Heeeeee's Baaaackk!

          Wednesday night, we talked as we lay in bed. He told me that he understood that sometimes it's easier for me to communicate through written word rather than verbally, but that it is not that way for him. He pointed out that if he asks me a direct question, I had better answer it right then and there because it wasn't fair for me to brush it off like it's nothing, and be upset about it for days, leaving him wondering what the hell happened. I felt terrible for my part in all this. He was completely right. I had been thinking only of myself in those situations, and how could I expect him to do right by me if he had no idea what was right? He kissed me and accepted my endless apologies, and held me close to his body. Everything felt good again.
            I was supposed to go to the gym on Wednesday. A few weeks ago, after my last dr appointment when they expressed concern about my weight gain during this pregnancy, J and I decided that I should be going to the gym 3 times a week, no excuses. I asked J to help me with this, since I'd been trying to go to the gym a few times a week already, and usually only made it once. I had the best intentions, with no motivation to back me up. He agreed, and we decided to make up a gym plan at the beginning of each week, and unless otherwise approved by J, I was to stick to that plan. Anyway, to shorten this rambling and get to the point, I didn't end up going Wednesday. I didn't do it intentionally, I just didn't think about it. When J got home from work that night, though, he asked me if I went, and I just shook my head. Not thinking it was a big deal, I said "No, I'll go tomorrow instead."
             He gave me a look, one that I havent seen in a while, and replied, "Are you testing me, woman?"
             I shook my head fiercely. "No..." I really wasn't! I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
             "Why didn't you go, then?" he wanted to know.
              "Honey, I just didn't think about it." I shrugged.
              The subject was dropped, and I thought I'd heard the last of it.

              He reminded me yesterday morning that I needed to go to the gym to make up for Wednesday. I agreed, even though I didn't feel like going. However, I dragged myself anyway, knowing if I didn't, there wouldn't be enough days left in the week for me to fit in my mandatory three.
               After, I went to the bank and paid our bills, then to the grocery store to get some ingredients we didn't have at home so I could make dinner. When I got home I made corn muffins to have with dinner (J's favorite), and banana bread with the brown bananas on the counter. I was pretty much exhausted by the time he got home (it doesnt take much these days!) and I laid on the couch while he worked in the nursery for a little bit. Then of course I got up to make dinner, and we ate together. We had a nice night.
                When he'd finished up for the night in the nursery, he went and showered, and then retreated to the bedroom for a minute. I figured he needed to grab a shirt or something, so I didn't pay any attention. He came back, and we watched American Idol, and played with our dog for a while. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the loopy johnny on top of the mantle. How the hell did I miss that being brought out? My heart started to beat loudly in my ears, but I didn't want to draw attention to the fact I knew it was there. I didnt want to hasten my fate. Soon after my noticing the evil implement, J got up and put the dog in her crate for the night. Coming back into the living room, he grabbed the loopy off the mantle and ordered me to come kneel on the loveseat beside him, to put my arms on the back of it.
                   I did that, and he started whacking me with it. This was not a play spanking. HOLY CRAP that thing hurts! I couldn't stay still for the life of me, and I tried really hard. We had to move because I was almost hitting my head on the wall behind the loveseat. On the bigger couch, I had the bay window to lean on. There was a blanket up there I balled up in my fist and buried my face in. I could hear J talking and I struggled to focus on what he was saying.
                "Why didn't you go to the gym yesterday??" he asked, not slowing his assault any.
                I could hear the damn thing whistle before it struck my burning skin. "I dont knoooow," I wailed.
               "Was it intentional?"
               "Noo," I felt like I was literally on fire, each stroke searing my poor defenseless butt.
                Then he announced I'd be getting 45 on each cheek to start. I tried to wrap my mind around that. To start. I didn't know how much of this I could take. It was freaking intense. I couldn't keep my hands in front of me and had to be reminded quite a few times. Thank God he didn't give me extra for that, but I think he knew I really was trying to. I just couldn't. After that set, I was panting and tears stung my eyes. I wasn't exactly crying yet, but it took a moment to catch my breath. He asked me if I was going to go to the gym on time, when I was supposed to.
                   "Yes sir," I murmured.
                    "Okay. Now you're going to get 60 on each cheek." He lectured through these 120 swats about getting to the gym on my scheduled day, and going through him if I wanted to change days for any reason. Of course, he was right. Every time I'd asked to switch days he's approved it, so I should have just asked. Then he pointed out that I'd asked him to make sure I go three times a week, and thats exactly what he was going to do.
                      By the end of that set I was crying. He told me I could relax for a minute and take a break. He held me and asked if I was doing okay. I told him that I was, and snuggled into his chest for a minute. Once I'd calmed down, he told me to get back up for the rest. I was going to get 75 more on each and then I'd be done. It was intense. I cried, and squirmed, and my hands came back a few times again, but he just sternly told me to get them out of the way. When it was over I was sobbing, and he held me, kissing my hair. He told me he loved me, and we cuddled together and watched some more tv.

                      Even though my butt is bruised and still sore, I feel better. Things feel right again. I'll tell you one thing, I certainly won't be missing any more gym appointments. I NEVER want to be spanked with that loopy again. Ever.

emotional night

So after a LONG, emotional day, I finally wrote J an email telling him that I needed a spanking. The kind of spanking that forced me to complete submission, the kind where I must totally let go. This is something I haven't had in quite a while. I apologized for not telling him during maintenance, when he'd asked. I thought this would make things better, but I was wrong. After reading the email, J seemed angry, and he told me he wanted me to just communicate verbally. I could tell he was a little frustrated and he burst out, telling me he was confused and didn't know what to do, because every time is different. It's either too hard or it's not enough or it's too much and it hurts. He said, "I probably should know, and I'm sorry beceause I just don't. I don't know when I'm wrong or when I'm right or anything." I was shocked, because I felt like things had been going very well lately, I just needed the kind of spanking that would bring me to tears. It's not something I need every time and I had been enjoying and benefiting from our recent spankings. After a spanking that was particularly good or when I felt like everything went right, I usually make a point to tell him the next day, "last nights spanking was really good," or something along those lines. I didn't even know what to say, I was consumed with my emotion and I just cried.

I felt so disconnected from him and like I'd let him down by not helping him through this and telling/showing him what I needed. I wanted to tell him to just forget it, that I didn't want TTWD anymore. Part of me still wants to say that. However, I know that I wouldn't be happy with that, and I know it will be beneficial for us to work through it. I just don't know right now what he needs from me to make this okay. I don't know how to give him what he needs without diminishing what I need. I need to feel his control, his dominance. If I'm the one calling the shots, I don't feel that. It feels like I'm the one in charge, and that doesn't help me let go. I feel so lost right now. I still haven't been spanked. I'm sure he didn't know if he was supposed to do that last night, I'm not sure either of us were in the right mind for it. I don't know how to communicate verbally. I'm not good with spoken word, especially with things that are important. My thoughts get tangled up and I can't make the right words come out. When I write, it's easier for me to communicate what exactly I'm trying to say. I want to write a note to J, because I know that's the only way that I'll be able to tell him what I'm thinking and feeling right now. However, I don't want to upset him further by not tackling this issue verbally. I don't even know what to say. On top of this, I have to go with my sister this afternoon to take my family cat to be put down. I picked him out when I was 3 years old and he's toughed it out this long. It's going to be very sad putting him down, even though I know it's best for him. I've got a lot on my plate today, and I'm feeling like I can't possibly balance it all.