J told me yesterday afternoon that I was going to be spanked last night, and that he planned to restrain my legs. True to his word, before bed he pulled out the liberator shape that we own (the black label hipster) and his belt. After I'd bent over the shape, he wrapped the belt around my thighs and secured them together. He started with the strap.
After a few well placed whaps, I threw my hands back and cried, "Ouch! Warm it up first, please!"
"Babe, I'm getting the handcuffs." he told me, matter-of-factly. He got them, and wrapped them around my wrists, then clipped them onto the hipster.
What an experience! It was an intense combination of sensations. The pain of the strap, the helplessness of being restrained, the wash of submission from being tied and spanked ... it was a very different experience than being spanked unrestrained. At first, it was very frustrating to not be able to put my hands back and protect myself. I never realized how much I take that for granted, the short reprieve that I can buy myself when I am unrestrained and put my hands back. Being unable to do that (or much of anything else but lie there and focus on my burning butt) put me in a submissive place very, very quickly.
He used the strap for a "warm up" then moved onto the small hairbrush. He certainly didn't go very easy and I was pleading before he'd finished with it.
*side note* When I say "pleading" I don't mean that I asked him to stop or anything like that. I hardly EVER ask him to stop .. usually I just say "please" a lot. I guess it's my way of saying slow down!
After he finished with the hairbrush, he went to the drawer and grabbed what looked to me like the majority of our implements. His next weapon of choice was the loopy.
I know I have mentioned in the past my extreme hatred for this implement, but I'm going to go there again. I hate it. It's evil. I don't know what it is about it (maybe the cruel bite) but no matter how he uses it, it makes me feel punished and not in the good way. I just feel like he's upset with me or something and that really throws me off when I haven't done anything wrong. I started to cry almost immediately after he started using it.
He didn't use it long, and honestly, I didn't really feel much of it. After the strap and hairbrush, I didn't feel much of anything. I mean, I knew that he was spanking me, but it was more just sensation than pain. He used every implement we own, though I didn't know that until he told me later. By the last paddle, the thick lexan, I'd not only stopped crying, I was pushing my bottom out for more. When he stopped paddling me, for a split second I found myself wishing there were more. Then his fingers were inside me and I was swept away in a surge of ecstasy. He played me like an instrument, knowing all the right notes to hit.
I was literally begging him to take me.
He did not disappoint.
Overall, I liked being restrained. It was an intense experience, but I enjoyed the almost instant submissiveness it brought me. I cant say for sure, but I think it made J feel powerful. I hope it did. The sex afterward was HOT. It was passionate, rough, and he was totally in control.
When we talked about it the next day, we both agreed that the sex was amazing. He felt that restraining me was "interesting" because it was new. He must have liked it a little, as he told me this morning that tonight he was going to restrain me again tonight... ankles, thighs and wrists. Hmm .. I may have to invest in some thigh cuffs :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A Spanking Delivered and Another to Come
Wow! It's almost been two weeks since I've posted .. sorry guys! I'm not sure why I haven't felt compelled to write lately. It's not that there hasn't been anything going on around here, because there certainly has. I guess I've just been busy and wrapped up in my day to day life. I started a part time job last week, and am totally loving it! It's just enough time out of the house where I'm not going stir crazy doing the same damn thing day in and day out, but not too much where I'm missing my baby boy too much either. Plus, my hours are during the day when J is home, so he and the baby have been able to have some alone time together, which has been great for the both of them! :)
It has been awhile since J has threatened (promised?) a spanking and hasn't delivered, and I guess it was bound to happen again eventually. He fell asleep before he could spank me. Yes, I was upset. I wasn't so much upset that the spanking didn't happen, but that he said he was going to do something, and didnt. I knew that he didn't do it on purpose, and I wasn't angry, BUT different choices could have been made, and the whole thing could have been avoided. So Monday morning I expressed to him that I was a little upset that the previous nights' plans had fallen through, and he admitted that it wasn't fair that he didn't spank me. I was grateful that he could see my point of view and I was proud that I didn't get angry or act out because of my hurt feelings.
Later that night, after he had returned from work, changed and showered, he ordered me over the arm of the loveseat in our room. He sat behind me on the bed, and used the strap on me. It must have been the fact that he was strapping me from a different angle, or SOMETHING, because holy EFF I couldn't stay still or take it graciously for the life of me. OUCH! I wriggled and squirmed and cried out. J was patient with me, reminding me to keep my hands out of the way, sometimes gently moving them so he could continue.
It got very intense near the end and after throwing my hands back a few times only to have them swept away instantly, I jumped off the end of the loveseat and sorta curled up.
"Baby, get back up. You've got 15 more on each cheek." J told me firmly.
I couldn't. There was just no way that I could get back up. I looked at him pleadingly, my eyes begging for mercy. It just hurt so bad.
"Come on," he urged, his hand on my back.
I grabbed onto his leg, laying my head in his lap. "Please, can I go over your lap?" I whimpered.
He must have recognized my distress, as he helped me up over his lap. His free hand circled my waist, resting on my hip, warm and comforting. He delivered the rest of my strapping, which I was able to take MUCH better in my new position, then I was directed to put it away and bring him the lotion.
I handed it to him and lay back over his lap, loving the feel of his rough hands gently rubbing lotion into my burning bottom. Ahh, such bliss :)
I work until right before J has to be at work, so I meet him at his job and he passes the baby off to me. Today, after he put the car seat in the back seat, he came around to the driver's side and opened the door. I melted into his arms, grateful to be this near to him for just a moment. I knew he had to get inside but I just wanted to steal every last available second I could with him. I am enjoying my work and getting fulfillment from it, but it doesn't make me miss him less when I'm gone and it's been tough getting used to not having time together between our respective shifts.
"It's almost friday," he whispered to me. I burrowed my face further into his chest. "Tonight I'm going to spank you. And I'm gonna tie your legs up with rope."
My head snapped up and I looked at him in a mixture of disbelief, embarassment, and total arousal. My heart started pounding.
He smiled at my expression, and I wondered if I was visibly blushing. "Or maybe straps...my belt? We'll see..." he kissed me, and headed inside.
This has consumed my thoughts all day. I wonder if he's thought about it as much as I have. I am so curious to see what he has in store for me!
Well, he's in the shower and should be returning back to our room soon. I shall update you all again very soon :)
It has been awhile since J has threatened (promised?) a spanking and hasn't delivered, and I guess it was bound to happen again eventually. He fell asleep before he could spank me. Yes, I was upset. I wasn't so much upset that the spanking didn't happen, but that he said he was going to do something, and didnt. I knew that he didn't do it on purpose, and I wasn't angry, BUT different choices could have been made, and the whole thing could have been avoided. So Monday morning I expressed to him that I was a little upset that the previous nights' plans had fallen through, and he admitted that it wasn't fair that he didn't spank me. I was grateful that he could see my point of view and I was proud that I didn't get angry or act out because of my hurt feelings.
Later that night, after he had returned from work, changed and showered, he ordered me over the arm of the loveseat in our room. He sat behind me on the bed, and used the strap on me. It must have been the fact that he was strapping me from a different angle, or SOMETHING, because holy EFF I couldn't stay still or take it graciously for the life of me. OUCH! I wriggled and squirmed and cried out. J was patient with me, reminding me to keep my hands out of the way, sometimes gently moving them so he could continue.
It got very intense near the end and after throwing my hands back a few times only to have them swept away instantly, I jumped off the end of the loveseat and sorta curled up.
"Baby, get back up. You've got 15 more on each cheek." J told me firmly.
I couldn't. There was just no way that I could get back up. I looked at him pleadingly, my eyes begging for mercy. It just hurt so bad.
"Come on," he urged, his hand on my back.
I grabbed onto his leg, laying my head in his lap. "Please, can I go over your lap?" I whimpered.
He must have recognized my distress, as he helped me up over his lap. His free hand circled my waist, resting on my hip, warm and comforting. He delivered the rest of my strapping, which I was able to take MUCH better in my new position, then I was directed to put it away and bring him the lotion.
I handed it to him and lay back over his lap, loving the feel of his rough hands gently rubbing lotion into my burning bottom. Ahh, such bliss :)
I work until right before J has to be at work, so I meet him at his job and he passes the baby off to me. Today, after he put the car seat in the back seat, he came around to the driver's side and opened the door. I melted into his arms, grateful to be this near to him for just a moment. I knew he had to get inside but I just wanted to steal every last available second I could with him. I am enjoying my work and getting fulfillment from it, but it doesn't make me miss him less when I'm gone and it's been tough getting used to not having time together between our respective shifts.
"It's almost friday," he whispered to me. I burrowed my face further into his chest. "Tonight I'm going to spank you. And I'm gonna tie your legs up with rope."
My head snapped up and I looked at him in a mixture of disbelief, embarassment, and total arousal. My heart started pounding.
He smiled at my expression, and I wondered if I was visibly blushing. "Or maybe straps...my belt? We'll see..." he kissed me, and headed inside.
This has consumed my thoughts all day. I wonder if he's thought about it as much as I have. I am so curious to see what he has in store for me!
Well, he's in the shower and should be returning back to our room soon. I shall update you all again very soon :)
Friday, September 23, 2011
Being Brave
It started with a spanking.
We were laying in bed together, and J instructed me to get the strap. I whined just a little.
"Whyyy?"
"It's only a good girl spanking," he assured me.
Reluctantly, I got up to get the strap. I laid down on my belly and braced myself, but he didn't go too hard on me. It stung a bit while he was using it, but afterward, it actually felt quite nice. Once he'd stopped with the strap, he handed it to me and told me to go get whatever I wanted from the drawer. I browsed my options carefully, and chose the thick lexan paddle that is in the shape of a celtic knot. I absolutely love the way that it looks, despite how terribly heavy it is.
We have only used it once or twice, and not for a while. When you don't use an implement for an extended period of time, you tend to forget what it feels like, almost (but not quite) forget that it's available for use. When you see it again, you get a rush of excitement, it's almost like having a new toy. At least, that's what it's like for me.
He was surprised when I carried it back over to him. He asked me why I picked that one. After explaining myself, he reminded me of how heavy the paddle is. "I'm just saying, it could make this feel less like a good girl spanking and more like a bad girl one without me even meaning for it to."
I just looked at him and nodded.
The spanking did get more intense because of it, but not in a bad way. This paddle is unlike anything I've been spanked with. All of our other implements are pretty stingy but this one is definitely on the "thuddy" side. It hurts in a completely different way.
When he finished spanking me, he put the paddle aside and pulled me to his body.
I love how he does this. I adore being held in his strong arms, especially after being spanked. I feel so little and so loved and everything in my world is so perfect in moments like these.
I don't know how long we stayed like that. Eventually we separated our bodies, and I ended up laying beside him on my tummy as we whispered to each other. He started to rub my bum and then he swatted it a few times to "make it red again". His fingers began wandering, and his skillful hands went to work.
What happened next really shocked me, in a way that I can't even describe. To say it blew my mind is an understatement. To put it simply, he initiated something that we have never done before. He's never even mentioned an interest in this particular thing, so needless to say we haven't talked about it in the context of our relationship at all. He knew it was something I was uncomfortable with. What he didnt know is that lately, the idea of it has sort of appealed to me. I hadn't told him this because 1) I didn't think that I would want it in real life. Fantasies are much different than reality. AND 2) I didn't think he'd be interested at all. I guess maybe he did know.
It was a really powerful experience, and I honestly just don't have the words to do it justice. If he had asked me, I would have said no way. I probably wouldn't have even considered it. But he didnt ask, or really say much at all. That in itself was absolutely intoxicating, him wanting this from me enough to just go ahead and take it...it made me want to give him anything in the world that he wanted. I was already flooded with submissive feelings from the spanking I'd gotten just a little while earlier, and this just pushed me further into that submission. I felt totally dominated, in a wonderful, lovely way. Even though I was unsure, hesitant, even .. I never even considered telling him to stop or that I didn't want it. Because he wanted it, and I wanted to please him (and hey, it felt good). I don't know what it was about this that made me feel so completely owned, but my head was swimming with it.
Afterwards we hopped in the shower together. He held me and told me I was very brave, and that he found it sexy. I don't think I've ever been more proud in my life, knowing that he was so happy with me .. my heart just swelled.
It seems my man has tapped into his dominant side, and I must say, it suits him well :)
We were laying in bed together, and J instructed me to get the strap. I whined just a little.
"Whyyy?"
"It's only a good girl spanking," he assured me.
Reluctantly, I got up to get the strap. I laid down on my belly and braced myself, but he didn't go too hard on me. It stung a bit while he was using it, but afterward, it actually felt quite nice. Once he'd stopped with the strap, he handed it to me and told me to go get whatever I wanted from the drawer. I browsed my options carefully, and chose the thick lexan paddle that is in the shape of a celtic knot. I absolutely love the way that it looks, despite how terribly heavy it is.
We have only used it once or twice, and not for a while. When you don't use an implement for an extended period of time, you tend to forget what it feels like, almost (but not quite) forget that it's available for use. When you see it again, you get a rush of excitement, it's almost like having a new toy. At least, that's what it's like for me.
He was surprised when I carried it back over to him. He asked me why I picked that one. After explaining myself, he reminded me of how heavy the paddle is. "I'm just saying, it could make this feel less like a good girl spanking and more like a bad girl one without me even meaning for it to."
I just looked at him and nodded.
The spanking did get more intense because of it, but not in a bad way. This paddle is unlike anything I've been spanked with. All of our other implements are pretty stingy but this one is definitely on the "thuddy" side. It hurts in a completely different way.
When he finished spanking me, he put the paddle aside and pulled me to his body.
I love how he does this. I adore being held in his strong arms, especially after being spanked. I feel so little and so loved and everything in my world is so perfect in moments like these.
I don't know how long we stayed like that. Eventually we separated our bodies, and I ended up laying beside him on my tummy as we whispered to each other. He started to rub my bum and then he swatted it a few times to "make it red again". His fingers began wandering, and his skillful hands went to work.
What happened next really shocked me, in a way that I can't even describe. To say it blew my mind is an understatement. To put it simply, he initiated something that we have never done before. He's never even mentioned an interest in this particular thing, so needless to say we haven't talked about it in the context of our relationship at all. He knew it was something I was uncomfortable with. What he didnt know is that lately, the idea of it has sort of appealed to me. I hadn't told him this because 1) I didn't think that I would want it in real life. Fantasies are much different than reality. AND 2) I didn't think he'd be interested at all. I guess maybe he did know.
It was a really powerful experience, and I honestly just don't have the words to do it justice. If he had asked me, I would have said no way. I probably wouldn't have even considered it. But he didnt ask, or really say much at all. That in itself was absolutely intoxicating, him wanting this from me enough to just go ahead and take it...it made me want to give him anything in the world that he wanted. I was already flooded with submissive feelings from the spanking I'd gotten just a little while earlier, and this just pushed me further into that submission. I felt totally dominated, in a wonderful, lovely way. Even though I was unsure, hesitant, even .. I never even considered telling him to stop or that I didn't want it. Because he wanted it, and I wanted to please him (and hey, it felt good). I don't know what it was about this that made me feel so completely owned, but my head was swimming with it.
Afterwards we hopped in the shower together. He held me and told me I was very brave, and that he found it sexy. I don't think I've ever been more proud in my life, knowing that he was so happy with me .. my heart just swelled.
It seems my man has tapped into his dominant side, and I must say, it suits him well :)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Better Days
I am feeling all kinds of happy, loved, and secure these past couple of days. The past couple of weeks have been pretty darn good, actually, and I'd be willing to bet it's all the spankings I've been getting! There have been quite a few, most of them short and playful, but all of them amazing.
The transformation I'm seeing in J is gradual but significant. He is more confident in leading me, being in control of me and I love it. When he asserts his control over me, I just want to melt into a puddle at his feet.
I think my love language is spanking .. is that possible? It has become quite clear, at least to me, that there is a direct connection with my behind being spanked, and my mood. I have felt less out of control of myself, my emotions and my life since I've sensed J stepping up. The overwhelming emotions I was feeling are gone. My theory is that since I was feeling so disconnected from J for a while there, everything else just seemed a billion times worse than it really was. I felt like he didn't want me, that he was annoyed and irritated with me, and that he would rather do anything in the world other than just spend time with me. Of course none of these things could be further from the truth, but it was how I felt at the time. It had been quite a while since I'd really been spanked, there had been a few instances where my feelings were unintentionally hurt, and thats all it took. I was falling deeper and deeper into a pit of self pity and I didn't know how to express that I was feeling unloved. Things are pretty much the opposite, now. Moments like this are happening all the time:
Yesterday while we were rolling around on the bed and playing with each other, a conversation arose that made my heart flutter. At one point he grabbed my bum and asked me how it was, to which I replied it was fine. He asked how I wanted it to be, and as any devout spanko would reply, I chirped, "Red!"
He happily obliged me, spanking me first with his hand, then asking for .. wait for it ... his brush! HIS! My, oh my. And no, that wasn't even the heart fluttering comment, but it did make me just a little happy, even though I didn't want "his" brush anywhere near my butt. Once he'd reddened my bum to his satisfaction, he said, "It's red, just how you like it!"
Giggling, I agreed. I do like it red.
"You want it to be red all the time?"
I nodded shyly, blushing. "Yes sir!" I said, barely over a whisper.
"Every day? That's a big commitment to make.." he told me. "Do you think your butt can handle it?"
"UMM YES!" I said excitedly, wiggling my bum at him. Now, let me pause here to point out that this most likely is a case of my fantasy riddled mind getting way ahead of my poor little butt. In my defense, I get caught up in the idea of being spanked every day. There's just something about it, knowing there will be a moment in every day where I must physically submit to him, that I will feel his dominance and control, a time in each day that belongs to just the two of us. I love that idea. Yeah, spankings hurt, but hey .. no pain, no gain, right? We've had daily spankings in the past, and I had a serious love/hate relationship with them. I know he wasn't saying that there would be daily spankings, but thats where my mind went spinning to, and what a lovely place it is! At any rate, I'll take a spanking as often as he wants to give 'em! (Which lately, is faaar more often than before!!)
Last night, I had gone shopping with a friend. When I got home, I texted J who was at work and told him I missed him.
His response : miss u! ur not texting while driving r ya?
It kinda took my breath away. That might sound stupid to you, but J isn't the type of guy to "check up" on me. I'm not sure why, but I'm sure he just doesnt feel the need to. I sort of liked it, though. I liked that he wanted to make sure I was behaving, and following the only "rule" we really have! In the past, I have hoped for him to "check up" on other things, like when he asked me to do something specifically. I struggle with confessing if I've broken the rule or disobeyed because I am afraid he will think I'm saying it to get punished. Which is absolutely not the case. I hate disobeying and/or disappointing him. I want to please him, and it breaks my heart when he is anything but happy with me. So anyway, that was kinda neat.
All this to say, things are amazing. I have a few posts in the works right now, I'm still trying to disentangle and organize my thoughts. Also, I'm now on twitter! @disciplinedream follow me :)
The transformation I'm seeing in J is gradual but significant. He is more confident in leading me, being in control of me and I love it. When he asserts his control over me, I just want to melt into a puddle at his feet.
I think my love language is spanking .. is that possible? It has become quite clear, at least to me, that there is a direct connection with my behind being spanked, and my mood. I have felt less out of control of myself, my emotions and my life since I've sensed J stepping up. The overwhelming emotions I was feeling are gone. My theory is that since I was feeling so disconnected from J for a while there, everything else just seemed a billion times worse than it really was. I felt like he didn't want me, that he was annoyed and irritated with me, and that he would rather do anything in the world other than just spend time with me. Of course none of these things could be further from the truth, but it was how I felt at the time. It had been quite a while since I'd really been spanked, there had been a few instances where my feelings were unintentionally hurt, and thats all it took. I was falling deeper and deeper into a pit of self pity and I didn't know how to express that I was feeling unloved. Things are pretty much the opposite, now. Moments like this are happening all the time:
Yesterday while we were rolling around on the bed and playing with each other, a conversation arose that made my heart flutter. At one point he grabbed my bum and asked me how it was, to which I replied it was fine. He asked how I wanted it to be, and as any devout spanko would reply, I chirped, "Red!"
He happily obliged me, spanking me first with his hand, then asking for .. wait for it ... his brush! HIS! My, oh my. And no, that wasn't even the heart fluttering comment, but it did make me just a little happy, even though I didn't want "his" brush anywhere near my butt. Once he'd reddened my bum to his satisfaction, he said, "It's red, just how you like it!"
Giggling, I agreed. I do like it red.
"You want it to be red all the time?"
I nodded shyly, blushing. "Yes sir!" I said, barely over a whisper.
"Every day? That's a big commitment to make.." he told me. "Do you think your butt can handle it?"
"UMM YES!" I said excitedly, wiggling my bum at him. Now, let me pause here to point out that this most likely is a case of my fantasy riddled mind getting way ahead of my poor little butt. In my defense, I get caught up in the idea of being spanked every day. There's just something about it, knowing there will be a moment in every day where I must physically submit to him, that I will feel his dominance and control, a time in each day that belongs to just the two of us. I love that idea. Yeah, spankings hurt, but hey .. no pain, no gain, right? We've had daily spankings in the past, and I had a serious love/hate relationship with them. I know he wasn't saying that there would be daily spankings, but thats where my mind went spinning to, and what a lovely place it is! At any rate, I'll take a spanking as often as he wants to give 'em! (Which lately, is faaar more often than before!!)
Last night, I had gone shopping with a friend. When I got home, I texted J who was at work and told him I missed him.
His response : miss u! ur not texting while driving r ya?
It kinda took my breath away. That might sound stupid to you, but J isn't the type of guy to "check up" on me. I'm not sure why, but I'm sure he just doesnt feel the need to. I sort of liked it, though. I liked that he wanted to make sure I was behaving, and following the only "rule" we really have! In the past, I have hoped for him to "check up" on other things, like when he asked me to do something specifically. I struggle with confessing if I've broken the rule or disobeyed because I am afraid he will think I'm saying it to get punished. Which is absolutely not the case. I hate disobeying and/or disappointing him. I want to please him, and it breaks my heart when he is anything but happy with me. So anyway, that was kinda neat.
All this to say, things are amazing. I have a few posts in the works right now, I'm still trying to disentangle and organize my thoughts. Also, I'm now on twitter! @disciplinedream follow me :)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
If you step up, I'll step up, too.
I got myself into hot water this past weekend. I will tell you the story, and you might say that you've heard it before. You would be right. *Sigh* This has happened before.
J was sitting across the room from me in the basement, and when I was moving to go upstairs, he told me that I had to come around the coffee table past him and not on the other side. He had a glimmer in his eye.
I didn't want to outright disobey him, but I just knew if I walked by him, I was going to be subject to a few swats or a pinch or something. I moved to go around the outside of the table, but I moved slowly, and I watched his face carefully. "I dunno..."
"Walk on this side." he said more sternly.
I shook my head, and kept moving in the same direction I was headed. I was still moving fairly slow.
He narrowed his eyes at me, and I paused. "Walk past me." he demanded.
I weighed my options quickly. I figured even if I was threatened a spanking, if I could get away quick enough, it probably wouldn't happen. I knew he wasn't going to follow me upstairs where our roommate and my sister were, and didn't think he'd remember later on. I found a bit of bravery somewhere, took a deep breath and said, "No." I moved quickly for the stairs but he closed in on me in no time.
He grabbed me, pulled me in. He told me that later, I was going to face consequences for not coming to him. I tried to apologize, but he shook his head. He reminded me that he had first asked me to walk his way, then told me to, and then I said no. He said I was going to "get it good."
Later, after we'd finished our second maintenance session for the weekend, he was giving me a couple of swats "for attitude" (or something) and I said, "Well, what was the last one for then?"
"Because you've always got an attitude." he didn't mention the incident earlier.
I wondered if he'd forgotten, or decided not to punish me for it? Maybe he'd included it in the maintenance spanking and just hadn't told me? I didn't want to nag him, so I didn't question him about it. You know me though, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Was he going to punish me, or wasn't he? I had thought 'finally he's going to step up and spank me for something thats important to him.' After thinking about it all day, I had come to the point where I'd realized my wrong doing, felt guilty about it, and wanted to wipe the slate clean. The next morning I told him he forgot something.
After a few minutes of trying to get me to tell him, he guessed "you think I forgot what you did yesterday?"
I made a face, and smiled a little.
"I didn't forget. I asked you to walk by my side, then I told you to, and you didnt listen. Then you said no." he recalled, looking at me sternly.
I squirmed, blushing under his firm glare. I looked away.
"Didn't you?"
"Yes sir."
"What's up with that?" he asked.
"Well ... you had a devious look in your eye! I was just trying to avoid whatever you were going to do to me!"
"I dont care," he told me. "I told you to do something, and you're supposed to do it, devious look or not."
Just then, yeah .. you guessed it! The baby started crying, looking to eat. So the conversation pretty much died there. A little bit later, the baby was napping and J and I were alone. I decided to bring it up again, to put my mind to rest.
"Am I not in trouble for yesterday?" I asked.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you said ... "
J cut me off. "I said, 'later there'd be consequences'. I didn't say when later was." When he saw the disgruntled look on my face, he added, "Fine. I'll tell you this. You're going to get 20 hard smacks on each cheek for doing that. You just never know when."
My heart sank. So I'd have to go around knowing that at any moment I could be spanked? Or worse, that he'd forget about it all together? I wish he'd have spanked me right when it happened! Or at least that day. I didn't want to have to wonder forever when and if I was going to be punished. "You can't do that."
"I can do whatever I want," J said, "The reason you hate it, is the reason it's good."
"No," I argued. "It's not fair!"
"Why isn't it fair?" he wanted to know.
I could name a million reasons, and they were all rushing through my mind. But for some reason, when I opened my mouth to tell him, I felt a sob rushing up to fall out instead, and snapped my mouth shut, covering my face with my hands. I didn't want to cry over this! Why couldn't I just tell him how I was feeling?
"Baby, come on. Let's go upstairs." he suggested.
We went upstairs, and checked on the baby.
After making sure he was still asleep, J took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
I sat on the bed and watched as he walked to the drawer and opened it. I felt my heart beat a little faster when he pulled the oval hairbrush out.
He pointed to the arm of the love seat and I bent over it. "I'm satisfying your need," he told me as he pulled my pants, then panties down. When he firmly put his hand on my lower back and pushed me down was when I started to get nervous.
Oh crap. Why did I have to say anything in the first place?
The swats were hard and fast. They hurt. I struggled to stay in place and even though it was only 20 on each, my butt was hot and stingy when it was over.
He hugged me afterward, and I apologized. He made me tell him what I was sorry for, then accepted my apology.
Today, out of nowhere, he told me to go with him to the bedroom. When I asked why, he told me I was going to be spanked. He told me it was a reminder, because he'd asked me to do something last night, and I'd forgotten. He brought me to the bedroom, and he used his belt on me.
It hurt, but it was short lived, just enough to warm me up and remind me that task needed to be done tonight.
We were back to laughing and joking together afterward. He told me to stand up on the edge of the bed and I did. This brings me closer to his height and it's easier for him to wrap me up in his arms when I'm up there.
With my arms around his neck I said, "Baby .. I don't like your belt."
He started to laugh. "What's the matter with it? Doesnt fit right? Should I get a new one?" He thinks he's funny.
I havent done the task yet, but once the baby is down for the night, I'm going to for sure. I want him to see that I really am trying. I want him to know that I appreciate when he takes the time to correct me and let me know that he expects better behavior.
I can feel J stepping up, in big and small ways. Now it's my turn to show him it's worth it to do so.
J was sitting across the room from me in the basement, and when I was moving to go upstairs, he told me that I had to come around the coffee table past him and not on the other side. He had a glimmer in his eye.
I didn't want to outright disobey him, but I just knew if I walked by him, I was going to be subject to a few swats or a pinch or something. I moved to go around the outside of the table, but I moved slowly, and I watched his face carefully. "I dunno..."
"Walk on this side." he said more sternly.
I shook my head, and kept moving in the same direction I was headed. I was still moving fairly slow.
He narrowed his eyes at me, and I paused. "Walk past me." he demanded.
I weighed my options quickly. I figured even if I was threatened a spanking, if I could get away quick enough, it probably wouldn't happen. I knew he wasn't going to follow me upstairs where our roommate and my sister were, and didn't think he'd remember later on. I found a bit of bravery somewhere, took a deep breath and said, "No." I moved quickly for the stairs but he closed in on me in no time.
He grabbed me, pulled me in. He told me that later, I was going to face consequences for not coming to him. I tried to apologize, but he shook his head. He reminded me that he had first asked me to walk his way, then told me to, and then I said no. He said I was going to "get it good."
Later, after we'd finished our second maintenance session for the weekend, he was giving me a couple of swats "for attitude" (or something) and I said, "Well, what was the last one for then?"
"Because you've always got an attitude." he didn't mention the incident earlier.
I wondered if he'd forgotten, or decided not to punish me for it? Maybe he'd included it in the maintenance spanking and just hadn't told me? I didn't want to nag him, so I didn't question him about it. You know me though, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Was he going to punish me, or wasn't he? I had thought 'finally he's going to step up and spank me for something thats important to him.' After thinking about it all day, I had come to the point where I'd realized my wrong doing, felt guilty about it, and wanted to wipe the slate clean. The next morning I told him he forgot something.
After a few minutes of trying to get me to tell him, he guessed "you think I forgot what you did yesterday?"
I made a face, and smiled a little.
"I didn't forget. I asked you to walk by my side, then I told you to, and you didnt listen. Then you said no." he recalled, looking at me sternly.
I squirmed, blushing under his firm glare. I looked away.
"Didn't you?"
"Yes sir."
"What's up with that?" he asked.
"Well ... you had a devious look in your eye! I was just trying to avoid whatever you were going to do to me!"
"I dont care," he told me. "I told you to do something, and you're supposed to do it, devious look or not."
Just then, yeah .. you guessed it! The baby started crying, looking to eat. So the conversation pretty much died there. A little bit later, the baby was napping and J and I were alone. I decided to bring it up again, to put my mind to rest.
"Am I not in trouble for yesterday?" I asked.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you said ... "
J cut me off. "I said, 'later there'd be consequences'. I didn't say when later was." When he saw the disgruntled look on my face, he added, "Fine. I'll tell you this. You're going to get 20 hard smacks on each cheek for doing that. You just never know when."
My heart sank. So I'd have to go around knowing that at any moment I could be spanked? Or worse, that he'd forget about it all together? I wish he'd have spanked me right when it happened! Or at least that day. I didn't want to have to wonder forever when and if I was going to be punished. "You can't do that."
"I can do whatever I want," J said, "The reason you hate it, is the reason it's good."
"No," I argued. "It's not fair!"
"Why isn't it fair?" he wanted to know.
I could name a million reasons, and they were all rushing through my mind. But for some reason, when I opened my mouth to tell him, I felt a sob rushing up to fall out instead, and snapped my mouth shut, covering my face with my hands. I didn't want to cry over this! Why couldn't I just tell him how I was feeling?
"Baby, come on. Let's go upstairs." he suggested.
We went upstairs, and checked on the baby.
After making sure he was still asleep, J took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
I sat on the bed and watched as he walked to the drawer and opened it. I felt my heart beat a little faster when he pulled the oval hairbrush out.
He pointed to the arm of the love seat and I bent over it. "I'm satisfying your need," he told me as he pulled my pants, then panties down. When he firmly put his hand on my lower back and pushed me down was when I started to get nervous.
Oh crap. Why did I have to say anything in the first place?
The swats were hard and fast. They hurt. I struggled to stay in place and even though it was only 20 on each, my butt was hot and stingy when it was over.
He hugged me afterward, and I apologized. He made me tell him what I was sorry for, then accepted my apology.
Today, out of nowhere, he told me to go with him to the bedroom. When I asked why, he told me I was going to be spanked. He told me it was a reminder, because he'd asked me to do something last night, and I'd forgotten. He brought me to the bedroom, and he used his belt on me.
It hurt, but it was short lived, just enough to warm me up and remind me that task needed to be done tonight.
We were back to laughing and joking together afterward. He told me to stand up on the edge of the bed and I did. This brings me closer to his height and it's easier for him to wrap me up in his arms when I'm up there.
With my arms around his neck I said, "Baby .. I don't like your belt."
He started to laugh. "What's the matter with it? Doesnt fit right? Should I get a new one?" He thinks he's funny.
I havent done the task yet, but once the baby is down for the night, I'm going to for sure. I want him to see that I really am trying. I want him to know that I appreciate when he takes the time to correct me and let me know that he expects better behavior.
I can feel J stepping up, in big and small ways. Now it's my turn to show him it's worth it to do so.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Even Though Summer's Ending
Things are heating up around here. Friday, I was going to write a post about how down I've been. How lately, I've been feeling like I can't do anything right...like I'm a failure at the only things I'm supposed to be good at, being a mother and wife. I didn't get around to writing that day, and I'm glad I didn't.
Saturday night, J and I had a talk, it was not about dd but about some things that have been going on in our life. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. He told me how he was feeling about the way I have been acting recently, and it was really an eye-opener. He was absolutely right about everything he said, and it was hard to hear it.
I was wrong, that's for sure. I hadn't done these things intentionally to hurt him. I would never do anything to hurt him, on purpose. There was just a lot going on at once and I didnt know how to process everything at once. I shut him out. I was lonely, not having spent enough time with J. I started to feel like he didn't want to be around me, to spend time together. Once that happened, it was a lost cause. I started putting up walls to protect myself. I felt like I was on my own, and of course that scared me. I pushed him away. When he offered to help me with the baby, I told him I didn't need his help, I could do it myself. I was being stubborn, it was like I was trying to prove (to myself) that I could do it on my own. It was silly, but I didn't see that then. I cried while he told me how my actions had affected him, and he sounded pretty upset himself.
He wiped my tears and told me he hadn't meant to make me cry.
I knew that. I know that J loves me more than he loves himself, more than anything, except our son. He wants to protect me at all times, never wants to see me sad. My heart hurt...but it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have treated him the way that I did. I should have thought more about it, but I was selfish and only looked at it from my perspective. I thought about all of this as we sat in silence.
When our roommate came into the basement where we were sitting, I excused myself to bed. J followed soon after. He got out the strap, and told me to roll over. I did. He didn't say anything the whole time, except to tell me to get my hands away or to roll back over.
It was extremely intense. J told me after that he wasn't hitting me any harder than usual, and I do believe that. I was still emotionally raw from the talk we'd had only a short while before. I was feeling so guilty for what I'd done, so sorry that I'd disappointed him. He didn't say a word, and yet I felt punished. It hurt so bad, at times I really didn't think I could take it. I rolled away, positive I just couldn't do it. He wasnt phased, just told me to roll back over, firmly guided me back to where I need to be so he could strap me more. I thought it would never end. I sobbed, and he kept spanking. When it finally ended, and I was snuggled up in his arms, I felt so relieved. Even though he didnt say it, I felt like "maintenance" had more of a discipline tone to it. All the guilt I'd felt for hurting J, for acting the way I did, for being so stubborn, it all melted away. I felt so peaceful, like J and I were back on track again, together. The distance had been closed between us, effectively.
"How's your butt feel?" he asked, sticking a hand down the back of my pants and squeezing my bum.
"Ouch!" I squealed, giggling a little. "It's soreeee, does it feel hot?"
"Nope," he murmured in my ear. "I think it needs something more."
I felt alarmed. "What?!" I cried. "Like what..."
His voice was gentle, but totally serious. "I'm thinking maybe the hairbrush."
My heart nearly stopped. "Wait...really?"
"Yep."
"No." I said firmly, looking in his eyes. Only a moment after saying that, though, I re-evaluated. Yes, my bottom was hot and sore. BUT he is the one who's in charge. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay."
"Okay what?"
"If you want to give it to me," I whispered. "I'll take it."
His deep laugh rumbled through the room. "Well, there's an open invitation if I ever heard one, I'll have to keep that one in mind." He didn't spank me again. Was he just looking to see if I would submit to it, even though I had already had more than I thought I could stand? I don't know.
Sunday, I felt like a whole new woman. We had a great day together. We laughed, and played with each other too, not just the baby. We were all over each other every chance we got, touching, kissing, caressing, squeezing. Lots of fun, sexy, sporadic spankings happened throughout the day. J made it clear he planned to make love to me that night. It was a wonderful thing to day dream about to pass the time. We were watching tv together in the basement when J said it was time to go to bed. I put him off for a few minutes and he sat on the futon a few feet away. Finally, when I was ready to go to bed, I got up and started for the stairs, announcing I was going to bed.
"No you're not," J told me.
"Yes, I am. Come on," I urged him.
"Come over here first."
I shook my head, turning back for the stairs. "Come on! I'm going to bed,"
He didn't move. Waited for me to turn around. Which, of course, I did. "Get over here, now!" he ordered, pointing to the spot on the floor in front of him.
I stood there for a minute, contemplating turning and going up the stairs, but realized what I was doing and went to him. He held his arms out to me, and I sat beside him and leaned into his offered embrace. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should have come over right away."
"Naughty," he said, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry!"
"You couldn't walk ten feet over to me? You just said, no." he sounded disappointed. He looked disappointed.
"I know, I'm sorry baby." I said softly, looking into his eyes. "I should have come over."
"Let's go," he sighed.
We went upstairs, to bed, together.
I walked into the room as he was undressing. I stood before him, running my finger tips over his bare skin while he took his clothes off. I couldn't take my eyes off him, couldn't get enough of feeling him.
When he was down to his boxers, he grabbed me and pulled me against his body. He rubbed his hand between my legs, kissing me hard. Then, he roughly spun me around and bent me over at the waist, putting my hands on the bed. He spanked me for a couple minutes, hard enough so that I was dancing around and my bum was pretty warm.
"Get on the bed." he ordered, pointing at the bed.
"Yes sir!" I cried, happily obeying. I climbed onto the bed and looked up at him, my eyes sparkling, a smile on my lips.
He laid me down, and kissed me tenderly. He undressed me, made me feel good. He laid back and let me make him feel good. Then we laid beside each other, slowly and gently touching, enjoying our bodies. We made each other feel good.
Suddenly, "Roll over on your tummy."
I did.
He spanked me again, bare, and even though I was already a little sore, I felt so good that it just increased my pleasure. Then, he rolled me over again and we made love.
It was amazing. It was hot.
This morning, when the baby went down for his first nap, J dragged me off to the bedroom to make love again. It's like a spell has been put on us, ever since that big spanking on saturday.
All this little episode in our lives proves to me is that maintenance is an extremely important part of the equation for us. When we went too long without a serious-toned spanking, I started to feel shaky. I panicked, tried to handle things on my own, and crashed and burned. We both ended up confused and hurt. Once that "reset" button was hit, things were easy between us again. We gravitate toward each other instead of repelling away. We cant keep our hands off each other, cant get enough. I havent hesitated to ask for his help, or to accept it graciously when it's offered. We are working together instead of for ourselves, and it feels really great. Things are definitely heating up ;)
Saturday night, J and I had a talk, it was not about dd but about some things that have been going on in our life. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. He told me how he was feeling about the way I have been acting recently, and it was really an eye-opener. He was absolutely right about everything he said, and it was hard to hear it.
I was wrong, that's for sure. I hadn't done these things intentionally to hurt him. I would never do anything to hurt him, on purpose. There was just a lot going on at once and I didnt know how to process everything at once. I shut him out. I was lonely, not having spent enough time with J. I started to feel like he didn't want to be around me, to spend time together. Once that happened, it was a lost cause. I started putting up walls to protect myself. I felt like I was on my own, and of course that scared me. I pushed him away. When he offered to help me with the baby, I told him I didn't need his help, I could do it myself. I was being stubborn, it was like I was trying to prove (to myself) that I could do it on my own. It was silly, but I didn't see that then. I cried while he told me how my actions had affected him, and he sounded pretty upset himself.
He wiped my tears and told me he hadn't meant to make me cry.
I knew that. I know that J loves me more than he loves himself, more than anything, except our son. He wants to protect me at all times, never wants to see me sad. My heart hurt...but it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have treated him the way that I did. I should have thought more about it, but I was selfish and only looked at it from my perspective. I thought about all of this as we sat in silence.
When our roommate came into the basement where we were sitting, I excused myself to bed. J followed soon after. He got out the strap, and told me to roll over. I did. He didn't say anything the whole time, except to tell me to get my hands away or to roll back over.
It was extremely intense. J told me after that he wasn't hitting me any harder than usual, and I do believe that. I was still emotionally raw from the talk we'd had only a short while before. I was feeling so guilty for what I'd done, so sorry that I'd disappointed him. He didn't say a word, and yet I felt punished. It hurt so bad, at times I really didn't think I could take it. I rolled away, positive I just couldn't do it. He wasnt phased, just told me to roll back over, firmly guided me back to where I need to be so he could strap me more. I thought it would never end. I sobbed, and he kept spanking. When it finally ended, and I was snuggled up in his arms, I felt so relieved. Even though he didnt say it, I felt like "maintenance" had more of a discipline tone to it. All the guilt I'd felt for hurting J, for acting the way I did, for being so stubborn, it all melted away. I felt so peaceful, like J and I were back on track again, together. The distance had been closed between us, effectively.
"How's your butt feel?" he asked, sticking a hand down the back of my pants and squeezing my bum.
"Ouch!" I squealed, giggling a little. "It's soreeee, does it feel hot?"
"Nope," he murmured in my ear. "I think it needs something more."
I felt alarmed. "What?!" I cried. "Like what..."
His voice was gentle, but totally serious. "I'm thinking maybe the hairbrush."
My heart nearly stopped. "Wait...really?"
"Yep."
"No." I said firmly, looking in his eyes. Only a moment after saying that, though, I re-evaluated. Yes, my bottom was hot and sore. BUT he is the one who's in charge. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay."
"Okay what?"
"If you want to give it to me," I whispered. "I'll take it."
His deep laugh rumbled through the room. "Well, there's an open invitation if I ever heard one, I'll have to keep that one in mind." He didn't spank me again. Was he just looking to see if I would submit to it, even though I had already had more than I thought I could stand? I don't know.
Sunday, I felt like a whole new woman. We had a great day together. We laughed, and played with each other too, not just the baby. We were all over each other every chance we got, touching, kissing, caressing, squeezing. Lots of fun, sexy, sporadic spankings happened throughout the day. J made it clear he planned to make love to me that night. It was a wonderful thing to day dream about to pass the time. We were watching tv together in the basement when J said it was time to go to bed. I put him off for a few minutes and he sat on the futon a few feet away. Finally, when I was ready to go to bed, I got up and started for the stairs, announcing I was going to bed.
"No you're not," J told me.
"Yes, I am. Come on," I urged him.
"Come over here first."
I shook my head, turning back for the stairs. "Come on! I'm going to bed,"
He didn't move. Waited for me to turn around. Which, of course, I did. "Get over here, now!" he ordered, pointing to the spot on the floor in front of him.
I stood there for a minute, contemplating turning and going up the stairs, but realized what I was doing and went to him. He held his arms out to me, and I sat beside him and leaned into his offered embrace. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should have come over right away."
"Naughty," he said, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry!"
"You couldn't walk ten feet over to me? You just said, no." he sounded disappointed. He looked disappointed.
"I know, I'm sorry baby." I said softly, looking into his eyes. "I should have come over."
"Let's go," he sighed.
We went upstairs, to bed, together.
I walked into the room as he was undressing. I stood before him, running my finger tips over his bare skin while he took his clothes off. I couldn't take my eyes off him, couldn't get enough of feeling him.
When he was down to his boxers, he grabbed me and pulled me against his body. He rubbed his hand between my legs, kissing me hard. Then, he roughly spun me around and bent me over at the waist, putting my hands on the bed. He spanked me for a couple minutes, hard enough so that I was dancing around and my bum was pretty warm.
"Get on the bed." he ordered, pointing at the bed.
"Yes sir!" I cried, happily obeying. I climbed onto the bed and looked up at him, my eyes sparkling, a smile on my lips.
He laid me down, and kissed me tenderly. He undressed me, made me feel good. He laid back and let me make him feel good. Then we laid beside each other, slowly and gently touching, enjoying our bodies. We made each other feel good.
Suddenly, "Roll over on your tummy."
I did.
He spanked me again, bare, and even though I was already a little sore, I felt so good that it just increased my pleasure. Then, he rolled me over again and we made love.
It was amazing. It was hot.
This morning, when the baby went down for his first nap, J dragged me off to the bedroom to make love again. It's like a spell has been put on us, ever since that big spanking on saturday.
All this little episode in our lives proves to me is that maintenance is an extremely important part of the equation for us. When we went too long without a serious-toned spanking, I started to feel shaky. I panicked, tried to handle things on my own, and crashed and burned. We both ended up confused and hurt. Once that "reset" button was hit, things were easy between us again. We gravitate toward each other instead of repelling away. We cant keep our hands off each other, cant get enough. I havent hesitated to ask for his help, or to accept it graciously when it's offered. We are working together instead of for ourselves, and it feels really great. Things are definitely heating up ;)
Friday, September 2, 2011
Just Say Yes.
This afternoon, I was sitting on the couch and J went into the bedroom to change for work. The door was open and he poked his head out, and motioned for me to come into the room. I shook my head. He motioned again, raising his eyebrow this time.
"NO!" I whispered loudly. (The baby was half-sleeping only a few feet away from me)
He gave me a look, and motioned again.
Sighing, I got up and went into the room. "What?" I asked.
"Why didn't you want to come in?"
"I dont know. Why did you want me to?"
Not skipping a beat, he replied, "Why wouldn't I want you to? Why does it matter? Maybe I wanted to kiss you." he said, pulling me close and nibbling on my neck. Kissing me softly, he said, "Maybe I wanted to smack your butt."
"Why!" I cried out, pouting. Obviously, I wanted him to spank me. I just didnt want him to know that I wanted him to. Gah. I confuse myself, I cant even imagine how much I must confuse J. Poor guy. Anyway.
He reached around and grabbed my bum, then gave it a quick couple of swats. "I'm just throwing out maybes. Why couldn't you just say yes?" he asked.
"Say yes to what?"
"When I told you to come in here, instead of fighting me..why didnt you just say yes?"
"I will," I answered quietly. "Next time." I'm sure he didn't mean for me to think so much about this, but I have. Even at that moment, I knew what he said was going to have a significant impact on me.
"No you wont." J said evenly.
"What? Why not?"
He sighed. "Because thats what you do."
Of course, I argued with him. Because thats what I do. "No its not. I really will next time."
"No, you'll probably disobey again." (Okay. Just hearing him say that word made me squirm! Gosh, I sorta love when he talks spanko :p)
"I swear, I'll try to just say yes next time." I didn't mean just when he tells me to come into the room, I meant in general. I started to think about why I didn't just say yes. Why is my first reaction to fight against what he's telling me to do? I'm not sure. I think part of me is waiting to see where he will draw the line. Pushing to see if he's got it in him to actually punish me for something that he doesnt like, and not just because I asked him to. I try not to do that, because it's not fair to J. I try to just be submissive, consequences or not...but sometimes, I just cant help but push! It's times when I am stressed out, feeling lost, overwhelmed...I act out, craving his discipline, needing desperately to be contained. I just need to know, when I am running around in a million directions like a chicken with my head cut off, that there are walls to lean against, and they are unmoving. It doesn't usually work, but I haven't learned from that I guess. I am going to work on fixing this. I don't want to be this girl, insecure and needy, trying to get his attention (read: discipline) by acting out. I want to be good for him, because he deserves that from his wife.
Just a little side note here: this morning, there was a commercial or something about not having internet for a day ... and J made a comment like "you would die if you couldn't get on the internet."
I nodded my head, in full agreement. "I know. That would be awful." Now .. before I tell you what the next thing out of my mouth was, you all have to understand that I really didn't think anything bad could come from this. We don't have rules. J doesn't really "punish" me for things unless I ask him to ... so this seemed like a safe comment. So, I said "I read some blogs, and some people have rules about that .. ugh!" I was looking for a response like Wow, that's a little overboard, don't you think? or Some guys are just too strict.
What did he say? "What, like not being allowed to go on as much as you do?"
Woah. I did not like the way this was going! "No...that's not what I'm saying. What I was saying, was that it's horrible! I could never..."
He had a look on his face that spelled trouble.
If he decides to finally make a rule, and it involves an internet time limit, I'm seriously going to cry.
Happy Friday everyone :)
"NO!" I whispered loudly. (The baby was half-sleeping only a few feet away from me)
He gave me a look, and motioned again.
Sighing, I got up and went into the room. "What?" I asked.
"Why didn't you want to come in?"
"I dont know. Why did you want me to?"
Not skipping a beat, he replied, "Why wouldn't I want you to? Why does it matter? Maybe I wanted to kiss you." he said, pulling me close and nibbling on my neck. Kissing me softly, he said, "Maybe I wanted to smack your butt."
"Why!" I cried out, pouting. Obviously, I wanted him to spank me. I just didnt want him to know that I wanted him to. Gah. I confuse myself, I cant even imagine how much I must confuse J. Poor guy. Anyway.
He reached around and grabbed my bum, then gave it a quick couple of swats. "I'm just throwing out maybes. Why couldn't you just say yes?" he asked.
"Say yes to what?"
"When I told you to come in here, instead of fighting me..why didnt you just say yes?"
"I will," I answered quietly. "Next time." I'm sure he didn't mean for me to think so much about this, but I have. Even at that moment, I knew what he said was going to have a significant impact on me.
"No you wont." J said evenly.
"What? Why not?"
He sighed. "Because thats what you do."
Of course, I argued with him. Because thats what I do. "No its not. I really will next time."
"No, you'll probably disobey again." (Okay. Just hearing him say that word made me squirm! Gosh, I sorta love when he talks spanko :p)
"I swear, I'll try to just say yes next time." I didn't mean just when he tells me to come into the room, I meant in general. I started to think about why I didn't just say yes. Why is my first reaction to fight against what he's telling me to do? I'm not sure. I think part of me is waiting to see where he will draw the line. Pushing to see if he's got it in him to actually punish me for something that he doesnt like, and not just because I asked him to. I try not to do that, because it's not fair to J. I try to just be submissive, consequences or not...but sometimes, I just cant help but push! It's times when I am stressed out, feeling lost, overwhelmed...I act out, craving his discipline, needing desperately to be contained. I just need to know, when I am running around in a million directions like a chicken with my head cut off, that there are walls to lean against, and they are unmoving. It doesn't usually work, but I haven't learned from that I guess. I am going to work on fixing this. I don't want to be this girl, insecure and needy, trying to get his attention (read: discipline) by acting out. I want to be good for him, because he deserves that from his wife.
Just a little side note here: this morning, there was a commercial or something about not having internet for a day ... and J made a comment like "you would die if you couldn't get on the internet."
I nodded my head, in full agreement. "I know. That would be awful." Now .. before I tell you what the next thing out of my mouth was, you all have to understand that I really didn't think anything bad could come from this. We don't have rules. J doesn't really "punish" me for things unless I ask him to ... so this seemed like a safe comment. So, I said "I read some blogs, and some people have rules about that .. ugh!" I was looking for a response like Wow, that's a little overboard, don't you think? or Some guys are just too strict.
What did he say? "What, like not being allowed to go on as much as you do?"
Woah. I did not like the way this was going! "No...that's not what I'm saying. What I was saying, was that it's horrible! I could never..."
He had a look on his face that spelled trouble.
If he decides to finally make a rule, and it involves an internet time limit, I'm seriously going to cry.
Happy Friday everyone :)
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