not so smooth sailing

Things have not been great. I am not emotionally in a good place. The reason for this encompasses many, many things. I have been this way for almost a week. I am constantly stressed out, no matter what actually happens throughout the day. We have a week long vacation coming up next week with my in laws and our roommate and I'm a little apprehensive. I'm nervous how the baby will be away from home for so long. I'm disappointed because I can't put on a bathing suit and lay in the sun and enjoy the beach, because I am disgusted by and ashamed of how my body looks. I worry that everyone will be watching me care for the baby like a hawk, and secretly think I'm doing everything wrong.

I got spanked yesterday. It hurt, but I didn't cry. I needed to. We missed Saturday maintenance again. J was tired and fell asleep on the couch. I knew he was exhausted, as was I. Obviously, he didn't intentionally fall asleep, but my feelings were hurt all the same. Even though it's usually painful and I don't enjoy the actual spanking itself, I look forward to maintenance. It's a chance for us to reconnect and just be focused on each other, something that doesn't ever happen otherwise, now that the baby is here. So, this being the third Saturday in a row that he'd fallen asleep, I felt unimportant. I was harboring a little resentment after what felt like being pushed aside. Sunday, J had a horrible migraine. I felt awful because no matter what he did, his head hurt. He couldn't sit up, or stand or walk without his head pounding. That brings us to yesterday, and I was all out of sorts.

I texted J telling him I still hadn't had maintenance. (HINT,HINT in other words). He promised I would get it, and he kept his word. When the baby went down for a nap and we had the house to ourselves, he ordered me to the bedroom. He used the hairbrush first, and I could barely stay still. It was worse than I remembered it! I begged him to use something else. Finally, he agreed, and he started using the doggin bat. Let me tell you, the damn thing hurts when it's used on your sit spot or thighs! He brought up the fact that I'd been teasing him about falling asleep on the couch while he spanked. I wanted to tell him that was how my hurt manifested itself, but I didn't. After the spanking was over, I felt just...empty. And upset. I didn't know why. The spanking was pretty long, and hard! Emotionally, I just hadn't reached the place I needed to be. But J had ended the spanking proclaiming that his arms hurt, so I felt like I couldn't ask for more even though I really needed it. He held me, and we talked a little. He asked when I was seeing my doctor.

"Tomorrow," I answered.

"So does that mean we can have sex tomorrow night?" he asked.

"Nope." I told him playfully.

"I might have to take it from you," he whispered in my ear.

"I might fall asleep." ok, that wasn't the best way to approach this, but I couldn't take it back now.

He was upset. "Hey, that's mean! I didn't fall asleep on purpose! You don't think that, do you?" he demanded.

I didn't answer. My eyes were filling with tears. Of course I know he didn't fall asleep on purpose, but that didn't change my hurt feelings.

"You do, don't you?"

We laid there in silence for a bit. I knew he was angry and I was afraid to say anything. The silence was agonizing, as I imagined every terrible thing he must be thinking about me.

"Lets go," he said.

We went to the living room where we sat in silence again. I cried again.

"I gotta say, it's pretty upsetting for you to think I intentionally do things to blow you off," he said finally.

Still crying, I was drowning in my emotions. I could hardly tell which way was up. I was so sad that I'd disappointed him. I couldn't speak so I sat in silence with tears rolling down my face. After awhile, and ALOT more crying, we hugged, and J told me that he'd expected me to have more faith in him than that.

He's right. I should. And, I do. I never thought he did it on purpose, though I was acting as if he did. I was already feeling insecure, and missing the spanking only amplified that, and I found myself in an internal downward spiral, positive that he wanted nothing to do with me. Today, I feel good about J and I. I know he's not mad at me. I don't feel good about myself, though. I need to work on a lot of things.

well, THAT didn't go quite like I planned...

     Let me be very clear about something. J did not try to spank me Sunday night. There was no trying involved. He did as he darn well pleased.
     We were in the basement, whispering about the baby when he stopped and looked at me.
     "Come over here," he said, walking toward the laundry area.
     I followed silently. I knew what he had up his sleeve, but I wasn't expecting anything like this. I thought he'd be all like 'Im sorry I fell asleep honey, do you want a spanking now?'. Not the case. This .. well, this was kinda hot!
     He stood in front of the dryer. "Put your hands up here." he ordered.
     "Why?" I pouted, but I did what he said.
     He started whacking my butt through my yoga pants. He spanked me for a minute or two before letting me up.
     My head was buzzing. I couldnt believe he'd just done that! J usually only spanks me at night, when we're in bed. He has never EVER led me over to something and made me get into position! And, folks, believe it or not...this was only the beginning of firsts that night.
     Later, we sat in the living room eating, watching the baby fall asleep in the swing. The minute I finished eating, J looked at me and asked if I was done.
     I nodded that I was.
     "Ok, get up and go into the room."
     He's never done anything like this before either.
     I did, and sat on the bed.
     He piled the blankets in the middle of the bed, and motioned for me to lay over them. When I did, he grabbed the doggin bat and started whacking me with it. He spanked all over my butt and thighs, making it sting. Once I was warmed up and squirming a little, he told me I'd be getting 100 on each side. They hurt way more than I expected! He did not stick to just my bottom and made my thighs burn as well. I hate being spanked on my thighs! grrr. As if that weren't enough, he then strapped me with the black strap! 100 more on each side! Pants down! He suggested that he wasn't done spanking me for the day, but thankfully, he did not spank me again all that day.

     Contrary to what I posted the other day, I didn't even try to say no. Frankly, I loved seeing him be so dominant. I think if he'd acted like he often does, and tried to cater what I wanted and how I wanted it, I would have been more resistant. However since he took total control and just spanked me when and where and how he pleased, I was much more compliant. It was like a switch was flipped inside me. I didn't dare say no, because it was clear that he was in charge and I had better just do as he says. It was pretty nice, actually.

     I wanted to thank everyone for their advice, concern, and support. I am feeling better now. I think I was just having a hard time when I last posted, and after re-reading, I realized I probably shouldn't have used the word insane. I was definitely run down and my emotions were controlling my brain instead of logic. Spending whole days with no human contact outside of a screaming infant can make a person feel a little nutty. Thankfully, I realized that he was crying way more often than a typical infant. Not only were his cries almost constant, they seemed frantic and as if he were in pain. I called the doctor yesterday morning and made an appointment. Silas saw the doctor and it's pretty likely that he has reflux. He was started on baby xantac yesterday, and if he does have reflux, we should see some improvement within a few days. I am hoping that this is going to help him feel better!