This afternoon, I was sitting on the couch and J went into the bedroom to change for work. The door was open and he poked his head out, and motioned for me to come into the room. I shook my head. He motioned again, raising his eyebrow this time.
"NO!" I whispered loudly. (The baby was half-sleeping only a few feet away from me)
He gave me a look, and motioned again.
Sighing, I got up and went into the room. "What?" I asked.
"Why didn't you want to come in?"
"I dont know. Why did you want me to?"
Not skipping a beat, he replied, "Why wouldn't I want you to? Why does it matter? Maybe I wanted to kiss you." he said, pulling me close and nibbling on my neck. Kissing me softly, he said, "Maybe I wanted to smack your butt."
"Why!" I cried out, pouting. Obviously, I wanted him to spank me. I just didnt want him to know that I wanted him to. Gah. I confuse myself, I cant even imagine how much I must confuse J. Poor guy. Anyway.
He reached around and grabbed my bum, then gave it a quick couple of swats. "I'm just throwing out maybes. Why couldn't you just say yes?" he asked.
"Say yes to what?"
"When I told you to come in here, instead of fighting me..why didnt you just say yes?"
"I will," I answered quietly. "Next time." I'm sure he didn't mean for me to think so much about this, but I have. Even at that moment, I knew what he said was going to have a significant impact on me.
"No you wont." J said evenly.
"What? Why not?"
He sighed. "Because thats what you do."
Of course, I argued with him. Because thats what I do. "No its not. I really will next time."
"No, you'll probably disobey again." (Okay. Just hearing him say that word made me squirm! Gosh, I sorta love when he talks spanko :p)
"I swear, I'll try to just say yes next time." I didn't mean just when he tells me to come into the room, I meant in general. I started to think about why I didn't just say yes. Why is my first reaction to fight against what he's telling me to do? I'm not sure. I think part of me is waiting to see where he will draw the line. Pushing to see if he's got it in him to actually punish me for something that he doesnt like, and not just because I asked him to. I try not to do that, because it's not fair to J. I try to just be submissive, consequences or not...but sometimes, I just cant help but push! It's times when I am stressed out, feeling lost, overwhelmed...I act out, craving his discipline, needing desperately to be contained. I just need to know, when I am running around in a million directions like a chicken with my head cut off, that there are walls to lean against, and they are unmoving. It doesn't usually work, but I haven't learned from that I guess. I am going to work on fixing this. I don't want to be this girl, insecure and needy, trying to get his attention (read: discipline) by acting out. I want to be good for him, because he deserves that from his wife.
Just a little side note here: this morning, there was a commercial or something about not having internet for a day ... and J made a comment like "you would die if you couldn't get on the internet."
I nodded my head, in full agreement. "I know. That would be awful." Now .. before I tell you what the next thing out of my mouth was, you all have to understand that I really didn't think anything bad could come from this. We don't have rules. J doesn't really "punish" me for things unless I ask him to ... so this seemed like a safe comment. So, I said "I read some blogs, and some people have rules about that .. ugh!" I was looking for a response like Wow, that's a little overboard, don't you think? or Some guys are just too strict.
What did he say? "What, like not being allowed to go on as much as you do?"
Woah. I did not like the way this was going! "No...that's not what I'm saying. What I was saying, was that it's horrible! I could never..."
He had a look on his face that spelled trouble.
If he decides to finally make a rule, and it involves an internet time limit, I'm seriously going to cry.
Happy Friday everyone :)
Yes, you will hate it. It's my most hated rule..and I still disobey every now and then because I can't resist the temptation. Right now he's gone, and I'm still held to it. Crazy!
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't get that rule (I'll feel responsible..)
Seriously, I would die. He's mentioned it, and said I could still use it for work but perhaps a day or two of no personal internet would change an attitude. Ugh, that would be terrible and too tempting for me. I'd fail miserably. I'm hoping he has forgotten.
ReplyDeleteYou know how some women have hard limits - never being spanked in front of someone else or never on the thighs. Just some things in this consensual power exchange that they can't tolerate. Well one of mine is that he doesn't mess with my computer time. I mean it's fine if he tell me to get off and do something or tell me to shut it off and get to bed on time, but no certain time limit.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first came out to him it was all because of the blogs and friends I'd found on the computer. I was a pretty cold fish before and Nick had loved the change in me so much he was more than willing to let me get my fill of talking with and reading about my friends here.
It works for us. I'm a much better wife because of my time on line.
Hugs,
PK
Trying to just be submissive seems to be pretty tough, at least for me, so I feel you there.
ReplyDeleteInternet rules would be bad. Very bad. I hope he stays away from they one for your sake.
Yeah, I've had Internet rules in the past...SO not fun! That knee jerk "no", the resistance, is worth thinking more about, I think. Sara
ReplyDeleteOh see. You guys haven't seen me out here because that had to be a rule fo me and still kind of is because my arms are so bad. Typing makes it worse. They've gotten a bit better, but he still watches and limits me. So, I hope it's not a rule, but just be glad if it is, it's not because it's causing pain in your arms!
ReplyDeleteYou'll survive. You just have to make him see there's no real benefit to limiting you!
Kelly
P.S. I don't comment much anymore, but I do still come out here and read!
Stormy, I can't hold you entirely responsible, you're not the only one with computer limits that I read about! I think it would be something that would be hard for me to obey. Heres to hoping I won't have to try :)
ReplyDeleteSusie, I would never survive a day or two with NO internet whatsoever. Sad, but true.
Pk, thats a good thing! I'm glad Nick was able to see how beneficial the bloggy world is for you.
Emily, it sure IS pretty tough. I try, but I am not usually sucessful for long. I wish I could be. I hope he stays away, too. I don't think he really would...
Sara, it definitely IS worth more thought. I'm getting better at it, now that I'm aware that I've been doing it. I have to consciously remind myself, but it's getting easier again.
CG, so glad you stopped by! I miss you around here :)
I can relate to this post in so many ways. I don't want to be that girl either, but it's hard sometimes.
ReplyDeleteAnd if Michael ever made a rule about time spent online...wow, that would be a really hard one for me too!