Spanking and Tears

    I know I already touched on the subject of tears a couple months ago, but .. here I am again. I talked about how it used to be difficult for me to cry during a spanking, that it's easier now. This is not true. Now, before you get offended that I lied to you all, I thought that it was true. It seemed at the time I wrote the entry that it was true. However, I've noticed a pattern. I'll go a few weeks where I'm completely open, emotionally raw, and will cry pretty easily from a spanking. Then I'll go into a mode where it's nearly impossible for me to reach the point of tears.
     I have come to realize that it is not the severity of the spanking, or the amount of pain it produces, that brings me to tears. The pain is merely  a catalyst to the tears.  I can take quite a bit of pain during a spanking, especially when I'm told before hand how many swats/strokes I'm going to get. I can mentally work my way through the pain, fight it, because I rationalize that I've only got "so many" left before it's over. It's baffling as to why I do this, because I often crave the catharsis I get from the release of tears, and yet I fight the total loss of control that brings me to it.
    The emotion that is invoked while I'm being spanked is what brings the tears. If J is silent or doesn't say much throughout the spanking, it is very unlikely that I will even come close, regardless of how hard or long I'm spanked. It is even less likely that I will cry if the spanks are consecutive, no pauses in between. However, if he speaks to me, tells me that I'm being spanked because it's what I need, because he cares, because I didn't do something I was supposed to, or whatever the case may be, it's easier for me to reach a point where I will cry.


    Here's what happened to bring me to these conclusions. Lately, I have been on-edge. I've been stressed out, overwhelmed, and apprehensive. I believe these feelings are linked to the fact that our son is due in less than four weeks, and our life is about to change drastically. I'm very excited and absolutely can't wait for him to arrive, but at the same time, I know that change is inevitable. My relationship with J is going to change, and there's no way to predict what those changes will be. What I'm very hopeful for and what I expect will happen is that we will grow closer with the knowledge that the beautiful new life joining us is a product of our love and commitment to each other. What is more likely is that while our love may deepen, we will both be tired, irritable, and possibly irrational. We will snap at each other, misunderstand each other, and make mistakes. These things, I'm positive, are things that all new parents experience. What I'm afraid of is that in between diapers, feedings, spit up, and sleepless nights, we won't be able to find time for each other. That the little things that mean so much will slip through the cracks, the spankings will stop and I'll lose the feeling of stabilitly and security that comes with them. I'm afraid of losing the intimacy between J and I.
    I suggested the idea of daily spankings, because I thought they would help ease some of my obsessive worries. J agreed to do daily spankings, and they have helped some. However, I find myself wanting more. I wind up crying at night and I don't know why. I try to hide this from J because I know it would worry him and he would want to know what's wrong, and how could I possibly explain it when I don't know? I haven't cried from a spanking in at least two weeks, and I began wondering if this was the cause of my affliction. I (irrationally) have been feeling neglected and unwanted (as described in my last post), and have been physically craving J. It's difficult for us to make love or be intimate, between J's work schedule, our sleep schedule, and the fact that I am a blimp and just generally uncomfortable. However, I think our inability to have sex has translated into me needing more physical contact to feel like I am wanted and loved. We didn't have much time yesterday before J left for work for our daily spanking date, so J told me I'd be getting it before bed instead.
    We were laying in bed watching tv, and J asked me if I wanted to go to bed.
    I looked at him, confused, realizing with a sinking feeling that he'd forgotten about the spanking, and slowly replied, "Sure..."
    Recognition flashed in his eyes, and he said, "You have a choice."
    Immediately, I started closing up. I thought he might say that I "could wait until tomorrow" and have two, or something of the sort. Like skipping a spanking was even close to what I wanted. I started to feel sick to my stomach.
    "You can pick a card, or my choice."
    "What do you mean?" I asked softly.
    "Either you go get the cards, or I do what I want."
    Isn't that the point? I thought to myself. "I don't want to choose." I said, not referring only to that particular moment, but everything in general. Beneath those five simple words, I begged him to take control.
    "What does that mean?"
    "Do what you want." I mumbled.
    I assumed the position on the love seat, and he pulled my sweatpants down. Clutching my stuffed animal, I braced myself.
    He used the five finger strap for a minute or two to start off with, then started using the celtic lexan paddle. However, it was very thuddy and it worried me a little how heavy it was.
    "That's really heavy," I said. We hadn't used that paddle much so I dont think either of us realized how heavy it really was.
    He agreed, and put it away. In it's place, he brought out the loopy. He spanked me with that for some time, and while he spanked, he admitted that he'd almost forgotten tonight's spanking. "But you knew that already, didn't you?"
    I told him I did, and I forced myself to focus on the twinge of emotional pain that brought. I knew it wasn't his fault he'd almost forgot, usually we do the spankings before he goes to work. After working hard all night, and being tired, I'm sure it wasn't intentional. Nontheless, as always when a spanking is forgotten, there was a moment of feeling rejected. I held on to that, allowed it to chew through my protective layer, to let the pain seep in and blend with all the emotions that had been weighing me down. When I finally did, I felt the tears welling in my eyes.
    The spanking ended soon after I'd reached this point. Looking back, I wish I'd had just a bit more of spanking, let the pain carve a little deeper into my emotional pool. At the time, though, I just wanted to be in J's arms. He held me while I cried, and the tighter he wrapped his arms around me, the harder I cried. I felt close to totally losing control and sobbing, but reigned myself back in. J asked me if it hurt, and I assumed he thought it must have because I was crying, and I hadn't cried in some time. I was too teary to explain that it was the emotion that had made me cry, not the pain, so I simply just let myself cry softly into his chest. As I regained composure, I pulled myself away and noticed a big black splotch on his white shirt. I gasped.
    "I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, slapping my hand over the spot my mascara had left on his shirt.
    He assured me it was okay, and I went to the bathroom to clean my face off (and pee, obviously, since it had been over ten minues since the last time I'd gone LOL).
    When I came back to bed, I was feeling lighter, more secure, and closer to J. All my life, I've tried to hide my tears from everyone else in the world. It has always been easier for me to bury my feelings than suffer the indignity of dealing with them in view of others. Showing emotion was strongly discouraged by my father, so I learned very early on that I was better off dealing with it privately. I was (and often still am) ashamed by any display of emotion that may portray weakness. Therefore, crying makes me feel vulnerable. Being able to show that vulnerability and feel safe while doing so, draws me emotionally and psychologically closer to J. It's inexplicable, but a spanking that tears down my walls, drags me through my inner pool of darkness, and forces me to face the fears and anguish that live there bonds me to him. To make a long story short, I felt relieved after last night's spanking. I needed to feel vulnerable, and in turn be protected and feel safe in that vulnerability. The intimacy I feel through that process runs deeper and stronger than you could imagine if you've never been through it.

    Today, from an emotional stand point, I'm feeling great. I feel that I am able to face the change that our lives are going to meet and go with it. Everything is going to be okay, because J and I are in this together, and no matter what happens, we've got each other.