Busy.

     That's what we were over the weekend. And thats what we're going to be for the next week. Very, very busy. As many of you know, we live with a roommate (J's best friend owns the house and we rent from him). We decided mutually that getting our own place would be best for our family and so we started our search for an apartment a month and a half or so ago.
     Last Saturday we went to look at one, and I immediately fell in love. As soon as we walked in I gushed, "Ooh it's so cute!" We walked through, and J asked the woman showing us around a bunch of questions while I wandered around looking in closets and checking out the bathroom. We told her we wanted to talk about it before making a decision, and within two hours of leaving the apartment, we'd decided it was the one for us!
     I am beyond excited, as is J. I am happy that we will have our own space, and that we will no longer have the stress of cleaning up after another grown person. I look forward to not having to put pants on in the middle of the night to walk to the bathroom!! While I am over the moon about our move, I am slightly stressed about it, too.
     The keys are ours the first of the month, and J plans on moving out by the end of the weekend. That's not very much time to prepare, literally or mentally. I have never moved anywhere, really. When I moved out of my dad's, I just took my clothes and some essentials, I didn't have to pack all my belongings and move them. When J moved from the apartment to the house we're in now, I wasn't technically living with him and while I helped him move small stuff, he'd already had everything packed. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to get done before the weekend, and even though J insists it's not as daunting as it seems, I'm not entirely convinced. I don't do well with change and this is obviously a big one ... we've lived here almost the whole time we've been together.
     During one conversation, I mentioned to J that I was nervous/scared because for the first few months money is going to be even tighter than its been, and he didn't respond favorably.
     He denies getting upset, but I saw him tense. His shoulders squared, his voice changed .. not a lot, but enough for me to notice the difference. He told me he needed me to be confident and strong, which made me feel anything but.
     My eyes welled up but I fought back the tears. I was very frustrated, and felt like he was brushing off my feelings, telling me that I shouldn't feel the way I did. I vented a little to a dd friend I was yahoo chatting with on my phone. I explained what had happened and told her I was frustrated that he wouldn't just let me feel. I knew that she would be able to sympathize with me.
     Which, she did. But after assuring me that I was right to feel frustrated, she pointed out that maybe he thought I was suggesting that I didn't think he could provide for us.
     It made perfect sense. Of course, that wasn't how I'd intended it to sound, but I could definitely see how it could have been taken that way. I started to feel guilty. The last thing in the world I wanted him thinking was that I doubted him.
     He fell asleep early last night, exhausted. He'd told me he'd give me another spanking (I'd asked, even though Saturday's maintenance should have been enough to hold me over for a WHILE! sheesh!), and for a moment, I felt a bit snubbed.
     It's not easy for me to ask for a spanking, you know! If I get the courage to ask for it, and you tell me yes ... please for gosh sake, DO IT! I was fuming in my head. Then I realized how tired he must be, and that I shouldn't be angry that he fell asleep. How could I hold that against him? I reminded myself that he would never blow me off or do something to hurt me. I had been thinking of writing him a letter all day, and it occurred to me that this was the perfect time to do it. Writing it would help get my head and heart on the same page, and in the right place.  
     Just as I was about to get out of bed to do so, he woke up, and told me to go get him the black strap.
     I was a bit taken aback, as I'd just gone through the process of talking myself out of the mindset that I was going to be spanked. I protested. I told him I didn't want to, because he was tired, and he should just go to bed.
     He wasn't buying it. He made me get it, and when I came back with it, he told me exactly where he wanted me, in what position. He used that awful peice of leather on my bare skin, and I was soon regretting asking for another spanking so soon. He didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that I was still sore, even though I told him a bunch of times. He got me good on my sit spots and thighs, and when I begged him to stop, he told me that I would be getting 70 more on each cheek, and if I moved out of position or put my hands back I could expect another 50. That was enough to deter me from doing either and I wrapped my arm around his leg while I endured the rest of the strapping. He held me close afterward, until he fell back to sleep.
     I sat down on the couch with a pen and paper, and wrote him a letter from the bottom of my heart. I told him that I believed in him, and that I knew that he would never let us go without. I promised him that I was confident in him and in us, and that I believe in my heart that this is the best possible move for our family. I also explained (again) that even though it's a positive change, it's still a change .. and that these times are stressul for me because I don't know what's really going to happen. I'm a worrier, and I don't like the unknown. I told him how I need to be able to feel and process my emotions, without being afraid that he's going be angry or upset with me over it. I told him that he's my hero, my best friend, lover .. everything, and how lucky I am to be his. I folded my letter up and drew on the the outside of it with crayon, the words I LOVE YOU, accompanied by a heart. I left it for him on the desk in our room, in front of his easel and paintbrushes.

     At some point when we were both together in our room I said, "Did you read my letter?"
     He nodded, and pulled me into his arms. "Thank you. I will try not to make you feel bad about it, you know that's not what I meant to do before, either, right?"
     "Yes sir. I know you didn't mean it," I whispered.
     He kissed me, and we went on with our day.
     I feel much more at ease about everything. It's going to be okay. We'll get through whatever life throws at us, and we'll do it together.

     Of course, the fact that we are going to be insanely busy this week means less/no blog time for me...I will be back soon! By this time next week, we will be in our new apartment! I can't wait. Have a wonderful week, everyone.