Ups and Downs

     I'll start with the ups. Friday night, J's mom came over to watch the baby so we could have a date night! It was awesome. J took me out to eat to one of my favorite restaurants, and then we went to see Our Idiot Brother, which ended up being pretty funny. Later we sat together in the basement talking, and I was developing a bit of an attitude. J raised an eyebrow and kinda playfully asked me why I was being so fresh .. I of course replied with a *ahem* polite response (not, try super sarcastic ... oops!) and he quickly grabbed me and pulled me over his lap. He gave me a dozen or so hard smacks and told me to stop being so sassy. When he let me up, I may or may not have pouted, just a little! ...and J pushed me back down and swatted me a few more times, hard. Apparently, making a pouty face counts as being "fresh". Who knew?
     J seems to be more drawn to my butt. Anytime he is around I can expect a pinch, grab or smack on the bum. He doesnt care if people are around, either .. the other day, he swatted me in front of his brother! I could have just dropped dead, and I felt like my face was blazing, but his brother didnt seem phased. I'm sure it came across as playful, but I was still embarassed! I like that he's enjoying that region more .. I love the attention!
     Now, the downs. Today is a sad day for me. I am remembering someone who was taken from us too soon. My mother would have been 44 today. I am like my mom in many ways, and as much as I cherish that, it frightens me too. I fear finding the disease that took her, in me. Sometimes I am afraid that I will die young, too. I get overwhelmed by this sometimes, especially on days like today, when I think of her more. It almost seems inevitable. I wonder if the things I do specifically to lower my risk of developing breast cancer will even make a difference. I worry that I would not be strong enough to stand up in the face of it, if it ever were to strike. I know it is silly and probably unhealthy to worry so obsessively over this, but sometimes I can't help it.
     We didn't have maintenance this past weekend. Saturday, J had a few drinks at dinner at my father's. It turned out he had one too many and he wasn't feeling well, so he laid down and fell asleep. I wasn't bothered, really .. a little uneasy, because I really need my maintenance spankings, but I was tired and fell asleep quickly after laying down with him. Sunday, J told me in the morning that I was getting a spanking that night. He apologized for falling asleep, which was sweet. There was a short, quick spanking Sunday during the day. It was playful and the tone was light. Sunday night, I came out of the baby's room after putting him to bed and found J snoring on the couch. I woke him up and we went to bed. He fell back to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. This morning, when he woke up he said, "When (the baby) takes a nap, you're going to get your spanking." I just shook my head. "No." I waited. The first time the baby fell asleep, I sat around waiting for him to tell me to go to the bedroom. I wondered if he would get the implement, or if he would ask me to. I thought about how I'd moved and hidden the strap and hairbrush, and what his reaction would be if he asked me to get either of those implements. I went to the room and put them back in the drawer where they belong as soon as I was able to go without J noticing. He didn't tell me to go. The second time the baby fell asleep, I wondered while I watched the minutes go by if he was going to do this at all. I wanted to just say 'hey lets go do maintenance?' I didn't say anything, though. I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him, and honestly, I didn't want to ask. That just ruins it. I wanted it to be on his terms. When the baby woke up from his second nap, I started to feel a little panicky. I didn't think that he would even sleep again before J had to go, but he did fall asleep about a half hour before J was supposed to leave. I went and laid down in the bedroom, curled up beneath the covers 10 min later. J came in to change into his work clothes, and saw me laying on the bed. I'm not sure if I wasn't in there if he even would have done this, but he got the five fingered strap from the drawer and came over to where I was laying. I was mad. I didn't even want him to spank me, now! He had to leave soon, there wasn't possibly enough time ... "NO!" I said, when he told me to roll over.
     His eyes softened. "Come on, babe. Roll over..."
     "I don't want one!" I said stubbornly.
     "I have to spank you a little bit, roll over."
     I shook my head. "Uh-uh."
     "Please don't make me roll you over..." he said quietly.
     I stared at him, my expression stony.
     "Babe, you're not supposed to resist or object." J reminded me, narrowing his eyes.
     Sighing, I rolled over and put my face in the pillow. I was determined not to make a sound, not to let him in. I made it through the first ten or so swats before I cried out.
     He gave me probably 30 swats in all, and then it was over. He laid down next to me in bed and held me, but I didn't feel better.
      I felt like spanking me was some kind of horrible chore, something that had to be done but he didnt really want to. I felt like it was put off and put off until it couldnt be anymore, and then rushed through. I was looking forward to the release that maintenance usually provides, I needed to be able to be shed all my protective layers and be vulnerable, open. This spanking was not that.
     There could be more. Maybe, that was to hold me over until he can take care of it fully. I know I should just trust him, accept the decisions he makes, even when it's not what I think I need. I'm working on that.
     I recently noticed that there is a feature on blogger that allows you to add emails to a list, and then when you post an entry, it emails a link to it to the people on the list. I told J about this feature, and asked if he would like me to add him to the list, or did he prefer to look on his own? I asked because I hoped he would say yes, add him .. I know he hardly reads here because I always ask if he's read recently, and he always says no. But, he said that he'd prefer to look on his own (translation:not at all). It hurt my feelings at first, that he doesnt want to read what I write but now I'm choosing to look at it differently. If I thought he was reading here regularly, maybe I wouldn't share all the things I do. I wouldn't explore different aspects of my feelings for fear of what he would think. If he did something I really liked, I would wonder if he'd acted of his own accord, or in response to something I'd posted about wanting. So, maybe it's good he's not always looking.

     Today was J's first day on second shift. It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, except I waited up for him to get home, and now I'm exhausted. Good night everyone. Thanks for letting me rant.