Things have not been great. I am not emotionally in a good place. The reason for this encompasses many, many things. I have been this way for almost a week. I am constantly stressed out, no matter what actually happens throughout the day. We have a week long vacation coming up next week with my in laws and our roommate and I'm a little apprehensive. I'm nervous how the baby will be away from home for so long. I'm disappointed because I can't put on a bathing suit and lay in the sun and enjoy the beach, because I am disgusted by and ashamed of how my body looks. I worry that everyone will be watching me care for the baby like a hawk, and secretly think I'm doing everything wrong.
I got spanked yesterday. It hurt, but I didn't cry. I needed to. We missed Saturday maintenance again. J was tired and fell asleep on the couch. I knew he was exhausted, as was I. Obviously, he didn't intentionally fall asleep, but my feelings were hurt all the same. Even though it's usually painful and I don't enjoy the actual spanking itself, I look forward to maintenance. It's a chance for us to reconnect and just be focused on each other, something that doesn't ever happen otherwise, now that the baby is here. So, this being the third Saturday in a row that he'd fallen asleep, I felt unimportant. I was harboring a little resentment after what felt like being pushed aside. Sunday, J had a horrible migraine. I felt awful because no matter what he did, his head hurt. He couldn't sit up, or stand or walk without his head pounding. That brings us to yesterday, and I was all out of sorts.
I texted J telling him I still hadn't had maintenance. (HINT,HINT in other words). He promised I would get it, and he kept his word. When the baby went down for a nap and we had the house to ourselves, he ordered me to the bedroom. He used the hairbrush first, and I could barely stay still. It was worse than I remembered it! I begged him to use something else. Finally, he agreed, and he started using the doggin bat. Let me tell you, the damn thing hurts when it's used on your sit spot or thighs! He brought up the fact that I'd been teasing him about falling asleep on the couch while he spanked. I wanted to tell him that was how my hurt manifested itself, but I didn't. After the spanking was over, I felt just...empty. And upset. I didn't know why. The spanking was pretty long, and hard! Emotionally, I just hadn't reached the place I needed to be. But J had ended the spanking proclaiming that his arms hurt, so I felt like I couldn't ask for more even though I really needed it. He held me, and we talked a little. He asked when I was seeing my doctor.
"Tomorrow," I answered.
"So does that mean we can have sex tomorrow night?" he asked.
"Nope." I told him playfully.
"I might have to take it from you," he whispered in my ear.
"I might fall asleep." ok, that wasn't the best way to approach this, but I couldn't take it back now.
He was upset. "Hey, that's mean! I didn't fall asleep on purpose! You don't think that, do you?" he demanded.
I didn't answer. My eyes were filling with tears. Of course I know he didn't fall asleep on purpose, but that didn't change my hurt feelings.
"You do, don't you?"
We laid there in silence for a bit. I knew he was angry and I was afraid to say anything. The silence was agonizing, as I imagined every terrible thing he must be thinking about me.
"Lets go," he said.
We went to the living room where we sat in silence again. I cried again.
"I gotta say, it's pretty upsetting for you to think I intentionally do things to blow you off," he said finally.
Still crying, I was drowning in my emotions. I could hardly tell which way was up. I was so sad that I'd disappointed him. I couldn't speak so I sat in silence with tears rolling down my face. After awhile, and ALOT more crying, we hugged, and J told me that he'd expected me to have more faith in him than that.
He's right. I should. And, I do. I never thought he did it on purpose, though I was acting as if he did. I was already feeling insecure, and missing the spanking only amplified that, and I found myself in an internal downward spiral, positive that he wanted nothing to do with me. Today, I feel good about J and I. I know he's not mad at me. I don't feel good about myself, though. I need to work on a lot of things.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Stunned.
As I sit here and type I am still somewhat taken aback. The HOH fairy has come to my house, cloned a more serious, stern hubby, and left him with me, escaping with the cuddly, laid back version.
Yesterday was a bit of a stressful day. No particular reason, I am just easily stressed and lately, it's all just been builing up and building up, with no way for me to release it. Plus, my back was super sore because Silas was pretty fussy and I spent a good chunk of my day sitting on a bouncy ball with him in my arms. Do that for 10-20 min at a time with a 14 lb baby and you're bound to screw your back up. So, I was a tad cranky, and complaining about my back (like I have been for the past week) to J.
He came to take over the bouncing of the baby and reminded me that I still havent used the heating pad, and that I should do so to help with my back.
Frustrated, I snapped, "I don't even know where it is!" In my head, all I was thinking was when the fu*k do I have time to use the freaking heating pad? Totally not fair of me to snap at J but I was tired (ok, exhausted), sore and stressed out.
"It's either behind the couch, or on the stairs in our room." he said slowly. "You don't need to snap at me."
I got up and went to the bathroom, locking myself in. I cried because I felt like J was mad at me, and I felt bad for letting my emotions get the best of me. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and held my head in my hands while I cried.
Literally two minutes later, J was knocking on the door. I thought he'd figured out I was upset, because he's usually pretty good at that, but when I opened the door, he was holding the baby, telling me he had to use the bathroom.
For the rest of the night, I was distant and moody. I didn't have any more outbursts or anything like that, but I was definitely in a mood. I ended up in bed before J and I stared at the ceiling while I waited for him to come in.
When he finally did, I watched him undress. I love when he takes off his belt, because he usually does it super fast so it snaps through the loops, just cuz he knows I like the sound of it ;)
He laid beside me. "Baby, what's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I lied.
"Baby..." he said. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" I insisted.
"Roll over." J said firmly. When I didn't move, he repeated himself.
I rolled over, avoiding looking at him. I could feel my face getting hot.
He asked me again what was wrong, and again I told him nothing. He strapped me. It fell randomly on each side, and then it stopped. Again, he asked what was wrong. Nothing. The strap came down again, burning my poor bum. Clearly, he wasn't going to let it go, so when he stopped and asked me a third time what was wrong, I decided I should probably answer.
"I'm just stressed out!" I blurted out.
He started strapping me again, while he talked to me. He's not usually much of a talker when he spanks, so this caught me off guard. "What are you stressed about?"
Between strokes, I managed to squeak, "The baby!"
"Is that all?"
"Mostly!" By this point I was squirming and trying so hard to avoid the strap.
"What else?" he asked.
Well, I didn't really know what else. I just felt .. blech. "Nothing,"
That earned me harder strokes. "Babe, what else?"
"Nothing else! Nothing, really.."
"Well you said mostly, so what else is it besides the baby? Me?" he kept up smacking me with the God-awful strap.
"It's nothing else, I swear!"
For a few moments, he said nothing while he continued laying that evil strap on my burning butt. Finally, he said, "Do you know what to do about your stress?" he asked.
"No!" I wanted to add obviously, since I'm in this position right now, but decided to keep that tasty little tidbit to myself.
"You dont?" he waited for me to moan another pathetic 'no' before going on. "You can take a walk, put the baby in the stroller and he may cry for a minute but he quiets right down. Same thing with a car ride. You need to work your stress off. I think taking a long walk would be most beneficial to you, to burn your stress off. You know what I mean?"
"Yes sir!" I assured him.
He strapped me for another few minutes before ending the spanking and pulling me into his arms. He held me tight, kissed my head, and whispered how much he loved me. He did not ask if I was okay. He didn't apologize for making me cry.
I closed my eyes while he held me and just let myself be. I felt so secure and loved wrapped up in his warm arms that I wished we could stay that way forever. I was more content after this spanking than I've felt in a very long time.
This spanking was very different for me in a lot of ways. J initiated it, which obviously made me feel more like he was in control and that I could just let go. He spanked both sides randomly, with no set number, which made me feel more out of control because I couldn't count down the swats and mentally stay on top of the pain. I couldn't reason with myself that I only had x number of swats left so if I could just make it through, I'd be okay. He talked to me throughout, which kept me in the moment. I had to focus on everything that was happening, listening to him and formulating my own responses. Not only that but I felt more connected to him, like he was more involved and invested in this one? I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I felt. Afterward, by not asking if I was ok or apologizing for making me cry, he made me feel that he was confident in his decision to spank me, which he should have been. I certainly deserved and needed it. I will definitely remember this spanking for a long time. Forever. I am so incredibly lucky to have J.
Yesterday was a bit of a stressful day. No particular reason, I am just easily stressed and lately, it's all just been builing up and building up, with no way for me to release it. Plus, my back was super sore because Silas was pretty fussy and I spent a good chunk of my day sitting on a bouncy ball with him in my arms. Do that for 10-20 min at a time with a 14 lb baby and you're bound to screw your back up. So, I was a tad cranky, and complaining about my back (like I have been for the past week) to J.
He came to take over the bouncing of the baby and reminded me that I still havent used the heating pad, and that I should do so to help with my back.
Frustrated, I snapped, "I don't even know where it is!" In my head, all I was thinking was when the fu*k do I have time to use the freaking heating pad? Totally not fair of me to snap at J but I was tired (ok, exhausted), sore and stressed out.
"It's either behind the couch, or on the stairs in our room." he said slowly. "You don't need to snap at me."
I got up and went to the bathroom, locking myself in. I cried because I felt like J was mad at me, and I felt bad for letting my emotions get the best of me. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and held my head in my hands while I cried.
Literally two minutes later, J was knocking on the door. I thought he'd figured out I was upset, because he's usually pretty good at that, but when I opened the door, he was holding the baby, telling me he had to use the bathroom.
For the rest of the night, I was distant and moody. I didn't have any more outbursts or anything like that, but I was definitely in a mood. I ended up in bed before J and I stared at the ceiling while I waited for him to come in.
When he finally did, I watched him undress. I love when he takes off his belt, because he usually does it super fast so it snaps through the loops, just cuz he knows I like the sound of it ;)
He laid beside me. "Baby, what's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I lied.
"Baby..." he said. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" I insisted.
"Roll over." J said firmly. When I didn't move, he repeated himself.
I rolled over, avoiding looking at him. I could feel my face getting hot.
He asked me again what was wrong, and again I told him nothing. He strapped me. It fell randomly on each side, and then it stopped. Again, he asked what was wrong. Nothing. The strap came down again, burning my poor bum. Clearly, he wasn't going to let it go, so when he stopped and asked me a third time what was wrong, I decided I should probably answer.
"I'm just stressed out!" I blurted out.
He started strapping me again, while he talked to me. He's not usually much of a talker when he spanks, so this caught me off guard. "What are you stressed about?"
Between strokes, I managed to squeak, "The baby!"
"Is that all?"
"Mostly!" By this point I was squirming and trying so hard to avoid the strap.
"What else?" he asked.
Well, I didn't really know what else. I just felt .. blech. "Nothing,"
That earned me harder strokes. "Babe, what else?"
"Nothing else! Nothing, really.."
"Well you said mostly, so what else is it besides the baby? Me?" he kept up smacking me with the God-awful strap.
"It's nothing else, I swear!"
For a few moments, he said nothing while he continued laying that evil strap on my burning butt. Finally, he said, "Do you know what to do about your stress?" he asked.
"No!" I wanted to add obviously, since I'm in this position right now, but decided to keep that tasty little tidbit to myself.
"You dont?" he waited for me to moan another pathetic 'no' before going on. "You can take a walk, put the baby in the stroller and he may cry for a minute but he quiets right down. Same thing with a car ride. You need to work your stress off. I think taking a long walk would be most beneficial to you, to burn your stress off. You know what I mean?"
"Yes sir!" I assured him.
He strapped me for another few minutes before ending the spanking and pulling me into his arms. He held me tight, kissed my head, and whispered how much he loved me. He did not ask if I was okay. He didn't apologize for making me cry.
I closed my eyes while he held me and just let myself be. I felt so secure and loved wrapped up in his warm arms that I wished we could stay that way forever. I was more content after this spanking than I've felt in a very long time.
This spanking was very different for me in a lot of ways. J initiated it, which obviously made me feel more like he was in control and that I could just let go. He spanked both sides randomly, with no set number, which made me feel more out of control because I couldn't count down the swats and mentally stay on top of the pain. I couldn't reason with myself that I only had x number of swats left so if I could just make it through, I'd be okay. He talked to me throughout, which kept me in the moment. I had to focus on everything that was happening, listening to him and formulating my own responses. Not only that but I felt more connected to him, like he was more involved and invested in this one? I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I felt. Afterward, by not asking if I was ok or apologizing for making me cry, he made me feel that he was confident in his decision to spank me, which he should have been. I certainly deserved and needed it. I will definitely remember this spanking for a long time. Forever. I am so incredibly lucky to have J.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
well, THAT didn't go quite like I planned...
Let me be very clear about something. J did not try to spank me Sunday night. There was no trying involved. He did as he darn well pleased.
We were in the basement, whispering about the baby when he stopped and looked at me.
"Come over here," he said, walking toward the laundry area.
I followed silently. I knew what he had up his sleeve, but I wasn't expecting anything like this. I thought he'd be all like 'Im sorry I fell asleep honey, do you want a spanking now?'. Not the case. This .. well, this was kinda hot!
He stood in front of the dryer. "Put your hands up here." he ordered.
"Why?" I pouted, but I did what he said.
He started whacking my butt through my yoga pants. He spanked me for a minute or two before letting me up.
My head was buzzing. I couldnt believe he'd just done that! J usually only spanks me at night, when we're in bed. He has never EVER led me over to something and made me get into position! And, folks, believe it or not...this was only the beginning of firsts that night.
Later, we sat in the living room eating, watching the baby fall asleep in the swing. The minute I finished eating, J looked at me and asked if I was done.
I nodded that I was.
"Ok, get up and go into the room."
He's never done anything like this before either.
I did, and sat on the bed.
He piled the blankets in the middle of the bed, and motioned for me to lay over them. When I did, he grabbed the doggin bat and started whacking me with it. He spanked all over my butt and thighs, making it sting. Once I was warmed up and squirming a little, he told me I'd be getting 100 on each side. They hurt way more than I expected! He did not stick to just my bottom and made my thighs burn as well. I hate being spanked on my thighs! grrr. As if that weren't enough, he then strapped me with the black strap! 100 more on each side! Pants down! He suggested that he wasn't done spanking me for the day, but thankfully, he did not spank me again all that day.
Contrary to what I posted the other day, I didn't even try to say no. Frankly, I loved seeing him be so dominant. I think if he'd acted like he often does, and tried to cater what I wanted and how I wanted it, I would have been more resistant. However since he took total control and just spanked me when and where and how he pleased, I was much more compliant. It was like a switch was flipped inside me. I didn't dare say no, because it was clear that he was in charge and I had better just do as he says. It was pretty nice, actually.
I wanted to thank everyone for their advice, concern, and support. I am feeling better now. I think I was just having a hard time when I last posted, and after re-reading, I realized I probably shouldn't have used the word insane. I was definitely run down and my emotions were controlling my brain instead of logic. Spending whole days with no human contact outside of a screaming infant can make a person feel a little nutty. Thankfully, I realized that he was crying way more often than a typical infant. Not only were his cries almost constant, they seemed frantic and as if he were in pain. I called the doctor yesterday morning and made an appointment. Silas saw the doctor and it's pretty likely that he has reflux. He was started on baby xantac yesterday, and if he does have reflux, we should see some improvement within a few days. I am hoping that this is going to help him feel better!
We were in the basement, whispering about the baby when he stopped and looked at me.
"Come over here," he said, walking toward the laundry area.
I followed silently. I knew what he had up his sleeve, but I wasn't expecting anything like this. I thought he'd be all like 'Im sorry I fell asleep honey, do you want a spanking now?'. Not the case. This .. well, this was kinda hot!
He stood in front of the dryer. "Put your hands up here." he ordered.
"Why?" I pouted, but I did what he said.
He started whacking my butt through my yoga pants. He spanked me for a minute or two before letting me up.
My head was buzzing. I couldnt believe he'd just done that! J usually only spanks me at night, when we're in bed. He has never EVER led me over to something and made me get into position! And, folks, believe it or not...this was only the beginning of firsts that night.
Later, we sat in the living room eating, watching the baby fall asleep in the swing. The minute I finished eating, J looked at me and asked if I was done.
I nodded that I was.
"Ok, get up and go into the room."
He's never done anything like this before either.
I did, and sat on the bed.
He piled the blankets in the middle of the bed, and motioned for me to lay over them. When I did, he grabbed the doggin bat and started whacking me with it. He spanked all over my butt and thighs, making it sting. Once I was warmed up and squirming a little, he told me I'd be getting 100 on each side. They hurt way more than I expected! He did not stick to just my bottom and made my thighs burn as well. I hate being spanked on my thighs! grrr. As if that weren't enough, he then strapped me with the black strap! 100 more on each side! Pants down! He suggested that he wasn't done spanking me for the day, but thankfully, he did not spank me again all that day.
Contrary to what I posted the other day, I didn't even try to say no. Frankly, I loved seeing him be so dominant. I think if he'd acted like he often does, and tried to cater what I wanted and how I wanted it, I would have been more resistant. However since he took total control and just spanked me when and where and how he pleased, I was much more compliant. It was like a switch was flipped inside me. I didn't dare say no, because it was clear that he was in charge and I had better just do as he says. It was pretty nice, actually.
I wanted to thank everyone for their advice, concern, and support. I am feeling better now. I think I was just having a hard time when I last posted, and after re-reading, I realized I probably shouldn't have used the word insane. I was definitely run down and my emotions were controlling my brain instead of logic. Spending whole days with no human contact outside of a screaming infant can make a person feel a little nutty. Thankfully, I realized that he was crying way more often than a typical infant. Not only were his cries almost constant, they seemed frantic and as if he were in pain. I called the doctor yesterday morning and made an appointment. Silas saw the doctor and it's pretty likely that he has reflux. He was started on baby xantac yesterday, and if he does have reflux, we should see some improvement within a few days. I am hoping that this is going to help him feel better!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
no way, no how
That's exactly what I'll say if he even dares try to spank me tonight. I am so fed up! I am crazy stressed out and full of emotions I would gladly not feel, so for my sanity's sake, I can not have another spanking blown off. I'm starting to feel like were not cut out for this. It's obviously not as important to him as it is to me (if at all).
If it's not clear, he fell asleep last night. I shouldn't be surprised, because I expected him to, but I just hoped maybe he'd keep his word this time.
Lately I am feeling like a terrible wife, and an even worse mother. I am constantly irritated with J, and most other people I come into contact with. I often think I wasn't meant to be a mom. All my life, all I've wanted was to have children. I just knew I was supposed to be a mother. Now that my baby is here, all I find myself thinking is he deserves better. Someone who doesn't feel like jumping off a cliff when he starts crying (more like won't stop). Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for all that I have. I am extremely lucky to have my family, and my baby boy is an absolute blessing. I just am overwhelmed, and I'm honestly a little afraid it might be more, might be ppd. I don't know.
What I do know is that I am worn. In a world where nothing goes as planned anymore, I need one thing that is predictable. I need to know that when I'm falling apart (NOW!!), that he will be there to smack some sense into me, and right now, Im not feeling the stability I usually do. What I am feeling is insecure, inadequate, insane.
If it's not clear, he fell asleep last night. I shouldn't be surprised, because I expected him to, but I just hoped maybe he'd keep his word this time.
Lately I am feeling like a terrible wife, and an even worse mother. I am constantly irritated with J, and most other people I come into contact with. I often think I wasn't meant to be a mom. All my life, all I've wanted was to have children. I just knew I was supposed to be a mother. Now that my baby is here, all I find myself thinking is he deserves better. Someone who doesn't feel like jumping off a cliff when he starts crying (more like won't stop). Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for all that I have. I am extremely lucky to have my family, and my baby boy is an absolute blessing. I just am overwhelmed, and I'm honestly a little afraid it might be more, might be ppd. I don't know.
What I do know is that I am worn. In a world where nothing goes as planned anymore, I need one thing that is predictable. I need to know that when I'm falling apart (NOW!!), that he will be there to smack some sense into me, and right now, Im not feeling the stability I usually do. What I am feeling is insecure, inadequate, insane.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
testing, testing...is this thing on?
Alright, you might think I'm crazy. I have been pretty careless all day. I don't mean careless about the important things, like caring for the baby or doing the necessities. But when J talks to me, I let whatever I'm thinking fly. Things I normally wouldn't say have been slipping past my lips all day.
I have been warned, but I'm not sure what to think of that warning. Last weekend, he told me I had no idea what I was in for. Well, I didn't get anything, so when he dropped that line today, I couldn't help but make a comment.
"You have no idea what you're in for tonight,"
"probably nothing," I said nonchalantly. When he raised an eyebrow, I took another jab. "that's what you said last week and I didn't get anything."
Probably not the smartest idea, but hey, I've got a pretty good chance at getting away with it. Ive tested, he's warned...now only to see if he will pass the test and follow through.
I have been warned, but I'm not sure what to think of that warning. Last weekend, he told me I had no idea what I was in for. Well, I didn't get anything, so when he dropped that line today, I couldn't help but make a comment.
"You have no idea what you're in for tonight,"
"probably nothing," I said nonchalantly. When he raised an eyebrow, I took another jab. "that's what you said last week and I didn't get anything."
Probably not the smartest idea, but hey, I've got a pretty good chance at getting away with it. Ive tested, he's warned...now only to see if he will pass the test and follow through.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
to be touched
Of course, as most of you know, life gets hectic with kids, espeically your first, when you're so wound up and concentrated on always doing the right things perfectly. J and I have hardly had a moment to ourselves. We are always holding hands or sneaking a quick kiss or hug, but I underestimated how much I've missed him.
Last night, I wore some lacy panties to bed (and a nursing bra, but hey .. the lacy panties were something to marvel at compared to the unsexiness of the last five and a half weeks) and J absolutely loved it. He didn't notice at first because we both had covers on (we each have our own blanket since we're both blanket hogs lol) and so when he draped his arm over me, he wouldn't have been able to tell through the blankets. However, he dipped his hand below the blanket to rub my back, and discovered the lacy panties. His hands roamed my legs and butt and side, warm against my cooler skin. He always feels so warm when he touches me. It felt so wonderful, and I was getting worked up just feeling him touch me so slowly and gently. I pushed my bottom out from under the blankets. With his left hand, he grabbed a fistfull of my hair, and growled into my ear, "What are you doing, exposing yourself?" his right hand finding my backside and firmly swatting it.
He alternated between medium smacks and rubbing my legs and playing with my panties. I was absolute putty. Since I havent been cleared yet by my doctor, I knew this wasn't going to end where I wanted it to. *Sigh* Suddenly, he just started smacking my butt fast and hard. The first few stung but I was already feeling so good that these just felt wonderful. I was gasping and wincing, but loving every moment.
Finally, he stopped and just rubbed, massaging me while kissing my neck and shoulder. "I love you so much, baby." he whispered.
"I love you too," I murmured. I was so lost in the pure feeling of what we'd just shared. We havent had a moment like that since the baby was born, and I hadn't remembered how much I loved his touch.
2 more weeks until I go back to the doctor! I don't know if I can stand it .. if I hadnt had a c-section (and had the incision open on me from doing NOTHING,) I would have definitely given in and jumped his bones already. But, I'm too scared of opening my incision again or hurting myself in some way that I've really had to convince myself to wait for the dr to OK me.
Last night, I wore some lacy panties to bed (and a nursing bra, but hey .. the lacy panties were something to marvel at compared to the unsexiness of the last five and a half weeks) and J absolutely loved it. He didn't notice at first because we both had covers on (we each have our own blanket since we're both blanket hogs lol) and so when he draped his arm over me, he wouldn't have been able to tell through the blankets. However, he dipped his hand below the blanket to rub my back, and discovered the lacy panties. His hands roamed my legs and butt and side, warm against my cooler skin. He always feels so warm when he touches me. It felt so wonderful, and I was getting worked up just feeling him touch me so slowly and gently. I pushed my bottom out from under the blankets. With his left hand, he grabbed a fistfull of my hair, and growled into my ear, "What are you doing, exposing yourself?" his right hand finding my backside and firmly swatting it.
He alternated between medium smacks and rubbing my legs and playing with my panties. I was absolute putty. Since I havent been cleared yet by my doctor, I knew this wasn't going to end where I wanted it to. *Sigh* Suddenly, he just started smacking my butt fast and hard. The first few stung but I was already feeling so good that these just felt wonderful. I was gasping and wincing, but loving every moment.
Finally, he stopped and just rubbed, massaging me while kissing my neck and shoulder. "I love you so much, baby." he whispered.
"I love you too," I murmured. I was so lost in the pure feeling of what we'd just shared. We havent had a moment like that since the baby was born, and I hadn't remembered how much I loved his touch.
2 more weeks until I go back to the doctor! I don't know if I can stand it .. if I hadnt had a c-section (and had the incision open on me from doing NOTHING,) I would have definitely given in and jumped his bones already. But, I'm too scared of opening my incision again or hurting myself in some way that I've really had to convince myself to wait for the dr to OK me.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I really need to get more creative with my titles
Before the baby was born, J and I used to shower together. We did this most every day, and I cherished the intimate alone time together. Now that our little one is here, obviously this does not happen anymore. Friday night, however, when J got home from work, the baby was sleeping and I finally felt comfortable enough leaving the baby alone for 20 minutes while we showered. It was wonderful. Nothing scandalous happened, but it was great having a few minutes for ourselves. Before he left the bathroom, he asked me to take the trash out of there and put it in the big bag in the kitchen. I said that I would, but by the time I'd toweled off, dried my hair, and dressed, I completely forgot.
I was sitting on the couch after putting the baby in his swing, when J came out of the bathroom and caught my eye.
"Why is there still a full trash in the bathroom?" he wanted to know, sitting down beside me.
I immediately felt my face flush. Why does that always happen when he asks me things like this? "I forgot, I'm sorry..."
"You forgot?" he asked.
I nodded.
"That's okay, do you know why?" he asked, turning to look at me with a gleam in his eye.
Saturday. Maintenance! Eeep! "No," I whined, flopping down on the couch and resting my head in his lap.
"No, you don't know why?" he pushed.
I don't want a harder spanking, I whined to myself. I shook my head, not daring to speak a word. I didn't want to hear them aloud.
He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Because I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too!" I cooed, kissing him back. Then, I jumped up and high-tailed it to the bathroom to change the trash bag. Crisis averted.
Later on that night, we lay together in our bed. The light was still on, and J asked me to get up and turn it off. I pouted and told him that I thought he should do it. We were laying close, and he reached his arm around me, and slid it down the back of my pants.
"Go turn it off," he murmured.
"Noo," I whined. "You do it, you're closer!"
Suddenly, he started pinching me all over my bottom. Small, stinging pinches covered my sensitive skin.
"Hey! No pinching,"
"That's your punishment for telling me no," he grinned evilly.
I was a little taken aback by this, as we have never talked about using other forms of punishment, and I certainly hadn't expected him to come out with something like that. I tried to hold out as long as I could, determined not to give in and turn the light off. After about a minute, though, I wriggled free and jumped up to turn the light off. By the time I got back in bed, J was practically passed out. Ugh.
Sunday, J didn't apologize for falling asleep, but told me that I was in for a big spanking Sunday night. Momentarily, a sassy comment spun through my mind but I decided not to push my luck.
As it turned out, J fell asleep on the couch before we'd even gone to bed. Disappointing as it was, I couldn't hold him at fault since he'd had such a busy FIRST FATHER'S DAY! He is such a wonderful father, as I always imagined he'd be. Our son is such a lucky boy to have a father that is so dedicated to his family.
Even though I understood his fatigue, I still felt neglected. I'd been really needing my maintenance spanking, and now it'd been two days in a row it had been pushed off. I planned on telling J that I just didn't even want it anymore because I was sick of waiting for it, and it never coming. But when J told me he hadn't forgotten and that he'd just been tired, I had nothing to say. My mouth clamped shut and I couldn't open it for the life of me. I withdrew into myself, becoming upset, feeling like I wasn't important. That's two nights in a ROW he was too tired for me, I thought.
He came and snuggled next to me, whispering in my ear. "Are you okay?"
"Yup." I replied.
"What's the matter?"
I shook my head, signalling I didn't want to talk about it.
"Do you want to go in the room for a spanking?" his voice was velvety, so tempting ...
"NO!" I pouted. Duh, yes you do! I was really kicking myself for that, but oh well, nothing I could do now!
He tried and tried some more to figure out why I was so down. "Stressed?" I nodded yes. "Sad?" I nodded yes again. He sat beside me for a while, holding me, until finally he said, "Okay, get up and go into the room."
I wanted to argue, but I knew that I really did need the spanking. The only reason I'd said no before was because he was supposed to give me one anyway, and once you ask me if I want one, it changes the whole feeling for me. I didn't want to have one because I wanted one, I wanted one because I needed one, and that is hard for me to admit sometimes. I followed him into the bedroom and sat on the bed.
He laid down on his side of the bed, and murmured, "Come here, I want to hold you."
I rolled over to him and he held me tight in his arms.
"I love you so much," he told me. After holding me for a bit and kissing my head, he reached behind him and grabbed the dogging bat. With me still in his arms, he swatted my bottom a few times before letting me roll over onto my tummy so he could have free range. He peppered my bottom with the bat. It stung, so he must have been using it pretty hard since it's usually an implement that feels good. Before I knew it, though, he'd picked up the black strap and started using that just as liberally on my behind. YEOWTCH! He went for about a minute before pausing and saying, "Okay, you're going to get 100," and starting right in. 100 swats on both sides.
I wiggled, and cried out, but did not cry.
He set the strap down and pulled me into his arms. "I love you," he whispered. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, but felt disconnected.
"Do you need more?" he asked.
I nodded again, embarassed.
"Okay, roll over."
Back to my tummy I went. The strap fell again and again, and he announced I'd be getting another 100 on each. I tolerated that pretty well, though my bottom was on FIRE. Then, I felt him pull my pants down, and the cool air blew across my naked, hot skin. Goosebumps rose over my body.
He hand spanked me for a bit, which surprisingly, hurt more than the strap today. After a minute or so of hand spanking, he decided another 50 on each with the strap was in order, and boy, did he deliver.
I really hate being strapped on my bare butt. I really hate it. Still, no tears. But my backside was blazing and after a couple more hand swats, J started massaging my bottom and kissing the side of my head. I felt so loved and taken care of once it was finished.
I can't say enough how lucky I am to have J. He is really stepping up. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in his position. We are both going through a huge transition and on top of that, he has to figure out how to help me stay above water. He is an amazing, wonderful man, husband and father. It melts my heart to see him holding our tiny (hahahaha well, tiny in J's arms) baby and whispering and talking to him. I'm so grateful to have a man who is so dedicated and outwardly loving of his family.
Baby update!! the "little" prince is now 12 lbs 4 oz and 23.5 in at five weeks! He's growing like a weed :)
I was sitting on the couch after putting the baby in his swing, when J came out of the bathroom and caught my eye.
"Why is there still a full trash in the bathroom?" he wanted to know, sitting down beside me.
I immediately felt my face flush. Why does that always happen when he asks me things like this? "I forgot, I'm sorry..."
"You forgot?" he asked.
I nodded.
"That's okay, do you know why?" he asked, turning to look at me with a gleam in his eye.
Saturday. Maintenance! Eeep! "No," I whined, flopping down on the couch and resting my head in his lap.
"No, you don't know why?" he pushed.
I don't want a harder spanking, I whined to myself. I shook my head, not daring to speak a word. I didn't want to hear them aloud.
He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Because I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too!" I cooed, kissing him back. Then, I jumped up and high-tailed it to the bathroom to change the trash bag. Crisis averted.
Later on that night, we lay together in our bed. The light was still on, and J asked me to get up and turn it off. I pouted and told him that I thought he should do it. We were laying close, and he reached his arm around me, and slid it down the back of my pants.
"Go turn it off," he murmured.
"Noo," I whined. "You do it, you're closer!"
Suddenly, he started pinching me all over my bottom. Small, stinging pinches covered my sensitive skin.
"Hey! No pinching,"
"That's your punishment for telling me no," he grinned evilly.
I was a little taken aback by this, as we have never talked about using other forms of punishment, and I certainly hadn't expected him to come out with something like that. I tried to hold out as long as I could, determined not to give in and turn the light off. After about a minute, though, I wriggled free and jumped up to turn the light off. By the time I got back in bed, J was practically passed out. Ugh.
Sunday, J didn't apologize for falling asleep, but told me that I was in for a big spanking Sunday night. Momentarily, a sassy comment spun through my mind but I decided not to push my luck.
As it turned out, J fell asleep on the couch before we'd even gone to bed. Disappointing as it was, I couldn't hold him at fault since he'd had such a busy FIRST FATHER'S DAY! He is such a wonderful father, as I always imagined he'd be. Our son is such a lucky boy to have a father that is so dedicated to his family.
Even though I understood his fatigue, I still felt neglected. I'd been really needing my maintenance spanking, and now it'd been two days in a row it had been pushed off. I planned on telling J that I just didn't even want it anymore because I was sick of waiting for it, and it never coming. But when J told me he hadn't forgotten and that he'd just been tired, I had nothing to say. My mouth clamped shut and I couldn't open it for the life of me. I withdrew into myself, becoming upset, feeling like I wasn't important. That's two nights in a ROW he was too tired for me, I thought.
He came and snuggled next to me, whispering in my ear. "Are you okay?"
"Yup." I replied.
"What's the matter?"
I shook my head, signalling I didn't want to talk about it.
"Do you want to go in the room for a spanking?" his voice was velvety, so tempting ...
"NO!" I pouted. Duh, yes you do! I was really kicking myself for that, but oh well, nothing I could do now!
He tried and tried some more to figure out why I was so down. "Stressed?" I nodded yes. "Sad?" I nodded yes again. He sat beside me for a while, holding me, until finally he said, "Okay, get up and go into the room."
I wanted to argue, but I knew that I really did need the spanking. The only reason I'd said no before was because he was supposed to give me one anyway, and once you ask me if I want one, it changes the whole feeling for me. I didn't want to have one because I wanted one, I wanted one because I needed one, and that is hard for me to admit sometimes. I followed him into the bedroom and sat on the bed.
He laid down on his side of the bed, and murmured, "Come here, I want to hold you."
I rolled over to him and he held me tight in his arms.
"I love you so much," he told me. After holding me for a bit and kissing my head, he reached behind him and grabbed the dogging bat. With me still in his arms, he swatted my bottom a few times before letting me roll over onto my tummy so he could have free range. He peppered my bottom with the bat. It stung, so he must have been using it pretty hard since it's usually an implement that feels good. Before I knew it, though, he'd picked up the black strap and started using that just as liberally on my behind. YEOWTCH! He went for about a minute before pausing and saying, "Okay, you're going to get 100," and starting right in. 100 swats on both sides.
I wiggled, and cried out, but did not cry.
He set the strap down and pulled me into his arms. "I love you," he whispered. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, but felt disconnected.
"Do you need more?" he asked.
I nodded again, embarassed.
"Okay, roll over."
Back to my tummy I went. The strap fell again and again, and he announced I'd be getting another 100 on each. I tolerated that pretty well, though my bottom was on FIRE. Then, I felt him pull my pants down, and the cool air blew across my naked, hot skin. Goosebumps rose over my body.
He hand spanked me for a bit, which surprisingly, hurt more than the strap today. After a minute or so of hand spanking, he decided another 50 on each with the strap was in order, and boy, did he deliver.
I really hate being strapped on my bare butt. I really hate it. Still, no tears. But my backside was blazing and after a couple more hand swats, J started massaging my bottom and kissing the side of my head. I felt so loved and taken care of once it was finished.
I can't say enough how lucky I am to have J. He is really stepping up. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in his position. We are both going through a huge transition and on top of that, he has to figure out how to help me stay above water. He is an amazing, wonderful man, husband and father. It melts my heart to see him holding our tiny (hahahaha well, tiny in J's arms) baby and whispering and talking to him. I'm so grateful to have a man who is so dedicated and outwardly loving of his family.
Baby update!! the "little" prince is now 12 lbs 4 oz and 23.5 in at five weeks! He's growing like a weed :)
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