No Baby Yet!

    Thats right! He's holding tight in there. We'll be getting another growth scan on Wednesday to see how big he is. My sisters birthday is on Friday and she's hoping he'll share a birthday with her. I'm kind of hoping he doesnt have to share his birthday with anyone in the family! It would be kinda cool I guess, but, I also want him to have a day that's all his!

    J stopped the daily spankings. He didn't say anything to me about it, but I think he was realizing that I didn't really need them anymore. Saturday night (maintenance day), we watched a movie on the couch and he ended up falling asleep. I had to wake him up to drag him to bed...so needless to say once we got to the bedroom, he was out like a light again. Sunday, while we made breakfast (strawberry banana belgian waffles - amazing by the way!), he patted my butt and apologized for falling asleep and missing maintenance, and promised me a spanking before bed. Well, wouldn't you know ... he fell asleep on the couch again! In his defense, he woke up really early Sunday morning, so he was tired. I again woke him up and we went to bed, and just before drifting back off to sleep, he told me we'd have a spanking today.
    Now, this may shock some (or all!) of you, but I wasn't the least bit disappointed! For one, I knew that he was not intentionally blowing off the spankings or forgetting them, he was simply exhausted. Second, I am not thrilled at the idea of being spanked! Sure, it sounds nice, but when I start to think realistically, I know it's going to hurt! Yeah, yeah .. that's what I signed up for, I know ... but this past week, I just have not been in the mood. Not sure why. I know he's going to go easy, being so close to delivering and all, but I'll let you in on a secret, folks .. I'M A SUPER WIMP THESE DAYS! I am reeeeaaally sensitive. J gave me a love swat this morning and I actually jumped! Normally I'd be pushing my fanny out and waving it at him, begging for more but no, no .. not today! I covered my butt with both hands and high tailed to the living room where I promptly sat on the couch to avoid any more smacks. Sheesh. Sometimes I think about the spankings I got before I was preggy and I can't imagine taking half of that now! I hope I'm not such a wimp about spankings after the babys born or I'm gonna be in some deep doo doo!

    Anyway, we had a nice weekend. J's cousin made his first communion on Sunday, so we got together with his family for a bit in the afternoon to celebrate, and I stuffed my face full of cookies and cake :p
    My brother in law finally talked to J and tried to make peace (LONG and drama filled story, but to shorten it up a bit, sister in law is very immature and self centered and was alienating brother in law from his family and he just went along with it. She was treating everyone badly and he took her side and his family got fed up with it ... ). He apologized for the way sister in law treated everyone and  explained that they want to have a good relationship with us and their parents, blah blah etc etc. Not sure I believe it after all thats been said and done in the past but I'm willing to put it all behind us if they are. 

    I hope everyone had a great weekend! Happy Monday :D

Progress ...

    First, and most exciting, J is working days this week :) I love when he works first shift! AND, he had a holiday Monday, has the day off tomorrow for an ultrasound, and has a holiday Friday. So he only has to work two days, and the other three are still paid! Woo hoo! Gotta love a week like this.
    That being said, last night was kind of a rough one. I did not get my daily spanking yesterday. I thought he'd give it to me first thing when we woke up, but it didn't happen. Then, I started thinking that maybe he was waiting unil later when we'd have the house to ourselves, since he wasn't working, what was the rush? Nothing all day, either. Not even a hint. We went to dinner, came home, still nothing. By the time bedtime rolled around, I'd pretty much figured he'd forgotten. Despite the fact that my butt was still tender from Sunday night's spanking and I really didn't want one, I was still hurt. I started to feel like the spankings, and I, just didn't matter to him. I felt rejected. He usually admits to me when he almost forgets, and then ALWAYS says that he doesnt forget often, which is true. He really hardly ever forgets when there's supposed to be one. Anyway, while we were laying in bed watching tv, I worked up the courage to say,
   "You forgot today, you know."
    "Forgot what?" and before I could say anything else he continued, "Your spanking? I didn't forget. I'm skipping today because you got bruised last night. You'll have one tomorrow. I don't want your butt to be purple when you finally go into labor..."
    I rolled over, completely unconvinced. I wanted to say a million things but I felt my emotions take over and my eyes were filling with tears. "I think you forgot," I said.
    "No I didn't!" he insisted.
    "You're mad I didnt spank you?" he asked.
    "I'm not mad," my famous line. "You didn't say anything about it,"
    "Why do I have to? I thought it was my choice," he argued.
    There was so much stuff rolling around in my head that I wanted to say but I knew if I did I would just burst into tears, and I didn't think I could handle that right then. So I took a few minutes, sucked it up, and rolled back over to face him. He asked if I was okay, I assured him I was, and we turned the tv off and put music on to fall asleep to. In the dark, it was much easier for me to find the courage to say, "How do you feel about doing maintenance maybe earlier in the day on Saturday, instead of at night?"
    "Why?" he wanted to know.
    "Because it always gets put off," I said quietly.
    "No it doesnt," he countered.
    "Pretty frequently," I amended, waiting for an answer.
    "You don't like skipping a day, huh?" he asked.
    "No, sir."
    "Okay," he agreed. He then joked around a little bit, saying he'd have to stay up real late on Friday night so he could spank me Saturday morning between 2 and 4 AM. I'm almost positive he was kidding about that, but I felt good about letting him know I didn't like skipping maintenance.

    Today while he worked, I wrote him a letter, expressing all the things I'd been thinking the night before. My brain is kinda all over the place lately so I touched on a lot of things. I explained to him that I definitely was not mad that the daily spanking was skipped on monday, that I actually would have welcomed the break if he'd told me we were skipping it. That because he didn't say anything, I thought he forgot, which led me to feel rejected and uncared about. I told him that spankings were very intimate to me and that I looked forward to those times together, so when I think all day that it's going to happen and then it doesnt, I feel hurt. I talked about a lot of other things that I'd sort of bottled up, and it felt wonderful to let it all out. I think I'm making progress! :D


AAAAAAAANNNNNDDDD ... I got another chapter up at stories by a spanko
go read & leave me some comments, pretty please :p

Jumbled Post

    Sorry in advance for the excessive rant that this post is most likely to turn into. I have a thousand things on my mind lately, so don't be surprised if it makes no sense at all. You have been warned :)
    Lately I just feel .. blah. For no reason! While I should be enjoying these last few weeks of my pregnancy, I am absolutely miserable. I can't imagine what it's going to be like going at least 6 weeks with no spankings! I'm going to be a horrible, grouchy, b*tch! I can see it now. OMG.
    I have been struggling with feeling the need to be spanked, but not wanting to be spanked. Now obviously, I know that spankings hurt, and they are meant to. I'm the one who asked for daily spankings, and I find myself dragging my feet when it comes time for them. But damn, I'm sore! I enjoy the closeness it brings, and it is 100% worth it, but at times, I just don't want it. I think this is beginning to irritate J. Today, during our daily spanking, he told me he was going to give me 70 on each and then I'd be done. Well, he gave me the 70, and then randomly started swatting my butt, probably another 10-15 times. I complained that he was "cheating," and pouted for a few minutes after my spanking. He asked what I meant by that, and I said "because you said 70, and that was a lot more!" (ok, looking back, it wasn't alot more, but it felt like it!) He shook his head, disagreeing. "It was only a few more." We argued back and forth about it for a moment before I said, "Well, I don't like it! I'm sore!" He came back with, "Well, you're the one who asked to have them daily." Ugh. Men. "That doesn't mean I always like it!" I was pouting hardcore. "You better like it," he said, turning to finish dressing for work. That made me want to cry. (Hormones, don't you hate them?!) I felt so misunderstood, (I know, someone call me a waaaah-mbulance!) like just because I like being spanked, I'm supposed to like it all the time? Because I recognize the need means I have to like it? Well, I don't.
    I cry a lot at night. For no apparent reason. I feel neglected, but I couldn't tell you why. It's not like J doesn't pay attention to me. He's wonderful! He goes out of his way to make my life easier, especially now that I'm huge and cant really get around on my own. I haven't had a spanking that's made me cry in quite some time. Could this be the problem? Deep down, I think so, but like I said... even though I know that I need it, I don't want it. So I'm hesitant to bring it up.
    Maintenance got post-poned to last night again, instead of having it Saturday. By the time we went to bed Saturday, J said his stomach wasn't feeling well and that he'd give me my spanking the next day. It's not that I didn't believe him. I did. And somehow, that didn't stop me from feeling like he just didn't want to spank me. It seems lately most of my maintenance spankings get moved to Sunday instead, and it leaves me feeling insecure and unwanted all of Saturday night, all day Sunday, until I finally get spanked. When he told me Sunday morning that he'd gotten up in the middle of the night Saturday to throw up, I felt awful. I'd withdrawn into myself the minute I was told I wouldn't be spanked, and even though J had made me promise I wasn't mad that he was waiting until the next day, not much conversation ensued. I built a wall up around myself to contain the tidal wave of emotion that was surging through me. I didn't lie to J. I wasn't mad. He always asks me if I'm mad when a spanking gets put off or doesn't exactly go the way it usually does, and I always say no. Because I'm not mad. I hardly even get frustrated. It's a complicated emotion to explain, and the best way I can describe it is to say I feel insecure, shaky, and sad. It almost hurts  to feel that way, because whether intentional or not (and I'd definitely say not because I don't think J would ever want me to feel like this,) I feel like he doesn't want me. There's a multitude of reasons that this could be, in my mind. I'm too much work. I'm too needy, too emotional, too dramatic. I'm constantly afraid he's going to wake up one day and say to himself, Why the hell didn't I marry a normal, vanilla girl? I don't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm afraid of asking for too much. I often wonder to myself, when is he going to reach his limit? Will he eventually blow up on me and tell me I don't deserve all the things I ask him for? I don't believe he ever would, but there's a nagging voice in the back of my brain that tells me be careful, he just might.
    I have thought about other methods of disicpline besides spanking, things that wouldn't necessarily need physical involvement from J, or much less of it than a spanking would. I have mentioned a few to J in passing, but never brought them up in  way that would suggest I was interested in using them. Reading this post by CedenoGems at Peppered Backside, brought it to the forefront of my mind again, especially now that I am so pregnant, and in desperate need of emotional release so often. Since reading the post, I've thought much more about it. I probably would benefit greatly from a "reflection" period after a spanking, a time to gather my thoughts and process my emotions. Here's the kicker. I'm so embarassed about bringing this up to J, I almost can't bear the thought of it. It sounds childish, though I know it's not, and that it would probably be a very useful tool for us! I don't understand how I can still be so sensitive and ashamed about things like this? I am terrified of my husband rejecting the idea and thinking I'm some kind of lunatic for even considering it. I mean, after telling him I wanted him to spank/discipline me, asking about trying a reflection period (not necessarily in a corner since we don't have open ones in our bedroom and standing for any amount of time and not moving is really not an option right now as my feet swell like balloons if I do) should be a piece of cake, right? Yeah, easier said than done.
    I am tired of feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I'm ready to not be kicked in the ribs anymore. I'd love to be able to roll over in bed with one motion instead of having to use a six step process. I don't want to feel like shamu anymore. I want my body back. The one I felt sexy in. Because this, this is not sexy anymore. I'm swollen, uncomfortable, covered in stretch marks, and I feel uglier than I ever have. I liked being pregnant in the beginning. Now, I just want to be done. I'm ready.
   
    For those of  you who made it through this post and didn't find me worthy of a mental hospital, I thank you. For those who made it through and think I should be seeking some kind of mental health help, I think you might be onto something ;)

And So It Begins ...

   I sent J the link to my post yesterday.
   He texted me back, saying, So you want one every day?
   My stomach twisted in knots. I did want them, so why was it so hard to admit that?  I replied with would you mind? Its obviously up to you how you decide to do it, but it doesnt need to be anything particularly long or hard. Idk what it is lately, but I've been feeling like I need them more often.
   I'll see what I can do.
   I thanked him up and down for being so understanding, and not thinking I'm crazy (though I'm sure he still does, he just would never admit it to me). He of course brushed it off, and told me he loved me.
   Later, when he got home, he held me and kissed my head, and told me that we'd be having them in the mornings when we get up. I agreed, and the subject was dropped.

   When I woke up, of course it was the first thing on my mind. I was a little nervous, because I had no idea what he was planning to do for these daily spankings.
   It was almost noon when we woke up, and J went to the grocery store to grab some food that he could make quickly for lunch and have enough left over to bring to work. When he got back, I asked about the spanking and he said since we got up late, I'd get it after lunch.
   We ate together, and then he made a plate up for work, and I put the rest of the leftovers in a tupperware container and stuck it in the fridge. As I was putting the pot in the sink, J came up behind me.
   "Let's go," he said firmly.
   I was filling the pot with soap and water so it could soak for a little bit, and I nodded. "One minute,"
   J stood beside me as it filled, then reached out and shut the water off. "Come on."
   Darn. No such thing as stalling today! I followed him into the bedroom, where he'd taken out the strap. I groaned.
   "What?" he asked, as I climbed up onto the love seat.
   "Nothing," I said quietly.
   He smacked me with the strap. "What did you say?" he asked, yanking my sweat pants down.
   "I didn't say anything!" I cried, as the strap caught the bottom of my left cheek.
   "You moaned something," he said firmly, bringing the strap down again.
   "Ow! I just moaned, I didn't say anything in particular..."
   He gave me a few more before asking, "Why did you moan?" the strap kept coming down.
   "Owww, because I don't like the strap! IT HURTS!"
   This seemed to be a satisfying answer, as he stopped asking questions. "Today, I'm going to give you 75 on each and then we'll be done."
   I didn't say anything, but by the third or fourth of the first 75, my hand had made it's way back to protect my poor butt.
   "Move your hands, babe."
   I did, but they didn't stay in front of me for long.
   "Move them!"
   "I'm sorry," I whimpered, moving them back in front of me. I tried my hardest to keep them in front of me, but the damn strap hurt SO bad today! My body wriggled and twisted to escape the blows, and J was getting frustrated.
   "Stop moving," he warned me.
   "I can't help it," I whispered. "I'm sorry," and I was. I really wasn't trying to move around so much, but my body had a mind of its own. I felt J's arm go around my waist and he lifted me up back into position, and held me there tightly while he delivered the rest of the first set. 
   The next 75 started on the other side and they came down fast.
   I did better staying still with these ones, but not much better. He didn't have to hold me in place, which I considered a good thing. My hands came back a few times. He warned me that he was going to hit them, and that was the last time they went back. I know at one point I said, "I can't," which wasn't true. It may have felt like it at the time, but I certainly was well within my boundaries. Not sure why today was so rough.
   Afterward, he put the strap away and called me to him. He held me close to my body and asked if that was a good start up to the dailys. I told him it was. He pointed out that I'd resisted a lot, and I apologized. It was unintentional. I told him it hurt a lot, and he reminded me that was the point.
   We went back to the living room to spend the last 45 minutes together before he had to leave for work. I laid with my head in his lap and we talked. I asked, "Do you think maybe I'm just sore from the other nights spanking and thats why it hurt so much today?"
   "The other night wasn't very hard," he told me matter-of-factly.
   "Yes it was!" I insisted. "You used the loopy, and I was crying way before that..."
   "I didn't use it for very long," he pointed out. "Maybe you're just sensitive today."
   I nodded.
   "Tomorrow, it's going to be something different." he told me. When I looked up at him, he asked if that made me nervous.
   I shrugged.
   "Why?" he asked.
   "Because I trust you." I answered, and it came from a place that I didn't know existed to the extent that it does. Usually, I would be nervous. However, I trust J to do what he feels is best, and I know that he'd never go beyond what I could handle.
   "Even if I told you it's something you don't like?"
   Normally, my insides would churn at this. I'd imagine the worst. Instead, I shrugged again.
   "You still trust me?" he asked, and I nodded.
   I pointed out that it was Saturday, and suggested that a morning spanking wouldn't be necessary since we'd be having maintenance. He agreed.
   "You're still getting your big one tomorrow night, though."

   Sitting on a still sore bottom, I'm thinking tomorrow isn't going to be pleasant. I looked at my butt after J left for work, and have a semi-circle bruise on my right thigh from the end of the strap. Ouchie. You can bet I did everything I was supposed to do today!

   I'm glad, however, that J decided to go along with the daily spankings. I'm hoping that as well as helping me stay level headed and relaxed, they will help him be even more comfortable in his role. He's been doing an excellent job, and I hope that he can see that the way I do. I'm so very lucky to have him!

Ask, and you shall receive

   While J was at work last night, we had a text conversation where I asked him to spank me (again!) last night. I'd been spanked three out of the four previous nights, and I was feeling a little insecure about asking for more. I explained to him that I wasn't sure why but lately I'd been feeling like I needed a spanking every day. He was very receptive, and promised me a spanking when he got home.
   He still wasn't feeling that great (his neck has been bothering him, causing him to have terrible headaches), and I felt guilty that he was going to have to deal with spanking me on top of his pain.
   I almost told him he could wait til the morning, since usually he feels better earlier in the day, but once we went into the bedroom, he set the alarm clock, then went straigjht to the drawer. Ok, I guess we're on, I thought, just a little nervously. I saw him pull out the black strap and felt the pit in the bottom of my stomach start gurgling.
   "Do you want to lay down or kneel on the couch?" he asked gently.
   "I think my belly's too big to lay down, now .. so I'll kneel," I replied, grabbing my stuffed animal and making my way to the couch. I got into position, grasping my Stitch in front of me, resting my face in his belly.
   "Take your pants down," J ordered.
   I reached back and pulled them down, my legs quivering in anticipation. I knew this was what I asked for, but I was still nervous about it. Quickly I grabbed onto my furry blue animal and buried my face.
   He did not start off easy. The strokes were measured and crisp. He'd give me about ten or so on each, alternating sides, then pause for a few seconds before starting again. The tv was acting up (stupid Charter) so he'd give me a set, then get up and tinker with it, flipping the box on and off, then come back and give me another set. After only about three of these, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would. I really think that the breaks and pauses made all the difference. Lately, my spankings had been straight through, really no breaks to speak of, so I'd spent the entire time fighting the pain (and the emotions I was bottling up at the same time). When there was a pause in pain, the emotions starting surging against my walls, slowly cracking them and finally gushing through. He finally got the tv working and now stood beside me as I sobbed silently into my stuffed animal, bringing the strap down again and again on my burning butt.
   I kept thinking it had to be almost over, since usually my spankings end pretty soon after I start crying. But it didnt, the strap just kept coming down. Finally, after about 5-7 more sets, he stopped, and went to the drawer. I assumed he was putting the strap away and getting some lotion for me, but when he came back, fire lashed across my backside and I squealed, more tears pouring from my eyes.
   He'd gotten the loopy johnny. He brought it down rapid fire maybe 10 or 12 times before I threw my hand back.
   I'd tried so hard to keep them in front of me, but something about that God-awful implement steals my common sense and I just cant help myself. "Owwww," I sobbed.
   "I'm going to give you 35 more on each and then it'll be done, okay?"
   I just whimpered.
   "Move your hand, baby." he ordered.
   I did, and sobbed through the last part of my spanking. It hurt so bad, I kept thinking to myself this is what I get for asking for a spanking. When it was finally over, he put the loopy away and sat down on the bed, calling me to him. I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I went over and I looked like a hot mess. My hair was sticking to my wet cheeks, my make up running down in black rivers. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped my face and blew my nose, then went to J. I climbed into bed with him and he wrapped me in his arms.
   He kissed me, and asked if I was okay.
   Still crying, I assured him I was okay, and snuggled against his chest.
   He asked if that helped, and I nodded.
   It did. It hurt like hell at the time, but it was just what I needed to pull myself from the funk. As I lay in his arms, drawing deep breaths of air, I felt myself returning to a sense of calm. Everything was perfect.

Better than Ever

   I wanted to thank those of you that commented and showed your support while I was having a "troubling" moment with J. It's reassuring knowing that we're not the only ones going through this and that it's all part of the growing process. Things are wonderful now and I feel he's grown much more confident in his role after we talked. There were things that needed addressing and now that they've been "taken care of" so to speak, I believe he's more at ease. I have to remember that things are not going to magically happen over night, and that TTWD is a gradual process.
   I had to choose a card for our maintenance spanking last night. Lets just say I wish I'd never told him about those stupid cards in the first place! LOL just kidding .. but I was still so sore (and a little bruised) from the loopy spanking on thursday, so when I drew the card with all three straps on it, I was pissed! Just my luck. Anyway, it was 20 on each cheek with the doubled pink strap with my panties on, 30 on each cheek with the black strap, panties on, and 40 on each with the five fingered strap BARE! ouch. I definitely was sore afterwards.

After the spanking, J said, "You know what I forgot to do?" I shook my head. "I forgot to make cards including the loopy Johnny," he said, turning toward me to see what my reaction would be . I just shook my head. "You know what else I'm going to do?" he asked, a gleam in his eye. "No, what?" I wondered. "I'm going to make three new cards, including the loopy on them, and get rid of a few that are less effective that we have in the pile already." At this, I raised an eyebrow. "There aren't less effective ones in there! What are you talking about?" He smiled. "Yes, they're all less effective than the loopy." I groaned. "I think the loopy should be reserved for punishment only," I told him. "Because it really hurts." He thought a moment, then said, "Okay, here's what I'm going to do. We'll keep the cards we have already, for whenever I want to use them. I'm going to make new cards for real punishments. But I might add a few swats with the loopy to some cards we already have." Who is this man?!

I must say, I'm extremely happy with the way things are in my life right now. I have to remind myself every so often that we are tackling a lot in this one year. On top of navigating the DD realm of things, we are still adjusting to married life. We are learning every day new things about each other. We are getting ready for the birth of our first child. We are dealing with the financial burden of only having one income, and the feelings that I have resulting in this. I have worked at the same place (child care center) since I graduated high school. I miss it a lot, even despite the stress and what at times felt like very unfair treatment. Though we get by, there are times that we struggle. I feel very guilty about this during those times, because I feel that it wouldn't be so tough if I were contributing. Although it was J's idea for me to leave my job because of the stress it was putting on me, and the fact that we both feel I should be home with our son for the beginning of his life, I wish that I could help out. I know that once Silas is here, I will feel more useful because I will be taking care of our child but right now, it's something I struggle with. And all this before our first anniversary has even hit! (With any luck, the boy will be here before our anniversary, he's due the day before :p ) I am lucky to have such an understanding, supportive man as my husband. I know there are many spanko women out there who would kill to have a husband willing to do any and everything to make spanking work in their relationship. I realize there are men out there who are too uncomfortable with the idea to even try, or who are completely pushed away by the idea that their woman would want a relationship like this. I am grateful that my man puts so much effort into TTWD, and our marriage in general. I love my life! This turned into quite the rambling so I'll be leaving now :)

Heeeeee's Baaaackk!

          Wednesday night, we talked as we lay in bed. He told me that he understood that sometimes it's easier for me to communicate through written word rather than verbally, but that it is not that way for him. He pointed out that if he asks me a direct question, I had better answer it right then and there because it wasn't fair for me to brush it off like it's nothing, and be upset about it for days, leaving him wondering what the hell happened. I felt terrible for my part in all this. He was completely right. I had been thinking only of myself in those situations, and how could I expect him to do right by me if he had no idea what was right? He kissed me and accepted my endless apologies, and held me close to his body. Everything felt good again.
            I was supposed to go to the gym on Wednesday. A few weeks ago, after my last dr appointment when they expressed concern about my weight gain during this pregnancy, J and I decided that I should be going to the gym 3 times a week, no excuses. I asked J to help me with this, since I'd been trying to go to the gym a few times a week already, and usually only made it once. I had the best intentions, with no motivation to back me up. He agreed, and we decided to make up a gym plan at the beginning of each week, and unless otherwise approved by J, I was to stick to that plan. Anyway, to shorten this rambling and get to the point, I didn't end up going Wednesday. I didn't do it intentionally, I just didn't think about it. When J got home from work that night, though, he asked me if I went, and I just shook my head. Not thinking it was a big deal, I said "No, I'll go tomorrow instead."
             He gave me a look, one that I havent seen in a while, and replied, "Are you testing me, woman?"
             I shook my head fiercely. "No..." I really wasn't! I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
             "Why didn't you go, then?" he wanted to know.
              "Honey, I just didn't think about it." I shrugged.
              The subject was dropped, and I thought I'd heard the last of it.

              He reminded me yesterday morning that I needed to go to the gym to make up for Wednesday. I agreed, even though I didn't feel like going. However, I dragged myself anyway, knowing if I didn't, there wouldn't be enough days left in the week for me to fit in my mandatory three.
               After, I went to the bank and paid our bills, then to the grocery store to get some ingredients we didn't have at home so I could make dinner. When I got home I made corn muffins to have with dinner (J's favorite), and banana bread with the brown bananas on the counter. I was pretty much exhausted by the time he got home (it doesnt take much these days!) and I laid on the couch while he worked in the nursery for a little bit. Then of course I got up to make dinner, and we ate together. We had a nice night.
                When he'd finished up for the night in the nursery, he went and showered, and then retreated to the bedroom for a minute. I figured he needed to grab a shirt or something, so I didn't pay any attention. He came back, and we watched American Idol, and played with our dog for a while. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the loopy johnny on top of the mantle. How the hell did I miss that being brought out? My heart started to beat loudly in my ears, but I didn't want to draw attention to the fact I knew it was there. I didnt want to hasten my fate. Soon after my noticing the evil implement, J got up and put the dog in her crate for the night. Coming back into the living room, he grabbed the loopy off the mantle and ordered me to come kneel on the loveseat beside him, to put my arms on the back of it.
                   I did that, and he started whacking me with it. This was not a play spanking. HOLY CRAP that thing hurts! I couldn't stay still for the life of me, and I tried really hard. We had to move because I was almost hitting my head on the wall behind the loveseat. On the bigger couch, I had the bay window to lean on. There was a blanket up there I balled up in my fist and buried my face in. I could hear J talking and I struggled to focus on what he was saying.
                "Why didn't you go to the gym yesterday??" he asked, not slowing his assault any.
                I could hear the damn thing whistle before it struck my burning skin. "I dont knoooow," I wailed.
               "Was it intentional?"
               "Noo," I felt like I was literally on fire, each stroke searing my poor defenseless butt.
                Then he announced I'd be getting 45 on each cheek to start. I tried to wrap my mind around that. To start. I didn't know how much of this I could take. It was freaking intense. I couldn't keep my hands in front of me and had to be reminded quite a few times. Thank God he didn't give me extra for that, but I think he knew I really was trying to. I just couldn't. After that set, I was panting and tears stung my eyes. I wasn't exactly crying yet, but it took a moment to catch my breath. He asked me if I was going to go to the gym on time, when I was supposed to.
                   "Yes sir," I murmured.
                    "Okay. Now you're going to get 60 on each cheek." He lectured through these 120 swats about getting to the gym on my scheduled day, and going through him if I wanted to change days for any reason. Of course, he was right. Every time I'd asked to switch days he's approved it, so I should have just asked. Then he pointed out that I'd asked him to make sure I go three times a week, and thats exactly what he was going to do.
                      By the end of that set I was crying. He told me I could relax for a minute and take a break. He held me and asked if I was doing okay. I told him that I was, and snuggled into his chest for a minute. Once I'd calmed down, he told me to get back up for the rest. I was going to get 75 more on each and then I'd be done. It was intense. I cried, and squirmed, and my hands came back a few times again, but he just sternly told me to get them out of the way. When it was over I was sobbing, and he held me, kissing my hair. He told me he loved me, and we cuddled together and watched some more tv.

                      Even though my butt is bruised and still sore, I feel better. Things feel right again. I'll tell you one thing, I certainly won't be missing any more gym appointments. I NEVER want to be spanked with that loopy again. Ever.

emotional night

So after a LONG, emotional day, I finally wrote J an email telling him that I needed a spanking. The kind of spanking that forced me to complete submission, the kind where I must totally let go. This is something I haven't had in quite a while. I apologized for not telling him during maintenance, when he'd asked. I thought this would make things better, but I was wrong. After reading the email, J seemed angry, and he told me he wanted me to just communicate verbally. I could tell he was a little frustrated and he burst out, telling me he was confused and didn't know what to do, because every time is different. It's either too hard or it's not enough or it's too much and it hurts. He said, "I probably should know, and I'm sorry beceause I just don't. I don't know when I'm wrong or when I'm right or anything." I was shocked, because I felt like things had been going very well lately, I just needed the kind of spanking that would bring me to tears. It's not something I need every time and I had been enjoying and benefiting from our recent spankings. After a spanking that was particularly good or when I felt like everything went right, I usually make a point to tell him the next day, "last nights spanking was really good," or something along those lines. I didn't even know what to say, I was consumed with my emotion and I just cried.

I felt so disconnected from him and like I'd let him down by not helping him through this and telling/showing him what I needed. I wanted to tell him to just forget it, that I didn't want TTWD anymore. Part of me still wants to say that. However, I know that I wouldn't be happy with that, and I know it will be beneficial for us to work through it. I just don't know right now what he needs from me to make this okay. I don't know how to give him what he needs without diminishing what I need. I need to feel his control, his dominance. If I'm the one calling the shots, I don't feel that. It feels like I'm the one in charge, and that doesn't help me let go. I feel so lost right now. I still haven't been spanked. I'm sure he didn't know if he was supposed to do that last night, I'm not sure either of us were in the right mind for it. I don't know how to communicate verbally. I'm not good with spoken word, especially with things that are important. My thoughts get tangled up and I can't make the right words come out. When I write, it's easier for me to communicate what exactly I'm trying to say. I want to write a note to J, because I know that's the only way that I'll be able to tell him what I'm thinking and feeling right now. However, I don't want to upset him further by not tackling this issue verbally. I don't even know what to say. On top of this, I have to go with my sister this afternoon to take my family cat to be put down. I picked him out when I was 3 years old and he's toughed it out this long. It's going to be very sad putting him down, even though I know it's best for him. I've got a lot on my plate today, and I'm feeling like I can't possibly balance it all.

the need to be broken

I got my maintenance spanking last night. It hurt, but I didn't get to the level that I needed to be at. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. I still do. I feel like my walls are slowly coming back up and I don't know how to get through them and each time we try to break them down through spanking and don't succeed, the stronger they get.

After J declared that the spanking was over, my insides closed up. He could sense something was not right, and asked me if I was okay. I told him that yes, I was okay. I didn't know how to explain that I needed more. I didn't want to ask for more, he gives me so much already. I was torn between what I so desperately needed and my desire to just be content with what I'd been given. He even asked, "Did I not spank you long enough?" he sounded defeated, like he'd failed. I didn't want him to feel like he'd failed, because that's not how I viewed it. I just needed more, and I felt selfish for it. I still need it, and I don't know how to ask without seeming or feeling selfish.


AAAAHHHH! I just want to scream.

overdue

I am well overdue. Since about Wednesday, I've been feeling the need. I can't really describe the feeling, other than to say I just know it's there. It nags at me, begs me to fill it. I get sassy. I have an attitude about me that is not quite disrespectful, but dangerously close. I need to talk to J about it. I know that, but I keep putting it off. I am afraid of overwhelming him. So far he's done a pretty good job of keeping my spanking need satiated. I don't want to ask too much. Anyway, I've been looking forward to today since Wednesday (Saturday is our scheduled weekly maintenance day). So imagine my disappointment when we get into bed and it hasn't so much as been mentioned once today. I wasn't about to bring it up. Somehow, that ruins it. So, I rolled over and tried to put it out of my mind, although it was all I could think about. He could still remember. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He knew I wasn't telling him the truth but he didn't push it. Finally, he said, "I didn't forget your spanking," my hopes rose, ever so slightly. "you're getting it tomorrow," he continued. "I'm really sore today."

I felt like a bomb went off inside me. I just nodded, fighting off the tears that wanted so badly to rush down my face. I don't know why it felt so much worse when he said I wasn't getting it today, but tomorrow. I just need it. Bad. I feel empty now. He's been asleep for almost two hours, and I've just been lying beside him in the dark, unable to sleep. What's the matter with me? I know I'll get it tomorrow but right now, it feels like forever away. I am exhausted, but can't sleep. I need to be spanked :(

Rant over. Hopefully it'll happen sooner in the day rather than later. Our roommate is away for a week so we don't have to worry about him. Hope everyone's weekend is going great!

Thinking about tears & crying

I was on Fetlife today and read a thread that got me thinking about tears. I used to seldom cry during a spanking, and it happened even less often when I was actually being punished. I can take quite a bit when I'm being spanked, even if I feel like it's too much. I can't process any emotions or think about why I'm being spanked, because my mind focuses on fighting the pain, and not the actual reason for it. I cry much more often now, because J will give me sets of swats. Now that I have a minute or two between sets when my backside isn't being assaulted, I have time to consider what I've done, or the emotions I've got inside that I need to release, and I'm able to process these. The tears come even sooner when J talks to me in between sets about why I'm being spanked (if it's punishment), or about my sadness/grief/stress etc. I enjoy fun, erotic spankings that don't result in tears, but once in a while, this girl just needs to cry!

So, I'm curious to hear about everyone else's experiences. Do you cry often? Every time? Not at all? What elements to a spanking assist/hinder your process of getting to the point of tears?

Honesty Pays

            When J and I first started this journey a little over a year ago, we started out slow. There were aspects that he wasn't entirely comfortable with, and he took control little by little. Up until the no texting and driving rule, I hadn't had any specific expectations put upon me. It went without saying that whatever he asked of me was to be done, and I was to treat him respectfully, but he'd never made those rules. Like I said, they went without saying. So when he decided to put his foot down and make it clear that I was not to text and drive anymore, it felt good. (This was something I did quite often, on a daily basis. I've become an expert at texting without even looking at the keyboard, so I didn't consider it dangerous, though I know that it can be. Something unexpected could happen if my eyes slip away from the road for one moment. I just never thought about it that way before.) I didn't think it would be hard to stop. He voiced his concern that if I didn't tell him that I hadn't followed the rule, that he would never know if I'd broken it. I agreed, and I even wrote out a "pact" to him on a piece of paper, that he now carries in his wallet. It said something along the lines of I promise to not text and drive anymore, and I also promise that if I ever break this pact, I will be honest and tell J anytime it happens, and signed my name.
            Yesterday was a terrible day. I was emotional and pre-occupied and just having one of those days. So when he texted me, and I picked up my phone, I thought nothing of it. It wasn't until I'd hit send that I realized what I'd just done. I hated the thought that I'd broken a promise I made to J. I was afraid that he was going to feel let down by me, disappointed. I hate disappointing anyone, but especially him. I knew that he was already having an awful day, and didn't want to add to his frustration by telling him what I'd done. I considered not telling him at all, after all, I'd worked hard at keeping my promise, and I really hadn't meant to disobey him. However, judging how I felt about breaking the pact, I knew my guilt would eat me from the inside out, and I'd end up confessing at a later time, getting myself into trouble not only for the texting, but for meaning to keep it from him. So then, I thought about giving him a night to get over the rest of the days stresses, and tell him today that I'd messed up and broke the pact. In the end, I knew that either way, he was going to be upset, and I didn't want to compact it by not fessing up right away. I wrote him a note. I explained that I was stressed and emotional and pre-occupied, and hadn't realized what I was doing. I acknowledged that having all that on my mind didn't excuse breaking the rule, but I wanted him to know it wasn't deliberate. I told him that I didn't want to make his day any worse, but I just couldn't keep it from him. I apologized, and told him that I loved him. It felt good writing it all out, and getting it off my chest. I was still nervous about how he was going to react, but I knew I was doing the right thing. When he got home, we watched a little bit of tv together and he had something to eat. I let him unwind and before he got in the shower, I gave him the note.
           I felt like I could cry, I was so disappointed in myself. After reading through it, he hugged me and thanked me for being honest. He told me that although I was going to be punished, that he was going to go easy on me, because I'd told him the truth and he knew how hard that must have been for me. He decided that since we'd both had long and stressful days, that last night probably wasn't the best time for us to address the punsihment, and that it would take place this afternoon before he went to work.
            I experienced the loopy for real for the first time today. He spanked me for two straight minutes, but graciously let me leave my pants up. That thing stings like nothing I've ever experienced. Even over my pants, my butt was hot and bright red when he'd finished. OW. I don't want to EVER have to get that on my bare butt. Makes me shiver just thinking about it.

All in all, I feel much better having put it behind us. This morning, my wonderful husband talked me into making a hair appointment and I got the hair cut I've been dying to get for about two months now. I go through phases where I want my hair long and then I get sick of it and need a change, so I got it chopped, and even added some bangs. I'm LOVING it! So glad he suggested it. FINALLY, the weekend is here! Tomorrow, we have a 3D ultrasound to see our little man, and then we're going to start painting the nursery :) :) :)

Have a GREAT weekend everyone!

He's getting good ...

This morning, I was woken up my the roommate's dog. NOT HAPPY. He is sooooo effing lazy when it comes to taking care of his dog it's incredible. She was crying for a half hour, WAILING, to be let out of her crate to go outside. After the first five minutes, I was about to get up and take her out myself, when I heard my roommate open his bedroom door, so I assumed he was going to. WRONG. I heard him moving about the house for another 20 or so minutes, even feeding the fish before taking his dog outside. How freaking inconsiderate. HELLO, you do not live alone, and the pregnant girl doesn't sleep well at night!!!!! WTF. Ok, glad I got that off my chest.

So anyway, after laying awake for another half hour, trying to make myself fall back to sleep, I gave up and went out to the living room. The roommate had left for work (the one day of the week he isnt working from home,) and his dog was whimpering in her crate again. I let her out and played with her for a little bit, then took her for a walk around our neighborhood before putting her back in her crate so I could try to sleep on the couch. I drifted off for a little bit, then woke up to J coming back into the house. I lifted my head and looked at him, and he told me he was going to the hardware store in a few minutes. I asked why, and he told me he was going to buy some materials to make a loopy johnny. I decided to go with him.

He found an random handle that something had been broken off of. It had a screw in the top, and he decided it was perfect. Since it was broken, we didn't have to even pay for it. Then we went to Lowe's, and he bought some 1/4" vinyl tubing. The whole time we walked around the store he sang a jingle he made up about spanking my bum. Greeeeeaaaat. He was a little too excited about this, if you ask me. Anyway, we got home and he made the darn thing in like 15 minutes! Geesh. I was in the middle of eating lunch when he finished and he came into the living room and made me lie on the couch so he could give me a few practice swats. OUCH! He decided he wanted to modify it, and left me in peace to finish my lunch. After fixing it to his liking, he sat down with me and ate, then rushed me to finish mine so he could spank me again with it. I swear, the man's losing it. He let me keep my sweatpants up, thankfully, because that thing stings like the devil! For the last few swats he wanted to "try it on the bare butt", and those were torture! And he was going light. Crap. He thought I was kidding about how much fuss I was making, so I told him to smack his hand with it, and he did, and got an evil grin and said, "Oh yeah, it's got some sting. I think I like this thing!"

Let me tell you, I'll be on my best behavior as long as this things around!!

Me and my darn mouth!

Lately, I've been sending J blog entries that I particularly like/relate to, and he's been reading them. Well, brilliant me had to go and send him one that had an idea in it that he liked just a little too much. This afternoon, we were making lunch together and I playfully said something sassy. He then informed me smugly that he wanted me to make "punishment cards" detailing specific punishments. (Thanks Audra! ;p ) I thought he was kidding! Nope.

He told me I was to make up seven cards. They were to detail specific implements, number of swats or minutes with each implement, and severity. "They're not going to be used every time, but we'll keep them in the punishment drawer and I'll tell you when you need to choose one." I nodded, still shocked into silence. He went on to say, "However you might just be choosing one tonight."

"What! Why?" I pouted.

He looked at the coffee table, covered in papers, dvds, and books, among other things. "Didn't I ask you to do something a few days ago?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Did you do it?" he asked.

"No sir," I answered quietly.

He nodded his head, a tight lipped smile on his face. "Huh. There's a chance for slight redemption, but even if you clean it today, you're not going to be off the hook." he informed me, reaching over and lacing his fingers with mine.

I blushed, not used to him being this forward about being in control. When he got up to get changed for work, I followed him into our bedroom like I usually do. I like to steal kisses and gentle touches while he's changing ;)

When he took his shirt off, I hugged him, pressing my face against his bare chest. I love the feeling of his warm skin against my face. He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my head back, kissing me on the lips. "Don't forget those cards," he reminded me, and reached down to squeeze my butt. Then he turned me around and bent me over, telling me to put my hands on the bed. He gave me a dozen smacks and reminded me to clear the empty water bottles off the bedside table, then let me back up. After he finished changing, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on the top of my head. I soaked the moment in, because I really cherish these moments we have together before he leaves for the night.

Once I was alone, I started trying to brainstorm for the cards. Well, I was just stumped! I never imagined how hard it would be to create punishments for myself, until I tried to do it. I emailed back and forth with Audra for a bit to try to get some ideas, and she gave me plenty of good ones! I sat down and tried again to write some up, but was still at a loss. We have a variety of implements, and I couldn't figure out how to some how to incorporate the majority of them. Plus, I have a pretty high tolerance, and most of our play spankings are pretty extended so trying to figure out numbers of swats and times for punishment was difficult. I texted J and confessed I was having a hard time making the cards.

How come? What's troublesome? he asked.
Idk! I cant think of anything. I don't know how long, or how hard, etc. It's hard to come up with punishments for myself!
Being the sympathetic husband he is, he replied, Isn't that the point?
Ugh. I dont know how to make a pouty face via text but if I did I would soooo send you one right now!
He wasn't impressed with that. You don't want me to have to make them out, do ya?

Okay, okay. Point taken. So we decided I'd write out some ideas, and send them to him and he'd let me know if I was on the right track. He seemed pleased with what I sent him, and he told me to put them into the drawer for future use.

So, the cards are resting in the drawer with the dreaded implements that could be used to deliever the punishment. They are all pretty wicked in and of themselves, but for most cards there are a set of swats with one, two or three of the implements. And see that little tub of cream resting on that holey paddle? Thats called "spank me cream". It came in a sexy spanking kit that we bought at Spencer Gifts. IT MAKES YOUR SKIN BURN! Especially when applied over a spanked bottom. Yup-you guessed it! That made its way into the cards, too. Oh boy. I'm beginning to think I'm in over my head now...wish me luck!

kind of shocked - thoughts please!

 I stumbled across a vanilla blog today that has posted on DD. The author was in shock, and wrote about how she felt DD relationships were not only physically, but mentally and emotionally abusive in nature. She also stated that it seemed as if women in the DD lifestyle use it as an excuse to not hold themselves accountable, as they are now accountable to their husbands. She felt as if the submissives lacked self respect and that they are not veiwed as partners in their relationships.

I can't speak for everyone in the DD community, but I feel that I am cherished in my relationship. My husband values my perspectives and feelings and what I have to say about everything. He would never disregard my wishes or hurt me in any way. He has never acted disrepectfully to me. I don't feel that we submissives in DD lack self respect or responsibility. I don't really even know what to say because I am in shock. I felt offended that someone would make these assumptions from reading a few Christian Domestic Discipline blogs. She even acknowledged the fact that the women are willing participants, yet claimed despite this it is still abuse.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this! I couldn't refrain from commenting and informing her that she was very misguided in her view on DD. Would you have said something or simply moved on?

On a brighter note, things are great with J and I. We talked about how I've been feeling lately and just being able to get everything off my chest has helped immensely.

struggling.

   I feel terrible being the person that says, "I wish my husband would do this, or I wish he would give me more of that." I know that I am incredibly lucky that my husband has taken this journey with me in the first place, especially given his original reluctance. I should be appreciative and accepting of all my husband is willing to do. (And believe me, I AM.) That being said, sometimes, I just feel like it's not enough. I feel selfish saying so because he works so hard and does everything he can to make me happy and yet sometimes, I look for more. Why is that?
   I dont like asking to be spanked. I dont know why, but it takes away some of the importance of the spanking. I'm not able to completely surrender when I'm asking for it, for some reason. Which then makes me confused because if I ask for it, why should I be resisting the same thing I just clearly stated I wanted. I just wish that he could "sense" when I need to be spanked. I know that there are warning signs, little changes in my behavior, that to me, are LOUDLY announcing, "I NEED A SPANKING!" However, I feel that he perceives these things as me being upset, or mad about something, which sometimes is the case, but usually the underlying issue is that I need to be spanked and cant voice it, which translates into frustration.

   It has been particularly hard for me lately. My body has been going through a lot of changes (obviously, growing a kid inside you does that!) and as excited as I am for this baby, and as much as I love him already, they have been difficult for me to accept. I have already gained 23 or so lbs, and am only 22 weeks. My doctor suggested originally that I gain 25-30 lbs total, and I know there's no way in HELL I am going to be able to keep to that weight goal with 18 more weeks to go. Disappointing. I have been feeling less attractive, even though J tells me all the time how beautiful I am and that he loves my belly and that he finds it sexy. I just don't see myself as beautiful right now. I look in the mirror and think: FAT COW. How selfish of me. I know that it is necessary for me to gain weight in order for the baby to grow properly and remain healthy but I am concerned about losing the weight once he is born. On top of this, my fingers are sausages and I have had to remove all of my rings. I was upset enough about taking my wedding rings off, but I also had to remove the ring from my mom. When she was growing up, my grandmother gave each of her chidlren a ring on their 16th birthday, and my mom wanted to carry this tradition on with her own children. I received mine on my 16th birthday, and my mother passed away only 2 months after this. (She also purchased rings for my sisters and brother for my dad to give them when they turned 16 when she was given the news that she wouldnt be around to do so herself.) I havent taken the ring off since the day it was given to me, so doing so was very emotional and a struggle for me. I feel like a piece of me is missing without it on, and everytime I look down at my hand, it makes me a little sad not seeing it there.

   Finally last night I decided I couldn't wait any longer for him to decide to spank me on his own, and I texted him, telling him I really needed a spanking. He promised me that he would give me one and that it would be a good one. He sure delivered. After he got home and showered, we went to the bedroom and he got the black strap from the drawer. He spanked me slowly and pretty gently at first and built up the intensity. By the end, he was spanking me pretty hard and I was bouncing all around trying to avoid the burning leather. For some reason, though, it never has the same effect when I have to ask for it. Afterwards, I dont feel the same sense of relief that I do when he just does it. I am grateful that he tries his best, and I love him tremendously for that. I guess that is all I can really ask for.

OH, snow!

           I hope everyone had a great holiday! Christmas was awesome for us, we got a few things for the baby (a red sox hat, booties, and onesie that I ADORE) that we absolutely love! We had a less than pleasant hour or so with our sister in law from hell but we expected that to be terrible so all things considered, it went well.
             The holidays are a very stressful (and sad) time for me, since my mom passed away when I was 16. Even though it's almost been 6 years, it doesnt get any easier around the holidays. This year was one of the hardest times because it is sinking in that my child will not know my mom as his gramma like he will know my hubbys mother. It's very emotional bringing a child into the world anyway but knowing that my mom missed out on my wedding, meeting her first son-in-law, enjoying her first grandchild, its very sad. I don't do well with the "sad" feeling. I internalize it and it turns to anger and frustration and I end up upset over the silliest things.
               J is very good at recognizing when this is happening, and understands that I have a harder time processing my emotions.
              

              Nothing out of the ordinary happened yesterday. We spent the day together, and I teased, and prodded him a little, hoping to elicit the response I so desperately needed. I pushed a little, and he looked at me, smiling.
              "You're cruisin, girl."
               I raised an eyebrow. "Oh yea?"
               He just nodded, and the conversation dropped for a few hours. A little before we were going to be going to bed, he looked at me and announced, "You're going to get 75 with the black strap."
              Gah. That's not what I wanted! When he says 75, he doesnt mean total, he means on each cheek. My heart started beating faster and my lower lip pushed out.
              He grinned, satisfied that he'd gotten my attention.
              I pouted some, and pleaded that he not use the belt. I thought he'd gotten past me begging to be let off. Sometimes I just need to be able to fight the punsihment, for it to make an impactl. I need the power struggle, need to be overridden and for him to take control, whether I'm jumping for joy about being spanked or I'm stomping my foot and demanding he not touch me. I learned that he was not completely indifferent to this.
             He looked at me, and his eyes betrayed the fact that he was struggling with holding his ground. "Why are you trying to guilt me out of this now?"
             I knew that I could probably push a little further and get him to lessen my sentence, but I didn't. Instead I hung my head and admitted, "I'm nervous,"
             He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I have to, though. I have to."

             We cuddled for a long time when we got into bed. He held me in his big, strong arms and I felt at peace, comfortable in his embrace.
              "I'm sorry," I whispered.
               He asked me what I was sorry for, and I replied that I was sorry for whatever I was being spanked for. "Don't be sorry," he said, stroking my hair.
              "Isn't that the point?" I asked.
               He sighed. "But I havent even spanked you yet. Aren't I supposed to make you sorry?"
               I didn't know how to respond to this. I just shrugged, and huddled closer to him. I felt him kiss the back of my head, and then he loosened his grip on me.
                He ordered me to go get it, and being the obedient girl that I am, I got strap and presented it to him.
                I laid over my maternity pillow and grasped underneath it. I knew this wasn't going to be fun, or easy, but I also knew that he was doing what he was supposed to do, and that deep down, I did need this.
                He started the first 75 on my right cheek and I didn't think that I could bear it.
                My butt was burning and I couldn't help but sway from side to side in an attempt to get away from the sting. I buried my face in my pillow and bit down. Finally, the first 75 were over. I was breathing hard, my heart beating out of my chest. The next 75 were harder to take, and felt much more intense for some reason, though he told me after it was just the same on both sides. Once he'd finished, I started to cry, and he held me while I did.
                He stroked my hair. "I love you baby, are you okay?" he asked, hugging me to his chest while the sobs shook my body.
                I nodded. "I love you too sir."
               "Do you feel better now?" he wondered.
                "Yes sir."
                "See?" he said, kissing the side of my head. "I told you I had to."

                We got hit with a snow storm last night through this morning, and J got up early to go out and shovel the driveway, walk ways, etc.
                I didn't see him for most of the morning, so when he came in, I went to the basement where he was shedding his wet snow gear so I could give him a kiss.
               As soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs he said, "Babe, why is your car out of gas?"
               I paused. "I thought there was like .. a quarter tank? I havent driven it in days, I didn't even think of it."
               "I had it running for 15, maybe 20 min in the driveway to defrost and your gas light came on. It's not good to be so low on gas in the cold weather, especially a snow storm. I've told you that a million times!" he reminded me.
                I nodded. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't think of it."
                "Well you shouldn't let it get that low in the first place without going to get gas that day. You're going to get a reminder spanking for this later," he announced.


Great. My butt's sore from last night still and now I'm in for another spanking. It's gonna be a long week, I think.