A Smooshy Post...and a Couple Analogies

     This is going to be one of those posts where I try to smoosh a bunch of things in all together. A lot has been going on over in our little corner of the world and I haven't had the chance to blog much here.
    
     For starters, J has stepped up quite a bit. He seems so much more confident in his dominance and has started to spank MUCH more! (I think he's secretly beginning to like it *gasp!*) It used to be that I didn't get punished unless I confessed to doing something wrong that I felt I should be spanked for. On rare occasion he would punish me but it never really felt genuine (like it was his perrogative). Now, he spanks me if I get too sassy, a few firm swats to get my attention. He punished me the other night for not doing something I was supposed to. He no longer stops when I start to plead and wiggle. He threatens consequences for blocking my bottom and follows through with them if I screw up. But it's not just discipline, either. He's spanking me much more just for the heck of it, and I adore it. He pulls me over his knee nearly every day now for a "have a good day" spanking in the morning, and often gives me a "goodnight" spanking before we go to sleep. He told me, "it's like this...you know how you have to keep a car warmed up so it continues to run good?" I nodded. "I'm just keeping you warmed up, babe." giggle.
    
     I am consciously making an effort to communicate better, and I'm suceeding! I created another blog (a private one) where I write to J about the things that I'm too shy to talk about with him. It's been awesome, and has served as a low pressure way to break the ice on topics that I have trouble broaching verbally. It's led to some interesting conversations and discoveries, to say the least ;)  ... Our sex life has taken on a slight d/s tone. We are trying new things, and enjoying ourselves and each other.
     I am learning to tell J when he does something that hurts me. I usually wouldn't say anything at all, and just wallow in my hurt feelings and assumptions on why he did/said whatever..I avoid confrontation at all costs, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is a habit that I've carried my whole life, and I've realized that there's no reason to have that guard up with him. It will only hold us back. Almost every time he's said or done something hurtful he doesn't even realize he's done so, and winds up confused and frustrated when I start acting out or pulling away. I dont want us to live like that, even if it's sometimes hard to admit when I am hurting. I don't like to appear weak, you know?

     J is sticking to his guns more, and I am trying to be a better submissive (like submitting even when I don't want to LOL). On Sunday, I was over his knee when I realized the bedroom door was open a little. Even though our roommate was in the basement watching football, I panicked. I tried to climb off his lap, but he held me firmly in place.
     "Please, just let me close the door, cmon please...let me up!" I struggled and managed to pull myself free.
     He grabbed my hand but did not pull. "Get back over my lap," he told me. "The door is fine. ***** is downstairs."
     I stared at him for a moment, not sure what to do. "But... the door's open. I just want to close it, please!"
     "No. You need to submit." he said, tugging just a little on my hand.
    I imagined myself pulling my hand free and making a break for the door... it was just a few steps and I just wanted to pull it shut! ... but I didn't. I exhaled deeply and slowly laid myself back across his lap.
     He finished the spanking, which was pretty short and light hearted, then let me up.
     Normally, one of two things would have happened. 1) he would have let me up immediately to shut the door, despite the fact that even if our roommate had come upstairs from the basement, he wouldn't have had a clue what we were doing...or 2) I would have pulled my hand free and ran for the door to shut it anyway, consequence free.

     I see so much growth in our relationship, on both sides. I feel happier, lighter somehow. The more control J takes, the better I feel. The bouts of sadness I often felt are happening less frequently. I am absolutely loving my life.
    

      One more analogy before I go:
     The other day, J and I were having a conversation about our dog.
     She is extremely energetic and playful, but she is strong (and doesnt realize her strength). We have a shock collar for her, that we put on her when she is around the baby (since she knows there are repercussions, she behaves and listens much better simply knowing she has the collar on). She loves him to pieces and just wants to kiss him all the time, but like I said .. she doesn't realize her strength and we need to know that she will respond immediately when we tell her to stop or stay down etc.
     I told him that she hadn't been listening very well that night and he asked if I shocked her. Normally, I don't, because she responds immediately to the warning beep ... but J pointed something out to me.
     "Sometimes, you have to shock her a little bit, just so she remembers she can be shocked."
     I giggled a little bit. "Hmm...I can't relate to that at all!"

Being Brave

     It started with a spanking.

     We were laying in bed together, and J instructed me to get the strap. I whined just a little.
     "Whyyy?"
     "It's only a good girl spanking," he assured me.
     Reluctantly, I got up to get the strap. I laid down on my belly and braced myself, but he didn't go too hard on me. It stung a bit while he was using it, but afterward, it actually felt quite nice. Once he'd stopped with the strap, he handed it to me and told me to go get whatever I wanted from the drawer. I browsed my options carefully, and chose the thick lexan paddle that is in the shape of a celtic knot. I absolutely love the way that it looks, despite how terribly heavy it is.
     We have only used it once or twice, and not for a while. When you don't use an implement for an extended period of time, you tend to forget what it feels like, almost (but not quite) forget that it's available for use. When you see it again, you get a rush of excitement, it's almost like having a new toy. At least, that's what it's like for me.
     He was surprised when I carried it back over to him. He asked me why I picked that one. After explaining myself, he reminded me of how heavy the paddle is. "I'm just saying, it could make this feel less like a good girl spanking and more like a bad girl one without me even meaning for it to."
      I just looked at him and nodded.
     The spanking did get more intense because of it, but not in a bad way. This paddle is unlike anything I've been spanked with. All of our other implements are pretty stingy but this one is definitely on the "thuddy" side. It hurts in a completely different way.
     When he finished spanking me, he put the paddle aside and pulled me to his body.
     I love how he does this. I adore being held in his strong arms, especially after being spanked. I feel so little and so loved and everything in my world is so perfect in moments like these.
     I don't know how long we stayed like that. Eventually we separated our bodies, and I ended up laying beside him on my tummy as we whispered to each other. He started to rub my bum and then he swatted it a few times to "make it red again". His fingers began wandering, and his skillful hands went to work.
     What happened next really shocked me, in a way that I can't even describe. To say it blew my mind is an understatement. To put it simply, he initiated something that we have never done before. He's never even mentioned an interest in this particular thing, so needless to say we haven't talked about it in the context of our relationship at all. He knew it was something I was uncomfortable with. What he didnt know is that lately, the idea of it has sort of appealed to me. I hadn't told him this because 1) I didn't think that I would want it in real life. Fantasies are much different than reality. AND 2) I didn't think he'd be interested at all. I guess maybe he did know. 
     It was a really powerful experience, and I honestly just don't have the words to do it justice. If he had asked me, I would have said no way. I probably wouldn't have even considered it. But he didnt ask, or really say much at all. That in itself was absolutely intoxicating, him wanting this from me enough to just go ahead and take it...it made me want to give him anything in the world that he wanted. I was already flooded with submissive feelings from the spanking I'd gotten just a little while earlier, and this just pushed me further into that submission. I felt totally dominated, in a wonderful, lovely way. Even though I was unsure, hesitant, even .. I never even considered telling him to stop or that I didn't want it. Because he wanted it, and I wanted to please him (and hey, it felt good). I don't know what it was about this that made me feel so completely owned, but my head was swimming with it.
     Afterwards we hopped in the shower together. He held me and told me I was very brave, and that he found it sexy. I don't think I've ever been more proud in my life, knowing that he was so happy with me .. my heart just swelled.
    
     It seems my man has tapped into his dominant side, and I must say, it suits him well :)

New Beginnings

I always knew that I was interested in spanking. By age 14, I was reading stories about spanking discipline online when my parents went out and I was left to babysit. I would read countless stories, distinterested by the sexual stories and drawn to those with a clear discipline focus. I didn't date much in highschool. Even after highschool, I only dated a few guys and I never even thought about telling any of them about my spanking fetish. This was something that was very very personal and intimate with me and I didn't feel I shared a connection worthy of sharing that part of myself with any of those guys. When I met Jack, it was immediately obvious that he is naturally dominant, and I was extremely attracted to him. It took me a long time to open up to him about my interest in spanking, but I am genuinely glad that I did.
When we first began incorporating spanking, it was playful and often erotic. He spanked very lightly to begin with, experimenting each time he spanked me, discovering that he wasn't going to actually hurt me.
Jack proposed on Christmas eve, and shortly after, I became aware that I needed and desired more from the spanking dynamic of our relationship. More importantly, I realized that I needed to share my desires with Jack, and that although it may be embarassing, he deserved to know about something that meant this much to me. I came across a book online called "How to Give a Spanking" (there is another that goes with it called "How to Get the Spanking You Want,) and I bought/downloaded it and printed it out for my fiance. I read through it and highlighted and underlined specific things that applied to myself and my desires. The most important part (from my point of view) was that it included the observation that if it was embarassing and difficult for the wife to ask to be spanked, then she probably is looking for the sort of spanking that will leave her marked and teary-eyed. This part of the book does not come until about half-way through, and let me tell you, it was torture waiting for Jack to get to that part. Since he works such odd hours, he spends much of his free time with me, not leaving a lot of time for reading. He had discovered some important tid bits of information such me wanted to be disciplined for real actions, and he commented, "I have no problem bending you over and spanking you when you're bad. But you don't do anything wrong."
After a month or so of his reading, and still not getting to the key point, I became frustrated and anxious. I wrote him a note, explaining that I wanted to cry from a spanking. I was terrified to tell him this, afraid he would refuse or think differently of me. He told me that he would do his best, that he wanted to make me happy and give me what I wanted, but that it would be extremely difficult because all he wanted was for me to be safe and happy and he did not want to be the one causing tears or pain. I understood this, and it became a lot more clear to me at this point just how much I was asking of Jack. I was overcome with appreciation for Jack and all he has done for me, very aware that many women aren't as lucky as I.
My spankings were much harder after that, and it was as if Jack was playing with my limits, exploring my boundaries and seeing just how far he could go before I would cry. We continued to play with spanking, buying new implements and testing them out, taking it day by day. Over the past weekend, I was starting to feel like I needed a spanking. I was short-tempered and cranky for no reason, and I felt as if I could crawl out of my skin. I wanted to behave but I just couldn't, taking every opportunity to poke or pinch or just plain bother Jack. He had asked me to do something and I scoffed. He told me that my behavior was going to earn me 65 swats with the black strap if I didn't change my attitude. I asked if I would have to count them or if he would, because it might be worth bratting some more if I didn't have to count. He told me that I was going to have to count, and that I could certainly look forward to a spanking that night. Later he actually gave me and made me count the 65 (which I did not expect in the least) and continued spanking me with a different strap when he'd finished those. He spanked me harder than he usually does, and after finishing up with the strap, he hand spanked me on my thighs until my eyes had welled with tears. I was breathing hard and had tears rolling silently down my cheeks when the spanking had finished.
I was ... relieved .. for lack of a better word. It felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders, and I was finally balanced and safe. I nuzzled into Jack's arms and cherished the feeling of his arms around me.
"How does your butt feel?" he'd asked.
"It's sore," I complained. "You made me cry!" I pointed out, unable to communicate this to him any other way.
"I'm sorry," he murmured softly. "But not really,"
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. "No sorries." I insisted. "Thank you," I couldn't explain to him how much it meant to me that he was so accepting and accommodating to my needs. I felt another wave of emotions and I smiled. "I love you,"


That was my first spanking to tears and it was all I could have wished for. Looking back at the past year and a half, and how much our relationship has evolved, I know that our future is bright. It is a wonderful way to begin our new lives together, and I believe it will only make our bonds stronger.