OH, snow!

           I hope everyone had a great holiday! Christmas was awesome for us, we got a few things for the baby (a red sox hat, booties, and onesie that I ADORE) that we absolutely love! We had a less than pleasant hour or so with our sister in law from hell but we expected that to be terrible so all things considered, it went well.
             The holidays are a very stressful (and sad) time for me, since my mom passed away when I was 16. Even though it's almost been 6 years, it doesnt get any easier around the holidays. This year was one of the hardest times because it is sinking in that my child will not know my mom as his gramma like he will know my hubbys mother. It's very emotional bringing a child into the world anyway but knowing that my mom missed out on my wedding, meeting her first son-in-law, enjoying her first grandchild, its very sad. I don't do well with the "sad" feeling. I internalize it and it turns to anger and frustration and I end up upset over the silliest things.
               J is very good at recognizing when this is happening, and understands that I have a harder time processing my emotions.
              

              Nothing out of the ordinary happened yesterday. We spent the day together, and I teased, and prodded him a little, hoping to elicit the response I so desperately needed. I pushed a little, and he looked at me, smiling.
              "You're cruisin, girl."
               I raised an eyebrow. "Oh yea?"
               He just nodded, and the conversation dropped for a few hours. A little before we were going to be going to bed, he looked at me and announced, "You're going to get 75 with the black strap."
              Gah. That's not what I wanted! When he says 75, he doesnt mean total, he means on each cheek. My heart started beating faster and my lower lip pushed out.
              He grinned, satisfied that he'd gotten my attention.
              I pouted some, and pleaded that he not use the belt. I thought he'd gotten past me begging to be let off. Sometimes I just need to be able to fight the punsihment, for it to make an impactl. I need the power struggle, need to be overridden and for him to take control, whether I'm jumping for joy about being spanked or I'm stomping my foot and demanding he not touch me. I learned that he was not completely indifferent to this.
             He looked at me, and his eyes betrayed the fact that he was struggling with holding his ground. "Why are you trying to guilt me out of this now?"
             I knew that I could probably push a little further and get him to lessen my sentence, but I didn't. Instead I hung my head and admitted, "I'm nervous,"
             He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I have to, though. I have to."

             We cuddled for a long time when we got into bed. He held me in his big, strong arms and I felt at peace, comfortable in his embrace.
              "I'm sorry," I whispered.
               He asked me what I was sorry for, and I replied that I was sorry for whatever I was being spanked for. "Don't be sorry," he said, stroking my hair.
              "Isn't that the point?" I asked.
               He sighed. "But I havent even spanked you yet. Aren't I supposed to make you sorry?"
               I didn't know how to respond to this. I just shrugged, and huddled closer to him. I felt him kiss the back of my head, and then he loosened his grip on me.
                He ordered me to go get it, and being the obedient girl that I am, I got strap and presented it to him.
                I laid over my maternity pillow and grasped underneath it. I knew this wasn't going to be fun, or easy, but I also knew that he was doing what he was supposed to do, and that deep down, I did need this.
                He started the first 75 on my right cheek and I didn't think that I could bear it.
                My butt was burning and I couldn't help but sway from side to side in an attempt to get away from the sting. I buried my face in my pillow and bit down. Finally, the first 75 were over. I was breathing hard, my heart beating out of my chest. The next 75 were harder to take, and felt much more intense for some reason, though he told me after it was just the same on both sides. Once he'd finished, I started to cry, and he held me while I did.
                He stroked my hair. "I love you baby, are you okay?" he asked, hugging me to his chest while the sobs shook my body.
                I nodded. "I love you too sir."
               "Do you feel better now?" he wondered.
                "Yes sir."
                "See?" he said, kissing the side of my head. "I told you I had to."

                We got hit with a snow storm last night through this morning, and J got up early to go out and shovel the driveway, walk ways, etc.
                I didn't see him for most of the morning, so when he came in, I went to the basement where he was shedding his wet snow gear so I could give him a kiss.
               As soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs he said, "Babe, why is your car out of gas?"
               I paused. "I thought there was like .. a quarter tank? I havent driven it in days, I didn't even think of it."
               "I had it running for 15, maybe 20 min in the driveway to defrost and your gas light came on. It's not good to be so low on gas in the cold weather, especially a snow storm. I've told you that a million times!" he reminded me.
                I nodded. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't think of it."
                "Well you shouldn't let it get that low in the first place without going to get gas that day. You're going to get a reminder spanking for this later," he announced.


Great. My butt's sore from last night still and now I'm in for another spanking. It's gonna be a long week, I think.