The Girl Who Cried Wolf

     When we first began testing the ttwd waters, I suggested coming up with a safe word. As those who follow me or read often probably know, I was the one to bring this lifestyle to J. He was uncomfortable in the beginning, and I thought that having a safe word would alleviate some pressure on him, knowing that if it was ever too much that I would safe word out.
     He refused the idea. He declared that if I said "no" or "stop" that he would end the spanking and that would be that. He maintained that there was no need for a safe word. At this point, he didn't really get that even when I said "no" or "stop" or whatever else came to mind to get out of a spanking, I needed him to follow through and spank me thoroughly. Of course he did get over that, stopping when I asked him to or said no. But the topic of a safe word did not come up again. He never brought it up, and I didn't feel like we needed to have one.
     Last week sometime, we were in our room and he had me bend over his lap. He was sitting in a computer chair, and the position was pretty awkward for me.
     Actually, awkward is an understatement. It was starting to hurt my back, and I kept saying "No, no more ... stop!" Looking back, I dont know why I didn't just say it's hurting my back, but for some reason that didn't occur to me.
     He didn't stop. He kept spanking me until he was satisfied. When he let me up, I immediately reached back and started massaging the spot on my back that was sore. "Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.
     I assured him that I was, and he told me that I should have told him to stop. "I did," I reminded him. "I said it over and over and over."
     "Well, I thought you were just saying no and stop like you do sometimes. You know, no doesn't always mean no, does it?" he asked.
     I shook my head. "I guess not," I agreed.
     "It's a bit like the boy who called wolf." he related. 
     That's how we came up with it. The safe word that hasn't been called a safe word. Wolf. I can't imagine myself needing to use it, but it's kind of exciting just having it in place. The idea that we could be so consumed by our play and passion that I might have to use it is very arousing. I'm sure I wouldn't feel that way should I need to use it. But the thought is hot.

     Really hot.

Firmly Reminded

     J and I have been talking about going away for my birthday at the end of November. He put in for the three days he would need off from work a week and a half ago, and instructed me to do the same.
     For some reason, this was not sticking in my brain. I would be thinking about it as I left for work, and then as soon as I got there, it just flew out of my head! Of course, once I'd leave work again, I would remember I was supposed to do it. So frustrating!
     He was so patient with me. I mean, really, really patient. He reminded me every day for that week and a half to put in for the time, and I just kept forgetting. Each time he asked and I told him no, I didn't put in for it yet, he would graciously tell me it was okay and to remember to do it the next day. Then, he would remind me in the morning before I headed off to work, too.
     I was actually surprised by the amount of leniency he was showing with this. I got really down on myself about it yesterday... he wrote me a note to remind me, and I put it in my purse, and still forgot! I mean, really?! I thought he was going to be mad. I thought he was going to punish me.
     However, he wasn't mad. He told me again that it was okay, but I definitely needed to get it done today.

     This morning, he pulled me over his knee for my "have a good day" spanking. It was light hearted and not too hard .. I so love these spankings before work! He even made up a little chant/song that he spanks to LOL anyway, once he finished his have a good day spanksong, he said, "Okay."
     I thought he meant the spanking was over, but he didn't move to let me up, so I stayed put.
     After only a short pause, he started spanking me again, hard. "Do you know what these are for?" he asked.
     "No!" I squealed, trying to wiggle away.
     "You don't?" he asked, continuing to deliver slow, firm smacks to my sit spot and upper thighs.
     "Nooo,"
     "So you'll remember what you're supposed to do when you get to work." he clarified. He gave me probably a dozen more swats, then helped me up.
     We hugged, kissed, and held each other. A few minutes later in the living room, J said, "Do you think you'll remember to put in for those days?"
     I nodded emphatically. "Yes! I just set an alarm on my phone so I'll see it while I'm there."
     "Good. If you don't put in for them today, you're getting a spanking tonight. With the loopy johnny."
     I felt my tummy drop. "NO!" I said boldly. "I just set an alarm, I told you .. I won't forget."
     "You don't need to tell me no. Just do it, and you wont have to worry about it. Saying no isn't going to do anything for you."
     I left for work with a sore bum and with full intent to put in for those days.



      Wondering if I remembered?





      You bet I did.

A Smooshy Post...and a Couple Analogies

     This is going to be one of those posts where I try to smoosh a bunch of things in all together. A lot has been going on over in our little corner of the world and I haven't had the chance to blog much here.
    
     For starters, J has stepped up quite a bit. He seems so much more confident in his dominance and has started to spank MUCH more! (I think he's secretly beginning to like it *gasp!*) It used to be that I didn't get punished unless I confessed to doing something wrong that I felt I should be spanked for. On rare occasion he would punish me but it never really felt genuine (like it was his perrogative). Now, he spanks me if I get too sassy, a few firm swats to get my attention. He punished me the other night for not doing something I was supposed to. He no longer stops when I start to plead and wiggle. He threatens consequences for blocking my bottom and follows through with them if I screw up. But it's not just discipline, either. He's spanking me much more just for the heck of it, and I adore it. He pulls me over his knee nearly every day now for a "have a good day" spanking in the morning, and often gives me a "goodnight" spanking before we go to sleep. He told me, "it's like this...you know how you have to keep a car warmed up so it continues to run good?" I nodded. "I'm just keeping you warmed up, babe." giggle.
    
     I am consciously making an effort to communicate better, and I'm suceeding! I created another blog (a private one) where I write to J about the things that I'm too shy to talk about with him. It's been awesome, and has served as a low pressure way to break the ice on topics that I have trouble broaching verbally. It's led to some interesting conversations and discoveries, to say the least ;)  ... Our sex life has taken on a slight d/s tone. We are trying new things, and enjoying ourselves and each other.
     I am learning to tell J when he does something that hurts me. I usually wouldn't say anything at all, and just wallow in my hurt feelings and assumptions on why he did/said whatever..I avoid confrontation at all costs, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is a habit that I've carried my whole life, and I've realized that there's no reason to have that guard up with him. It will only hold us back. Almost every time he's said or done something hurtful he doesn't even realize he's done so, and winds up confused and frustrated when I start acting out or pulling away. I dont want us to live like that, even if it's sometimes hard to admit when I am hurting. I don't like to appear weak, you know?

     J is sticking to his guns more, and I am trying to be a better submissive (like submitting even when I don't want to LOL). On Sunday, I was over his knee when I realized the bedroom door was open a little. Even though our roommate was in the basement watching football, I panicked. I tried to climb off his lap, but he held me firmly in place.
     "Please, just let me close the door, cmon please...let me up!" I struggled and managed to pull myself free.
     He grabbed my hand but did not pull. "Get back over my lap," he told me. "The door is fine. ***** is downstairs."
     I stared at him for a moment, not sure what to do. "But... the door's open. I just want to close it, please!"
     "No. You need to submit." he said, tugging just a little on my hand.
    I imagined myself pulling my hand free and making a break for the door... it was just a few steps and I just wanted to pull it shut! ... but I didn't. I exhaled deeply and slowly laid myself back across his lap.
     He finished the spanking, which was pretty short and light hearted, then let me up.
     Normally, one of two things would have happened. 1) he would have let me up immediately to shut the door, despite the fact that even if our roommate had come upstairs from the basement, he wouldn't have had a clue what we were doing...or 2) I would have pulled my hand free and ran for the door to shut it anyway, consequence free.

     I see so much growth in our relationship, on both sides. I feel happier, lighter somehow. The more control J takes, the better I feel. The bouts of sadness I often felt are happening less frequently. I am absolutely loving my life.
    

      One more analogy before I go:
     The other day, J and I were having a conversation about our dog.
     She is extremely energetic and playful, but she is strong (and doesnt realize her strength). We have a shock collar for her, that we put on her when she is around the baby (since she knows there are repercussions, she behaves and listens much better simply knowing she has the collar on). She loves him to pieces and just wants to kiss him all the time, but like I said .. she doesn't realize her strength and we need to know that she will respond immediately when we tell her to stop or stay down etc.
     I told him that she hadn't been listening very well that night and he asked if I shocked her. Normally, I don't, because she responds immediately to the warning beep ... but J pointed something out to me.
     "Sometimes, you have to shock her a little bit, just so she remembers she can be shocked."
     I giggled a little bit. "Hmm...I can't relate to that at all!"

Being Brave

     It started with a spanking.

     We were laying in bed together, and J instructed me to get the strap. I whined just a little.
     "Whyyy?"
     "It's only a good girl spanking," he assured me.
     Reluctantly, I got up to get the strap. I laid down on my belly and braced myself, but he didn't go too hard on me. It stung a bit while he was using it, but afterward, it actually felt quite nice. Once he'd stopped with the strap, he handed it to me and told me to go get whatever I wanted from the drawer. I browsed my options carefully, and chose the thick lexan paddle that is in the shape of a celtic knot. I absolutely love the way that it looks, despite how terribly heavy it is.
     We have only used it once or twice, and not for a while. When you don't use an implement for an extended period of time, you tend to forget what it feels like, almost (but not quite) forget that it's available for use. When you see it again, you get a rush of excitement, it's almost like having a new toy. At least, that's what it's like for me.
     He was surprised when I carried it back over to him. He asked me why I picked that one. After explaining myself, he reminded me of how heavy the paddle is. "I'm just saying, it could make this feel less like a good girl spanking and more like a bad girl one without me even meaning for it to."
      I just looked at him and nodded.
     The spanking did get more intense because of it, but not in a bad way. This paddle is unlike anything I've been spanked with. All of our other implements are pretty stingy but this one is definitely on the "thuddy" side. It hurts in a completely different way.
     When he finished spanking me, he put the paddle aside and pulled me to his body.
     I love how he does this. I adore being held in his strong arms, especially after being spanked. I feel so little and so loved and everything in my world is so perfect in moments like these.
     I don't know how long we stayed like that. Eventually we separated our bodies, and I ended up laying beside him on my tummy as we whispered to each other. He started to rub my bum and then he swatted it a few times to "make it red again". His fingers began wandering, and his skillful hands went to work.
     What happened next really shocked me, in a way that I can't even describe. To say it blew my mind is an understatement. To put it simply, he initiated something that we have never done before. He's never even mentioned an interest in this particular thing, so needless to say we haven't talked about it in the context of our relationship at all. He knew it was something I was uncomfortable with. What he didnt know is that lately, the idea of it has sort of appealed to me. I hadn't told him this because 1) I didn't think that I would want it in real life. Fantasies are much different than reality. AND 2) I didn't think he'd be interested at all. I guess maybe he did know. 
     It was a really powerful experience, and I honestly just don't have the words to do it justice. If he had asked me, I would have said no way. I probably wouldn't have even considered it. But he didnt ask, or really say much at all. That in itself was absolutely intoxicating, him wanting this from me enough to just go ahead and take it...it made me want to give him anything in the world that he wanted. I was already flooded with submissive feelings from the spanking I'd gotten just a little while earlier, and this just pushed me further into that submission. I felt totally dominated, in a wonderful, lovely way. Even though I was unsure, hesitant, even .. I never even considered telling him to stop or that I didn't want it. Because he wanted it, and I wanted to please him (and hey, it felt good). I don't know what it was about this that made me feel so completely owned, but my head was swimming with it.
     Afterwards we hopped in the shower together. He held me and told me I was very brave, and that he found it sexy. I don't think I've ever been more proud in my life, knowing that he was so happy with me .. my heart just swelled.
    
     It seems my man has tapped into his dominant side, and I must say, it suits him well :)

If you step up, I'll step up, too.

     I got myself into hot water this past weekend. I will tell you the story, and you might say that you've heard it before. You would be right. *Sigh* This has happened before.
     J was sitting across the room from me in the basement, and when I was moving to go upstairs, he told me that I had to come around the coffee table past him and not on the other side. He had a glimmer in his eye.
     I didn't want to outright disobey him, but I just knew if I walked by him, I was going to be subject to a few swats or a pinch or something. I moved to go around the outside of the table, but I moved slowly, and I watched his face carefully. "I dunno..."
     "Walk on this side."  he said more sternly.
     I shook my head, and kept moving in the same direction I was headed. I was still moving fairly slow.
     He narrowed his eyes at me, and I paused. "Walk past me." he demanded.
     I weighed my options quickly. I figured even if I was threatened a spanking, if I could get away quick enough, it probably wouldn't happen. I knew he wasn't going to follow me upstairs where our roommate and my sister were, and didn't think he'd remember later on. I found a bit of bravery somewhere, took a deep breath and said, "No." I moved quickly for the stairs but he closed in on me in no time.
     He grabbed me, pulled me in. He told me that later, I was going to face consequences for not coming to him. I tried to apologize, but he shook his head. He reminded me that he had first asked me to walk his way, then told me to, and then I said no. He said I was going to "get it good."
     Later, after we'd finished our second maintenance session for the weekend, he was giving me a couple of swats "for attitude" (or something) and I said, "Well, what was the last one for then?"
     "Because you've always got an attitude." he didn't mention the incident earlier.
     I wondered if he'd forgotten, or decided not to punish me for it? Maybe he'd included it in the maintenance spanking and just hadn't told me? I didn't want to nag him, so I didn't question him about it. You know me though, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Was he going to punish me, or wasn't he? I had thought 'finally he's going to step up and spank me for something thats important to him.' After thinking about it all day, I had come to the point where I'd realized my wrong doing, felt guilty about it, and wanted to wipe the slate clean. The next morning I told him he forgot something.
     After a few minutes of trying to get me to tell him, he guessed "you think I forgot what you did yesterday?"
     I made a face, and smiled a little.
     "I didn't forget. I asked you to walk by my side, then I told you to, and you didnt listen. Then you said no." he recalled, looking at me sternly.
     I squirmed, blushing under his firm glare. I looked away.
     "Didn't you?"
     "Yes sir."
     "What's up with that?" he asked.
     "Well ... you had a devious look in your eye! I was just trying to avoid whatever you were going to do to me!"
     "I dont care," he told me. "I told you to do something, and you're supposed to do it, devious look or not."
    Just then, yeah .. you guessed it! The baby started crying, looking to eat. So the conversation pretty much died there. A little bit later, the baby was napping and J and I were alone. I decided to bring it up again, to put my mind to rest.
     "Am I not in trouble for yesterday?" I asked.
     "What do you mean by that?"
     "Well, you said ... "
     J cut me off. "I said, 'later there'd be consequences'. I didn't say when later was." When he saw the disgruntled look on my face, he added, "Fine. I'll tell you this. You're going to get 20 hard smacks on each cheek for doing that. You just never know when."
     My heart sank. So I'd have to go around knowing that at any moment I could be spanked? Or worse, that he'd forget about it all together? I wish he'd have spanked me right when it happened! Or at least that day. I didn't want to have to wonder forever when and if I was going to be punished. "You can't do that."
     "I can do whatever I want," J said, "The reason you hate it, is the reason it's good."
     "No," I argued. "It's not fair!"
     "Why isn't it fair?" he wanted to know.
     I could name a million reasons, and they were all rushing through my mind. But for some reason, when I opened my mouth to tell him, I felt a sob rushing up to fall out instead, and snapped my mouth shut, covering my face with my hands. I didn't want to cry over this! Why couldn't I just tell him how I was feeling?
     "Baby, come on. Let's go upstairs." he suggested.  
      We went upstairs, and checked on the baby.
     After making sure he was still asleep, J took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
     I sat on the bed and watched as he walked to the drawer and opened it. I felt my heart beat a little faster when he pulled the oval hairbrush out.
     He pointed to the arm of the love seat and I bent over it. "I'm satisfying your need," he told me as he pulled my pants, then panties down. When he firmly put his hand on my lower back and pushed me down was when I started to get nervous.
     Oh crap. Why did I have to say anything in the first place?
     The swats were hard and fast. They hurt. I struggled to stay in place and even though it was only 20 on each, my butt was hot and stingy when it was over.
     He hugged me afterward, and I apologized. He made me tell him what I was sorry for, then accepted my apology.

     Today, out of nowhere, he told me to go with him to the bedroom. When I asked why, he told me I was going to be spanked. He told me it was a reminder, because he'd asked me to do something last night, and I'd forgotten. He brought me to the bedroom, and he used his belt on me.
     It hurt, but it was short lived, just enough to warm me up and remind me that task needed to be done tonight.
     We were back to laughing and joking together afterward. He told me to stand up on the edge of the bed and I did. This brings me closer to his height and it's easier for him to wrap me up in his arms when I'm up there.
     With my arms around his neck I said, "Baby .. I don't like your belt."
     He started to laugh. "What's the matter with it? Doesnt fit right? Should I get a new one?" He thinks he's funny.
     I havent done the task yet, but once the baby is down for the night, I'm going to for sure. I want him to see that I really am trying. I want him to know that I appreciate when he takes the time to correct me and let me know that he expects better behavior.
     I can feel J stepping up, in big and small ways. Now it's my turn to show him it's worth it to do so.

Even Though Summer's Ending

     Things are heating up around here. Friday, I was going to write a post about how down I've been. How lately, I've been feeling like I can't do anything right...like I'm a failure at the only things I'm supposed to be good at, being a mother and wife. I didn't get around to writing that day, and I'm glad I didn't.

     Saturday night, J and I had a talk, it was not about dd but about some things that have been going on in our life. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. He told me how he was feeling about the way I have been acting recently, and it was really an eye-opener. He was absolutely right about everything he said, and it was hard to hear it.
     I was wrong, that's for sure. I hadn't done these things intentionally to hurt him. I would never do anything to hurt him, on purpose. There was just a lot going on at once and I didnt know how to process everything at once. I shut him out. I was lonely, not having spent enough time with J. I started to feel like he didn't want to be around me, to spend time together. Once that happened, it was a lost cause. I started putting up walls to protect myself. I felt like I was on my own, and of course that scared me. I pushed him away. When he offered to help me with the baby, I told him I didn't need his help, I could do it myself. I was being stubborn, it was like I was trying to prove (to myself) that I could do it on my own. It was silly, but I didn't see that then. I cried while he told me how my actions had affected him, and he sounded pretty upset himself.
     He wiped my tears and told me he hadn't meant to make me cry.
     I knew that. I know that J loves me more than he loves himself, more than anything, except our son. He wants to protect me at all times, never wants to see me sad. My heart hurt...but it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have treated him the way that I did. I should have thought more about it, but I was selfish and only looked at it from my perspective. I thought about all of this as we sat in silence.
     When our roommate came into the basement where we were sitting, I excused myself to bed. J followed soon after. He got out the strap, and told me to roll over. I did. He didn't say anything the whole time, except to tell me to get my hands away or to roll back over.
     It was extremely intense. J told me after that he wasn't hitting me any harder than usual, and I do believe that. I was still emotionally raw from the talk we'd had only a short while before. I was feeling so guilty for what I'd done, so sorry that I'd disappointed him. He didn't say a word, and yet I felt punished. It hurt so bad, at times I really didn't think I could take it. I rolled away, positive I just couldn't do it. He wasnt phased, just told me to roll back over, firmly guided me back to where I need to be so he could strap me more. I thought it would never end. I sobbed, and he kept spanking. When it finally ended, and I was snuggled up in his arms, I felt so relieved. Even though he didnt say it, I felt like "maintenance" had more of a discipline tone to it. All the guilt I'd felt for hurting J, for acting the way I did, for being so stubborn, it all melted away. I felt so peaceful, like J and I were back on track again, together. The distance had been closed between us, effectively.
     "How's your butt feel?" he asked, sticking a hand down the back of my pants and squeezing my bum.
     "Ouch!" I squealed, giggling a little. "It's soreeee, does it feel hot?"
     "Nope," he murmured in my ear. "I think it needs something more."
     I felt alarmed. "What?!" I cried. "Like what..."
     His voice was gentle, but totally serious. "I'm thinking maybe the hairbrush."
     My heart nearly stopped. "Wait...really?"
     "Yep."
     "No." I said firmly, looking in his eyes. Only a moment after saying that, though, I re-evaluated. Yes, my bottom was hot and sore. BUT he is the one who's in charge. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay."
     "Okay what?"
     "If you want to give it to me," I whispered. "I'll take it."
     His deep laugh rumbled through the room. "Well, there's an open invitation if I ever heard one, I'll have to keep that one in mind." He didn't spank me again. Was he just looking to see if I would submit to it, even though I had already had more than I thought I could stand? I don't know.

     Sunday, I felt like a whole new woman. We had a great day together. We laughed, and played with each other too, not just the baby. We were all over each other every chance we got, touching, kissing, caressing, squeezing. Lots of fun, sexy, sporadic spankings happened throughout the day. J made it clear he planned to make love to me that night. It was a wonderful thing to day dream about to pass the time. We were watching tv together in the basement when J said it was time to go to bed. I put him off for a few minutes and he sat on the futon a few feet away. Finally, when I was ready to go to bed, I got up and started for the stairs, announcing I was going to bed.
     "No you're not," J told me.
     "Yes, I am. Come on," I urged him.
     "Come over here first."
     I shook my head, turning back for the stairs. "Come on! I'm going to bed,"
     He didn't move. Waited for me to turn around. Which, of course, I did. "Get over here, now!" he ordered, pointing to the spot on the floor in front of him.
     I stood there for a minute, contemplating turning and going up the stairs, but realized what I was doing and went to him. He held his arms out to me, and I sat beside him and leaned into his offered embrace. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should have come over right away."
     "Naughty," he said, shaking his head.
     "I'm sorry!"
     "You couldn't walk ten feet over to me? You just said, no." he sounded disappointed. He looked disappointed.
     "I know, I'm sorry baby." I said softly, looking into his eyes. "I should have come over."
     "Let's go," he sighed.
     We went upstairs, to bed, together.
     I walked into the room as he was undressing. I stood before him, running my finger tips over his bare skin while he took his clothes off. I couldn't take my eyes off him, couldn't get enough of feeling him.
     When he was down to his boxers, he grabbed me and pulled me against his body. He rubbed his hand between my legs, kissing me hard. Then, he roughly spun me around and bent me over at the waist, putting my hands on the bed. He spanked me for a couple minutes, hard enough so that I was dancing around and my bum was pretty warm.
     "Get on the bed." he ordered, pointing at the bed.
     "Yes sir!" I cried, happily obeying. I climbed onto the bed and looked up at him, my eyes sparkling, a smile on my lips.
     He laid me down, and kissed me tenderly. He undressed me, made me feel good. He laid back and let me make him feel good. Then we laid beside each other, slowly and gently touching, enjoying our bodies. We made each other feel good.
     Suddenly, "Roll over on your tummy."
     I did.
     He spanked me again, bare, and even though I was already a little sore, I felt so good that it just increased my pleasure. Then, he rolled me over again and we made love.
     It was amazing. It was hot.

     This morning, when the baby went down for his first nap, J dragged me off to the bedroom to make love again. It's like a spell has been put on us, ever since that big spanking on saturday.
     All this little episode in our lives proves to me is that maintenance is an extremely important part of the equation for us. When we went too long without a serious-toned spanking, I started to feel shaky. I panicked, tried to handle things on my own, and crashed and burned. We both ended up confused and hurt. Once that "reset" button was hit, things were easy between us again. We gravitate toward each other instead of repelling away. We cant keep our hands off each other, cant get enough. I havent hesitated to ask for his help, or to accept it graciously when it's offered. We are working together instead of for ourselves, and it feels really great.  Things are definitely heating up ;)

Ups and Downs

     I'll start with the ups. Friday night, J's mom came over to watch the baby so we could have a date night! It was awesome. J took me out to eat to one of my favorite restaurants, and then we went to see Our Idiot Brother, which ended up being pretty funny. Later we sat together in the basement talking, and I was developing a bit of an attitude. J raised an eyebrow and kinda playfully asked me why I was being so fresh .. I of course replied with a *ahem* polite response (not, try super sarcastic ... oops!) and he quickly grabbed me and pulled me over his lap. He gave me a dozen or so hard smacks and told me to stop being so sassy. When he let me up, I may or may not have pouted, just a little! ...and J pushed me back down and swatted me a few more times, hard. Apparently, making a pouty face counts as being "fresh". Who knew?
     J seems to be more drawn to my butt. Anytime he is around I can expect a pinch, grab or smack on the bum. He doesnt care if people are around, either .. the other day, he swatted me in front of his brother! I could have just dropped dead, and I felt like my face was blazing, but his brother didnt seem phased. I'm sure it came across as playful, but I was still embarassed! I like that he's enjoying that region more .. I love the attention!
     Now, the downs. Today is a sad day for me. I am remembering someone who was taken from us too soon. My mother would have been 44 today. I am like my mom in many ways, and as much as I cherish that, it frightens me too. I fear finding the disease that took her, in me. Sometimes I am afraid that I will die young, too. I get overwhelmed by this sometimes, especially on days like today, when I think of her more. It almost seems inevitable. I wonder if the things I do specifically to lower my risk of developing breast cancer will even make a difference. I worry that I would not be strong enough to stand up in the face of it, if it ever were to strike. I know it is silly and probably unhealthy to worry so obsessively over this, but sometimes I can't help it.
     We didn't have maintenance this past weekend. Saturday, J had a few drinks at dinner at my father's. It turned out he had one too many and he wasn't feeling well, so he laid down and fell asleep. I wasn't bothered, really .. a little uneasy, because I really need my maintenance spankings, but I was tired and fell asleep quickly after laying down with him. Sunday, J told me in the morning that I was getting a spanking that night. He apologized for falling asleep, which was sweet. There was a short, quick spanking Sunday during the day. It was playful and the tone was light. Sunday night, I came out of the baby's room after putting him to bed and found J snoring on the couch. I woke him up and we went to bed. He fell back to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. This morning, when he woke up he said, "When (the baby) takes a nap, you're going to get your spanking." I just shook my head. "No." I waited. The first time the baby fell asleep, I sat around waiting for him to tell me to go to the bedroom. I wondered if he would get the implement, or if he would ask me to. I thought about how I'd moved and hidden the strap and hairbrush, and what his reaction would be if he asked me to get either of those implements. I went to the room and put them back in the drawer where they belong as soon as I was able to go without J noticing. He didn't tell me to go. The second time the baby fell asleep, I wondered while I watched the minutes go by if he was going to do this at all. I wanted to just say 'hey lets go do maintenance?' I didn't say anything, though. I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him, and honestly, I didn't want to ask. That just ruins it. I wanted it to be on his terms. When the baby woke up from his second nap, I started to feel a little panicky. I didn't think that he would even sleep again before J had to go, but he did fall asleep about a half hour before J was supposed to leave. I went and laid down in the bedroom, curled up beneath the covers 10 min later. J came in to change into his work clothes, and saw me laying on the bed. I'm not sure if I wasn't in there if he even would have done this, but he got the five fingered strap from the drawer and came over to where I was laying. I was mad. I didn't even want him to spank me, now! He had to leave soon, there wasn't possibly enough time ... "NO!" I said, when he told me to roll over.
     His eyes softened. "Come on, babe. Roll over..."
     "I don't want one!" I said stubbornly.
     "I have to spank you a little bit, roll over."
     I shook my head. "Uh-uh."
     "Please don't make me roll you over..." he said quietly.
     I stared at him, my expression stony.
     "Babe, you're not supposed to resist or object." J reminded me, narrowing his eyes.
     Sighing, I rolled over and put my face in the pillow. I was determined not to make a sound, not to let him in. I made it through the first ten or so swats before I cried out.
     He gave me probably 30 swats in all, and then it was over. He laid down next to me in bed and held me, but I didn't feel better.
      I felt like spanking me was some kind of horrible chore, something that had to be done but he didnt really want to. I felt like it was put off and put off until it couldnt be anymore, and then rushed through. I was looking forward to the release that maintenance usually provides, I needed to be able to be shed all my protective layers and be vulnerable, open. This spanking was not that.
     There could be more. Maybe, that was to hold me over until he can take care of it fully. I know I should just trust him, accept the decisions he makes, even when it's not what I think I need. I'm working on that.
     I recently noticed that there is a feature on blogger that allows you to add emails to a list, and then when you post an entry, it emails a link to it to the people on the list. I told J about this feature, and asked if he would like me to add him to the list, or did he prefer to look on his own? I asked because I hoped he would say yes, add him .. I know he hardly reads here because I always ask if he's read recently, and he always says no. But, he said that he'd prefer to look on his own (translation:not at all). It hurt my feelings at first, that he doesnt want to read what I write but now I'm choosing to look at it differently. If I thought he was reading here regularly, maybe I wouldn't share all the things I do. I wouldn't explore different aspects of my feelings for fear of what he would think. If he did something I really liked, I would wonder if he'd acted of his own accord, or in response to something I'd posted about wanting. So, maybe it's good he's not always looking.

     Today was J's first day on second shift. It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, except I waited up for him to get home, and now I'm exhausted. Good night everyone. Thanks for letting me rant.

Just a Word?

     After writing my post yesterday, it sent my brain spinning in another direction. I started thinking about all the things that J does and says that put me in a more submissive state of mind. These are just a few of the things that put me in a better place:

• grabbing a fistful of my hair and giving it a firm tug
• making me look him in the eye (although this sometimes makes me feel extremely defiant and sassy)
• having me get the implement he's going to use on me OR
• not letting me know what implement he's going to use on me until he starts using it
• ordering me to do specific things like not put my hands back while he's spanking me or hold a certain position
• putting me in positions for a spanking that make me feel vulnerable
• either taking my pants and panties down, or instructing me to do it myself...both have similar effects.
• leaving an implement out for me to see it before telling me I'm getting a spanking
• making me eat regular meals (sometimes I forget, guys .. or I just dont feel hungry! dont give me that look) or making sure I dont eat junk (or cookie dough, mm) before an actual meal.
• telling me put to on something specific to wear when I'm being spanked i.e a certain pair of shorts or panties
• having to wait in position or bare for a spanking
• making me tell him why I'm being spanked, why I didn't do what I was supposed to
• when he makes me choose a card, and then has me read it aloud to him.
• if during a spanking, I complain that it hurts and he tells me that "its supposed to," or "it needs to be."
• he asks to see my butt the next day, or asks if it hurts still the next day
• squeezing my butt kinda hard

     I am pretty sure there are a bunch more but by now I'm sure you all get the gist. The majority of the ones I wrote are mostly intentional, I think, but there are others that I think he just does naturally. Another thing I love is laying down with my head in his lap. I feel very submissive in that position, and it is my favorite place to be. When I'm laying in his lap, the rest of the world melts away. Nothing matters anymore except that I'm his, and he is mine. 

      Okay, folks .. now it's your turn! Girls, is there anything your man does or says that instantly puts you in your place? Guys .. anything you do or say with the intention of getting her back in a submissive mindset?

Rewards

     J and I were sitting in our newly (almost) finished basement. He had just come back from the laundry area, where there was a little puddle of water. His shoes were squeaking on the waxed floor when he came back, and he wondered why the floor was wet. I suggested that he probably stepped in the puddle in the laundry room.
     "Well why is there water here on the floor," he said, pointing to where his feet were now.
     "Because you probably stepped in the puddle, and your feet were wet, which made the floor wet .. and squeaky."
     "I dont think I stepped in the water though."
     "You probably did," I told him. "I did."
     He got up and traced his foot steps back to the laundry room, where he found footprints coming from the water leading to the room we were in. Laughing, he came back over, admitting he did step in the water. "Who knew?" he asked as he was sitting back down on the futon next to me. 
     I slowly raised my hand, a grin on my face. "Me! I knew."
     Laughing again, he asked. "You knew? Well, do you know what your reward is?" he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me over his lap.
     I toppled forward over his legs, and let my hand brace myself on the floor as he started whacking away. "Hey!" I cried. "This is a little hard for a reward!!"
     He only gave me probably a dozen then helped me up, his expression still amused.
     We went back to our conversation, filled with light banter back andf forth. We play a lot with each other, tickles and playful pinches and grabs, and this night was no different.
     I was pretty hyper, admittedly, and probably a little over zealous with my "playing". 
     "Wow, you are fiesty tonight!" he raised his eyebrows. "You might be getting another reward in a minute," he threatened, and grabbed my hand.
     "No! I'll be good..." I promised, sitting back and putting on my most innocent face.

     He didn't spank me again. Lately, though, it seems he's been showing signs of taking more control. I don't know if these small acts are his way of expressing some more dominance, or if it just seems that way because I am working harder at being truly submissive. When he asks me to do something (asks, not tells...he hardly ever tells me to do something) I am doing my best to just do it, without complaint or attitude. It seems that the more submissive I act, the more dominant he acts. Now thats my kind of reward :)

Sitting Tenderly

     I'm not sure if he's been reading here again. It almost seems that way, because it's like he's inside my head. I feel so in sync and connected with him, it's pretty amazing.
     Last night was maintenance, and it was definitely not the experience I was expecting at all. It was extremely intense, painful, and it was exactly what I needed. J somehow knew just what to do. He originally told me he wanted me "butt in the air" again, but agreed when I asked if I could please lie over a pillow. Thankfully, because I could not have taken that spanking in that position.
     There was no warm up. He used the strap. It was long, and hard. It took a lot to break through the big, strong walls I'd built up around my extreme emotions. He did start over my pants, but they didn't stay up long...neither did my panties.
     I had a little problem with keeping my hands away from my backside. I really did try, but it hurt so darn bad!
     The first time my hand went back, J ordered me to take it away, then delivered two hard whacks to my backside. "For putting your hands back," he said and returned to task. This might have happened another time after that, too. *sigh* He switched to the hair brush a short time later. On my already so sore bottom, it hurt. A lot! Those pesky hands, well, they found their way back again. I think I even said, "please!"
     "Move them." he said firmly.
     My stomach flip flopped as I quickly thought about my choices. I desperately wanted to protect my backside from any more attention, however, I wanted to do what J said. As he was repeating his demand for me to move my hands, I slowly pulled them away from my butt.
     Two more fast, hard swats fell, then his deep voice spoke sternly. "The reason I punish you more when  you put your hands back is beacuse you could get hurt if I accidentally hit your hand."
     Believe it or not (yes, you might call me crazy) my heart soared when he said those words to me. Part of that big, strong wall crumbled. What I heard was he was punishing me because he cared. He didn't want me to be hurt. I didn't put my hands back again the entire spanking, even though at times it felt like I couldn't stop myself...but I did. I felt myself let go a little, and I finally stopped resisting the spanking and just absorbed the swats, accepted the pain. When that big, strong wall I'd built finally fell down, all the emotions I'd buried behind it came flowing out. It was relieving, a weight lifted from my shoulders. It felt good to let it all go. I sobbed. Even after the spanking ended and J held me tight in his arms, kissing me and comforting me, I could not stop crying. I had so much intense emotion that I'd pushed aside because I dont know how to deal with it.
     He helped me deal with it. He reminded me that he was there, a strong force in my life. He showed me that I could be vulnerable with him and show him my feelings and that he would protect me, and make me feel loved. He did this all, just by spanking me.

     I think this was my hardest spanking to date. Usually, an hour or so after being spanked, you wouldnt even be able to tell I was spanked at all. Not last night. I could definitely feel it hours later. I didn't even go to the bathroom to look at my bum, which I usually do, too. I didn't want to see. This morning, and well into the day, I felt it every time I sat down. It wasn't pleasant, but I liked it. Weird? Maybe. But its true.
     He gave me a few solid swats "just to warm me up," and just a few made my butt burn like crazy!
     OMG. I have never experienced anything like this before! I have never ever EVER been sore the next day. Tender (if spanked again) maybe, but not sore like I could feel it without it even being touched. People, if this man ever decides he's going to start holding me accountable and really punishing me for things ... I'm in some serious trouble. OUUUUUCCHH. Having said all of that, I am so thankful that J was able to read me, and gave me exactly what I needed, even though it was hard on both of us. He is such an amazing, wonderful man and I really am so lucky that I am his.

What's a Girl To DO?

I want to start by saying I am pretty pleased with the way things have been going. I was afraid that without me reminding him, he would just let DD fall by the wayside, but he hasn't. It feels like he is slowly taking more control, maybe just taking his time to find what works for him and us. I hope that someday, he will see the benefits this has not only for me, but for him and our relationship as a whole. I know that right now, it's all for me; smoke and mirrors.

The last time I posted, I wrote about maintenance and how there was supposed to be a second part. J tried to follow through monday night but literally as he was telling me to get over the pillow, the baby woke up. He tried hard to stay awake, but he just couldn't do it. We finished up last night instead, with a hairbrush spanking. It hurt, and my bottom was definitely sore when he finished.

Here lies my problem. I need a hard spanking. Okay, maybe hard isn't the right word. Let's use "thorough" instead. I have felt it for weeks now, the tugging feeling beneath my skin like I'm slowly being swallowed from the inside out. Time and time again, I have wanted to tell J that I need a serious spanking, but each time convinced myself not to say anything, because I don't want to discourage him. He is doing such a great job and I don't want him to think I'm ungrateful or something. I am having a hard time figuring out why I need such a big time spanking, because usually I only feel like this when I am very sad or overwhelmed. I think part of it is that I miss J. He's been so busy with work and projects at the house, lately. Between him being preoccupied with that, and me always with the baby .. I feel like we never see each other. At times when I am overhwelmed and have a lot on my mind, this feels like he doesn't care about me, doesnt have time for me. I know thats not true, but it's how I feel sometimes. Some days, it feels like we're on different planets, even though we're sitting right next to each other. I want him to reach up to my planet and pull me back down to him, where I belong. I want him to break down the walls that I put up, the ones that are meant to protect me from the rest of the worlds bullshit, but hold me tightly within while they keep everything else out. For him to bare me, both literally and figuratively, strip me down til there's nothing left but the core of my being. When I'm in that place, then I can see that he is in control, he's going to take care of me. I can see that he's paying attention, and he won't let me get swallowed by everyday life. He will always save me, catch me every time I fall. Those kind of spankings recenter me, reconnect us. I feel closer to him when I'm sniffling into his chest with a hot bottom than I do most any other time. SO ... where does that leave me? I promised myself (and J) that I was going to back off and let him take control. Does that mean I shouldn't ask for a spanking when I need one? Am I supposed to wait, now, for J to recognize that I need to be rescued, or can I call for help?



I don't know what to do! I hate feeling so needy and pathetic.Blech. I hope someone has some good advice for me, because I definitely don't want to be overstepping any freshly drawn lines...but I need a spanking! HELP!!

the luckiest.

     I am one lucky girl. The luckiest, in fact.

     Yesterday was a hard day. Since starting the baby on his reflux meds, we have been having mostly good days. But yesterday reminded me of the days before he was on his meds. The days he cried all day, seemingly inconsolable. He would quiet for a moment or two, then start screaming again. I was grateful to have passed those days, because they hurt me. They make me feel inadequate because it seems as if nothing I do can help my baby feel better. I feel like a failure. I know that this is not true, and that babies have days where they are going to cry. In the heat of the moment, though, when I've done absolutely everything I can think of to console my screaming bundle, and nothing works ... I want to bury my face and cry. In fact, I spent most of yesterday crying with my baby because I couldn't calm him. (He eventually was content after finally pooping at 8 pm! Poor guy ..)
     To make things worse, J had to work later than usual and I was feeling overwhelmed, and needy. I missed him, I needed his help, I needed him to tell me it was okay, and it wasn't my fault our baby was so upset. We were talking through text and I told him I was missing him, and having a rough day. I expressed some concerns I was having (about myself) and he reassured me that I was doing fine. Not only did he have to work late, but he'd also promised my little sister that he would take her out driving since she is going for her license test tonight, so I was home alone most of the day yesterday. He came home to eat dinner in between working and taking her driving. While he was there, he could see that I was having a hard day and feeling down, and he promised me that when he got back, I was going to get a "good girl spanking with a bad edge". I nodded my head, secretly thinking that I was going to need more than a good girl spanking, but I kept my mouth shut.
    
     When he finally got home, we sat together on the couch for a while, and he talked to our roommate about the sink (it had been clogged, and was now fixed). I fed the baby, changed him, put him down, and then J and I went to bed.
     He spanked me with the hairbrush, and then told me to pick something I wanted him to use.
     Of course, theres nothing in our arsenal that I want used on me, I prefer his hand, but I'm not allowed to pick his hand on occasions like this. Only he decides when he uses his hand. If he tells me to pick an implement, thats what I have to do. Soooo I chose the black strap, since he promised this was going to be a good girl spanking.
     In the end, the "good girl spanking with a hard edge" was just what I needed It was hard enough to recenter me but gentle enough for me to enjoy.

     J has been so wonderful this week about keeping me in a good frame of mind. There have been little spankings here and there all week, some hard, some not so hard, but all of them have reminded me how dedicated my man is to making our relationship a priority.

not so smooth sailing

Things have not been great. I am not emotionally in a good place. The reason for this encompasses many, many things. I have been this way for almost a week. I am constantly stressed out, no matter what actually happens throughout the day. We have a week long vacation coming up next week with my in laws and our roommate and I'm a little apprehensive. I'm nervous how the baby will be away from home for so long. I'm disappointed because I can't put on a bathing suit and lay in the sun and enjoy the beach, because I am disgusted by and ashamed of how my body looks. I worry that everyone will be watching me care for the baby like a hawk, and secretly think I'm doing everything wrong.

I got spanked yesterday. It hurt, but I didn't cry. I needed to. We missed Saturday maintenance again. J was tired and fell asleep on the couch. I knew he was exhausted, as was I. Obviously, he didn't intentionally fall asleep, but my feelings were hurt all the same. Even though it's usually painful and I don't enjoy the actual spanking itself, I look forward to maintenance. It's a chance for us to reconnect and just be focused on each other, something that doesn't ever happen otherwise, now that the baby is here. So, this being the third Saturday in a row that he'd fallen asleep, I felt unimportant. I was harboring a little resentment after what felt like being pushed aside. Sunday, J had a horrible migraine. I felt awful because no matter what he did, his head hurt. He couldn't sit up, or stand or walk without his head pounding. That brings us to yesterday, and I was all out of sorts.

I texted J telling him I still hadn't had maintenance. (HINT,HINT in other words). He promised I would get it, and he kept his word. When the baby went down for a nap and we had the house to ourselves, he ordered me to the bedroom. He used the hairbrush first, and I could barely stay still. It was worse than I remembered it! I begged him to use something else. Finally, he agreed, and he started using the doggin bat. Let me tell you, the damn thing hurts when it's used on your sit spot or thighs! He brought up the fact that I'd been teasing him about falling asleep on the couch while he spanked. I wanted to tell him that was how my hurt manifested itself, but I didn't. After the spanking was over, I felt just...empty. And upset. I didn't know why. The spanking was pretty long, and hard! Emotionally, I just hadn't reached the place I needed to be. But J had ended the spanking proclaiming that his arms hurt, so I felt like I couldn't ask for more even though I really needed it. He held me, and we talked a little. He asked when I was seeing my doctor.

"Tomorrow," I answered.

"So does that mean we can have sex tomorrow night?" he asked.

"Nope." I told him playfully.

"I might have to take it from you," he whispered in my ear.

"I might fall asleep." ok, that wasn't the best way to approach this, but I couldn't take it back now.

He was upset. "Hey, that's mean! I didn't fall asleep on purpose! You don't think that, do you?" he demanded.

I didn't answer. My eyes were filling with tears. Of course I know he didn't fall asleep on purpose, but that didn't change my hurt feelings.

"You do, don't you?"

We laid there in silence for a bit. I knew he was angry and I was afraid to say anything. The silence was agonizing, as I imagined every terrible thing he must be thinking about me.

"Lets go," he said.

We went to the living room where we sat in silence again. I cried again.

"I gotta say, it's pretty upsetting for you to think I intentionally do things to blow you off," he said finally.

Still crying, I was drowning in my emotions. I could hardly tell which way was up. I was so sad that I'd disappointed him. I couldn't speak so I sat in silence with tears rolling down my face. After awhile, and ALOT more crying, we hugged, and J told me that he'd expected me to have more faith in him than that.

He's right. I should. And, I do. I never thought he did it on purpose, though I was acting as if he did. I was already feeling insecure, and missing the spanking only amplified that, and I found myself in an internal downward spiral, positive that he wanted nothing to do with me. Today, I feel good about J and I. I know he's not mad at me. I don't feel good about myself, though. I need to work on a lot of things.

well, THAT didn't go quite like I planned...

     Let me be very clear about something. J did not try to spank me Sunday night. There was no trying involved. He did as he darn well pleased.
     We were in the basement, whispering about the baby when he stopped and looked at me.
     "Come over here," he said, walking toward the laundry area.
     I followed silently. I knew what he had up his sleeve, but I wasn't expecting anything like this. I thought he'd be all like 'Im sorry I fell asleep honey, do you want a spanking now?'. Not the case. This .. well, this was kinda hot!
     He stood in front of the dryer. "Put your hands up here." he ordered.
     "Why?" I pouted, but I did what he said.
     He started whacking my butt through my yoga pants. He spanked me for a minute or two before letting me up.
     My head was buzzing. I couldnt believe he'd just done that! J usually only spanks me at night, when we're in bed. He has never EVER led me over to something and made me get into position! And, folks, believe it or not...this was only the beginning of firsts that night.
     Later, we sat in the living room eating, watching the baby fall asleep in the swing. The minute I finished eating, J looked at me and asked if I was done.
     I nodded that I was.
     "Ok, get up and go into the room."
     He's never done anything like this before either.
     I did, and sat on the bed.
     He piled the blankets in the middle of the bed, and motioned for me to lay over them. When I did, he grabbed the doggin bat and started whacking me with it. He spanked all over my butt and thighs, making it sting. Once I was warmed up and squirming a little, he told me I'd be getting 100 on each side. They hurt way more than I expected! He did not stick to just my bottom and made my thighs burn as well. I hate being spanked on my thighs! grrr. As if that weren't enough, he then strapped me with the black strap! 100 more on each side! Pants down! He suggested that he wasn't done spanking me for the day, but thankfully, he did not spank me again all that day.

     Contrary to what I posted the other day, I didn't even try to say no. Frankly, I loved seeing him be so dominant. I think if he'd acted like he often does, and tried to cater what I wanted and how I wanted it, I would have been more resistant. However since he took total control and just spanked me when and where and how he pleased, I was much more compliant. It was like a switch was flipped inside me. I didn't dare say no, because it was clear that he was in charge and I had better just do as he says. It was pretty nice, actually.

     I wanted to thank everyone for their advice, concern, and support. I am feeling better now. I think I was just having a hard time when I last posted, and after re-reading, I realized I probably shouldn't have used the word insane. I was definitely run down and my emotions were controlling my brain instead of logic. Spending whole days with no human contact outside of a screaming infant can make a person feel a little nutty. Thankfully, I realized that he was crying way more often than a typical infant. Not only were his cries almost constant, they seemed frantic and as if he were in pain. I called the doctor yesterday morning and made an appointment. Silas saw the doctor and it's pretty likely that he has reflux. He was started on baby xantac yesterday, and if he does have reflux, we should see some improvement within a few days. I am hoping that this is going to help him feel better!

I really need to get more creative with my titles

     Before the baby was born, J and I used to shower together. We did this most every day, and I cherished the intimate alone time together. Now that our little one is here, obviously this does not happen anymore. Friday night, however, when J got home from work, the baby was sleeping and I finally felt comfortable enough leaving the baby alone for 20 minutes while we showered. It was wonderful. Nothing scandalous happened, but it was great having a few minutes for ourselves. Before he left the bathroom, he asked me to take the trash out of there and put it in the big bag in the kitchen. I said that I would, but by the time I'd toweled off, dried my hair, and dressed, I completely forgot.
     I was sitting on the couch after putting the baby in his swing, when J came out of the bathroom and caught my eye.
     "Why is there still a full trash in the bathroom?" he wanted to know, sitting down beside me.
    I immediately felt my face flush. Why does that always happen when he asks me things like this? "I forgot, I'm sorry..."
     "You forgot?" he asked.
      I nodded.
     "That's okay, do you know why?" he asked, turning to look at me with a gleam in his eye.
     Saturday. Maintenance! Eeep! "No," I whined, flopping down on the couch and resting my head in his lap.
     "No, you don't know why?" he pushed.
     I don't want a harder spanking, I whined to myself. I shook my head, not daring to speak a word. I didn't want to hear them aloud.
     He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Because I love you," he whispered.
    "I love you too!" I cooed, kissing him back. Then, I jumped up and high-tailed it to the bathroom to change the trash bag. Crisis averted.

     Later on that night, we lay together in our bed. The light was still on, and J asked me to get up and turn it off. I pouted and told him that I thought he should do it. We were laying close, and he reached his arm around me, and slid it down the back of my pants.
     "Go turn it off," he murmured.
     "Noo," I whined. "You do it, you're closer!"
     Suddenly, he started pinching me all over my bottom. Small, stinging pinches covered my sensitive skin.
     "Hey! No pinching,"
     "That's your punishment for telling me no," he grinned evilly.
     I was a little taken aback by this, as we have never talked about using other forms of punishment, and I certainly hadn't expected him to come out with something like that. I tried to hold out as long as I could, determined not to give in and turn the light off. After about a minute, though, I wriggled free and jumped up to turn the light off. By the time I got back in bed, J was practically passed out. Ugh.

     Sunday, J didn't apologize for falling asleep, but told me that I was in for a big spanking Sunday night. Momentarily, a sassy comment spun through my mind but I decided not to push my luck.
     As it turned out, J fell asleep on the couch before we'd even gone to bed. Disappointing as it was, I couldn't hold him at fault since he'd had such a busy FIRST FATHER'S DAY! He is such a wonderful father, as I always imagined he'd be. Our son is such a lucky boy to have a father that is so dedicated to his family.
     Even though I understood his fatigue, I still felt neglected. I'd been really needing my maintenance spanking, and now it'd been two days in a row it had been pushed off. I planned on telling J that I just didn't even want it anymore because I was sick of waiting for it, and it never coming. But when J told me he hadn't forgotten and that he'd just been tired, I had nothing to say. My mouth clamped shut and I couldn't open it for the life of me. I withdrew into myself, becoming upset, feeling like I wasn't important. That's two nights in a ROW he was too tired for me, I thought.
     He came and snuggled next to me, whispering in my ear. "Are you okay?"
     "Yup." I replied.
     "What's the matter?"
     I shook my head, signalling I didn't want to talk about it.
      "Do you want to go in the room for a spanking?" his voice was velvety, so tempting ...
     "NO!" I pouted. Duh, yes you do! I was really kicking myself for that, but oh well, nothing I could do now!
     He tried and tried some more to figure out why I was so down. "Stressed?" I nodded yes. "Sad?" I nodded yes again. He sat beside me for a while, holding me, until finally he said, "Okay, get up and go into the room."
     I wanted to argue, but I knew that I really did need the spanking. The only reason I'd said no before was because he was supposed to give me one anyway, and once you ask me if I want one, it changes the whole feeling for me. I didn't want to have one because I wanted one, I wanted one because I needed one, and that is hard for me to admit sometimes. I followed him into the bedroom and sat on the bed.
    He laid down on his side of the bed, and murmured, "Come here, I want to hold you."
    I rolled over to him and he held me tight in his arms.
    "I love you so much," he told me. After holding me for a bit and kissing my head, he reached behind him and grabbed the dogging bat. With me still in his arms, he swatted my bottom a few times before letting me roll over onto my tummy so he could have free range. He peppered my bottom with the bat. It stung, so he must have been using it pretty hard since it's usually an implement that feels good. Before I knew it, though, he'd picked up the black strap and started using that just as liberally on my behind. YEOWTCH! He went for about a minute before pausing and saying, "Okay, you're going to get 100," and starting right in. 100 swats on both sides.
     I wiggled, and cried out, but did not cry.
     He set the strap down and pulled me into his arms. "I love you," he whispered. "Are you okay?"
     I nodded, but felt disconnected.
    "Do you need more?" he asked.
    I nodded again, embarassed.
     "Okay, roll over."
     Back to my tummy I went. The strap fell again and again, and he announced I'd be getting another 100 on each. I tolerated that pretty well, though my bottom was on FIRE. Then, I felt him pull my pants down, and the cool air blew across my naked, hot skin. Goosebumps rose over my body.
     He hand spanked me for a bit, which surprisingly, hurt more than the strap today. After a minute or so of hand spanking, he decided another 50 on each with the strap was in order, and boy, did he deliver.
     I really hate being strapped on my bare butt. I really hate it. Still, no tears. But my backside was blazing and after a couple more hand swats, J started massaging my bottom and kissing the side of my head. I felt so loved and taken care of once it was finished.

     I can't say enough how lucky I am to have J. He is really stepping up. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in his position. We are both going through a huge transition and on top of that, he has to figure out how to help me stay above water. He is an amazing, wonderful man, husband and father. It melts my heart to see him holding our tiny (hahahaha well, tiny in J's arms) baby and whispering and talking to him. I'm so grateful to have a man who is so dedicated and outwardly loving of his family.


Baby update!! the "little" prince is now 12 lbs 4 oz and 23.5 in at five weeks! He's growing like a weed :)

frustrated.

I am exhausted. Little boy has started waking up every 2 hours at night to eat (he'd been going 4-5, two nights he slept 7!) and J doesn't ever even hear him cry so needless to say he does not wake up. I breastfeed so I think he thinks he doesn't need to because he can't feed him but it'd be a huge help if he got up and changed him and then gave him to me to feed. Then he could go back to sleep. It wouldn't be so bad waking up but he eats for a half hour. Then he'll sleep an hr and a half and he'll be up again trying to eat! What happened to my sleeper?! He doesn't nap during the day either. He cat naps. And will only sleep in someone's arms. So nothing gets done in the house.
I am all fine and dandy with all of this. What bothers me is two nights in a row I was promised a spanking, and didn't get one. Both nights, I'd gone to bed expecting J to be coming soon after. Saturday night, I fell asleep almost immediately, so that wasn't J's fault. Last night, he told me he was finishing the beer he had open with our roommate and he'd be in. That was at 10:50. I woke up to him coming to bed at 12:24. So frustrating! And when I made a comment this morning about not getting spanked, he said it's because I fell asleep! Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't wait up for an hour and a half for you to come to bed. Gah!

Ok, rant over. Time to brag. MY THREE AND A HALF WEEK OLD SON ROLLED OVER THIS MORNING! No, you didn't read wrong. My child is superman lol I watched him do it and he made it look so easy. I was expecting him to roll early because he's always holding his head up and looking around, he's very strong. But not THIS early! I've got a feeling I'm going to have my hands full with this boy :p

talking it out

    Yesterday, while J was at work, we were sending texts back and forth to each other. I told him I couldn't wait for the six weeks to be up because I wanted spankings and love making. He agreed, and then added, "Well, I dont personally want to be spanked.." to which I replied that it was a good thing, because I didn't want to spank him, and asked if he wanted to spank me. He texted back: I miss it, I have to admit.
    I couldn't help but smile. I have always thought that J only spanked me because it's what I wanted, and that he didn't see any real benefit for himself or us. It made me feel good to "hear" him say that he was missing it. The conversation rested there as J had work to finish and I didn't want to bother him as he was nearing the end of his shift. Today, however, I sent him a text asking, "Do you really miss the spankings? I doooo! What do you miss about them?" I was so curious as to what about them he enjoyed.
    I miss the intimacy of them, he replied, bringing another smile to my face.
    I felt my heart swell with happiness, and explained, "I always thought you just did it for me, and didn't really like or want to do it."
    What he said next kinda stopped my heart. I do do it for you. The "punishment" stuff I'm not so sure of, but I like the good girl ones.
    I felt crushed. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I felt like I was given a beautiful, shiny gift only to have it ripped away from me. Since the beginning of this, I've been insecure about it and felt guilty that J was doing it just for me, and not enjoying it himself. I'm not saying I enjoy punishments, but the results are beneficial to me, and I thought, to us. I wanted to just cry. I texted back a short, "ohh." and quickly put my phone aside, hoping he wouldn't press the issue.
    My phone vibrated moments later, signalling a text.
    Babyy.
    Now the tears welled in my eyes, because I knew that I'd made him feel bad, and that wasn't what I'd meant to do at all. I just didn't know what else to say to what he'd told me. I was so delighted when he'd told me that he was missing spankings, that I assumed he meant all kinds, and it was disappointing to hear that he wasn't doing it for him too, but just for me.
    He texted again before I could gather a response. I don't mean that I won't do it.
    "I know." I wasn't trying to be harsh, I just didn't know what else to say. I was hurt.
    Babe...please don't be mad at me :(
    I explained that I wasn't mad, just that it had made me a little sad, to which he responded that he shouldn't have said anything at all. I told him that I liked talking about it, and that I wanted to know how he felt. Positive or negative. He told me he didn't like upsetting me, but I argued that I would rather know and I didn't want him to be pretending to like something, or just doing it for my sake. I asked if it was just punishment he didn't like, or maintenance too?
    It's not that I dont like them, it's just hard for me still to make you cry.
    As most of you know, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings or my needs, especially when it comes to ttwd. But here, I knew that I had to just open up and let it all out. I explained that the spankings that make me cry are the ones that make me feel closer to him. That letting myself be open and vulnerable enough to cry during a spanking and feeling safe enough to do so strengthened my trust in him, further cemented my feelings for him. I told him that while I do lovelovelove my good girl spankings, and that I dislike punishments and maintenance while they're happening, they're the ones that "reset" me and make me feel cared for and loved. After typing out my rather long response, I hesitated before pressing send, and when I finally did, I felt anxious and breathless while I waited for his answer.
    After what felt like forever, all he said was I know baby.
    GAH! "I'm sorry," I texted.
    He didn't want me to be sorry. He told me that it's just the psychology of him hurting me, thats hard for him to get past. He promised that he understood how I felt, and why it works, but that it's still just hard for him.
    And then it hit me. What a lucky girl I am. He cares for me so much that even though I ask him to, he finds it hard to "hurt" me. I realized how many men in the world would take the power and control that I willingly offer to J and abuse it, use it to their advantage and to make their women feel badly, and probably really hurt them. He cares so much for me that even though it makes him uncomfortable, and even though it's emotionally hard for him to do it, he spanks me because it's what I need. He graciously accepts the power and control I offer him and uses it sparingly, while taking my thoughts, feelings, and needs into consideration before doing anything.
    I told him I was sorry that it was hard for him, and that sometimes I forget this doesn't come naturally to him. I told him that I appreciate that it's hard for him and that I realize that's a good thing! I told him how grateful I am that he's willing to still give me what I need even though it's hard for him.

    The conversation ended there but I think this was an important breakthrough for us.

I'm still alive ...

    I've been super busy with our prince lately, but I want everyone to know that I have been reading! I havent been able to comment much as I've been catching up on my iPhone while I breastfeed. I also wanted to update everyone and let you all know that baby Silas is doing WONDERFUL, and I'm healing up pretty well also. My incision is still a little sore, so I'm trying to take it easy, but J went back to work today so I'm hoping my strength comes back soon!

    I am sooo missing spankings. I don't know what it is, but the other night, J was holding the baby and I was kneeling on the floor kissing the baby in J's lap. I looked up at my husband and all of  a sudden was overwhelmed with the desire to be spanked. It was wierd. My hormones are raging and I'm crying at the drop of a hat, so I may just be looking for a pick-me-up or a reset. Every now and then walking by, J will pat my bottom and give me a smile. That made me cry the first time he did it, because I want to be spanked so badly! Sheesh. He held me, and promised me that soon, once I'm good and healed, I'll be spanked again. I know it's not going to be forever, but damn, it feels like it! It doesnt help that we cant have sex, either. I know we should both just be focusing on enjoying the baby, and of course, we are, but I can't help but miss the intimacy with J too. Ah well, soon enough!

    Hope everyone else is doing well!

SOOOO in love!

Wednesday night, J gave me an "empowerment spanking" as he called it. It was a nice, warm hand spanking meant to get me in the right head space for the next days event. I was terrified about having a c-section, having to get a spinal, etc. I'm awful with needles so this was my worst nightmare. Anyway, it was sweet of him to think of me like that. It made me feel so good.
We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 am yesterday, registered, and got hooked up to the fetal monitor. Baby boy was doing great, very active still, and they explained to us the procedure. I got a little shaky when I was informed that J could not be with me while they administered the spinal but they assured me that right after, hed be coming in and things would be fine. Did not turn out to be the case. They tried inserting the spinal 5-6 times but couldn't find the right space. All I got was sharp, shooting pain in my right leg. So next they tried an epidural. That only numbed one half of my lower body. Finally they decided I would be put to sleep (first time ever). Neither J nor I witnessed our sons birth. It was nothing like we'd planned or hoped for but our prince is here and he's just amazing!

Spanking and Tears

    I know I already touched on the subject of tears a couple months ago, but .. here I am again. I talked about how it used to be difficult for me to cry during a spanking, that it's easier now. This is not true. Now, before you get offended that I lied to you all, I thought that it was true. It seemed at the time I wrote the entry that it was true. However, I've noticed a pattern. I'll go a few weeks where I'm completely open, emotionally raw, and will cry pretty easily from a spanking. Then I'll go into a mode where it's nearly impossible for me to reach the point of tears.
     I have come to realize that it is not the severity of the spanking, or the amount of pain it produces, that brings me to tears. The pain is merely  a catalyst to the tears.  I can take quite a bit of pain during a spanking, especially when I'm told before hand how many swats/strokes I'm going to get. I can mentally work my way through the pain, fight it, because I rationalize that I've only got "so many" left before it's over. It's baffling as to why I do this, because I often crave the catharsis I get from the release of tears, and yet I fight the total loss of control that brings me to it.
    The emotion that is invoked while I'm being spanked is what brings the tears. If J is silent or doesn't say much throughout the spanking, it is very unlikely that I will even come close, regardless of how hard or long I'm spanked. It is even less likely that I will cry if the spanks are consecutive, no pauses in between. However, if he speaks to me, tells me that I'm being spanked because it's what I need, because he cares, because I didn't do something I was supposed to, or whatever the case may be, it's easier for me to reach a point where I will cry.


    Here's what happened to bring me to these conclusions. Lately, I have been on-edge. I've been stressed out, overwhelmed, and apprehensive. I believe these feelings are linked to the fact that our son is due in less than four weeks, and our life is about to change drastically. I'm very excited and absolutely can't wait for him to arrive, but at the same time, I know that change is inevitable. My relationship with J is going to change, and there's no way to predict what those changes will be. What I'm very hopeful for and what I expect will happen is that we will grow closer with the knowledge that the beautiful new life joining us is a product of our love and commitment to each other. What is more likely is that while our love may deepen, we will both be tired, irritable, and possibly irrational. We will snap at each other, misunderstand each other, and make mistakes. These things, I'm positive, are things that all new parents experience. What I'm afraid of is that in between diapers, feedings, spit up, and sleepless nights, we won't be able to find time for each other. That the little things that mean so much will slip through the cracks, the spankings will stop and I'll lose the feeling of stabilitly and security that comes with them. I'm afraid of losing the intimacy between J and I.
    I suggested the idea of daily spankings, because I thought they would help ease some of my obsessive worries. J agreed to do daily spankings, and they have helped some. However, I find myself wanting more. I wind up crying at night and I don't know why. I try to hide this from J because I know it would worry him and he would want to know what's wrong, and how could I possibly explain it when I don't know? I haven't cried from a spanking in at least two weeks, and I began wondering if this was the cause of my affliction. I (irrationally) have been feeling neglected and unwanted (as described in my last post), and have been physically craving J. It's difficult for us to make love or be intimate, between J's work schedule, our sleep schedule, and the fact that I am a blimp and just generally uncomfortable. However, I think our inability to have sex has translated into me needing more physical contact to feel like I am wanted and loved. We didn't have much time yesterday before J left for work for our daily spanking date, so J told me I'd be getting it before bed instead.
    We were laying in bed watching tv, and J asked me if I wanted to go to bed.
    I looked at him, confused, realizing with a sinking feeling that he'd forgotten about the spanking, and slowly replied, "Sure..."
    Recognition flashed in his eyes, and he said, "You have a choice."
    Immediately, I started closing up. I thought he might say that I "could wait until tomorrow" and have two, or something of the sort. Like skipping a spanking was even close to what I wanted. I started to feel sick to my stomach.
    "You can pick a card, or my choice."
    "What do you mean?" I asked softly.
    "Either you go get the cards, or I do what I want."
    Isn't that the point? I thought to myself. "I don't want to choose." I said, not referring only to that particular moment, but everything in general. Beneath those five simple words, I begged him to take control.
    "What does that mean?"
    "Do what you want." I mumbled.
    I assumed the position on the love seat, and he pulled my sweatpants down. Clutching my stuffed animal, I braced myself.
    He used the five finger strap for a minute or two to start off with, then started using the celtic lexan paddle. However, it was very thuddy and it worried me a little how heavy it was.
    "That's really heavy," I said. We hadn't used that paddle much so I dont think either of us realized how heavy it really was.
    He agreed, and put it away. In it's place, he brought out the loopy. He spanked me with that for some time, and while he spanked, he admitted that he'd almost forgotten tonight's spanking. "But you knew that already, didn't you?"
    I told him I did, and I forced myself to focus on the twinge of emotional pain that brought. I knew it wasn't his fault he'd almost forgot, usually we do the spankings before he goes to work. After working hard all night, and being tired, I'm sure it wasn't intentional. Nontheless, as always when a spanking is forgotten, there was a moment of feeling rejected. I held on to that, allowed it to chew through my protective layer, to let the pain seep in and blend with all the emotions that had been weighing me down. When I finally did, I felt the tears welling in my eyes.
    The spanking ended soon after I'd reached this point. Looking back, I wish I'd had just a bit more of spanking, let the pain carve a little deeper into my emotional pool. At the time, though, I just wanted to be in J's arms. He held me while I cried, and the tighter he wrapped his arms around me, the harder I cried. I felt close to totally losing control and sobbing, but reigned myself back in. J asked me if it hurt, and I assumed he thought it must have because I was crying, and I hadn't cried in some time. I was too teary to explain that it was the emotion that had made me cry, not the pain, so I simply just let myself cry softly into his chest. As I regained composure, I pulled myself away and noticed a big black splotch on his white shirt. I gasped.
    "I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, slapping my hand over the spot my mascara had left on his shirt.
    He assured me it was okay, and I went to the bathroom to clean my face off (and pee, obviously, since it had been over ten minues since the last time I'd gone LOL).
    When I came back to bed, I was feeling lighter, more secure, and closer to J. All my life, I've tried to hide my tears from everyone else in the world. It has always been easier for me to bury my feelings than suffer the indignity of dealing with them in view of others. Showing emotion was strongly discouraged by my father, so I learned very early on that I was better off dealing with it privately. I was (and often still am) ashamed by any display of emotion that may portray weakness. Therefore, crying makes me feel vulnerable. Being able to show that vulnerability and feel safe while doing so, draws me emotionally and psychologically closer to J. It's inexplicable, but a spanking that tears down my walls, drags me through my inner pool of darkness, and forces me to face the fears and anguish that live there bonds me to him. To make a long story short, I felt relieved after last night's spanking. I needed to feel vulnerable, and in turn be protected and feel safe in that vulnerability. The intimacy I feel through that process runs deeper and stronger than you could imagine if you've never been through it.

    Today, from an emotional stand point, I'm feeling great. I feel that I am able to face the change that our lives are going to meet and go with it. Everything is going to be okay, because J and I are in this together, and no matter what happens, we've got each other.