Sitting Tenderly

     I'm not sure if he's been reading here again. It almost seems that way, because it's like he's inside my head. I feel so in sync and connected with him, it's pretty amazing.
     Last night was maintenance, and it was definitely not the experience I was expecting at all. It was extremely intense, painful, and it was exactly what I needed. J somehow knew just what to do. He originally told me he wanted me "butt in the air" again, but agreed when I asked if I could please lie over a pillow. Thankfully, because I could not have taken that spanking in that position.
     There was no warm up. He used the strap. It was long, and hard. It took a lot to break through the big, strong walls I'd built up around my extreme emotions. He did start over my pants, but they didn't stay up long...neither did my panties.
     I had a little problem with keeping my hands away from my backside. I really did try, but it hurt so darn bad!
     The first time my hand went back, J ordered me to take it away, then delivered two hard whacks to my backside. "For putting your hands back," he said and returned to task. This might have happened another time after that, too. *sigh* He switched to the hair brush a short time later. On my already so sore bottom, it hurt. A lot! Those pesky hands, well, they found their way back again. I think I even said, "please!"
     "Move them." he said firmly.
     My stomach flip flopped as I quickly thought about my choices. I desperately wanted to protect my backside from any more attention, however, I wanted to do what J said. As he was repeating his demand for me to move my hands, I slowly pulled them away from my butt.
     Two more fast, hard swats fell, then his deep voice spoke sternly. "The reason I punish you more when  you put your hands back is beacuse you could get hurt if I accidentally hit your hand."
     Believe it or not (yes, you might call me crazy) my heart soared when he said those words to me. Part of that big, strong wall crumbled. What I heard was he was punishing me because he cared. He didn't want me to be hurt. I didn't put my hands back again the entire spanking, even though at times it felt like I couldn't stop myself...but I did. I felt myself let go a little, and I finally stopped resisting the spanking and just absorbed the swats, accepted the pain. When that big, strong wall I'd built finally fell down, all the emotions I'd buried behind it came flowing out. It was relieving, a weight lifted from my shoulders. It felt good to let it all go. I sobbed. Even after the spanking ended and J held me tight in his arms, kissing me and comforting me, I could not stop crying. I had so much intense emotion that I'd pushed aside because I dont know how to deal with it.
     He helped me deal with it. He reminded me that he was there, a strong force in my life. He showed me that I could be vulnerable with him and show him my feelings and that he would protect me, and make me feel loved. He did this all, just by spanking me.

     I think this was my hardest spanking to date. Usually, an hour or so after being spanked, you wouldnt even be able to tell I was spanked at all. Not last night. I could definitely feel it hours later. I didn't even go to the bathroom to look at my bum, which I usually do, too. I didn't want to see. This morning, and well into the day, I felt it every time I sat down. It wasn't pleasant, but I liked it. Weird? Maybe. But its true.
     He gave me a few solid swats "just to warm me up," and just a few made my butt burn like crazy!
     OMG. I have never experienced anything like this before! I have never ever EVER been sore the next day. Tender (if spanked again) maybe, but not sore like I could feel it without it even being touched. People, if this man ever decides he's going to start holding me accountable and really punishing me for things ... I'm in some serious trouble. OUUUUUCCHH. Having said all of that, I am so thankful that J was able to read me, and gave me exactly what I needed, even though it was hard on both of us. He is such an amazing, wonderful man and I really am so lucky that I am his.

Ask, and you shall receive

   While J was at work last night, we had a text conversation where I asked him to spank me (again!) last night. I'd been spanked three out of the four previous nights, and I was feeling a little insecure about asking for more. I explained to him that I wasn't sure why but lately I'd been feeling like I needed a spanking every day. He was very receptive, and promised me a spanking when he got home.
   He still wasn't feeling that great (his neck has been bothering him, causing him to have terrible headaches), and I felt guilty that he was going to have to deal with spanking me on top of his pain.
   I almost told him he could wait til the morning, since usually he feels better earlier in the day, but once we went into the bedroom, he set the alarm clock, then went straigjht to the drawer. Ok, I guess we're on, I thought, just a little nervously. I saw him pull out the black strap and felt the pit in the bottom of my stomach start gurgling.
   "Do you want to lay down or kneel on the couch?" he asked gently.
   "I think my belly's too big to lay down, now .. so I'll kneel," I replied, grabbing my stuffed animal and making my way to the couch. I got into position, grasping my Stitch in front of me, resting my face in his belly.
   "Take your pants down," J ordered.
   I reached back and pulled them down, my legs quivering in anticipation. I knew this was what I asked for, but I was still nervous about it. Quickly I grabbed onto my furry blue animal and buried my face.
   He did not start off easy. The strokes were measured and crisp. He'd give me about ten or so on each, alternating sides, then pause for a few seconds before starting again. The tv was acting up (stupid Charter) so he'd give me a set, then get up and tinker with it, flipping the box on and off, then come back and give me another set. After only about three of these, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would. I really think that the breaks and pauses made all the difference. Lately, my spankings had been straight through, really no breaks to speak of, so I'd spent the entire time fighting the pain (and the emotions I was bottling up at the same time). When there was a pause in pain, the emotions starting surging against my walls, slowly cracking them and finally gushing through. He finally got the tv working and now stood beside me as I sobbed silently into my stuffed animal, bringing the strap down again and again on my burning butt.
   I kept thinking it had to be almost over, since usually my spankings end pretty soon after I start crying. But it didnt, the strap just kept coming down. Finally, after about 5-7 more sets, he stopped, and went to the drawer. I assumed he was putting the strap away and getting some lotion for me, but when he came back, fire lashed across my backside and I squealed, more tears pouring from my eyes.
   He'd gotten the loopy johnny. He brought it down rapid fire maybe 10 or 12 times before I threw my hand back.
   I'd tried so hard to keep them in front of me, but something about that God-awful implement steals my common sense and I just cant help myself. "Owwww," I sobbed.
   "I'm going to give you 35 more on each and then it'll be done, okay?"
   I just whimpered.
   "Move your hand, baby." he ordered.
   I did, and sobbed through the last part of my spanking. It hurt so bad, I kept thinking to myself this is what I get for asking for a spanking. When it was finally over, he put the loopy away and sat down on the bed, calling me to him. I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I went over and I looked like a hot mess. My hair was sticking to my wet cheeks, my make up running down in black rivers. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped my face and blew my nose, then went to J. I climbed into bed with him and he wrapped me in his arms.
   He kissed me, and asked if I was okay.
   Still crying, I assured him I was okay, and snuggled against his chest.
   He asked if that helped, and I nodded.
   It did. It hurt like hell at the time, but it was just what I needed to pull myself from the funk. As I lay in his arms, drawing deep breaths of air, I felt myself returning to a sense of calm. Everything was perfect.

Better than Ever

   I wanted to thank those of you that commented and showed your support while I was having a "troubling" moment with J. It's reassuring knowing that we're not the only ones going through this and that it's all part of the growing process. Things are wonderful now and I feel he's grown much more confident in his role after we talked. There were things that needed addressing and now that they've been "taken care of" so to speak, I believe he's more at ease. I have to remember that things are not going to magically happen over night, and that TTWD is a gradual process.
   I had to choose a card for our maintenance spanking last night. Lets just say I wish I'd never told him about those stupid cards in the first place! LOL just kidding .. but I was still so sore (and a little bruised) from the loopy spanking on thursday, so when I drew the card with all three straps on it, I was pissed! Just my luck. Anyway, it was 20 on each cheek with the doubled pink strap with my panties on, 30 on each cheek with the black strap, panties on, and 40 on each with the five fingered strap BARE! ouch. I definitely was sore afterwards.

After the spanking, J said, "You know what I forgot to do?" I shook my head. "I forgot to make cards including the loopy Johnny," he said, turning toward me to see what my reaction would be . I just shook my head. "You know what else I'm going to do?" he asked, a gleam in his eye. "No, what?" I wondered. "I'm going to make three new cards, including the loopy on them, and get rid of a few that are less effective that we have in the pile already." At this, I raised an eyebrow. "There aren't less effective ones in there! What are you talking about?" He smiled. "Yes, they're all less effective than the loopy." I groaned. "I think the loopy should be reserved for punishment only," I told him. "Because it really hurts." He thought a moment, then said, "Okay, here's what I'm going to do. We'll keep the cards we have already, for whenever I want to use them. I'm going to make new cards for real punishments. But I might add a few swats with the loopy to some cards we already have." Who is this man?!

I must say, I'm extremely happy with the way things are in my life right now. I have to remind myself every so often that we are tackling a lot in this one year. On top of navigating the DD realm of things, we are still adjusting to married life. We are learning every day new things about each other. We are getting ready for the birth of our first child. We are dealing with the financial burden of only having one income, and the feelings that I have resulting in this. I have worked at the same place (child care center) since I graduated high school. I miss it a lot, even despite the stress and what at times felt like very unfair treatment. Though we get by, there are times that we struggle. I feel very guilty about this during those times, because I feel that it wouldn't be so tough if I were contributing. Although it was J's idea for me to leave my job because of the stress it was putting on me, and the fact that we both feel I should be home with our son for the beginning of his life, I wish that I could help out. I know that once Silas is here, I will feel more useful because I will be taking care of our child but right now, it's something I struggle with. And all this before our first anniversary has even hit! (With any luck, the boy will be here before our anniversary, he's due the day before :p ) I am lucky to have such an understanding, supportive man as my husband. I know there are many spanko women out there who would kill to have a husband willing to do any and everything to make spanking work in their relationship. I realize there are men out there who are too uncomfortable with the idea to even try, or who are completely pushed away by the idea that their woman would want a relationship like this. I am grateful that my man puts so much effort into TTWD, and our marriage in general. I love my life! This turned into quite the rambling so I'll be leaving now :)

losing ground

I have no idea what happened last night. We were laying in bed together, and I reached over and pinched J's arm, in hopes to provoke a little spanking. He yanked the covers off me and gave me a solid smack. I turned my face up to him, smiling a little.
    "Do you want another one?" he asked.
    I nodded.
     "Just one?" he pushed.
     I shook my head. "No sir."
     He started swatting my backside, making it sting nicely. After a moment he asked, "Go get the black strap,"
    "Nooo," I whined. "It hurts too much.."
    "It's too much work to use my hand the whole time. It hurts my arm," he explained. "Can I use something?"
    "Yeah, just not the strap,"
    "Fine, I won't use the black one." he agreed, getting up off the bed.
     "NO! Not the other one, either." I pouted, "they hurt too much now." I have been super sensitive lately, and the leather is just too much. This was supposed to be a fun spanking, not a punishment.
      Still, he brought the doubled pink strap. He sat beside me and told me I was getting 80 on each cheek.
      I moaned, burying my face in the pillow in front of me. After about 30 on one cheek I was wiggling around, it stung so much! I couldn't keep myself still, it reall hurt. I put my feet up to block my butt.
     "Move your feet," he said, but I didn't. He sighed, and laid back down on the bed. He didn't say a word, and as I lay over the pillows waiting for him to say or do something, the silence enveloped me and I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole.
      Tears started streaming down my cheeks because I had no idea what I had done to make him so upset with me, and I felt like spanking me was becoming a burden to him. Just as I was about to put my pillows back in place and just lay down for bed, he sat back up and started strapping me again.
       He said nothing until he'd completed the 80 on both cheeks (through which I'd done my very best to stay still and keep my feet down despite the nearly unbearable burn). When he'd finished, he laid back and said, "There's your 80." there was nothing else after it, no hugs, no rubbing, no words.
       I felt crushed. I didn't know what was happening, but this didn't feel right. This didn't feel like our usual spankings, even play ones, when he would pull me to him and kiss me and tell me he loved me. I just moved my pillows back in place and curled up against them, facing away from him. I let my tears fall silently down my cheeks, hoping that he wouldn't notice I was crying.

This morning things felt alright between us, and he kissed me and told me he loved me before he left to finish a painting job he'd begun with his brother yesterday. However, I am still so confused and slightly hurt over what happened. I don't know how to bring it up to him, or even to explain why I felt/feel hurt.

The Luckiest (:

    There was no spanking Sunday night. Jack was too tired and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Monday morning I slept in, cuddling with Jack until about 10:00 :)
We got up and had cereal for breakfast, and played with our dog for a while in the living room. We made a delicious Salad together for lunch, and after we finished eating, Jack got up from the couch and put the dog in her crate.
    "Come on," he said, walking into the bedroom.
    I followed him in, and saw the hairbrush and the five-fingered strap already laid out on the bed. My heart dropped. "Are you serious?" I asked, fear pumping through my body.
     We sat down on the bed together and he looked at me. "What?" he asked, grinning widely.
    "Those are the worst ones..." I murmured, looking up at him, pleading with my eyes.
     "Which one do you want me to start with?" he asked.
    "Your hand?" I said hopefully. When I saw him raise his eyebrow I quickly continued, "I won't bruise as much if you start with your hand...."
     He shook his head. "Which one of these do you want me to start with?" he repeated, his tone more firm than the last time.
     "Baaaabe, why can't you start with your hand?" I whined. "Pleasee!"
     "Alright, I'll start with the hairbrush," he decided, holding it up. His stern eyes gripped mine. "It's not your rules, babe." he reminded me. As I nodded he added, "it's about loss of control, so stop trying to gain it."
     I hung my head. "Yes sir." I got up and changed out of my sweatpants, pulling on thin pajama pants instead, knowing he wouldnt allow me to wear sweatpants to be spanked in.
    "Lay down. You can lay on the bed if you want," he offered. (Usually for these spankings he makes me bend over the arm of the couch in our room but I had killer cramps yesterday :( .. hes a good hubby!)
     "Thank you," I said, piling the pillows and laying over them. I held onto my stuffed animal and closed my eyes.
    He started out with hard spanks right from the start, and after only about 4 or 5 swats I was wiggling like crazy. He kept bringing that darn brush down over and over again.
    I felt him pulling my pajama pants down and knew that soon, that evil brush would be coming down on my panties. I squeezed my eyes shut and did my best to hold my hands in front of me, and did pretty well doing so until he started using the five fingered strap.
     After about a minute or so of that my bottom was aching and burning, and I threw my hands back to protect myself. "OW OW pleasee," I begged.
     "Go to the drawer and get me the black strap please," he ordered.
     I happily jumped up off the pillows, glad for a break, and kicked off my pants so I could walk across the room .I went to the drawer and got the black strap.
     "While you're there you might as well get the big paddle, also." Jack's voice said roughly behind me.
     I grabbed that, too, walking back to the bed slowly and handing them to my husband. I couldnt help but think how goddamn sexy he was, even if he was about to paddle my ass! 
     He gave me a smile. Mmm how I looooveeee that smile. "Get back over, sweetie." he nodded at the pillow pile.
     I climbed back over, adjusting myself so my bottom was a perfect target for him. Before I knew what was happening, both straps were coming down relentlessly on my sore, tender backside. It hurt like hell and I burst into tears before even a minute had passed of this, and he just kept going. I cried softly, hoping I wasn't sobbing to noticably (because in some sick way, I didn't want him to stop yet). All I could think about was how much it hurt and that the paddle was out and hadn't been used yet. I squeezed my stuffed animal as hard as I could, lying still and just crying.
     He picked up the paddle and gave me a couple of hearty smacks, causing me to cry out loudly. "Okay babe, ten on each cheek with this and that'll be the end," he said gently, giving my back a tender caress before beginning the whacks. Left, then right, left then right, he counted up to ten swats on each side, then gave me a couple with his hand for good measure.
     I laid over the pillows sobbing while he got up and put the weapons away.
     He came around to me, sitting beside me. "Come here my baby," he murmured, taking me into his arms. He brushed the hair from my face and kissed my tears off my cheeks. "Are you okay love?"
     I nodded. "Yes sir," I whispered. "I love you."
     "I love you too, baby."
     "It didn't take long, today. I was bawling in no time. Usually I can hold out waay longer than that," I told him.
      He nodded, smiling sweetly. "I know, baby. It was the combination of both straps that overwhelmed you. Before you could recover from the first one the other strap had already hit you. How do you feel?"
      "Sore, and HOT, but better." I smiled contentedly. "I love you soo much!"
      While we argued over who loved the other more, I knew in my head that it's probably he who loves me more. He definitely puts up with way more things (and loves me despite them!) than I do. It is moments like these, however, that I know that our love will only grow and strengthen over time.  I really must be the luckiest girl in the world.