My Need For Punishment

     I have been doing a lot of thinking about punishment, and what part it plays in my spanko-ness. Like your typical spanko, even as a child, spanking was something that stood out to me. I was spanked by my father, but that was different somehow. I avoided spankings from him at all costs...I hardly ever got them unless he was in a really bad mood because I learned how to stay out of his way, avoid him, and do what I was supposed to. There was nothing loving about his spankings, usually he would grab you by your arm or ear and swat you hard a few times, and yell about whatever you'd done wrong. There was no discussion about your mistakes, no explanation as to why it was wrong or what could be done instead. There was no forgiveness afterward, no hugs or reassurances. Sometimes you'd get yelled at again. I hated it. If one of my siblings was about to get spanked I'd hide somewhere I couldn't hear ... I used to tremble listening to it. Don't get me wrong, my dad is a good guy .. he's just old school, and parents the same way his father did.
     The spankings I wrote about in my stories (yes, I remember being as young as 10 or 11 and writing stories centered around spanking, and drawing pictures of people being spanked, too) were not like that. They were loving, and forgiving, and comforting. They weren't graphic, and were always pretty much about a kid my age being punished for something they'd done wrong. As I got into my teens and started liking boys, the story lines to my stories changed slightly. Often I wrote about a girl being punished by her boyfriend, or best guy friend. Sometimes I wrote about friends being punished together.
     One thing remained pretty constant, though. It was always about discipline. I never really thought about it before, but once I did, I just attributed it to not knowing about other aspects of spanking in the past. That discipline was all I knew spanking was and could be, so I didn't link it mentally to anything sexual. Except that once I did link it to my sexuality, it was still the discipline aspect that drew me.
     Before I had ever had my first adult spanking, I had imagined it hundreds upon thousands of times, I'm sure. I'd misbehaved in some way, and I was called to task by a rugged, stern man. There was always a little scolding, a very red bottom, and tears involved in these fantasies. Now that I have been spanked for real, I know that things are not always the same in real life as they are in fantasies. Spankings hurt like hell, for one. Second, it's not actually fulfilling to be punished when you know it comes at the cost of disappointing someone you love very dearly. Letting him down is the worst consequence imaginable.
     Something else I've learned is that all spankings are not the same. For example, a short, light spanking accompanied by firm scolding has a completely different effect than a hard spanking with dirty words whispered in your ear. Personally, I can tolerate a lot less when I am in trouble rather than when he's spanking for the fun of it. It all has to do with the context. This is something I had not realized before I'd actually been spanked, and quite a few times. I had always assumed that a spanking was a spanking and I'd always have the same reaction to it no matter what.
     Now that I've done more extensive thinking about it, I've drawn several conclusions about my need to be held accountable. I have extremely high expectations of myself, much higher than most people would expect of another person. I'm not saying it's bad to have high expectations for yourself, in fact it makes it so that I don't get punished often. If J asks me to do something, 9 times out of 10 it will get done, not because I don't want to be punished but because I feel like I HAVE to if he asks me to. I think that ties in a bit to my submissive personality because when J asks me to do anything, I feel a driving need to do it, and do it perfectly. I feel it's my responsibility to please him .. and if I don't do something he asked or if I behave in a way that is less than what he deserves, even if it wasn't discipline worthy, I have deep feelings of guilt. I know when I've screwed up, and a lot of times, J hasn't even noticed my slight resistance or misdeed, when it's all I've been thinking about. One of the downfalls to this is when I really cant do something he's asked, I feel terrible about it. It doesn't matter if it's something he really wants me to do, or something he wouldn't mind if I waited on, if he's asked me, I feel bad not doing it. That's just how I am, I suppose. I think I'm getting a little sidetracked, but my point is that when I feel guilty about something I've done, and J hasnt noticed whatever it was I did, it feels like he doesnt care how I act or treat him. Which of course is not the case, but that's how my silly brain works. I want to treat J the way he deserves to be treated, all the time. Unfortunately, when I am stressed about something, J is the one who ends up bearing the brunt of my frustrations. It's never intentional, but it happens time and time again. Sometimes, even when it's happening and I'm acting like that, I can see what an insufferableb brat I'm being, and I hate myself for it. I want to stop, to turn my attitude around and be the girl he wants and needs. There are times that I can do that. There are also times when no matter how much I want to, I cannot do that. It feels like I'm running down a hill toward a big mud puddle and I've gotten going so fast that I can't stop myself, my feet are just going and going, a mind of their own. Sometimes, I just need help stopping.
     Being held accountable is actually a huge relief. It helps relieve the intense guilt for doing something wrong, and it's an assurance that there is a way to get through problems. I hate when people are angry or upset with me. It makes me feel sad and depressed, and that feeling is magnified by thousands if J is the one who's angry or upset at me. Having discipline also helps me work through those feelings, and the fear of J getting angry or disappointed in me. Simply knowing there's a system in place, that once I am punished for it, it's forgiven .. that's just huge for me. So while I do not enjoy being legitimately punished, it does make me feel .. content. It fills a part deep inside of me that was left empty for a long time, and it feels good to feel like a whole me. The real me.

The Four D's

     So last night, J and I are watching tv, my head resting on his shoulder, when he suddenly says, "So .. what are the four d's?"
     I swear, I thought my heart stopped! I felt like my face was on fire, and I could barely speak. "Uh, what?" I stammered.
     "What are the four d's?" he repeated.
     Holy cow. I was not prepared for this! We couldn't have this conversation now!! "Babe," I half-giggled, half gasped.
     "What? What are they, just tell me."
     "It's hard!" I admitted. As I rattled them off in my head, I got even more embarassed. I was supposed to say the word disobedience out loud? To him? Oh my God. My face burned even hotter. "Can I write them down?" I was seriously flustered.
     At first he told me no that he just wanted me to tell him, but for some reason I just couldnt. I wrote them down on a piece of paper. When I finished, I started to fold it up (I know, I know, delaying the inevitable but hey...it made me feel better at the time) but he snatched it from my hand and quickly read it. I waited nearly 30 seconds for his reaction, which felt like a lifetime with my heart pounding in my chest like it might break loose.
     "Why does it have to be a 'set thing'? Why can't I just make my own?" he wanted to know. He seemed frustrated.
     I explained that of course, he could just make his own. I had just thought that since the four D's are so broad and kind of cover most everything, they would be a good jump off point. I was still in shock at this point that we were even talking about this. He told me he didnt like the four d's because he felt that they should just be a given, which I agree with to an extent. The only issue being that I don't really know where exactly the line is drawn. I feel like there have been many instances in the past where my behavior would certainly have fallen under one of those d's and it was completely ignored, or made light of. So where do I really stand? After we talked a little bit about the four d's, J told me not to expect him to lay down rules right away. He said he agreed with Bob's comment and that we both have a lot on our plates right now, and I should "Chill." He's right, of course, but I cant help but wish it weren't so busy right now. I want him to want me to be the best me that I can be. I dont want crazy strict rules, in fact, most of the rules I've read about here in blogland I am much happier NOT having, thank you very much (regardless of how much I may need some of them LOL). I am just craving some sort of boundary, I guess. Anyway, I was just glad that he's actually reading! It makes me feel good knowing that J is interested in how I feel and what I'm thinking. He really is so amazing, and so good to me. J, if you're reading right now, thank you! & I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!
    

Interrupted.

     Yesterday, overall, was a pretty great day. My aunt and uncle are in town from Illinois and I havent seen them in over a year. We spent the day with them and some other family.
     While we were gone, our roommate had a cookout with some friends. When we got home at 830, we walked into a loud house and a kitchen full of intoxicated people. One girl in particular was especially drunk. I was a little pissed, yes, but it is his house, so there wasn't much I could say. I just reminded myself that soon enough we will be out of here and just our little family. Anyway, while I was in the living room with the baby, apparently the drunk girl was wrestling with her sisters boyfriend (yes, this is real life ... what the heck?) and she turned to look at my husband and says, "I want you to slap my ass."
     I, of course, was completely unaware of this until after she'd left. Thankfully, everyone left pretty soon after we arrived home. When J told that she'd said this to him, though, I was shocked! Who says something like that to a man who just arrived home with his wife and two month old baby?! It wasnt like she didnt know, either, I had met her once before when she went to a hockey game with our roommate. I wish I was in the room when she said it. Where do you get off asking a married man to touch your behind? IN THE PRESENCE of his wife and child? Can you believe the nerve?! Some people, I tell ya.

     Anyway, once the circus ended, we went to bed. Saturday is maintenance and I was really needing a hard spanking. I have had many spankings in the past week but I've kinda sorta been craving the spanking that breaks you down to your natural, vulnerable self. The spanking I got started off a little slow. He warmed me up with the strap but picked up the pace pretty quickly. Before I knew it, he was strapping me pretty hard and I was bucking around, begging for a break. It seemed like he would never stop, but finally he did, granting me a break. I lay still trying to catch my breath. After a few moments he started up again, burning my butt with that awful piece of leather. Then, he stopped, and put the strap up. He rubbed my hott tush and squeezed the fleshy part of my bottom. This was starting to feel not so much like maintenance and very much like a good girl spanking. MMM. Fine with me. His fingers roamed and his hands kneaded and rubbed, while I squirmed beneath his delicious touch. And then, baby cries. Meh. So I got up and rocked him back to sleep, then rejoined J in bed. I laid over the pillow and he spanked my sit spot, and rubbing, letting his fingers explore. He laid gentle, sensual spanks on my hot butt and I was getting so turned on. I couldn't tell if this was maintenance still or if he was turning this into a more fun occasion. His big hand fell again and again on my panties, warming me up in more places than just my panties. He was spanking kinda hard and I just pushed my bottom up and out, raising up to meet his hand. Overwhelmed with my desire, I found myself murmuring, "Sir,"
     "What, baby?"
     "Take them down," I breathed raggedly.
     "I will do what I want," he purred in my ear, giving me a few hard whacks. "I can keep them up and spank you and you tease you if I want to." when all I offered in reply was a moan, he asked, "Cant I?"
     "Yes sir," I panted. I was feeling so good.
     After a minute or so of hard spanks, J did take my panties down and continued spanking on my bare, fiery butt. He had me get up and lay over his lap. Once there, he pushed my legs apart and spanked some more on my sit spot and upper thighs, taking time to visit more pleasant areas. I was sooo turned on and wanted him so bad, and then ... the baby woke up, this time ready to eat.

     Bummer.

     By the time I had fed the baby and put him back down, J had fallen fast asleep. Double bummer.
     J told me earlier if I play my cards right today, I just might get spanked again tonight.
     I am going to do my very best to insure that happens. I have a feeling J was just as disappointed that our fun was interrupted last night, which ups my chances of having a repeat performance tonight. Keep your fingers crossed for me! :D

the luckiest.

     I am one lucky girl. The luckiest, in fact.

     Yesterday was a hard day. Since starting the baby on his reflux meds, we have been having mostly good days. But yesterday reminded me of the days before he was on his meds. The days he cried all day, seemingly inconsolable. He would quiet for a moment or two, then start screaming again. I was grateful to have passed those days, because they hurt me. They make me feel inadequate because it seems as if nothing I do can help my baby feel better. I feel like a failure. I know that this is not true, and that babies have days where they are going to cry. In the heat of the moment, though, when I've done absolutely everything I can think of to console my screaming bundle, and nothing works ... I want to bury my face and cry. In fact, I spent most of yesterday crying with my baby because I couldn't calm him. (He eventually was content after finally pooping at 8 pm! Poor guy ..)
     To make things worse, J had to work later than usual and I was feeling overwhelmed, and needy. I missed him, I needed his help, I needed him to tell me it was okay, and it wasn't my fault our baby was so upset. We were talking through text and I told him I was missing him, and having a rough day. I expressed some concerns I was having (about myself) and he reassured me that I was doing fine. Not only did he have to work late, but he'd also promised my little sister that he would take her out driving since she is going for her license test tonight, so I was home alone most of the day yesterday. He came home to eat dinner in between working and taking her driving. While he was there, he could see that I was having a hard day and feeling down, and he promised me that when he got back, I was going to get a "good girl spanking with a bad edge". I nodded my head, secretly thinking that I was going to need more than a good girl spanking, but I kept my mouth shut.
    
     When he finally got home, we sat together on the couch for a while, and he talked to our roommate about the sink (it had been clogged, and was now fixed). I fed the baby, changed him, put him down, and then J and I went to bed.
     He spanked me with the hairbrush, and then told me to pick something I wanted him to use.
     Of course, theres nothing in our arsenal that I want used on me, I prefer his hand, but I'm not allowed to pick his hand on occasions like this. Only he decides when he uses his hand. If he tells me to pick an implement, thats what I have to do. Soooo I chose the black strap, since he promised this was going to be a good girl spanking.
     In the end, the "good girl spanking with a hard edge" was just what I needed It was hard enough to recenter me but gentle enough for me to enjoy.

     J has been so wonderful this week about keeping me in a good frame of mind. There have been little spankings here and there all week, some hard, some not so hard, but all of them have reminded me how dedicated my man is to making our relationship a priority.