the luckiest.

     I am one lucky girl. The luckiest, in fact.

     Yesterday was a hard day. Since starting the baby on his reflux meds, we have been having mostly good days. But yesterday reminded me of the days before he was on his meds. The days he cried all day, seemingly inconsolable. He would quiet for a moment or two, then start screaming again. I was grateful to have passed those days, because they hurt me. They make me feel inadequate because it seems as if nothing I do can help my baby feel better. I feel like a failure. I know that this is not true, and that babies have days where they are going to cry. In the heat of the moment, though, when I've done absolutely everything I can think of to console my screaming bundle, and nothing works ... I want to bury my face and cry. In fact, I spent most of yesterday crying with my baby because I couldn't calm him. (He eventually was content after finally pooping at 8 pm! Poor guy ..)
     To make things worse, J had to work later than usual and I was feeling overwhelmed, and needy. I missed him, I needed his help, I needed him to tell me it was okay, and it wasn't my fault our baby was so upset. We were talking through text and I told him I was missing him, and having a rough day. I expressed some concerns I was having (about myself) and he reassured me that I was doing fine. Not only did he have to work late, but he'd also promised my little sister that he would take her out driving since she is going for her license test tonight, so I was home alone most of the day yesterday. He came home to eat dinner in between working and taking her driving. While he was there, he could see that I was having a hard day and feeling down, and he promised me that when he got back, I was going to get a "good girl spanking with a bad edge". I nodded my head, secretly thinking that I was going to need more than a good girl spanking, but I kept my mouth shut.
    
     When he finally got home, we sat together on the couch for a while, and he talked to our roommate about the sink (it had been clogged, and was now fixed). I fed the baby, changed him, put him down, and then J and I went to bed.
     He spanked me with the hairbrush, and then told me to pick something I wanted him to use.
     Of course, theres nothing in our arsenal that I want used on me, I prefer his hand, but I'm not allowed to pick his hand on occasions like this. Only he decides when he uses his hand. If he tells me to pick an implement, thats what I have to do. Soooo I chose the black strap, since he promised this was going to be a good girl spanking.
     In the end, the "good girl spanking with a hard edge" was just what I needed It was hard enough to recenter me but gentle enough for me to enjoy.

     J has been so wonderful this week about keeping me in a good frame of mind. There have been little spankings here and there all week, some hard, some not so hard, but all of them have reminded me how dedicated my man is to making our relationship a priority.

Vacation

    Yesterday we returned from a week long trip to Cape Cod. J's family has been doing this for years, and this was my third year. It was nice to have an entire week with J, and we were constantly showing each other how much we appreciated being together 24/7. There were lots of discreet sexy moments, playful spankings, and even maintenance. We brought the pink 4 rod cane and the dogging bat. Since we arrived on Saturday, and that's when we usually do maintenance, we got a chance to use them the first night. He gave me a few with the dogging bat but he realized quickly it was too loud with his mother sleeping on the other side of the wall. He gave me the rest of my spanking with the cane, then put them back in the drawer where they'd been stashed in our room. We cuddled and talked for a while before falling asleep together. The baby slept pretty good most nights.
    There even were a few public spankings! Oh man, it was so embarassing .. and thrilling! I was following behind J in the parking lot at Ocean State Job Lot and swatting his butt playfully. Glancing over his shoulder, he told me to stop. I was feeling feisty, and I swatted him again. He quickly grabbed me and sort of tucked me under his arm and smacked my butt twice. I thought I was going to have a heart attack! There were three people two rows in front of us! I know they didnt see, but still! I have no idea if there was anyone behind us in cars or anything. I told J later that I hope if anyone did see us, that it made their day, because if I had been the one to witness something like that, it would certainly make mine! One night, J's mom watched the baby for us while we took a walk down to the beach. We went to a couple different ones, and at the last one we went to, J had me put my hands on the railing and he gave me a few spanks with a group of teenagers sitting not too far away behind a shack. Just the possibility of someone seeing (though I know J would never do that to me) was absolutely exhilarating! I was horrified, but at the same time, loved every minute. It really was a great week! We were able to have a date night and get dinner by ourselves, and J's mom watched the baby for us. Things have been so hectic lately with the baby that we havent been able to enjoy each other's company as much as we would like and it was great to catch up a little on that this week.
     Last night we had maintenance again. I had put the baby to sleep, and sat down beside J at the end of the bed. We sat there a few moments before he got up and took his shirt off. Then, he unbuckled his belt and slid it through it's loops. I stared at him as I always do when he takes his belt off like that, but then, he folded it and pointed it at the love seat.
    I got up and started to climb up on the love seat, and he stopped me.
    "No, over here." he pointed to the end of it.
    I went to where he stood and bent myself over the piled up towels and blankets from vacation. I felt him tug my pants down, and then my panties. For some reason, I still wasn't expecting what came next.
    He used his belt on me! He has given me maybe three swats with his belt total, EVER, and they were all very playful and gentle. He has never used it for maintenance or punishment.
    OH.MY.GOD.
    I can tell you this. I dont want to meet up with that belt (or any other) ever again. ouch.
    He used his hand some, too. Hard. (I thought it was hard. This morning when I told him he spanked me hard with his hand last night he informed me they were "mediocre" and offered to demonstrate what hard ones would be like. I declined very politely.) He was very firm yet loving throughout the whole thing.
    I was having a hard time keeping my hands where they belonged. I tried time and time again to protect myself.
   After my hand strayed back a third time, J pushed it away and told me for every time I put my hand back, I'd get another ten on each cheek.
    I believed him, and I wasn't even trying to test him! But, my hand came back at least twice after I was warned.
    J, true to his word, counted out ten straight on each cheek before returning to slapping all over my bottom, each time it happened. After he finished, he got up and got some lotion and rubbed it on my sore, hot flesh. He spanked while he rubbed it in.
    By the time I was allowed up and gathered into his arms, I was feeling very submissive and turned on. I started to show J how much I approved of my spanking, and we wound up making love. It was the perfect way to close out a week away.

    Unfortunately, we eventually realized that the dogging bat and the cane were forgotten at the vacation rental house in the drawer! Oh man, wish I could be a fly on the wall when the next renters come in and discover them? Wonder if we'll have caused / inspired a spanking? I kinda hope so ;)

not so smooth sailing

Things have not been great. I am not emotionally in a good place. The reason for this encompasses many, many things. I have been this way for almost a week. I am constantly stressed out, no matter what actually happens throughout the day. We have a week long vacation coming up next week with my in laws and our roommate and I'm a little apprehensive. I'm nervous how the baby will be away from home for so long. I'm disappointed because I can't put on a bathing suit and lay in the sun and enjoy the beach, because I am disgusted by and ashamed of how my body looks. I worry that everyone will be watching me care for the baby like a hawk, and secretly think I'm doing everything wrong.

I got spanked yesterday. It hurt, but I didn't cry. I needed to. We missed Saturday maintenance again. J was tired and fell asleep on the couch. I knew he was exhausted, as was I. Obviously, he didn't intentionally fall asleep, but my feelings were hurt all the same. Even though it's usually painful and I don't enjoy the actual spanking itself, I look forward to maintenance. It's a chance for us to reconnect and just be focused on each other, something that doesn't ever happen otherwise, now that the baby is here. So, this being the third Saturday in a row that he'd fallen asleep, I felt unimportant. I was harboring a little resentment after what felt like being pushed aside. Sunday, J had a horrible migraine. I felt awful because no matter what he did, his head hurt. He couldn't sit up, or stand or walk without his head pounding. That brings us to yesterday, and I was all out of sorts.

I texted J telling him I still hadn't had maintenance. (HINT,HINT in other words). He promised I would get it, and he kept his word. When the baby went down for a nap and we had the house to ourselves, he ordered me to the bedroom. He used the hairbrush first, and I could barely stay still. It was worse than I remembered it! I begged him to use something else. Finally, he agreed, and he started using the doggin bat. Let me tell you, the damn thing hurts when it's used on your sit spot or thighs! He brought up the fact that I'd been teasing him about falling asleep on the couch while he spanked. I wanted to tell him that was how my hurt manifested itself, but I didn't. After the spanking was over, I felt just...empty. And upset. I didn't know why. The spanking was pretty long, and hard! Emotionally, I just hadn't reached the place I needed to be. But J had ended the spanking proclaiming that his arms hurt, so I felt like I couldn't ask for more even though I really needed it. He held me, and we talked a little. He asked when I was seeing my doctor.

"Tomorrow," I answered.

"So does that mean we can have sex tomorrow night?" he asked.

"Nope." I told him playfully.

"I might have to take it from you," he whispered in my ear.

"I might fall asleep." ok, that wasn't the best way to approach this, but I couldn't take it back now.

He was upset. "Hey, that's mean! I didn't fall asleep on purpose! You don't think that, do you?" he demanded.

I didn't answer. My eyes were filling with tears. Of course I know he didn't fall asleep on purpose, but that didn't change my hurt feelings.

"You do, don't you?"

We laid there in silence for a bit. I knew he was angry and I was afraid to say anything. The silence was agonizing, as I imagined every terrible thing he must be thinking about me.

"Lets go," he said.

We went to the living room where we sat in silence again. I cried again.

"I gotta say, it's pretty upsetting for you to think I intentionally do things to blow you off," he said finally.

Still crying, I was drowning in my emotions. I could hardly tell which way was up. I was so sad that I'd disappointed him. I couldn't speak so I sat in silence with tears rolling down my face. After awhile, and ALOT more crying, we hugged, and J told me that he'd expected me to have more faith in him than that.

He's right. I should. And, I do. I never thought he did it on purpose, though I was acting as if he did. I was already feeling insecure, and missing the spanking only amplified that, and I found myself in an internal downward spiral, positive that he wanted nothing to do with me. Today, I feel good about J and I. I know he's not mad at me. I don't feel good about myself, though. I need to work on a lot of things.

Stunned.

     As I sit here and type I am still somewhat taken aback. The HOH fairy has come to my house, cloned a more serious, stern hubby, and left him with me, escaping with the cuddly, laid back version.
     Yesterday was a bit of a stressful day. No particular reason, I am just easily stressed and lately, it's all just been builing up and building up, with no way for me to release it. Plus, my back was super sore because Silas was pretty fussy and I spent a good chunk of my day sitting on a bouncy ball with him in my arms. Do that for 10-20 min at a time with a 14 lb baby and you're bound to screw your back up. So, I was a tad cranky, and complaining about my back (like I have been for the past week) to J.
     He came to take over the bouncing of the baby and reminded me that I still havent used the heating pad, and that I should do so to help with my back.
     Frustrated, I snapped, "I don't even know where it is!" In my head, all I was thinking was when the fu*k do I have time to use the freaking heating pad? Totally not fair of me to snap at J but I was tired (ok, exhausted), sore and stressed out.
     "It's either behind the couch, or on the stairs in our room." he said slowly. "You don't need to snap at me."
     I got up and went to the bathroom, locking myself in. I cried because I felt like J was mad at me, and I felt bad for letting my emotions get the best of me. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and held my head in my hands while I cried.
     Literally two minutes later, J was knocking on the door. I thought he'd figured out I was upset, because he's usually pretty good at that, but when I opened the door, he was holding the baby, telling me he had to use the bathroom.
     For the rest of the night, I was distant and moody. I didn't have any more outbursts or anything like that, but I was definitely in a mood. I ended up in bed before J and I stared at the ceiling while I waited for him to come in.
     When he finally did, I watched him undress. I love when he takes off his belt, because he usually does it super fast so it snaps through the loops, just cuz he knows I like the sound of it ;)
     He laid beside me. "Baby, what's wrong?" he asked.
     "Nothing," I lied.
     "Baby..." he said. "What's wrong?"
     "Nothing!" I insisted.
     "Roll over." J said firmly. When I didn't move, he repeated himself.
     I rolled over, avoiding looking at him. I could feel my face getting hot.
     He asked me again what was wrong, and again I told him nothing. He strapped me. It fell randomly on each side, and then it stopped. Again, he asked what was wrong. Nothing. The strap came down again, burning my poor bum. Clearly, he wasn't going to let it go, so when he stopped and asked me a third time what was wrong, I decided I should probably answer.
     "I'm just stressed out!" I blurted out.
     He started strapping me again, while he talked to me. He's not usually much of a talker when he spanks, so this caught me off guard. "What are you stressed about?"
     Between strokes, I managed to squeak, "The baby!"
     "Is that all?"
     "Mostly!" By this point I was squirming and trying so hard to avoid the strap.
     "What else?" he asked.
      Well, I didn't really know what else. I just felt .. blech. "Nothing,"
      That earned me harder strokes. "Babe, what else?"
     "Nothing else! Nothing, really.."
     "Well you said mostly, so what else is it besides the baby? Me?" he kept up smacking me with the God-awful strap.
     "It's nothing else, I swear!"
      For a few moments, he said nothing while he continued laying that evil strap on my burning butt. Finally, he said, "Do you know what to do about your stress?" he asked.
     "No!" I wanted to add obviously, since I'm in this position right now, but decided to keep that tasty little tidbit to myself.
     "You dont?" he waited for me to moan another pathetic 'no' before going on. "You can take a walk, put the baby in the stroller and he may cry for a minute but he quiets right down. Same thing with a car ride. You need to work your stress off. I think taking a long walk would be most beneficial to you, to burn your stress off. You know what I mean?"
     "Yes sir!" I assured him.
     He strapped me for another few minutes before ending the spanking and pulling me into his arms. He held me tight, kissed my head, and whispered how much he loved me. He did not ask if I was okay. He didn't apologize for making me cry.
     I closed my eyes while he held me and just let myself be. I felt so secure and loved wrapped up in his warm arms that I wished we could stay that way forever. I was more content after this spanking than I've felt in a very long time.

     This spanking was very different for me in a lot of ways. J initiated it, which obviously made me feel more like he was in control and that I could just let go. He spanked both sides randomly, with no set number, which made me feel more out of control because I couldn't count down the swats and mentally stay on top of the pain. I couldn't reason with myself that I only had x number of swats left so if I could just make it through, I'd be okay. He talked to me throughout, which kept me in the moment. I had to focus on everything that was happening, listening to him and formulating my own responses. Not only that but I felt more connected to him, like he was more involved and invested in this one? I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I felt. Afterward, by not asking if I was ok or apologizing for making me cry, he made me feel that he was confident in his decision to spank me, which he should have been. I certainly deserved and needed it. I will definitely remember this spanking for a long time. Forever. I am so incredibly lucky to have J.

well, THAT didn't go quite like I planned...

     Let me be very clear about something. J did not try to spank me Sunday night. There was no trying involved. He did as he darn well pleased.
     We were in the basement, whispering about the baby when he stopped and looked at me.
     "Come over here," he said, walking toward the laundry area.
     I followed silently. I knew what he had up his sleeve, but I wasn't expecting anything like this. I thought he'd be all like 'Im sorry I fell asleep honey, do you want a spanking now?'. Not the case. This .. well, this was kinda hot!
     He stood in front of the dryer. "Put your hands up here." he ordered.
     "Why?" I pouted, but I did what he said.
     He started whacking my butt through my yoga pants. He spanked me for a minute or two before letting me up.
     My head was buzzing. I couldnt believe he'd just done that! J usually only spanks me at night, when we're in bed. He has never EVER led me over to something and made me get into position! And, folks, believe it or not...this was only the beginning of firsts that night.
     Later, we sat in the living room eating, watching the baby fall asleep in the swing. The minute I finished eating, J looked at me and asked if I was done.
     I nodded that I was.
     "Ok, get up and go into the room."
     He's never done anything like this before either.
     I did, and sat on the bed.
     He piled the blankets in the middle of the bed, and motioned for me to lay over them. When I did, he grabbed the doggin bat and started whacking me with it. He spanked all over my butt and thighs, making it sting. Once I was warmed up and squirming a little, he told me I'd be getting 100 on each side. They hurt way more than I expected! He did not stick to just my bottom and made my thighs burn as well. I hate being spanked on my thighs! grrr. As if that weren't enough, he then strapped me with the black strap! 100 more on each side! Pants down! He suggested that he wasn't done spanking me for the day, but thankfully, he did not spank me again all that day.

     Contrary to what I posted the other day, I didn't even try to say no. Frankly, I loved seeing him be so dominant. I think if he'd acted like he often does, and tried to cater what I wanted and how I wanted it, I would have been more resistant. However since he took total control and just spanked me when and where and how he pleased, I was much more compliant. It was like a switch was flipped inside me. I didn't dare say no, because it was clear that he was in charge and I had better just do as he says. It was pretty nice, actually.

     I wanted to thank everyone for their advice, concern, and support. I am feeling better now. I think I was just having a hard time when I last posted, and after re-reading, I realized I probably shouldn't have used the word insane. I was definitely run down and my emotions were controlling my brain instead of logic. Spending whole days with no human contact outside of a screaming infant can make a person feel a little nutty. Thankfully, I realized that he was crying way more often than a typical infant. Not only were his cries almost constant, they seemed frantic and as if he were in pain. I called the doctor yesterday morning and made an appointment. Silas saw the doctor and it's pretty likely that he has reflux. He was started on baby xantac yesterday, and if he does have reflux, we should see some improvement within a few days. I am hoping that this is going to help him feel better!

no way, no how

That's exactly what I'll say if he even dares try to spank me tonight. I am so fed up! I am crazy stressed out and full of emotions I would gladly not feel, so for my sanity's sake, I can not have another spanking blown off. I'm starting to feel like were not cut out for this. It's obviously not as important to him as it is to me (if at all).

If it's not clear, he fell asleep last night. I shouldn't be surprised, because I expected him to, but I just hoped maybe he'd keep his word this time.

Lately I am feeling like a terrible wife, and an even worse mother. I am constantly irritated with J, and most other people I come into contact with. I often think I wasn't meant to be a mom. All my life, all I've wanted was to have children. I just knew I was supposed to be a mother. Now that my baby is here, all I find myself thinking is he deserves better. Someone who doesn't feel like jumping off a cliff when he starts crying (more like won't stop). Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for all that I have. I am extremely lucky to have my family, and my baby boy is an absolute blessing. I just am overwhelmed, and I'm honestly a little afraid it might be more, might be ppd. I don't know.

What I do know is that I am worn. In a world where nothing goes as planned anymore, I need one thing that is predictable. I need to know that when I'm falling apart (NOW!!), that he will be there to smack some sense into me, and right now, Im not feeling the stability I usually do. What I am feeling is insecure, inadequate, insane.

testing, testing...is this thing on?

Alright, you might think I'm crazy. I have been pretty careless all day. I don't mean careless about the important things, like caring for the baby or doing the necessities. But when J talks to me, I let whatever I'm thinking fly. Things I normally wouldn't say have been slipping past my lips all day.

I have been warned, but I'm not sure what to think of that warning. Last weekend, he told me I had no idea what I was in for. Well, I didn't get anything, so when he dropped that line today, I couldn't help but make a comment.

"You have no idea what you're in for tonight,"

"probably nothing," I said nonchalantly. When he raised an eyebrow, I took another jab. "that's what you said last week and I didn't get anything."

Probably not the smartest idea, but hey, I've got a pretty good chance at getting away with it. Ive tested, he's warned...now only to see if he will pass the test and follow through.