see-saw

I am so confused. I feel like once we get things on track and I finally feel like we're headed in the direction I would like us to be, we flip right back to where we were before. I am not totally sure that Jack is cut out for the whole DD liftestyle. I do not believe that he will ever take full control, it doesnt seem like he is comfortable doing so, and not only that but he almost acts as if he's against it.

Last night, I shared a video with him that I really like. It is a Firm Hand video with Samantha who is punished for going overboard when drinking and becoming nasty and mean with her husband. I am very shy and self-conscious about my interests and desires when it comes to spanking, and it is hard for me to communicate the things that I like/want, especially when it feels like he is weirded out by it. I felt like sharing this video might give him some insight, and/or open the door for a little bit of conversation about it. Instead, a few minutes into the video (only a cpl swats in) he says, "I don't know about this, it's almost like he's beating her." Immediately I stopped the video and shut the computer down, completely deflated and feeling stupid for wanting to show him. We didn't have a conversation about this after, and I am hesitant to do so. Here's why:
1) I know that he loves me with all of his heart and he would do most anything to make me happy. I don't want to guilt him into doing things that he doesnt like or want to do.
2) I am terrified that he is going to tell me that he is done with all of this.
3) Last night, I was so hurt and embarassed by his comment that I am afraid similar statements might be uttered during the conversation, and I'm not entirely sure I could handle that.

I don't know what to do.

spanking prematurely ended...

Okay. This one really upset me, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Maybe that's my problem, maybe I think too much. Friday night Jack was spanking me with the hair brush and the black strap, and I was having a hard time lying still (or quiet). I put my hands back a few times, and finally, Jack gave up. At first I thought he was giving me a break and I lay motionless, panting over the piled pillows. But then he didn't pick up the strap again. He just laid down on his side of the bed, and started flipping through the channels. I had no idea how to react. I felt horrible, like I was some naughty child too wild to be controlled, so it was considered a lost cause. I knew that he stopped only because he felt like he was being mean by spanking me when I was putting up such a fight, and that broke my heart even more because I had been aware of how hard it was for him, and still couldn't manage to keep myself under control. Has anyone else experienced this? What do I do? :(

scolding during a spanking?

Jack hardly ever scolds me, and out of those times, maybe once or twice has he even been serious about it. He does not scold during the spanking, and never EVER mentions the "misdeed" after the spanking is complete. If anything is said at all, he will mention it shortly before the spanking. I sort of wish that he would take issue with something, genuinely scold me for something. I am not sure if he is uncomfortable with controlling me? Has anyone had a similar experience and worked through it? How did you approach it? Is anyone involved with someone who does scold them during a spanking? Appreciate feedback :)

battle of wills (inside myself?)

   I have not quite been able to fathom my feelings and actions lately. I brat and brat until J says I'm going to be spanked, but as soon as he does, I back pedal and plead to be let out of it. I pout and whine to no end. To top it all off, when he gives in to me and lets me "off the hook" (which he often does,) I become angry and frustrated! I don't understand what is wrong with me, and I can't figure out how to explain to J that deep down I really do want him to spank me, even when I'm begging him not to.

honeymoon and party

We spent five wonderful days in Montego Bay, Jamaica on our honeymoon. It was absolutely amazing. The water was beautiful, and soo warm. The people were so friendly and kind, and as far as honeymoons go, it couldnt have been more romantic. There were playful spankings and passionate love making. We hiked Dunns River Falls and visited Dolphin Cove, where I was able to touch a shark! It was SOO much fun! When we got home, my father threw an incredible reception party for us, where we partied all night long. Last night, the first night in a full week where we had no plans other than to spend time together, we had a reminder spanking before bed. I was spanked with both straps, the paddle, and the 5 rod cane. After he'd given me 20 on each cheek with both straps, 23 on each with the cane, and 40 on each with the paddle, he held me in his arms. I could feel inside me the frustration and turmoil and very quietly I whispered, "baby?"
    He paused, and said "yes?"
    My voice faltered and I lost the courage to ask.
    "You want more?" he asked gently.
    I nodded.
    "Go to the drawer and choose something," he told me.
    I got up and carried the paddle back, despite my burning backside.
    He laid me over his lap and started to rub in a warming cream.
    My backside started to tingle and burn and I wiggled around, trying to extinguish the fire.
    Before I knew what was happening, he'd picked up the paddle and started paddling my bottom hard and fast. I hadnt even put my hands back at all until now. I couldn't help it. But he just grabbed it, moved it aside and kept spanking. He brought it lower, spanking right where my bottom meets my thigh.
     I squealed and squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath and did all in my power not to cry. But as the paddle came faster and harder, its relentless sting building and fueling the fire already there, my walls began to crumble and I collasped, exhausted, into a heap of tears.
     He stopped immediately and pulled me into his arms, kissing my forehead and whispering "I love you"s.

It feels good to be home again :)

a little confused

     I'm starting to feel more and more confused. I thought Jack and I had come to an understanding about what I need, but I find that I am left feeling disappointed more often than not. I want constant, firm guidance. Instead, he gives me lenience, enjoying the lighter side of spanking much more than the discipline aspect. Instead of giving me a choice I want him to say "this is how it's going to be. if you don't like it, I'll spank you harder." I know it's hard for him, and I'm unbelievably lucky that he does what he does. I don't blame him for going easy on me. I know he perceives it as doing me a favor. I feel badly because I beg him to stop while he's spanking me, but I don't really want him to. On the surface, I want him to stop. My ass is on fire, I can't think of anything besides the pain, can hear nothing other than his hand crashing down on my tender bum cheeks. I writhe beneath his strong hand, attempting to avoid it's punishing blow. I can't help but cry out, unable to control myself. Deeper down, however, I want him to continue. I find comfort in the somewhat primal display of dominance by way of physical pain. I love that he is blatantly stronger and larger, and could so easily overpower me. I feel safe within his arms, certain that no harm will come to me. I need him to continue even though I cry out and plead for him to stop. I want him to show me it's his decision, and he will make the decision that is best for the both of us, difficult or not.

a few little fun ones ;)

     That's me. (and my new piercing that I LOVE!) Jack and I stuck to our decision to skip the reminder spanking this week, but we have had a few fun ones in the past couple of days.
     I have noticed, more so in the last couple of weeks than ever before, that my husband is becoming quite the spanko.
     We were walking alongside the harbor on the Vineyard this weekend, and I noticed a girl in a bikini, who's butt was BARELY covered by her bathing suit.
      I giggled and pointed her out to Jack.
     He reached over and grabbed my bum. "Makes me wanna spank you," he whispered.
    Anytime we see a wooden spoon or something that could be used as an implement, he'll whisper "wapishhhh" and give my cheeks a squeeze, or something to the effect. If I ask for a spanking, I better be ready for whatever he feels like dishing out, because once he's started, he's not stopping til he feels like it. It's funny to think that at one point I was worried that he would totally balk against the idea of spanking me, and that it took a lot of convincing to get him to spank me and take the control that he now has. I don't think all the convincing in the world could get him to stop now!
     I am beginning to realize that sometimes, things just take time. You can't rush things and make them progress faster than they're meant to. Patience and honest communication are essential in any relationship, and a thousand times more so in a spanking relationship, in order to find what works for you and your loved one.