My Need For Punishment

     I have been doing a lot of thinking about punishment, and what part it plays in my spanko-ness. Like your typical spanko, even as a child, spanking was something that stood out to me. I was spanked by my father, but that was different somehow. I avoided spankings from him at all costs...I hardly ever got them unless he was in a really bad mood because I learned how to stay out of his way, avoid him, and do what I was supposed to. There was nothing loving about his spankings, usually he would grab you by your arm or ear and swat you hard a few times, and yell about whatever you'd done wrong. There was no discussion about your mistakes, no explanation as to why it was wrong or what could be done instead. There was no forgiveness afterward, no hugs or reassurances. Sometimes you'd get yelled at again. I hated it. If one of my siblings was about to get spanked I'd hide somewhere I couldn't hear ... I used to tremble listening to it. Don't get me wrong, my dad is a good guy .. he's just old school, and parents the same way his father did.
     The spankings I wrote about in my stories (yes, I remember being as young as 10 or 11 and writing stories centered around spanking, and drawing pictures of people being spanked, too) were not like that. They were loving, and forgiving, and comforting. They weren't graphic, and were always pretty much about a kid my age being punished for something they'd done wrong. As I got into my teens and started liking boys, the story lines to my stories changed slightly. Often I wrote about a girl being punished by her boyfriend, or best guy friend. Sometimes I wrote about friends being punished together.
     One thing remained pretty constant, though. It was always about discipline. I never really thought about it before, but once I did, I just attributed it to not knowing about other aspects of spanking in the past. That discipline was all I knew spanking was and could be, so I didn't link it mentally to anything sexual. Except that once I did link it to my sexuality, it was still the discipline aspect that drew me.
     Before I had ever had my first adult spanking, I had imagined it hundreds upon thousands of times, I'm sure. I'd misbehaved in some way, and I was called to task by a rugged, stern man. There was always a little scolding, a very red bottom, and tears involved in these fantasies. Now that I have been spanked for real, I know that things are not always the same in real life as they are in fantasies. Spankings hurt like hell, for one. Second, it's not actually fulfilling to be punished when you know it comes at the cost of disappointing someone you love very dearly. Letting him down is the worst consequence imaginable.
     Something else I've learned is that all spankings are not the same. For example, a short, light spanking accompanied by firm scolding has a completely different effect than a hard spanking with dirty words whispered in your ear. Personally, I can tolerate a lot less when I am in trouble rather than when he's spanking for the fun of it. It all has to do with the context. This is something I had not realized before I'd actually been spanked, and quite a few times. I had always assumed that a spanking was a spanking and I'd always have the same reaction to it no matter what.
     Now that I've done more extensive thinking about it, I've drawn several conclusions about my need to be held accountable. I have extremely high expectations of myself, much higher than most people would expect of another person. I'm not saying it's bad to have high expectations for yourself, in fact it makes it so that I don't get punished often. If J asks me to do something, 9 times out of 10 it will get done, not because I don't want to be punished but because I feel like I HAVE to if he asks me to. I think that ties in a bit to my submissive personality because when J asks me to do anything, I feel a driving need to do it, and do it perfectly. I feel it's my responsibility to please him .. and if I don't do something he asked or if I behave in a way that is less than what he deserves, even if it wasn't discipline worthy, I have deep feelings of guilt. I know when I've screwed up, and a lot of times, J hasn't even noticed my slight resistance or misdeed, when it's all I've been thinking about. One of the downfalls to this is when I really cant do something he's asked, I feel terrible about it. It doesn't matter if it's something he really wants me to do, or something he wouldn't mind if I waited on, if he's asked me, I feel bad not doing it. That's just how I am, I suppose. I think I'm getting a little sidetracked, but my point is that when I feel guilty about something I've done, and J hasnt noticed whatever it was I did, it feels like he doesnt care how I act or treat him. Which of course is not the case, but that's how my silly brain works. I want to treat J the way he deserves to be treated, all the time. Unfortunately, when I am stressed about something, J is the one who ends up bearing the brunt of my frustrations. It's never intentional, but it happens time and time again. Sometimes, even when it's happening and I'm acting like that, I can see what an insufferableb brat I'm being, and I hate myself for it. I want to stop, to turn my attitude around and be the girl he wants and needs. There are times that I can do that. There are also times when no matter how much I want to, I cannot do that. It feels like I'm running down a hill toward a big mud puddle and I've gotten going so fast that I can't stop myself, my feet are just going and going, a mind of their own. Sometimes, I just need help stopping.
     Being held accountable is actually a huge relief. It helps relieve the intense guilt for doing something wrong, and it's an assurance that there is a way to get through problems. I hate when people are angry or upset with me. It makes me feel sad and depressed, and that feeling is magnified by thousands if J is the one who's angry or upset at me. Having discipline also helps me work through those feelings, and the fear of J getting angry or disappointed in me. Simply knowing there's a system in place, that once I am punished for it, it's forgiven .. that's just huge for me. So while I do not enjoy being legitimately punished, it does make me feel .. content. It fills a part deep inside of me that was left empty for a long time, and it feels good to feel like a whole me. The real me.