I got my maintenance spanking last night. It hurt, but I didn't get to the level that I needed to be at. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. I still do. I feel like my walls are slowly coming back up and I don't know how to get through them and each time we try to break them down through spanking and don't succeed, the stronger they get.
After J declared that the spanking was over, my insides closed up. He could sense something was not right, and asked me if I was okay. I told him that yes, I was okay. I didn't know how to explain that I needed more. I didn't want to ask for more, he gives me so much already. I was torn between what I so desperately needed and my desire to just be content with what I'd been given. He even asked, "Did I not spank you long enough?" he sounded defeated, like he'd failed. I didn't want him to feel like he'd failed, because that's not how I viewed it. I just needed more, and I felt selfish for it. I still need it, and I don't know how to ask without seeming or feeling selfish.
AAAAHHHH! I just want to scream.
communicate...communicate....communicate....
ReplyDeleteit's so hard though! Does he read your blog?
Judy, he doesn't read my blog. Sometimes I wish he did, and others I'm thankful for a private sounding board. I know I need to communicate my needs to him, I just can't figure out how.
ReplyDeleteA friend gave me a spanking once and I felt something and wanted her to continue. Rather than seeming shocked, she calmly said in a sauntry voice - "FINE! Then I'll spank you until you can't take it anymore." I felt very aroused.
ReplyDeleteShe started slow, continued and by the time she finished, she had broken thru my threshhold for pain and it felt SO good! The irony is that we agreed that as long as there was no lasting harm all would be okay. I am in shape, so my sore tush returned to normal fairly easy. Give it time and I'm sure you will get what you want.
To quote a Stones classic - "You can't always get what you want / But if you try, some times you just might find / You get what you need."
Heather, why not include the element of emotion to your spanking. I personally do not think that pain alone can bring you to the breakthrough that you need!! Ask him to talk softly to you and to tell you how much he loves and cares for you and that he would do anything for you because you are so special to him. Add soul-stirring music.
ReplyDeleteSince he is your partner and is concerned about you, do NOT be afraid to ask him to meet your needs--that's what a loving, committed partner does for the other person!!
I'm not an expert, but I hope that helps!!
Bob
Heather,
ReplyDeleteEveryone is exactly right - communicate. Now if you find out how to do that consistently please tell me how! I have the same problem you do. Sometimes i need more but one of my biggest fears is to end up on his 'to do list'. That's not what I want.
The closet I come is emailing. I do so much better than I'll ever be able to do face to face. Thank him for doing as much as he's doing and tell him that as much as it helped you may need a little more when he's willing. You're not putting pressure on but letting him know what you need.
Hugs,
PK
Oh Heather, I'm sorry, but I totally understand. Scream.. it sometimes helps..just don't scream at J. Its hard to communicate these crazy feelings.. but he is counting on you to tell him what you need. When he asks you if you need more say yes, I was hoping for more. I know it is sometimes easier to write a note, explaining what it is you want. I one time wrote out what I thought the perfect spanking was and gave it to C.. and later that night he brought the note up with him into the bedroom and gave me exactly what I had written down! I was shocked.. but intensely pleased that he was listening to me.. Eventually he will be able to read you like a book.. but even then he will depend on you to tell him what you need. Men aren't mind readers...and I know J wants to meet your needs he loves you.. but he can't do that if he doens't know what exactly your needs are? Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteHang in there!