Jumbled Post

    Sorry in advance for the excessive rant that this post is most likely to turn into. I have a thousand things on my mind lately, so don't be surprised if it makes no sense at all. You have been warned :)
    Lately I just feel .. blah. For no reason! While I should be enjoying these last few weeks of my pregnancy, I am absolutely miserable. I can't imagine what it's going to be like going at least 6 weeks with no spankings! I'm going to be a horrible, grouchy, b*tch! I can see it now. OMG.
    I have been struggling with feeling the need to be spanked, but not wanting to be spanked. Now obviously, I know that spankings hurt, and they are meant to. I'm the one who asked for daily spankings, and I find myself dragging my feet when it comes time for them. But damn, I'm sore! I enjoy the closeness it brings, and it is 100% worth it, but at times, I just don't want it. I think this is beginning to irritate J. Today, during our daily spanking, he told me he was going to give me 70 on each and then I'd be done. Well, he gave me the 70, and then randomly started swatting my butt, probably another 10-15 times. I complained that he was "cheating," and pouted for a few minutes after my spanking. He asked what I meant by that, and I said "because you said 70, and that was a lot more!" (ok, looking back, it wasn't alot more, but it felt like it!) He shook his head, disagreeing. "It was only a few more." We argued back and forth about it for a moment before I said, "Well, I don't like it! I'm sore!" He came back with, "Well, you're the one who asked to have them daily." Ugh. Men. "That doesn't mean I always like it!" I was pouting hardcore. "You better like it," he said, turning to finish dressing for work. That made me want to cry. (Hormones, don't you hate them?!) I felt so misunderstood, (I know, someone call me a waaaah-mbulance!) like just because I like being spanked, I'm supposed to like it all the time? Because I recognize the need means I have to like it? Well, I don't.
    I cry a lot at night. For no apparent reason. I feel neglected, but I couldn't tell you why. It's not like J doesn't pay attention to me. He's wonderful! He goes out of his way to make my life easier, especially now that I'm huge and cant really get around on my own. I haven't had a spanking that's made me cry in quite some time. Could this be the problem? Deep down, I think so, but like I said... even though I know that I need it, I don't want it. So I'm hesitant to bring it up.
    Maintenance got post-poned to last night again, instead of having it Saturday. By the time we went to bed Saturday, J said his stomach wasn't feeling well and that he'd give me my spanking the next day. It's not that I didn't believe him. I did. And somehow, that didn't stop me from feeling like he just didn't want to spank me. It seems lately most of my maintenance spankings get moved to Sunday instead, and it leaves me feeling insecure and unwanted all of Saturday night, all day Sunday, until I finally get spanked. When he told me Sunday morning that he'd gotten up in the middle of the night Saturday to throw up, I felt awful. I'd withdrawn into myself the minute I was told I wouldn't be spanked, and even though J had made me promise I wasn't mad that he was waiting until the next day, not much conversation ensued. I built a wall up around myself to contain the tidal wave of emotion that was surging through me. I didn't lie to J. I wasn't mad. He always asks me if I'm mad when a spanking gets put off or doesn't exactly go the way it usually does, and I always say no. Because I'm not mad. I hardly even get frustrated. It's a complicated emotion to explain, and the best way I can describe it is to say I feel insecure, shaky, and sad. It almost hurts  to feel that way, because whether intentional or not (and I'd definitely say not because I don't think J would ever want me to feel like this,) I feel like he doesn't want me. There's a multitude of reasons that this could be, in my mind. I'm too much work. I'm too needy, too emotional, too dramatic. I'm constantly afraid he's going to wake up one day and say to himself, Why the hell didn't I marry a normal, vanilla girl? I don't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm afraid of asking for too much. I often wonder to myself, when is he going to reach his limit? Will he eventually blow up on me and tell me I don't deserve all the things I ask him for? I don't believe he ever would, but there's a nagging voice in the back of my brain that tells me be careful, he just might.
    I have thought about other methods of disicpline besides spanking, things that wouldn't necessarily need physical involvement from J, or much less of it than a spanking would. I have mentioned a few to J in passing, but never brought them up in  way that would suggest I was interested in using them. Reading this post by CedenoGems at Peppered Backside, brought it to the forefront of my mind again, especially now that I am so pregnant, and in desperate need of emotional release so often. Since reading the post, I've thought much more about it. I probably would benefit greatly from a "reflection" period after a spanking, a time to gather my thoughts and process my emotions. Here's the kicker. I'm so embarassed about bringing this up to J, I almost can't bear the thought of it. It sounds childish, though I know it's not, and that it would probably be a very useful tool for us! I don't understand how I can still be so sensitive and ashamed about things like this? I am terrified of my husband rejecting the idea and thinking I'm some kind of lunatic for even considering it. I mean, after telling him I wanted him to spank/discipline me, asking about trying a reflection period (not necessarily in a corner since we don't have open ones in our bedroom and standing for any amount of time and not moving is really not an option right now as my feet swell like balloons if I do) should be a piece of cake, right? Yeah, easier said than done.
    I am tired of feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I'm ready to not be kicked in the ribs anymore. I'd love to be able to roll over in bed with one motion instead of having to use a six step process. I don't want to feel like shamu anymore. I want my body back. The one I felt sexy in. Because this, this is not sexy anymore. I'm swollen, uncomfortable, covered in stretch marks, and I feel uglier than I ever have. I liked being pregnant in the beginning. Now, I just want to be done. I'm ready.
   
    For those of  you who made it through this post and didn't find me worthy of a mental hospital, I thank you. For those who made it through and think I should be seeking some kind of mental health help, I think you might be onto something ;)