I felt so disconnected from him and like I'd let him down by not helping him through this and telling/showing him what I needed. I wanted to tell him to just forget it, that I didn't want TTWD anymore. Part of me still wants to say that. However, I know that I wouldn't be happy with that, and I know it will be beneficial for us to work through it. I just don't know right now what he needs from me to make this okay. I don't know how to give him what he needs without diminishing what I need. I need to feel his control, his dominance. If I'm the one calling the shots, I don't feel that. It feels like I'm the one in charge, and that doesn't help me let go. I feel so lost right now. I still haven't been spanked. I'm sure he didn't know if he was supposed to do that last night, I'm not sure either of us were in the right mind for it. I don't know how to communicate verbally. I'm not good with spoken word, especially with things that are important. My thoughts get tangled up and I can't make the right words come out. When I write, it's easier for me to communicate what exactly I'm trying to say. I want to write a note to J, because I know that's the only way that I'll be able to tell him what I'm thinking and feeling right now. However, I don't want to upset him further by not tackling this issue verbally. I don't even know what to say. On top of this, I have to go with my sister this afternoon to take my family cat to be put down. I picked him out when I was 3 years old and he's toughed it out this long. It's going to be very sad putting him down, even though I know it's best for him. I've got a lot on my plate today, and I'm feeling like I can't possibly balance it all.Tuesday, February 22, 2011
emotional night
So after a LONG, emotional day, I finally wrote J an email telling him that I needed a spanking. The kind of spanking that forced me to complete submission, the kind where I must totally let go. This is something I haven't had in quite a while. I apologized for not telling him during maintenance, when he'd asked. I thought this would make things better, but I was wrong. After reading the email, J seemed angry, and he told me he wanted me to just communicate verbally. I could tell he was a little frustrated and he burst out, telling me he was confused and didn't know what to do, because every time is different. It's either too hard or it's not enough or it's too much and it hurts. He said, "I probably should know, and I'm sorry beceause I just don't. I don't know when I'm wrong or when I'm right or anything." I was shocked, because I felt like things had been going very well lately, I just needed the kind of spanking that would bring me to tears. It's not something I need every time and I had been enjoying and benefiting from our recent spankings. After a spanking that was particularly good or when I felt like everything went right, I usually make a point to tell him the next day, "last nights spanking was really good," or something along those lines. I didn't even know what to say, I was consumed with my emotion and I just cried.
I felt so disconnected from him and like I'd let him down by not helping him through this and telling/showing him what I needed. I wanted to tell him to just forget it, that I didn't want TTWD anymore. Part of me still wants to say that. However, I know that I wouldn't be happy with that, and I know it will be beneficial for us to work through it. I just don't know right now what he needs from me to make this okay. I don't know how to give him what he needs without diminishing what I need. I need to feel his control, his dominance. If I'm the one calling the shots, I don't feel that. It feels like I'm the one in charge, and that doesn't help me let go. I feel so lost right now. I still haven't been spanked. I'm sure he didn't know if he was supposed to do that last night, I'm not sure either of us were in the right mind for it. I don't know how to communicate verbally. I'm not good with spoken word, especially with things that are important. My thoughts get tangled up and I can't make the right words come out. When I write, it's easier for me to communicate what exactly I'm trying to say. I want to write a note to J, because I know that's the only way that I'll be able to tell him what I'm thinking and feeling right now. However, I don't want to upset him further by not tackling this issue verbally. I don't even know what to say. On top of this, I have to go with my sister this afternoon to take my family cat to be put down. I picked him out when I was 3 years old and he's toughed it out this long. It's going to be very sad putting him down, even though I know it's best for him. I've got a lot on my plate today, and I'm feeling like I can't possibly balance it all.
I felt so disconnected from him and like I'd let him down by not helping him through this and telling/showing him what I needed. I wanted to tell him to just forget it, that I didn't want TTWD anymore. Part of me still wants to say that. However, I know that I wouldn't be happy with that, and I know it will be beneficial for us to work through it. I just don't know right now what he needs from me to make this okay. I don't know how to give him what he needs without diminishing what I need. I need to feel his control, his dominance. If I'm the one calling the shots, I don't feel that. It feels like I'm the one in charge, and that doesn't help me let go. I feel so lost right now. I still haven't been spanked. I'm sure he didn't know if he was supposed to do that last night, I'm not sure either of us were in the right mind for it. I don't know how to communicate verbally. I'm not good with spoken word, especially with things that are important. My thoughts get tangled up and I can't make the right words come out. When I write, it's easier for me to communicate what exactly I'm trying to say. I want to write a note to J, because I know that's the only way that I'll be able to tell him what I'm thinking and feeling right now. However, I don't want to upset him further by not tackling this issue verbally. I don't even know what to say. On top of this, I have to go with my sister this afternoon to take my family cat to be put down. I picked him out when I was 3 years old and he's toughed it out this long. It's going to be very sad putting him down, even though I know it's best for him. I've got a lot on my plate today, and I'm feeling like I can't possibly balance it all.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh, man hang in there girl. This has happened to Craig and I too. Its hard and frustrating for both of you, but this will give you a chance to communicate better and learn from it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you have to go through a hard time before you can move forward. I also have a really hard time telling C in words what I need...it is getting easier.. but I think it just takes time!
Sorry about you cat. :( Hope today goes ok.
Hugs to you,
Audra
Hang in there kiddo. I know how tough communication can be. Heck, I still write Jake notes and e-mails to this day. But, if J is asking for direct communication then that is what you need to TRY and do.
ReplyDeleteWait until you both have some free time with no distractions and talk. Pour yourself a glass of wine if it will help you relax and talk. It may be jumbled at first, but once you get going you will be happy you did.
Audra is right. It gets easier with time. hang in there and if you ever want to talk...shoot me an e-mail.
Hugs,
Tammy
I can't really relate to wanting that, but I do think TTWD is difficult in general to talk about. My husband won't allow email or notes, etc he insists on face to face communication. He's very good at it, but I can be evasive. It's a hard thing to discuss! Good luck, and I'm sure you will learn from this and even be grateful for this temporary stumbling block.
ReplyDeleteAudra, thank you again for your support! It really means a lot to have people who understand what I'm going through.
ReplyDeleteTammy, I would KILL for a glass of wine! Even though the doctor said it was safe every once in a while, J has told me he doesn't want me risking it (and I'd feel guilty, I think, too.) while I'm pregnant...ONLY 11 WEEKS LEFT and that wine is all mine! :D In all seriousness, though, I appreciate you extending your support. We're supposed to be talking about it tonight. I'm super nervous, but we will get through it.
Stormy, while it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel is very far away, it will be worth it in the end. I need to learn to communicate better, anyhow. This will help me do that, with DD and non-DD issues.