Better than Ever

   I wanted to thank those of you that commented and showed your support while I was having a "troubling" moment with J. It's reassuring knowing that we're not the only ones going through this and that it's all part of the growing process. Things are wonderful now and I feel he's grown much more confident in his role after we talked. There were things that needed addressing and now that they've been "taken care of" so to speak, I believe he's more at ease. I have to remember that things are not going to magically happen over night, and that TTWD is a gradual process.
   I had to choose a card for our maintenance spanking last night. Lets just say I wish I'd never told him about those stupid cards in the first place! LOL just kidding .. but I was still so sore (and a little bruised) from the loopy spanking on thursday, so when I drew the card with all three straps on it, I was pissed! Just my luck. Anyway, it was 20 on each cheek with the doubled pink strap with my panties on, 30 on each cheek with the black strap, panties on, and 40 on each with the five fingered strap BARE! ouch. I definitely was sore afterwards.

After the spanking, J said, "You know what I forgot to do?" I shook my head. "I forgot to make cards including the loopy Johnny," he said, turning toward me to see what my reaction would be . I just shook my head. "You know what else I'm going to do?" he asked, a gleam in his eye. "No, what?" I wondered. "I'm going to make three new cards, including the loopy on them, and get rid of a few that are less effective that we have in the pile already." At this, I raised an eyebrow. "There aren't less effective ones in there! What are you talking about?" He smiled. "Yes, they're all less effective than the loopy." I groaned. "I think the loopy should be reserved for punishment only," I told him. "Because it really hurts." He thought a moment, then said, "Okay, here's what I'm going to do. We'll keep the cards we have already, for whenever I want to use them. I'm going to make new cards for real punishments. But I might add a few swats with the loopy to some cards we already have." Who is this man?!

I must say, I'm extremely happy with the way things are in my life right now. I have to remind myself every so often that we are tackling a lot in this one year. On top of navigating the DD realm of things, we are still adjusting to married life. We are learning every day new things about each other. We are getting ready for the birth of our first child. We are dealing with the financial burden of only having one income, and the feelings that I have resulting in this. I have worked at the same place (child care center) since I graduated high school. I miss it a lot, even despite the stress and what at times felt like very unfair treatment. Though we get by, there are times that we struggle. I feel very guilty about this during those times, because I feel that it wouldn't be so tough if I were contributing. Although it was J's idea for me to leave my job because of the stress it was putting on me, and the fact that we both feel I should be home with our son for the beginning of his life, I wish that I could help out. I know that once Silas is here, I will feel more useful because I will be taking care of our child but right now, it's something I struggle with. And all this before our first anniversary has even hit! (With any luck, the boy will be here before our anniversary, he's due the day before :p ) I am lucky to have such an understanding, supportive man as my husband. I know there are many spanko women out there who would kill to have a husband willing to do any and everything to make spanking work in their relationship. I realize there are men out there who are too uncomfortable with the idea to even try, or who are completely pushed away by the idea that their woman would want a relationship like this. I am grateful that my man puts so much effort into TTWD, and our marriage in general. I love my life! This turned into quite the rambling so I'll be leaving now :)

Heeeeee's Baaaackk!

          Wednesday night, we talked as we lay in bed. He told me that he understood that sometimes it's easier for me to communicate through written word rather than verbally, but that it is not that way for him. He pointed out that if he asks me a direct question, I had better answer it right then and there because it wasn't fair for me to brush it off like it's nothing, and be upset about it for days, leaving him wondering what the hell happened. I felt terrible for my part in all this. He was completely right. I had been thinking only of myself in those situations, and how could I expect him to do right by me if he had no idea what was right? He kissed me and accepted my endless apologies, and held me close to his body. Everything felt good again.
            I was supposed to go to the gym on Wednesday. A few weeks ago, after my last dr appointment when they expressed concern about my weight gain during this pregnancy, J and I decided that I should be going to the gym 3 times a week, no excuses. I asked J to help me with this, since I'd been trying to go to the gym a few times a week already, and usually only made it once. I had the best intentions, with no motivation to back me up. He agreed, and we decided to make up a gym plan at the beginning of each week, and unless otherwise approved by J, I was to stick to that plan. Anyway, to shorten this rambling and get to the point, I didn't end up going Wednesday. I didn't do it intentionally, I just didn't think about it. When J got home from work that night, though, he asked me if I went, and I just shook my head. Not thinking it was a big deal, I said "No, I'll go tomorrow instead."
             He gave me a look, one that I havent seen in a while, and replied, "Are you testing me, woman?"
             I shook my head fiercely. "No..." I really wasn't! I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
             "Why didn't you go, then?" he wanted to know.
              "Honey, I just didn't think about it." I shrugged.
              The subject was dropped, and I thought I'd heard the last of it.

              He reminded me yesterday morning that I needed to go to the gym to make up for Wednesday. I agreed, even though I didn't feel like going. However, I dragged myself anyway, knowing if I didn't, there wouldn't be enough days left in the week for me to fit in my mandatory three.
               After, I went to the bank and paid our bills, then to the grocery store to get some ingredients we didn't have at home so I could make dinner. When I got home I made corn muffins to have with dinner (J's favorite), and banana bread with the brown bananas on the counter. I was pretty much exhausted by the time he got home (it doesnt take much these days!) and I laid on the couch while he worked in the nursery for a little bit. Then of course I got up to make dinner, and we ate together. We had a nice night.
                When he'd finished up for the night in the nursery, he went and showered, and then retreated to the bedroom for a minute. I figured he needed to grab a shirt or something, so I didn't pay any attention. He came back, and we watched American Idol, and played with our dog for a while. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the loopy johnny on top of the mantle. How the hell did I miss that being brought out? My heart started to beat loudly in my ears, but I didn't want to draw attention to the fact I knew it was there. I didnt want to hasten my fate. Soon after my noticing the evil implement, J got up and put the dog in her crate for the night. Coming back into the living room, he grabbed the loopy off the mantle and ordered me to come kneel on the loveseat beside him, to put my arms on the back of it.
                   I did that, and he started whacking me with it. This was not a play spanking. HOLY CRAP that thing hurts! I couldn't stay still for the life of me, and I tried really hard. We had to move because I was almost hitting my head on the wall behind the loveseat. On the bigger couch, I had the bay window to lean on. There was a blanket up there I balled up in my fist and buried my face in. I could hear J talking and I struggled to focus on what he was saying.
                "Why didn't you go to the gym yesterday??" he asked, not slowing his assault any.
                I could hear the damn thing whistle before it struck my burning skin. "I dont knoooow," I wailed.
               "Was it intentional?"
               "Noo," I felt like I was literally on fire, each stroke searing my poor defenseless butt.
                Then he announced I'd be getting 45 on each cheek to start. I tried to wrap my mind around that. To start. I didn't know how much of this I could take. It was freaking intense. I couldn't keep my hands in front of me and had to be reminded quite a few times. Thank God he didn't give me extra for that, but I think he knew I really was trying to. I just couldn't. After that set, I was panting and tears stung my eyes. I wasn't exactly crying yet, but it took a moment to catch my breath. He asked me if I was going to go to the gym on time, when I was supposed to.
                   "Yes sir," I murmured.
                    "Okay. Now you're going to get 60 on each cheek." He lectured through these 120 swats about getting to the gym on my scheduled day, and going through him if I wanted to change days for any reason. Of course, he was right. Every time I'd asked to switch days he's approved it, so I should have just asked. Then he pointed out that I'd asked him to make sure I go three times a week, and thats exactly what he was going to do.
                      By the end of that set I was crying. He told me I could relax for a minute and take a break. He held me and asked if I was doing okay. I told him that I was, and snuggled into his chest for a minute. Once I'd calmed down, he told me to get back up for the rest. I was going to get 75 more on each and then I'd be done. It was intense. I cried, and squirmed, and my hands came back a few times again, but he just sternly told me to get them out of the way. When it was over I was sobbing, and he held me, kissing my hair. He told me he loved me, and we cuddled together and watched some more tv.

                      Even though my butt is bruised and still sore, I feel better. Things feel right again. I'll tell you one thing, I certainly won't be missing any more gym appointments. I NEVER want to be spanked with that loopy again. Ever.

emotional night

So after a LONG, emotional day, I finally wrote J an email telling him that I needed a spanking. The kind of spanking that forced me to complete submission, the kind where I must totally let go. This is something I haven't had in quite a while. I apologized for not telling him during maintenance, when he'd asked. I thought this would make things better, but I was wrong. After reading the email, J seemed angry, and he told me he wanted me to just communicate verbally. I could tell he was a little frustrated and he burst out, telling me he was confused and didn't know what to do, because every time is different. It's either too hard or it's not enough or it's too much and it hurts. He said, "I probably should know, and I'm sorry beceause I just don't. I don't know when I'm wrong or when I'm right or anything." I was shocked, because I felt like things had been going very well lately, I just needed the kind of spanking that would bring me to tears. It's not something I need every time and I had been enjoying and benefiting from our recent spankings. After a spanking that was particularly good or when I felt like everything went right, I usually make a point to tell him the next day, "last nights spanking was really good," or something along those lines. I didn't even know what to say, I was consumed with my emotion and I just cried.

I felt so disconnected from him and like I'd let him down by not helping him through this and telling/showing him what I needed. I wanted to tell him to just forget it, that I didn't want TTWD anymore. Part of me still wants to say that. However, I know that I wouldn't be happy with that, and I know it will be beneficial for us to work through it. I just don't know right now what he needs from me to make this okay. I don't know how to give him what he needs without diminishing what I need. I need to feel his control, his dominance. If I'm the one calling the shots, I don't feel that. It feels like I'm the one in charge, and that doesn't help me let go. I feel so lost right now. I still haven't been spanked. I'm sure he didn't know if he was supposed to do that last night, I'm not sure either of us were in the right mind for it. I don't know how to communicate verbally. I'm not good with spoken word, especially with things that are important. My thoughts get tangled up and I can't make the right words come out. When I write, it's easier for me to communicate what exactly I'm trying to say. I want to write a note to J, because I know that's the only way that I'll be able to tell him what I'm thinking and feeling right now. However, I don't want to upset him further by not tackling this issue verbally. I don't even know what to say. On top of this, I have to go with my sister this afternoon to take my family cat to be put down. I picked him out when I was 3 years old and he's toughed it out this long. It's going to be very sad putting him down, even though I know it's best for him. I've got a lot on my plate today, and I'm feeling like I can't possibly balance it all.

the need to be broken

I got my maintenance spanking last night. It hurt, but I didn't get to the level that I needed to be at. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. I still do. I feel like my walls are slowly coming back up and I don't know how to get through them and each time we try to break them down through spanking and don't succeed, the stronger they get.

After J declared that the spanking was over, my insides closed up. He could sense something was not right, and asked me if I was okay. I told him that yes, I was okay. I didn't know how to explain that I needed more. I didn't want to ask for more, he gives me so much already. I was torn between what I so desperately needed and my desire to just be content with what I'd been given. He even asked, "Did I not spank you long enough?" he sounded defeated, like he'd failed. I didn't want him to feel like he'd failed, because that's not how I viewed it. I just needed more, and I felt selfish for it. I still need it, and I don't know how to ask without seeming or feeling selfish.


AAAAHHHH! I just want to scream.

overdue

I am well overdue. Since about Wednesday, I've been feeling the need. I can't really describe the feeling, other than to say I just know it's there. It nags at me, begs me to fill it. I get sassy. I have an attitude about me that is not quite disrespectful, but dangerously close. I need to talk to J about it. I know that, but I keep putting it off. I am afraid of overwhelming him. So far he's done a pretty good job of keeping my spanking need satiated. I don't want to ask too much. Anyway, I've been looking forward to today since Wednesday (Saturday is our scheduled weekly maintenance day). So imagine my disappointment when we get into bed and it hasn't so much as been mentioned once today. I wasn't about to bring it up. Somehow, that ruins it. So, I rolled over and tried to put it out of my mind, although it was all I could think about. He could still remember. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He knew I wasn't telling him the truth but he didn't push it. Finally, he said, "I didn't forget your spanking," my hopes rose, ever so slightly. "you're getting it tomorrow," he continued. "I'm really sore today."

I felt like a bomb went off inside me. I just nodded, fighting off the tears that wanted so badly to rush down my face. I don't know why it felt so much worse when he said I wasn't getting it today, but tomorrow. I just need it. Bad. I feel empty now. He's been asleep for almost two hours, and I've just been lying beside him in the dark, unable to sleep. What's the matter with me? I know I'll get it tomorrow but right now, it feels like forever away. I am exhausted, but can't sleep. I need to be spanked :(

Rant over. Hopefully it'll happen sooner in the day rather than later. Our roommate is away for a week so we don't have to worry about him. Hope everyone's weekend is going great!

Random things about US :)

So, I stole this idea from Tammy :)

Heres a few things about us:

- I am irrationally afraid of needles. Like to the point that my chest has broken out in hives and my face gets blotchy when I'm sitting in the chair waiting for the needle to break the skin. I've gotten better, and J tries to go to all my appointments with me, especially ones where we know I'll have to deal with a needle, and having him there helps.

- I'm addicted to reality tv. Teen mom, Jersey Shore, American Idol .. I'm captivated.

- It's much easier to express my thoughts in writing than spoken word. Especially when it's something important that I'm trying to get across, for some reason I can never think of the right words if I'm speaking but put a computer or piece of paper and a pen in front of me and it all just flows out.

- What I'm looking forward to most about the baby coming is being able to see J be a daddy :)

- I hate coffee.

- J is a man's man through and through. He's good with his hands, can build pretty much anything, and is tall, broad and muscular. But he's also artistic, (he paints VERY well, walls/houses/creatively) and sweet. He's a lot more romantic than people would expect.

- I love children. If we could afford to have 15 kids, I totally would.

- My favorite color is green, purple is a close second.

- I have gained WAAAYY too much in this pregnancy, and I'm terrified I won't lose it once the baby is born. Sometimes I fear that J won't find me as attractive as he did before.

- Sometimes I think I need two maintenance spankings a week, because by the middle of the week I get so cranky and just feel like I need a spanking, but I don't want to ask J because I feel like I ask too much of him already.

- I am very close with my siblings and extended family. (my mom was the youngest of 12, so I have a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins.)

- I consider myself to be an extremely lucky person. I couldn't imagine living my life any other way.

Thinking about tears & crying

I was on Fetlife today and read a thread that got me thinking about tears. I used to seldom cry during a spanking, and it happened even less often when I was actually being punished. I can take quite a bit when I'm being spanked, even if I feel like it's too much. I can't process any emotions or think about why I'm being spanked, because my mind focuses on fighting the pain, and not the actual reason for it. I cry much more often now, because J will give me sets of swats. Now that I have a minute or two between sets when my backside isn't being assaulted, I have time to consider what I've done, or the emotions I've got inside that I need to release, and I'm able to process these. The tears come even sooner when J talks to me in between sets about why I'm being spanked (if it's punishment), or about my sadness/grief/stress etc. I enjoy fun, erotic spankings that don't result in tears, but once in a while, this girl just needs to cry!

So, I'm curious to hear about everyone else's experiences. Do you cry often? Every time? Not at all? What elements to a spanking assist/hinder your process of getting to the point of tears?

Nursery

So yesterday we had our 3D ultrasound in the morning and it was AMAZING. Getting to see our little man's face, his cute little lips and button nose, his precious fingers, and toes ... I couldn't begin to explain to you how it felt. He is simply beautiful. I cant wait to meet him in just a few short months! The ultrasound tech was shocked at how much he moves around and beats me up in there :p

After the ultrasound we came home and started to paint the nursery .. can I just say .. I LOVE IT! It's not finished yet, but we finished the base coats and J finished one wall of the rag technique. I cant wait for it to be finished, so we can put the crib up and have his nursery all ready for him!

Here are some pictures :

 

 

 

Honesty Pays

            When J and I first started this journey a little over a year ago, we started out slow. There were aspects that he wasn't entirely comfortable with, and he took control little by little. Up until the no texting and driving rule, I hadn't had any specific expectations put upon me. It went without saying that whatever he asked of me was to be done, and I was to treat him respectfully, but he'd never made those rules. Like I said, they went without saying. So when he decided to put his foot down and make it clear that I was not to text and drive anymore, it felt good. (This was something I did quite often, on a daily basis. I've become an expert at texting without even looking at the keyboard, so I didn't consider it dangerous, though I know that it can be. Something unexpected could happen if my eyes slip away from the road for one moment. I just never thought about it that way before.) I didn't think it would be hard to stop. He voiced his concern that if I didn't tell him that I hadn't followed the rule, that he would never know if I'd broken it. I agreed, and I even wrote out a "pact" to him on a piece of paper, that he now carries in his wallet. It said something along the lines of I promise to not text and drive anymore, and I also promise that if I ever break this pact, I will be honest and tell J anytime it happens, and signed my name.
            Yesterday was a terrible day. I was emotional and pre-occupied and just having one of those days. So when he texted me, and I picked up my phone, I thought nothing of it. It wasn't until I'd hit send that I realized what I'd just done. I hated the thought that I'd broken a promise I made to J. I was afraid that he was going to feel let down by me, disappointed. I hate disappointing anyone, but especially him. I knew that he was already having an awful day, and didn't want to add to his frustration by telling him what I'd done. I considered not telling him at all, after all, I'd worked hard at keeping my promise, and I really hadn't meant to disobey him. However, judging how I felt about breaking the pact, I knew my guilt would eat me from the inside out, and I'd end up confessing at a later time, getting myself into trouble not only for the texting, but for meaning to keep it from him. So then, I thought about giving him a night to get over the rest of the days stresses, and tell him today that I'd messed up and broke the pact. In the end, I knew that either way, he was going to be upset, and I didn't want to compact it by not fessing up right away. I wrote him a note. I explained that I was stressed and emotional and pre-occupied, and hadn't realized what I was doing. I acknowledged that having all that on my mind didn't excuse breaking the rule, but I wanted him to know it wasn't deliberate. I told him that I didn't want to make his day any worse, but I just couldn't keep it from him. I apologized, and told him that I loved him. It felt good writing it all out, and getting it off my chest. I was still nervous about how he was going to react, but I knew I was doing the right thing. When he got home, we watched a little bit of tv together and he had something to eat. I let him unwind and before he got in the shower, I gave him the note.
           I felt like I could cry, I was so disappointed in myself. After reading through it, he hugged me and thanked me for being honest. He told me that although I was going to be punished, that he was going to go easy on me, because I'd told him the truth and he knew how hard that must have been for me. He decided that since we'd both had long and stressful days, that last night probably wasn't the best time for us to address the punsihment, and that it would take place this afternoon before he went to work.
            I experienced the loopy for real for the first time today. He spanked me for two straight minutes, but graciously let me leave my pants up. That thing stings like nothing I've ever experienced. Even over my pants, my butt was hot and bright red when he'd finished. OW. I don't want to EVER have to get that on my bare butt. Makes me shiver just thinking about it.

All in all, I feel much better having put it behind us. This morning, my wonderful husband talked me into making a hair appointment and I got the hair cut I've been dying to get for about two months now. I go through phases where I want my hair long and then I get sick of it and need a change, so I got it chopped, and even added some bangs. I'm LOVING it! So glad he suggested it. FINALLY, the weekend is here! Tomorrow, we have a 3D ultrasound to see our little man, and then we're going to start painting the nursery :) :) :)

Have a GREAT weekend everyone!

the big bad day

This morning, J and I went to the dentist. Neither of us have been in quite a few years, and we made back to back appointments (mostly because I hate the dentist and it comforted me  to know he was going to be there, too.) I had a feeling it was going to be bad, but nowhere close to what it actually is.

I was informed that I have pregnancy gingivitis. Basically because I'm pregnant, my gums are inflamed, which allows plaque to build up between my gums and teeth. Awesome. So that requires a special cleaning. I was also told I need 2, maybe 3 root canals! DAMN! I have a serious fear of needles, to the point that I break out in hives before getting my blood drawn, and I hyperventilate. I have no idea what my options are for local anesthetics, being pregnant, but I am praying I have choices other than getting a giant needle shoved in my mouth. I also need an obscene amount of fillings. My teeth don't look bad, so I didn't expect any of this to come up! I havent been experiencing any pain or sensitivity. I guess I should have been going for annual check ups. J needs to have his wisdom teeth extracted, and needs a couple fillings himself. He also needs an extensive cleaning, above and beyond what they give the ordinary client. The real kicker is that our insurance covers close to nothing in comparison to what the costs are. Our out of pocket cost is close to $8,000 .. something we don't exactly just have lying around, if you know what I mean. I burst into tears in the office. I tend to panic about money in general, but with the baby coming, J losing his shift differential in the summer, and now this, I feel extremely overwhelmed.  My ever calm husband assured me everything was going to be alright and that we would figure everything out, but I could tell even he was nervous about this. He made me promise not to worry about it, and try not to be upset the rest of the day. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Then, this afternoon, I did a bad thing. J made a rule a few weeks ago that I must stop texting while driving. I even had to write out a promise and sign it on a piece of paper. He keeps it in his wallet. Well, I had to go back to the dentist to get a print out of what we needed done and the total costs, since they forgot to give us one before we left. When I got there, I texted J to tell him I was now at the dentist and then was going to get my younger sister and we were going to the gym together. About ten minutes later, I was on my way to my sisters, and J texted me. Pre-occupied, I replied, even though I was driving. I didn't think about it until after I'd sent it, and then I felt like a lead bowling ball had been dropped into my stomach. I haven't told J yet. I don't know how I'm going to. I'm terrified of letting him down, and I feel absolutely STUPID for breaking this rule. I mean, normally, it's something I just don't do, because I'm thinking about it and consciously not doing it. I don't know how I did it, honestly. How difficult is it to say to yourself, I can answer this later ? But it didn't even cross my mind. Plus, the few texts I have gotten from J since have made it pretty clear he's having an awful night at work. I know he's stressed about the dental work, and his coworkers often rub him the wrong way. I don't want to add more of a burden to him today. GAAAAHHHH I just want to scream, and cry.

This day sucks.

He's getting good ...

This morning, I was woken up my the roommate's dog. NOT HAPPY. He is sooooo effing lazy when it comes to taking care of his dog it's incredible. She was crying for a half hour, WAILING, to be let out of her crate to go outside. After the first five minutes, I was about to get up and take her out myself, when I heard my roommate open his bedroom door, so I assumed he was going to. WRONG. I heard him moving about the house for another 20 or so minutes, even feeding the fish before taking his dog outside. How freaking inconsiderate. HELLO, you do not live alone, and the pregnant girl doesn't sleep well at night!!!!! WTF. Ok, glad I got that off my chest.

So anyway, after laying awake for another half hour, trying to make myself fall back to sleep, I gave up and went out to the living room. The roommate had left for work (the one day of the week he isnt working from home,) and his dog was whimpering in her crate again. I let her out and played with her for a little bit, then took her for a walk around our neighborhood before putting her back in her crate so I could try to sleep on the couch. I drifted off for a little bit, then woke up to J coming back into the house. I lifted my head and looked at him, and he told me he was going to the hardware store in a few minutes. I asked why, and he told me he was going to buy some materials to make a loopy johnny. I decided to go with him.

He found an random handle that something had been broken off of. It had a screw in the top, and he decided it was perfect. Since it was broken, we didn't have to even pay for it. Then we went to Lowe's, and he bought some 1/4" vinyl tubing. The whole time we walked around the store he sang a jingle he made up about spanking my bum. Greeeeeaaaat. He was a little too excited about this, if you ask me. Anyway, we got home and he made the darn thing in like 15 minutes! Geesh. I was in the middle of eating lunch when he finished and he came into the living room and made me lie on the couch so he could give me a few practice swats. OUCH! He decided he wanted to modify it, and left me in peace to finish my lunch. After fixing it to his liking, he sat down with me and ate, then rushed me to finish mine so he could spank me again with it. I swear, the man's losing it. He let me keep my sweatpants up, thankfully, because that thing stings like the devil! For the last few swats he wanted to "try it on the bare butt", and those were torture! And he was going light. Crap. He thought I was kidding about how much fuss I was making, so I told him to smack his hand with it, and he did, and got an evil grin and said, "Oh yeah, it's got some sting. I think I like this thing!"

Let me tell you, I'll be on my best behavior as long as this things around!!

A Pleasant Suprise

After J got dressed for work today, we laid together on the bed talking and joking. He told me he wanted me to clean up in our room a little bit today while he was at work. We were going back and forth about something, and I was being quite sassy. I don't do this to be disrespectful or anything of the sort, brattiness is kind of part of my personality. I use it teasingly and J knows that I'm not actually being rude. Well, he looked and me and frowned, saying "I don't like your negative attitude, missy."

I turned up my nose, fighting the smile at my lips and said, "Well change it, then!" My eyes glittered as I stared at him. I love our playful spankings before he leaves, and I assumed that's what I'd be getting.
"Go choose a card," he said, raising an eyebrow, giving me a look that said 'you're not going to win this game,'
My eyebrows flew up. "What! Seriously?" I asked.
He nodded. "Bring them all to me,"
I got up and went to the drawer, taking out the cards I made a few days ago, and brought them to him.
He read them all over again, then fanned them out in his hand and told me to pick one.
I held my finger in front of one for a long time, but was scared to commit to it. At the last second I changed my mind and chose one closer to the end. I plucked it out of his hand and read it, groaning.
75 on each cheek with the five fingered strap, panties on
20 on each cheek with hand, bare
J grinned, taking the card from my hand and going to the drawer. "Go ahead, get over your pillow."
Grumbling, I assumed the position, thanking my lucky stars that I was wearing full panties today.
He told me he was making a change, and came over with a paint mixer we'd be given at the paint store yesterday when we bought the nursery room paint.
I breathed a sigh of relief as he tugged my sweatpants down.
He gave me 75 crisp smacks, but they were nothing compared to the strap. He pointed this out, and reminded me that I was lucky today. I quickly agreed. When the card was fulfilled, we lay together again and he squeezed my bum. "If you don't clean up what I asked you to, you'll be choosing a card for real, tonight." he informed me.
I actually got goosebumps. I promised him I would have it done by the time he got home.
All he said was, "We'll see." Then, he told me he was thinking about making up more cards that I wouldn't be allowed to read before hand, so I would have no idea what they said before choosing one.

I think I've created a monster.

Saturday Spanking to Remember

Saturday nights are set aside for maintenance spankings. These spankings are meant to not only "re-define" our roles, but also to keep me leveled. If I go too long without a spanking, I start to get out of balance. Saturday nights are to make sure that even when I'm being good, I don't go too long without having my need fulfilled.

J worked all day yesterday, capitalizing on all the snow we've been having and shoveling off a roof. He was just getting ready to head home when I called him to let him know that we had water coming in from the ceiling, so when he finally did get home, he had to get up on our roof again and chisel the ice away.

I slept while he was on the roof. I've been absolutely wiped out lately. I guess that comes with the territory of being 26 weeks pregnant, although I thought you weren't supposed to be this tired til the third trimester. I cant imagine what I'm going to feel like in a month!

When J finished our roof, he softly woke me up and asked if he could take me to dinner. I happily agreed, especially because I didn't feel like cooking ;)

We had a lovely dinner together, and I was happy to be able to spend some time alone with him. We talked about our days, and decided to pick the colors for the nursery when we got home. When we got home, we picked the colors, and watched Toy Story on tv before going to bed . He beat me to the bedroom as I had to use the bathroom before retiring. He was sitting on the bed, and had my pillow already in the middle of it. Beside him, I saw the hairbrush. My heart started beating fast. We hadn't used the hairbrush in quite a long time, and I hadn't missed it.

"Can I keep my pajama pants on?" I asked.
"For a minute," he nodded.
I climbed up onto the pillow and adjusted myself. I felt him pat my butt two or three times with the brush, then he started tugging my pants down.
"Seriously? That was all?" I sighed, standing up so I could take my pants off. Re-settling over the pillow, I braced myself.
He used the brush generously, definitely not taking it easy on me. After a minute or two of well placed swats, he announced he'd be giving me 75 on each cheek. They came hard and at a medium pace. By the end of the set I was experiencing dry sobs, the step before tears for me. Breathing hard, my butt stinging, I lay still over the pillow, waiting for him to let me up. Instead, he told me after this break I'd be getting another 50 on each. I was filled with horror, but didn't argue. I whimpered and just lay waiting. "Don't put your hands back here again." he ordered. The next set rained down on my warm, stinging skin. My feet drummed on the bed and I fought with all my might to keep my hands in front of me. I cried out, and bit my pillow as tears broke free and rolled down my cheeks. When he finally finished the 50, he got up and went to the drawer. I filled with dread. Usually, when he's finished, he'll set whatever implement he's got in his hand next to the bed and hold me. Going to the drawer meant he probably wasn't done. I watched him put the brush away, and take the five fingered strap out. I started crying harder, the thought of having to take more on my burning butt making me feel weak. He sat beside me again, rubbing me gently. "I'm going to give you a break," he whispered. "Then you're going to get 60 on each with the strap and we'll be done. Okay?" I didn't answer, just cried into my pillow. His hand felt good on my scorched flesh, rubbing and squeezing a little. I didn't want him to take his hand away, ever. But, after only a few short minutes, he did. Without a word, he started with the first 60 on my right side. It almost felt good, the leather on my hot skin. It stung but not like the wood did. Then after the first 30, it hurt again. Bad. I just lay there, resigned to my fate, sobbing. The last 60 hurt even worse than the right set, but I still didn't squirm. Just cried. When J finished, he pulled me into his arms and kissed my head, asking me if I was okay. I haven't cried that much from a spanking in a long time. I'm really not sure why I did last night. All I know is once it was over and I was in his arms, I felt good. I felt connected to him, loved and safe. I assured him I was fine, even if I was more sensitive than usual.

Well, it's Superbowl Sunday, and I've got to admit, it's not nearly as exciting when the Patriots aren't in it. I really could care less about the game, but J's mother and father are coming over tonight to watch it with us, and have dinner together. Meaning I should probably get off my computer and clean up a little bit before I have to start cooking. Happy Sunday! :)

Me and my darn mouth!

Lately, I've been sending J blog entries that I particularly like/relate to, and he's been reading them. Well, brilliant me had to go and send him one that had an idea in it that he liked just a little too much. This afternoon, we were making lunch together and I playfully said something sassy. He then informed me smugly that he wanted me to make "punishment cards" detailing specific punishments. (Thanks Audra! ;p ) I thought he was kidding! Nope.

He told me I was to make up seven cards. They were to detail specific implements, number of swats or minutes with each implement, and severity. "They're not going to be used every time, but we'll keep them in the punishment drawer and I'll tell you when you need to choose one." I nodded, still shocked into silence. He went on to say, "However you might just be choosing one tonight."

"What! Why?" I pouted.

He looked at the coffee table, covered in papers, dvds, and books, among other things. "Didn't I ask you to do something a few days ago?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Did you do it?" he asked.

"No sir," I answered quietly.

He nodded his head, a tight lipped smile on his face. "Huh. There's a chance for slight redemption, but even if you clean it today, you're not going to be off the hook." he informed me, reaching over and lacing his fingers with mine.

I blushed, not used to him being this forward about being in control. When he got up to get changed for work, I followed him into our bedroom like I usually do. I like to steal kisses and gentle touches while he's changing ;)

When he took his shirt off, I hugged him, pressing my face against his bare chest. I love the feeling of his warm skin against my face. He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my head back, kissing me on the lips. "Don't forget those cards," he reminded me, and reached down to squeeze my butt. Then he turned me around and bent me over, telling me to put my hands on the bed. He gave me a dozen smacks and reminded me to clear the empty water bottles off the bedside table, then let me back up. After he finished changing, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on the top of my head. I soaked the moment in, because I really cherish these moments we have together before he leaves for the night.

Once I was alone, I started trying to brainstorm for the cards. Well, I was just stumped! I never imagined how hard it would be to create punishments for myself, until I tried to do it. I emailed back and forth with Audra for a bit to try to get some ideas, and she gave me plenty of good ones! I sat down and tried again to write some up, but was still at a loss. We have a variety of implements, and I couldn't figure out how to some how to incorporate the majority of them. Plus, I have a pretty high tolerance, and most of our play spankings are pretty extended so trying to figure out numbers of swats and times for punishment was difficult. I texted J and confessed I was having a hard time making the cards.

How come? What's troublesome? he asked.
Idk! I cant think of anything. I don't know how long, or how hard, etc. It's hard to come up with punishments for myself!
Being the sympathetic husband he is, he replied, Isn't that the point?
Ugh. I dont know how to make a pouty face via text but if I did I would soooo send you one right now!
He wasn't impressed with that. You don't want me to have to make them out, do ya?

Okay, okay. Point taken. So we decided I'd write out some ideas, and send them to him and he'd let me know if I was on the right track. He seemed pleased with what I sent him, and he told me to put them into the drawer for future use.

So, the cards are resting in the drawer with the dreaded implements that could be used to deliever the punishment. They are all pretty wicked in and of themselves, but for most cards there are a set of swats with one, two or three of the implements. And see that little tub of cream resting on that holey paddle? Thats called "spank me cream". It came in a sexy spanking kit that we bought at Spencer Gifts. IT MAKES YOUR SKIN BURN! Especially when applied over a spanked bottom. Yup-you guessed it! That made its way into the cards, too. Oh boy. I'm beginning to think I'm in over my head now...wish me luck!