A New Chapter ...

   I've been trying to focus on things that make me happy, like reading and writing. I recently got a membership at our city library and have been visiting quite often. I've read two books this week, and I'm loving that I'm making time to do so. I've also started writing again, and I've decided to create a blog to post my stories on, instead of cluttering up this blog with it. That way if you want to read it, you can go over there and not have to sift through to find the "real life" entries.
    I have posted the first chapter to my newest story, at my new blog HERE. I'd love for you guys to read! I'm working on the second chapter, it should be done by tomorrow :)

FINALLY!

   I got spanked twice yesterday. I got a short handspanking before J left for work, my daily spanking. It was stingy but not terribly. When he was at work, I'd texted him, revealing my desire to make love when he got home. It'd been some time, since the last few times we'd tried it really hurt, and I was craving my man. He agreed we could try. He didn't want to hurt me.
   After he got out of the shower, he spanked me again. He used the black strap and the five fingered strap. The strokes were not very hard, and only a few of them hurt. Most of the time it felt very nice, and did a great job of getting me in the mood :p
   We made love, and it was wonderful. Of course, it hurt at first. A lot. But J was so gentle and loving, and after a little bit, it didn't hurt anymore. It felt so good to reconnect with him on that level. It'd been waaay too long. Hopefully there will be much more where that came from before the little man arrives! 6 more weeks if I make it to my due date, woo hoo!

I Need to Whine a Little

   I'm so done being pregnant. I want my body back. I love  the kid to death, but I'm ready for him to be out. My hips hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt. I have Braxton Hicks so much, and even they're starting to move from the "uncomfortable" realm to wtf?!
   I feel so unattractive. J always tells me how I'm such a "cute pregnant person." I don't want to be cute! I want him to want me. We havent made love in over a month. In fact, I think we're closing in on two! I didn't think I'd mind all that much, but I feel unwanted, despite how beautiful J always tells me I am. I'm sure he hasn't tried to make love in so long because the last time we did it, it kinda hurt, and my belly got in the way. I just want him to touch me! :( Thankfully, we talked about this today, and we're going to try to work through it tonight.

   I feel so lonely. I miss working. I know that when Silas comes, I will be busy taking care of him, and I will be glad that I am able to be home with him. But now, I feel so disconnected from the world. I don't go out. Once in a great while I will get bagels with a couple girls I used to work with, but that doesn't happen enough, and when it does, I find myself sitting by quietly listening to their conversations and poking in every now and then. We're at different places in our lives. They're in college, and doing what college kids do. I just miss having the companionship of girlfriends. There was a girl I was friends with all through middle school, high school, and the year of college that I attended as a full time student. We were literally inseperable. People got so accustomed to seeing us together, that if we were ever apart, someone always asked where the other was. She was like my sister, we shared everything. Then she started dating her boyfriend, who turned her into a self absorbed biatch, and we don't even speak anymore. It's rather sad, and I'm obviously still not over it. Ugh.

   Anyway, I feel a little better now that I've rambled on and complained for a bit. Sorry to bore you all.

More Random Facts About Us :)

- I love to read, and write.

- I used to believe that I would never find someone who would accept me the way that I was. I considered myself flawed, and thought that no man would ever love me. My self confidence has sky rocketed since meeting J.

- I want to go back to school someday and finish classes to get a degree in early childhood education.

- I love everything about photography. I wish that I'd taken photography classes because I LOVE taking pictures. I love looking at pictures. Black and white photography is my favorite.

- I am kind of obsessed with garlic.

- I'm a really picky eater, and have a serious problem with textures.

- There is very little that J and I disagree about.

- J is a very straight forward person, he will tell you exactly what he is thinking.

- I cant wait to be a mommy, and to hold my little man, and read him books, and kiss his nose, and sing him lullabies.

Change.

   Usually, Saturday is maintenance day. We had decided that since I'd be getting a big spanking Saturday night, the morning spanking wouldn't be necessary. After a long day (we had a birthday party to go to for a one year old), J wasn't feeling well and I was pretty exhausted myself. He told me maintenance would be post-poned until Sunday. I felt the same pang of disappointment that I always do if maintenance is put off, but it's becoming easier for me to accept that sometimes, life just gets in the way. Things will not always be conducive to doing exactly what we want when we want, and it's not the end of the world (a very important thing to remember, especially with a little one on the way)! I used to get very upset when this happened, but I was only disappointed for a few minutes, knowing it would happen the next day.
   Sunday night, J pointed to the loveseat, and went to the drawer.
   I watched him take out the black strap, loopy, and paddle out of the drawer before climbing onto the loveseat.
   He started with the loopy, and spanked me with it for about 5 minutes.
   It was hard for me to keep my hands in front of me, as it always is with the loopy. At one point, he took my hand and moved it to the loveseat in front of me, placing it firmly down and telling me not to put it back again.
   I was a little teary eyed, and breathing heavy by the time he finished with the loopy.
   "I'm going to give you a break to regain your composure." he told me, his voice calm and stern.
   My chest heaved, and I focused on breathing and calming myself down. Just when I'd started to feel in control of myself, he picked up the strap.
   "You're going to get 75 on each with this," he started without further pause.
   The strap hurt, but not as bad as I'd expected. The loopy had well warmed my poor butt and the strap felt like nothing compared to that awful loop. When he'd finished with that, I was panting again, and not looking forward to the paddle.
   "Okay, now you're going to get 50 on each, and you'll be all done."
   He started right in, bringing the paddle down in quick succession.
   I felt myself losing control again as the paddle burned my already heated cheeks. I wiggled and squirmed, until J ordered me to stay still. I used all my self control to keep myself still, and found myself sobbing, the upper part of my body draped over the top of the loveseat.
   He put the implements away, and came over, hugging me to him. He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry it had to be so hard, but it's been two days...and you needed it." After we snuggeld for a moment, he rubbed some lotion on for me, relieving some of the sting and heat.
 
   This morning, I was spanked again. He used the strap and started out giving me 25 on each, then 50 on each with the loopy.
   It was over relatively quickly but it felt like forever. My butt was still tender from last night. While it was happening, I couldn't help but think I'd gotten myself in over my head. But after the fact, I started really thinking about it, and I'm so glad that we've put the daily spankings in place. I have felt much better during the afternoon/night while he's gone, and I can even see a difference in J already. He seems so much more confident in his role. I love it.
  

And So It Begins ...

   I sent J the link to my post yesterday.
   He texted me back, saying, So you want one every day?
   My stomach twisted in knots. I did want them, so why was it so hard to admit that?  I replied with would you mind? Its obviously up to you how you decide to do it, but it doesnt need to be anything particularly long or hard. Idk what it is lately, but I've been feeling like I need them more often.
   I'll see what I can do.
   I thanked him up and down for being so understanding, and not thinking I'm crazy (though I'm sure he still does, he just would never admit it to me). He of course brushed it off, and told me he loved me.
   Later, when he got home, he held me and kissed my head, and told me that we'd be having them in the mornings when we get up. I agreed, and the subject was dropped.

   When I woke up, of course it was the first thing on my mind. I was a little nervous, because I had no idea what he was planning to do for these daily spankings.
   It was almost noon when we woke up, and J went to the grocery store to grab some food that he could make quickly for lunch and have enough left over to bring to work. When he got back, I asked about the spanking and he said since we got up late, I'd get it after lunch.
   We ate together, and then he made a plate up for work, and I put the rest of the leftovers in a tupperware container and stuck it in the fridge. As I was putting the pot in the sink, J came up behind me.
   "Let's go," he said firmly.
   I was filling the pot with soap and water so it could soak for a little bit, and I nodded. "One minute,"
   J stood beside me as it filled, then reached out and shut the water off. "Come on."
   Darn. No such thing as stalling today! I followed him into the bedroom, where he'd taken out the strap. I groaned.
   "What?" he asked, as I climbed up onto the love seat.
   "Nothing," I said quietly.
   He smacked me with the strap. "What did you say?" he asked, yanking my sweat pants down.
   "I didn't say anything!" I cried, as the strap caught the bottom of my left cheek.
   "You moaned something," he said firmly, bringing the strap down again.
   "Ow! I just moaned, I didn't say anything in particular..."
   He gave me a few more before asking, "Why did you moan?" the strap kept coming down.
   "Owww, because I don't like the strap! IT HURTS!"
   This seemed to be a satisfying answer, as he stopped asking questions. "Today, I'm going to give you 75 on each and then we'll be done."
   I didn't say anything, but by the third or fourth of the first 75, my hand had made it's way back to protect my poor butt.
   "Move your hands, babe."
   I did, but they didn't stay in front of me for long.
   "Move them!"
   "I'm sorry," I whimpered, moving them back in front of me. I tried my hardest to keep them in front of me, but the damn strap hurt SO bad today! My body wriggled and twisted to escape the blows, and J was getting frustrated.
   "Stop moving," he warned me.
   "I can't help it," I whispered. "I'm sorry," and I was. I really wasn't trying to move around so much, but my body had a mind of its own. I felt J's arm go around my waist and he lifted me up back into position, and held me there tightly while he delivered the rest of the first set. 
   The next 75 started on the other side and they came down fast.
   I did better staying still with these ones, but not much better. He didn't have to hold me in place, which I considered a good thing. My hands came back a few times. He warned me that he was going to hit them, and that was the last time they went back. I know at one point I said, "I can't," which wasn't true. It may have felt like it at the time, but I certainly was well within my boundaries. Not sure why today was so rough.
   Afterward, he put the strap away and called me to him. He held me close to my body and asked if that was a good start up to the dailys. I told him it was. He pointed out that I'd resisted a lot, and I apologized. It was unintentional. I told him it hurt a lot, and he reminded me that was the point.
   We went back to the living room to spend the last 45 minutes together before he had to leave for work. I laid with my head in his lap and we talked. I asked, "Do you think maybe I'm just sore from the other nights spanking and thats why it hurt so much today?"
   "The other night wasn't very hard," he told me matter-of-factly.
   "Yes it was!" I insisted. "You used the loopy, and I was crying way before that..."
   "I didn't use it for very long," he pointed out. "Maybe you're just sensitive today."
   I nodded.
   "Tomorrow, it's going to be something different." he told me. When I looked up at him, he asked if that made me nervous.
   I shrugged.
   "Why?" he asked.
   "Because I trust you." I answered, and it came from a place that I didn't know existed to the extent that it does. Usually, I would be nervous. However, I trust J to do what he feels is best, and I know that he'd never go beyond what I could handle.
   "Even if I told you it's something you don't like?"
   Normally, my insides would churn at this. I'd imagine the worst. Instead, I shrugged again.
   "You still trust me?" he asked, and I nodded.
   I pointed out that it was Saturday, and suggested that a morning spanking wouldn't be necessary since we'd be having maintenance. He agreed.
   "You're still getting your big one tomorrow night, though."

   Sitting on a still sore bottom, I'm thinking tomorrow isn't going to be pleasant. I looked at my butt after J left for work, and have a semi-circle bruise on my right thigh from the end of the strap. Ouchie. You can bet I did everything I was supposed to do today!

   I'm glad, however, that J decided to go along with the daily spankings. I'm hoping that as well as helping me stay level headed and relaxed, they will help him be even more comfortable in his role. He's been doing an excellent job, and I hope that he can see that the way I do. I'm so very lucky to have him!

American Idol and a crazy preggo rant...

   J works late, but this season has really gotten into American Idol, so I dvr it for him and watch it together either when he gets home or the next day. Last night, we were watching it together, and one of the contestants had a flogger type thing hanging from his back pocket. I giggled, and said "He's got a whip in his pocket!"
   He laughed and said, "He probably beats his wife..."
   I shrugged. "She probably deserves it."
   "If his wife is anything like mine, she does." he replied, not missing a beat.
   LOL! I almost died laughing. He's so funny sometimes!

   On another, less funny, note...I think I'm losing my mind. I mean, that last spanking I got was pretty intense. You'd think after that one, I'd never want another spanking again, right? Wrong. I find myself wanting one, again. Maybe not one that would make me cry, but maybe like an attention grabber? Gosh, I don't know! I can't figure this out. I'm thinking of asking J if we can have daily spankings? Like maybe when we get up in the morning .. just a quick one to put me in the right mindset for the day. Or right before he leaves for work? Like I've said a million times, I'm not all that great at communicating (or figuring out) what I need. I'm thinking if I have a spanking in the morning that puts me in my place, I wont need more serious spankings so often? Maybe I should just send J to this post, and let him decide. I dont know ... Can ya tell I'm overrun by preggo hormones, people?! I'M LOSING IT!!

Ask, and you shall receive

   While J was at work last night, we had a text conversation where I asked him to spank me (again!) last night. I'd been spanked three out of the four previous nights, and I was feeling a little insecure about asking for more. I explained to him that I wasn't sure why but lately I'd been feeling like I needed a spanking every day. He was very receptive, and promised me a spanking when he got home.
   He still wasn't feeling that great (his neck has been bothering him, causing him to have terrible headaches), and I felt guilty that he was going to have to deal with spanking me on top of his pain.
   I almost told him he could wait til the morning, since usually he feels better earlier in the day, but once we went into the bedroom, he set the alarm clock, then went straigjht to the drawer. Ok, I guess we're on, I thought, just a little nervously. I saw him pull out the black strap and felt the pit in the bottom of my stomach start gurgling.
   "Do you want to lay down or kneel on the couch?" he asked gently.
   "I think my belly's too big to lay down, now .. so I'll kneel," I replied, grabbing my stuffed animal and making my way to the couch. I got into position, grasping my Stitch in front of me, resting my face in his belly.
   "Take your pants down," J ordered.
   I reached back and pulled them down, my legs quivering in anticipation. I knew this was what I asked for, but I was still nervous about it. Quickly I grabbed onto my furry blue animal and buried my face.
   He did not start off easy. The strokes were measured and crisp. He'd give me about ten or so on each, alternating sides, then pause for a few seconds before starting again. The tv was acting up (stupid Charter) so he'd give me a set, then get up and tinker with it, flipping the box on and off, then come back and give me another set. After only about three of these, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would. I really think that the breaks and pauses made all the difference. Lately, my spankings had been straight through, really no breaks to speak of, so I'd spent the entire time fighting the pain (and the emotions I was bottling up at the same time). When there was a pause in pain, the emotions starting surging against my walls, slowly cracking them and finally gushing through. He finally got the tv working and now stood beside me as I sobbed silently into my stuffed animal, bringing the strap down again and again on my burning butt.
   I kept thinking it had to be almost over, since usually my spankings end pretty soon after I start crying. But it didnt, the strap just kept coming down. Finally, after about 5-7 more sets, he stopped, and went to the drawer. I assumed he was putting the strap away and getting some lotion for me, but when he came back, fire lashed across my backside and I squealed, more tears pouring from my eyes.
   He'd gotten the loopy johnny. He brought it down rapid fire maybe 10 or 12 times before I threw my hand back.
   I'd tried so hard to keep them in front of me, but something about that God-awful implement steals my common sense and I just cant help myself. "Owwww," I sobbed.
   "I'm going to give you 35 more on each and then it'll be done, okay?"
   I just whimpered.
   "Move your hand, baby." he ordered.
   I did, and sobbed through the last part of my spanking. It hurt so bad, I kept thinking to myself this is what I get for asking for a spanking. When it was finally over, he put the loopy away and sat down on the bed, calling me to him. I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I went over and I looked like a hot mess. My hair was sticking to my wet cheeks, my make up running down in black rivers. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped my face and blew my nose, then went to J. I climbed into bed with him and he wrapped me in his arms.
   He kissed me, and asked if I was okay.
   Still crying, I assured him I was okay, and snuggled against his chest.
   He asked if that helped, and I nodded.
   It did. It hurt like hell at the time, but it was just what I needed to pull myself from the funk. As I lay in his arms, drawing deep breaths of air, I felt myself returning to a sense of calm. Everything was perfect.

In a sort of funk ...

   I have been feeling a little strange lately. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I am constantly feeling like I need to be spanked.  Friday night, I texted J at work and told him I wouldn't mind a spanking when he got home. I got one. Saturday was maintenance and J chose a card, and I was spanked again. Sunday, I asked for a spanking and J decided on three minutes with the cane, and 150 on each with the black strap. All day yesterday I wanted to be spanked, but J wasnt feeling well so I didn't bring it up. He was home from work and for him to call out of work, he has to be feeling really bad. I just wanted him to be able to rest.
   Today, I just keep thinking about it. Maybe it's because the other spankings didn't bring me to tears, and I'm looking for that release? Last night, we watched a movie in bed (My Sister's Keeper, very good movie, terrible mistake to watch when pregnant and emotional,) and I cried practically through the whole thing. Granted, it was a sad movie, but it felt good to cry. J held me and whispered to me and kissed my head and made me feel secure. But I still want to be spanked. I don't know why, all I know is I should bring it up to J before it gets out of hand. I know from experience that if I say nothing and just let it build, it's going to get ugly and that's the last thing either of us wants. I just hate asking for it, I get anxious and nervous and sort of ashamed. I especially feel embarassed because I've been spanked 3 out of  the last 4 days. Ugh. I wish I could sort through these feelings!

A Weird Feeling

   So I got my good girl spanking last night. It was nice. He started out with the doubled pink strap, lightly, and it felt VERY good. There were some harder strokes but it felt good. He alternated between this strap and and his hand. Once my butt was warm and tingly, he had me stand up in front of him, and he strapped me. It wasn't very hard, but it did hurt a little. The mild pain quickly melted into pleasure, warming and caressing my skin. Then he had me get back on the couch, and after a little more spanking with his hand, he told me he was going to finish off the spanking with a number of things. I asked what this meant and he said he was going to get some implements, and I'd be getting sets of them. This made me a little uneasy for some reason, but I just nodded my agreement. I could hear him shuffling around in the drawer, and when he came back, I pushed my bottom out for him. As soon as I felt the first implement kiss my skin I jumped, saying "OUCH! What is that?!" and looking over my shoulder. The loopy.
   The tone of my spanking immediately changed. It felt all of a sudden like a bad girl spanking, and it broke my mindset. I lost the good feelings I had from the beginning of the spanking.
   He was using it lightly but it still stung. He only used it for a minute or two, then put it away, and started using the bigger hairbrush. He gave me slow, light, deliberate strokes and these felt good. I was a little surprised that it could feel good because usually the hairbrush hurts but it was totally different when being used nicely. I started to get back in the groove of the spanking, but I couldn't totally let go and enjoy myself fully. He then used the paddle, which also felt surprisingly good. I think there was another implement used as well, but I cant really remember.
   I laid beside him in bed for a bit, and we talked a little. He asked me if it was a good good girl spanking, and I confessed that it felt a little like a bad girl spanking. I told him that the loopy kind of changed the tone for me, and it was hard to get past that, but otherwise it was a very good spanking. 
   I still was extremely turned on from the spanking, as most good girl spankings leave me feeling, and I showed my appreciation.

   Long after the lovin was finished, I lay in bed thinking. It had seemed to me that J was sort of wanting to spank me harder than a good girl spanking warranted. I felt confused because I wanted a bit harder of a spanking as well, but was left feeling a little miffed that the spanking wasn't quite the good girl spanking I'd expected. Confused, I thought about it for a long time, and the conclusion I came to was this. Because I'd been promised a good girl spanking for doing all that I was supposed to, that's what I'd prepared myself for. So when it was a little harder than a good girl spanking usually is, I got thrown off track. Now, had J said something like "I want to spank you and it's going to be hard, but it's not because you were bad, I just want to..." that would have been a different story. I believe I still would have been extremely turned on, because I mean .. that's hot. I love when he flexes his dominance. MMM. SO long story short, I think I just put myself into a mindset before it happened and it wasn't a flexible enough mindset to accept the harder swats / the loopy johnny being introduced. Is that weird?

The Awesome-ness Continues!

   So about a month ago, I get a letter from my OB's office saying that she left the practice and that the other doctor practicing there would be happy to take me on as her patient. Let me explain. I saw my normal doctor ONE time during this whole pregnancy, my very first prenatal visit at 12 weeks. She told me she would be on vacation the next month so I could schedule an appointment with the other doctor and then resume seeing her when she returned. That was in October. I haven't seen her since. I've been seeing the other doctor, whom I despise. She made me feel totally uncomfortable, and was extemely impersonal. So, I decided to find a different doctor instead of opting to see the other doctor in the practice. I found a new one, actually closer to my home. I saw her for the first time today, and I AM IN LOVE! She's really great. She's funny, she took the time to listen to me and ask me questions, and answer the questions that I had. She spoke to my husband, and included him, which was something the other doctor never did. J and I both feel so much more at ease with the new doctor. YAY!
   After my appointment, J took me to lunch. While we talked, he informed me that if I could get the majority of the nursery organized and put away (its taking me quite some time ... this kid has more clothes than his daddy and I put together!) then I'd be getting a good girl spanking tonight! ANOTHER ONE! Woo Hoo! I dont know what's gotten into this man, but if he wants to start giving me frequent good girl spankings, who am I to complain? I think he's starting to like this whole spanking thing a little more than he lets on! :) :) :)

That's fine with me!

Great Weekend

   This weekend was wonderful. My sister threw me an AMAZING baby shower on Saturday, and I got to see a bunch of friends and family that I haven't seen in quite a while. There was SO much food, and a whole mountain of gifts in the corner. It took us almost 2 hours to open them all ! We ended up with pretty much everything we need for the baby, we'll just need to pick up a few more things. It was great!
   A few of our close friends from the Vineyard came to spend the entire weekend with us, so we got to enjoy their company a little longer than everyone else's. We played games at our house and stayed up until ridiculous hours in the morning talking and joking around. It was awesome to be around everyone again.
   Since everyone was at our house until Sunday afternoon, we pushed maintenance back from Saturday to Sunday night. I was pretty sore (my hips have been hurting quite a bit lately), and I think J took that into account when telling me I could either choose a card, or let him do whatever he had in mind. I pondered for a few minutes over my choices, but was too nervous he was going to use the loopy so I decided to pick a card, since none of those feature that evil implement.
   He had me get up and get the cards from the drawer. I did, and brought them to him. He fanned them out in front of him like he usually does and I reached over and plucked one out. I quickly scanned it over and groaned.
   "Seriously?!" I whined. It was the SAME one as last time, with the cane, strap and paddle! I had flashbacks of the last spanking when I chose this card and shivered. That hurt!
   He took it from my hands and read it, then looked up at me, and put the card beside him on the bed. "I'm overriding that choice. Pick a different one," he ordered.
   Phew! I reached out and chose another one. This time it had sets with the little hair brush, the black strap, and the stick. I went back to the drawer and put away all the cards but the one defining the spanking and grabbed the implements. I laid them on the bed for J and got into position on the love seat.
   He delivered the spanking described on the card. It wasn't nearly as bad as the first card I chose would have been, and I was grateful for that. I needed a spanking, but not one that was going to reduce me to a sobbing mess. The spanking I got was just perfect.
   Today I got 25 fast smacks on each cheek before J left for work, just because :D I'm a happy girl today.

Tonight I'm seeing a movie with my sisters, then attempting to do some organizing and putting away of clothes in the nursery. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Taken Care of

   It's odd, how despite the dread I feel when I know I'm going to be punished, the relief and security I feel alongside it. I knew that I screwed up, which was the main reason I confessed to J about not sending the forms in. I could have just sent them yesterday without bringing it up, and if he ever asked if I sent them, I could have easily (and honestly) said yes. However, I also knew that I should have sent them probably last week, and I had made petty excuses about why I hadn't been able to fill them out and send them sooner. I deserved to be punished, because I hadn't taken his reminders to get it taken care of seriously. When I asked him to take control, and be the leader in our relationship, that meant that I was supposed to listen when he told me to do things, and I hadn't.

   After we'd had something to eat, sat together, and talked for a while, J asked me to get up and get him the cards. I did, and he fanned them out in front of his face, then held them out for me to choose one. I didn't take as much time this time as I usually do, and just plucked one of out of the group. Flipping it around, I read it. He asked what it said, and I handed it to him. He scoffed. "What the hell is this?!" he asked. "This is a wimpy one,"
   I shook my head. "You're the one who approved all the cards I wrote!" I cried defensively.
"I think you're getting off easily," he shook his head. "Go get the tools."

   I  got up, and went back to the drawer. I got the designated implements, and brought them to J, setting them on the bed beside him.
   Saying nothing, he nodded at the loveseat and I got into position, lowering my shorts.
   The cane hurt more than I expected it to. The strokes came fast and sharp, and I was trying to wiggle away before I knew what was happening. It was hard to control myself and I grasped at the couch to keep from putting my hands back. They wandered once or twice but I pulled them back in front of me just as quickly as they'd gone back. When he finished with the cane, I asked if I could hold on to my stuffed animal. (Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed animal, and sometimes during spankings I hold him so I'm not as tempted to put my hands back.) He graciously handed the stuffed animal to me. I have such a sweet hubby. The strap was terrible. It stung so bad and it was so hard for me to keep still and in position. It felt like it was falling on the same spot over and over, burning my skin. My right hand found a mind of it's own and flew back to protect my right cheek from the attacking strap. I heard J warn me to move my hand but I couldn't find the power to move it. Until the strap landed on my palm and suddenly, it wanted nothing but to be in front of me again.
   He delivered the rest of the strapping quickly and firmly.
   I was sobbing by the time it was over. I'd almost forgotten that the holey paddle was going to finish it off until it landed across the bottom of both my blazing cheeks. Thankfully there were only 15 total of those, and it was over soon enough. I cried into the back of the couch while J put the implements and the card back in the drawer. Then I felt him rubbing cream on my hot skin.
   He told me I could pull up my pants, and after I did, he pulled me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. He asked if I was okay.
   I was. I stayed in his arms while I cried, until I calmed down and my breathing had returned to almost normal. When I went to the bathroom, I peeked at my bum in the mirror and it was an angry red. Redder than I've seen it in a while. It was hot and tender to the touch. Coming back to our room, I climbed onto the bed and cuddled into J's arms.
   We talked about the spanking. I told him I hadn't expected it to hurt so bad, and he agreed that he hadn't thought I'd react that way either.

   Even though sometimes it's embarassing for me, and I always feel a little ashamed, it feels good to talk about punishments and all other kinds of spankings after they happen. I believe it helps me to be more open about my needs. It makes me feel connected to my husband, even more so than the spanking does.

Screwed Up

   First of all, my good girl spanking was wonderful. J told me I could pick whatever implement I wanted, so of course I pointed to his hand. He grinned, and told me to pick something else besides his hand, too. So I opened the drawer and took out the loopy he'd made me for valentines day (I dont think I wrote about this one). It's made of rope but the rope is very loose and soft, and it feels pretty good when he uses it. He's threatened to get rid of it, because he feels like it "doesn't do anything," but I keep pleading him not to because it actually feels nice. Anyway, he started with his hand and warmed me up, giving me light swats and then moved on to the rope loopy. He went back and forth between the two for a good while, stopping to rub and caress me.  It was so nice. Then he used the black strap which I usually hate, but he was gentle with it and the sting was delicious. I was so relaxed during the spanking and just kept my eyes closed, floating on the good feelings. Afterward, I showed him my appreciation ;)
   Here's where I screwed up. Yesterday afternoon, J had reminded me (yet again) to drop off my hospital forms in the mail. He'd been telling me for about a week to get them filled out and mailed so they'd have them in plenty of time. I had every intention of doing so, but when I went out, I forgot to bring them with me. I didn't even realize that I hadn't brought them with me until a few hours after I got home, and by then it was about 8-9 oclock. I knew I'd screwed up, especially because J had texted me from work to remind me to mail them, after reminding me during the day. ugh. I thought about telling him, but I knew if I did, my good girl spanking would be ruined and I'd end up getting punished instead of us being able to enjoy ourselves. So I kept it to myself and prayed he wouldnt ask me if I'd mailed them.  He didn't ask, so I didn't say anything, and we had an amazing night together.
   So, while I was laying in his lap this afternoon, (my favorite place to be) I casually said, "Oh, I've got to mail those forms out today."
    I could feel him tense beneath me. "What?" he asked. "You were supposed to mail those yesterday," he said.
    "I know, but I completely forgot. I was going to tell you, but I didn't want to ruin my good girl spanking..." I admitted. See? I'm not that bad, at least I admitted it, right?
    He chuckled. "You would've ruined it. You wouldn't have gotten a good girl spanking. But now you're getting a bad girl spanking tonight because you lied to me."
   "I didn't lie!" I protested. "You didn't ask,"
   "No, but you chose not to tell me on purpose. That's lying."

   Crap. So tonight, I have to choose a card when he gets home, which is going to be any minute so I probably should go. I'll tell you what, though...it'll be worth the punishment I get tonight, to have saved the good girl spanking I got last night!

Good Girl =]

   I have been feeling a little unraveled. I thought about asking for a spanking. I'd been toying with the idea all night, and to take my mind off things, I decided to do some cleaning/organizing in our bedroom. I cleared off the love seat again, since J and I decided it makes more sense to use that now for spankings (he's going to have me kneel on it) instead of lying over the pillow, since that has been getting uncomfortable. I did a bunch of laundry, which is another issue in our house because we simply don't have enough space to store all of our clothes. It's become a stressor for me because it clutters up the room, and it gets to the poitn where it's overwhelming because I want to do it, and keep it clean, but since we have no where to put it I feel there's no point. We have even gone through our clothes multiple times and donated a few bags of clothes we don't use much, and there is still no room! It's difficult to tackle, to say the least. I have convinced J to buy a cubeical organizer from Target for the room to store clothes in (We'll be getting it this weekend, I think) and I'm hoping that it will be enough to get all our clothess into a space, and off the floor. It took me about an hour and a half to get through everything, and about three hours to wash all the clothes but the room looks much better already! I had decided I was going to ask for a spanking when J got home, but when he did, I could see he was so tired (he hasn't slept well all week), that I didn't want to give him one more thing to do. He did seem pleased that I'd tackled the room clutter on top of doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen.
   This afternoon we were sitting together in the living room and I got up to get a drink. After I'd set my glass down on the table, he grabbed my wrist and gave me a swat, then pulled me over to him. I plopped down on the couch next to him, and leaned over for a kiss.
   "Do you know what you're getting tonight?" he asked.
   I felt a smile split my face. "What?" I replied.
   "A good girl spanking," he answered.
   Mmm. "I am?" I raised my eyebrows, blushing.
   He nodded. "Do you know why?" he wanted to know. When I shook my head, he continued. "You did a good job last night cleaning up in the room. If you feel inspired, you can vacuum."
   I was more than ecstatic, and agreed to vacuum the room, obviously. Now I won't even have to ask for a spanking, our room is going to look GREAT, and I'm getting a good girl spanking, which means hopefully there will be some lovin tonight too! :) I am a happy, happy girl.

Not to mention that we have practically finished the nursery, the crib mattress came in today, which means I can finally start getting things organized in the baby's room and ready for him!

Different Strokes for Different Folks

I have been thinking lately about all the different kinds of spankings that we have in our relationship. They each serve their own purpose, but all lend themselves to the common goal. For me, that's feeling safe, loved and secure in our relationship. For him, thats feeling accomplished in making me happy and meeting my needs, and feeling loved and respected. At least that's what I hope he feels.

There are good girl spankings, when I've done something good that wasn't necessarily expected of me, or when I go above and beyond what I was supposed to, or just when overall I've been good. I love love LOVE good girl spankings. They start out slow and soft, gradually building intensity and pace. There's lots of rubbing, and special touches. Generally, I can take much more during a good girl spanking than I can during a punishment. Afterward I feel warm and connected to my hubby, and always in a touchy feely mood. There is almost always love making after this kind of spanking.

Then there are bad girl or punishment spankings. These, I don't like so much. In fact, the only thing I do like about them is that they clear the air, and assauge my guilt for whatever particular thing I am being punished for. I tend to put up walls during a punishment spanking, and I fight the pain. In order for that wall to be broken down and my feelings met head on, I need to be reached on an emotional/psychological level. I need to be spoken to, to hear why I'm being punished, and to be told that I am expected to do what I am told. It is harder for me to keep position. I wiggle more, my hands come back, my feet come up..I don't mean to, I think subconsciously it's my way of trying to maintain even the smallest shred of control. I need to feel more dominance from J in these situations, than in a good girl spanking because I almost need to be forced to let go of control.

There are maintenance spankings each Saturday (or Sunday depending on our schedules) night. These serve to keep me on track. I need to be spanked fairly regularly, and I get sad and floaty when I'm not. These help with that immensely. We also usually address smaller issues (like being sassy etc) during these spankings if need be. They help remind us both of our roles, and reconnect us after a long week.

We also have spankings that fit into neither of these categories. There's what I call the quickie spanking, a dozen or two or three swats before J goes to work. He often tells me they're so I'll remember. Sometimes it's so I'll remember to be good, or do something I'm asked. Sometimes it's to remember how much he loves me. These are my absolutely favorite spankings. They leave my bottom stinging but not sore, and I feel warm and glowy for quite some time after he leaves. I feel clear headed and balanced, and more motivated to do things throughout the day/night while he's gone. It helps me focus. Then we have spankings when I am stressed out, overwhelmed, or sad. These particular emotions tend to be heavier at times than I can handle, and the longer they go unchecked, the stronger of a hold they have on me. I get swept away and I need to be spanked to pull me back out of the swirling tornado. We don't have a name for these spankings, but both of us are getting better at identifying when they are needed. They tend to be more intense and often more severe than a punishment spanking, but they have a significantly different atmosphere to them. It is a safe place for me to face these emotions, to handle them without fearing that they will over power me, knowing that J is there and that we will deal with them together. I can allow myself to deal with it and move on, to let go.

After every spanking, whether it be a good girl, a punishment, or a stress relief, J always holds me and tells me he loves me. Often he'll rub lotion on if it was a particularly hard spanking, or if I ask him to. Even after a quickie spanking I'll get a kiss and the reaffirmation that I am loved.



I realize that just as every relationship is different, TTWD has a different meaning in each relationship. It is molded and reformed to fit the needs of the people involved. Some couples only have discipline spankings. Some only have fun ones, and others yet have more types than I have mentioned here. Thats what makes it special, I think. Each dynamic is different and works for all of us in different ways, but underneath, were all the same.