Better than Ever

   I wanted to thank those of you that commented and showed your support while I was having a "troubling" moment with J. It's reassuring knowing that we're not the only ones going through this and that it's all part of the growing process. Things are wonderful now and I feel he's grown much more confident in his role after we talked. There were things that needed addressing and now that they've been "taken care of" so to speak, I believe he's more at ease. I have to remember that things are not going to magically happen over night, and that TTWD is a gradual process.
   I had to choose a card for our maintenance spanking last night. Lets just say I wish I'd never told him about those stupid cards in the first place! LOL just kidding .. but I was still so sore (and a little bruised) from the loopy spanking on thursday, so when I drew the card with all three straps on it, I was pissed! Just my luck. Anyway, it was 20 on each cheek with the doubled pink strap with my panties on, 30 on each cheek with the black strap, panties on, and 40 on each with the five fingered strap BARE! ouch. I definitely was sore afterwards.

After the spanking, J said, "You know what I forgot to do?" I shook my head. "I forgot to make cards including the loopy Johnny," he said, turning toward me to see what my reaction would be . I just shook my head. "You know what else I'm going to do?" he asked, a gleam in his eye. "No, what?" I wondered. "I'm going to make three new cards, including the loopy on them, and get rid of a few that are less effective that we have in the pile already." At this, I raised an eyebrow. "There aren't less effective ones in there! What are you talking about?" He smiled. "Yes, they're all less effective than the loopy." I groaned. "I think the loopy should be reserved for punishment only," I told him. "Because it really hurts." He thought a moment, then said, "Okay, here's what I'm going to do. We'll keep the cards we have already, for whenever I want to use them. I'm going to make new cards for real punishments. But I might add a few swats with the loopy to some cards we already have." Who is this man?!

I must say, I'm extremely happy with the way things are in my life right now. I have to remind myself every so often that we are tackling a lot in this one year. On top of navigating the DD realm of things, we are still adjusting to married life. We are learning every day new things about each other. We are getting ready for the birth of our first child. We are dealing with the financial burden of only having one income, and the feelings that I have resulting in this. I have worked at the same place (child care center) since I graduated high school. I miss it a lot, even despite the stress and what at times felt like very unfair treatment. Though we get by, there are times that we struggle. I feel very guilty about this during those times, because I feel that it wouldn't be so tough if I were contributing. Although it was J's idea for me to leave my job because of the stress it was putting on me, and the fact that we both feel I should be home with our son for the beginning of his life, I wish that I could help out. I know that once Silas is here, I will feel more useful because I will be taking care of our child but right now, it's something I struggle with. And all this before our first anniversary has even hit! (With any luck, the boy will be here before our anniversary, he's due the day before :p ) I am lucky to have such an understanding, supportive man as my husband. I know there are many spanko women out there who would kill to have a husband willing to do any and everything to make spanking work in their relationship. I realize there are men out there who are too uncomfortable with the idea to even try, or who are completely pushed away by the idea that their woman would want a relationship like this. I am grateful that my man puts so much effort into TTWD, and our marriage in general. I love my life! This turned into quite the rambling so I'll be leaving now :)

Heeeeee's Baaaackk!

          Wednesday night, we talked as we lay in bed. He told me that he understood that sometimes it's easier for me to communicate through written word rather than verbally, but that it is not that way for him. He pointed out that if he asks me a direct question, I had better answer it right then and there because it wasn't fair for me to brush it off like it's nothing, and be upset about it for days, leaving him wondering what the hell happened. I felt terrible for my part in all this. He was completely right. I had been thinking only of myself in those situations, and how could I expect him to do right by me if he had no idea what was right? He kissed me and accepted my endless apologies, and held me close to his body. Everything felt good again.
            I was supposed to go to the gym on Wednesday. A few weeks ago, after my last dr appointment when they expressed concern about my weight gain during this pregnancy, J and I decided that I should be going to the gym 3 times a week, no excuses. I asked J to help me with this, since I'd been trying to go to the gym a few times a week already, and usually only made it once. I had the best intentions, with no motivation to back me up. He agreed, and we decided to make up a gym plan at the beginning of each week, and unless otherwise approved by J, I was to stick to that plan. Anyway, to shorten this rambling and get to the point, I didn't end up going Wednesday. I didn't do it intentionally, I just didn't think about it. When J got home from work that night, though, he asked me if I went, and I just shook my head. Not thinking it was a big deal, I said "No, I'll go tomorrow instead."
             He gave me a look, one that I havent seen in a while, and replied, "Are you testing me, woman?"
             I shook my head fiercely. "No..." I really wasn't! I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
             "Why didn't you go, then?" he wanted to know.
              "Honey, I just didn't think about it." I shrugged.
              The subject was dropped, and I thought I'd heard the last of it.

              He reminded me yesterday morning that I needed to go to the gym to make up for Wednesday. I agreed, even though I didn't feel like going. However, I dragged myself anyway, knowing if I didn't, there wouldn't be enough days left in the week for me to fit in my mandatory three.
               After, I went to the bank and paid our bills, then to the grocery store to get some ingredients we didn't have at home so I could make dinner. When I got home I made corn muffins to have with dinner (J's favorite), and banana bread with the brown bananas on the counter. I was pretty much exhausted by the time he got home (it doesnt take much these days!) and I laid on the couch while he worked in the nursery for a little bit. Then of course I got up to make dinner, and we ate together. We had a nice night.
                When he'd finished up for the night in the nursery, he went and showered, and then retreated to the bedroom for a minute. I figured he needed to grab a shirt or something, so I didn't pay any attention. He came back, and we watched American Idol, and played with our dog for a while. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the loopy johnny on top of the mantle. How the hell did I miss that being brought out? My heart started to beat loudly in my ears, but I didn't want to draw attention to the fact I knew it was there. I didnt want to hasten my fate. Soon after my noticing the evil implement, J got up and put the dog in her crate for the night. Coming back into the living room, he grabbed the loopy off the mantle and ordered me to come kneel on the loveseat beside him, to put my arms on the back of it.
                   I did that, and he started whacking me with it. This was not a play spanking. HOLY CRAP that thing hurts! I couldn't stay still for the life of me, and I tried really hard. We had to move because I was almost hitting my head on the wall behind the loveseat. On the bigger couch, I had the bay window to lean on. There was a blanket up there I balled up in my fist and buried my face in. I could hear J talking and I struggled to focus on what he was saying.
                "Why didn't you go to the gym yesterday??" he asked, not slowing his assault any.
                I could hear the damn thing whistle before it struck my burning skin. "I dont knoooow," I wailed.
               "Was it intentional?"
               "Noo," I felt like I was literally on fire, each stroke searing my poor defenseless butt.
                Then he announced I'd be getting 45 on each cheek to start. I tried to wrap my mind around that. To start. I didn't know how much of this I could take. It was freaking intense. I couldn't keep my hands in front of me and had to be reminded quite a few times. Thank God he didn't give me extra for that, but I think he knew I really was trying to. I just couldn't. After that set, I was panting and tears stung my eyes. I wasn't exactly crying yet, but it took a moment to catch my breath. He asked me if I was going to go to the gym on time, when I was supposed to.
                   "Yes sir," I murmured.
                    "Okay. Now you're going to get 60 on each cheek." He lectured through these 120 swats about getting to the gym on my scheduled day, and going through him if I wanted to change days for any reason. Of course, he was right. Every time I'd asked to switch days he's approved it, so I should have just asked. Then he pointed out that I'd asked him to make sure I go three times a week, and thats exactly what he was going to do.
                      By the end of that set I was crying. He told me I could relax for a minute and take a break. He held me and asked if I was doing okay. I told him that I was, and snuggled into his chest for a minute. Once I'd calmed down, he told me to get back up for the rest. I was going to get 75 more on each and then I'd be done. It was intense. I cried, and squirmed, and my hands came back a few times again, but he just sternly told me to get them out of the way. When it was over I was sobbing, and he held me, kissing my hair. He told me he loved me, and we cuddled together and watched some more tv.

                      Even though my butt is bruised and still sore, I feel better. Things feel right again. I'll tell you one thing, I certainly won't be missing any more gym appointments. I NEVER want to be spanked with that loopy again. Ever.

emotional night

So after a LONG, emotional day, I finally wrote J an email telling him that I needed a spanking. The kind of spanking that forced me to complete submission, the kind where I must totally let go. This is something I haven't had in quite a while. I apologized for not telling him during maintenance, when he'd asked. I thought this would make things better, but I was wrong. After reading the email, J seemed angry, and he told me he wanted me to just communicate verbally. I could tell he was a little frustrated and he burst out, telling me he was confused and didn't know what to do, because every time is different. It's either too hard or it's not enough or it's too much and it hurts. He said, "I probably should know, and I'm sorry beceause I just don't. I don't know when I'm wrong or when I'm right or anything." I was shocked, because I felt like things had been going very well lately, I just needed the kind of spanking that would bring me to tears. It's not something I need every time and I had been enjoying and benefiting from our recent spankings. After a spanking that was particularly good or when I felt like everything went right, I usually make a point to tell him the next day, "last nights spanking was really good," or something along those lines. I didn't even know what to say, I was consumed with my emotion and I just cried.

I felt so disconnected from him and like I'd let him down by not helping him through this and telling/showing him what I needed. I wanted to tell him to just forget it, that I didn't want TTWD anymore. Part of me still wants to say that. However, I know that I wouldn't be happy with that, and I know it will be beneficial for us to work through it. I just don't know right now what he needs from me to make this okay. I don't know how to give him what he needs without diminishing what I need. I need to feel his control, his dominance. If I'm the one calling the shots, I don't feel that. It feels like I'm the one in charge, and that doesn't help me let go. I feel so lost right now. I still haven't been spanked. I'm sure he didn't know if he was supposed to do that last night, I'm not sure either of us were in the right mind for it. I don't know how to communicate verbally. I'm not good with spoken word, especially with things that are important. My thoughts get tangled up and I can't make the right words come out. When I write, it's easier for me to communicate what exactly I'm trying to say. I want to write a note to J, because I know that's the only way that I'll be able to tell him what I'm thinking and feeling right now. However, I don't want to upset him further by not tackling this issue verbally. I don't even know what to say. On top of this, I have to go with my sister this afternoon to take my family cat to be put down. I picked him out when I was 3 years old and he's toughed it out this long. It's going to be very sad putting him down, even though I know it's best for him. I've got a lot on my plate today, and I'm feeling like I can't possibly balance it all.

the need to be broken

I got my maintenance spanking last night. It hurt, but I didn't get to the level that I needed to be at. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. I still do. I feel like my walls are slowly coming back up and I don't know how to get through them and each time we try to break them down through spanking and don't succeed, the stronger they get.

After J declared that the spanking was over, my insides closed up. He could sense something was not right, and asked me if I was okay. I told him that yes, I was okay. I didn't know how to explain that I needed more. I didn't want to ask for more, he gives me so much already. I was torn between what I so desperately needed and my desire to just be content with what I'd been given. He even asked, "Did I not spank you long enough?" he sounded defeated, like he'd failed. I didn't want him to feel like he'd failed, because that's not how I viewed it. I just needed more, and I felt selfish for it. I still need it, and I don't know how to ask without seeming or feeling selfish.


AAAAHHHH! I just want to scream.

overdue

I am well overdue. Since about Wednesday, I've been feeling the need. I can't really describe the feeling, other than to say I just know it's there. It nags at me, begs me to fill it. I get sassy. I have an attitude about me that is not quite disrespectful, but dangerously close. I need to talk to J about it. I know that, but I keep putting it off. I am afraid of overwhelming him. So far he's done a pretty good job of keeping my spanking need satiated. I don't want to ask too much. Anyway, I've been looking forward to today since Wednesday (Saturday is our scheduled weekly maintenance day). So imagine my disappointment when we get into bed and it hasn't so much as been mentioned once today. I wasn't about to bring it up. Somehow, that ruins it. So, I rolled over and tried to put it out of my mind, although it was all I could think about. He could still remember. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He knew I wasn't telling him the truth but he didn't push it. Finally, he said, "I didn't forget your spanking," my hopes rose, ever so slightly. "you're getting it tomorrow," he continued. "I'm really sore today."

I felt like a bomb went off inside me. I just nodded, fighting off the tears that wanted so badly to rush down my face. I don't know why it felt so much worse when he said I wasn't getting it today, but tomorrow. I just need it. Bad. I feel empty now. He's been asleep for almost two hours, and I've just been lying beside him in the dark, unable to sleep. What's the matter with me? I know I'll get it tomorrow but right now, it feels like forever away. I am exhausted, but can't sleep. I need to be spanked :(

Rant over. Hopefully it'll happen sooner in the day rather than later. Our roommate is away for a week so we don't have to worry about him. Hope everyone's weekend is going great!

Random things about US :)

So, I stole this idea from Tammy :)

Heres a few things about us:

- I am irrationally afraid of needles. Like to the point that my chest has broken out in hives and my face gets blotchy when I'm sitting in the chair waiting for the needle to break the skin. I've gotten better, and J tries to go to all my appointments with me, especially ones where we know I'll have to deal with a needle, and having him there helps.

- I'm addicted to reality tv. Teen mom, Jersey Shore, American Idol .. I'm captivated.

- It's much easier to express my thoughts in writing than spoken word. Especially when it's something important that I'm trying to get across, for some reason I can never think of the right words if I'm speaking but put a computer or piece of paper and a pen in front of me and it all just flows out.

- What I'm looking forward to most about the baby coming is being able to see J be a daddy :)

- I hate coffee.

- J is a man's man through and through. He's good with his hands, can build pretty much anything, and is tall, broad and muscular. But he's also artistic, (he paints VERY well, walls/houses/creatively) and sweet. He's a lot more romantic than people would expect.

- I love children. If we could afford to have 15 kids, I totally would.

- My favorite color is green, purple is a close second.

- I have gained WAAAYY too much in this pregnancy, and I'm terrified I won't lose it once the baby is born. Sometimes I fear that J won't find me as attractive as he did before.

- Sometimes I think I need two maintenance spankings a week, because by the middle of the week I get so cranky and just feel like I need a spanking, but I don't want to ask J because I feel like I ask too much of him already.

- I am very close with my siblings and extended family. (my mom was the youngest of 12, so I have a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins.)

- I consider myself to be an extremely lucky person. I couldn't imagine living my life any other way.

Thinking about tears & crying

I was on Fetlife today and read a thread that got me thinking about tears. I used to seldom cry during a spanking, and it happened even less often when I was actually being punished. I can take quite a bit when I'm being spanked, even if I feel like it's too much. I can't process any emotions or think about why I'm being spanked, because my mind focuses on fighting the pain, and not the actual reason for it. I cry much more often now, because J will give me sets of swats. Now that I have a minute or two between sets when my backside isn't being assaulted, I have time to consider what I've done, or the emotions I've got inside that I need to release, and I'm able to process these. The tears come even sooner when J talks to me in between sets about why I'm being spanked (if it's punishment), or about my sadness/grief/stress etc. I enjoy fun, erotic spankings that don't result in tears, but once in a while, this girl just needs to cry!

So, I'm curious to hear about everyone else's experiences. Do you cry often? Every time? Not at all? What elements to a spanking assist/hinder your process of getting to the point of tears?