Getting My Mind Right

     From time to time, I need to feel J's dominance (or, I need to feel my own submission, if you want to look at it that way) in ways and times other than just before, during or after a spanking. Once I recognized this need, I began thinking about and reading about different submission exercises and their uses.
     After talking about it with J, we decided to put a white board into use for communication of tasks. This made more sense for us when I was working because he would write a task or two on the board for me to come home to, but even now that I'm home again full time it's useful. He'll sneak into the room when I'm busy with something else and write on the board, or he'll write it before he goes to bed if I'm already sleeping. Sometimes the task is something that needs to be done around the house, other times it's something sexual, sometimes it's neither. Usually I have the whole day to complete them, but for certain things he sets a time frame.
     I really love the task board, and the whole concept/use of tasks in general. It helps me reconnect with my submissive side because I'm doing things that he specifically requested of me. I have to get in the right mind frame to complete the tasks, and afterwards we are both left feeling rewarded: I have served/pleased him and am now feeling submissive and content, he has had something done that he wanted done and he has a happy wife. 
     He will occasionally have me stop whatever I'm doing and just snuggle with him. While this doesn't seem like it would be an exercise in submission, he often does it when I'm paying full attention to something else. Sometimes I feel annoyed when he won't let me finish what I'm doing, but I quickly remember the point of it, which is to refocus my attention back to him. Sometimes he will text me when he is at work and tell me to do something. Usually these tasks are sexual related, i.e. send him a picture of something specific, touch myself and inform him when I finish, describe a fantasy etc.

     I really love when J implements submission exercises. I love submitting to him on all different levels, but it's somehow even more thrilling for me to submit to him in a non-sexual context. I feel so adored and taken care of and watched over. I am hoping that in the future, submission exercises will continue to play a part and maybe grow to play a bigger part in our relationship. I find myself wondering recently about the use of submission exercises in addition to a spanking in certain circumstances.
     I know that when I am not in the right head space before a spanking begins, it is much harder for me to submit. If I haven't been spanked in a long time (really spanked, to tears...), and we haven't been using submission exercies, I am most likely not connected to my inner submissive. There is a good chance she's been locked inside a wooden box and tucked into a dark corner somewhere in a feeble attempt to dispose of her. No matter how much I know deep down that I need to be spanked, my brain is going to be trying to convince me to get away, flee at all costs. I'm not going to be aware that I want or need it. I'm probably going to fight it. And if I know it's coming, I'll probably be cranky and bratty up until it's time for it to be taken care of. I'm not sure why this is, but I am sure that it indeed is.
     Anyway, I've thought that it might be helpful to practice some submission exercises before a spanking, to get my mind in the place it needs to be to submit properly. I've thought about ways that might effectively get me there, and so far I've come up with these: (I've stuck to non-sexual ones for the sake of the DD dynamic but we use several other exercises with strong sexual overtones at times)

• have me go to the room a little while before him to get ready. for example, put on something specific he'd like me to wear, assume a certain position, get out a certain implement etc
• sit down and write something about the reason for the spanking. if it's maintenance, write about the importance of remembering and honoring our roles, if it's for punishment, write the reason for the spanking and why the behavior can't/isn't be tolerated.
• kneel in front of him while he asks me questions and talks about our dynamic
• corner time

     Not an extremely impressive list, and I'm sure theres plenty more I cant think of at the moment (if theres any you practice that I didnt list, please feel free to leave them in the comments!). I think using one or several of these or other submission exercises could be beneficial to getting my mind right, should I be in a place emotionally or mentally where I'm not submitting fully or properly.

A Smooshy Post...and a Couple Analogies

     This is going to be one of those posts where I try to smoosh a bunch of things in all together. A lot has been going on over in our little corner of the world and I haven't had the chance to blog much here.
    
     For starters, J has stepped up quite a bit. He seems so much more confident in his dominance and has started to spank MUCH more! (I think he's secretly beginning to like it *gasp!*) It used to be that I didn't get punished unless I confessed to doing something wrong that I felt I should be spanked for. On rare occasion he would punish me but it never really felt genuine (like it was his perrogative). Now, he spanks me if I get too sassy, a few firm swats to get my attention. He punished me the other night for not doing something I was supposed to. He no longer stops when I start to plead and wiggle. He threatens consequences for blocking my bottom and follows through with them if I screw up. But it's not just discipline, either. He's spanking me much more just for the heck of it, and I adore it. He pulls me over his knee nearly every day now for a "have a good day" spanking in the morning, and often gives me a "goodnight" spanking before we go to sleep. He told me, "it's like this...you know how you have to keep a car warmed up so it continues to run good?" I nodded. "I'm just keeping you warmed up, babe." giggle.
    
     I am consciously making an effort to communicate better, and I'm suceeding! I created another blog (a private one) where I write to J about the things that I'm too shy to talk about with him. It's been awesome, and has served as a low pressure way to break the ice on topics that I have trouble broaching verbally. It's led to some interesting conversations and discoveries, to say the least ;)  ... Our sex life has taken on a slight d/s tone. We are trying new things, and enjoying ourselves and each other.
     I am learning to tell J when he does something that hurts me. I usually wouldn't say anything at all, and just wallow in my hurt feelings and assumptions on why he did/said whatever..I avoid confrontation at all costs, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is a habit that I've carried my whole life, and I've realized that there's no reason to have that guard up with him. It will only hold us back. Almost every time he's said or done something hurtful he doesn't even realize he's done so, and winds up confused and frustrated when I start acting out or pulling away. I dont want us to live like that, even if it's sometimes hard to admit when I am hurting. I don't like to appear weak, you know?

     J is sticking to his guns more, and I am trying to be a better submissive (like submitting even when I don't want to LOL). On Sunday, I was over his knee when I realized the bedroom door was open a little. Even though our roommate was in the basement watching football, I panicked. I tried to climb off his lap, but he held me firmly in place.
     "Please, just let me close the door, cmon please...let me up!" I struggled and managed to pull myself free.
     He grabbed my hand but did not pull. "Get back over my lap," he told me. "The door is fine. ***** is downstairs."
     I stared at him for a moment, not sure what to do. "But... the door's open. I just want to close it, please!"
     "No. You need to submit." he said, tugging just a little on my hand.
    I imagined myself pulling my hand free and making a break for the door... it was just a few steps and I just wanted to pull it shut! ... but I didn't. I exhaled deeply and slowly laid myself back across his lap.
     He finished the spanking, which was pretty short and light hearted, then let me up.
     Normally, one of two things would have happened. 1) he would have let me up immediately to shut the door, despite the fact that even if our roommate had come upstairs from the basement, he wouldn't have had a clue what we were doing...or 2) I would have pulled my hand free and ran for the door to shut it anyway, consequence free.

     I see so much growth in our relationship, on both sides. I feel happier, lighter somehow. The more control J takes, the better I feel. The bouts of sadness I often felt are happening less frequently. I am absolutely loving my life.
    

      One more analogy before I go:
     The other day, J and I were having a conversation about our dog.
     She is extremely energetic and playful, but she is strong (and doesnt realize her strength). We have a shock collar for her, that we put on her when she is around the baby (since she knows there are repercussions, she behaves and listens much better simply knowing she has the collar on). She loves him to pieces and just wants to kiss him all the time, but like I said .. she doesn't realize her strength and we need to know that she will respond immediately when we tell her to stop or stay down etc.
     I told him that she hadn't been listening very well that night and he asked if I shocked her. Normally, I don't, because she responds immediately to the warning beep ... but J pointed something out to me.
     "Sometimes, you have to shock her a little bit, just so she remembers she can be shocked."
     I giggled a little bit. "Hmm...I can't relate to that at all!"

Being Brave

     It started with a spanking.

     We were laying in bed together, and J instructed me to get the strap. I whined just a little.
     "Whyyy?"
     "It's only a good girl spanking," he assured me.
     Reluctantly, I got up to get the strap. I laid down on my belly and braced myself, but he didn't go too hard on me. It stung a bit while he was using it, but afterward, it actually felt quite nice. Once he'd stopped with the strap, he handed it to me and told me to go get whatever I wanted from the drawer. I browsed my options carefully, and chose the thick lexan paddle that is in the shape of a celtic knot. I absolutely love the way that it looks, despite how terribly heavy it is.
     We have only used it once or twice, and not for a while. When you don't use an implement for an extended period of time, you tend to forget what it feels like, almost (but not quite) forget that it's available for use. When you see it again, you get a rush of excitement, it's almost like having a new toy. At least, that's what it's like for me.
     He was surprised when I carried it back over to him. He asked me why I picked that one. After explaining myself, he reminded me of how heavy the paddle is. "I'm just saying, it could make this feel less like a good girl spanking and more like a bad girl one without me even meaning for it to."
      I just looked at him and nodded.
     The spanking did get more intense because of it, but not in a bad way. This paddle is unlike anything I've been spanked with. All of our other implements are pretty stingy but this one is definitely on the "thuddy" side. It hurts in a completely different way.
     When he finished spanking me, he put the paddle aside and pulled me to his body.
     I love how he does this. I adore being held in his strong arms, especially after being spanked. I feel so little and so loved and everything in my world is so perfect in moments like these.
     I don't know how long we stayed like that. Eventually we separated our bodies, and I ended up laying beside him on my tummy as we whispered to each other. He started to rub my bum and then he swatted it a few times to "make it red again". His fingers began wandering, and his skillful hands went to work.
     What happened next really shocked me, in a way that I can't even describe. To say it blew my mind is an understatement. To put it simply, he initiated something that we have never done before. He's never even mentioned an interest in this particular thing, so needless to say we haven't talked about it in the context of our relationship at all. He knew it was something I was uncomfortable with. What he didnt know is that lately, the idea of it has sort of appealed to me. I hadn't told him this because 1) I didn't think that I would want it in real life. Fantasies are much different than reality. AND 2) I didn't think he'd be interested at all. I guess maybe he did know. 
     It was a really powerful experience, and I honestly just don't have the words to do it justice. If he had asked me, I would have said no way. I probably wouldn't have even considered it. But he didnt ask, or really say much at all. That in itself was absolutely intoxicating, him wanting this from me enough to just go ahead and take it...it made me want to give him anything in the world that he wanted. I was already flooded with submissive feelings from the spanking I'd gotten just a little while earlier, and this just pushed me further into that submission. I felt totally dominated, in a wonderful, lovely way. Even though I was unsure, hesitant, even .. I never even considered telling him to stop or that I didn't want it. Because he wanted it, and I wanted to please him (and hey, it felt good). I don't know what it was about this that made me feel so completely owned, but my head was swimming with it.
     Afterwards we hopped in the shower together. He held me and told me I was very brave, and that he found it sexy. I don't think I've ever been more proud in my life, knowing that he was so happy with me .. my heart just swelled.
    
     It seems my man has tapped into his dominant side, and I must say, it suits him well :)

Just Say Yes.

     This afternoon, I was sitting on the couch and J went into the bedroom to change for work. The door was open and he poked his head out, and motioned for me to come into the room. I shook my head. He motioned again, raising his eyebrow this time.
     "NO!" I whispered loudly. (The baby was half-sleeping only a few feet away from me)
     He gave me a look, and motioned again.
     Sighing, I got up and went into the room. "What?" I asked.
     "Why didn't you want to come in?"
     "I dont know. Why did you want me to?"
     Not skipping a beat, he replied, "Why wouldn't I want you to? Why does it matter? Maybe I wanted to kiss you." he said, pulling me close and nibbling on my neck. Kissing me softly, he said, "Maybe I wanted to smack your butt."
     "Why!" I cried out, pouting. Obviously, I wanted him to spank me. I just didnt want him to know that I wanted him to. Gah. I confuse myself, I cant even imagine how much I must confuse J. Poor guy. Anyway.
     He reached around and grabbed my bum, then gave it a quick couple of swats. "I'm just throwing out maybes. Why couldn't you just say yes?" he asked.
     "Say yes to what?"
     "When I told you to come in here, instead of fighting me..why didnt you just say yes?"
     "I will," I answered quietly. "Next time." I'm sure he didn't mean for me to think so much about this, but I have. Even at that moment, I knew what he said was going to have a significant impact on me.
     "No you wont." J said evenly.
     "What? Why not?"
     He sighed. "Because thats what you do."
     Of course, I argued with him. Because thats what I do. "No its not. I really will next time."
     "No, you'll probably disobey again." (Okay. Just hearing him say that word made me squirm! Gosh, I sorta love when he talks spanko :p)
     "I swear, I'll try to just say yes next time." I didn't mean just when he tells me to come into the room, I meant in general. I started to think about why I didn't just say yes. Why is my first reaction to fight against what he's telling me to do? I'm not sure. I think part of me is waiting to see where he will draw the line. Pushing to see if he's got it in him to actually punish me for something that he doesnt like, and not just because I asked him to. I try not to do that, because it's not fair to J. I try to just be submissive, consequences or not...but sometimes, I just cant help but push! It's times when I am stressed out, feeling lost, overwhelmed...I act out, craving his discipline, needing desperately to be contained. I just need to know, when I am running around in a million directions like a chicken with my head cut off, that there are walls to lean against, and they are unmoving. It doesn't usually work, but I haven't learned from that I guess. I am going to work on fixing this. I don't want to be this girl, insecure and needy, trying to get his attention (read: discipline) by acting out. I want to be good for him, because he deserves that from his wife.

     Just a little side note here: this morning, there was a commercial or something about not having internet for a day ... and J made a comment like "you would die if you couldn't get on the internet."
     I nodded my head, in full agreement. "I know. That would be awful." Now .. before I tell you what the next thing out of my mouth was, you all have to understand that I really didn't think anything bad could come from this. We don't have rules. J doesn't really "punish" me for things unless I ask him to ... so this seemed like a safe comment. So, I said "I read some blogs, and some people have rules about that .. ugh!" I was looking for a response like Wow, that's a little overboard, don't you think? or Some guys are just too strict.
     What did he say? "What, like not being allowed to go on as much as you do?"
     Woah. I did not like the way this was going! "No...that's not what I'm saying. What I was saying, was that it's horrible! I could never..."
     He had a look on his face that spelled trouble.
     If he decides to finally make a rule, and it involves an internet time limit, I'm seriously going to cry.

     Happy Friday everyone :)
    

Just a Word?

     After writing my post yesterday, it sent my brain spinning in another direction. I started thinking about all the things that J does and says that put me in a more submissive state of mind. These are just a few of the things that put me in a better place:

• grabbing a fistful of my hair and giving it a firm tug
• making me look him in the eye (although this sometimes makes me feel extremely defiant and sassy)
• having me get the implement he's going to use on me OR
• not letting me know what implement he's going to use on me until he starts using it
• ordering me to do specific things like not put my hands back while he's spanking me or hold a certain position
• putting me in positions for a spanking that make me feel vulnerable
• either taking my pants and panties down, or instructing me to do it myself...both have similar effects.
• leaving an implement out for me to see it before telling me I'm getting a spanking
• making me eat regular meals (sometimes I forget, guys .. or I just dont feel hungry! dont give me that look) or making sure I dont eat junk (or cookie dough, mm) before an actual meal.
• telling me put to on something specific to wear when I'm being spanked i.e a certain pair of shorts or panties
• having to wait in position or bare for a spanking
• making me tell him why I'm being spanked, why I didn't do what I was supposed to
• when he makes me choose a card, and then has me read it aloud to him.
• if during a spanking, I complain that it hurts and he tells me that "its supposed to," or "it needs to be."
• he asks to see my butt the next day, or asks if it hurts still the next day
• squeezing my butt kinda hard

     I am pretty sure there are a bunch more but by now I'm sure you all get the gist. The majority of the ones I wrote are mostly intentional, I think, but there are others that I think he just does naturally. Another thing I love is laying down with my head in his lap. I feel very submissive in that position, and it is my favorite place to be. When I'm laying in his lap, the rest of the world melts away. Nothing matters anymore except that I'm his, and he is mine. 

      Okay, folks .. now it's your turn! Girls, is there anything your man does or says that instantly puts you in your place? Guys .. anything you do or say with the intention of getting her back in a submissive mindset?