Attitude? Adjusted.

In my defense, it had been a long week. We were sitting together before J left for work and I was being pretty sassy, but playfully! I didn't think J was going to take me seriously. I was wrong. He told me I had "an attitude that needs adjusting." I just shook my head and giggled, still not taking him seriously.

When he got home from work I was laying on the couch holding the baby, who was starting to wake. We talked while I fed him about J's night at work and random things. After the baby was fed and changed I put him back down. I sat with J for a bit longer, then told him I was going to lay down soon. He replied, "yeah on your belly or on your side," which made me blush a deep red. He continued, "let's just go now then because I don't want you to fall asleep." he used the doggin bat to warm me up. Then, he announced that I'd be getting 150. That sounded like a lot to me but I bit my tongue. He started and instantly my butt was on fire! He did things differently this time. Usually he does all one side then all the next. This time he alternated every few swats. I don't know which is worse, but it hurt. I was shocked at how much it hurt, actually. I didn't realize at the time that he'd switched to the black strap and I thought he was just using the doggin bat harder. There were times throughout the strapping that I thought about asking him to stop. Eventually I threw my hand back to get some sort of break, but he just grabbed it and spanked on. It felt like the hardest spanking I'd ever had, though J told me after that he wasn't going hard at all. When it was finished, I cried. J held me and made sure I was okay. Then we talked. He asked if it hurt and I told him yes. That was when I was informed he'd switched to the strap for the 150. I told him I almost asked him to stop and he replied, "well I wouldn't have. I told you how many you were going to get." I swear, someone has stolen my man and replaced him with a more stern one. It feels good though.

We had a busy weekend ahead. A thirtieth birthday party on the cape and then a Marthas Vineyard trip after that to close out the weekend. As we finished packing Saturday morning, J said something and I rolled my eyes. Immediately he asked, "do I need to pack a strap in case you get out of line?" I shook my head, pouting. "no sir!" he gave me a long look before the deciding. "Okay. But remember I've always got my belt on,"

Point taken.

day off

I love my son. I really, truly do. It's just sometimes, when he's screaming constantly, I want to jump off a bridge. For the past week, he has been crying the majority of the day. Since I spend the most time with him, it was really starting to wear on me. Yesterday after walking around bouncing him for two hours to soothe him and it not working, I went into the bedroom where J slept. I sat down on the bed with the screaming baby and I just started bawling. I didn't know what else to do for him. J got up and took the baby, and after a while got him calmed down. He informed me he was going to call out of work to help me for the day. It was so nice having a little break. I was much less stressed out, and it was great spending some time with J. It was much needed! I'm so grateful for my hubby <3

new implement!

     Last week, I'd ordered a doggin bat from Amazon. I had read a few blog posts from fellow spankees and I was interested in trying one out for myself. I of course hadn't even been spanked at that point since I had the baby, but I was craving one and I just ordered it impulsively. It arrived two days ago, and J was the one to find it sitting outside the door.
     He was curious (I'd ordered it without asking/telling him, I wanted it to be a surprise and since it was only 8$ I knew he wouldn't mind) as to what it was, but I wouldn't tell him. Thankfully, we were on our way out the door so he didn't push the issue.
     When we got back, while he was preoccupied, I opened the package and stuck it in our implement drawer. He left for work soon after.
      Sometime while he was gone, I informed him that the package was something I'd picked out for him, and that I'd put it in the drawer for him to see when he got home. He was a little annoyed that I wouldn't tell him what it was, and I finally sent him the link to the amazon webpage so he could see what it was. He decided to be patient and not ruin the surprise. Before he came to bed, he opened the drawer and found the doggin bat. He grinned. "Is this for horses?" he asked.
     I nodded.
     "Roll over," he said.
      I rolled to one side and he whacked me with it a few times.
     "I like it," he announced. "It has good reach. It's a little weak though, isn't it?"
     I shrugged. "It could be because of my underwear.It's going through two layers of clothes."       
     Putting it back in the drawer, he said, "User approved."

     Last night, we were laying in bed, and J looked at me. "Go and get the bat," he ordered.
     I was tired, but I wasn't going to turn down a spanking! I jumped up and went to the drawer, carrying the leather bat back to him. I put a pillow under my tummy and laid down.
     He smacked away for a while with the doggin bat. It was pretty nice. After a bit, he said, "Ok. I want you to go put this back and bring back the black strap." he said.
      I tilted my head up and pouted.
     "What?" he asked.
     "I don't want it," I murmured. Despite my protest, I got up and replaced the bat, carrying the strap back to him.
      After I'd resumed my position, J said, "I'm going to give you 75 and 75. Ok?"
      I didn't answer, just nodded my head.
      It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. It stung, and he landed quite a few of the swats on my thighs, which was not fun, but it felt nice to be spanked, honestly.
      When he'd finished, my bum was warm and stinging. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me. "Okay, that's enough for tonight. We've got to ease you back into it,"
       I smiled, glad he was so mindful of my well being.
       "Did it hurt?" he asked.
       "Yeah." I replied. "Not too bad though."
       He kissed my head again and held me wrapped tight in his arms. "I love you so much, baby."

       It was so nice reconnecting with him last night! I'm hoping for a repeat performance tonight! I even managed to find some high-waisted thongs that don't rub my incision so hopefully I'll be able to feel it more tonight :)

frustrated.

I am exhausted. Little boy has started waking up every 2 hours at night to eat (he'd been going 4-5, two nights he slept 7!) and J doesn't ever even hear him cry so needless to say he does not wake up. I breastfeed so I think he thinks he doesn't need to because he can't feed him but it'd be a huge help if he got up and changed him and then gave him to me to feed. Then he could go back to sleep. It wouldn't be so bad waking up but he eats for a half hour. Then he'll sleep an hr and a half and he'll be up again trying to eat! What happened to my sleeper?! He doesn't nap during the day either. He cat naps. And will only sleep in someone's arms. So nothing gets done in the house.
I am all fine and dandy with all of this. What bothers me is two nights in a row I was promised a spanking, and didn't get one. Both nights, I'd gone to bed expecting J to be coming soon after. Saturday night, I fell asleep almost immediately, so that wasn't J's fault. Last night, he told me he was finishing the beer he had open with our roommate and he'd be in. That was at 10:50. I woke up to him coming to bed at 12:24. So frustrating! And when I made a comment this morning about not getting spanked, he said it's because I fell asleep! Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't wait up for an hour and a half for you to come to bed. Gah!

Ok, rant over. Time to brag. MY THREE AND A HALF WEEK OLD SON ROLLED OVER THIS MORNING! No, you didn't read wrong. My child is superman lol I watched him do it and he made it look so easy. I was expecting him to roll early because he's always holding his head up and looking around, he's very strong. But not THIS early! I've got a feeling I'm going to have my hands full with this boy :p

wheeee!

J asked me today if I'd like a nice little spanking tonight...wahoo! I can't wait :) just thought I'd share lol

missing ttwd

I am so missing spankings! Life with a newborn is hectic and stressful at times, and I could use a good spanking to reset me and ease my stress. My incision opened up in a small spot and it's still pretty tender but I've been doing most everything I normally do and feel "fine". I'm probably over-doing it and my dr scolded me a little when I went to have the opening checked, but I just want life to be back to normal. I'm not doing anything crazy or heavy lifting, but a mommys gotta do what a mommys gotta do, right? (especially when daddy sleeps through ANYTHING lol). Ah well... I'm hoping J can be talked into maybe easing back into spanking? We'll see!

talking it out

    Yesterday, while J was at work, we were sending texts back and forth to each other. I told him I couldn't wait for the six weeks to be up because I wanted spankings and love making. He agreed, and then added, "Well, I dont personally want to be spanked.." to which I replied that it was a good thing, because I didn't want to spank him, and asked if he wanted to spank me. He texted back: I miss it, I have to admit.
    I couldn't help but smile. I have always thought that J only spanked me because it's what I wanted, and that he didn't see any real benefit for himself or us. It made me feel good to "hear" him say that he was missing it. The conversation rested there as J had work to finish and I didn't want to bother him as he was nearing the end of his shift. Today, however, I sent him a text asking, "Do you really miss the spankings? I doooo! What do you miss about them?" I was so curious as to what about them he enjoyed.
    I miss the intimacy of them, he replied, bringing another smile to my face.
    I felt my heart swell with happiness, and explained, "I always thought you just did it for me, and didn't really like or want to do it."
    What he said next kinda stopped my heart. I do do it for you. The "punishment" stuff I'm not so sure of, but I like the good girl ones.
    I felt crushed. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I felt like I was given a beautiful, shiny gift only to have it ripped away from me. Since the beginning of this, I've been insecure about it and felt guilty that J was doing it just for me, and not enjoying it himself. I'm not saying I enjoy punishments, but the results are beneficial to me, and I thought, to us. I wanted to just cry. I texted back a short, "ohh." and quickly put my phone aside, hoping he wouldn't press the issue.
    My phone vibrated moments later, signalling a text.
    Babyy.
    Now the tears welled in my eyes, because I knew that I'd made him feel bad, and that wasn't what I'd meant to do at all. I just didn't know what else to say to what he'd told me. I was so delighted when he'd told me that he was missing spankings, that I assumed he meant all kinds, and it was disappointing to hear that he wasn't doing it for him too, but just for me.
    He texted again before I could gather a response. I don't mean that I won't do it.
    "I know." I wasn't trying to be harsh, I just didn't know what else to say. I was hurt.
    Babe...please don't be mad at me :(
    I explained that I wasn't mad, just that it had made me a little sad, to which he responded that he shouldn't have said anything at all. I told him that I liked talking about it, and that I wanted to know how he felt. Positive or negative. He told me he didn't like upsetting me, but I argued that I would rather know and I didn't want him to be pretending to like something, or just doing it for my sake. I asked if it was just punishment he didn't like, or maintenance too?
    It's not that I dont like them, it's just hard for me still to make you cry.
    As most of you know, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings or my needs, especially when it comes to ttwd. But here, I knew that I had to just open up and let it all out. I explained that the spankings that make me cry are the ones that make me feel closer to him. That letting myself be open and vulnerable enough to cry during a spanking and feeling safe enough to do so strengthened my trust in him, further cemented my feelings for him. I told him that while I do lovelovelove my good girl spankings, and that I dislike punishments and maintenance while they're happening, they're the ones that "reset" me and make me feel cared for and loved. After typing out my rather long response, I hesitated before pressing send, and when I finally did, I felt anxious and breathless while I waited for his answer.
    After what felt like forever, all he said was I know baby.
    GAH! "I'm sorry," I texted.
    He didn't want me to be sorry. He told me that it's just the psychology of him hurting me, thats hard for him to get past. He promised that he understood how I felt, and why it works, but that it's still just hard for him.
    And then it hit me. What a lucky girl I am. He cares for me so much that even though I ask him to, he finds it hard to "hurt" me. I realized how many men in the world would take the power and control that I willingly offer to J and abuse it, use it to their advantage and to make their women feel badly, and probably really hurt them. He cares so much for me that even though it makes him uncomfortable, and even though it's emotionally hard for him to do it, he spanks me because it's what I need. He graciously accepts the power and control I offer him and uses it sparingly, while taking my thoughts, feelings, and needs into consideration before doing anything.
    I told him I was sorry that it was hard for him, and that sometimes I forget this doesn't come naturally to him. I told him that I appreciate that it's hard for him and that I realize that's a good thing! I told him how grateful I am that he's willing to still give me what I need even though it's hard for him.

    The conversation ended there but I think this was an important breakthrough for us.