Just Say Yes.

     This afternoon, I was sitting on the couch and J went into the bedroom to change for work. The door was open and he poked his head out, and motioned for me to come into the room. I shook my head. He motioned again, raising his eyebrow this time.
     "NO!" I whispered loudly. (The baby was half-sleeping only a few feet away from me)
     He gave me a look, and motioned again.
     Sighing, I got up and went into the room. "What?" I asked.
     "Why didn't you want to come in?"
     "I dont know. Why did you want me to?"
     Not skipping a beat, he replied, "Why wouldn't I want you to? Why does it matter? Maybe I wanted to kiss you." he said, pulling me close and nibbling on my neck. Kissing me softly, he said, "Maybe I wanted to smack your butt."
     "Why!" I cried out, pouting. Obviously, I wanted him to spank me. I just didnt want him to know that I wanted him to. Gah. I confuse myself, I cant even imagine how much I must confuse J. Poor guy. Anyway.
     He reached around and grabbed my bum, then gave it a quick couple of swats. "I'm just throwing out maybes. Why couldn't you just say yes?" he asked.
     "Say yes to what?"
     "When I told you to come in here, instead of fighting me..why didnt you just say yes?"
     "I will," I answered quietly. "Next time." I'm sure he didn't mean for me to think so much about this, but I have. Even at that moment, I knew what he said was going to have a significant impact on me.
     "No you wont." J said evenly.
     "What? Why not?"
     He sighed. "Because thats what you do."
     Of course, I argued with him. Because thats what I do. "No its not. I really will next time."
     "No, you'll probably disobey again." (Okay. Just hearing him say that word made me squirm! Gosh, I sorta love when he talks spanko :p)
     "I swear, I'll try to just say yes next time." I didn't mean just when he tells me to come into the room, I meant in general. I started to think about why I didn't just say yes. Why is my first reaction to fight against what he's telling me to do? I'm not sure. I think part of me is waiting to see where he will draw the line. Pushing to see if he's got it in him to actually punish me for something that he doesnt like, and not just because I asked him to. I try not to do that, because it's not fair to J. I try to just be submissive, consequences or not...but sometimes, I just cant help but push! It's times when I am stressed out, feeling lost, overwhelmed...I act out, craving his discipline, needing desperately to be contained. I just need to know, when I am running around in a million directions like a chicken with my head cut off, that there are walls to lean against, and they are unmoving. It doesn't usually work, but I haven't learned from that I guess. I am going to work on fixing this. I don't want to be this girl, insecure and needy, trying to get his attention (read: discipline) by acting out. I want to be good for him, because he deserves that from his wife.

     Just a little side note here: this morning, there was a commercial or something about not having internet for a day ... and J made a comment like "you would die if you couldn't get on the internet."
     I nodded my head, in full agreement. "I know. That would be awful." Now .. before I tell you what the next thing out of my mouth was, you all have to understand that I really didn't think anything bad could come from this. We don't have rules. J doesn't really "punish" me for things unless I ask him to ... so this seemed like a safe comment. So, I said "I read some blogs, and some people have rules about that .. ugh!" I was looking for a response like Wow, that's a little overboard, don't you think? or Some guys are just too strict.
     What did he say? "What, like not being allowed to go on as much as you do?"
     Woah. I did not like the way this was going! "No...that's not what I'm saying. What I was saying, was that it's horrible! I could never..."
     He had a look on his face that spelled trouble.
     If he decides to finally make a rule, and it involves an internet time limit, I'm seriously going to cry.

     Happy Friday everyone :)
    

The Four D's

     So last night, J and I are watching tv, my head resting on his shoulder, when he suddenly says, "So .. what are the four d's?"
     I swear, I thought my heart stopped! I felt like my face was on fire, and I could barely speak. "Uh, what?" I stammered.
     "What are the four d's?" he repeated.
     Holy cow. I was not prepared for this! We couldn't have this conversation now!! "Babe," I half-giggled, half gasped.
     "What? What are they, just tell me."
     "It's hard!" I admitted. As I rattled them off in my head, I got even more embarassed. I was supposed to say the word disobedience out loud? To him? Oh my God. My face burned even hotter. "Can I write them down?" I was seriously flustered.
     At first he told me no that he just wanted me to tell him, but for some reason I just couldnt. I wrote them down on a piece of paper. When I finished, I started to fold it up (I know, I know, delaying the inevitable but hey...it made me feel better at the time) but he snatched it from my hand and quickly read it. I waited nearly 30 seconds for his reaction, which felt like a lifetime with my heart pounding in my chest like it might break loose.
     "Why does it have to be a 'set thing'? Why can't I just make my own?" he wanted to know. He seemed frustrated.
     I explained that of course, he could just make his own. I had just thought that since the four D's are so broad and kind of cover most everything, they would be a good jump off point. I was still in shock at this point that we were even talking about this. He told me he didnt like the four d's because he felt that they should just be a given, which I agree with to an extent. The only issue being that I don't really know where exactly the line is drawn. I feel like there have been many instances in the past where my behavior would certainly have fallen under one of those d's and it was completely ignored, or made light of. So where do I really stand? After we talked a little bit about the four d's, J told me not to expect him to lay down rules right away. He said he agreed with Bob's comment and that we both have a lot on our plates right now, and I should "Chill." He's right, of course, but I cant help but wish it weren't so busy right now. I want him to want me to be the best me that I can be. I dont want crazy strict rules, in fact, most of the rules I've read about here in blogland I am much happier NOT having, thank you very much (regardless of how much I may need some of them LOL). I am just craving some sort of boundary, I guess. Anyway, I was just glad that he's actually reading! It makes me feel good knowing that J is interested in how I feel and what I'm thinking. He really is so amazing, and so good to me. J, if you're reading right now, thank you! & I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!