I think these hormones are getting to me again, but I am feeling totally confused. I find that lately, I have been testing J almost constantly. I know that's not fair to him, but I don't even realize it's happening at first and then once I do realize it, I'm so frustrated that I don't care. (Sounds horrible, I know). I push and push and push, and all he does is take it. It's infuriating! I'm not trying to be a horrible brat, it's just that by nature, I test. It's almost fun for me to see how far I can go, but it's really not all that fun when I realize I could go much further than I feel comfortable going. Is it crazy of me to want him to put his foot down and say thats enough!
I'm starting to think that daily spankings are not what I needed. Don't get me wrong, I love having them, but it almost seems like J is just going through the motions for my sake. I want to know that when I push him, he's going to stand his ground, and that just hasn't been happening lately. I don't know if he's holding back because of the pregnancy again, since I'm getting further along now. The other night I told him to shut up and he goes "don't tell me to shut up," and in my usual sassy manner as of late, I replied "or what?" and glared at him. (Yeah, I know, bitchy.) He just shook his head and said "Nothing, because of the stress implied."
I know I should be grateful for all he's doing. He's been so helpful throughout the whole pregnancy. He has been to literally every appointment, he cooks, helps clean, and is so so so supportive of me. He's been spanking me every day, whether he feels up to it or not. This morning, he got up before me. He came back to the bedroom and I was lying awake in bed. He knelt beside me and whispered, "Want a quick spanking before I start cooking?" He used the five fingered strap but was gentle. It was a nice spanking. And still, I'm left wanting more. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so beyond frustrated with myself. This morning, he asked me if I could please do him a favor and do the dishes sometime today. I told him I would, but the first thought in my mind was, I wonder if he'd punish me if I didnt? How horrible is that? He never asks anything of me. Grr. I feel so ungrateful, and selfish. I don't want to act this way, I just cant figure out how to change it. My emotions take over and I act on impulse. I feel like a kid again!
Maybe you need him to be tougher? It sounds to me like you are the one mostly in control. If I said shut up to my man.....eeeeek. I've done it, of course. I won't be repeating it.
ReplyDeleteIf pushing him is what he expects from you, then stop. He sounds so supportive and nice. Treat him well, and then tell him you want that to always be the standard. He'll get used to it, and won't accept anything less.
Heather, Tell him you feel like you need to be held accountable, that his "being nice" is leaving you somehow feeling insecure. You are at time in your life of very major transition and that can be scary, Our guys try their best but they cannot know how we feel deep down inside unless we share those feelings with them. Sara
ReplyDeleteHeather, I have to agree with Sara and Stormy. I don't know if it's the hormones, but it does sound like you are testing him because you need more accountability, more structure. You want him to be in charge for everything you do.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to sit down and have that conversation (no letters!). If you want that consideration, you have to give him enough respect by asking him to his face, discontinuing testing him and telling him or making sure he knows you will respect that he is in charge.
It'll be ok, but you have to talk to him and be honest and then respect it.
Hugs!
P.S. I am really enjoying your stories.
I have a feeling that he just can't bring himself to be that tough when he sees you nearly ready to give birth. All their lives men have been told to do anything to keep a pregnant woman happy. You have to know that he's getting conflicting information now. Don't be too hard on him and DON'T be hard on yourself for wanting it. You are both right!
ReplyDeleteBut look out after the baby comes and he give you a little time for all your hormones to readjust. Then I suggest you keep a tight hold on your mouth and any bratty ways. He may feel it the perfect time to crack down!!
Hugs,
PK
Stormy, he IS so supportive and nice. I'm very upset with myself for the way I've been acting, it's so unfair to him. I am going to work very hard to stop pushing him and to treat him the way he deserves to be treated.
ReplyDeleteSara, you are so right. It's been a struggle for me to admit to myself, but I don't do well with change. I am incredibly excited for my son to be born and I already cant imagine life without him, but I'm also terrified of the responsibility that comes with him. There definitely needs to be a heart to heart to get everything off my chest.
CG, it is so hard for me to gather the courage to say the things that need to be said. I am a coward. You're absolutely right, though, I am feeling lost without structure. I'm glad you're enjoying the stories! :)
PK, I think you're on to something. He is very understanding and kind hearted, and I think he is letting me off the hook because he knows that I am tired and sore, etc. He just wants to make things easier for me! Poor guy, I don't hold it against him. Sometimes, my emotions just get the best of me.
Heather, I wanted to pop in here to see if I could get your email address. You commented on my Eden Fantasys review post the other day asking how you could do a toy review. I checked with my sponsor there, and she'd love to have you do one, but your email address isn't listed on your profile. :) If you want to email me at nicksbrat454@gmail.com, I'll pass it along to her. :)
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Tracy
Hi Heather, I hope you don't mind but I quoted you today. What you said rang a bell in my head and helped me figure some things out. I linked here too. If you object let me know and I'll take it down. My e-mail is on my profile.
ReplyDeleteHeather,
ReplyDeleteI was just in your shoes about 7 months ago. My little Tadpole is almost 6 months old and I can tell you from experience it is definitely the hormones but I can also tell you that it doesn't stop immediately after the baby is born. I am still acting that way ... I finally told Daddy I need Him to put His foot down! I stopped answering the "DO you WANT to ..." sort of questions and just wait for Him to make an order now.
BTW ... Welcome to the Community!!!
~Hugs~
Lilly