Baby Girl

    I dont know what it is, but those words, really get me going! I absolutely love when J calls me baby girl. Especially when he's praising me, such as "Good job baby girl," or "You look great baby girl." MMMM gives me shivers!

    Anyway, not much to report on the spanking front. Other than a short hand spanking last night, we havent had any spankings in some time.

    I've been trying to get things done around the house but it's difficult. I did, however, finish packing my hospital bag and the diaper bag for Silas. I have been trying every at-home-induction method I've ever heard of since finding out the chunker was 7 lbs 11 oz as of last week (and thats just estimated, we were told he very well could be BIGGER!). The ultrasound to determine his size and position was pretty awesome though, as we got to watch him practice breathing, and were informed that he has hair! Anyway, so far none of the at home methods have worked, obviously. Apparently he's just not ready to greet the world yet! Hopefully, very soon!


Have a great weekend, everyone! Another chapter is up at spanko stories :)

Dry Spell

    There have been no spankings in my house since SUNDAY! There has been no mention of spankings whatsoever. He has not told me that I wouldn't be getting daily spankings, and he hasn't mentioned anything about maintenance today. While I am wondering what's going on in his mind, I'm actually okay with all of this. I have come to a better understanding that it is up to him, and if he doesnt feel the need to discuss it, that's fine. I'm getting better at not expecting a spanking, so I don't experience the let down when it doesn't happen. I'm letting go, and letting him decide. YAY ME!
    Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that J's grandmother passed. She passed long before we got together, therefore I never had the pleasure of meeting here. They were extremely close, and J's mom thinks that our little boy might be making an appearance tomorrow, as there have been a lot of births in their family that fall on the day another family member has passed. I think that would be really sweet.

    I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Happy Easter everyone :)

Progress ...

    First, and most exciting, J is working days this week :) I love when he works first shift! AND, he had a holiday Monday, has the day off tomorrow for an ultrasound, and has a holiday Friday. So he only has to work two days, and the other three are still paid! Woo hoo! Gotta love a week like this.
    That being said, last night was kind of a rough one. I did not get my daily spanking yesterday. I thought he'd give it to me first thing when we woke up, but it didn't happen. Then, I started thinking that maybe he was waiting unil later when we'd have the house to ourselves, since he wasn't working, what was the rush? Nothing all day, either. Not even a hint. We went to dinner, came home, still nothing. By the time bedtime rolled around, I'd pretty much figured he'd forgotten. Despite the fact that my butt was still tender from Sunday night's spanking and I really didn't want one, I was still hurt. I started to feel like the spankings, and I, just didn't matter to him. I felt rejected. He usually admits to me when he almost forgets, and then ALWAYS says that he doesnt forget often, which is true. He really hardly ever forgets when there's supposed to be one. Anyway, while we were laying in bed watching tv, I worked up the courage to say,
   "You forgot today, you know."
    "Forgot what?" and before I could say anything else he continued, "Your spanking? I didn't forget. I'm skipping today because you got bruised last night. You'll have one tomorrow. I don't want your butt to be purple when you finally go into labor..."
    I rolled over, completely unconvinced. I wanted to say a million things but I felt my emotions take over and my eyes were filling with tears. "I think you forgot," I said.
    "No I didn't!" he insisted.
    "You're mad I didnt spank you?" he asked.
    "I'm not mad," my famous line. "You didn't say anything about it,"
    "Why do I have to? I thought it was my choice," he argued.
    There was so much stuff rolling around in my head that I wanted to say but I knew if I did I would just burst into tears, and I didn't think I could handle that right then. So I took a few minutes, sucked it up, and rolled back over to face him. He asked if I was okay, I assured him I was, and we turned the tv off and put music on to fall asleep to. In the dark, it was much easier for me to find the courage to say, "How do you feel about doing maintenance maybe earlier in the day on Saturday, instead of at night?"
    "Why?" he wanted to know.
    "Because it always gets put off," I said quietly.
    "No it doesnt," he countered.
    "Pretty frequently," I amended, waiting for an answer.
    "You don't like skipping a day, huh?" he asked.
    "No, sir."
    "Okay," he agreed. He then joked around a little bit, saying he'd have to stay up real late on Friday night so he could spank me Saturday morning between 2 and 4 AM. I'm almost positive he was kidding about that, but I felt good about letting him know I didn't like skipping maintenance.

    Today while he worked, I wrote him a letter, expressing all the things I'd been thinking the night before. My brain is kinda all over the place lately so I touched on a lot of things. I explained to him that I definitely was not mad that the daily spanking was skipped on monday, that I actually would have welcomed the break if he'd told me we were skipping it. That because he didn't say anything, I thought he forgot, which led me to feel rejected and uncared about. I told him that spankings were very intimate to me and that I looked forward to those times together, so when I think all day that it's going to happen and then it doesnt, I feel hurt. I talked about a lot of other things that I'd sort of bottled up, and it felt wonderful to let it all out. I think I'm making progress! :D


AAAAAAAANNNNNDDDD ... I got another chapter up at stories by a spanko
go read & leave me some comments, pretty please :p

pretend theres a title. I'm too lazy to think of one.

    Maintenance got post-poned. Again. This was the third week in a row! By the time J told me that it was going to occur Sunday instead of Saturday, I'd already figured it out on my own. He had a bad headache, and we'd just finished watching a movie around 1:30 AM. I wasn't tired, and just lay in bed while J snored beside me. Around 3 AM, I couldn't find anything else on tv that I even remotely wanted to watch, so I got up and went to the living room and sat on my laptop for a little bit, working on some writing. By 4, my eyes were stinging from staring at the bright screen in the dark so I decided to go to bed. I climbed into bed next to J, who immediately started snoring loudly. sigh. I played some music on my iPhone and set the timer to turn the music off in an hour. I fell asleep some time before the music turned off.
    By Sunday afternoon I was feeling hectic. I hadn't been spanked saturday at ALL (since it's maintenance day, J doesn't give me my daily in the morning) and he skipped the daily sunday morning since maintenance had been post poned, and maintenance always happens right before bed. When it was finally time for my spanking, I was actually kind of looking forward to it. Until he took the five fingered strap out. Greeeaaaat. It's better than the loopy, but not much. He spanked away with it, warming me up before he started with the numbered sets. I got 50 on each for the first set, then he let me rest for a minute, and he finished with 75 on each. The tips of each finger wrapped around the curves of my booty, and my sit spot was getting a lot of attention. One time, it wrapped in and stung the very inside curve of my bottom, very close to dangerous territory. I have a lovely bruise there today. I ended up crying at the end.
    I am going to talk to him about revising our maintenance ritual. Either I need to have my daily spanking in the morning, and then maintenance later on, that way if it gets put off, I won't have gone the whole time with no spanking..OR have the maintenance spanking take place earlier in the day. I don't really think I'd like having two spankings a day when maintenance ends up actually taking place on Saturdays, so I'm hoping he goes for moving it up to an earlier time in the day. I guess we'll see.

Spanking and Tears

    I know I already touched on the subject of tears a couple months ago, but .. here I am again. I talked about how it used to be difficult for me to cry during a spanking, that it's easier now. This is not true. Now, before you get offended that I lied to you all, I thought that it was true. It seemed at the time I wrote the entry that it was true. However, I've noticed a pattern. I'll go a few weeks where I'm completely open, emotionally raw, and will cry pretty easily from a spanking. Then I'll go into a mode where it's nearly impossible for me to reach the point of tears.
     I have come to realize that it is not the severity of the spanking, or the amount of pain it produces, that brings me to tears. The pain is merely  a catalyst to the tears.  I can take quite a bit of pain during a spanking, especially when I'm told before hand how many swats/strokes I'm going to get. I can mentally work my way through the pain, fight it, because I rationalize that I've only got "so many" left before it's over. It's baffling as to why I do this, because I often crave the catharsis I get from the release of tears, and yet I fight the total loss of control that brings me to it.
    The emotion that is invoked while I'm being spanked is what brings the tears. If J is silent or doesn't say much throughout the spanking, it is very unlikely that I will even come close, regardless of how hard or long I'm spanked. It is even less likely that I will cry if the spanks are consecutive, no pauses in between. However, if he speaks to me, tells me that I'm being spanked because it's what I need, because he cares, because I didn't do something I was supposed to, or whatever the case may be, it's easier for me to reach a point where I will cry.


    Here's what happened to bring me to these conclusions. Lately, I have been on-edge. I've been stressed out, overwhelmed, and apprehensive. I believe these feelings are linked to the fact that our son is due in less than four weeks, and our life is about to change drastically. I'm very excited and absolutely can't wait for him to arrive, but at the same time, I know that change is inevitable. My relationship with J is going to change, and there's no way to predict what those changes will be. What I'm very hopeful for and what I expect will happen is that we will grow closer with the knowledge that the beautiful new life joining us is a product of our love and commitment to each other. What is more likely is that while our love may deepen, we will both be tired, irritable, and possibly irrational. We will snap at each other, misunderstand each other, and make mistakes. These things, I'm positive, are things that all new parents experience. What I'm afraid of is that in between diapers, feedings, spit up, and sleepless nights, we won't be able to find time for each other. That the little things that mean so much will slip through the cracks, the spankings will stop and I'll lose the feeling of stabilitly and security that comes with them. I'm afraid of losing the intimacy between J and I.
    I suggested the idea of daily spankings, because I thought they would help ease some of my obsessive worries. J agreed to do daily spankings, and they have helped some. However, I find myself wanting more. I wind up crying at night and I don't know why. I try to hide this from J because I know it would worry him and he would want to know what's wrong, and how could I possibly explain it when I don't know? I haven't cried from a spanking in at least two weeks, and I began wondering if this was the cause of my affliction. I (irrationally) have been feeling neglected and unwanted (as described in my last post), and have been physically craving J. It's difficult for us to make love or be intimate, between J's work schedule, our sleep schedule, and the fact that I am a blimp and just generally uncomfortable. However, I think our inability to have sex has translated into me needing more physical contact to feel like I am wanted and loved. We didn't have much time yesterday before J left for work for our daily spanking date, so J told me I'd be getting it before bed instead.
    We were laying in bed watching tv, and J asked me if I wanted to go to bed.
    I looked at him, confused, realizing with a sinking feeling that he'd forgotten about the spanking, and slowly replied, "Sure..."
    Recognition flashed in his eyes, and he said, "You have a choice."
    Immediately, I started closing up. I thought he might say that I "could wait until tomorrow" and have two, or something of the sort. Like skipping a spanking was even close to what I wanted. I started to feel sick to my stomach.
    "You can pick a card, or my choice."
    "What do you mean?" I asked softly.
    "Either you go get the cards, or I do what I want."
    Isn't that the point? I thought to myself. "I don't want to choose." I said, not referring only to that particular moment, but everything in general. Beneath those five simple words, I begged him to take control.
    "What does that mean?"
    "Do what you want." I mumbled.
    I assumed the position on the love seat, and he pulled my sweatpants down. Clutching my stuffed animal, I braced myself.
    He used the five finger strap for a minute or two to start off with, then started using the celtic lexan paddle. However, it was very thuddy and it worried me a little how heavy it was.
    "That's really heavy," I said. We hadn't used that paddle much so I dont think either of us realized how heavy it really was.
    He agreed, and put it away. In it's place, he brought out the loopy. He spanked me with that for some time, and while he spanked, he admitted that he'd almost forgotten tonight's spanking. "But you knew that already, didn't you?"
    I told him I did, and I forced myself to focus on the twinge of emotional pain that brought. I knew it wasn't his fault he'd almost forgot, usually we do the spankings before he goes to work. After working hard all night, and being tired, I'm sure it wasn't intentional. Nontheless, as always when a spanking is forgotten, there was a moment of feeling rejected. I held on to that, allowed it to chew through my protective layer, to let the pain seep in and blend with all the emotions that had been weighing me down. When I finally did, I felt the tears welling in my eyes.
    The spanking ended soon after I'd reached this point. Looking back, I wish I'd had just a bit more of spanking, let the pain carve a little deeper into my emotional pool. At the time, though, I just wanted to be in J's arms. He held me while I cried, and the tighter he wrapped his arms around me, the harder I cried. I felt close to totally losing control and sobbing, but reigned myself back in. J asked me if it hurt, and I assumed he thought it must have because I was crying, and I hadn't cried in some time. I was too teary to explain that it was the emotion that had made me cry, not the pain, so I simply just let myself cry softly into his chest. As I regained composure, I pulled myself away and noticed a big black splotch on his white shirt. I gasped.
    "I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, slapping my hand over the spot my mascara had left on his shirt.
    He assured me it was okay, and I went to the bathroom to clean my face off (and pee, obviously, since it had been over ten minues since the last time I'd gone LOL).
    When I came back to bed, I was feeling lighter, more secure, and closer to J. All my life, I've tried to hide my tears from everyone else in the world. It has always been easier for me to bury my feelings than suffer the indignity of dealing with them in view of others. Showing emotion was strongly discouraged by my father, so I learned very early on that I was better off dealing with it privately. I was (and often still am) ashamed by any display of emotion that may portray weakness. Therefore, crying makes me feel vulnerable. Being able to show that vulnerability and feel safe while doing so, draws me emotionally and psychologically closer to J. It's inexplicable, but a spanking that tears down my walls, drags me through my inner pool of darkness, and forces me to face the fears and anguish that live there bonds me to him. To make a long story short, I felt relieved after last night's spanking. I needed to feel vulnerable, and in turn be protected and feel safe in that vulnerability. The intimacy I feel through that process runs deeper and stronger than you could imagine if you've never been through it.

    Today, from an emotional stand point, I'm feeling great. I feel that I am able to face the change that our lives are going to meet and go with it. Everything is going to be okay, because J and I are in this together, and no matter what happens, we've got each other.

Jumbled Post

    Sorry in advance for the excessive rant that this post is most likely to turn into. I have a thousand things on my mind lately, so don't be surprised if it makes no sense at all. You have been warned :)
    Lately I just feel .. blah. For no reason! While I should be enjoying these last few weeks of my pregnancy, I am absolutely miserable. I can't imagine what it's going to be like going at least 6 weeks with no spankings! I'm going to be a horrible, grouchy, b*tch! I can see it now. OMG.
    I have been struggling with feeling the need to be spanked, but not wanting to be spanked. Now obviously, I know that spankings hurt, and they are meant to. I'm the one who asked for daily spankings, and I find myself dragging my feet when it comes time for them. But damn, I'm sore! I enjoy the closeness it brings, and it is 100% worth it, but at times, I just don't want it. I think this is beginning to irritate J. Today, during our daily spanking, he told me he was going to give me 70 on each and then I'd be done. Well, he gave me the 70, and then randomly started swatting my butt, probably another 10-15 times. I complained that he was "cheating," and pouted for a few minutes after my spanking. He asked what I meant by that, and I said "because you said 70, and that was a lot more!" (ok, looking back, it wasn't alot more, but it felt like it!) He shook his head, disagreeing. "It was only a few more." We argued back and forth about it for a moment before I said, "Well, I don't like it! I'm sore!" He came back with, "Well, you're the one who asked to have them daily." Ugh. Men. "That doesn't mean I always like it!" I was pouting hardcore. "You better like it," he said, turning to finish dressing for work. That made me want to cry. (Hormones, don't you hate them?!) I felt so misunderstood, (I know, someone call me a waaaah-mbulance!) like just because I like being spanked, I'm supposed to like it all the time? Because I recognize the need means I have to like it? Well, I don't.
    I cry a lot at night. For no apparent reason. I feel neglected, but I couldn't tell you why. It's not like J doesn't pay attention to me. He's wonderful! He goes out of his way to make my life easier, especially now that I'm huge and cant really get around on my own. I haven't had a spanking that's made me cry in quite some time. Could this be the problem? Deep down, I think so, but like I said... even though I know that I need it, I don't want it. So I'm hesitant to bring it up.
    Maintenance got post-poned to last night again, instead of having it Saturday. By the time we went to bed Saturday, J said his stomach wasn't feeling well and that he'd give me my spanking the next day. It's not that I didn't believe him. I did. And somehow, that didn't stop me from feeling like he just didn't want to spank me. It seems lately most of my maintenance spankings get moved to Sunday instead, and it leaves me feeling insecure and unwanted all of Saturday night, all day Sunday, until I finally get spanked. When he told me Sunday morning that he'd gotten up in the middle of the night Saturday to throw up, I felt awful. I'd withdrawn into myself the minute I was told I wouldn't be spanked, and even though J had made me promise I wasn't mad that he was waiting until the next day, not much conversation ensued. I built a wall up around myself to contain the tidal wave of emotion that was surging through me. I didn't lie to J. I wasn't mad. He always asks me if I'm mad when a spanking gets put off or doesn't exactly go the way it usually does, and I always say no. Because I'm not mad. I hardly even get frustrated. It's a complicated emotion to explain, and the best way I can describe it is to say I feel insecure, shaky, and sad. It almost hurts  to feel that way, because whether intentional or not (and I'd definitely say not because I don't think J would ever want me to feel like this,) I feel like he doesn't want me. There's a multitude of reasons that this could be, in my mind. I'm too much work. I'm too needy, too emotional, too dramatic. I'm constantly afraid he's going to wake up one day and say to himself, Why the hell didn't I marry a normal, vanilla girl? I don't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm afraid of asking for too much. I often wonder to myself, when is he going to reach his limit? Will he eventually blow up on me and tell me I don't deserve all the things I ask him for? I don't believe he ever would, but there's a nagging voice in the back of my brain that tells me be careful, he just might.
    I have thought about other methods of disicpline besides spanking, things that wouldn't necessarily need physical involvement from J, or much less of it than a spanking would. I have mentioned a few to J in passing, but never brought them up in  way that would suggest I was interested in using them. Reading this post by CedenoGems at Peppered Backside, brought it to the forefront of my mind again, especially now that I am so pregnant, and in desperate need of emotional release so often. Since reading the post, I've thought much more about it. I probably would benefit greatly from a "reflection" period after a spanking, a time to gather my thoughts and process my emotions. Here's the kicker. I'm so embarassed about bringing this up to J, I almost can't bear the thought of it. It sounds childish, though I know it's not, and that it would probably be a very useful tool for us! I don't understand how I can still be so sensitive and ashamed about things like this? I am terrified of my husband rejecting the idea and thinking I'm some kind of lunatic for even considering it. I mean, after telling him I wanted him to spank/discipline me, asking about trying a reflection period (not necessarily in a corner since we don't have open ones in our bedroom and standing for any amount of time and not moving is really not an option right now as my feet swell like balloons if I do) should be a piece of cake, right? Yeah, easier said than done.
    I am tired of feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I'm ready to not be kicked in the ribs anymore. I'd love to be able to roll over in bed with one motion instead of having to use a six step process. I don't want to feel like shamu anymore. I want my body back. The one I felt sexy in. Because this, this is not sexy anymore. I'm swollen, uncomfortable, covered in stretch marks, and I feel uglier than I ever have. I liked being pregnant in the beginning. Now, I just want to be done. I'm ready.
   
    For those of  you who made it through this post and didn't find me worthy of a mental hospital, I thank you. For those who made it through and think I should be seeking some kind of mental health help, I think you might be onto something ;)

Finally Friday!

    Anyone else reeeeaaally excited that it's Friday, or it is just me? I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with my sweet hubby. I am extremely grateful for him, and all he does for our family. As the arrival of our son grows closer, the more I realize what an amazing father he's going to be. I am also feeling a desperate need to spend as much time with him as possible, as I recognize that we won't have a lot of alone time once the little man arrives. I'm hoping we can squeeze a date night in this weekend :)


Chapter four is up at spanko stories-go check it out!