Lost

So, I got spanked last night. Yet somehow I was left feeling more empty than I did before the spanking. He built the spanking up, and I felt, didn't deliver. Teasingly this morning, I said, "I thought I was getting a long spanking last night?" Instead of threatening another spanking like I expected, he said, "Well I was tired babe, what do you expect?" I felt crushed, like spanking me is just a chore he has to get done before he can go to sleep. Just typing that sentence makes my chest tight and the tears well in my eyes. I don't want to force him to do something that doesn't feel natural to him. It makes me feel guilty and just so heartbroken that he's not as "into it" as he lets on. I want this to be something that we both benefit from and I feel like he's burdened by it, which in turn makes it very difficult for me to benefit from it either. Just when I thought things were getting on the right track, I fall off the edge of the cliff again. Flailing blindly for a ledge to grab on to, I am left struggling to pull myself back on a level of clarity. I wish I could find a way to communicate this to Jack without making him feel criticized or unaccomplished. I need to be spanked until I cry. I need it for my emotional and mental sanity. I feel like a hypocrite for asking him to be in control and then telling him how to do everything. I honestly don't know what else to do.