I am feeling all kinds of happy, loved, and secure these past couple of days. The past couple of weeks have been pretty darn good, actually, and I'd be willing to bet it's all the spankings I've been getting! There have been quite a few, most of them short and playful, but all of them amazing.
The transformation I'm seeing in J is gradual but significant. He is more confident in leading me, being in control of me and I love it. When he asserts his control over me, I just want to melt into a puddle at his feet.
I think my love language is spanking .. is that possible? It has become quite clear, at least to me, that there is a direct connection with my behind being spanked, and my mood. I have felt less out of control of myself, my emotions and my life since I've sensed J stepping up. The overwhelming emotions I was feeling are gone. My theory is that since I was feeling so disconnected from J for a while there, everything else just seemed a billion times worse than it really was. I felt like he didn't want me, that he was annoyed and irritated with me, and that he would rather do anything in the world other than just spend time with me. Of course none of these things could be further from the truth, but it was how I felt at the time. It had been quite a while since I'd really been spanked, there had been a few instances where my feelings were unintentionally hurt, and thats all it took. I was falling deeper and deeper into a pit of self pity and I didn't know how to express that I was feeling unloved. Things are pretty much the opposite, now. Moments like this are happening all the time:
Yesterday while we were rolling around on the bed and playing with each other, a conversation arose that made my heart flutter. At one point he grabbed my bum and asked me how it was, to which I replied it was fine. He asked how I wanted it to be, and as any devout spanko would reply, I chirped, "Red!"
He happily obliged me, spanking me first with his hand, then asking for .. wait for it ... his brush! HIS! My, oh my. And no, that wasn't even the heart fluttering comment, but it did make me just a little happy, even though I didn't want "his" brush anywhere near my butt. Once he'd reddened my bum to his satisfaction, he said, "It's red, just how you like it!"
Giggling, I agreed. I do like it red.
"You want it to be red all the time?"
I nodded shyly, blushing. "Yes sir!" I said, barely over a whisper.
"Every day? That's a big commitment to make.." he told me. "Do you think your butt can handle it?"
"UMM YES!" I said excitedly, wiggling my bum at him. Now, let me pause here to point out that this most likely is a case of my fantasy riddled mind getting way ahead of my poor little butt. In my defense, I get caught up in the idea of being spanked every day. There's just something about it, knowing there will be a moment in every day where I must physically submit to him, that I will feel his dominance and control, a time in each day that belongs to just the two of us. I love that idea. Yeah, spankings hurt, but hey .. no pain, no gain, right? We've had daily spankings in the past, and I had a serious love/hate relationship with them. I know he wasn't saying that there would be daily spankings, but thats where my mind went spinning to, and what a lovely place it is! At any rate, I'll take a spanking as often as he wants to give 'em! (Which lately, is faaar more often than before!!)
Last night, I had gone shopping with a friend. When I got home, I texted J who was at work and told him I missed him.
His response : miss u! ur not texting while driving r ya?
It kinda took my breath away. That might sound stupid to you, but J isn't the type of guy to "check up" on me. I'm not sure why, but I'm sure he just doesnt feel the need to. I sort of liked it, though. I liked that he wanted to make sure I was behaving, and following the only "rule" we really have! In the past, I have hoped for him to "check up" on other things, like when he asked me to do something specifically. I struggle with confessing if I've broken the rule or disobeyed because I am afraid he will think I'm saying it to get punished. Which is absolutely not the case. I hate disobeying and/or disappointing him. I want to please him, and it breaks my heart when he is anything but happy with me. So anyway, that was kinda neat.
All this to say, things are amazing. I have a few posts in the works right now, I'm still trying to disentangle and organize my thoughts. Also, I'm now on twitter! @disciplinedream follow me :)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
If you step up, I'll step up, too.
I got myself into hot water this past weekend. I will tell you the story, and you might say that you've heard it before. You would be right. *Sigh* This has happened before.
J was sitting across the room from me in the basement, and when I was moving to go upstairs, he told me that I had to come around the coffee table past him and not on the other side. He had a glimmer in his eye.
I didn't want to outright disobey him, but I just knew if I walked by him, I was going to be subject to a few swats or a pinch or something. I moved to go around the outside of the table, but I moved slowly, and I watched his face carefully. "I dunno..."
"Walk on this side." he said more sternly.
I shook my head, and kept moving in the same direction I was headed. I was still moving fairly slow.
He narrowed his eyes at me, and I paused. "Walk past me." he demanded.
I weighed my options quickly. I figured even if I was threatened a spanking, if I could get away quick enough, it probably wouldn't happen. I knew he wasn't going to follow me upstairs where our roommate and my sister were, and didn't think he'd remember later on. I found a bit of bravery somewhere, took a deep breath and said, "No." I moved quickly for the stairs but he closed in on me in no time.
He grabbed me, pulled me in. He told me that later, I was going to face consequences for not coming to him. I tried to apologize, but he shook his head. He reminded me that he had first asked me to walk his way, then told me to, and then I said no. He said I was going to "get it good."
Later, after we'd finished our second maintenance session for the weekend, he was giving me a couple of swats "for attitude" (or something) and I said, "Well, what was the last one for then?"
"Because you've always got an attitude." he didn't mention the incident earlier.
I wondered if he'd forgotten, or decided not to punish me for it? Maybe he'd included it in the maintenance spanking and just hadn't told me? I didn't want to nag him, so I didn't question him about it. You know me though, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Was he going to punish me, or wasn't he? I had thought 'finally he's going to step up and spank me for something thats important to him.' After thinking about it all day, I had come to the point where I'd realized my wrong doing, felt guilty about it, and wanted to wipe the slate clean. The next morning I told him he forgot something.
After a few minutes of trying to get me to tell him, he guessed "you think I forgot what you did yesterday?"
I made a face, and smiled a little.
"I didn't forget. I asked you to walk by my side, then I told you to, and you didnt listen. Then you said no." he recalled, looking at me sternly.
I squirmed, blushing under his firm glare. I looked away.
"Didn't you?"
"Yes sir."
"What's up with that?" he asked.
"Well ... you had a devious look in your eye! I was just trying to avoid whatever you were going to do to me!"
"I dont care," he told me. "I told you to do something, and you're supposed to do it, devious look or not."
Just then, yeah .. you guessed it! The baby started crying, looking to eat. So the conversation pretty much died there. A little bit later, the baby was napping and J and I were alone. I decided to bring it up again, to put my mind to rest.
"Am I not in trouble for yesterday?" I asked.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you said ... "
J cut me off. "I said, 'later there'd be consequences'. I didn't say when later was." When he saw the disgruntled look on my face, he added, "Fine. I'll tell you this. You're going to get 20 hard smacks on each cheek for doing that. You just never know when."
My heart sank. So I'd have to go around knowing that at any moment I could be spanked? Or worse, that he'd forget about it all together? I wish he'd have spanked me right when it happened! Or at least that day. I didn't want to have to wonder forever when and if I was going to be punished. "You can't do that."
"I can do whatever I want," J said, "The reason you hate it, is the reason it's good."
"No," I argued. "It's not fair!"
"Why isn't it fair?" he wanted to know.
I could name a million reasons, and they were all rushing through my mind. But for some reason, when I opened my mouth to tell him, I felt a sob rushing up to fall out instead, and snapped my mouth shut, covering my face with my hands. I didn't want to cry over this! Why couldn't I just tell him how I was feeling?
"Baby, come on. Let's go upstairs." he suggested.
We went upstairs, and checked on the baby.
After making sure he was still asleep, J took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
I sat on the bed and watched as he walked to the drawer and opened it. I felt my heart beat a little faster when he pulled the oval hairbrush out.
He pointed to the arm of the love seat and I bent over it. "I'm satisfying your need," he told me as he pulled my pants, then panties down. When he firmly put his hand on my lower back and pushed me down was when I started to get nervous.
Oh crap. Why did I have to say anything in the first place?
The swats were hard and fast. They hurt. I struggled to stay in place and even though it was only 20 on each, my butt was hot and stingy when it was over.
He hugged me afterward, and I apologized. He made me tell him what I was sorry for, then accepted my apology.
Today, out of nowhere, he told me to go with him to the bedroom. When I asked why, he told me I was going to be spanked. He told me it was a reminder, because he'd asked me to do something last night, and I'd forgotten. He brought me to the bedroom, and he used his belt on me.
It hurt, but it was short lived, just enough to warm me up and remind me that task needed to be done tonight.
We were back to laughing and joking together afterward. He told me to stand up on the edge of the bed and I did. This brings me closer to his height and it's easier for him to wrap me up in his arms when I'm up there.
With my arms around his neck I said, "Baby .. I don't like your belt."
He started to laugh. "What's the matter with it? Doesnt fit right? Should I get a new one?" He thinks he's funny.
I havent done the task yet, but once the baby is down for the night, I'm going to for sure. I want him to see that I really am trying. I want him to know that I appreciate when he takes the time to correct me and let me know that he expects better behavior.
I can feel J stepping up, in big and small ways. Now it's my turn to show him it's worth it to do so.
J was sitting across the room from me in the basement, and when I was moving to go upstairs, he told me that I had to come around the coffee table past him and not on the other side. He had a glimmer in his eye.
I didn't want to outright disobey him, but I just knew if I walked by him, I was going to be subject to a few swats or a pinch or something. I moved to go around the outside of the table, but I moved slowly, and I watched his face carefully. "I dunno..."
"Walk on this side." he said more sternly.
I shook my head, and kept moving in the same direction I was headed. I was still moving fairly slow.
He narrowed his eyes at me, and I paused. "Walk past me." he demanded.
I weighed my options quickly. I figured even if I was threatened a spanking, if I could get away quick enough, it probably wouldn't happen. I knew he wasn't going to follow me upstairs where our roommate and my sister were, and didn't think he'd remember later on. I found a bit of bravery somewhere, took a deep breath and said, "No." I moved quickly for the stairs but he closed in on me in no time.
He grabbed me, pulled me in. He told me that later, I was going to face consequences for not coming to him. I tried to apologize, but he shook his head. He reminded me that he had first asked me to walk his way, then told me to, and then I said no. He said I was going to "get it good."
Later, after we'd finished our second maintenance session for the weekend, he was giving me a couple of swats "for attitude" (or something) and I said, "Well, what was the last one for then?"
"Because you've always got an attitude." he didn't mention the incident earlier.
I wondered if he'd forgotten, or decided not to punish me for it? Maybe he'd included it in the maintenance spanking and just hadn't told me? I didn't want to nag him, so I didn't question him about it. You know me though, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Was he going to punish me, or wasn't he? I had thought 'finally he's going to step up and spank me for something thats important to him.' After thinking about it all day, I had come to the point where I'd realized my wrong doing, felt guilty about it, and wanted to wipe the slate clean. The next morning I told him he forgot something.
After a few minutes of trying to get me to tell him, he guessed "you think I forgot what you did yesterday?"
I made a face, and smiled a little.
"I didn't forget. I asked you to walk by my side, then I told you to, and you didnt listen. Then you said no." he recalled, looking at me sternly.
I squirmed, blushing under his firm glare. I looked away.
"Didn't you?"
"Yes sir."
"What's up with that?" he asked.
"Well ... you had a devious look in your eye! I was just trying to avoid whatever you were going to do to me!"
"I dont care," he told me. "I told you to do something, and you're supposed to do it, devious look or not."
Just then, yeah .. you guessed it! The baby started crying, looking to eat. So the conversation pretty much died there. A little bit later, the baby was napping and J and I were alone. I decided to bring it up again, to put my mind to rest.
"Am I not in trouble for yesterday?" I asked.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you said ... "
J cut me off. "I said, 'later there'd be consequences'. I didn't say when later was." When he saw the disgruntled look on my face, he added, "Fine. I'll tell you this. You're going to get 20 hard smacks on each cheek for doing that. You just never know when."
My heart sank. So I'd have to go around knowing that at any moment I could be spanked? Or worse, that he'd forget about it all together? I wish he'd have spanked me right when it happened! Or at least that day. I didn't want to have to wonder forever when and if I was going to be punished. "You can't do that."
"I can do whatever I want," J said, "The reason you hate it, is the reason it's good."
"No," I argued. "It's not fair!"
"Why isn't it fair?" he wanted to know.
I could name a million reasons, and they were all rushing through my mind. But for some reason, when I opened my mouth to tell him, I felt a sob rushing up to fall out instead, and snapped my mouth shut, covering my face with my hands. I didn't want to cry over this! Why couldn't I just tell him how I was feeling?
"Baby, come on. Let's go upstairs." he suggested.
We went upstairs, and checked on the baby.
After making sure he was still asleep, J took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
I sat on the bed and watched as he walked to the drawer and opened it. I felt my heart beat a little faster when he pulled the oval hairbrush out.
He pointed to the arm of the love seat and I bent over it. "I'm satisfying your need," he told me as he pulled my pants, then panties down. When he firmly put his hand on my lower back and pushed me down was when I started to get nervous.
Oh crap. Why did I have to say anything in the first place?
The swats were hard and fast. They hurt. I struggled to stay in place and even though it was only 20 on each, my butt was hot and stingy when it was over.
He hugged me afterward, and I apologized. He made me tell him what I was sorry for, then accepted my apology.
Today, out of nowhere, he told me to go with him to the bedroom. When I asked why, he told me I was going to be spanked. He told me it was a reminder, because he'd asked me to do something last night, and I'd forgotten. He brought me to the bedroom, and he used his belt on me.
It hurt, but it was short lived, just enough to warm me up and remind me that task needed to be done tonight.
We were back to laughing and joking together afterward. He told me to stand up on the edge of the bed and I did. This brings me closer to his height and it's easier for him to wrap me up in his arms when I'm up there.
With my arms around his neck I said, "Baby .. I don't like your belt."
He started to laugh. "What's the matter with it? Doesnt fit right? Should I get a new one?" He thinks he's funny.
I havent done the task yet, but once the baby is down for the night, I'm going to for sure. I want him to see that I really am trying. I want him to know that I appreciate when he takes the time to correct me and let me know that he expects better behavior.
I can feel J stepping up, in big and small ways. Now it's my turn to show him it's worth it to do so.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Even Though Summer's Ending
Things are heating up around here. Friday, I was going to write a post about how down I've been. How lately, I've been feeling like I can't do anything right...like I'm a failure at the only things I'm supposed to be good at, being a mother and wife. I didn't get around to writing that day, and I'm glad I didn't.
Saturday night, J and I had a talk, it was not about dd but about some things that have been going on in our life. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. He told me how he was feeling about the way I have been acting recently, and it was really an eye-opener. He was absolutely right about everything he said, and it was hard to hear it.
I was wrong, that's for sure. I hadn't done these things intentionally to hurt him. I would never do anything to hurt him, on purpose. There was just a lot going on at once and I didnt know how to process everything at once. I shut him out. I was lonely, not having spent enough time with J. I started to feel like he didn't want to be around me, to spend time together. Once that happened, it was a lost cause. I started putting up walls to protect myself. I felt like I was on my own, and of course that scared me. I pushed him away. When he offered to help me with the baby, I told him I didn't need his help, I could do it myself. I was being stubborn, it was like I was trying to prove (to myself) that I could do it on my own. It was silly, but I didn't see that then. I cried while he told me how my actions had affected him, and he sounded pretty upset himself.
He wiped my tears and told me he hadn't meant to make me cry.
I knew that. I know that J loves me more than he loves himself, more than anything, except our son. He wants to protect me at all times, never wants to see me sad. My heart hurt...but it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have treated him the way that I did. I should have thought more about it, but I was selfish and only looked at it from my perspective. I thought about all of this as we sat in silence.
When our roommate came into the basement where we were sitting, I excused myself to bed. J followed soon after. He got out the strap, and told me to roll over. I did. He didn't say anything the whole time, except to tell me to get my hands away or to roll back over.
It was extremely intense. J told me after that he wasn't hitting me any harder than usual, and I do believe that. I was still emotionally raw from the talk we'd had only a short while before. I was feeling so guilty for what I'd done, so sorry that I'd disappointed him. He didn't say a word, and yet I felt punished. It hurt so bad, at times I really didn't think I could take it. I rolled away, positive I just couldn't do it. He wasnt phased, just told me to roll back over, firmly guided me back to where I need to be so he could strap me more. I thought it would never end. I sobbed, and he kept spanking. When it finally ended, and I was snuggled up in his arms, I felt so relieved. Even though he didnt say it, I felt like "maintenance" had more of a discipline tone to it. All the guilt I'd felt for hurting J, for acting the way I did, for being so stubborn, it all melted away. I felt so peaceful, like J and I were back on track again, together. The distance had been closed between us, effectively.
"How's your butt feel?" he asked, sticking a hand down the back of my pants and squeezing my bum.
"Ouch!" I squealed, giggling a little. "It's soreeee, does it feel hot?"
"Nope," he murmured in my ear. "I think it needs something more."
I felt alarmed. "What?!" I cried. "Like what..."
His voice was gentle, but totally serious. "I'm thinking maybe the hairbrush."
My heart nearly stopped. "Wait...really?"
"Yep."
"No." I said firmly, looking in his eyes. Only a moment after saying that, though, I re-evaluated. Yes, my bottom was hot and sore. BUT he is the one who's in charge. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay."
"Okay what?"
"If you want to give it to me," I whispered. "I'll take it."
His deep laugh rumbled through the room. "Well, there's an open invitation if I ever heard one, I'll have to keep that one in mind." He didn't spank me again. Was he just looking to see if I would submit to it, even though I had already had more than I thought I could stand? I don't know.
Sunday, I felt like a whole new woman. We had a great day together. We laughed, and played with each other too, not just the baby. We were all over each other every chance we got, touching, kissing, caressing, squeezing. Lots of fun, sexy, sporadic spankings happened throughout the day. J made it clear he planned to make love to me that night. It was a wonderful thing to day dream about to pass the time. We were watching tv together in the basement when J said it was time to go to bed. I put him off for a few minutes and he sat on the futon a few feet away. Finally, when I was ready to go to bed, I got up and started for the stairs, announcing I was going to bed.
"No you're not," J told me.
"Yes, I am. Come on," I urged him.
"Come over here first."
I shook my head, turning back for the stairs. "Come on! I'm going to bed,"
He didn't move. Waited for me to turn around. Which, of course, I did. "Get over here, now!" he ordered, pointing to the spot on the floor in front of him.
I stood there for a minute, contemplating turning and going up the stairs, but realized what I was doing and went to him. He held his arms out to me, and I sat beside him and leaned into his offered embrace. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should have come over right away."
"Naughty," he said, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry!"
"You couldn't walk ten feet over to me? You just said, no." he sounded disappointed. He looked disappointed.
"I know, I'm sorry baby." I said softly, looking into his eyes. "I should have come over."
"Let's go," he sighed.
We went upstairs, to bed, together.
I walked into the room as he was undressing. I stood before him, running my finger tips over his bare skin while he took his clothes off. I couldn't take my eyes off him, couldn't get enough of feeling him.
When he was down to his boxers, he grabbed me and pulled me against his body. He rubbed his hand between my legs, kissing me hard. Then, he roughly spun me around and bent me over at the waist, putting my hands on the bed. He spanked me for a couple minutes, hard enough so that I was dancing around and my bum was pretty warm.
"Get on the bed." he ordered, pointing at the bed.
"Yes sir!" I cried, happily obeying. I climbed onto the bed and looked up at him, my eyes sparkling, a smile on my lips.
He laid me down, and kissed me tenderly. He undressed me, made me feel good. He laid back and let me make him feel good. Then we laid beside each other, slowly and gently touching, enjoying our bodies. We made each other feel good.
Suddenly, "Roll over on your tummy."
I did.
He spanked me again, bare, and even though I was already a little sore, I felt so good that it just increased my pleasure. Then, he rolled me over again and we made love.
It was amazing. It was hot.
This morning, when the baby went down for his first nap, J dragged me off to the bedroom to make love again. It's like a spell has been put on us, ever since that big spanking on saturday.
All this little episode in our lives proves to me is that maintenance is an extremely important part of the equation for us. When we went too long without a serious-toned spanking, I started to feel shaky. I panicked, tried to handle things on my own, and crashed and burned. We both ended up confused and hurt. Once that "reset" button was hit, things were easy between us again. We gravitate toward each other instead of repelling away. We cant keep our hands off each other, cant get enough. I havent hesitated to ask for his help, or to accept it graciously when it's offered. We are working together instead of for ourselves, and it feels really great. Things are definitely heating up ;)
Saturday night, J and I had a talk, it was not about dd but about some things that have been going on in our life. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. He told me how he was feeling about the way I have been acting recently, and it was really an eye-opener. He was absolutely right about everything he said, and it was hard to hear it.
I was wrong, that's for sure. I hadn't done these things intentionally to hurt him. I would never do anything to hurt him, on purpose. There was just a lot going on at once and I didnt know how to process everything at once. I shut him out. I was lonely, not having spent enough time with J. I started to feel like he didn't want to be around me, to spend time together. Once that happened, it was a lost cause. I started putting up walls to protect myself. I felt like I was on my own, and of course that scared me. I pushed him away. When he offered to help me with the baby, I told him I didn't need his help, I could do it myself. I was being stubborn, it was like I was trying to prove (to myself) that I could do it on my own. It was silly, but I didn't see that then. I cried while he told me how my actions had affected him, and he sounded pretty upset himself.
He wiped my tears and told me he hadn't meant to make me cry.
I knew that. I know that J loves me more than he loves himself, more than anything, except our son. He wants to protect me at all times, never wants to see me sad. My heart hurt...but it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have treated him the way that I did. I should have thought more about it, but I was selfish and only looked at it from my perspective. I thought about all of this as we sat in silence.
When our roommate came into the basement where we were sitting, I excused myself to bed. J followed soon after. He got out the strap, and told me to roll over. I did. He didn't say anything the whole time, except to tell me to get my hands away or to roll back over.
It was extremely intense. J told me after that he wasn't hitting me any harder than usual, and I do believe that. I was still emotionally raw from the talk we'd had only a short while before. I was feeling so guilty for what I'd done, so sorry that I'd disappointed him. He didn't say a word, and yet I felt punished. It hurt so bad, at times I really didn't think I could take it. I rolled away, positive I just couldn't do it. He wasnt phased, just told me to roll back over, firmly guided me back to where I need to be so he could strap me more. I thought it would never end. I sobbed, and he kept spanking. When it finally ended, and I was snuggled up in his arms, I felt so relieved. Even though he didnt say it, I felt like "maintenance" had more of a discipline tone to it. All the guilt I'd felt for hurting J, for acting the way I did, for being so stubborn, it all melted away. I felt so peaceful, like J and I were back on track again, together. The distance had been closed between us, effectively.
"How's your butt feel?" he asked, sticking a hand down the back of my pants and squeezing my bum.
"Ouch!" I squealed, giggling a little. "It's soreeee, does it feel hot?"
"Nope," he murmured in my ear. "I think it needs something more."
I felt alarmed. "What?!" I cried. "Like what..."
His voice was gentle, but totally serious. "I'm thinking maybe the hairbrush."
My heart nearly stopped. "Wait...really?"
"Yep."
"No." I said firmly, looking in his eyes. Only a moment after saying that, though, I re-evaluated. Yes, my bottom was hot and sore. BUT he is the one who's in charge. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay."
"Okay what?"
"If you want to give it to me," I whispered. "I'll take it."
His deep laugh rumbled through the room. "Well, there's an open invitation if I ever heard one, I'll have to keep that one in mind." He didn't spank me again. Was he just looking to see if I would submit to it, even though I had already had more than I thought I could stand? I don't know.
Sunday, I felt like a whole new woman. We had a great day together. We laughed, and played with each other too, not just the baby. We were all over each other every chance we got, touching, kissing, caressing, squeezing. Lots of fun, sexy, sporadic spankings happened throughout the day. J made it clear he planned to make love to me that night. It was a wonderful thing to day dream about to pass the time. We were watching tv together in the basement when J said it was time to go to bed. I put him off for a few minutes and he sat on the futon a few feet away. Finally, when I was ready to go to bed, I got up and started for the stairs, announcing I was going to bed.
"No you're not," J told me.
"Yes, I am. Come on," I urged him.
"Come over here first."
I shook my head, turning back for the stairs. "Come on! I'm going to bed,"
He didn't move. Waited for me to turn around. Which, of course, I did. "Get over here, now!" he ordered, pointing to the spot on the floor in front of him.
I stood there for a minute, contemplating turning and going up the stairs, but realized what I was doing and went to him. He held his arms out to me, and I sat beside him and leaned into his offered embrace. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should have come over right away."
"Naughty," he said, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry!"
"You couldn't walk ten feet over to me? You just said, no." he sounded disappointed. He looked disappointed.
"I know, I'm sorry baby." I said softly, looking into his eyes. "I should have come over."
"Let's go," he sighed.
We went upstairs, to bed, together.
I walked into the room as he was undressing. I stood before him, running my finger tips over his bare skin while he took his clothes off. I couldn't take my eyes off him, couldn't get enough of feeling him.
When he was down to his boxers, he grabbed me and pulled me against his body. He rubbed his hand between my legs, kissing me hard. Then, he roughly spun me around and bent me over at the waist, putting my hands on the bed. He spanked me for a couple minutes, hard enough so that I was dancing around and my bum was pretty warm.
"Get on the bed." he ordered, pointing at the bed.
"Yes sir!" I cried, happily obeying. I climbed onto the bed and looked up at him, my eyes sparkling, a smile on my lips.
He laid me down, and kissed me tenderly. He undressed me, made me feel good. He laid back and let me make him feel good. Then we laid beside each other, slowly and gently touching, enjoying our bodies. We made each other feel good.
Suddenly, "Roll over on your tummy."
I did.
He spanked me again, bare, and even though I was already a little sore, I felt so good that it just increased my pleasure. Then, he rolled me over again and we made love.
It was amazing. It was hot.
This morning, when the baby went down for his first nap, J dragged me off to the bedroom to make love again. It's like a spell has been put on us, ever since that big spanking on saturday.
All this little episode in our lives proves to me is that maintenance is an extremely important part of the equation for us. When we went too long without a serious-toned spanking, I started to feel shaky. I panicked, tried to handle things on my own, and crashed and burned. We both ended up confused and hurt. Once that "reset" button was hit, things were easy between us again. We gravitate toward each other instead of repelling away. We cant keep our hands off each other, cant get enough. I havent hesitated to ask for his help, or to accept it graciously when it's offered. We are working together instead of for ourselves, and it feels really great. Things are definitely heating up ;)
Friday, September 2, 2011
Just Say Yes.
This afternoon, I was sitting on the couch and J went into the bedroom to change for work. The door was open and he poked his head out, and motioned for me to come into the room. I shook my head. He motioned again, raising his eyebrow this time.
"NO!" I whispered loudly. (The baby was half-sleeping only a few feet away from me)
He gave me a look, and motioned again.
Sighing, I got up and went into the room. "What?" I asked.
"Why didn't you want to come in?"
"I dont know. Why did you want me to?"
Not skipping a beat, he replied, "Why wouldn't I want you to? Why does it matter? Maybe I wanted to kiss you." he said, pulling me close and nibbling on my neck. Kissing me softly, he said, "Maybe I wanted to smack your butt."
"Why!" I cried out, pouting. Obviously, I wanted him to spank me. I just didnt want him to know that I wanted him to. Gah. I confuse myself, I cant even imagine how much I must confuse J. Poor guy. Anyway.
He reached around and grabbed my bum, then gave it a quick couple of swats. "I'm just throwing out maybes. Why couldn't you just say yes?" he asked.
"Say yes to what?"
"When I told you to come in here, instead of fighting me..why didnt you just say yes?"
"I will," I answered quietly. "Next time." I'm sure he didn't mean for me to think so much about this, but I have. Even at that moment, I knew what he said was going to have a significant impact on me.
"No you wont." J said evenly.
"What? Why not?"
He sighed. "Because thats what you do."
Of course, I argued with him. Because thats what I do. "No its not. I really will next time."
"No, you'll probably disobey again." (Okay. Just hearing him say that word made me squirm! Gosh, I sorta love when he talks spanko :p)
"I swear, I'll try to just say yes next time." I didn't mean just when he tells me to come into the room, I meant in general. I started to think about why I didn't just say yes. Why is my first reaction to fight against what he's telling me to do? I'm not sure. I think part of me is waiting to see where he will draw the line. Pushing to see if he's got it in him to actually punish me for something that he doesnt like, and not just because I asked him to. I try not to do that, because it's not fair to J. I try to just be submissive, consequences or not...but sometimes, I just cant help but push! It's times when I am stressed out, feeling lost, overwhelmed...I act out, craving his discipline, needing desperately to be contained. I just need to know, when I am running around in a million directions like a chicken with my head cut off, that there are walls to lean against, and they are unmoving. It doesn't usually work, but I haven't learned from that I guess. I am going to work on fixing this. I don't want to be this girl, insecure and needy, trying to get his attention (read: discipline) by acting out. I want to be good for him, because he deserves that from his wife.
Just a little side note here: this morning, there was a commercial or something about not having internet for a day ... and J made a comment like "you would die if you couldn't get on the internet."
I nodded my head, in full agreement. "I know. That would be awful." Now .. before I tell you what the next thing out of my mouth was, you all have to understand that I really didn't think anything bad could come from this. We don't have rules. J doesn't really "punish" me for things unless I ask him to ... so this seemed like a safe comment. So, I said "I read some blogs, and some people have rules about that .. ugh!" I was looking for a response like Wow, that's a little overboard, don't you think? or Some guys are just too strict.
What did he say? "What, like not being allowed to go on as much as you do?"
Woah. I did not like the way this was going! "No...that's not what I'm saying. What I was saying, was that it's horrible! I could never..."
He had a look on his face that spelled trouble.
If he decides to finally make a rule, and it involves an internet time limit, I'm seriously going to cry.
Happy Friday everyone :)
"NO!" I whispered loudly. (The baby was half-sleeping only a few feet away from me)
He gave me a look, and motioned again.
Sighing, I got up and went into the room. "What?" I asked.
"Why didn't you want to come in?"
"I dont know. Why did you want me to?"
Not skipping a beat, he replied, "Why wouldn't I want you to? Why does it matter? Maybe I wanted to kiss you." he said, pulling me close and nibbling on my neck. Kissing me softly, he said, "Maybe I wanted to smack your butt."
"Why!" I cried out, pouting. Obviously, I wanted him to spank me. I just didnt want him to know that I wanted him to. Gah. I confuse myself, I cant even imagine how much I must confuse J. Poor guy. Anyway.
He reached around and grabbed my bum, then gave it a quick couple of swats. "I'm just throwing out maybes. Why couldn't you just say yes?" he asked.
"Say yes to what?"
"When I told you to come in here, instead of fighting me..why didnt you just say yes?"
"I will," I answered quietly. "Next time." I'm sure he didn't mean for me to think so much about this, but I have. Even at that moment, I knew what he said was going to have a significant impact on me.
"No you wont." J said evenly.
"What? Why not?"
He sighed. "Because thats what you do."
Of course, I argued with him. Because thats what I do. "No its not. I really will next time."
"No, you'll probably disobey again." (Okay. Just hearing him say that word made me squirm! Gosh, I sorta love when he talks spanko :p)
"I swear, I'll try to just say yes next time." I didn't mean just when he tells me to come into the room, I meant in general. I started to think about why I didn't just say yes. Why is my first reaction to fight against what he's telling me to do? I'm not sure. I think part of me is waiting to see where he will draw the line. Pushing to see if he's got it in him to actually punish me for something that he doesnt like, and not just because I asked him to. I try not to do that, because it's not fair to J. I try to just be submissive, consequences or not...but sometimes, I just cant help but push! It's times when I am stressed out, feeling lost, overwhelmed...I act out, craving his discipline, needing desperately to be contained. I just need to know, when I am running around in a million directions like a chicken with my head cut off, that there are walls to lean against, and they are unmoving. It doesn't usually work, but I haven't learned from that I guess. I am going to work on fixing this. I don't want to be this girl, insecure and needy, trying to get his attention (read: discipline) by acting out. I want to be good for him, because he deserves that from his wife.
Just a little side note here: this morning, there was a commercial or something about not having internet for a day ... and J made a comment like "you would die if you couldn't get on the internet."
I nodded my head, in full agreement. "I know. That would be awful." Now .. before I tell you what the next thing out of my mouth was, you all have to understand that I really didn't think anything bad could come from this. We don't have rules. J doesn't really "punish" me for things unless I ask him to ... so this seemed like a safe comment. So, I said "I read some blogs, and some people have rules about that .. ugh!" I was looking for a response like Wow, that's a little overboard, don't you think? or Some guys are just too strict.
What did he say? "What, like not being allowed to go on as much as you do?"
Woah. I did not like the way this was going! "No...that's not what I'm saying. What I was saying, was that it's horrible! I could never..."
He had a look on his face that spelled trouble.
If he decides to finally make a rule, and it involves an internet time limit, I'm seriously going to cry.
Happy Friday everyone :)
Monday, August 29, 2011
Ups and Downs
I'll start with the ups. Friday night, J's mom came over to watch the baby so we could have a date night! It was awesome. J took me out to eat to one of my favorite restaurants, and then we went to see Our Idiot Brother, which ended up being pretty funny. Later we sat together in the basement talking, and I was developing a bit of an attitude. J raised an eyebrow and kinda playfully asked me why I was being so fresh .. I of course replied with a *ahem* polite response (not, try super sarcastic ... oops!) and he quickly grabbed me and pulled me over his lap. He gave me a dozen or so hard smacks and told me to stop being so sassy. When he let me up, I may or may not have pouted, just a little! ...and J pushed me back down and swatted me a few more times, hard. Apparently, making a pouty face counts as being "fresh". Who knew?
J seems to be more drawn to my butt. Anytime he is around I can expect a pinch, grab or smack on the bum. He doesnt care if people are around, either .. the other day, he swatted me in front of his brother! I could have just dropped dead, and I felt like my face was blazing, but his brother didnt seem phased. I'm sure it came across as playful, but I was still embarassed! I like that he's enjoying that region more .. I love the attention!
Now, the downs. Today is a sad day for me. I am remembering someone who was taken from us too soon. My mother would have been 44 today. I am like my mom in many ways, and as much as I cherish that, it frightens me too. I fear finding the disease that took her, in me. Sometimes I am afraid that I will die young, too. I get overwhelmed by this sometimes, especially on days like today, when I think of her more. It almost seems inevitable. I wonder if the things I do specifically to lower my risk of developing breast cancer will even make a difference. I worry that I would not be strong enough to stand up in the face of it, if it ever were to strike. I know it is silly and probably unhealthy to worry so obsessively over this, but sometimes I can't help it.
We didn't have maintenance this past weekend. Saturday, J had a few drinks at dinner at my father's. It turned out he had one too many and he wasn't feeling well, so he laid down and fell asleep. I wasn't bothered, really .. a little uneasy, because I really need my maintenance spankings, but I was tired and fell asleep quickly after laying down with him. Sunday, J told me in the morning that I was getting a spanking that night. He apologized for falling asleep, which was sweet. There was a short, quick spanking Sunday during the day. It was playful and the tone was light. Sunday night, I came out of the baby's room after putting him to bed and found J snoring on the couch. I woke him up and we went to bed. He fell back to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. This morning, when he woke up he said, "When (the baby) takes a nap, you're going to get your spanking." I just shook my head. "No." I waited. The first time the baby fell asleep, I sat around waiting for him to tell me to go to the bedroom. I wondered if he would get the implement, or if he would ask me to. I thought about how I'd moved and hidden the strap and hairbrush, and what his reaction would be if he asked me to get either of those implements. I went to the room and put them back in the drawer where they belong as soon as I was able to go without J noticing. He didn't tell me to go. The second time the baby fell asleep, I wondered while I watched the minutes go by if he was going to do this at all. I wanted to just say 'hey lets go do maintenance?' I didn't say anything, though. I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him, and honestly, I didn't want to ask. That just ruins it. I wanted it to be on his terms. When the baby woke up from his second nap, I started to feel a little panicky. I didn't think that he would even sleep again before J had to go, but he did fall asleep about a half hour before J was supposed to leave. I went and laid down in the bedroom, curled up beneath the covers 10 min later. J came in to change into his work clothes, and saw me laying on the bed. I'm not sure if I wasn't in there if he even would have done this, but he got the five fingered strap from the drawer and came over to where I was laying. I was mad. I didn't even want him to spank me, now! He had to leave soon, there wasn't possibly enough time ... "NO!" I said, when he told me to roll over.
His eyes softened. "Come on, babe. Roll over..."
"I don't want one!" I said stubbornly.
"I have to spank you a little bit, roll over."
I shook my head. "Uh-uh."
"Please don't make me roll you over..." he said quietly.
I stared at him, my expression stony.
"Babe, you're not supposed to resist or object." J reminded me, narrowing his eyes.
Sighing, I rolled over and put my face in the pillow. I was determined not to make a sound, not to let him in. I made it through the first ten or so swats before I cried out.
He gave me probably 30 swats in all, and then it was over. He laid down next to me in bed and held me, but I didn't feel better.
I felt like spanking me was some kind of horrible chore, something that had to be done but he didnt really want to. I felt like it was put off and put off until it couldnt be anymore, and then rushed through. I was looking forward to the release that maintenance usually provides, I needed to be able to be shed all my protective layers and be vulnerable, open. This spanking was not that.
There could be more. Maybe, that was to hold me over until he can take care of it fully. I know I should just trust him, accept the decisions he makes, even when it's not what I think I need. I'm working on that.
I recently noticed that there is a feature on blogger that allows you to add emails to a list, and then when you post an entry, it emails a link to it to the people on the list. I told J about this feature, and asked if he would like me to add him to the list, or did he prefer to look on his own? I asked because I hoped he would say yes, add him .. I know he hardly reads here because I always ask if he's read recently, and he always says no. But, he said that he'd prefer to look on his own (translation:not at all). It hurt my feelings at first, that he doesnt want to read what I write but now I'm choosing to look at it differently. If I thought he was reading here regularly, maybe I wouldn't share all the things I do. I wouldn't explore different aspects of my feelings for fear of what he would think. If he did something I really liked, I would wonder if he'd acted of his own accord, or in response to something I'd posted about wanting. So, maybe it's good he's not always looking.
Today was J's first day on second shift. It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, except I waited up for him to get home, and now I'm exhausted. Good night everyone. Thanks for letting me rant.
J seems to be more drawn to my butt. Anytime he is around I can expect a pinch, grab or smack on the bum. He doesnt care if people are around, either .. the other day, he swatted me in front of his brother! I could have just dropped dead, and I felt like my face was blazing, but his brother didnt seem phased. I'm sure it came across as playful, but I was still embarassed! I like that he's enjoying that region more .. I love the attention!
Now, the downs. Today is a sad day for me. I am remembering someone who was taken from us too soon. My mother would have been 44 today. I am like my mom in many ways, and as much as I cherish that, it frightens me too. I fear finding the disease that took her, in me. Sometimes I am afraid that I will die young, too. I get overwhelmed by this sometimes, especially on days like today, when I think of her more. It almost seems inevitable. I wonder if the things I do specifically to lower my risk of developing breast cancer will even make a difference. I worry that I would not be strong enough to stand up in the face of it, if it ever were to strike. I know it is silly and probably unhealthy to worry so obsessively over this, but sometimes I can't help it.
We didn't have maintenance this past weekend. Saturday, J had a few drinks at dinner at my father's. It turned out he had one too many and he wasn't feeling well, so he laid down and fell asleep. I wasn't bothered, really .. a little uneasy, because I really need my maintenance spankings, but I was tired and fell asleep quickly after laying down with him. Sunday, J told me in the morning that I was getting a spanking that night. He apologized for falling asleep, which was sweet. There was a short, quick spanking Sunday during the day. It was playful and the tone was light. Sunday night, I came out of the baby's room after putting him to bed and found J snoring on the couch. I woke him up and we went to bed. He fell back to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. This morning, when he woke up he said, "When (the baby) takes a nap, you're going to get your spanking." I just shook my head. "No." I waited. The first time the baby fell asleep, I sat around waiting for him to tell me to go to the bedroom. I wondered if he would get the implement, or if he would ask me to. I thought about how I'd moved and hidden the strap and hairbrush, and what his reaction would be if he asked me to get either of those implements. I went to the room and put them back in the drawer where they belong as soon as I was able to go without J noticing. He didn't tell me to go. The second time the baby fell asleep, I wondered while I watched the minutes go by if he was going to do this at all. I wanted to just say 'hey lets go do maintenance?' I didn't say anything, though. I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him, and honestly, I didn't want to ask. That just ruins it. I wanted it to be on his terms. When the baby woke up from his second nap, I started to feel a little panicky. I didn't think that he would even sleep again before J had to go, but he did fall asleep about a half hour before J was supposed to leave. I went and laid down in the bedroom, curled up beneath the covers 10 min later. J came in to change into his work clothes, and saw me laying on the bed. I'm not sure if I wasn't in there if he even would have done this, but he got the five fingered strap from the drawer and came over to where I was laying. I was mad. I didn't even want him to spank me, now! He had to leave soon, there wasn't possibly enough time ... "NO!" I said, when he told me to roll over.
His eyes softened. "Come on, babe. Roll over..."
"I don't want one!" I said stubbornly.
"I have to spank you a little bit, roll over."
I shook my head. "Uh-uh."
"Please don't make me roll you over..." he said quietly.
I stared at him, my expression stony.
"Babe, you're not supposed to resist or object." J reminded me, narrowing his eyes.
Sighing, I rolled over and put my face in the pillow. I was determined not to make a sound, not to let him in. I made it through the first ten or so swats before I cried out.
He gave me probably 30 swats in all, and then it was over. He laid down next to me in bed and held me, but I didn't feel better.
I felt like spanking me was some kind of horrible chore, something that had to be done but he didnt really want to. I felt like it was put off and put off until it couldnt be anymore, and then rushed through. I was looking forward to the release that maintenance usually provides, I needed to be able to be shed all my protective layers and be vulnerable, open. This spanking was not that.
There could be more. Maybe, that was to hold me over until he can take care of it fully. I know I should just trust him, accept the decisions he makes, even when it's not what I think I need. I'm working on that.
I recently noticed that there is a feature on blogger that allows you to add emails to a list, and then when you post an entry, it emails a link to it to the people on the list. I told J about this feature, and asked if he would like me to add him to the list, or did he prefer to look on his own? I asked because I hoped he would say yes, add him .. I know he hardly reads here because I always ask if he's read recently, and he always says no. But, he said that he'd prefer to look on his own (translation:not at all). It hurt my feelings at first, that he doesnt want to read what I write but now I'm choosing to look at it differently. If I thought he was reading here regularly, maybe I wouldn't share all the things I do. I wouldn't explore different aspects of my feelings for fear of what he would think. If he did something I really liked, I would wonder if he'd acted of his own accord, or in response to something I'd posted about wanting. So, maybe it's good he's not always looking.
Today was J's first day on second shift. It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, except I waited up for him to get home, and now I'm exhausted. Good night everyone. Thanks for letting me rant.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Eden Fantasy Review !
The Rainbow G Dildo
Recently, I received this dildo from my favorite place to get sex toys. It is made of glass, which is why I chose it. I had never used a toy made of glass before and I was very intrigued by the idea. It's definitely heavier than I imagined it would be, but the weight of it didn't bother me. In fact, that combined with it being cold since my bedroom was cold from the A/C made it feel really good when J rolled the tip over other parts of my body. It's curvy, so it hits all the right spots, and the pretty, colorful nubs aren't so bad either ;)
From the site:
Design / Shape / Size
Color: Multi-color
Length: 7 3/4"
Insertable length: 7 1/4"
Circumference :4 1/4"
Diameter: 1 3/8"
Weight: 10.5 oz
If you're looking for a good way to spice things up in the bedroom, this is one of the best dildos that I've owned.
Recently, I received this dildo from my favorite place to get sex toys. It is made of glass, which is why I chose it. I had never used a toy made of glass before and I was very intrigued by the idea. It's definitely heavier than I imagined it would be, but the weight of it didn't bother me. In fact, that combined with it being cold since my bedroom was cold from the A/C made it feel really good when J rolled the tip over other parts of my body. It's curvy, so it hits all the right spots, and the pretty, colorful nubs aren't so bad either ;)
From the site:
Design / Shape / Size
Color: Multi-color
Length: 7 3/4"
Insertable length: 7 1/4"
Circumference :4 1/4"
Diameter: 1 3/8"
Weight: 10.5 oz
If you're looking for a good way to spice things up in the bedroom, this is one of the best dildos that I've owned.
Monday, August 22, 2011
All Mixed Up
It feels like someone took ahold of my brain and shook it all up, and now everything inside is all stuck together, and out of place... and I'm having a hard time picking up the pieces, separating it all and putting it all back together. So, this is going to be me trying to figure everything out ... forgive me if this post makes no sense at all!
This week is the last week that J is on the day shift. After this, he will be working second shift. Even before the baby, I wasn't crazy about him working second shift because it meant less time together. It doesnt seem like it should, because we have the day together instead of the night. But, by the time hes home it's close to 11:30, then he has to take a shower, usually hes hungry .. and wide awake. He doesnt usually fall asleep until 2 or so in the morning, and thats on a good night. Which means he sleeps later in the morning to catch up on what he needs to be functional. This was alright when the baby wasn't around because I didnt mind staying up late to wait for him to get home, and then we'd spend time together after his shower, AND in the morning/afternoon before he went to work. Now, however, I will most likely be in bed by the time he gets home (pout .. I hate going to bed alone, not to mention its hard for me to sleep when he's not beside me). Oh yeah, and alone time? You can forget about it. The only time the baby sleeps longer than 30 min is at night, and he wont be here.
Saturday night, we were laying in bed talking and cuddling and it came up about him going back on nights. Before I knew what hit me, I was in tears! I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me until that moment. I dont know who was more surprised, J or me! I hate crying in front of people, even J, as silly as it might seem. Then I got annoyed with myself for letting him see me cry. I didn't want him to think I was upset with him. I wasn't. I know that he's unhappy working second shift as well, but it pays better and we need it. I know that the only reason he does it is because he gets great benefits and he wants to take the best care of our family as he can. But knowing all this doesnt make it hurt less thinking about all the time we wont have together. It makes me feel needy, and weak. I dont like that. I want to be strong, and independant...but deep down I know I'm not. I miss him when he's not around. I was already struggling with the little amount of alone time we have together, and now this. J is like my air, and I already feel like I'm choking without him.
I had to ask him to post-pone maintenance for a night. If you read here often, you know this is not like me at all. I hate skipping spankings, and especially missing maintenance. I really needed it, too, but Saturday night was not the time. I could hardly get control of myself, sobbing off and on for the next 45 minutes or so. When J picked up the hair brush and told me tonight I'd be getting 150 on each, I felt my stomach knot. I started crying again. I didnt think I could handle being spanked in my emotional state. I asked softly could we please just do it all Sunday? He wasn't sure at first, but once he was assured I wouldn't be disappointed with him not spanking me, he agreed. I felt far too fragile already to have to put myself in an even more vulnerable position, and was thankful for the reprieve.
We had "the first part" of maintenance last night. Apparently, maintenance now occurs on saturday AND sunday, and since we skipped saturday, my next "appointment" as J called it, is tonight. Last night's spanking was pretty intense. Same routine as last week ... started and ended with the strap with a little hair brush in the middle. Ouch. J was firm again throughout. My hands only went back once, and he graciously didnt give me more swats for it, but he did let me know in no uncertain terms that if it happened again, I'd get two very hard swats extra. Thankfully, I was able to keep them where they belonged! Yay, me :)
As difficult as it is, I like that he expects that of me. It feels good to be held accountable for something, and its as good a place to start as any. He knows that it's hard for me to not put my hands back and try to protect my bottom, but if I do put my hands back, I could get hurt, and he doesnt want that. So, no matter how difficult, he expects restraint. I can live with that ... and I can live with the two extra swats if I screw up. Anyway, it gives me hope that he will eventually extend the accountability into our every day lives and not keep it confined to spanking time only.
I'm actually not looking forward to tonights spanking. If last week was any indication, the "second part" is going to be worse than last night, and to be honest, I'm a little tender today. Sometimes I wonder, if we could get spanked and it not be painful but still get all the benefits from it, would it be the same? Somehow, I dont imagine it would.
This week is the last week that J is on the day shift. After this, he will be working second shift. Even before the baby, I wasn't crazy about him working second shift because it meant less time together. It doesnt seem like it should, because we have the day together instead of the night. But, by the time hes home it's close to 11:30, then he has to take a shower, usually hes hungry .. and wide awake. He doesnt usually fall asleep until 2 or so in the morning, and thats on a good night. Which means he sleeps later in the morning to catch up on what he needs to be functional. This was alright when the baby wasn't around because I didnt mind staying up late to wait for him to get home, and then we'd spend time together after his shower, AND in the morning/afternoon before he went to work. Now, however, I will most likely be in bed by the time he gets home (pout .. I hate going to bed alone, not to mention its hard for me to sleep when he's not beside me). Oh yeah, and alone time? You can forget about it. The only time the baby sleeps longer than 30 min is at night, and he wont be here.
Saturday night, we were laying in bed talking and cuddling and it came up about him going back on nights. Before I knew what hit me, I was in tears! I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me until that moment. I dont know who was more surprised, J or me! I hate crying in front of people, even J, as silly as it might seem. Then I got annoyed with myself for letting him see me cry. I didn't want him to think I was upset with him. I wasn't. I know that he's unhappy working second shift as well, but it pays better and we need it. I know that the only reason he does it is because he gets great benefits and he wants to take the best care of our family as he can. But knowing all this doesnt make it hurt less thinking about all the time we wont have together. It makes me feel needy, and weak. I dont like that. I want to be strong, and independant...but deep down I know I'm not. I miss him when he's not around. I was already struggling with the little amount of alone time we have together, and now this. J is like my air, and I already feel like I'm choking without him.
I had to ask him to post-pone maintenance for a night. If you read here often, you know this is not like me at all. I hate skipping spankings, and especially missing maintenance. I really needed it, too, but Saturday night was not the time. I could hardly get control of myself, sobbing off and on for the next 45 minutes or so. When J picked up the hair brush and told me tonight I'd be getting 150 on each, I felt my stomach knot. I started crying again. I didnt think I could handle being spanked in my emotional state. I asked softly could we please just do it all Sunday? He wasn't sure at first, but once he was assured I wouldn't be disappointed with him not spanking me, he agreed. I felt far too fragile already to have to put myself in an even more vulnerable position, and was thankful for the reprieve.
We had "the first part" of maintenance last night. Apparently, maintenance now occurs on saturday AND sunday, and since we skipped saturday, my next "appointment" as J called it, is tonight. Last night's spanking was pretty intense. Same routine as last week ... started and ended with the strap with a little hair brush in the middle. Ouch. J was firm again throughout. My hands only went back once, and he graciously didnt give me more swats for it, but he did let me know in no uncertain terms that if it happened again, I'd get two very hard swats extra. Thankfully, I was able to keep them where they belonged! Yay, me :)
As difficult as it is, I like that he expects that of me. It feels good to be held accountable for something, and its as good a place to start as any. He knows that it's hard for me to not put my hands back and try to protect my bottom, but if I do put my hands back, I could get hurt, and he doesnt want that. So, no matter how difficult, he expects restraint. I can live with that ... and I can live with the two extra swats if I screw up. Anyway, it gives me hope that he will eventually extend the accountability into our every day lives and not keep it confined to spanking time only.
I'm actually not looking forward to tonights spanking. If last week was any indication, the "second part" is going to be worse than last night, and to be honest, I'm a little tender today. Sometimes I wonder, if we could get spanked and it not be painful but still get all the benefits from it, would it be the same? Somehow, I dont imagine it would.
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