Insanity? Or something else...

     This morning, I temporarily lost my mind. I was totally defiant and directly disobedient. I even smiled at him as I did it. I was walking out the door for work and J was feeding the baby, so even if he wanted to, there was nothing he could do about it at the time. While I drove to work, awaiting an inevitable text from J, I picked my brain (and the confines of my heart) to figure out what was going on with me.     
     Our weekend was hectic, and emotionally straining. The baby is teething, so he's been a bit of a monster and saturday morning, there was a little tension between us. Our communication that day was really terrible and things were said that hurt my feelings. In hindsight, we both were to blame, and the things that were said were not meant to hurt, but at the time, I was emotionally wounded. I pulled away from him, hardly spoke to him, spent most of the day in tears. We were civil to each other, but we did not behave the way that we usually do, and there was a clear distance between us. I found myself oddly looking forward to maintenance, because I knew it would be an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, and start new. We did eventually talk about what had happened earlier in the day between us, apologies given on both ends, and all was forgiven. Maintenance did not happen as we were tired and fell asleep early.
     Saturday night we had a huge snow storm, and Sunday we awoke to broken tree branches in the front and back yard. Most of our town had lost power, as did many of the surrounding towns. Luckily, we never lost power, and were able to help family and friends who were without. We had a full house most of the day and into the night on Sunday. Even though we were not fighting or on bad terms, I still felt disconnected from J. Things were not as they always are. He didn't even kiss me until like ... 4 oclock in the afternoon! This is not a normal occurance in our household. We are extremely affectionate and touchy feely with each other, and we were lacking that most of the weekend. All day, I waited and waited for a kiss, and when it didn't come, I started to feel more and more rejected. I am used to being touched all the time, so much so that when he is not all over me every chance he gets, I feel like something is wrong.  I wanted to pout and complain that he hadn't even kissed me, didn't he see how dejected I was feeling? But I knew that wasn't fair. He'd been busy, shoveling and clearing snow, entertaining and feeding guests, helping with the baby...I couldn't complain. Besides, who wants to ask to be kissed? Not this girl. When he finally did pull me into his arms and kiss me, though, I whispered, "do you realize thats the first time you've kissed or hugged me all day?" I sounded so needy, and I despised myself for it.
     "It is?" He was kind of surprised, and apologized, covering me in kisses. 
     At one point during the day, when we'd managed a second alone in the kitchen together, I said "I miss you baby."
     He turned to look at me, smiling. "I'm right here," he assured me.
     I sighed and narrowed my eyes. "That's not what I mean," I said softly.
     "Sexually?" he asked.
     "I miss my spankings," I admitted. Yeah, it was hard to say, and the words came out in a barely audible squeak, but I said it.
     He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a gentle swat, and a firm squeeze. He kissed my neck, and then the subject was dropped as our attention turned back to our guests.
     When we finally collapsed into bed Sunday night,  we were both tired, and J fell fast asleep.
      Monday, neither of us had work. It was supposed to be a half day in the district we both work for, which means I wouldn't have worked anyway, but J took the day off so he could see the baby in his first Halloween costume (SO cute, by the way!). All morning, I wondered if he would give me a have a good day spanking. He didn't. His mom came over since they still didn't have power and charged her cell phone, warming up for a bit. After having at least one (*sometimes several!*) spanking a day for the past week and a half to two weeks before this, three days with no spanking action felt like a lifetime to me, especially after our episode on saturday. I was actually feeling a little hurt and neglected, like, why hadn't he spanked me yet? I brought up maintenance and he said that I told him I didn't want to be spanked Saturday night (Which I don't recall doing, but really?!). Even if I did ... I had thought that he'd gotten to a point where he could tell the difference between me having trouble surrendering and actually being distressed (and unable to handle a spanking). When I tilted my head to the side and narrowed my eyes at this, he said, "Mixed messages are not the way to get something!" Mixed messages? How about mixed brain cells .. cuz that's what I've got and half the time I think I dont want to be spanked, but I really need to be and gosh I just don't always have the ability to differentiate! When his mother left around 3:30 in the afternoon, we climbed into bed together and cuddled, taking advantage of the fact the baby was napping. We spooned, and he had his arms wrapped tightly around me. Suddenly, he pushed me over so I was laying on my tummy, and he swatted my bottom. He started giving me hard swats, alternating cheeks. He was hitting me harder than he usually does. Then he stopped, and rolled me back over, holding me to his chest with one arm and using the other hand to pinch and roll my nipples. I squirmed and moaned. The sting in my bum was becoming much, much more pleasant as he played with my nipples. Again, he flipped me back over and gave me another round of hard, solid smacks. My butt was stinging anew when he rolled me back over to play with my nipples again. I was good and worked up now. "That's just a warm up," he whispered, his breath hot on the side of my face, my body held tightly against his. His hand dipped between my legs and he murmured, "Do you know whats next?" when I shook my head, moaning, he told me "it could be anything." Then the baby woke up. I kid you not. *sigh* Much later, after the baby was in bed and we were getting ready to go to bed ourselves, J told me I was up "past my bedtime" (I don't have one) and when I said "so what," he told me that I was going to have to be punished for staying up too late. We dont usually do things like that (made up scenarios) but I was instantly hooked. Sometimes, I feel like I want (need?) to be punished, when I've done nothing wrong. The idea of being punished turns me on but actually being punished (read: J being disappointed in something I've done) is not sexy or a turn on, so this seemed perfect. I giggled and blushed. We talked a bit longer, until he said, "Okay, lets go upstairs...I'm gonna give you something." This usually means a spanking. Actually, anytime he's ever said "go upstairs so I can give you something" or anything alone those lines, it's been a spanking. So I asked if we could cuddle first, and he agreed. When we got into bed, he pulled me into his arms, and it felt so good to be there. It had only been two nights since we'd cuddled in bed like this, skin on skin, but it had felt like a lifetime. There was no spanking. There was really really hot sex .. probably the best we've ever had. I felt great after; we had reconnected, and things were right with the world. Or so I thought.
     Tuesday, I was feeling okay. I kept thinking, maybe today he'll spank me. I waited for my morning spanking, which never came. At this point, I was starting to feel less hurt, and more indifferent about not being spanked. I fell asleep on the couch waiting for J to get out of the shower after work, so needless to say, no action last night either.

     This morning, I kissed my son goodbye, then turned and kissed my husband. He hadn't given me a "have a good day" spanking, just like I'd expected. I had moved from being upset that he wasn't spanking me regularly to "not needing" it. By which I mean, I'd mentally removed myself from needing to be spanked. I had convinced myself that it wasn't going to happen, and that I would just have to live with that. I felt my submissive self being swallowed inside a wall of stubbornness. All weekend, I had dropped hints, even told him I needed to be spanked, and he hadn't. I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up again. I wasn't mad. I wasn't hurt. Even though I knew I really needed one, I just ... didn't even want it anymore. So as I was walking to the door and he started to say "have a good day," then stopped himself and said, "Oh.. come here," my first thought was oh hell no.
     "Uh-uh." I said nonchalantly, nearing the front door.
     "Babe," the warning tone.
     "Nope." I replied, cool and calm. I turned and smiled at him. "I love you," I reached for the door knob and turned it, pulling the door open.
     "Baby! Get over here..." he looked sort of shocked. Poor guy.
     I shook my head again, and caught a glance of "the look" that meant I was in trouble, but just closed the door behind me and walked down the pathway to my car.
     Yup. Pick your jaw up off the floor, that's not even the craziest part!
     I was driving along, feeling rather ... proud? ... of myself, and then it hit me. I just directly disobeyed him. I looked him straight in the eye, told him no, and walked away from him. What the hell kind of submissive woman does that? I hadn't done it playfully, or in a teasing manner. I was perfectly okay with telling him no I would not do what he was asking, and walked away from him. That was unsettling to me. I picked up my phone at the first red light I hit and I had a text from J.
    
     Baby!!  it read.
     I wanted to write "I'm sorry" but for some reason I couldn't admit at that moment to doing something wrong. If he was going to discipline me, he was going to have to come to the decision on his own, not be inspired by a guilt ridden apology from me. Love you :) I wrote.
     Love u!

     When I read his response, my heart sank. I didn't know why it hurt so much. In the past, I've acted out purposely to get spanked. Or rather, to see how far I could go before the line was considered crossed. I'm not proud of it, but hey...at least I'm honest? This has never gotten the reaction that I was searching for, which was frustrating at the time, but I could and still do see why J would not succumb to that kind of manipulation. But this, this was different. I wasn't trying to be disobedient, I just couldn't let myself be vulnerable enough to be spanked. If I submitted to that, how could I pretend that I didn't need it? I knew I'd been wrong, acted badly, and deserved to be punished for it. I didn't want to be punished, per say (who does?), but at the same time, I sorta did...because I knew I deserved it .. does that make sense? It only kind of makes sense to me, so hopefully it makes more sense to you! I wondered if he thought I was being defiant on purpose. I hoped not.
     I met him at his work a few minutes after leaving the school. We talked for a few minutes, and he kissed me goodbye. As he was closing the car door, he said, "I owe you a "have a good night" spanking tonight."
     Without thinking, I said "No," which barely made it out of my mouth before the door had shut.
     He looked at me through the window and nodded yes, then started walking toward the door of the building.
     I rolled my window down and called, "You owe me a lot more than that!"
     He glanced back and smiled.

     So there you have it. Have I lost my mind? Perhaps. I don't know what to expect tonight, or whether I should expect anything at all. I'm not sure of much, but I am feeling a little better now that I've been able to write it down and get it out of my head.

     Now, I wait.

Firmly Reminded

     J and I have been talking about going away for my birthday at the end of November. He put in for the three days he would need off from work a week and a half ago, and instructed me to do the same.
     For some reason, this was not sticking in my brain. I would be thinking about it as I left for work, and then as soon as I got there, it just flew out of my head! Of course, once I'd leave work again, I would remember I was supposed to do it. So frustrating!
     He was so patient with me. I mean, really, really patient. He reminded me every day for that week and a half to put in for the time, and I just kept forgetting. Each time he asked and I told him no, I didn't put in for it yet, he would graciously tell me it was okay and to remember to do it the next day. Then, he would remind me in the morning before I headed off to work, too.
     I was actually surprised by the amount of leniency he was showing with this. I got really down on myself about it yesterday... he wrote me a note to remind me, and I put it in my purse, and still forgot! I mean, really?! I thought he was going to be mad. I thought he was going to punish me.
     However, he wasn't mad. He told me again that it was okay, but I definitely needed to get it done today.

     This morning, he pulled me over his knee for my "have a good day" spanking. It was light hearted and not too hard .. I so love these spankings before work! He even made up a little chant/song that he spanks to LOL anyway, once he finished his have a good day spanksong, he said, "Okay."
     I thought he meant the spanking was over, but he didn't move to let me up, so I stayed put.
     After only a short pause, he started spanking me again, hard. "Do you know what these are for?" he asked.
     "No!" I squealed, trying to wiggle away.
     "You don't?" he asked, continuing to deliver slow, firm smacks to my sit spot and upper thighs.
     "Nooo,"
     "So you'll remember what you're supposed to do when you get to work." he clarified. He gave me probably a dozen more swats, then helped me up.
     We hugged, kissed, and held each other. A few minutes later in the living room, J said, "Do you think you'll remember to put in for those days?"
     I nodded emphatically. "Yes! I just set an alarm on my phone so I'll see it while I'm there."
     "Good. If you don't put in for them today, you're getting a spanking tonight. With the loopy johnny."
     I felt my tummy drop. "NO!" I said boldly. "I just set an alarm, I told you .. I won't forget."
     "You don't need to tell me no. Just do it, and you wont have to worry about it. Saying no isn't going to do anything for you."
     I left for work with a sore bum and with full intent to put in for those days.



      Wondering if I remembered?





      You bet I did.

A Smooshy Post...and a Couple Analogies

     This is going to be one of those posts where I try to smoosh a bunch of things in all together. A lot has been going on over in our little corner of the world and I haven't had the chance to blog much here.
    
     For starters, J has stepped up quite a bit. He seems so much more confident in his dominance and has started to spank MUCH more! (I think he's secretly beginning to like it *gasp!*) It used to be that I didn't get punished unless I confessed to doing something wrong that I felt I should be spanked for. On rare occasion he would punish me but it never really felt genuine (like it was his perrogative). Now, he spanks me if I get too sassy, a few firm swats to get my attention. He punished me the other night for not doing something I was supposed to. He no longer stops when I start to plead and wiggle. He threatens consequences for blocking my bottom and follows through with them if I screw up. But it's not just discipline, either. He's spanking me much more just for the heck of it, and I adore it. He pulls me over his knee nearly every day now for a "have a good day" spanking in the morning, and often gives me a "goodnight" spanking before we go to sleep. He told me, "it's like this...you know how you have to keep a car warmed up so it continues to run good?" I nodded. "I'm just keeping you warmed up, babe." giggle.
    
     I am consciously making an effort to communicate better, and I'm suceeding! I created another blog (a private one) where I write to J about the things that I'm too shy to talk about with him. It's been awesome, and has served as a low pressure way to break the ice on topics that I have trouble broaching verbally. It's led to some interesting conversations and discoveries, to say the least ;)  ... Our sex life has taken on a slight d/s tone. We are trying new things, and enjoying ourselves and each other.
     I am learning to tell J when he does something that hurts me. I usually wouldn't say anything at all, and just wallow in my hurt feelings and assumptions on why he did/said whatever..I avoid confrontation at all costs, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is a habit that I've carried my whole life, and I've realized that there's no reason to have that guard up with him. It will only hold us back. Almost every time he's said or done something hurtful he doesn't even realize he's done so, and winds up confused and frustrated when I start acting out or pulling away. I dont want us to live like that, even if it's sometimes hard to admit when I am hurting. I don't like to appear weak, you know?

     J is sticking to his guns more, and I am trying to be a better submissive (like submitting even when I don't want to LOL). On Sunday, I was over his knee when I realized the bedroom door was open a little. Even though our roommate was in the basement watching football, I panicked. I tried to climb off his lap, but he held me firmly in place.
     "Please, just let me close the door, cmon please...let me up!" I struggled and managed to pull myself free.
     He grabbed my hand but did not pull. "Get back over my lap," he told me. "The door is fine. ***** is downstairs."
     I stared at him for a moment, not sure what to do. "But... the door's open. I just want to close it, please!"
     "No. You need to submit." he said, tugging just a little on my hand.
    I imagined myself pulling my hand free and making a break for the door... it was just a few steps and I just wanted to pull it shut! ... but I didn't. I exhaled deeply and slowly laid myself back across his lap.
     He finished the spanking, which was pretty short and light hearted, then let me up.
     Normally, one of two things would have happened. 1) he would have let me up immediately to shut the door, despite the fact that even if our roommate had come upstairs from the basement, he wouldn't have had a clue what we were doing...or 2) I would have pulled my hand free and ran for the door to shut it anyway, consequence free.

     I see so much growth in our relationship, on both sides. I feel happier, lighter somehow. The more control J takes, the better I feel. The bouts of sadness I often felt are happening less frequently. I am absolutely loving my life.
    

      One more analogy before I go:
     The other day, J and I were having a conversation about our dog.
     She is extremely energetic and playful, but she is strong (and doesnt realize her strength). We have a shock collar for her, that we put on her when she is around the baby (since she knows there are repercussions, she behaves and listens much better simply knowing she has the collar on). She loves him to pieces and just wants to kiss him all the time, but like I said .. she doesn't realize her strength and we need to know that she will respond immediately when we tell her to stop or stay down etc.
     I told him that she hadn't been listening very well that night and he asked if I shocked her. Normally, I don't, because she responds immediately to the warning beep ... but J pointed something out to me.
     "Sometimes, you have to shock her a little bit, just so she remembers she can be shocked."
     I giggled a little bit. "Hmm...I can't relate to that at all!"

Spoke Too Soon

     The other day, I was texting with a dd friend and mentioned that J had told me when we swapped the baby that he was going to "tan my hide" when he got home from work. She then asked if he was just wanting to spank me just because or if I'd gotten in trouble. I (kind of proudly, might I add?) told her that we hadn't had discipline in SOOO long.
    Fast forward to when J got home. I was tired. A few times while I waited for him to get home, I contemplated going to bed. Its not that I thought he'd be angry if I did, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, no matter how tired I was. I fought to keep my eyes open because I wanted needed the spanking. He was tired, too. He'd had a long night at work and he was sore. He showered, we talked for a bit, and we climbed into bed. He hadn't mentioned the spanking at all, and I was starting to feel like he'd forgotten.
     Huge swells of emotion rose in me. Anger - how could he forget AGAIN? hurt - doesnt he care about me? frustration - I didn't ask for him to spank me, he told me thats what was going to happen. Why would he threaten it if he didn't intend to actually do it? confusion - he said one thing, and is doing another.
     Then, reason smacked me upside the head. He is tired, just like you. Give the man a break, he deserves it. He is not trying to hurt you, he has a lot of other things on his mind. When I looked at the big picture, it wasn't a huge deal, and I realized that my emotions were probably getting the best of me. Once I reminded myself that I shouldn't get upset or worked up or think too much about things like this. My eyes closed and I was starting to feel drowsy.
     Suddenly, J's mouth was next to my ear. "Tomorrow morning, I'm going to tan your hide."
     Since I was already half way to dream land (yep, thats my story and I'm stickin' to it!), I scoffed and said, "No you wont." My eyes didn't even open.
     "Yes I will." he said sternly.
     "Yeah, okay...."
     He looked at me. "Go to the drawer, I'm going to spank you now."
     "No!" I insisted. "I don't want one."
     "You're getting one, for being fresh. Now get up and get the small brush." he ordered.
     I looked at him. "Nope." It was a clear challenge. Let me add here that I am not usually like this. I dont think I've ever flat out refused to obey him like that. I mean sure, sometimes I play around and resist or fight it a little before obeying, but I usually always do as he tells me. I don't know why, but in that moment, I just would not submit.
     He was going to have to make me, and he knew it. "Either you can get the small brush or I'm going to get up and choose something." he threatened. "You have until ten ... three, four, five..."
     I jumped up and ran to the drawer, getting the hairbrush and running back, pouting. "That's not fair, you started at three!"
     He took the hairbrush from me and waited for me to climb back in bed. "Butt in the air." he commanded.
     I got up on my elbows and knees.
     He started right in with the hairbrush. He spanked hard and fast, and before long, my bottom half had stretched out along the bed, my body flat. "Did I tell you to lay down?" he asked, pausing.
     Whimpering, I raised my ass again, knowing he was just going to keep smacking it.
     And, he did. But not for much longer. When he finished, my bottom stung and it certainly had made an impression. He informed me that was a preview for the morning. Then, he put the brush aside and held me.


    
     Guess who didn't get spanked the next morning? That's right, me. I was sure to let J know that the previous night's spanking was unjust since clearly I was not "being fresh" but merely being "realistic".
     Yeah, that didn't go over well either :p

Restrained

     J told me yesterday afternoon that I was going to be spanked last night, and that he planned to restrain my legs. True to his word, before bed he pulled out the liberator shape that we own (the black label hipster) and his belt. After I'd bent over the shape, he wrapped the belt around my thighs and secured them together. He started with the strap.
     After a few well placed whaps, I threw my hands back and cried, "Ouch! Warm it up first, please!"
    "Babe, I'm getting the handcuffs." he told me, matter-of-factly. He got them, and wrapped them around my wrists, then clipped them onto the hipster.
     What an experience! It was an intense combination of sensations. The pain of the strap, the helplessness of being restrained, the wash of submission from being tied and spanked ... it was a very different experience than being spanked unrestrained. At first, it was very frustrating to not be able to put my hands back and protect myself. I never realized how much I take that for granted, the short reprieve that I can buy myself when I am unrestrained and put my hands back. Being unable to do that (or much of anything else but lie there and focus on my burning butt) put me in a submissive place very, very quickly.
     He used the strap for a "warm up" then moved onto the small hairbrush. He certainly didn't go very easy and I was pleading before he'd finished with it.
     *side note* When I say "pleading" I don't mean that I asked him to stop or anything like that. I hardly EVER ask him to stop .. usually I just say "please" a lot. I guess it's my way of saying slow down!
     After he finished with the hairbrush, he went to the drawer and grabbed what looked to me like the majority of our implements. His next weapon of choice was the loopy.
     I know I have mentioned in the past my extreme hatred for this implement, but I'm going to go there again. I hate it. It's evil. I don't know what it is about it (maybe the cruel bite) but no matter how he uses it, it makes me feel punished and not in the good way. I just feel like he's upset with me or something and that really throws me off when I haven't done anything wrong. I started to cry almost immediately after he started using it.
     He didn't use it long, and honestly, I didn't really feel much of it. After the strap and hairbrush, I didn't feel much of anything. I mean, I knew that he was spanking me, but it was more just sensation than pain. He used every implement we own, though I didn't know that until he told me later. By the last paddle, the thick lexan, I'd not only stopped crying, I was pushing my bottom out for more. When he stopped paddling me, for a split second I found myself wishing there were more. Then his fingers were inside me and I was swept away in a surge of ecstasy. He played me like an instrument, knowing all the right notes to hit.
     I was literally begging him to take me.
     He did not disappoint.

    
     Overall, I liked being restrained. It was an intense experience, but I enjoyed the almost instant submissiveness it brought me. I cant say for sure, but I think it made J feel powerful. I hope it did. The sex afterward was HOT. It was passionate, rough, and he was totally in control.
     When we talked about it the next day, we both agreed that the sex was amazing. He felt that restraining me was "interesting" because it was new. He must have liked it a little, as he told me this morning that tonight he was going to restrain me again tonight... ankles, thighs and wrists. Hmm .. I may have to invest in some thigh cuffs :)

A Spanking Delivered and Another to Come

     Wow! It's almost been two weeks since I've posted .. sorry guys! I'm not sure why I haven't felt compelled to write lately. It's not that there hasn't been anything going on around here, because there certainly has. I guess I've just been busy and wrapped up in my day to day life. I started a part time job last week, and am totally loving it! It's just enough time out of the house where I'm not going stir crazy doing the same damn thing day in and day out, but not too much where I'm missing my baby boy too much either. Plus, my hours are during the day when J is home, so he and the baby have been able to have some alone time together, which has been great for the both of them! :)

     It has been awhile since J has threatened (promised?) a spanking and hasn't delivered, and I guess it was bound to happen again eventually. He fell asleep before he could spank me. Yes, I was upset. I wasn't so much upset that the spanking didn't happen, but that he said he was going to do something, and didnt. I knew that he didn't do it on purpose, and I wasn't angry, BUT different choices could have been made, and the whole thing could have been avoided. So Monday morning I expressed to him that I was a little upset that the previous nights' plans had fallen through, and he admitted that it wasn't fair that he didn't spank me. I was grateful that he could see my point of view and I was proud that I didn't get angry or act out because of my hurt feelings.
     Later that night, after he had returned from work, changed and showered, he ordered me over the arm of the loveseat in our room. He sat behind me on the bed, and used the strap on me. It must have been the fact that he was strapping me from a different angle, or SOMETHING, because holy EFF I couldn't stay still or take it graciously for the life of me. OUCH! I wriggled and squirmed and cried out. J was patient with me, reminding me to keep my hands out of the way, sometimes gently moving them so he could continue.
     It got very intense near the end and after throwing my hands back a few times only to have them swept away instantly, I jumped off the end of the loveseat and sorta curled up.
     "Baby, get back up. You've got 15 more on each cheek." J told me firmly.
     I couldn't. There was just no way that I could get back up. I looked at him pleadingly, my eyes begging for mercy. It just hurt so bad.
     "Come on," he urged, his hand on my back.
     I grabbed onto his leg, laying my head in his lap. "Please, can I go over your lap?" I whimpered.
     He must have recognized my distress, as he helped me up over his lap. His free hand circled my waist, resting on my hip, warm and comforting. He delivered the rest of my strapping, which I was able to take MUCH better in my new position, then I was directed to put it away and bring him the lotion. 
     I handed it to him and lay back over his lap, loving the feel of his rough hands gently rubbing lotion into my burning bottom. Ahh, such bliss :)    

     I work until right before J has to be at work, so I meet him at his job and he passes the baby off to me. Today, after he put the car seat in the back seat, he came around to the driver's side and opened the door. I melted into his arms, grateful to be this near to him for just a moment. I knew he had to get inside but I just wanted to steal every last available second I could with him. I am enjoying my work and getting fulfillment from it, but it doesn't make me miss him less when I'm gone and it's been tough getting used to not having time together between our respective shifts.
     "It's almost friday," he whispered to me. I burrowed my face further into his chest. "Tonight I'm going to spank you. And I'm gonna tie your legs up with rope."
     My head snapped up and I looked at him in a mixture of disbelief, embarassment, and total arousal. My heart started pounding. 
     He smiled at my expression, and I wondered if I was visibly blushing. "Or maybe straps...my belt? We'll see..." he kissed me, and headed inside.
     This has consumed my thoughts all day. I wonder if he's thought about it as much as I have. I am so curious to see what he has in store for me!

     Well, he's in the shower and should be returning back to our room soon. I shall update you all again very soon :)

Being Brave

     It started with a spanking.

     We were laying in bed together, and J instructed me to get the strap. I whined just a little.
     "Whyyy?"
     "It's only a good girl spanking," he assured me.
     Reluctantly, I got up to get the strap. I laid down on my belly and braced myself, but he didn't go too hard on me. It stung a bit while he was using it, but afterward, it actually felt quite nice. Once he'd stopped with the strap, he handed it to me and told me to go get whatever I wanted from the drawer. I browsed my options carefully, and chose the thick lexan paddle that is in the shape of a celtic knot. I absolutely love the way that it looks, despite how terribly heavy it is.
     We have only used it once or twice, and not for a while. When you don't use an implement for an extended period of time, you tend to forget what it feels like, almost (but not quite) forget that it's available for use. When you see it again, you get a rush of excitement, it's almost like having a new toy. At least, that's what it's like for me.
     He was surprised when I carried it back over to him. He asked me why I picked that one. After explaining myself, he reminded me of how heavy the paddle is. "I'm just saying, it could make this feel less like a good girl spanking and more like a bad girl one without me even meaning for it to."
      I just looked at him and nodded.
     The spanking did get more intense because of it, but not in a bad way. This paddle is unlike anything I've been spanked with. All of our other implements are pretty stingy but this one is definitely on the "thuddy" side. It hurts in a completely different way.
     When he finished spanking me, he put the paddle aside and pulled me to his body.
     I love how he does this. I adore being held in his strong arms, especially after being spanked. I feel so little and so loved and everything in my world is so perfect in moments like these.
     I don't know how long we stayed like that. Eventually we separated our bodies, and I ended up laying beside him on my tummy as we whispered to each other. He started to rub my bum and then he swatted it a few times to "make it red again". His fingers began wandering, and his skillful hands went to work.
     What happened next really shocked me, in a way that I can't even describe. To say it blew my mind is an understatement. To put it simply, he initiated something that we have never done before. He's never even mentioned an interest in this particular thing, so needless to say we haven't talked about it in the context of our relationship at all. He knew it was something I was uncomfortable with. What he didnt know is that lately, the idea of it has sort of appealed to me. I hadn't told him this because 1) I didn't think that I would want it in real life. Fantasies are much different than reality. AND 2) I didn't think he'd be interested at all. I guess maybe he did know. 
     It was a really powerful experience, and I honestly just don't have the words to do it justice. If he had asked me, I would have said no way. I probably wouldn't have even considered it. But he didnt ask, or really say much at all. That in itself was absolutely intoxicating, him wanting this from me enough to just go ahead and take it...it made me want to give him anything in the world that he wanted. I was already flooded with submissive feelings from the spanking I'd gotten just a little while earlier, and this just pushed me further into that submission. I felt totally dominated, in a wonderful, lovely way. Even though I was unsure, hesitant, even .. I never even considered telling him to stop or that I didn't want it. Because he wanted it, and I wanted to please him (and hey, it felt good). I don't know what it was about this that made me feel so completely owned, but my head was swimming with it.
     Afterwards we hopped in the shower together. He held me and told me I was very brave, and that he found it sexy. I don't think I've ever been more proud in my life, knowing that he was so happy with me .. my heart just swelled.
    
     It seems my man has tapped into his dominant side, and I must say, it suits him well :)