What's a Girl To DO?

I want to start by saying I am pretty pleased with the way things have been going. I was afraid that without me reminding him, he would just let DD fall by the wayside, but he hasn't. It feels like he is slowly taking more control, maybe just taking his time to find what works for him and us. I hope that someday, he will see the benefits this has not only for me, but for him and our relationship as a whole. I know that right now, it's all for me; smoke and mirrors.

The last time I posted, I wrote about maintenance and how there was supposed to be a second part. J tried to follow through monday night but literally as he was telling me to get over the pillow, the baby woke up. He tried hard to stay awake, but he just couldn't do it. We finished up last night instead, with a hairbrush spanking. It hurt, and my bottom was definitely sore when he finished.

Here lies my problem. I need a hard spanking. Okay, maybe hard isn't the right word. Let's use "thorough" instead. I have felt it for weeks now, the tugging feeling beneath my skin like I'm slowly being swallowed from the inside out. Time and time again, I have wanted to tell J that I need a serious spanking, but each time convinced myself not to say anything, because I don't want to discourage him. He is doing such a great job and I don't want him to think I'm ungrateful or something. I am having a hard time figuring out why I need such a big time spanking, because usually I only feel like this when I am very sad or overwhelmed. I think part of it is that I miss J. He's been so busy with work and projects at the house, lately. Between him being preoccupied with that, and me always with the baby .. I feel like we never see each other. At times when I am overhwelmed and have a lot on my mind, this feels like he doesn't care about me, doesnt have time for me. I know thats not true, but it's how I feel sometimes. Some days, it feels like we're on different planets, even though we're sitting right next to each other. I want him to reach up to my planet and pull me back down to him, where I belong. I want him to break down the walls that I put up, the ones that are meant to protect me from the rest of the worlds bullshit, but hold me tightly within while they keep everything else out. For him to bare me, both literally and figuratively, strip me down til there's nothing left but the core of my being. When I'm in that place, then I can see that he is in control, he's going to take care of me. I can see that he's paying attention, and he won't let me get swallowed by everyday life. He will always save me, catch me every time I fall. Those kind of spankings recenter me, reconnect us. I feel closer to him when I'm sniffling into his chest with a hot bottom than I do most any other time. SO ... where does that leave me? I promised myself (and J) that I was going to back off and let him take control. Does that mean I shouldn't ask for a spanking when I need one? Am I supposed to wait, now, for J to recognize that I need to be rescued, or can I call for help?



I don't know what to do! I hate feeling so needy and pathetic.Blech. I hope someone has some good advice for me, because I definitely don't want to be overstepping any freshly drawn lines...but I need a spanking! HELP!!

little update

     Saturday, we went to a family reunion at J's grandma's house. J got to see some family that he hasn't seen in a very long time, and I got to meet a bunch of new people! My nephew was with us, and he had a blast meeting and playing with cousins he didn't even know he had. It was awesome watching him enjoy himself so much.
     When we finally got home Saturday night, J told me he was making himself a sandwich, and asked would I like one? I told him no thank you.
     "What did you eat today?" he asked. I hesitated just for a moment and he said, "You didn't eat sh*t today, you're going to have a sandwich. You have to eat,"
     I sighed. "But .. I was thinking of having some ice cream!" For the record, I had eaten fruit for breakfast, and a turkey sandwich and more fruit for lunch at the reception. I thought I'd done a pretty good job, and was just gonna skip dinner and have ice cream :)
     He looked at me, and shook his head. "Ice cream? I'm overriding that decision. You're having a sandwich. Sorry. Do want pastrami on yours? Mustard and mayo?"
     I thought for one second about arguing with him, then reeled myself in. I had to remind myself that I had to let him do this, because this is what I'd asked him to do. This was an act of dominance, he was stepping in where he saw me making a less than stellar decision and turning me in the right direction. Now, it was my job to submit. So I did. I let him make me a sandwich, I thanked him for it, and the smile on my face was genuine.
     Later, he gave me a spanking with the hairbrush. It lasted a while, and my bottom definitely was stinging pretty good by the time he finished. I wasn't crying, or close to tears, but thats a rarity these days anyway. He then told me that there would be an additional session the next day, and that he was only stopping because he was tired and sore.
    
     I was excited that he remembered maintenance on his own on Saturday. I havent been pushing the subject at all, even though spanking is pretty much always on my mind. Ugh! It's hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I know he has to do this his own way. The spanking I was supposed to get yesterday has been post-poned until today, because J was tired and falling asleep by the time we went to bed. Today, he's not feeling too great, so I wouldn't be surprised if it doesnt happen today either. (Though I really hope it does! I hate having to wait, and I hate even more not knowing whats going to happen!)
    

A revelation of sorts

     I dont know how to let go of control. Sounds crazy, right, since I'm so gung ho for DD to work in my relationship? I know. It sounds crazy to me too, and I had quite a hard time wrapping my head around it. After a conversation J and I had, I did a lot of thinking about ttwd, submission, and spanking in general.
     I am a submissive person. I don't prefer to be the leader, I don't like making decisions, and I avoid confrontation at (pretty  much) all costs. J is very naturally a dominant person. He is strong willed, extremely intelligent, and absolutely hates not being in control. I think it's frightening for him when something is out of his hands. These are all reasons that I believed (and still do) that dd would work for us. What I realized is that I wasn't allowing either of us to fall into our natural roles. I put pressure on (unknowingly at times, but it happened) him and tried to control the when/where/how, and sometimes even the why! I didn't even recognize that I was doing this until the conversation that we had, and it took me a long time to come to this conclusion. It shook me, honestly.  At one point in our talk, J said, "I thought it was supposed to be my decision, and it turns out thats not the truth at all."
     Now that I'm aware of what I've been doing ... I'm going to make a conscious effort to be truly submissive. To stop fighting him in search of a reaction, and just do what he tells me to. To stop testing him, and let him take the reins. I should have been doing this all along, and I'm pretty upset with myself that I worked against us for so long. It's pretty scary giving your whole self to someone and trusting them with it, but that's what I have to do. Just give it to him, and let it be his...thats my new motto these days.

The Four D's

     So last night, J and I are watching tv, my head resting on his shoulder, when he suddenly says, "So .. what are the four d's?"
     I swear, I thought my heart stopped! I felt like my face was on fire, and I could barely speak. "Uh, what?" I stammered.
     "What are the four d's?" he repeated.
     Holy cow. I was not prepared for this! We couldn't have this conversation now!! "Babe," I half-giggled, half gasped.
     "What? What are they, just tell me."
     "It's hard!" I admitted. As I rattled them off in my head, I got even more embarassed. I was supposed to say the word disobedience out loud? To him? Oh my God. My face burned even hotter. "Can I write them down?" I was seriously flustered.
     At first he told me no that he just wanted me to tell him, but for some reason I just couldnt. I wrote them down on a piece of paper. When I finished, I started to fold it up (I know, I know, delaying the inevitable but hey...it made me feel better at the time) but he snatched it from my hand and quickly read it. I waited nearly 30 seconds for his reaction, which felt like a lifetime with my heart pounding in my chest like it might break loose.
     "Why does it have to be a 'set thing'? Why can't I just make my own?" he wanted to know. He seemed frustrated.
     I explained that of course, he could just make his own. I had just thought that since the four D's are so broad and kind of cover most everything, they would be a good jump off point. I was still in shock at this point that we were even talking about this. He told me he didnt like the four d's because he felt that they should just be a given, which I agree with to an extent. The only issue being that I don't really know where exactly the line is drawn. I feel like there have been many instances in the past where my behavior would certainly have fallen under one of those d's and it was completely ignored, or made light of. So where do I really stand? After we talked a little bit about the four d's, J told me not to expect him to lay down rules right away. He said he agreed with Bob's comment and that we both have a lot on our plates right now, and I should "Chill." He's right, of course, but I cant help but wish it weren't so busy right now. I want him to want me to be the best me that I can be. I dont want crazy strict rules, in fact, most of the rules I've read about here in blogland I am much happier NOT having, thank you very much (regardless of how much I may need some of them LOL). I am just craving some sort of boundary, I guess. Anyway, I was just glad that he's actually reading! It makes me feel good knowing that J is interested in how I feel and what I'm thinking. He really is so amazing, and so good to me. J, if you're reading right now, thank you! & I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!
    

A Night To Remember

     Bedtime is my favorite time of the day. Not because by the time we go to bed I'm usually exhausted, or because I  really like sleeping in general, but because it's when J and I get to be alone together. I love snuggling up to him and putting my head on his bare chest, feeling his strong arms around me, holding me close. Last night, J told me it was his favorite time of the day, too, which made me smile.
     While we were laying together, my cheek pressed against his chest, I suddenly had an irresistable urge to lick his nipple. My tongue flicked out and did just that, and I giggled when he squirmed. It drives him nuts when I do this because it tickles him.
     "Don't," he said.
     Seconds later, my tongue flashed out again.
     He rolled to his side, and grabbed one of my legs, lifting it (and me) into the air. He put one of his legs beneath me to keep me propped up, and started swatting the spot where my leg meets my bum. He doesnt use his hand to spank me very often, and when he does, it usually feels more "thuddy" then "stingy". This time, though, they were lighter spanks but faster and more of them. It really was stinging by the time he finished and let me back down!
     I'd snuggled back up to him and my eyes were twinkling when I stuck  my tongue out and pretended to lick him again.
     "Go ahead, you can.." he said.
     I narrowed my eyes at him, and shook my head. "Uh-uh!"
     He laughed. "Why, do you think this is a set up?"
     "A little bit," I giggled.
     "Well, it's not. This time I'm giving you permission. Before, I told you not to."
     I didn't lick it again. I did reach up and kiss him, and soon, our minds were on other things.
     We touched and caressed each other gently, both of us getting worked up and hot for each other.
     "Get those panties off," J murmured in my ear.
     I wiggled out of them and tossed them quickly aside, eager to return to our activities.
     The second his hands were back on me I was breathing heavy, my heart pounding in my chest. J stopped abruptly and said, "I want you to get over my lap."
     *shivers* MMM. I looooveee when he says 'I want you to....' when he's telling me what to do. I dont know why, but it sounds so authoritative and sexy.
     I jumped up and laid right over his lap. I could feel him, his excitement pressing hard into my tummy.
     He grabbed a handful of my hair and he started spanking me. "I told you that you were going to be spanked," he reminded me firmly, his hand peppering my bottom with crisp swats.
    "No you didnt!" I squealed.
    "I owed you one from days past,"
     Weirdly enough, I felt kinda touched that he remembered! I had thought about asking him, since he was sick the other day when I was supposed to get one, but I decided not to bother him with it. For him to remember and give it to me anyway really meant a lot.
     He didn't spank particularly hard, but it warmed me back up and rejuvinated some of the sting from my previous spanking. In the middle of the spanking he said, "When I'm finished spanking you, I want you to make love to me."
     That wasnt going to be a problem.
    

thinking about rules ...

     I am feeling so overwhelmed thinking about taking care of the house while caring for the baby at the same time. I dont feel that I am ready to be held accountable for it yet as the baby still consumes much of my time during the day (As in, during his two naps he takes while J is working, I feed myself and pee. If I choose to shower during one of his naps, I miss a meal). I can't even imagine keeping up with everything all at once...HOW DO YOU MAMAS DO IT!? I am sure once he is sleeping for more than a 1/2 hour at a time (he WILL do that, right?!) and he is a little bigger/more independent and is comfortable with me being out of his sight for more than 5 minutes, it will be easier to keep up with the dishes and laundry and cleaning, etc. I sometimes feel like a horrible wife because J works all day long and then has to come home and do things that I should be doing while I'm home. I want to be able to do those things for him, but even just thinking about it gives me anxiety. Does anybody have any tips to make this less daunting?

     Lately I have been thinking about rules in a dd relationship. J and I only have one rule, and that is I am not allowed to text while I am driving. Sometimes I wish we had set rules, something to follow. I know each relationship is different, and everybody does things their own way. Some have a list of detailed rules, others have just a few and everything else is just a given, and then theres the 4 D's. I am wondering what it is like in your homes. What, if any, are your rules? Has your HOH already set specific punishments for breaking those rules or does he/she decide when a rule is broken?
     I have been wanting to talk to J about this for a while but am not sure how to bring it up. I dont think he is even aware of the 4 D's, although I think that if we were to have "rules" he would probably want to follow the 4 D's and then add specific rules as necessary. I dont know why the thought of bringing it up to him makes me so nervous, but it really does. The past few nights I've thought about bringing it up in bed but just couldn't find the words. There are definitely a few things about myself that I could work on, but I bet if I asked J what he thought I could do to improve myself, he would probably say nothing. I think I am much harder on myself than he is. There are many things that if I were the HOH that I would consider punishable, that J doesnt care about.

     I saved my blog under his favorites on his phone (and some others that I enjoy reading, too, hoping he might take a look sometime), and though I dont expect him to come by often or read every post, I am sort of hoping he'll see this one so I wont have to bring it up on my own! Wishful thinking, huh? I tried to talk him into blogging himself, but he says that he's a slow typer, and it would take him too much time to write posts. hmph. Maybe someday, folks. Until then, he might be lurking around some of your blogs!

Interrupted.

     Yesterday, overall, was a pretty great day. My aunt and uncle are in town from Illinois and I havent seen them in over a year. We spent the day with them and some other family.
     While we were gone, our roommate had a cookout with some friends. When we got home at 830, we walked into a loud house and a kitchen full of intoxicated people. One girl in particular was especially drunk. I was a little pissed, yes, but it is his house, so there wasn't much I could say. I just reminded myself that soon enough we will be out of here and just our little family. Anyway, while I was in the living room with the baby, apparently the drunk girl was wrestling with her sisters boyfriend (yes, this is real life ... what the heck?) and she turned to look at my husband and says, "I want you to slap my ass."
     I, of course, was completely unaware of this until after she'd left. Thankfully, everyone left pretty soon after we arrived home. When J told that she'd said this to him, though, I was shocked! Who says something like that to a man who just arrived home with his wife and two month old baby?! It wasnt like she didnt know, either, I had met her once before when she went to a hockey game with our roommate. I wish I was in the room when she said it. Where do you get off asking a married man to touch your behind? IN THE PRESENCE of his wife and child? Can you believe the nerve?! Some people, I tell ya.

     Anyway, once the circus ended, we went to bed. Saturday is maintenance and I was really needing a hard spanking. I have had many spankings in the past week but I've kinda sorta been craving the spanking that breaks you down to your natural, vulnerable self. The spanking I got started off a little slow. He warmed me up with the strap but picked up the pace pretty quickly. Before I knew it, he was strapping me pretty hard and I was bucking around, begging for a break. It seemed like he would never stop, but finally he did, granting me a break. I lay still trying to catch my breath. After a few moments he started up again, burning my butt with that awful piece of leather. Then, he stopped, and put the strap up. He rubbed my hott tush and squeezed the fleshy part of my bottom. This was starting to feel not so much like maintenance and very much like a good girl spanking. MMM. Fine with me. His fingers roamed and his hands kneaded and rubbed, while I squirmed beneath his delicious touch. And then, baby cries. Meh. So I got up and rocked him back to sleep, then rejoined J in bed. I laid over the pillow and he spanked my sit spot, and rubbing, letting his fingers explore. He laid gentle, sensual spanks on my hot butt and I was getting so turned on. I couldn't tell if this was maintenance still or if he was turning this into a more fun occasion. His big hand fell again and again on my panties, warming me up in more places than just my panties. He was spanking kinda hard and I just pushed my bottom up and out, raising up to meet his hand. Overwhelmed with my desire, I found myself murmuring, "Sir,"
     "What, baby?"
     "Take them down," I breathed raggedly.
     "I will do what I want," he purred in my ear, giving me a few hard whacks. "I can keep them up and spank you and you tease you if I want to." when all I offered in reply was a moan, he asked, "Cant I?"
     "Yes sir," I panted. I was feeling so good.
     After a minute or so of hard spanks, J did take my panties down and continued spanking on my bare, fiery butt. He had me get up and lay over his lap. Once there, he pushed my legs apart and spanked some more on my sit spot and upper thighs, taking time to visit more pleasant areas. I was sooo turned on and wanted him so bad, and then ... the baby woke up, this time ready to eat.

     Bummer.

     By the time I had fed the baby and put him back down, J had fallen fast asleep. Double bummer.
     J told me earlier if I play my cards right today, I just might get spanked again tonight.
     I am going to do my very best to insure that happens. I have a feeling J was just as disappointed that our fun was interrupted last night, which ups my chances of having a repeat performance tonight. Keep your fingers crossed for me! :D