a little confused

     I'm starting to feel more and more confused. I thought Jack and I had come to an understanding about what I need, but I find that I am left feeling disappointed more often than not. I want constant, firm guidance. Instead, he gives me lenience, enjoying the lighter side of spanking much more than the discipline aspect. Instead of giving me a choice I want him to say "this is how it's going to be. if you don't like it, I'll spank you harder." I know it's hard for him, and I'm unbelievably lucky that he does what he does. I don't blame him for going easy on me. I know he perceives it as doing me a favor. I feel badly because I beg him to stop while he's spanking me, but I don't really want him to. On the surface, I want him to stop. My ass is on fire, I can't think of anything besides the pain, can hear nothing other than his hand crashing down on my tender bum cheeks. I writhe beneath his strong hand, attempting to avoid it's punishing blow. I can't help but cry out, unable to control myself. Deeper down, however, I want him to continue. I find comfort in the somewhat primal display of dominance by way of physical pain. I love that he is blatantly stronger and larger, and could so easily overpower me. I feel safe within his arms, certain that no harm will come to me. I need him to continue even though I cry out and plead for him to stop. I want him to show me it's his decision, and he will make the decision that is best for the both of us, difficult or not.