What's a Girl To DO?

I want to start by saying I am pretty pleased with the way things have been going. I was afraid that without me reminding him, he would just let DD fall by the wayside, but he hasn't. It feels like he is slowly taking more control, maybe just taking his time to find what works for him and us. I hope that someday, he will see the benefits this has not only for me, but for him and our relationship as a whole. I know that right now, it's all for me; smoke and mirrors.

The last time I posted, I wrote about maintenance and how there was supposed to be a second part. J tried to follow through monday night but literally as he was telling me to get over the pillow, the baby woke up. He tried hard to stay awake, but he just couldn't do it. We finished up last night instead, with a hairbrush spanking. It hurt, and my bottom was definitely sore when he finished.

Here lies my problem. I need a hard spanking. Okay, maybe hard isn't the right word. Let's use "thorough" instead. I have felt it for weeks now, the tugging feeling beneath my skin like I'm slowly being swallowed from the inside out. Time and time again, I have wanted to tell J that I need a serious spanking, but each time convinced myself not to say anything, because I don't want to discourage him. He is doing such a great job and I don't want him to think I'm ungrateful or something. I am having a hard time figuring out why I need such a big time spanking, because usually I only feel like this when I am very sad or overwhelmed. I think part of it is that I miss J. He's been so busy with work and projects at the house, lately. Between him being preoccupied with that, and me always with the baby .. I feel like we never see each other. At times when I am overhwelmed and have a lot on my mind, this feels like he doesn't care about me, doesnt have time for me. I know thats not true, but it's how I feel sometimes. Some days, it feels like we're on different planets, even though we're sitting right next to each other. I want him to reach up to my planet and pull me back down to him, where I belong. I want him to break down the walls that I put up, the ones that are meant to protect me from the rest of the worlds bullshit, but hold me tightly within while they keep everything else out. For him to bare me, both literally and figuratively, strip me down til there's nothing left but the core of my being. When I'm in that place, then I can see that he is in control, he's going to take care of me. I can see that he's paying attention, and he won't let me get swallowed by everyday life. He will always save me, catch me every time I fall. Those kind of spankings recenter me, reconnect us. I feel closer to him when I'm sniffling into his chest with a hot bottom than I do most any other time. SO ... where does that leave me? I promised myself (and J) that I was going to back off and let him take control. Does that mean I shouldn't ask for a spanking when I need one? Am I supposed to wait, now, for J to recognize that I need to be rescued, or can I call for help?



I don't know what to do! I hate feeling so needy and pathetic.Blech. I hope someone has some good advice for me, because I definitely don't want to be overstepping any freshly drawn lines...but I need a spanking! HELP!!