Friday, June 25, 2010
battle of wills (inside myself?)
I have not quite been able to fathom my feelings and actions lately. I brat and brat until J says I'm going to be spanked, but as soon as he does, I back pedal and plead to be let out of it. I pout and whine to no end. To top it all off, when he gives in to me and lets me "off the hook" (which he often does,) I become angry and frustrated! I don't understand what is wrong with me, and I can't figure out how to explain to J that deep down I really do want him to spank me, even when I'm begging him not to.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
honeymoon and party
We spent five wonderful days in Montego Bay, Jamaica on our honeymoon. It was absolutely amazing. The water was beautiful, and soo warm. The people were so friendly and kind, and as far as honeymoons go, it couldnt have been more romantic. There were playful spankings and passionate love making. We hiked Dunns River Falls and visited Dolphin Cove, where I was able to touch a shark! It was SOO much fun! When we got home, my father threw an incredible reception party for us, where we partied all night long. Last night, the first night in a full week where we had no plans other than to spend time together, we had a reminder spanking before bed. I was spanked with both straps, the paddle, and the 5 rod cane. After he'd given me 20 on each cheek with both straps, 23 on each with the cane, and 40 on each with the paddle, he held me in his arms. I could feel inside me the frustration and turmoil and very quietly I whispered, "baby?"
He paused, and said "yes?"
My voice faltered and I lost the courage to ask.
"You want more?" he asked gently.
I nodded.
"Go to the drawer and choose something," he told me.
I got up and carried the paddle back, despite my burning backside.
He laid me over his lap and started to rub in a warming cream.
My backside started to tingle and burn and I wiggled around, trying to extinguish the fire.
Before I knew what was happening, he'd picked up the paddle and started paddling my bottom hard and fast. I hadnt even put my hands back at all until now. I couldn't help it. But he just grabbed it, moved it aside and kept spanking. He brought it lower, spanking right where my bottom meets my thigh.
I squealed and squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath and did all in my power not to cry. But as the paddle came faster and harder, its relentless sting building and fueling the fire already there, my walls began to crumble and I collasped, exhausted, into a heap of tears.
He stopped immediately and pulled me into his arms, kissing my forehead and whispering "I love you"s.
It feels good to be home again :)
He paused, and said "yes?"
My voice faltered and I lost the courage to ask.
"You want more?" he asked gently.
I nodded.
"Go to the drawer and choose something," he told me.
I got up and carried the paddle back, despite my burning backside.
He laid me over his lap and started to rub in a warming cream.
My backside started to tingle and burn and I wiggled around, trying to extinguish the fire.
Before I knew what was happening, he'd picked up the paddle and started paddling my bottom hard and fast. I hadnt even put my hands back at all until now. I couldn't help it. But he just grabbed it, moved it aside and kept spanking. He brought it lower, spanking right where my bottom meets my thigh.
I squealed and squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath and did all in my power not to cry. But as the paddle came faster and harder, its relentless sting building and fueling the fire already there, my walls began to crumble and I collasped, exhausted, into a heap of tears.
He stopped immediately and pulled me into his arms, kissing my forehead and whispering "I love you"s.
It feels good to be home again :)
Monday, June 7, 2010
a little confused
I'm starting to feel more and more confused. I thought Jack and I had come to an understanding about what I need, but I find that I am left feeling disappointed more often than not. I want constant, firm guidance. Instead, he gives me lenience, enjoying the lighter side of spanking much more than the discipline aspect. Instead of giving me a choice I want him to say "this is how it's going to be. if you don't like it, I'll spank you harder." I know it's hard for him, and I'm unbelievably lucky that he does what he does. I don't blame him for going easy on me. I know he perceives it as doing me a favor. I feel badly because I beg him to stop while he's spanking me, but I don't really want him to. On the surface, I want him to stop. My ass is on fire, I can't think of anything besides the pain, can hear nothing other than his hand crashing down on my tender bum cheeks. I writhe beneath his strong hand, attempting to avoid it's punishing blow. I can't help but cry out, unable to control myself. Deeper down, however, I want him to continue. I find comfort in the somewhat primal display of dominance by way of physical pain. I love that he is blatantly stronger and larger, and could so easily overpower me. I feel safe within his arms, certain that no harm will come to me. I need him to continue even though I cry out and plead for him to stop. I want him to show me it's his decision, and he will make the decision that is best for the both of us, difficult or not.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
a few little fun ones ;)
I have noticed, more so in the last couple of weeks than ever before, that my husband is becoming quite the spanko.
We were walking alongside the harbor on the Vineyard this weekend, and I noticed a girl in a bikini, who's butt was BARELY covered by her bathing suit.
I giggled and pointed her out to Jack.
He reached over and grabbed my bum. "Makes me wanna spank you," he whispered.
Anytime we see a wooden spoon or something that could be used as an implement, he'll whisper "wapishhhh" and give my cheeks a squeeze, or something to the effect. If I ask for a spanking, I better be ready for whatever he feels like dishing out, because once he's started, he's not stopping til he feels like it. It's funny to think that at one point I was worried that he would totally balk against the idea of spanking me, and that it took a lot of convincing to get him to spank me and take the control that he now has. I don't think all the convincing in the world could get him to stop now!
I am beginning to realize that sometimes, things just take time. You can't rush things and make them progress faster than they're meant to. Patience and honest communication are essential in any relationship, and a thousand times more so in a spanking relationship, in order to find what works for you and your loved one.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Memorial Day Weekend .. the beginning of my SUMMERR :)
As I type this we are on the ferry to Martha's Vineyard, to spend the weekend with our best friends. I AM SO EXCITED! I used to spend the summers there and work as a teenager, and all of my closest friends live there year round.
Yesterday I got my monroe pierced (like Marilyn), and I LOVE it, but the bar is too long and sticks out of my face too far. The bar has to be big, in case it swells, and I can't have it changed until NEXT FRIDAY! I asked Jack today if we could put off spankings until after I get the bar changed out. I don't have much control of my movements when I'm being spanked, and I often bury my face in the blankets or a pillow and I'm afraid of ripping the long bar out. I guess that's all the news I have for now, as the ferry will be pulling in soon and I need to shut my laptop down. Have a great weekend everyone! :)
Yesterday I got my monroe pierced (like Marilyn), and I LOVE it, but the bar is too long and sticks out of my face too far. The bar has to be big, in case it swells, and I can't have it changed until NEXT FRIDAY! I asked Jack today if we could put off spankings until after I get the bar changed out. I don't have much control of my movements when I'm being spanked, and I often bury my face in the blankets or a pillow and I'm afraid of ripping the long bar out. I guess that's all the news I have for now, as the ferry will be pulling in soon and I need to shut my laptop down. Have a great weekend everyone! :)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Luckiest (:
There was no spanking Sunday night. Jack was too tired and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Monday morning I slept in, cuddling with Jack until about 10:00 :)
We got up and had cereal for breakfast, and played with our dog for a while in the living room. We made a delicious Salad together for lunch, and after we finished eating, Jack got up from the couch and put the dog in her crate.
"Come on," he said, walking into the bedroom.
I followed him in, and saw the hairbrush and the five-fingered strap already laid out on the bed. My heart dropped. "Are you serious?" I asked, fear pumping through my body.
We sat down on the bed together and he looked at me. "What?" he asked, grinning widely.
"Those are the worst ones..." I murmured, looking up at him, pleading with my eyes.
"Which one do you want me to start with?" he asked.
"Your hand?" I said hopefully. When I saw him raise his eyebrow I quickly continued, "I won't bruise as much if you start with your hand...."
He shook his head. "Which one of these do you want me to start with?" he repeated, his tone more firm than the last time.
"Baaaabe, why can't you start with your hand?" I whined. "Pleasee!"
"Alright, I'll start with the hairbrush," he decided, holding it up. His stern eyes gripped mine. "It's not your rules, babe." he reminded me. As I nodded he added, "it's about loss of control, so stop trying to gain it."
I hung my head. "Yes sir." I got up and changed out of my sweatpants, pulling on thin pajama pants instead, knowing he wouldnt allow me to wear sweatpants to be spanked in.
"Lay down. You can lay on the bed if you want," he offered. (Usually for these spankings he makes me bend over the arm of the couch in our room but I had killer cramps yesterday :( .. hes a good hubby!)
"Thank you," I said, piling the pillows and laying over them. I held onto my stuffed animal and closed my eyes.
He started out with hard spanks right from the start, and after only about 4 or 5 swats I was wiggling like crazy. He kept bringing that darn brush down over and over again.
I felt him pulling my pajama pants down and knew that soon, that evil brush would be coming down on my panties. I squeezed my eyes shut and did my best to hold my hands in front of me, and did pretty well doing so until he started using the five fingered strap.
After about a minute or so of that my bottom was aching and burning, and I threw my hands back to protect myself. "OW OW pleasee," I begged.
"Go to the drawer and get me the black strap please," he ordered.
I happily jumped up off the pillows, glad for a break, and kicked off my pants so I could walk across the room .I went to the drawer and got the black strap.
"While you're there you might as well get the big paddle, also." Jack's voice said roughly behind me.
I grabbed that, too, walking back to the bed slowly and handing them to my husband. I couldnt help but think how goddamn sexy he was, even if he was about to paddle my ass!
He gave me a smile. Mmm how I looooveeee that smile. "Get back over, sweetie." he nodded at the pillow pile.
I climbed back over, adjusting myself so my bottom was a perfect target for him. Before I knew what was happening, both straps were coming down relentlessly on my sore, tender backside. It hurt like hell and I burst into tears before even a minute had passed of this, and he just kept going. I cried softly, hoping I wasn't sobbing to noticably (because in some sick way, I didn't want him to stop yet). All I could think about was how much it hurt and that the paddle was out and hadn't been used yet. I squeezed my stuffed animal as hard as I could, lying still and just crying.
He picked up the paddle and gave me a couple of hearty smacks, causing me to cry out loudly. "Okay babe, ten on each cheek with this and that'll be the end," he said gently, giving my back a tender caress before beginning the whacks. Left, then right, left then right, he counted up to ten swats on each side, then gave me a couple with his hand for good measure.
I laid over the pillows sobbing while he got up and put the weapons away.
He came around to me, sitting beside me. "Come here my baby," he murmured, taking me into his arms. He brushed the hair from my face and kissed my tears off my cheeks. "Are you okay love?"
I nodded. "Yes sir," I whispered. "I love you."
"I love you too, baby."
"It didn't take long, today. I was bawling in no time. Usually I can hold out waay longer than that," I told him.
He nodded, smiling sweetly. "I know, baby. It was the combination of both straps that overwhelmed you. Before you could recover from the first one the other strap had already hit you. How do you feel?"
"Sore, and HOT, but better." I smiled contentedly. "I love you soo much!"
While we argued over who loved the other more, I knew in my head that it's probably he who loves me more. He definitely puts up with way more things (and loves me despite them!) than I do. It is moments like these, however, that I know that our love will only grow and strengthen over time. I really must be the luckiest girl in the world.
We got up and had cereal for breakfast, and played with our dog for a while in the living room. We made a delicious Salad together for lunch, and after we finished eating, Jack got up from the couch and put the dog in her crate.
"Come on," he said, walking into the bedroom.
I followed him in, and saw the hairbrush and the five-fingered strap already laid out on the bed. My heart dropped. "Are you serious?" I asked, fear pumping through my body.
We sat down on the bed together and he looked at me. "What?" he asked, grinning widely.
"Those are the worst ones..." I murmured, looking up at him, pleading with my eyes.
"Which one do you want me to start with?" he asked.
"Your hand?" I said hopefully. When I saw him raise his eyebrow I quickly continued, "I won't bruise as much if you start with your hand...."
He shook his head. "Which one of these do you want me to start with?" he repeated, his tone more firm than the last time.
"Baaaabe, why can't you start with your hand?" I whined. "Pleasee!"
"Alright, I'll start with the hairbrush," he decided, holding it up. His stern eyes gripped mine. "It's not your rules, babe." he reminded me. As I nodded he added, "it's about loss of control, so stop trying to gain it."
I hung my head. "Yes sir." I got up and changed out of my sweatpants, pulling on thin pajama pants instead, knowing he wouldnt allow me to wear sweatpants to be spanked in.
"Lay down. You can lay on the bed if you want," he offered. (Usually for these spankings he makes me bend over the arm of the couch in our room but I had killer cramps yesterday :( .. hes a good hubby!)
"Thank you," I said, piling the pillows and laying over them. I held onto my stuffed animal and closed my eyes.
He started out with hard spanks right from the start, and after only about 4 or 5 swats I was wiggling like crazy. He kept bringing that darn brush down over and over again.
I felt him pulling my pajama pants down and knew that soon, that evil brush would be coming down on my panties. I squeezed my eyes shut and did my best to hold my hands in front of me, and did pretty well doing so until he started using the five fingered strap.
After about a minute or so of that my bottom was aching and burning, and I threw my hands back to protect myself. "OW OW pleasee," I begged.
"Go to the drawer and get me the black strap please," he ordered.
I happily jumped up off the pillows, glad for a break, and kicked off my pants so I could walk across the room .I went to the drawer and got the black strap.
"While you're there you might as well get the big paddle, also." Jack's voice said roughly behind me.
I grabbed that, too, walking back to the bed slowly and handing them to my husband. I couldnt help but think how goddamn sexy he was, even if he was about to paddle my ass!
He gave me a smile. Mmm how I looooveeee that smile. "Get back over, sweetie." he nodded at the pillow pile.
I climbed back over, adjusting myself so my bottom was a perfect target for him. Before I knew what was happening, both straps were coming down relentlessly on my sore, tender backside. It hurt like hell and I burst into tears before even a minute had passed of this, and he just kept going. I cried softly, hoping I wasn't sobbing to noticably (because in some sick way, I didn't want him to stop yet). All I could think about was how much it hurt and that the paddle was out and hadn't been used yet. I squeezed my stuffed animal as hard as I could, lying still and just crying.
He picked up the paddle and gave me a couple of hearty smacks, causing me to cry out loudly. "Okay babe, ten on each cheek with this and that'll be the end," he said gently, giving my back a tender caress before beginning the whacks. Left, then right, left then right, he counted up to ten swats on each side, then gave me a couple with his hand for good measure.
I laid over the pillows sobbing while he got up and put the weapons away.
He came around to me, sitting beside me. "Come here my baby," he murmured, taking me into his arms. He brushed the hair from my face and kissed my tears off my cheeks. "Are you okay love?"
I nodded. "Yes sir," I whispered. "I love you."
"I love you too, baby."
"It didn't take long, today. I was bawling in no time. Usually I can hold out waay longer than that," I told him.
He nodded, smiling sweetly. "I know, baby. It was the combination of both straps that overwhelmed you. Before you could recover from the first one the other strap had already hit you. How do you feel?"
"Sore, and HOT, but better." I smiled contentedly. "I love you soo much!"
While we argued over who loved the other more, I knew in my head that it's probably he who loves me more. He definitely puts up with way more things (and loves me despite them!) than I do. It is moments like these, however, that I know that our love will only grow and strengthen over time. I really must be the luckiest girl in the world.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
a little rambling..
Today has been awful. I have breaking into tears for no apparent reason, and feeling deeply rejected and hurt by the smallest of things. I am not sure where this is coming from. I have also been feeling reluctant about being spanked and when Jack brings up spanking me, I balk. Yesterday was supposed to be our reminder spanking but we didn't have it because I fell asleep before he came to bed. I'm starting to feel like we should move the reminder spankings to sundays anyway, since he and his best friend tend to spend saturday nights talking and drinking together until late hours, which I usually cannot stay up for. I can't quite figure out what my problem is lately. Jack has already told me that I am getting my spanking tonight. I shook my head no, and have been bringing it up all day how I don't want to be spanked tonight. I don't think he'll let me get away with it. Part of me reeeeeaaally wants him to let me out of it, but deep down I know I would be disappointed and hurt by it if he did.
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