I am feeling so overwhelmed thinking about taking care of the house while caring for the baby at the same time. I dont feel that I am ready to be held accountable for it yet as the baby still consumes much of my time during the day (As in, during his two naps he takes while J is working, I feed myself and pee. If I choose to shower during one of his naps, I miss a meal). I can't even imagine keeping up with everything all at once...HOW DO YOU MAMAS DO IT!? I am sure once he is sleeping for more than a 1/2 hour at a time (he WILL do that, right?!) and he is a little bigger/more independent and is comfortable with me being out of his sight for more than 5 minutes, it will be easier to keep up with the dishes and laundry and cleaning, etc. I sometimes feel like a horrible wife because J works all day long and then has to come home and do things that I should be doing while I'm home. I want to be able to do those things for him, but even just thinking about it gives me anxiety. Does anybody have any tips to make this less daunting?
Lately I have been thinking about rules in a dd relationship. J and I only have one rule, and that is I am not allowed to text while I am driving. Sometimes I wish we had set rules, something to follow. I know each relationship is different, and everybody does things their own way. Some have a list of detailed rules, others have just a few and everything else is just a given, and then theres the 4 D's. I am wondering what it is like in your homes. What, if any, are your rules? Has your HOH already set specific punishments for breaking those rules or does he/she decide when a rule is broken?
I have been wanting to talk to J about this for a while but am not sure how to bring it up. I dont think he is even aware of the 4 D's, although I think that if we were to have "rules" he would probably want to follow the 4 D's and then add specific rules as necessary. I dont know why the thought of bringing it up to him makes me so nervous, but it really does. The past few nights I've thought about bringing it up in bed but just couldn't find the words. There are definitely a few things about myself that I could work on, but I bet if I asked J what he thought I could do to improve myself, he would probably say nothing. I think I am much harder on myself than he is. There are many things that if I were the HOH that I would consider punishable, that J doesnt care about.
I saved my blog under his favorites on his phone (and some others that I enjoy reading, too, hoping he might take a look sometime), and though I dont expect him to come by often or read every post, I am sort of hoping he'll see this one so I wont have to bring it up on my own! Wishful thinking, huh? I tried to talk him into blogging himself, but he says that he's a slow typer, and it would take him too much time to write posts. hmph. Maybe someday, folks. Until then, he might be lurking around some of your blogs!
Try not to be so hard on yourself! I know, I know. It's probably a long term habit! I remember breastfeeding every 3 hours around the clock for 3 months with a baby who was too tiny to suck very hard. Feeding her took forever. I never seemed to catch up with housework. Can you put the baby in a front pack/carrier (I'm not sure what they call them these days) so that he can be with you while you work? Or let J take care of the baby after work so that you can get things done?
ReplyDeleteAs for rules? We don't have many. Respect, honesty, obedience are expected. Taking care of myself is one area where I need some help and we're talking about expectations in that area, maybe even rules. Endangering myself or others is the biggest cause for punishment. We're pretty loose about it, but I know what it's like to crave those boundaries.
Print out your post. When you can't find the words, you can just say "Here!" and hand it to him! Good Luck! Meow
Meow, my little man eats EVERY TWO HOURS like clockwork, for about 20 min at a time. It is very hard to get things done. He tolerates the carrier that goesin front but not very long, and I can't stand at the sink and wash dishes or carry a basket of clothes downstairs with him in it. By the time J gets home I just want to relax and spend time together. We will figure something out, I'm sure. I am hoping that I will find the courage to talk about rules but if not, I will direct him here!
ReplyDeleteI wore my babies a lot. One thing I remember is that i got more confident with each kid. I remember with my first we lived in a small condo (which is available to rent to rent in Oct.-btw JK-it's in JP not the cape) we brought the bassinet into each room with us. The whole place is 750 square feet. With my fourth we were like "where did we put the baby?" "Oh she sitting in the bouncy seat, alone, in the dark on the dining room table" The difference was striking, over time you gain confidence, and I believe they feel that and it kind of chills them out. You are doing great, relax and your baby will too. To this day, when I get tense and out of sorts my kids do too.
ReplyDeletedont beat yourself up, new babies are all encompassing - you cant do everything and you shouldnt expect too. Things get better in time I promise. Give yourself time :).
ReplyDeleteAs for rules, we have only this week had a set of rules. Its taken me a lot of time to find the courage to talk about it. I have blogged about my list of rules if you want to have a read - not many - but they are important to us. I thought of them because he couldnt think of anything until I suggested and he said they were important to him so we set them.
I find it good to have a set of rules. But i also gave him a list of what I expected in return - follow through, consistency, no empty threats - that kind of thing - fairs fair afterall.
You will find the right words when the time is right. It will be worth it.
Good luck, let us know how you get on
and chin up with the baby - it does get better :) xxx
I think that you should just "chill out" about the concept of rules right now. You are a new mother--you have your hands full just with "normal" life. After your child has become somewhat independent, then if you and your fortunately-for-you, easy-going husband want to work on some changes that you would like to make, then feel more free to go ahead.
ReplyDeleteAs for now, just enjoy the simple experiences of being a mother.
Just advice from an older man!!! lol
Bob.
I like Bob's advice and since everyone acts like I'm Wonderwoman with the cape and all since I have "so many children", I'll tell you it just isn't so. It's hard work being a new mom and you should cut yourself some slack for at least the first 6-9 months.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't hardly get anything done when I had only one baby. Daddy let me hire a maid to come in one day a week for 3 hours to do the things I couldn't seem to get done with only one baby.
It will get easier, but enjoy the time with your baby because they really do grow up so fast. My "baby" out of 10 is 6 now.
Kitty
I so agree with Kitty - my baby is nearly 13 - and it was only yesterday i was holding him in my arms saying ohhh one day you will be 10 and ill be having conversations with you about this and that - now its here - gone in a flash.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog a few days ago and I am really enjoying it :)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to A LOT of what you are experiencing being in the early stages of DD. My husband is also moving slowly and I often wonder if he REALLY gets it?
He totally gets the D/s (Dominance/submission) dynamic of HOH and submissive wife, making "final decisions" and correcting bad behavior before it gets out of hand (I'm not "bad", but I can get snippy at times when I shouldn't)but the DD part has been really slow to take hold. He really doesn't "punish" other than the occasional lecture, but even so, sence introducing him to D/s and DD our style of dealing with issues has really improved with out spanking for real punsihment. (I'm hoping that will change, and he will start DD for real, but patience is a vurtue)
I don't know if you have been on Clints blog Learning Domestic Discipline, but if you haven't you really should check it out, and if it matches your idea of how to practice Domestic Discipline send your husband a link and ask him to please read it. The information is only covering the application and practice of Domestic Discipline. Here is the address to his blog
http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/04/welcome-to-learning-domestic-discipline.html
Also, Christian Domestic Discipline has alot of good articles and a few the address the 4 Ds. I don't find DD as a biblically influenced dynamic (although you may, different strokes as they say) BUT it is a very good site for information. Here is the article that talks about the 4 Ds, it goes into alot of other stuff that I don't necessarily find helpfull in my situation, but angain, everyone if different.
http://christiandomesticdiscipline.com/gettingstarted.html
When I sent my husband the link to Clints blog I seen an almost immediate change in him, very slight, but I could tell he read the blog.
Anyway, I just wanted to pass that info along.
One more thing...TRY not to be so hard on your self, being a new mommy is tuff, and throwing that into a DD relationship that is just starting out, is really putting a lot of pressure you both of you. Just try to take it slow and ASK for your husbands help and understanding.
In many blogs I have read it is the wife that starts the process and asks the HOH to help her out with specific things
Like...asking him to help you make a list of things to get done in a specific time frame (tasks and chores) sometimes we ladies just have trouble focusing on what needs to be done, ONE thing at a time. We tend to try to do EVERYTHING at once and that just becomes overwhelming.
I am certianly NOT an expert here, like I said my husband and I are just starting out, but I just wanted to offer a little advice and support. Your doing fine!
ditto to what Laura said...you will get more confident and competent as you go along. Dishes and laundry will always be there...the "baby days" won't.
ReplyDeleteAs for rules, K and I have about 10...sometimes a couple more, sometimes a couple less. They are all centered around things that are issues in our relationship. I'm not big on rules like..you must work out 15 min a day....or lose 2 pounds a week. Ours are more broad, designed to make our life together more smooth...like no dangerous activities (texting while driving), no lying or vague answers, keep your phone with you unless he's notified, etc. We had modified them over time and even done away with a few that are no longer an issue.
Love the idea of leaving the blogs on his phone...leaves the decision up to him....smart lady!
Good luck with your own "contract"...whatever form it takes...
Hi Heather! Yeah, even all the baby books will tell you not to worry about chores and cleaning, LOL. Right now, that little one IS your full time job. And you need to keep your stress level down for his sake, so yeah, anytime you get free time, you need to take that time to destress, not worry about what's not getting done. You're doing great, rules will come, but right now, as everyone says, take it slow. Don't worry about all that! There will be time for all that later! Hugs! :)
ReplyDeleteHey Heather...our rule is the same - no texting and driving. I think that's the first rule that Z has "formally" given me. Oh...and I can't forget my cell phone anymore. As far as the house goes and stuff....we're just pretty chilled. Being a good parent comes first....spending time with your kids should be a priority over laundry and stuff like that. Anyways, I have a moby wrap and wear my baby a lot. with our first I was a freak....baby number four is pretty easy except the sleep issue. Mine eats every 2 hours two and I pump to have milk stored up for Z to feed him once a week for me OR if Z thinks I need some alone time. Pumping has made a huge difference this time just because we trained this baby early to take a bottle and that way if I need longer than 2 hours (or if I want a jack in coke, wink wink) I can have it. :)
ReplyDeleteAnother thing is...make a list! Decide on maybe two things you want to get done that day...like wash and fold a load of laundry and vaccuum...and just get those two things done and you will feel successful. Don't do it all in one day!
And use a crock pot!
Sorry about the long comment......:)
Laurie I know I need to relax a little, I definitely have first time mommy syndrome. When I worked caring for infants, the new moms would make me batty bc of all their worrying, and what they worried about. Now, I'm the lady I used to laugh at lol I always thought I wouldn't be like this bc of my background in childcare but I guess it's different when its your own!
ReplyDeleteKiwi I know that right now I wouldn't have a chance in hell to keep up with it all right now and I wouldn't want to. Im enjoying time with my baby, its just knowing that someday I will have to both and I can't see how lol I sound a little whiny don't I? Yikes. It will all work out.
Bob, I can totally see where you're coming from, and I agree to an extent. I just think that I feel so crazy and out of sorts that if I had clear boundaries I would feel more secure and grounded?
Kitty, I knew you had many children but didn't realize there were ten! I admire you :) I agree, it is hard work but so worth it.
Findingsubmission, thank you for all the info. I have seen a few of those sites before. J and I have been at this for about a year, so were not all that new to it, we've just never had formal rules. Good luck to you in your journey, and thank you for reading and commenting!
Ks sweetie, thank you! Those are some pretty good ones, and I like that you guys keep it simple :)
Kay, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am trying to relax and take a little time for myself each day. I know it will get easier!
Ash, don't worry about a long comment, I love it! I like your list idea, I will have to try that. I was pumping a lot more in the beginning, (we also supplement 1-2 bottles a day with formula, if were out somewhere or if I'm doing something and J wants to feed him) but I haven't had much time lately. The baby definitely has some tummy troubles and doesn't like being put down for long so it's hard to find time to pump when he's awake and when he's asleep, I eat and shower lol I wanted to try the moby wrap we might have to get one!