I've been trying to focus on things that make me happy, like reading and writing. I recently got a membership at our city library and have been visiting quite often. I've read two books this week, and I'm loving that I'm making time to do so. I've also started writing again, and I've decided to create a blog to post my stories on, instead of cluttering up this blog with it. That way if you want to read it, you can go over there and not have to sift through to find the "real life" entries.
I have posted the first chapter to my newest story, at my new blog HERE. I'd love for you guys to read! I'm working on the second chapter, it should be done by tomorrow :)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
FINALLY!
I got spanked twice yesterday. I got a short handspanking before J left for work, my daily spanking. It was stingy but not terribly. When he was at work, I'd texted him, revealing my desire to make love when he got home. It'd been some time, since the last few times we'd tried it really hurt, and I was craving my man. He agreed we could try. He didn't want to hurt me.
After he got out of the shower, he spanked me again. He used the black strap and the five fingered strap. The strokes were not very hard, and only a few of them hurt. Most of the time it felt very nice, and did a great job of getting me in the mood :p
We made love, and it was wonderful. Of course, it hurt at first. A lot. But J was so gentle and loving, and after a little bit, it didn't hurt anymore. It felt so good to reconnect with him on that level. It'd been waaay too long. Hopefully there will be much more where that came from before the little man arrives! 6 more weeks if I make it to my due date, woo hoo!
After he got out of the shower, he spanked me again. He used the black strap and the five fingered strap. The strokes were not very hard, and only a few of them hurt. Most of the time it felt very nice, and did a great job of getting me in the mood :p
We made love, and it was wonderful. Of course, it hurt at first. A lot. But J was so gentle and loving, and after a little bit, it didn't hurt anymore. It felt so good to reconnect with him on that level. It'd been waaay too long. Hopefully there will be much more where that came from before the little man arrives! 6 more weeks if I make it to my due date, woo hoo!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I Need to Whine a Little
I'm so done being pregnant. I want my body back. I love the kid to death, but I'm ready for him to be out. My hips hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt. I have Braxton Hicks so much, and even they're starting to move from the "uncomfortable" realm to wtf?!
I feel so unattractive. J always tells me how I'm such a "cute pregnant person." I don't want to be cute! I want him to want me. We havent made love in over a month. In fact, I think we're closing in on two! I didn't think I'd mind all that much, but I feel unwanted, despite how beautiful J always tells me I am. I'm sure he hasn't tried to make love in so long because the last time we did it, it kinda hurt, and my belly got in the way. I just want him to touch me! :( Thankfully, we talked about this today, and we're going to try to work through it tonight.
I feel so lonely. I miss working. I know that when Silas comes, I will be busy taking care of him, and I will be glad that I am able to be home with him. But now, I feel so disconnected from the world. I don't go out. Once in a great while I will get bagels with a couple girls I used to work with, but that doesn't happen enough, and when it does, I find myself sitting by quietly listening to their conversations and poking in every now and then. We're at different places in our lives. They're in college, and doing what college kids do. I just miss having the companionship of girlfriends. There was a girl I was friends with all through middle school, high school, and the year of college that I attended as a full time student. We were literally inseperable. People got so accustomed to seeing us together, that if we were ever apart, someone always asked where the other was. She was like my sister, we shared everything. Then she started dating her boyfriend, who turned her into a self absorbed biatch, and we don't even speak anymore. It's rather sad, and I'm obviously still not over it. Ugh.
Anyway, I feel a little better now that I've rambled on and complained for a bit. Sorry to bore you all.
I feel so unattractive. J always tells me how I'm such a "cute pregnant person." I don't want to be cute! I want him to want me. We havent made love in over a month. In fact, I think we're closing in on two! I didn't think I'd mind all that much, but I feel unwanted, despite how beautiful J always tells me I am. I'm sure he hasn't tried to make love in so long because the last time we did it, it kinda hurt, and my belly got in the way. I just want him to touch me! :( Thankfully, we talked about this today, and we're going to try to work through it tonight.
I feel so lonely. I miss working. I know that when Silas comes, I will be busy taking care of him, and I will be glad that I am able to be home with him. But now, I feel so disconnected from the world. I don't go out. Once in a great while I will get bagels with a couple girls I used to work with, but that doesn't happen enough, and when it does, I find myself sitting by quietly listening to their conversations and poking in every now and then. We're at different places in our lives. They're in college, and doing what college kids do. I just miss having the companionship of girlfriends. There was a girl I was friends with all through middle school, high school, and the year of college that I attended as a full time student. We were literally inseperable. People got so accustomed to seeing us together, that if we were ever apart, someone always asked where the other was. She was like my sister, we shared everything. Then she started dating her boyfriend, who turned her into a self absorbed biatch, and we don't even speak anymore. It's rather sad, and I'm obviously still not over it. Ugh.
Anyway, I feel a little better now that I've rambled on and complained for a bit. Sorry to bore you all.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
More Random Facts About Us :)
- I love to read, and write.
- I used to believe that I would never find someone who would accept me the way that I was. I considered myself flawed, and thought that no man would ever love me. My self confidence has sky rocketed since meeting J.
- I want to go back to school someday and finish classes to get a degree in early childhood education.
- I love everything about photography. I wish that I'd taken photography classes because I LOVE taking pictures. I love looking at pictures. Black and white photography is my favorite.
- I am kind of obsessed with garlic.
- I'm a really picky eater, and have a serious problem with textures.
- There is very little that J and I disagree about.
- J is a very straight forward person, he will tell you exactly what he is thinking.
- I cant wait to be a mommy, and to hold my little man, and read him books, and kiss his nose, and sing him lullabies.
- I used to believe that I would never find someone who would accept me the way that I was. I considered myself flawed, and thought that no man would ever love me. My self confidence has sky rocketed since meeting J.
- I want to go back to school someday and finish classes to get a degree in early childhood education.
- I love everything about photography. I wish that I'd taken photography classes because I LOVE taking pictures. I love looking at pictures. Black and white photography is my favorite.
- I am kind of obsessed with garlic.
- I'm a really picky eater, and have a serious problem with textures.
- There is very little that J and I disagree about.
- J is a very straight forward person, he will tell you exactly what he is thinking.
- I cant wait to be a mommy, and to hold my little man, and read him books, and kiss his nose, and sing him lullabies.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Change.
Usually, Saturday is maintenance day. We had decided that since I'd be getting a big spanking Saturday night, the morning spanking wouldn't be necessary. After a long day (we had a birthday party to go to for a one year old), J wasn't feeling well and I was pretty exhausted myself. He told me maintenance would be post-poned until Sunday. I felt the same pang of disappointment that I always do if maintenance is put off, but it's becoming easier for me to accept that sometimes, life just gets in the way. Things will not always be conducive to doing exactly what we want when we want, and it's not the end of the world (a very important thing to remember, especially with a little one on the way)! I used to get very upset when this happened, but I was only disappointed for a few minutes, knowing it would happen the next day.
Sunday night, J pointed to the loveseat, and went to the drawer.
I watched him take out the black strap, loopy, and paddle out of the drawer before climbing onto the loveseat.
He started with the loopy, and spanked me with it for about 5 minutes.
It was hard for me to keep my hands in front of me, as it always is with the loopy. At one point, he took my hand and moved it to the loveseat in front of me, placing it firmly down and telling me not to put it back again.
I was a little teary eyed, and breathing heavy by the time he finished with the loopy.
"I'm going to give you a break to regain your composure." he told me, his voice calm and stern.
My chest heaved, and I focused on breathing and calming myself down. Just when I'd started to feel in control of myself, he picked up the strap.
"You're going to get 75 on each with this," he started without further pause.
The strap hurt, but not as bad as I'd expected. The loopy had well warmed my poor butt and the strap felt like nothing compared to that awful loop. When he'd finished with that, I was panting again, and not looking forward to the paddle.
"Okay, now you're going to get 50 on each, and you'll be all done."
He started right in, bringing the paddle down in quick succession.
I felt myself losing control again as the paddle burned my already heated cheeks. I wiggled and squirmed, until J ordered me to stay still. I used all my self control to keep myself still, and found myself sobbing, the upper part of my body draped over the top of the loveseat.
He put the implements away, and came over, hugging me to him. He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry it had to be so hard, but it's been two days...and you needed it." After we snuggeld for a moment, he rubbed some lotion on for me, relieving some of the sting and heat.
This morning, I was spanked again. He used the strap and started out giving me 25 on each, then 50 on each with the loopy.
It was over relatively quickly but it felt like forever. My butt was still tender from last night. While it was happening, I couldn't help but think I'd gotten myself in over my head. But after the fact, I started really thinking about it, and I'm so glad that we've put the daily spankings in place. I have felt much better during the afternoon/night while he's gone, and I can even see a difference in J already. He seems so much more confident in his role. I love it.
Sunday night, J pointed to the loveseat, and went to the drawer.
I watched him take out the black strap, loopy, and paddle out of the drawer before climbing onto the loveseat.
He started with the loopy, and spanked me with it for about 5 minutes.
It was hard for me to keep my hands in front of me, as it always is with the loopy. At one point, he took my hand and moved it to the loveseat in front of me, placing it firmly down and telling me not to put it back again.
I was a little teary eyed, and breathing heavy by the time he finished with the loopy.
"I'm going to give you a break to regain your composure." he told me, his voice calm and stern.
My chest heaved, and I focused on breathing and calming myself down. Just when I'd started to feel in control of myself, he picked up the strap.
"You're going to get 75 on each with this," he started without further pause.
The strap hurt, but not as bad as I'd expected. The loopy had well warmed my poor butt and the strap felt like nothing compared to that awful loop. When he'd finished with that, I was panting again, and not looking forward to the paddle.
"Okay, now you're going to get 50 on each, and you'll be all done."
He started right in, bringing the paddle down in quick succession.
I felt myself losing control again as the paddle burned my already heated cheeks. I wiggled and squirmed, until J ordered me to stay still. I used all my self control to keep myself still, and found myself sobbing, the upper part of my body draped over the top of the loveseat.
He put the implements away, and came over, hugging me to him. He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry it had to be so hard, but it's been two days...and you needed it." After we snuggeld for a moment, he rubbed some lotion on for me, relieving some of the sting and heat.
This morning, I was spanked again. He used the strap and started out giving me 25 on each, then 50 on each with the loopy.
It was over relatively quickly but it felt like forever. My butt was still tender from last night. While it was happening, I couldn't help but think I'd gotten myself in over my head. But after the fact, I started really thinking about it, and I'm so glad that we've put the daily spankings in place. I have felt much better during the afternoon/night while he's gone, and I can even see a difference in J already. He seems so much more confident in his role. I love it.
Friday, March 25, 2011
And So It Begins ...
I sent J the link to my post yesterday.
He texted me back, saying, So you want one every day?
My stomach twisted in knots. I did want them, so why was it so hard to admit that? I replied with would you mind? Its obviously up to you how you decide to do it, but it doesnt need to be anything particularly long or hard. Idk what it is lately, but I've been feeling like I need them more often.
I'll see what I can do.
I thanked him up and down for being so understanding, and not thinking I'm crazy (though I'm sure he still does, he just would never admit it to me). He of course brushed it off, and told me he loved me.
Later, when he got home, he held me and kissed my head, and told me that we'd be having them in the mornings when we get up. I agreed, and the subject was dropped.
When I woke up, of course it was the first thing on my mind. I was a little nervous, because I had no idea what he was planning to do for these daily spankings.
It was almost noon when we woke up, and J went to the grocery store to grab some food that he could make quickly for lunch and have enough left over to bring to work. When he got back, I asked about the spanking and he said since we got up late, I'd get it after lunch.
We ate together, and then he made a plate up for work, and I put the rest of the leftovers in a tupperware container and stuck it in the fridge. As I was putting the pot in the sink, J came up behind me.
"Let's go," he said firmly.
I was filling the pot with soap and water so it could soak for a little bit, and I nodded. "One minute,"
J stood beside me as it filled, then reached out and shut the water off. "Come on."
Darn. No such thing as stalling today! I followed him into the bedroom, where he'd taken out the strap. I groaned.
"What?" he asked, as I climbed up onto the love seat.
"Nothing," I said quietly.
He smacked me with the strap. "What did you say?" he asked, yanking my sweat pants down.
"I didn't say anything!" I cried, as the strap caught the bottom of my left cheek.
"You moaned something," he said firmly, bringing the strap down again.
"Ow! I just moaned, I didn't say anything in particular..."
He gave me a few more before asking, "Why did you moan?" the strap kept coming down.
"Owww, because I don't like the strap! IT HURTS!"
This seemed to be a satisfying answer, as he stopped asking questions. "Today, I'm going to give you 75 on each and then we'll be done."
I didn't say anything, but by the third or fourth of the first 75, my hand had made it's way back to protect my poor butt.
"Move your hands, babe."
I did, but they didn't stay in front of me for long.
"Move them!"
"I'm sorry," I whimpered, moving them back in front of me. I tried my hardest to keep them in front of me, but the damn strap hurt SO bad today! My body wriggled and twisted to escape the blows, and J was getting frustrated.
"Stop moving," he warned me.
"I can't help it," I whispered. "I'm sorry," and I was. I really wasn't trying to move around so much, but my body had a mind of its own. I felt J's arm go around my waist and he lifted me up back into position, and held me there tightly while he delivered the rest of the first set.
The next 75 started on the other side and they came down fast.
I did better staying still with these ones, but not much better. He didn't have to hold me in place, which I considered a good thing. My hands came back a few times. He warned me that he was going to hit them, and that was the last time they went back. I know at one point I said, "I can't," which wasn't true. It may have felt like it at the time, but I certainly was well within my boundaries. Not sure why today was so rough.
Afterward, he put the strap away and called me to him. He held me close to my body and asked if that was a good start up to the dailys. I told him it was. He pointed out that I'd resisted a lot, and I apologized. It was unintentional. I told him it hurt a lot, and he reminded me that was the point.
We went back to the living room to spend the last 45 minutes together before he had to leave for work. I laid with my head in his lap and we talked. I asked, "Do you think maybe I'm just sore from the other nights spanking and thats why it hurt so much today?"
"The other night wasn't very hard," he told me matter-of-factly.
"Yes it was!" I insisted. "You used the loopy, and I was crying way before that..."
"I didn't use it for very long," he pointed out. "Maybe you're just sensitive today."
I nodded.
"Tomorrow, it's going to be something different." he told me. When I looked up at him, he asked if that made me nervous.
I shrugged.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I trust you." I answered, and it came from a place that I didn't know existed to the extent that it does. Usually, I would be nervous. However, I trust J to do what he feels is best, and I know that he'd never go beyond what I could handle.
"Even if I told you it's something you don't like?"
Normally, my insides would churn at this. I'd imagine the worst. Instead, I shrugged again.
"You still trust me?" he asked, and I nodded.
I pointed out that it was Saturday, and suggested that a morning spanking wouldn't be necessary since we'd be having maintenance. He agreed.
"You're still getting your big one tomorrow night, though."
Sitting on a still sore bottom, I'm thinking tomorrow isn't going to be pleasant. I looked at my butt after J left for work, and have a semi-circle bruise on my right thigh from the end of the strap. Ouchie. You can bet I did everything I was supposed to do today!
I'm glad, however, that J decided to go along with the daily spankings. I'm hoping that as well as helping me stay level headed and relaxed, they will help him be even more comfortable in his role. He's been doing an excellent job, and I hope that he can see that the way I do. I'm so very lucky to have him!
He texted me back, saying, So you want one every day?
My stomach twisted in knots. I did want them, so why was it so hard to admit that? I replied with would you mind? Its obviously up to you how you decide to do it, but it doesnt need to be anything particularly long or hard. Idk what it is lately, but I've been feeling like I need them more often.
I'll see what I can do.
I thanked him up and down for being so understanding, and not thinking I'm crazy (though I'm sure he still does, he just would never admit it to me). He of course brushed it off, and told me he loved me.
Later, when he got home, he held me and kissed my head, and told me that we'd be having them in the mornings when we get up. I agreed, and the subject was dropped.
When I woke up, of course it was the first thing on my mind. I was a little nervous, because I had no idea what he was planning to do for these daily spankings.
It was almost noon when we woke up, and J went to the grocery store to grab some food that he could make quickly for lunch and have enough left over to bring to work. When he got back, I asked about the spanking and he said since we got up late, I'd get it after lunch.
We ate together, and then he made a plate up for work, and I put the rest of the leftovers in a tupperware container and stuck it in the fridge. As I was putting the pot in the sink, J came up behind me.
"Let's go," he said firmly.
I was filling the pot with soap and water so it could soak for a little bit, and I nodded. "One minute,"
J stood beside me as it filled, then reached out and shut the water off. "Come on."
Darn. No such thing as stalling today! I followed him into the bedroom, where he'd taken out the strap. I groaned.
"What?" he asked, as I climbed up onto the love seat.
"Nothing," I said quietly.
He smacked me with the strap. "What did you say?" he asked, yanking my sweat pants down.
"I didn't say anything!" I cried, as the strap caught the bottom of my left cheek.
"You moaned something," he said firmly, bringing the strap down again.
"Ow! I just moaned, I didn't say anything in particular..."
He gave me a few more before asking, "Why did you moan?" the strap kept coming down.
"Owww, because I don't like the strap! IT HURTS!"
This seemed to be a satisfying answer, as he stopped asking questions. "Today, I'm going to give you 75 on each and then we'll be done."
I didn't say anything, but by the third or fourth of the first 75, my hand had made it's way back to protect my poor butt.
"Move your hands, babe."
I did, but they didn't stay in front of me for long.
"Move them!"
"I'm sorry," I whimpered, moving them back in front of me. I tried my hardest to keep them in front of me, but the damn strap hurt SO bad today! My body wriggled and twisted to escape the blows, and J was getting frustrated.
"Stop moving," he warned me.
"I can't help it," I whispered. "I'm sorry," and I was. I really wasn't trying to move around so much, but my body had a mind of its own. I felt J's arm go around my waist and he lifted me up back into position, and held me there tightly while he delivered the rest of the first set.
The next 75 started on the other side and they came down fast.
I did better staying still with these ones, but not much better. He didn't have to hold me in place, which I considered a good thing. My hands came back a few times. He warned me that he was going to hit them, and that was the last time they went back. I know at one point I said, "I can't," which wasn't true. It may have felt like it at the time, but I certainly was well within my boundaries. Not sure why today was so rough.
Afterward, he put the strap away and called me to him. He held me close to my body and asked if that was a good start up to the dailys. I told him it was. He pointed out that I'd resisted a lot, and I apologized. It was unintentional. I told him it hurt a lot, and he reminded me that was the point.
We went back to the living room to spend the last 45 minutes together before he had to leave for work. I laid with my head in his lap and we talked. I asked, "Do you think maybe I'm just sore from the other nights spanking and thats why it hurt so much today?"
"The other night wasn't very hard," he told me matter-of-factly.
"Yes it was!" I insisted. "You used the loopy, and I was crying way before that..."
"I didn't use it for very long," he pointed out. "Maybe you're just sensitive today."
I nodded.
"Tomorrow, it's going to be something different." he told me. When I looked up at him, he asked if that made me nervous.
I shrugged.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I trust you." I answered, and it came from a place that I didn't know existed to the extent that it does. Usually, I would be nervous. However, I trust J to do what he feels is best, and I know that he'd never go beyond what I could handle.
"Even if I told you it's something you don't like?"
Normally, my insides would churn at this. I'd imagine the worst. Instead, I shrugged again.
"You still trust me?" he asked, and I nodded.
I pointed out that it was Saturday, and suggested that a morning spanking wouldn't be necessary since we'd be having maintenance. He agreed.
"You're still getting your big one tomorrow night, though."
Sitting on a still sore bottom, I'm thinking tomorrow isn't going to be pleasant. I looked at my butt after J left for work, and have a semi-circle bruise on my right thigh from the end of the strap. Ouchie. You can bet I did everything I was supposed to do today!
I'm glad, however, that J decided to go along with the daily spankings. I'm hoping that as well as helping me stay level headed and relaxed, they will help him be even more comfortable in his role. He's been doing an excellent job, and I hope that he can see that the way I do. I'm so very lucky to have him!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
American Idol and a crazy preggo rant...
J works late, but this season has really gotten into American Idol, so I dvr it for him and watch it together either when he gets home or the next day. Last night, we were watching it together, and one of the contestants had a flogger type thing hanging from his back pocket. I giggled, and said "He's got a whip in his pocket!"
He laughed and said, "He probably beats his wife..."
I shrugged. "She probably deserves it."
"If his wife is anything like mine, she does." he replied, not missing a beat.
LOL! I almost died laughing. He's so funny sometimes!
On another, less funny, note...I think I'm losing my mind. I mean, that last spanking I got was pretty intense. You'd think after that one, I'd never want another spanking again, right? Wrong. I find myself wanting one, again. Maybe not one that would make me cry, but maybe like an attention grabber? Gosh, I don't know! I can't figure this out. I'm thinking of asking J if we can have daily spankings? Like maybe when we get up in the morning .. just a quick one to put me in the right mindset for the day. Or right before he leaves for work? Like I've said a million times, I'm not all that great at communicating (or figuring out) what I need. I'm thinking if I have a spanking in the morning that puts me in my place, I wont need more serious spankings so often? Maybe I should just send J to this post, and let him decide. I dont know ... Can ya tell I'm overrun by preggo hormones, people?! I'M LOSING IT!!
He laughed and said, "He probably beats his wife..."
I shrugged. "She probably deserves it."
"If his wife is anything like mine, she does." he replied, not missing a beat.
LOL! I almost died laughing. He's so funny sometimes!
On another, less funny, note...I think I'm losing my mind. I mean, that last spanking I got was pretty intense. You'd think after that one, I'd never want another spanking again, right? Wrong. I find myself wanting one, again. Maybe not one that would make me cry, but maybe like an attention grabber? Gosh, I don't know! I can't figure this out. I'm thinking of asking J if we can have daily spankings? Like maybe when we get up in the morning .. just a quick one to put me in the right mindset for the day. Or right before he leaves for work? Like I've said a million times, I'm not all that great at communicating (or figuring out) what I need. I'm thinking if I have a spanking in the morning that puts me in my place, I wont need more serious spankings so often? Maybe I should just send J to this post, and let him decide. I dont know ... Can ya tell I'm overrun by preggo hormones, people?! I'M LOSING IT!!
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