struggling.

   I feel terrible being the person that says, "I wish my husband would do this, or I wish he would give me more of that." I know that I am incredibly lucky that my husband has taken this journey with me in the first place, especially given his original reluctance. I should be appreciative and accepting of all my husband is willing to do. (And believe me, I AM.) That being said, sometimes, I just feel like it's not enough. I feel selfish saying so because he works so hard and does everything he can to make me happy and yet sometimes, I look for more. Why is that?
   I dont like asking to be spanked. I dont know why, but it takes away some of the importance of the spanking. I'm not able to completely surrender when I'm asking for it, for some reason. Which then makes me confused because if I ask for it, why should I be resisting the same thing I just clearly stated I wanted. I just wish that he could "sense" when I need to be spanked. I know that there are warning signs, little changes in my behavior, that to me, are LOUDLY announcing, "I NEED A SPANKING!" However, I feel that he perceives these things as me being upset, or mad about something, which sometimes is the case, but usually the underlying issue is that I need to be spanked and cant voice it, which translates into frustration.

   It has been particularly hard for me lately. My body has been going through a lot of changes (obviously, growing a kid inside you does that!) and as excited as I am for this baby, and as much as I love him already, they have been difficult for me to accept. I have already gained 23 or so lbs, and am only 22 weeks. My doctor suggested originally that I gain 25-30 lbs total, and I know there's no way in HELL I am going to be able to keep to that weight goal with 18 more weeks to go. Disappointing. I have been feeling less attractive, even though J tells me all the time how beautiful I am and that he loves my belly and that he finds it sexy. I just don't see myself as beautiful right now. I look in the mirror and think: FAT COW. How selfish of me. I know that it is necessary for me to gain weight in order for the baby to grow properly and remain healthy but I am concerned about losing the weight once he is born. On top of this, my fingers are sausages and I have had to remove all of my rings. I was upset enough about taking my wedding rings off, but I also had to remove the ring from my mom. When she was growing up, my grandmother gave each of her chidlren a ring on their 16th birthday, and my mom wanted to carry this tradition on with her own children. I received mine on my 16th birthday, and my mother passed away only 2 months after this. (She also purchased rings for my sisters and brother for my dad to give them when they turned 16 when she was given the news that she wouldnt be around to do so herself.) I havent taken the ring off since the day it was given to me, so doing so was very emotional and a struggle for me. I feel like a piece of me is missing without it on, and everytime I look down at my hand, it makes me a little sad not seeing it there.

   Finally last night I decided I couldn't wait any longer for him to decide to spank me on his own, and I texted him, telling him I really needed a spanking. He promised me that he would give me one and that it would be a good one. He sure delivered. After he got home and showered, we went to the bedroom and he got the black strap from the drawer. He spanked me slowly and pretty gently at first and built up the intensity. By the end, he was spanking me pretty hard and I was bouncing all around trying to avoid the burning leather. For some reason, though, it never has the same effect when I have to ask for it. Afterwards, I dont feel the same sense of relief that I do when he just does it. I am grateful that he tries his best, and I love him tremendously for that. I guess that is all I can really ask for.

OH, snow!

           I hope everyone had a great holiday! Christmas was awesome for us, we got a few things for the baby (a red sox hat, booties, and onesie that I ADORE) that we absolutely love! We had a less than pleasant hour or so with our sister in law from hell but we expected that to be terrible so all things considered, it went well.
             The holidays are a very stressful (and sad) time for me, since my mom passed away when I was 16. Even though it's almost been 6 years, it doesnt get any easier around the holidays. This year was one of the hardest times because it is sinking in that my child will not know my mom as his gramma like he will know my hubbys mother. It's very emotional bringing a child into the world anyway but knowing that my mom missed out on my wedding, meeting her first son-in-law, enjoying her first grandchild, its very sad. I don't do well with the "sad" feeling. I internalize it and it turns to anger and frustration and I end up upset over the silliest things.
               J is very good at recognizing when this is happening, and understands that I have a harder time processing my emotions.
              

              Nothing out of the ordinary happened yesterday. We spent the day together, and I teased, and prodded him a little, hoping to elicit the response I so desperately needed. I pushed a little, and he looked at me, smiling.
              "You're cruisin, girl."
               I raised an eyebrow. "Oh yea?"
               He just nodded, and the conversation dropped for a few hours. A little before we were going to be going to bed, he looked at me and announced, "You're going to get 75 with the black strap."
              Gah. That's not what I wanted! When he says 75, he doesnt mean total, he means on each cheek. My heart started beating faster and my lower lip pushed out.
              He grinned, satisfied that he'd gotten my attention.
              I pouted some, and pleaded that he not use the belt. I thought he'd gotten past me begging to be let off. Sometimes I just need to be able to fight the punsihment, for it to make an impactl. I need the power struggle, need to be overridden and for him to take control, whether I'm jumping for joy about being spanked or I'm stomping my foot and demanding he not touch me. I learned that he was not completely indifferent to this.
             He looked at me, and his eyes betrayed the fact that he was struggling with holding his ground. "Why are you trying to guilt me out of this now?"
             I knew that I could probably push a little further and get him to lessen my sentence, but I didn't. Instead I hung my head and admitted, "I'm nervous,"
             He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I have to, though. I have to."

             We cuddled for a long time when we got into bed. He held me in his big, strong arms and I felt at peace, comfortable in his embrace.
              "I'm sorry," I whispered.
               He asked me what I was sorry for, and I replied that I was sorry for whatever I was being spanked for. "Don't be sorry," he said, stroking my hair.
              "Isn't that the point?" I asked.
               He sighed. "But I havent even spanked you yet. Aren't I supposed to make you sorry?"
               I didn't know how to respond to this. I just shrugged, and huddled closer to him. I felt him kiss the back of my head, and then he loosened his grip on me.
                He ordered me to go get it, and being the obedient girl that I am, I got strap and presented it to him.
                I laid over my maternity pillow and grasped underneath it. I knew this wasn't going to be fun, or easy, but I also knew that he was doing what he was supposed to do, and that deep down, I did need this.
                He started the first 75 on my right cheek and I didn't think that I could bear it.
                My butt was burning and I couldn't help but sway from side to side in an attempt to get away from the sting. I buried my face in my pillow and bit down. Finally, the first 75 were over. I was breathing hard, my heart beating out of my chest. The next 75 were harder to take, and felt much more intense for some reason, though he told me after it was just the same on both sides. Once he'd finished, I started to cry, and he held me while I did.
                He stroked my hair. "I love you baby, are you okay?" he asked, hugging me to his chest while the sobs shook my body.
                I nodded. "I love you too sir."
               "Do you feel better now?" he wondered.
                "Yes sir."
                "See?" he said, kissing the side of my head. "I told you I had to."

                We got hit with a snow storm last night through this morning, and J got up early to go out and shovel the driveway, walk ways, etc.
                I didn't see him for most of the morning, so when he came in, I went to the basement where he was shedding his wet snow gear so I could give him a kiss.
               As soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs he said, "Babe, why is your car out of gas?"
               I paused. "I thought there was like .. a quarter tank? I havent driven it in days, I didn't even think of it."
               "I had it running for 15, maybe 20 min in the driveway to defrost and your gas light came on. It's not good to be so low on gas in the cold weather, especially a snow storm. I've told you that a million times!" he reminded me.
                I nodded. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't think of it."
                "Well you shouldn't let it get that low in the first place without going to get gas that day. You're going to get a reminder spanking for this later," he announced.


Great. My butt's sore from last night still and now I'm in for another spanking. It's gonna be a long week, I think.
                

trouble brewing?

gaaahhh.

That pretty much sums up how I feel today. I really don't even know why, because it was a GREAT day! We had our big ultrasound today and they told us that our baby boy looks perfect and everything is growing just the way it should be. We got to take home some really cute picutres, and he even gave us thumbs up in one! Then, when we got home,  the CRIB ARRIVED! EEEEEK! I was so excited!!

But now, that J is at work I'm starting to feel down again. He asked me to remove the empty cups (and beer cans on his side of the bed), and I promised him I would. The only problem is, I am now overcome with an undeniable urge to "forget" to actually do so. I know he would notice, but I am not sure he would do anything about it? I know that I am craving the kind of spanking that cleanses your soul. The kind that makes you bare all (pun intended) and just let it all go. I believe that I'm so tempted to "forget" his task to get him to give me this spanking. Unfortunately, not sure he will. WHAT DO I DO? I want to please him, I love him dearly. Why do I doubt him so much?

I am not good at keeping still during a spanking, and last night was no exception. I was getting close to the point where the flood gates were going to open, but I was moving around too much and J stopped because he was concerned I was going to hurt the baby. I know he's got the best of intentions but it left me feeling empty and sad. Of course I don't want to do anything to hurt the baby either, he is the most important thing in the world to me, but I cant help my feelings I guess.

Tolerance

I have been reading some of my older posts, and realizing how intense my spankings used to be before I got pregnant. It never dawned on me how much it took to get me to my breaking point. Most of those posts occurred in the earliest stages of our domestic discipline relationship, and I'm considering that one of the reasons it took so much for me to reach tears because J was the first man to ever spank me, and I was reluctant to let my guard down. I guess I didn't really truly and completely submit to my spankings / emotions during a spanking? Not sure if any of this makes sense. Of course, I attribute most of my lack of tolerance now to the hormones from the pregnancy making me more sensitive, but it's much easier for me to cry from a spanking/punishment than ever before. Just a bit of thinking I've been doing.

So turns out the new puppy brought kennel cough with her, and gave it to my doggy. The cold air only aggravated it more, making her sound like she was choking. She has to be on antibiotics for ten days, but she's just fine. Whew!

all over the place

There is a lot going on. Our roommate bought a puppy last saturday, but is not being much of a responsible owner. He hasnt been home one night since he got the cute little bugger, leaving me and J to take care of it (so mostly me, since J works 3-11). J and I have our own dog, who is a bundle of energy and still a bit jealous of the new pup. It does not make for much fun watching both when I am alone, especially since I am completely drained of energy by 5-6 at night. Being pregnant sure is an energy suck lol. ANYWAY, so tonight has been especially overwhelming, because I feel terrible, and I think my dog is sick! :( Everytime she sniffs at something, it sounds like she is coughing/choking on something. I am terrified of whats going to happen tomorrow when we call the vet. I'm stressed that it's going to be something very expensive to treat/fix, or even worse, that she might die. Ok, so my hormones might be making me think a bit drastically, but I literally was in tears today because I am so scared of whatever is wrong with her :(

Sorry. Just needed to vent a little.

All is well in the spanking world, for us, however. I got my good girl spanking the other night (NO STRAP! thank goodness, because that thing is the devil) and another play spanking last night. J seems to be more in the mood for spanking than I am lately! (which I'm kind of loving because I used to have to talk him into it!)

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for my poor doggie! <3

good girl spanking ... or not?

Yesterday was the "anniversary" of J and I when we first started dating. I had almost fogotten, but when I remembered, I texted J to remind him. He worked overtime yesterday, so he wasn't home for most of the day. He told me through text that I'd be receiving a celebratory spanking. However, when he got home, he was tired and feeling sick. I told him I could wait until today for my spanking, because I knew he'd worked hard all day and  he deserved a rest. While we were laying in bed, I was bratting a little and just giving small doses of sass and being playful. Part of our conversation strayed to the mess our bedroom was becoming again. He said, "You're lucky I dont spank you for all the clutter." To which I replied, "Yeah, yeah.."\
     He told me that I was "adding lashings," and that he'd be choosing the "weapon" with which I'd be spanked today.
      Most of our spankings occur at night because we have a roommate who is home during the day so the only real alone time we get is at bed time. Our roommate bought a puppy over the weekend, and since he went to the football game tonight, I have been busting my butt between taking her outside to pee/poop, cleaning up her accidents, and keeping her out of trouble. I alslo did the dishes and a load of laundry. J texted me to see how things were going and I informed him of all the stuff I'd done tonight while he was working, and he replied telling me that he sees a good girl spanking in my future! I asked if that meant my kinda sassy spanking was cancelled out, and he called me to tell me that he'd be using the strap, but he'd go "easy" on me. There is nothing about that strap that says GOOD GIRL SPANKING to me. I'm beginning to wonder what tonight holds for me. Cross your fingers for me!

Birthday Spanks

       Friday was hubby's 30th birthday. He works second shift which made it  impossible for us to celebrate with our families on his birthday, so we planned a nice dinner at our home for my famliy and his family to get together and celebrate.
       When he got home from work on Friday night, I whispered to him that he was going to get a bday spanking, and started giggling. He just shook his head and told me no.
        The birthday dinner was a success, and most of the food got eaten. It's always nice getting our families together, especially since soon they will be seeing a lot of each other, when the baby comes. A good time was had by all and the birthday boy certainly enjoyed himself.
         After everyone had gone, we sat on the couch together and when our roommate went to the bathroom, I looked at my husband with a mischeivous glimmer in my eye. "Know what I'm gonna use for your birthday spanking?"
        He grinned back. "What?"
         "The black strap!" I gave him a smug look and turned away to stifle my giggle. I hate that evil strap.
         He started laughing. "Ohh, no." he shook his head.
         "Yup!"
          We didn't go to bed for another hour or so, and I wasn't even sure if he was going to let me go through with it. When we did go to bed, he laid down on his stomach and was stretching, so I jumped on the opportunity. I opened the punishment drawer and pulled the strap out and came and sat beside him.
          "Are we doing a straight 30 or should I do 30 on each cheek?" I asked, teasing him.
           "No, no. You're not doing 30 on each..." he said.
           I started tapping the strap on his left cheek. I didn't bother pulling his shorts down or anything even though he always spanks me bare. I thought he'd feel it enough through his basketball shorts. I gave him the first 10 and then rubbed his cheeks. "Does it hurt?" I asked.
            He wouldn't respond.
            "Honey, I'm trying to go gentle so tell me if it hurts!" I insisted.
            Still, he said nothing.
             "Okay," I said, and raised the strap again. I gave him another 10, a little harder this time, then paused to rub his bum again. "That's 20, does it hurt yet?" I heard nothing but silence so I gave him the final 10. "There. That's 30...."
             "That wasn't 30," he bragged. "I barely felt that."
              I started laughing, and gave him another 20 or so moderate smacks with the strap, then reached over to the dresser and grabbed the brush. I tugged his shorts down and tapped it on his boxer briefs.
              "What is that? NO." he argued.
               I started giving him smacks with it, increasing intensity as I went. I could see him wincing. "Done yet?" I asked.
                "I cant give up. You know that," he told me.
                 Ha. Men and their pride. I gave him 10 more and put the brush back on the dresser and sat back down beside him.
                 "Rub it! It hurts," he whined.
                  I massaged his bum for him and smiled to myself because I am usually the one to ask him to rub my bum. LOL.
                  He got up, and asked, "Baby can you do me a favor?"
                  "Sure," I replied.
                  "Can you go get me a beer? And, on your way back, get me the brush." he had an evil grin on his face.
                  "What! It's not my birthday yet," I complained.
                    He announced he was giving me thirty swats for his birthday.
                    I got up and got him the beer, and handed him the hairbrush with it when I came back into the room. I laid down on top of my body pillow to alleviate the pressure on my belly. "I better get to keep my yoga pants up since you kept your shorts on,"
                   He graciously kept them up, but certainly didn't go as lightly as I did.
                    I yelped and bucked and at about 11 I rolled off the pillow, clutching my butt. "No, I cant .. it hurts too much!"
                   "Get back over. Ill give you 15 and 15 and then give you a break between your next thirty." he promised.
                   So, I rolled back over and got back on the pillow.
                   "But since you moved, you're getting those 11 again."
                   I gritted my teeth and somehow made it through the first thirty. I buried my face in the blanket in front of me, trying to supress the tears that already threatened to break. When he announced the next thirty were coming I tried to hold my breath but after about 5 or 6 I was crying out again that I couldn't do it, the tears started rolling down my cheeks and I flipped off the pillow.
                 "Get back over, Heather." he demanded firmly.
                   I buried my face in my pillow and the tears took over and he noticed I was crying.
                   "Honey, come here. Are you okay? I didn't mean to make you cry ... so early." He joked. "I was just playing. I'm sorry babe, I thought you were giving me crap like you always do." he wiped my tears and stroked my hair. " I love you so much," he whispered.
                    "I love you too honey, and it's okay." I murmured. "I'm just sensitive these days,"
                     He kissed my forhead. "I love you,"