the need to be broken

I got my maintenance spanking last night. It hurt, but I didn't get to the level that I needed to be at. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. I still do. I feel like my walls are slowly coming back up and I don't know how to get through them and each time we try to break them down through spanking and don't succeed, the stronger they get.

After J declared that the spanking was over, my insides closed up. He could sense something was not right, and asked me if I was okay. I told him that yes, I was okay. I didn't know how to explain that I needed more. I didn't want to ask for more, he gives me so much already. I was torn between what I so desperately needed and my desire to just be content with what I'd been given. He even asked, "Did I not spank you long enough?" he sounded defeated, like he'd failed. I didn't want him to feel like he'd failed, because that's not how I viewed it. I just needed more, and I felt selfish for it. I still need it, and I don't know how to ask without seeming or feeling selfish.


AAAAHHHH! I just want to scream.