Insanity? Or something else...

     This morning, I temporarily lost my mind. I was totally defiant and directly disobedient. I even smiled at him as I did it. I was walking out the door for work and J was feeding the baby, so even if he wanted to, there was nothing he could do about it at the time. While I drove to work, awaiting an inevitable text from J, I picked my brain (and the confines of my heart) to figure out what was going on with me.     
     Our weekend was hectic, and emotionally straining. The baby is teething, so he's been a bit of a monster and saturday morning, there was a little tension between us. Our communication that day was really terrible and things were said that hurt my feelings. In hindsight, we both were to blame, and the things that were said were not meant to hurt, but at the time, I was emotionally wounded. I pulled away from him, hardly spoke to him, spent most of the day in tears. We were civil to each other, but we did not behave the way that we usually do, and there was a clear distance between us. I found myself oddly looking forward to maintenance, because I knew it would be an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, and start new. We did eventually talk about what had happened earlier in the day between us, apologies given on both ends, and all was forgiven. Maintenance did not happen as we were tired and fell asleep early.
     Saturday night we had a huge snow storm, and Sunday we awoke to broken tree branches in the front and back yard. Most of our town had lost power, as did many of the surrounding towns. Luckily, we never lost power, and were able to help family and friends who were without. We had a full house most of the day and into the night on Sunday. Even though we were not fighting or on bad terms, I still felt disconnected from J. Things were not as they always are. He didn't even kiss me until like ... 4 oclock in the afternoon! This is not a normal occurance in our household. We are extremely affectionate and touchy feely with each other, and we were lacking that most of the weekend. All day, I waited and waited for a kiss, and when it didn't come, I started to feel more and more rejected. I am used to being touched all the time, so much so that when he is not all over me every chance he gets, I feel like something is wrong.  I wanted to pout and complain that he hadn't even kissed me, didn't he see how dejected I was feeling? But I knew that wasn't fair. He'd been busy, shoveling and clearing snow, entertaining and feeding guests, helping with the baby...I couldn't complain. Besides, who wants to ask to be kissed? Not this girl. When he finally did pull me into his arms and kiss me, though, I whispered, "do you realize thats the first time you've kissed or hugged me all day?" I sounded so needy, and I despised myself for it.
     "It is?" He was kind of surprised, and apologized, covering me in kisses. 
     At one point during the day, when we'd managed a second alone in the kitchen together, I said "I miss you baby."
     He turned to look at me, smiling. "I'm right here," he assured me.
     I sighed and narrowed my eyes. "That's not what I mean," I said softly.
     "Sexually?" he asked.
     "I miss my spankings," I admitted. Yeah, it was hard to say, and the words came out in a barely audible squeak, but I said it.
     He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a gentle swat, and a firm squeeze. He kissed my neck, and then the subject was dropped as our attention turned back to our guests.
     When we finally collapsed into bed Sunday night,  we were both tired, and J fell fast asleep.
      Monday, neither of us had work. It was supposed to be a half day in the district we both work for, which means I wouldn't have worked anyway, but J took the day off so he could see the baby in his first Halloween costume (SO cute, by the way!). All morning, I wondered if he would give me a have a good day spanking. He didn't. His mom came over since they still didn't have power and charged her cell phone, warming up for a bit. After having at least one (*sometimes several!*) spanking a day for the past week and a half to two weeks before this, three days with no spanking action felt like a lifetime to me, especially after our episode on saturday. I was actually feeling a little hurt and neglected, like, why hadn't he spanked me yet? I brought up maintenance and he said that I told him I didn't want to be spanked Saturday night (Which I don't recall doing, but really?!). Even if I did ... I had thought that he'd gotten to a point where he could tell the difference between me having trouble surrendering and actually being distressed (and unable to handle a spanking). When I tilted my head to the side and narrowed my eyes at this, he said, "Mixed messages are not the way to get something!" Mixed messages? How about mixed brain cells .. cuz that's what I've got and half the time I think I dont want to be spanked, but I really need to be and gosh I just don't always have the ability to differentiate! When his mother left around 3:30 in the afternoon, we climbed into bed together and cuddled, taking advantage of the fact the baby was napping. We spooned, and he had his arms wrapped tightly around me. Suddenly, he pushed me over so I was laying on my tummy, and he swatted my bottom. He started giving me hard swats, alternating cheeks. He was hitting me harder than he usually does. Then he stopped, and rolled me back over, holding me to his chest with one arm and using the other hand to pinch and roll my nipples. I squirmed and moaned. The sting in my bum was becoming much, much more pleasant as he played with my nipples. Again, he flipped me back over and gave me another round of hard, solid smacks. My butt was stinging anew when he rolled me back over to play with my nipples again. I was good and worked up now. "That's just a warm up," he whispered, his breath hot on the side of my face, my body held tightly against his. His hand dipped between my legs and he murmured, "Do you know whats next?" when I shook my head, moaning, he told me "it could be anything." Then the baby woke up. I kid you not. *sigh* Much later, after the baby was in bed and we were getting ready to go to bed ourselves, J told me I was up "past my bedtime" (I don't have one) and when I said "so what," he told me that I was going to have to be punished for staying up too late. We dont usually do things like that (made up scenarios) but I was instantly hooked. Sometimes, I feel like I want (need?) to be punished, when I've done nothing wrong. The idea of being punished turns me on but actually being punished (read: J being disappointed in something I've done) is not sexy or a turn on, so this seemed perfect. I giggled and blushed. We talked a bit longer, until he said, "Okay, lets go upstairs...I'm gonna give you something." This usually means a spanking. Actually, anytime he's ever said "go upstairs so I can give you something" or anything alone those lines, it's been a spanking. So I asked if we could cuddle first, and he agreed. When we got into bed, he pulled me into his arms, and it felt so good to be there. It had only been two nights since we'd cuddled in bed like this, skin on skin, but it had felt like a lifetime. There was no spanking. There was really really hot sex .. probably the best we've ever had. I felt great after; we had reconnected, and things were right with the world. Or so I thought.
     Tuesday, I was feeling okay. I kept thinking, maybe today he'll spank me. I waited for my morning spanking, which never came. At this point, I was starting to feel less hurt, and more indifferent about not being spanked. I fell asleep on the couch waiting for J to get out of the shower after work, so needless to say, no action last night either.

     This morning, I kissed my son goodbye, then turned and kissed my husband. He hadn't given me a "have a good day" spanking, just like I'd expected. I had moved from being upset that he wasn't spanking me regularly to "not needing" it. By which I mean, I'd mentally removed myself from needing to be spanked. I had convinced myself that it wasn't going to happen, and that I would just have to live with that. I felt my submissive self being swallowed inside a wall of stubbornness. All weekend, I had dropped hints, even told him I needed to be spanked, and he hadn't. I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up again. I wasn't mad. I wasn't hurt. Even though I knew I really needed one, I just ... didn't even want it anymore. So as I was walking to the door and he started to say "have a good day," then stopped himself and said, "Oh.. come here," my first thought was oh hell no.
     "Uh-uh." I said nonchalantly, nearing the front door.
     "Babe," the warning tone.
     "Nope." I replied, cool and calm. I turned and smiled at him. "I love you," I reached for the door knob and turned it, pulling the door open.
     "Baby! Get over here..." he looked sort of shocked. Poor guy.
     I shook my head again, and caught a glance of "the look" that meant I was in trouble, but just closed the door behind me and walked down the pathway to my car.
     Yup. Pick your jaw up off the floor, that's not even the craziest part!
     I was driving along, feeling rather ... proud? ... of myself, and then it hit me. I just directly disobeyed him. I looked him straight in the eye, told him no, and walked away from him. What the hell kind of submissive woman does that? I hadn't done it playfully, or in a teasing manner. I was perfectly okay with telling him no I would not do what he was asking, and walked away from him. That was unsettling to me. I picked up my phone at the first red light I hit and I had a text from J.
    
     Baby!!  it read.
     I wanted to write "I'm sorry" but for some reason I couldn't admit at that moment to doing something wrong. If he was going to discipline me, he was going to have to come to the decision on his own, not be inspired by a guilt ridden apology from me. Love you :) I wrote.
     Love u!

     When I read his response, my heart sank. I didn't know why it hurt so much. In the past, I've acted out purposely to get spanked. Or rather, to see how far I could go before the line was considered crossed. I'm not proud of it, but hey...at least I'm honest? This has never gotten the reaction that I was searching for, which was frustrating at the time, but I could and still do see why J would not succumb to that kind of manipulation. But this, this was different. I wasn't trying to be disobedient, I just couldn't let myself be vulnerable enough to be spanked. If I submitted to that, how could I pretend that I didn't need it? I knew I'd been wrong, acted badly, and deserved to be punished for it. I didn't want to be punished, per say (who does?), but at the same time, I sorta did...because I knew I deserved it .. does that make sense? It only kind of makes sense to me, so hopefully it makes more sense to you! I wondered if he thought I was being defiant on purpose. I hoped not.
     I met him at his work a few minutes after leaving the school. We talked for a few minutes, and he kissed me goodbye. As he was closing the car door, he said, "I owe you a "have a good night" spanking tonight."
     Without thinking, I said "No," which barely made it out of my mouth before the door had shut.
     He looked at me through the window and nodded yes, then started walking toward the door of the building.
     I rolled my window down and called, "You owe me a lot more than that!"
     He glanced back and smiled.

     So there you have it. Have I lost my mind? Perhaps. I don't know what to expect tonight, or whether I should expect anything at all. I'm not sure of much, but I am feeling a little better now that I've been able to write it down and get it out of my head.

     Now, I wait.