The Girl Who Cried Wolf

     When we first began testing the ttwd waters, I suggested coming up with a safe word. As those who follow me or read often probably know, I was the one to bring this lifestyle to J. He was uncomfortable in the beginning, and I thought that having a safe word would alleviate some pressure on him, knowing that if it was ever too much that I would safe word out.
     He refused the idea. He declared that if I said "no" or "stop" that he would end the spanking and that would be that. He maintained that there was no need for a safe word. At this point, he didn't really get that even when I said "no" or "stop" or whatever else came to mind to get out of a spanking, I needed him to follow through and spank me thoroughly. Of course he did get over that, stopping when I asked him to or said no. But the topic of a safe word did not come up again. He never brought it up, and I didn't feel like we needed to have one.
     Last week sometime, we were in our room and he had me bend over his lap. He was sitting in a computer chair, and the position was pretty awkward for me.
     Actually, awkward is an understatement. It was starting to hurt my back, and I kept saying "No, no more ... stop!" Looking back, I dont know why I didn't just say it's hurting my back, but for some reason that didn't occur to me.
     He didn't stop. He kept spanking me until he was satisfied. When he let me up, I immediately reached back and started massaging the spot on my back that was sore. "Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.
     I assured him that I was, and he told me that I should have told him to stop. "I did," I reminded him. "I said it over and over and over."
     "Well, I thought you were just saying no and stop like you do sometimes. You know, no doesn't always mean no, does it?" he asked.
     I shook my head. "I guess not," I agreed.
     "It's a bit like the boy who called wolf." he related. 
     That's how we came up with it. The safe word that hasn't been called a safe word. Wolf. I can't imagine myself needing to use it, but it's kind of exciting just having it in place. The idea that we could be so consumed by our play and passion that I might have to use it is very arousing. I'm sure I wouldn't feel that way should I need to use it. But the thought is hot.

     Really hot.

A Smooshy Post...and a Couple Analogies

     This is going to be one of those posts where I try to smoosh a bunch of things in all together. A lot has been going on over in our little corner of the world and I haven't had the chance to blog much here.
    
     For starters, J has stepped up quite a bit. He seems so much more confident in his dominance and has started to spank MUCH more! (I think he's secretly beginning to like it *gasp!*) It used to be that I didn't get punished unless I confessed to doing something wrong that I felt I should be spanked for. On rare occasion he would punish me but it never really felt genuine (like it was his perrogative). Now, he spanks me if I get too sassy, a few firm swats to get my attention. He punished me the other night for not doing something I was supposed to. He no longer stops when I start to plead and wiggle. He threatens consequences for blocking my bottom and follows through with them if I screw up. But it's not just discipline, either. He's spanking me much more just for the heck of it, and I adore it. He pulls me over his knee nearly every day now for a "have a good day" spanking in the morning, and often gives me a "goodnight" spanking before we go to sleep. He told me, "it's like this...you know how you have to keep a car warmed up so it continues to run good?" I nodded. "I'm just keeping you warmed up, babe." giggle.
    
     I am consciously making an effort to communicate better, and I'm suceeding! I created another blog (a private one) where I write to J about the things that I'm too shy to talk about with him. It's been awesome, and has served as a low pressure way to break the ice on topics that I have trouble broaching verbally. It's led to some interesting conversations and discoveries, to say the least ;)  ... Our sex life has taken on a slight d/s tone. We are trying new things, and enjoying ourselves and each other.
     I am learning to tell J when he does something that hurts me. I usually wouldn't say anything at all, and just wallow in my hurt feelings and assumptions on why he did/said whatever..I avoid confrontation at all costs, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is a habit that I've carried my whole life, and I've realized that there's no reason to have that guard up with him. It will only hold us back. Almost every time he's said or done something hurtful he doesn't even realize he's done so, and winds up confused and frustrated when I start acting out or pulling away. I dont want us to live like that, even if it's sometimes hard to admit when I am hurting. I don't like to appear weak, you know?

     J is sticking to his guns more, and I am trying to be a better submissive (like submitting even when I don't want to LOL). On Sunday, I was over his knee when I realized the bedroom door was open a little. Even though our roommate was in the basement watching football, I panicked. I tried to climb off his lap, but he held me firmly in place.
     "Please, just let me close the door, cmon please...let me up!" I struggled and managed to pull myself free.
     He grabbed my hand but did not pull. "Get back over my lap," he told me. "The door is fine. ***** is downstairs."
     I stared at him for a moment, not sure what to do. "But... the door's open. I just want to close it, please!"
     "No. You need to submit." he said, tugging just a little on my hand.
    I imagined myself pulling my hand free and making a break for the door... it was just a few steps and I just wanted to pull it shut! ... but I didn't. I exhaled deeply and slowly laid myself back across his lap.
     He finished the spanking, which was pretty short and light hearted, then let me up.
     Normally, one of two things would have happened. 1) he would have let me up immediately to shut the door, despite the fact that even if our roommate had come upstairs from the basement, he wouldn't have had a clue what we were doing...or 2) I would have pulled my hand free and ran for the door to shut it anyway, consequence free.

     I see so much growth in our relationship, on both sides. I feel happier, lighter somehow. The more control J takes, the better I feel. The bouts of sadness I often felt are happening less frequently. I am absolutely loving my life.
    

      One more analogy before I go:
     The other day, J and I were having a conversation about our dog.
     She is extremely energetic and playful, but she is strong (and doesnt realize her strength). We have a shock collar for her, that we put on her when she is around the baby (since she knows there are repercussions, she behaves and listens much better simply knowing she has the collar on). She loves him to pieces and just wants to kiss him all the time, but like I said .. she doesn't realize her strength and we need to know that she will respond immediately when we tell her to stop or stay down etc.
     I told him that she hadn't been listening very well that night and he asked if I shocked her. Normally, I don't, because she responds immediately to the warning beep ... but J pointed something out to me.
     "Sometimes, you have to shock her a little bit, just so she remembers she can be shocked."
     I giggled a little bit. "Hmm...I can't relate to that at all!"