just lay in bed while J snored beside me. Around 3 AM, I couldn't find anything else on tv that I even remotely wanted to watch, so I got up and went to the living room and sat on my laptop for a little bit, working on some writing. By 4, my eyes were stinging from staring at the bright screen in the dark so I decided to go to bed. I climbed into bed next to J, who immediately started snoring loudly. sigh. I played some music on my iPhone and set the timer to turn the music off in an hour. I fell asleep some time before the music turned off.
    By Sunday afternoon I was feeling hectic. I hadn't been spanked saturday at ALL (since it's maintenance day, J doesn't give me my daily in the morning) and he skipped the daily sunday morning since maintenance had been post poned, and maintenance always happens right before bed. When it was finally time for my spanking, I was actually kind of looking forward to it. Until he took the five fingered strap out. Greeeaaaat. It's better than the loopy, but not much. He spanked away with it, warming me up before he started with the numbered sets. I got 50 on each for the first set, then he let me rest for a minute, and he finished with 75 on each. The tips of each finger wrapped around the curves of my booty, and my sit spot was getting a lot of attention. One time, it wrapped in and stung the very inside curve of my bottom, very close to dangerous territory. I have a lovely bruise there today. I ended up crying at the end.
    I am going to talk to him about revising our maintenance ritual. Either I need to have my daily spanking in the morning, and then maintenance later on, that way if it gets put off, I won't have gone the whole time with no spanking..OR have the maintenance spanking take place earlier in the day. I don't really think I'd like having two spankings a day when maintenance ends up actually taking place on Saturdays, so I'm hoping he goes for moving it up to an earlier time in the day. I guess we'll see.

flowing nicely

    Things have just been great. J has been spanking me daily since the day we had that talk, its been a little over a week. They are not very hard or long but leave me feeling taken care of, and balanced. There have been some days where I've had to remind him, but it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would to do so. Some days, our minds are just other places. I do, however, think it's important to stick to the routine even when other things are taking up residence in our thoughts. It helps me to feel like there is something I can predict in my day, as I'm getting to a point in this pregnancy that I have no idea what's going to happen. Some days I feel okay but quite often I'm exhausted, sore, and just ready to be done. My doctor told me last week that after this coming thursday, if I go into labor, they will do nothing to stop it. Said the baby is big enough and I'm far enough along that everything should be fine. Which led me to believe, I really can go anytime now! Which is OH SO exciting, but also terrifying. I'm afraid of going into labor when J is at work, and having to go to the hospital myself and him having to meet me there. I'm scared I won't know when it's happening right away. But, as I said, my daily spankings help to re-center and focus me and I don't think about it as much. I have everything ready to go, all I need to do is trust and listen to my body. Everything else will be okay.
    We had maintenance last night. J had a stiff neck / headache, so he picked a card instead of just doing whatever. He chose a card that said 75 on each with the five fingered strap and 20 on each with his hand. "C'mon," he said, tapping the arm of the loveseat with the strap.
    I looked at him with my puppy dog eyes. I really hate that strap! I stood up anyway, clutching my stuffed animal to my chest already, and stood in front of him.
    He pulled me into his arms and hugged me, then kissed the top of my head, before releasing me in the direction of the leather loveseat.
    I climbed up, intentionally leaving my yoga pants up, hoping he would show some mercy and let me keep them on.
    "Ready?" he asked, like he always does, even though I never respond because I never really am. "If you put your hand back to block, I'm going to get out the loopy."
    My heart started pounding in my ears. Usually, he doesn't offer a consequence for putting my hands back, and the fear of having the loopy taken out made me squeeze my fingers tight around my stuffed animal. No way would I let that happen.
    The first 75, on the left side, weren't that bad, but definitely warmed me up and had me wiggling. They stung pretty good. The other 75 on my right were pretty much the same. Then he put it down, and kneeled beside me on the loveseat.
    "I'm going to give you the 20 on each with my hand, and then I'm going to give you another 75 with the strap, because that was a little wimpy of a spanking." he informed me.
    I groaned. Here I was, looking forward to ending the spanking with my favorite kind of spanking, with his hand. No such luck.
    He gave me the sets with his hand, and they were surprisingly stingy. Sometimes I wonder how he can pack such a spank with just his hand! Then, I felt his hands in the waistband of my yoga pants.
    "Aww," I whined.
    He tapped the strap on my right cheek before beginning. It felt like fire on my bare skin, that stupid strap.
    I squeezed stitch as tight as I could because the urge to protect my poor butt was overwhelming. I willed myself to keep them put, not wanting to make things worse.
    The left side was even worse than the right, the tips of the five fingers kept hitting right next to my butt crack and it was so tender! It KILLED! I wiggled and cried out, but I managed to keep my hands in front of me. When he finished, he rubbed lotion on me, and gave me a hug.
    "All done, more tomorrow..." he promised.
    We laid together, my head on his chest, his arm around me, and watched some tv. It was very nice.


    J had to work this morning, so we havent had our daily spanking yet. I'm looking forward to it! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend, I know I did :)

And So It Begins ...

   I sent J the link to my post yesterday.
   He texted me back, saying, So you want one every day?
   My stomach twisted in knots. I did want them, so why was it so hard to admit that?  I replied with would you mind? Its obviously up to you how you decide to do it, but it doesnt need to be anything particularly long or hard. Idk what it is lately, but I've been feeling like I need them more often.
   I'll see what I can do.
   I thanked him up and down for being so understanding, and not thinking I'm crazy (though I'm sure he still does, he just would never admit it to me). He of course brushed it off, and told me he loved me.
   Later, when he got home, he held me and kissed my head, and told me that we'd be having them in the mornings when we get up. I agreed, and the subject was dropped.

   When I woke up, of course it was the first thing on my mind. I was a little nervous, because I had no idea what he was planning to do for these daily spankings.
   It was almost noon when we woke up, and J went to the grocery store to grab some food that he could make quickly for lunch and have enough left over to bring to work. When he got back, I asked about the spanking and he said since we got up late, I'd get it after lunch.
   We ate together, and then he made a plate up for work, and I put the rest of the leftovers in a tupperware container and stuck it in the fridge. As I was putting the pot in the sink, J came up behind me.
   "Let's go," he said firmly.
   I was filling the pot with soap and water so it could soak for a little bit, and I nodded. "One minute,"
   J stood beside me as it filled, then reached out and shut the water off. "Come on."
   Darn. No such thing as stalling today! I followed him into the bedroom, where he'd taken out the strap. I groaned.
   "What?" he asked, as I climbed up onto the love seat.
   "Nothing," I said quietly.
   He smacked me with the strap. "What did you say?" he asked, yanking my sweat pants down.
   "I didn't say anything!" I cried, as the strap caught the bottom of my left cheek.
   "You moaned something," he said firmly, bringing the strap down again.
   "Ow! I just moaned, I didn't say anything in particular..."
   He gave me a few more before asking, "Why did you moan?" the strap kept coming down.
   "Owww, because I don't like the strap! IT HURTS!"
   This seemed to be a satisfying answer, as he stopped asking questions. "Today, I'm going to give you 75 on each and then we'll be done."
   I didn't say anything, but by the third or fourth of the first 75, my hand had made it's way back to protect my poor butt.
   "Move your hands, babe."
   I did, but they didn't stay in front of me for long.
   "Move them!"
   "I'm sorry," I whimpered, moving them back in front of me. I tried my hardest to keep them in front of me, but the damn strap hurt SO bad today! My body wriggled and twisted to escape the blows, and J was getting frustrated.
   "Stop moving," he warned me.
   "I can't help it," I whispered. "I'm sorry," and I was. I really wasn't trying to move around so much, but my body had a mind of its own. I felt J's arm go around my waist and he lifted me up back into position, and held me there tightly while he delivered the rest of the first set. 
   The next 75 started on the other side and they came down fast.
   I did better staying still with these ones, but not much better. He didn't have to hold me in place, which I considered a good thing. My hands came back a few times. He warned me that he was going to hit them, and that was the last time they went back. I know at one point I said, "I can't," which wasn't true. It may have felt like it at the time, but I certainly was well within my boundaries. Not sure why today was so rough.
   Afterward, he put the strap away and called me to him. He held me close to my body and asked if that was a good start up to the dailys. I told him it was. He pointed out that I'd resisted a lot, and I apologized. It was unintentional. I told him it hurt a lot, and he reminded me that was the point.
   We went back to the living room to spend the last 45 minutes together before he had to leave for work. I laid with my head in his lap and we talked. I asked, "Do you think maybe I'm just sore from the other nights spanking and thats why it hurt so much today?"
   "The other night wasn't very hard," he told me matter-of-factly.
   "Yes it was!" I insisted. "You used the loopy, and I was crying way before that..."
   "I didn't use it for very long," he pointed out. "Maybe you're just sensitive today."
   I nodded.
   "Tomorrow, it's going to be something different." he told me. When I looked up at him, he asked if that made me nervous.
   I shrugged.
   "Why?" he asked.
   "Because I trust you." I answered, and it came from a place that I didn't know existed to the extent that it does. Usually, I would be nervous. However, I trust J to do what he feels is best, and I know that he'd never go beyond what I could handle.
   "Even if I told you it's something you don't like?"
   Normally, my insides would churn at this. I'd imagine the worst. Instead, I shrugged again.
   "You still trust me?" he asked, and I nodded.
   I pointed out that it was Saturday, and suggested that a morning spanking wouldn't be necessary since we'd be having maintenance. He agreed.
   "You're still getting your big one tomorrow night, though."

   Sitting on a still sore bottom, I'm thinking tomorrow isn't going to be pleasant. I looked at my butt after J left for work, and have a semi-circle bruise on my right thigh from the end of the strap. Ouchie. You can bet I did everything I was supposed to do today!

   I'm glad, however, that J decided to go along with the daily spankings. I'm hoping that as well as helping me stay level headed and relaxed, they will help him be even more comfortable in his role. He's been doing an excellent job, and I hope that he can see that the way I do. I'm so very lucky to have him!

In a sort of funk ...

   I have been feeling a little strange lately. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I am constantly feeling like I need to be spanked.  Friday night, I texted J at work and told him I wouldn't mind a spanking when he got home. I got one. Saturday was maintenance and J chose a card, and I was spanked again. Sunday, I asked for a spanking and J decided on three minutes with the cane, and 150 on each with the black strap. All day yesterday I wanted to be spanked, but J wasnt feeling well so I didn't bring it up. He was home from work and for him to call out of work, he has to be feeling really bad. I just wanted him to be able to rest.
   Today, I just keep thinking about it. Maybe it's because the other spankings didn't bring me to tears, and I'm looking for that release? Last night, we watched a movie in bed (My Sister's Keeper, very good movie, terrible mistake to watch when pregnant and emotional,) and I cried practically through the whole thing. Granted, it was a sad movie, but it felt good to cry. J held me and whispered to me and kissed my head and made me feel secure. But I still want to be spanked. I don't know why, all I know is I should bring it up to J before it gets out of hand. I know from experience that if I say nothing and just let it build, it's going to get ugly and that's the last thing either of us wants. I just hate asking for it, I get anxious and nervous and sort of ashamed. I especially feel embarassed because I've been spanked 3 out of  the last 4 days. Ugh. I wish I could sort through these feelings!