Sitting Tenderly

     I'm not sure if he's been reading here again. It almost seems that way, because it's like he's inside my head. I feel so in sync and connected with him, it's pretty amazing.
     Last night was maintenance, and it was definitely not the experience I was expecting at all. It was extremely intense, painful, and it was exactly what I needed. J somehow knew just what to do. He originally told me he wanted me "butt in the air" again, but agreed when I asked if I could please lie over a pillow. Thankfully, because I could not have taken that spanking in that position.
     There was no warm up. He used the strap. It was long, and hard. It took a lot to break through the big, strong walls I'd built up around my extreme emotions. He did start over my pants, but they didn't stay up long...neither did my panties.
     I had a little problem with keeping my hands away from my backside. I really did try, but it hurt so darn bad!
     The first time my hand went back, J ordered me to take it away, then delivered two hard whacks to my backside. "For putting your hands back," he said and returned to task. This might have happened another time after that, too. *sigh* He switched to the hair brush a short time later. On my already so sore bottom, it hurt. A lot! Those pesky hands, well, they found their way back again. I think I even said, "please!"
     "Move them." he said firmly.
     My stomach flip flopped as I quickly thought about my choices. I desperately wanted to protect my backside from any more attention, however, I wanted to do what J said. As he was repeating his demand for me to move my hands, I slowly pulled them away from my butt.
     Two more fast, hard swats fell, then his deep voice spoke sternly. "The reason I punish you more when  you put your hands back is beacuse you could get hurt if I accidentally hit your hand."
     Believe it or not (yes, you might call me crazy) my heart soared when he said those words to me. Part of that big, strong wall crumbled. What I heard was he was punishing me because he cared. He didn't want me to be hurt. I didn't put my hands back again the entire spanking, even though at times it felt like I couldn't stop myself...but I did. I felt myself let go a little, and I finally stopped resisting the spanking and just absorbed the swats, accepted the pain. When that big, strong wall I'd built finally fell down, all the emotions I'd buried behind it came flowing out. It was relieving, a weight lifted from my shoulders. It felt good to let it all go. I sobbed. Even after the spanking ended and J held me tight in his arms, kissing me and comforting me, I could not stop crying. I had so much intense emotion that I'd pushed aside because I dont know how to deal with it.
     He helped me deal with it. He reminded me that he was there, a strong force in my life. He showed me that I could be vulnerable with him and show him my feelings and that he would protect me, and make me feel loved. He did this all, just by spanking me.

     I think this was my hardest spanking to date. Usually, an hour or so after being spanked, you wouldnt even be able to tell I was spanked at all. Not last night. I could definitely feel it hours later. I didn't even go to the bathroom to look at my bum, which I usually do, too. I didn't want to see. This morning, and well into the day, I felt it every time I sat down. It wasn't pleasant, but I liked it. Weird? Maybe. But its true.
     He gave me a few solid swats "just to warm me up," and just a few made my butt burn like crazy!
     OMG. I have never experienced anything like this before! I have never ever EVER been sore the next day. Tender (if spanked again) maybe, but not sore like I could feel it without it even being touched. People, if this man ever decides he's going to start holding me accountable and really punishing me for things ... I'm in some serious trouble. OUUUUUCCHH. Having said all of that, I am so thankful that J was able to read me, and gave me exactly what I needed, even though it was hard on both of us. He is such an amazing, wonderful man and I really am so lucky that I am his.

Just What I Needed

     Yesterday was a stressful day and I was texting with J while he was at work, and told him the baby was being really fussy. Being the awesome hubby that he is, when he got home from work he showered, then offered to take the baby for a ride so I could shower and have a little time to myself. I was in a horrible mood, and my attitude was sour for sure. Even after I'd showered, I was still feeling cranky. J called me and asked if we had rice. I looked in the cabinet, we didnt have any. He told me he'd gotten a surprise, and I kinda blew it off. It wasn't that I didn't care that he'd gotten something special, I just had a lot of other things on my mind.
     When he got back with the baby, he announced that he'd bought SWORDFISH for dinner! MY FAVOITE!! He'd also gotten garlic herb rice pilaf and asparagus. I was in heaven! He really, really is so good to me. He said that since it was obviously hard to go out to eat, he wanted to bring a really nice meal to me, because I deserve it. I could have cried when he said that!
     Even with all of his nice gestures, and the amazing dinner, I still felt myself falling into a "funk." I dont know what my problem was but I just felt cranky. Just before we were getting to bed, I leaned against J and sorta whined into his chest, "I feel grumpy.."
     "What?" he asked. "Even though I got swordfish and made a special dinner for you?"
     Put that way, I sounded like a horrible jerk. I quickly tried to explain. "Thank you, for dinner, baby, it really was awesome!" I didn't want him to think I didn't appreciate what he'd done for me, because I really, really did! I just was feeling off, and I felt like I needed to tell him I was feeling that way.
     He shook his head. "No, get on the bed, butt in the air." he ordered.
     "But baby, I just wanna say thank you for dinner," I whined, puckering my lips.
     He walked past me, pointing at the bed. "Butt in the air," he said as he rounded the bed, and grabbed the strap.
     I was filled with a variety of emotions at this point. I was mostly surprised, because he doesn't usually specify a position for me to be in when he spanks me. I felt little, not in a bad way, but I was intensely aware of how much bigger and stronger J is than me. It gave me sort of a thrill, to be honest! There was a little bit of fear, because I hate the strap ... but also because I could feel that I wasn't in control. I made a feeble attempt at maintaining a little control, and lay down on the bed. I moved to put the pillow below my waist but he stopped me.
      "No. Butt.In.The.Air."
     I looked back at him, and he was serious. My tummy fluttered, and I reluctantly raised my backside, my back sloped. The seconds that lingered between the moment I presented J with his target and the strap falling felt like hours. I felt so exposed, even fully clothed. It seemed to me that if he looked at me at just the right angle, he would see everything inside of me. The strap finally did fall and it did hurt. I didn't hold position very well, but each time I moved from where I was supposed to be, J insisted I move back.
     He was firm. His presence was commanding, and I felt relieved. Safe. He was gentle and tender afterward. He climbed into bed with me and held me, kissed me. Things moved to a more passionae avenue.
     I was on cloud nine. I had really missed J throughout the week and it felt good to reconnect in the ways that we both respond best to. A good spanking, for me. (Great, actually...) And sex, of course, for both of us. And J's favorite thing, but we wont go there ... ;)

Eden Fantasys Review :)

 SLIQUID ORGANICS GEL

So far, I have loved everything I've tried out from Eden Fantasys. If you haven't been to their website, you definitely should check it out. They sell a variety of sex toys and other fun things!! This time, J and I tried the Sliquid Organics water based sex lubricant. What I loved SO much about this product is that its very light, and not tacky-feeling like a lot of other lubes. It has no smell and it's not edible but if you happen to lick it by accident, well .. it has no taste, either. This was a big plus for us as well because I've accidentally licked the KY that we have, and it tasted HORRIBLE. Another thing I really liked is its made from natural and organic ingredients, which is good for me since I tend to be a tad sensitive, and this didn't cause any discomfort at all. I also really like the look of the bottle that the lube comes in! This lube also works great in the shower :) The only complaint I could make is that we had to reapply once or twice.



What's a Girl To DO?

I want to start by saying I am pretty pleased with the way things have been going. I was afraid that without me reminding him, he would just let DD fall by the wayside, but he hasn't. It feels like he is slowly taking more control, maybe just taking his time to find what works for him and us. I hope that someday, he will see the benefits this has not only for me, but for him and our relationship as a whole. I know that right now, it's all for me; smoke and mirrors.

The last time I posted, I wrote about maintenance and how there was supposed to be a second part. J tried to follow through monday night but literally as he was telling me to get over the pillow, the baby woke up. He tried hard to stay awake, but he just couldn't do it. We finished up last night instead, with a hairbrush spanking. It hurt, and my bottom was definitely sore when he finished.

Here lies my problem. I need a hard spanking. Okay, maybe hard isn't the right word. Let's use "thorough" instead. I have felt it for weeks now, the tugging feeling beneath my skin like I'm slowly being swallowed from the inside out. Time and time again, I have wanted to tell J that I need a serious spanking, but each time convinced myself not to say anything, because I don't want to discourage him. He is doing such a great job and I don't want him to think I'm ungrateful or something. I am having a hard time figuring out why I need such a big time spanking, because usually I only feel like this when I am very sad or overwhelmed. I think part of it is that I miss J. He's been so busy with work and projects at the house, lately. Between him being preoccupied with that, and me always with the baby .. I feel like we never see each other. At times when I am overhwelmed and have a lot on my mind, this feels like he doesn't care about me, doesnt have time for me. I know thats not true, but it's how I feel sometimes. Some days, it feels like we're on different planets, even though we're sitting right next to each other. I want him to reach up to my planet and pull me back down to him, where I belong. I want him to break down the walls that I put up, the ones that are meant to protect me from the rest of the worlds bullshit, but hold me tightly within while they keep everything else out. For him to bare me, both literally and figuratively, strip me down til there's nothing left but the core of my being. When I'm in that place, then I can see that he is in control, he's going to take care of me. I can see that he's paying attention, and he won't let me get swallowed by everyday life. He will always save me, catch me every time I fall. Those kind of spankings recenter me, reconnect us. I feel closer to him when I'm sniffling into his chest with a hot bottom than I do most any other time. SO ... where does that leave me? I promised myself (and J) that I was going to back off and let him take control. Does that mean I shouldn't ask for a spanking when I need one? Am I supposed to wait, now, for J to recognize that I need to be rescued, or can I call for help?



I don't know what to do! I hate feeling so needy and pathetic.Blech. I hope someone has some good advice for me, because I definitely don't want to be overstepping any freshly drawn lines...but I need a spanking! HELP!!

little update

     Saturday, we went to a family reunion at J's grandma's house. J got to see some family that he hasn't seen in a very long time, and I got to meet a bunch of new people! My nephew was with us, and he had a blast meeting and playing with cousins he didn't even know he had. It was awesome watching him enjoy himself so much.
     When we finally got home Saturday night, J told me he was making himself a sandwich, and asked would I like one? I told him no thank you.
     "What did you eat today?" he asked. I hesitated just for a moment and he said, "You didn't eat sh*t today, you're going to have a sandwich. You have to eat,"
     I sighed. "But .. I was thinking of having some ice cream!" For the record, I had eaten fruit for breakfast, and a turkey sandwich and more fruit for lunch at the reception. I thought I'd done a pretty good job, and was just gonna skip dinner and have ice cream :)
     He looked at me, and shook his head. "Ice cream? I'm overriding that decision. You're having a sandwich. Sorry. Do want pastrami on yours? Mustard and mayo?"
     I thought for one second about arguing with him, then reeled myself in. I had to remind myself that I had to let him do this, because this is what I'd asked him to do. This was an act of dominance, he was stepping in where he saw me making a less than stellar decision and turning me in the right direction. Now, it was my job to submit. So I did. I let him make me a sandwich, I thanked him for it, and the smile on my face was genuine.
     Later, he gave me a spanking with the hairbrush. It lasted a while, and my bottom definitely was stinging pretty good by the time he finished. I wasn't crying, or close to tears, but thats a rarity these days anyway. He then told me that there would be an additional session the next day, and that he was only stopping because he was tired and sore.
    
     I was excited that he remembered maintenance on his own on Saturday. I havent been pushing the subject at all, even though spanking is pretty much always on my mind. Ugh! It's hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I know he has to do this his own way. The spanking I was supposed to get yesterday has been post-poned until today, because J was tired and falling asleep by the time we went to bed. Today, he's not feeling too great, so I wouldn't be surprised if it doesnt happen today either. (Though I really hope it does! I hate having to wait, and I hate even more not knowing whats going to happen!)
    

A revelation of sorts

     I dont know how to let go of control. Sounds crazy, right, since I'm so gung ho for DD to work in my relationship? I know. It sounds crazy to me too, and I had quite a hard time wrapping my head around it. After a conversation J and I had, I did a lot of thinking about ttwd, submission, and spanking in general.
     I am a submissive person. I don't prefer to be the leader, I don't like making decisions, and I avoid confrontation at (pretty  much) all costs. J is very naturally a dominant person. He is strong willed, extremely intelligent, and absolutely hates not being in control. I think it's frightening for him when something is out of his hands. These are all reasons that I believed (and still do) that dd would work for us. What I realized is that I wasn't allowing either of us to fall into our natural roles. I put pressure on (unknowingly at times, but it happened) him and tried to control the when/where/how, and sometimes even the why! I didn't even recognize that I was doing this until the conversation that we had, and it took me a long time to come to this conclusion. It shook me, honestly.  At one point in our talk, J said, "I thought it was supposed to be my decision, and it turns out thats not the truth at all."
     Now that I'm aware of what I've been doing ... I'm going to make a conscious effort to be truly submissive. To stop fighting him in search of a reaction, and just do what he tells me to. To stop testing him, and let him take the reins. I should have been doing this all along, and I'm pretty upset with myself that I worked against us for so long. It's pretty scary giving your whole self to someone and trusting them with it, but that's what I have to do. Just give it to him, and let it be his...thats my new motto these days.

The Four D's

     So last night, J and I are watching tv, my head resting on his shoulder, when he suddenly says, "So .. what are the four d's?"
     I swear, I thought my heart stopped! I felt like my face was on fire, and I could barely speak. "Uh, what?" I stammered.
     "What are the four d's?" he repeated.
     Holy cow. I was not prepared for this! We couldn't have this conversation now!! "Babe," I half-giggled, half gasped.
     "What? What are they, just tell me."
     "It's hard!" I admitted. As I rattled them off in my head, I got even more embarassed. I was supposed to say the word disobedience out loud? To him? Oh my God. My face burned even hotter. "Can I write them down?" I was seriously flustered.
     At first he told me no that he just wanted me to tell him, but for some reason I just couldnt. I wrote them down on a piece of paper. When I finished, I started to fold it up (I know, I know, delaying the inevitable but hey...it made me feel better at the time) but he snatched it from my hand and quickly read it. I waited nearly 30 seconds for his reaction, which felt like a lifetime with my heart pounding in my chest like it might break loose.
     "Why does it have to be a 'set thing'? Why can't I just make my own?" he wanted to know. He seemed frustrated.
     I explained that of course, he could just make his own. I had just thought that since the four D's are so broad and kind of cover most everything, they would be a good jump off point. I was still in shock at this point that we were even talking about this. He told me he didnt like the four d's because he felt that they should just be a given, which I agree with to an extent. The only issue being that I don't really know where exactly the line is drawn. I feel like there have been many instances in the past where my behavior would certainly have fallen under one of those d's and it was completely ignored, or made light of. So where do I really stand? After we talked a little bit about the four d's, J told me not to expect him to lay down rules right away. He said he agreed with Bob's comment and that we both have a lot on our plates right now, and I should "Chill." He's right, of course, but I cant help but wish it weren't so busy right now. I want him to want me to be the best me that I can be. I dont want crazy strict rules, in fact, most of the rules I've read about here in blogland I am much happier NOT having, thank you very much (regardless of how much I may need some of them LOL). I am just craving some sort of boundary, I guess. Anyway, I was just glad that he's actually reading! It makes me feel good knowing that J is interested in how I feel and what I'm thinking. He really is so amazing, and so good to me. J, if you're reading right now, thank you! & I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!