frustrated.

I am exhausted. Little boy has started waking up every 2 hours at night to eat (he'd been going 4-5, two nights he slept 7!) and J doesn't ever even hear him cry so needless to say he does not wake up. I breastfeed so I think he thinks he doesn't need to because he can't feed him but it'd be a huge help if he got up and changed him and then gave him to me to feed. Then he could go back to sleep. It wouldn't be so bad waking up but he eats for a half hour. Then he'll sleep an hr and a half and he'll be up again trying to eat! What happened to my sleeper?! He doesn't nap during the day either. He cat naps. And will only sleep in someone's arms. So nothing gets done in the house.
I am all fine and dandy with all of this. What bothers me is two nights in a row I was promised a spanking, and didn't get one. Both nights, I'd gone to bed expecting J to be coming soon after. Saturday night, I fell asleep almost immediately, so that wasn't J's fault. Last night, he told me he was finishing the beer he had open with our roommate and he'd be in. That was at 10:50. I woke up to him coming to bed at 12:24. So frustrating! And when I made a comment this morning about not getting spanked, he said it's because I fell asleep! Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't wait up for an hour and a half for you to come to bed. Gah!

Ok, rant over. Time to brag. MY THREE AND A HALF WEEK OLD SON ROLLED OVER THIS MORNING! No, you didn't read wrong. My child is superman lol I watched him do it and he made it look so easy. I was expecting him to roll early because he's always holding his head up and looking around, he's very strong. But not THIS early! I've got a feeling I'm going to have my hands full with this boy :p

Confused Feelings

    I think these hormones are getting to me again, but I am feeling totally confused. I find that lately, I have been testing J almost constantly. I know that's not fair to him, but I don't even realize it's happening at first and then once I do realize it, I'm so frustrated that I don't care. (Sounds horrible, I know). I push and push and push, and all he does is take it. It's infuriating! I'm not trying to be a horrible brat, it's just that by nature, I test. It's almost fun for me to see how far I can go, but it's really not all that fun when I realize I could go much further than I feel comfortable going. Is it crazy of me to want him to put his foot down and say thats enough!
    I'm starting to think that daily spankings are not what I needed. Don't get me wrong, I love having them, but it almost seems like J is just going through the motions for my sake. I want to know that when I push him, he's going to stand his ground, and that just hasn't been happening lately. I don't know if he's holding back because of the pregnancy again, since I'm getting further along now. The other night I told him to shut up and he goes "don't tell me to shut up," and in my usual sassy manner as of late, I replied "or what?" and glared at him. (Yeah, I know, bitchy.) He just shook his head and said "Nothing, because of the stress implied."
    I know I should be grateful for all he's doing. He's been so helpful throughout the whole pregnancy. He has been to literally every appointment, he cooks, helps clean, and is so so so supportive of me. He's been spanking me every day, whether he feels up to it or not. This morning, he got up before me. He came back to the bedroom and I was lying awake in bed. He knelt beside me and whispered, "Want a quick spanking before I start cooking?" He used the five fingered strap but was gentle. It was a nice spanking. And still, I'm left wanting more. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so beyond frustrated with myself. This morning, he asked me if I could please do him a favor and do the dishes sometime today. I told him I would, but the first thought in my mind was, I wonder if he'd punish me if I didnt? How horrible is that? He never asks anything of me. Grr. I feel so ungrateful, and selfish. I don't want to act this way, I just cant figure out how to change it. My emotions take over and I act on impulse. I feel like a kid again!

the need to be broken

I got my maintenance spanking last night. It hurt, but I didn't get to the level that I needed to be at. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. I still do. I feel like my walls are slowly coming back up and I don't know how to get through them and each time we try to break them down through spanking and don't succeed, the stronger they get.

After J declared that the spanking was over, my insides closed up. He could sense something was not right, and asked me if I was okay. I told him that yes, I was okay. I didn't know how to explain that I needed more. I didn't want to ask for more, he gives me so much already. I was torn between what I so desperately needed and my desire to just be content with what I'd been given. He even asked, "Did I not spank you long enough?" he sounded defeated, like he'd failed. I didn't want him to feel like he'd failed, because that's not how I viewed it. I just needed more, and I felt selfish for it. I still need it, and I don't know how to ask without seeming or feeling selfish.


AAAAHHHH! I just want to scream.

overdue

I am well overdue. Since about Wednesday, I've been feeling the need. I can't really describe the feeling, other than to say I just know it's there. It nags at me, begs me to fill it. I get sassy. I have an attitude about me that is not quite disrespectful, but dangerously close. I need to talk to J about it. I know that, but I keep putting it off. I am afraid of overwhelming him. So far he's done a pretty good job of keeping my spanking need satiated. I don't want to ask too much. Anyway, I've been looking forward to today since Wednesday (Saturday is our scheduled weekly maintenance day). So imagine my disappointment when we get into bed and it hasn't so much as been mentioned once today. I wasn't about to bring it up. Somehow, that ruins it. So, I rolled over and tried to put it out of my mind, although it was all I could think about. He could still remember. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He knew I wasn't telling him the truth but he didn't push it. Finally, he said, "I didn't forget your spanking," my hopes rose, ever so slightly. "you're getting it tomorrow," he continued. "I'm really sore today."

I felt like a bomb went off inside me. I just nodded, fighting off the tears that wanted so badly to rush down my face. I don't know why it felt so much worse when he said I wasn't getting it today, but tomorrow. I just need it. Bad. I feel empty now. He's been asleep for almost two hours, and I've just been lying beside him in the dark, unable to sleep. What's the matter with me? I know I'll get it tomorrow but right now, it feels like forever away. I am exhausted, but can't sleep. I need to be spanked :(

Rant over. Hopefully it'll happen sooner in the day rather than later. Our roommate is away for a week so we don't have to worry about him. Hope everyone's weekend is going great!