Versatile Blogger Award

     Recently, I have seen many posts about the versatile blogger award .. and I have been nominated, twice. I am so thankful that people read and enjoy my blog. I have learned soo much since starting my blog and made lasting friendships, and hopefully have helped others, too. Thank you to Composing Us and Lil One, who both nominated me for one!

Rules:

1. thank the award giver and link back to them in your post.
2. share 7 things about yourself.
3. pass this award on to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
4. contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

7 Things About me:

1. I am very shy, and worry way too much what people think about me.
2. I am 5'4.
3. I love driving alone in my car with the music blasting, it's really relaxing to me. I would prefer that over a bubble bath and candles any day.
4. I have always had a "thing" for older men ... and married one 8 years older than me.
5. I got in-school suspension in third grade for bringing handcuffs to school/out to recess. They were metal and came in a policeman dress up set...I think I got it at walmart. Administration told me they were a weapon and suspended me.
6. I'm an extremely picky eater. Textures are my main issue. When I was little, I would throw up all the time because my parents would make me eat things I didn't like/couldn't tolerate. Things like cream of wheat, rice pudding, and tomatoes are just a few things that make me want to hurl when I take a bite.
7. I sucked my thumb constantly until I was in fifth grade, when people started making fun of me for it. Then I only did it when I was at home or with trusted friends and certain people in my family (because my parents, especially my dad, would punish me and put me down for it). I remember feeling like I needed to do it. But I knew I shouldn't, and eventually I was able to stop myself from doing it unless I was alone, going to sleep. Once in a while when I'm really stressed or emotional, I wake up and find myself sucking my thumb. Don't judge me!  :p

     I'm not going to do the nominations for a few reasons. One of them is that I don't like the idea that there could be blogs who haven't been nominated. I don't want anyone to feel left out. If you want to know which blogs I enjoy, look at my blog roll :)


Thank you again Composing Us and Lil One!!

Birthday Swats

     I always thought that the birthday person was the one who is supposed to receive the birthday swats...turns out, that's not true in our house!
    
     Earlier in the morning, I was given a brief but effective hand spanking and strapping. I haven't been spanked in a while, and it hurt more than usual. I tried hard to submit, and lie still and take it. I was a little surprised that he'd taken it upon himself to spank me. I hadn't done anything wrong, but he decided I needed it and he was right. It made me swoon just a little.
     About an hour later I complained about the bedroom being cold, and he said that my bottom must have cooled down from the spanking. I giggled and agreed.
     "Don't worry, I'll fix that. You'll be getting numerous birthday spankings today..."
     My bottom lip stuck out in an exaggerated pout. "But it's not even my birthday!"
     He gave me the look.
     You know the one. The look that makes your heart pound, and your tummy fill with butterflies. The one that makes you feel little and shy.
     "They're not for you." he told me firmly.
     OH my. I felt so small in the best of ways. I nodded and hung my head in an attempt to hide my blushing cheeks. I've gotten his 31 spanks, and many more throughout the day. This is the best un-birthday ever!



Happy birthday to my adoring husband, who goes out of his way every day to make me smile. You make me happier than I ever imagined I could be. Thank you for being you, and letting me be me :)

LOL

LOVE OUR LURKERS

-To everyone who takes the time to read my blog, I would like to sincerely thank you. I lurked around blogs about ttwd for a few months before getting up the courage to comment on others' blogs, and then create my own. I know first hand how intimidating it can be to say something because everyone seems so tight knit and close. I ALSO know first hand that everyone is incredibly welcoming, helpful and patient with questions (even the ones that seem stupid to you). It doesn't matter if you are "experienced" or familiar with ttwd at all, I encourage you to (always respectfully, of course) say hello and join the conversation :)

Back On Solid Ground

     A few weeks ago, I told J in an email that I would like if he gave me one task a day that absolutely HAD to be completed by the time he got home from work unless I'd received permission from him not to. I explained that this would help me feel his control and there would be a time in each day when I would be required to submit to him even if he wasn't physically with me at the time. He agreed to do this. I told him that inevitably, I would screw up and that I want/need him to hold me accountable. He agreed to do this as well.
     He has kept his word. We have a white board that is like a weekly memo board...monday thru friday, he writes taks each day for me to complete. He has followed through with holding me accountable for it as well. He disciplined me about a week and a half ago for it...as far as punishments go, it wasn't terrible, but he did make sure to make it something I would not enjoy. He made me get on my hands and knees, which I hate ... and he used the five fingered strap. Ugh.
     I did pretty well since then with completing my tasks up until yesterday. If you read yesterday's post, you know where I was at mentally yesterday. If you didnt, I will tell you that it wasn't a good place to be. When I went into the bedroom a few hours after I'd gotten home from work and saw that he'd written two tasks in the space for Wednesday, I didn't even think before deciding boldly that I wasn't going to do them. He didn't care about them anyway, right? yeah. I told you ... not a good place. I immediately put the tasks out of my mind for the rest of the night.
     He didn't say anything about it when he got home. He also didn't mention either incident from earlier in the day, so I just figured he was letting it all slide. He showered, and we watched a little tv and talked for a while about our days.
     Finally, it was time for bed. I sat down on the end of our bed and watched J as he moved about the room.
     He paused, and looked at me. "Did you see your list?" he asked.
     "Yeah."
     "Did you do any of them?"
     Suddenly, I wasn't so confident in my decision to ignore the tasks. Why had I done that again? Shit shit shit. "Ummm....no,"
     He didn't look surprised. In fact, his face didn't give away much at all. "Humm. I didn't think so." He continued preparing for bed, and I laid down, pulling the covers up to my chin. He eventually sat on the end of the bed, holding the white board and marker. He started to write, then lifted his head again. "Is it 'ie' in receive or 'ei'?" he asked.
     Shit..what is he writing over there? "Umm...'i' before 'e' except after 'c' ..." I recited.
     He finished whatever he was writing, and handed me the white board.
     I quickly scanned over the scrawled note he'd added beneath what he'd assigned so far for the week. Because you didn't do it, you will receive 250 (yep...even to a spanko like me, that sounded like a lot! gulp...) on each butt cheek with...get up and go to the drawer. This is something he's been doing recently, too.
     He'll send me to the drawer, and have me open it. Then, sitting on the bed where he cant see the contents of the drawer, he'll instruct me where to put my hand, and when and what to pick up. For instance he'll say, "put your hand in the middle of the drawer, now to the left, a little more...move the first thing under your hand and pick up whatever's beneath it." Most often he will use this implement, but sometimes he will decide to use something else. Sometimes he will make me do it again to choose a second implement.
     Before I could move, he ordered, "Read it out loud."
     WHAT?! My heart started pounding. "I cant," I said, flushing with embarassment. I couldn't read that aloud! He had never ever done anything like this before, where had this come from?!
     "Read it." he repeated.
     I opened my mouth, but couldn't make anything come out. "Sir," I whined. "I cant..."
     "Do it."
     I started reading it, my face half covered by my blanket in an effort to protect my pride. My face burned with embarassment.
     "I can't hear you. Speak up,"
     I whimpered, losing the sliver of confidence I'd gathered to speak. It took another minute or so before I could muster another gust of courage to read it aloud. God, it was sooo embarassing, but once it was out, I felt ... good. I felt more like me, more submissive already. For me, reading that aloud was a big step toward surrender.
     This time he was satisfied and he sent me to the drawer. He instructed me to put my hand in and tell him what the first thing I touched was. It was the picture paddle. He asked what was below that. The ping pong paddle. He decided he didn't want either of those and requested that I bring him the black strap.
     I brought it to him obediently, though I was dreading what would happen once I got there.
     He told me to look at the white board, and read the rest of what he'd written out loud.

     Despite my impending doom, my face broke into a huge smile when I read what he wrote. "Somehow I knew this was going to happen. I LOVE YOU BABYGIRL."
     (Yes, thats a picture of the task board. At the beginning of the week, he drew all of the faces you see, starting with tuesday since we had monday off work.) He says that he predicted this, and the pictures prove it! The first was a smile around tuesday because he knew I would do those. Wednesday had it's tongue sticking out because he knew I wasn't going to do those. The next face is him learning I didn't do them, and the next is me facing the music. Funny, huh? Yeah, I didnt think so either ;)
     I asked if I could go to the bathroom before my spanking.
     "Well, I'd prefer you not do it at the same time I'm spanking you, so yes, you can go to the bathroom."
     That made me laugh, too. I walked toward the bathroom, and he came out of the bedroom to get something from the kitchen. I turned around and he held his arms out, and I just melted into them. I pressed my head against his strong chest, adoring the feel of his big arms around me.
     He bent his head and kissed me. "I love you," he whispered.
     "I love you too, sir."

      When I came back from the bathroom, he was sitting on the end of the bed, strap in hand. shoot, it doesnt look like he plans to give me a warm up before! I placed myself willingly over his knee, and as I did, I caught sight of my stuffed animal. "Wait!" I cried. "Can I get Stitch?" I asked quietly.
      "Why are you asking me now, that you're already over my knee? Why didnt you ask before?" he wanted to know. Maybe he thought I was stalling?
     "I don't knooow! I didn't think of it til now .. please."
     He smacked me a couple times with the strap then said, "Okay .. go get him."
     I scrambled off his lap and scooped my little blue stuffed alien up off the floor, then slowly crawled back over his knees. I hugged him tight and waited.
     He informed me that we would be starting with fifty on each.
     In case I'd forgotten that I hadn't been spanked in a while...I was sharply reminded. I was surprised by how much it hurt. I really tried hard to be still and just take it, but I simply couldn't. I squirmed and kicked my feet, but if I moved too far from where J wanted me, he firmly guided me back. After the first 50 on each, I was ready to be done. Upon realizing I still had a total of 400 strokes left, I wondered if and how I'd make it through. I knew that he wouldn't push me past what I could handle, and that was comforting.
     He gave me a short break, running his hands over my stinging bottom. He delivered the next set of 50 in the same manner he'd delivered the first, crisp and fast. When my hand flew back to protect my bum, he grabbed it and held it with his free hand. After he finished both sides, he commented that my skin looked dry and told me to get the lotion.
     Shit shit shit. Lotion is going to make that stupid strap hurt sooo much more! I swallowed the urge to complain. I knew his intent was not to make it hurt more but to protect my skin, to protect me. I got the lotion and handed it to him without a word.
     He helped me across his lap, then pulled my panties up in the crease of my bum so he could rub the lotion onto my cheeks. When he'd finished, he fixed my underwear and helped me back up to put the lotion back.
     I rose and put it away then returned to him dutifully. I sank to my knees in front of him and wrapped my arms around his waist instead of going over his lap.
     He held me for a moment, and kissed my forehead. "You're okay, baby." he whispered, stroking my hair.
     Nodding my agreement, I laid myself back over his knees.
     He finished the spanking with another set of 50 on each, a short break, and then the last set of 100 on each. He let me stay over his lap and catch my breath before helping me up and handing me the strap to put away.
     We laid down together and he held me close to his body. We talked softly.
     After a while, I reached back to feel my bum and whimpered. "Ouch,"
     "What's the matter?" he asked.
     "It's sore," I whined.
     "I guess now's not a good time to tell you that you need to get up and get the paddle so we can settle up for you acting fresh when you left my work today," he told me.
      I laughed. NO, seriously, I thought he was kidding. Until he didn't say anything, just stared at me. "Wait...really?" I asked.
     "Yes, really."
     I still didn't believe it. "Oh my God you're serious?"
     "Yes. Weren't you a bum this afternoon?"
     I nodded. "Yeah," I answered softly.
     "K. Go get the paddle."


the evil black strap and the picture paddle



     I pouted my whole way over. I didn't want to get paddled! My butt still hurt! I retreived it and brought it back to him.

     He had me lay on my tummy over a pillow.

     We talked a little before hand, and he told me that I was being spanked not just because I was sassy when I left his work, but because I doubted that he would follow through with the spanking he'd said he was going to give. That's why you're getting paddled now and then you'll get your goodnight spanking afterward, just like I told you you would get. The paddling consisted of no more than a dozen swats, but they weren't love taps!

     We werent more than a few whacks in before I started to cry. He finished up and then pulled me back into his arms, whispering that he loved me.

    

     While a punishment is not what I was looking for, in a way it was. I had given up, in a sense, and I needed him to show me that he wasn't going to let that happen. I love knowing that he is there to hold me accountable and expect better of me. Some people might think it was mean or harsh of him to paddle me after I'd been strapped like that, but I'm glad he did ... I needed the release. I did wonder why it was separate from the other punishment, and he didn't mention it at all before, but maybe he realized that I hadn't completely let go during the strapping, hadnt cried ... and so decided to administer the paddling? Or maybe he had been thinking about it and realized that he should do something about the way I'd behaved. I don't know. Either way, I'm glad his mind works the way it does.

     It feels good to be back on solid ground with each other again. This weekend, we are going to the Patriots vs Giants game and J's mom is going to watch the baby. I'm so excited to tailgate and drink beer and spend the day with my love :)

     Happy Weekend, everyone!

    

Insanity? Or something else...

     This morning, I temporarily lost my mind. I was totally defiant and directly disobedient. I even smiled at him as I did it. I was walking out the door for work and J was feeding the baby, so even if he wanted to, there was nothing he could do about it at the time. While I drove to work, awaiting an inevitable text from J, I picked my brain (and the confines of my heart) to figure out what was going on with me.     
     Our weekend was hectic, and emotionally straining. The baby is teething, so he's been a bit of a monster and saturday morning, there was a little tension between us. Our communication that day was really terrible and things were said that hurt my feelings. In hindsight, we both were to blame, and the things that were said were not meant to hurt, but at the time, I was emotionally wounded. I pulled away from him, hardly spoke to him, spent most of the day in tears. We were civil to each other, but we did not behave the way that we usually do, and there was a clear distance between us. I found myself oddly looking forward to maintenance, because I knew it would be an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, and start new. We did eventually talk about what had happened earlier in the day between us, apologies given on both ends, and all was forgiven. Maintenance did not happen as we were tired and fell asleep early.
     Saturday night we had a huge snow storm, and Sunday we awoke to broken tree branches in the front and back yard. Most of our town had lost power, as did many of the surrounding towns. Luckily, we never lost power, and were able to help family and friends who were without. We had a full house most of the day and into the night on Sunday. Even though we were not fighting or on bad terms, I still felt disconnected from J. Things were not as they always are. He didn't even kiss me until like ... 4 oclock in the afternoon! This is not a normal occurance in our household. We are extremely affectionate and touchy feely with each other, and we were lacking that most of the weekend. All day, I waited and waited for a kiss, and when it didn't come, I started to feel more and more rejected. I am used to being touched all the time, so much so that when he is not all over me every chance he gets, I feel like something is wrong.  I wanted to pout and complain that he hadn't even kissed me, didn't he see how dejected I was feeling? But I knew that wasn't fair. He'd been busy, shoveling and clearing snow, entertaining and feeding guests, helping with the baby...I couldn't complain. Besides, who wants to ask to be kissed? Not this girl. When he finally did pull me into his arms and kiss me, though, I whispered, "do you realize thats the first time you've kissed or hugged me all day?" I sounded so needy, and I despised myself for it.
     "It is?" He was kind of surprised, and apologized, covering me in kisses. 
     At one point during the day, when we'd managed a second alone in the kitchen together, I said "I miss you baby."
     He turned to look at me, smiling. "I'm right here," he assured me.
     I sighed and narrowed my eyes. "That's not what I mean," I said softly.
     "Sexually?" he asked.
     "I miss my spankings," I admitted. Yeah, it was hard to say, and the words came out in a barely audible squeak, but I said it.
     He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a gentle swat, and a firm squeeze. He kissed my neck, and then the subject was dropped as our attention turned back to our guests.
     When we finally collapsed into bed Sunday night,  we were both tired, and J fell fast asleep.
      Monday, neither of us had work. It was supposed to be a half day in the district we both work for, which means I wouldn't have worked anyway, but J took the day off so he could see the baby in his first Halloween costume (SO cute, by the way!). All morning, I wondered if he would give me a have a good day spanking. He didn't. His mom came over since they still didn't have power and charged her cell phone, warming up for a bit. After having at least one (*sometimes several!*) spanking a day for the past week and a half to two weeks before this, three days with no spanking action felt like a lifetime to me, especially after our episode on saturday. I was actually feeling a little hurt and neglected, like, why hadn't he spanked me yet? I brought up maintenance and he said that I told him I didn't want to be spanked Saturday night (Which I don't recall doing, but really?!). Even if I did ... I had thought that he'd gotten to a point where he could tell the difference between me having trouble surrendering and actually being distressed (and unable to handle a spanking). When I tilted my head to the side and narrowed my eyes at this, he said, "Mixed messages are not the way to get something!" Mixed messages? How about mixed brain cells .. cuz that's what I've got and half the time I think I dont want to be spanked, but I really need to be and gosh I just don't always have the ability to differentiate! When his mother left around 3:30 in the afternoon, we climbed into bed together and cuddled, taking advantage of the fact the baby was napping. We spooned, and he had his arms wrapped tightly around me. Suddenly, he pushed me over so I was laying on my tummy, and he swatted my bottom. He started giving me hard swats, alternating cheeks. He was hitting me harder than he usually does. Then he stopped, and rolled me back over, holding me to his chest with one arm and using the other hand to pinch and roll my nipples. I squirmed and moaned. The sting in my bum was becoming much, much more pleasant as he played with my nipples. Again, he flipped me back over and gave me another round of hard, solid smacks. My butt was stinging anew when he rolled me back over to play with my nipples again. I was good and worked up now. "That's just a warm up," he whispered, his breath hot on the side of my face, my body held tightly against his. His hand dipped between my legs and he murmured, "Do you know whats next?" when I shook my head, moaning, he told me "it could be anything." Then the baby woke up. I kid you not. *sigh* Much later, after the baby was in bed and we were getting ready to go to bed ourselves, J told me I was up "past my bedtime" (I don't have one) and when I said "so what," he told me that I was going to have to be punished for staying up too late. We dont usually do things like that (made up scenarios) but I was instantly hooked. Sometimes, I feel like I want (need?) to be punished, when I've done nothing wrong. The idea of being punished turns me on but actually being punished (read: J being disappointed in something I've done) is not sexy or a turn on, so this seemed perfect. I giggled and blushed. We talked a bit longer, until he said, "Okay, lets go upstairs...I'm gonna give you something." This usually means a spanking. Actually, anytime he's ever said "go upstairs so I can give you something" or anything alone those lines, it's been a spanking. So I asked if we could cuddle first, and he agreed. When we got into bed, he pulled me into his arms, and it felt so good to be there. It had only been two nights since we'd cuddled in bed like this, skin on skin, but it had felt like a lifetime. There was no spanking. There was really really hot sex .. probably the best we've ever had. I felt great after; we had reconnected, and things were right with the world. Or so I thought.
     Tuesday, I was feeling okay. I kept thinking, maybe today he'll spank me. I waited for my morning spanking, which never came. At this point, I was starting to feel less hurt, and more indifferent about not being spanked. I fell asleep on the couch waiting for J to get out of the shower after work, so needless to say, no action last night either.

     This morning, I kissed my son goodbye, then turned and kissed my husband. He hadn't given me a "have a good day" spanking, just like I'd expected. I had moved from being upset that he wasn't spanking me regularly to "not needing" it. By which I mean, I'd mentally removed myself from needing to be spanked. I had convinced myself that it wasn't going to happen, and that I would just have to live with that. I felt my submissive self being swallowed inside a wall of stubbornness. All weekend, I had dropped hints, even told him I needed to be spanked, and he hadn't. I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up again. I wasn't mad. I wasn't hurt. Even though I knew I really needed one, I just ... didn't even want it anymore. So as I was walking to the door and he started to say "have a good day," then stopped himself and said, "Oh.. come here," my first thought was oh hell no.
     "Uh-uh." I said nonchalantly, nearing the front door.
     "Babe," the warning tone.
     "Nope." I replied, cool and calm. I turned and smiled at him. "I love you," I reached for the door knob and turned it, pulling the door open.
     "Baby! Get over here..." he looked sort of shocked. Poor guy.
     I shook my head again, and caught a glance of "the look" that meant I was in trouble, but just closed the door behind me and walked down the pathway to my car.
     Yup. Pick your jaw up off the floor, that's not even the craziest part!
     I was driving along, feeling rather ... proud? ... of myself, and then it hit me. I just directly disobeyed him. I looked him straight in the eye, told him no, and walked away from him. What the hell kind of submissive woman does that? I hadn't done it playfully, or in a teasing manner. I was perfectly okay with telling him no I would not do what he was asking, and walked away from him. That was unsettling to me. I picked up my phone at the first red light I hit and I had a text from J.
    
     Baby!!  it read.
     I wanted to write "I'm sorry" but for some reason I couldn't admit at that moment to doing something wrong. If he was going to discipline me, he was going to have to come to the decision on his own, not be inspired by a guilt ridden apology from me. Love you :) I wrote.
     Love u!

     When I read his response, my heart sank. I didn't know why it hurt so much. In the past, I've acted out purposely to get spanked. Or rather, to see how far I could go before the line was considered crossed. I'm not proud of it, but hey...at least I'm honest? This has never gotten the reaction that I was searching for, which was frustrating at the time, but I could and still do see why J would not succumb to that kind of manipulation. But this, this was different. I wasn't trying to be disobedient, I just couldn't let myself be vulnerable enough to be spanked. If I submitted to that, how could I pretend that I didn't need it? I knew I'd been wrong, acted badly, and deserved to be punished for it. I didn't want to be punished, per say (who does?), but at the same time, I sorta did...because I knew I deserved it .. does that make sense? It only kind of makes sense to me, so hopefully it makes more sense to you! I wondered if he thought I was being defiant on purpose. I hoped not.
     I met him at his work a few minutes after leaving the school. We talked for a few minutes, and he kissed me goodbye. As he was closing the car door, he said, "I owe you a "have a good night" spanking tonight."
     Without thinking, I said "No," which barely made it out of my mouth before the door had shut.
     He looked at me through the window and nodded yes, then started walking toward the door of the building.
     I rolled my window down and called, "You owe me a lot more than that!"
     He glanced back and smiled.

     So there you have it. Have I lost my mind? Perhaps. I don't know what to expect tonight, or whether I should expect anything at all. I'm not sure of much, but I am feeling a little better now that I've been able to write it down and get it out of my head.

     Now, I wait.