the luckiest.

     I am one lucky girl. The luckiest, in fact.

     Yesterday was a hard day. Since starting the baby on his reflux meds, we have been having mostly good days. But yesterday reminded me of the days before he was on his meds. The days he cried all day, seemingly inconsolable. He would quiet for a moment or two, then start screaming again. I was grateful to have passed those days, because they hurt me. They make me feel inadequate because it seems as if nothing I do can help my baby feel better. I feel like a failure. I know that this is not true, and that babies have days where they are going to cry. In the heat of the moment, though, when I've done absolutely everything I can think of to console my screaming bundle, and nothing works ... I want to bury my face and cry. In fact, I spent most of yesterday crying with my baby because I couldn't calm him. (He eventually was content after finally pooping at 8 pm! Poor guy ..)
     To make things worse, J had to work later than usual and I was feeling overwhelmed, and needy. I missed him, I needed his help, I needed him to tell me it was okay, and it wasn't my fault our baby was so upset. We were talking through text and I told him I was missing him, and having a rough day. I expressed some concerns I was having (about myself) and he reassured me that I was doing fine. Not only did he have to work late, but he'd also promised my little sister that he would take her out driving since she is going for her license test tonight, so I was home alone most of the day yesterday. He came home to eat dinner in between working and taking her driving. While he was there, he could see that I was having a hard day and feeling down, and he promised me that when he got back, I was going to get a "good girl spanking with a bad edge". I nodded my head, secretly thinking that I was going to need more than a good girl spanking, but I kept my mouth shut.
    
     When he finally got home, we sat together on the couch for a while, and he talked to our roommate about the sink (it had been clogged, and was now fixed). I fed the baby, changed him, put him down, and then J and I went to bed.
     He spanked me with the hairbrush, and then told me to pick something I wanted him to use.
     Of course, theres nothing in our arsenal that I want used on me, I prefer his hand, but I'm not allowed to pick his hand on occasions like this. Only he decides when he uses his hand. If he tells me to pick an implement, thats what I have to do. Soooo I chose the black strap, since he promised this was going to be a good girl spanking.
     In the end, the "good girl spanking with a hard edge" was just what I needed It was hard enough to recenter me but gentle enough for me to enjoy.

     J has been so wonderful this week about keeping me in a good frame of mind. There have been little spankings here and there all week, some hard, some not so hard, but all of them have reminded me how dedicated my man is to making our relationship a priority.